Elias/Meadow: Us-Day

Francis and I both had Saturday off, which was a pretty unusual situation. When we realized that at the beginning of the week, he kind of came to me and said, "Hey, should we do something? Spend the day together?"

I kind of froze. I've gotten really good at tip-toing around him but I'm warming up to him. It's nice to have meals together and to talk a bit at the end of the day. Comfort is growing. The other day I found myself putting my feet up on his lap and he reached for them and started rubbing them and I didn't mind it. And I was kind of wrecked like, what does this mean, do I like this?

It's part of my job as Meadow to be in this relationship... that's a favor I'm doing for her, because there's no reason to let a good relationship go to waste right? But this felt like a new step. Am I ready for this, and on some level was I... excited about it? How do I separate Elias from Meadow, if I even should?

So the idea was to spend all day doing stuff together. It would be the most relationshippy day I'd had since getting here.

We woke up that morning around the same time, with the sun coming through our window, and he wrapped his big arm around me. Immediately this was different because we're on different schedules we don't really get up at the same time. And I could feel his wood against my leg, which... I don't know about, but that's just a fact. I don't have time to process it or anything before he starts kissing me. Okay, we're starting with kissing.

So we're kissing and touching and the part of me that is Meadow's body is fine with that and telling the part of me that is Elias' mind to be quiet for a bit. Then he reaches into my panties...

"Ah, ah ah..." I stop him. "Um... I don't know if I'm... up for that right now."

"Oh, okay," he says, probably a little disappointed, but respectful.

We got dressed. I put on a nice dress... I've had enough time in the wardrobe with Jennie to know what a nice dress is and how to appreciate it... and I even did a bit of makeup, even though it makes me face feel hot. And we went out for breakfast.

I have this trick I do where I just let him talk. It's called the Solid Snake method, from the video game. Whenever someone says something you just prompt them to keep going. People love it because most people just want to talk about themselves and they don't notice that you're not really part of the conversation. It saves me from having to stay "in character" as Meadow too much and speak as her, and I highly recommend it for anyone in my situation. He spent most of the time talking about things that had happened at work, and things he had seen online.

From there we went furniture shopping. I don't think we need any more furniture at the apartment and I don't think we could afford most of the stuff there but apparently it's one of Meadow's favorite things to do. He made a remark that he was surprised I hadn't already filled a cart with knick-knacks and throws and I had to be like "Oh, I'm just waiting for the right thing to jump out at me." I ended up buying some handcrafted coasters I thought were pretty neat, and a blanket just because.

Then we got ice cream and people-watched, then went to the movies. He was surprised I was interested in seeing the new Spider-Man. I guess that's an Elias thing not a Meadow thing, so I told him he could explain it to me afterward if it would make him happy. 

After that we got dinner from a food truck, then went for drinks. He talked about his philosophy of life and his art. He wants to do mixed media stuff and sculptures, and apparently Meadow hasn't always been supportive, at least not to him. I tried to offer him some encouraging words while also staying true to the Meadow "character" by saying I was glad it made him happy and he should make time to work on it.

I was kind of tipsy when we got home, and I kind of thought if he makes a move I might not say no... I mean why not. I was enjoying the day, and I've already kind of resigned myself to the idea that this is part of my duties.

So we got to bed and we started kissing and touching some more, and he started moving pretty fast and I was bracing myself...

He got a condom out, and I was kind of clenching like... here goes nothing...

And then he tried to put it in but...... it wouldn't go.

It was like he hit a wall inside me. It was painful. I told him he had to stop and I was sorry. I didn't want to say "this is wrong" because I don't know what it's like, but... I'm pretty sure that wasn't right.

He started going like, "Well, do you need me to do more? Do you need to get in the mood? do you need lube?" and I just didn't want to think about it so I kind of shut it down.

If he was disappointed, he didn't let it show. He kissed me goodnight, and I kind of rolled over like... what does this mean. Am I going to be able to... you know? Should I? Should I not?  And if I can't, is that going to be a problem?

The next day, I messaged Meadow to be like, "Hey, I don't want this to be weird, but this is what happened... do you have any experience with this, is it normal?" And she said it wasn't her experience and maybe it had something to do with the transformation (of course) and being a guy inside and... I guess... but I felt like, if I was ever going to do it, it would have been then. I don't know. Is this something to go to a doctor about?

For a few hours I was really happy, but now I've kind of crashed out. I want to be good at this.

Elias/Meadow: Love is Blind

That was a show my mom and aunt really liked watching and I would sometimes catch it with them but I never understood how people could just slide into a relationship with someone without a long period of getting to know them. And now it's kind of happened to me.

There isn't really any other way to put it besides "I am in a relationship" although one that doesn't yet involve sex. Francis is always around, and I've kind of gotten used to him, and he sure treats me like I'm his girlfriend. The stressful part is actually that we work in the same place, but after a while I started taking opposite shifts from him so that we had a bit of space. That made the "relationship" easier to manage.

I don't know how the Inn magic works I think I've inherited some interesting body chemistry from Meadow, because I have good stamina, can be on my feet for a long time, and am more used to being up and active early, while Francis is a night owl who works the evening shift at the restaurant. So he understands why I rather work the day shift. I think also, leftover from that relationship, he understands that after a long day his former nurse girlfriend is not always in the mood for intimacy. I've just been stretching that as long as I can.

But I think he might be ready to start pushing harder soon because I've noticed him excusing himself to go um "take care of himself" and I feel a little guilty. I don't know what's going to happen with that.

Another interesting thing is memory. I don't know if it's me or it's Meadow's body/brain or what, but I feel like I have a really sharp memory right now. Which I guess she would need from being a nurse. So that helps me as a waitress. But even I make mistakes. One day not long after I started I got two tables mixed up during the lunch rush and the kitchen manager made some remark like "No wonder you quit being a nurse, you probably mixed up everyone's IV bags." Which stung.

So I came home that day feelin kind of defeated and crummy about being Meadow, and I found that Francis had taken the night off and ordered dinner from "my" favorite Indian food place. I've never had Indian food, but I'm up for anything. It turns out I really like it. The parts I liked the best were the dal, the chicken masala, and the paneer, which I guess is just cheese. Oh and garlic naan. We've had it every week since then.

After that, we sat around watching youtube together and I thought "this is kind of cool." Like I could get into this. So that was the first time I gave in and kissed him, which I'd been trying to work up to. It felt weird but not... bad........ I don't know how I feel about being touched more than that yet, but my mind is open I guess. It's all part of this process of trying to play Meadow's role. And me just wanting to, I don't know, live life and experience things.

Elias/Meadow: Tossing and turning

I guess I'm not real good with confrontation. When I graduated high school I was still dating my girlfriend Alice Min. I wasn't having a lot of fun, but I didn't want to break up with her because I was afraid I wouldn't meet another girl. Then my mom got sick and Alice went away to school and we just kind of agreed to end it.

I was thinking about her for two days straight as I awkwardly shuffled my way around Francis.

This guy thinks I'm his girlfriend. He knows something's wrong. I can see him kind of tilting his head just a bit when I do something non-Meadowy. But then the thought passes and he shakes it off. Of course I'm Meadow. I look just like her.

And if you were dating a 5'11 skinny blonde, you would probably need a really good reason to break up with her.

I should get it over with, I keep thinking. End it right here. Lay down the law. But every time I think about doing that, my stomach ties up in knots. What would I even say to convince him? What is that fight going to look like? What is my plan for afterward, when one of us has to move out? (It would be rude of me not to be the one to go.)

I kept telling Jennie -- who had to go back to her apartment, with her non-Inn-cursed-roommate -- that I had to do it sooner or later. And she kind of laughed. "Hey, if you don't want to date him, I will."

"What? Do you like him? Is he... hot?"

"Oh yeah, girl, he's fire."

I looked at him again. Well, he's not ugly.

True to his word, he got me a job waiting tables at the bistro. I was grateful and I even gave him a hug for it. But the job sucks. It's hot and noisy and I'm not very good at it. On my first day after shadowing, I got like three orders wrong.

Plus, while you don't have to show a lot of skin, all the other girls do have their low neck tops and short shorts on, so... yeah. I follow suit. But I don't even care about that. Really.

I'm actually surprised I'm not totally tired by the end of my shift but I guess Meadow's body is used to nursing where they really run you ragged. But I can pretend to be tired, which keeps Francis off my back. And my front.

I just keep sleeping on the couch, waking up with a crick in my neck, and thinking, I need to end this before it goes too far. But I just can't seem to bring myself to.

Elias/Meadow: The Key

It's fun to be a girl. Sometimes.

I'm having a very interesting experience walking around, wearing another person's clothes, being talked to like I'm her. People seem a fair bit more excited to see me this way than as a short, sweaty, greasy 21-year-old guy. I didn't feel like I mattered much then. Now, when I get to the front of the line for coffee, the person serving me, whether they're a guy or a girl, seems a little happier to see me. Just because I'm... whatever I look like.

That's cool.

Other stuff, like private stuff, is a little more of an adjustment that isn't always cool, but I'm learning to live with it, you know. I don't hate any of it, it's just different from what I know. 

Jennie had told me not to play with my hair so much. I'm not used to it being so long, but if I keep touching it it's going to get all greasy. She's crashing with me because Ricky had to go off and live Darla's life, and Jennie was not particularly excited to stay in her stepfather's orbit anyway. I have a couch, and I need someone to keep me grounded and walk me through girl stuff, help me dress myself and just generally be around. Show me what make-up is like.

It's a bit like having a girlfriend, except without any of that stuff. Which I guess is what makes her a "girlfriend" in the way girls mean it.

I've had girlfriends before. I actually dated one girl for two years before my mom got sick. Then we kind of had to make a choice and we decided it was best to split up and let her go live her life. I went on a few dates over the last few years that didn't amount to anything but the occasional hookup. I didn't think I would be doing anything like that as Meadow. I mean, it's too complicated to think about.

Then last night I'm trying to get to sleep... I've been having trouble getting comfortable and ignoring certain things about my body long enough to relax. Then I hear a click, like the front door is opening.

Someone has the key.

"Elias!" Jennie calls out.

"Who are you?!" a man's voice squawks.

I dash out of bed. I don't even know what I'm thinking. Partly that, as long as this guy doesn't outweigh me by 100 lbs, and doesn't have a gun, I can probably take him down before he knows what's going on.

Facing a random intruder in your apartment in the middle of the night is definitely not a fun time to be female.

As soon as I get to the living room I see a guy with short-ish dark hair and a huge bag over his shoulder standing there frozen near the doorway and Jennie moving toward the bedroom. The fog clears up and I realize I know who this guy is.

"Sorry Medz, I thought you'd be alone," he says.

I'm trying to steady my heartrate and get into "Meadow" mode. "It's after midnight... what the hell are you doing here... Francis?"

So let's back up.

When I went and saw the real Meadow, she noted to me that she had just gotten out of a relationship with a guy named Francis. A couple of years. Heck, they were living together. He was going to come to Maine, actually, but instead he wanted to go to an artist retreat in Austin for like the whole summer, and they had a fight about it and she blocked him. That's how Stella's sister ended up coming. Anyway, Meadow had flagged it to me as something that was probably going to come up, but later, like in August or September when he came back from the retreat and maybe would want to get his stuff from the apartment. She described it as though it was a break-up I would have to navigate.

I didn't expect to see him already, and I definitely didn't expect him to just barge in in the middle of the night.

He explains the "art retreat" was a total scam, and that he bailed after a few weeks, so he figured there would be no problem coming home.

All I can manage to say is "But we're... like... broken up." I mean he was blocked on Meadow's phone!

"Oh, come on Medz, we've had worse fights than that." I guess they weren't really on the same page of this so-called break-up.

He went on. "You wanna kick me out of my own house at almost 1 AM?"

I'm desperately uncomfortable. I'm frozen. The decent part of me doesn't want to turn this guy away but it would be weird and wrong not to. But I can't explain it!

I look over at Jennie, and she's giving me this look like get this guy out of here!

"I... I guess not," I said. "I don't know. I'm really confused. And tired."

"Aw, babe," he says, dropping his bag and crossing the room to come toward me. He's a little taller than me but I feel good about the height difference. I flinch a bit as he tries to kiss me, but our lips did brush together. I've got my arms folded across my ribcage.

"Let's just go to bed, talk in the morning," he says.

"I... I..." I stammer, "Can you sleep on the couch?"

Both Francis and Jennie are like what?

"There's just a lot of... unresolved... whatever-ness... I'll sleep better with J--Stella in the room."

He seemed disappointed, but agreed to it.

With the door to the bedroom closed, Jennie asked "What the hell are you doing?"

"I don't know, I panicked," I said. "It's super late, and this is complicated, and I need to talk to Meadow about this."

"You can't be that guy's girlfriend!" she said. "You're not a girl!"

"Apparently I don't have a choice!" I said.

We rolled over and turned off the lights, sleeping back to back.

In the morning I messaged Meadow for an emergency Facetime. She seemed as exasperated as I was.

"I should break up with him, right?" I asked. "You thought you were broken up anyway."

"Yeah..." she said, seeming regretful about it. "I mean... would it be nice... if... I could have another chance with him when this is all over...? But... I couldn't ask you to..."

"Yeah," I said, "That would be..."

She crinkled her face a bit in frustration. "Just... let him down easy... he needs a chance to get back on his feet, you know."

"I don't know how much time we have for that, but... sure, I'll try."

I went out to talk to him and found him eating a piece of toast.

"Babe," he said, "Aren't you working today? Shouldn't you be in your scrubs?"

"Oh, yeah, I, uh, quit my job."

"What, why?"

"It's a long, long story. After we broke up, I decided to make a fresh start."

"You quit the job you spent years training for?" He squinted at me. "Who are you?"

"I'm... Meadow...!" I sputtered, "I just needed a change, okay?"

"Okay, so, what are you doing for work? How are you paying rent?"

"I... I don't know yet."

"Well, then it's a good thing I came back."

"Francis..."

"My friend Tommy's gonna set me up as a bartender, maybe you can be a waitress or something. We can scrape together enough to afford this place, if the tips are good."

"Francis, no, I need space... our fight...."

"Babe, my name's on the lease, I've got nowhere to go, and you're gonna get kicked out if we don't find some work."

"I... but..."

Without saying 'My name is actually Elias' there really didn't feel like a way to win that argument.

Then he came over and gave me another hug. "Whatever you're going through, we'll get through it. If you don't want to be a nurse anymore, I'm here for you. Okay?"

And God help me, but the way he was looking at me... I never had anybody look at me that way before.

"Okay, yeah," I finally said. "We'll work... something... out."

He hugged me again, then he kissed me, and I kind of reared back so he got my cheek/jaw instead of my lips, and muttered something about not being ready for that.

This all might be a little less fun than I thought it was going to be.

Elias/Meadow: No cheat code, no hacks

I spent the rest of my time in Maine just trying to get used to walking around the world like this. I would have loved to go in the ocean, but after trying on Meadow's bikini, I thought "There is no way I can go out like this." I want to try new things, but let's build up to that, hm?

I did wear the swimsuit as underwear though. I mean, you're in a beach town -- bikini tops are bras for all intents and purposes, and I could cope with that under my clothes, rather than the actual ones I was left. My top layer was just a tank top and jean shorts. Them being like a 1" inseam is about as girly as I was ready to get, showing off these long, long legs.

Charlene/Ja'dejah braided my hair and advised on other things. I skipped putting on makeup because, well, would you? I look fine without it, but I've seen pictures of Meadow all done up and wow. Knowing I could look like that is messing with my head.

So we did the town -- Jennie, Jeff, Charlene and I. Ricky even joined us for dinner, grumbling the whole time but at least showing the best side of himself I've seen. I could tell that I was getting a lot of looks. Coming from being a small guy, I don't tend to shrink myself, so I guess people aren't used to seeing a tall girl clomp around like she's, well, exactly 5'11.

If anyone hit on me, I'm too dumb to notice, but having such a big group was probably a shield.

We had a benefit, in that Meadow, Stella and Darla became locals, a middle-aged couple in their 40s and their high school-aged daughter. I went and saw Meadow at her new place of work and we sat down to lunch.

"I'm so sorry for staring," she said, "I just... I'm not used to it yet, you know? You ever look at a picture of yourself and feel embarrassed because all you see is your flaws? Well, this is the opposite of that. I feel like I'm seeing what other people see when they see me... it's... I mean, I'm gagged."

Is gagged good? I made a note to check later.

She said she could tell I was a guy. My posture, my bearing. I asked her if I should try to be more feminine, and she said she honestly didn't know. "You should be whoever you feel like you are."

She said she wanted to be there for me, but she couldn't run my life for me. I said it was my #1 priority to get things back to normal for her, so I didn't want to screw things up badly. but it was also my mission to taste life, and I was going to try to have fun and not sit in a bedroom and cry. She admitted that sounded fine.

She asked about getting myself back to normal. I said that was also a goal. But privately, I've read a bit of this blog and I'm seeing that sometimes people just will not give you your body back. I'm a 21-year-old guy with no attachments. I think there are a few people who would take that and run, which is scary... and really puts into perspective how much I should have tried to do with my life. (Hey, I was trying, I just got sidetracked into this!)

She said she would send me some job opportunities she thought I could do with her resume. She literally just moved into an apartment and making rent is going to be tricky.

I had to leave for Massachusetts soon after. Jennie and Ricky too, since Stella was there for the same reason as Meadow was, and Darla is her sister who came along for the vacay. That means Jennie also needs to find work, and Ricky... I don't know what he's got to do.

Oh, and then the minute I got in the door of my "new" apartment, I went to the bathroom and discovered a trickle of blood down my leg. Meadow has a supply of tampons, but I'm really not keen to try to get those "in there" so I had to go to the pharmacy and figure out how to navigate the feminine care aisle. I bought the pack with the bunch of different sizes, but so far I've only needed the light ones.

I sure didn't feel "sexy" like that! But hey, that's life for half the population, right? (Or whatever percent gets periods, I'm too tired to do the math.)

Elias: Meadow

Can I tell you a secret?

At first, I kind of thought this is cool.

From the first time I saw my new face in the mirror, with its bright blue eyes, soft chin and round cheeks. Overnight my short dark hair grew long and blonde... and everything else changed! I guess most people would be horrified but I thought it was the coolest thing that had ever happened.

Okay, I'm a girl now. I've touched/looked at this and that and those to confirm, although there isn't much of those to speak of. I mean, I never thought "I want to be a girl" before, but as a boy you do sometimes wonder what it's like, right? And then magically overnight, zap... once in a lifetime opportunity, right? Magic is real, and it did this. Could be fun!

The weirdest part is that I went from being a 5'3 guy to a 5'11 girl. I'm tall and thin, I feel like I'm going to fall over. I feel like Bambi learning to walk, you know? Everything is thrown off. My Garfield High wrestling tee still fits though, and the elastic of my boxers works okay with these hips. (The emptiness in the front is...a little strange to say the least!) 

I sure took it better than Ricky. He threw a big damn fit, basically accusing Jennie of making it happen even though it happened to her too. Once I saw what was going on there, and with Jeff and Charlene -- make that Rakim and Ja'dejah -- I started to get a better sense of what was really happening. Eventually, after Jeff tried to calm him down and Charlene brought Jennie/Stella to her room, Ricky/Darla took off, and didn't return until late. God only knows what he got up to, in a woman's body dressed like a man.

Poor Jennie, Stella's body is twice her age and her figure is a little rounder. To go from a teenager to a 30-year-old is definitely a double-edged sword. Maybe she can get away from Ricky but... I mean, I'm only 21 and I already know it's not easy out there "adulting."

It was around the time we started reading our letters it dawned on me that this isn't exactly a joyride. There are people counting on us to be them.

I've become Meadow Nilssen, 24, of Springfield, Massachusetts. She had come to Maine for a nursing conference. I feel really bad because after she transformed, the first thing she did was quit her job, knowing that she'd be fired for taking extra time away anyway, and because it's not the kind of thing you can just leave to a stranger. (I've taken first aid courses and all but it's not like I could do that work!) I've already reached out to let her know that her life is in good hands and she can ask me anything she likes about who I am and advise me.

I'm trying to put the hard parts out of my mind for now. Tomorrow I'm going to actually put on some of Meadow's clothes and spend a day walking around as her, try to enjoy the rest of my vacation before I have to face "the real world."

I guess that makes me Elias/Meadow from now on to you!

Tyler/Judith: Lots to think about

I don't know if I've ever felt as uncomfortable during my time since first visiting the Inn as I did this past Saturday night, when we hosted Samantha and her little girl Meadow for dinner. Even when I was Lauren - beauty pageants, prom, awkward advances from older guys - don't quite compare.

On the one side, there's the kids, sitting and laughing and enjoying the meal - and getting up as quickly as possible to watch a movie on Netflix afterward. Something about Meadow brings out the girlier side of Dylan, the "Olivia" persona... he seems a bit more sweet, if mischievous as ever. The only really Dylan-like thing was when Meadow mentioned problems she was having with a boy at school who was bugging her. Dylan's advice was to "kick him in the dick," which caused Kitty face to glow bright red with embarrassment as he scolded her: "Such language!" I had to stifle a laugh, because it broke the tension in the room. And I was relieved to see Samantha also found it funny, rather than a marker of how "unruly" our kid is. (Meadow, for her part, was somewhat scandalized since she only has the vaguest idea of what that means but knows it's taboo.)

Kitty was in rare form all through the day, re-cleaning areas I'd already been through and bossing me around to make sure the place was presentable for her new BFF. I resented that - I may not be naturally domestic but I like to think I keep a pretty clean house (and I've been working at a party-planning agency for nearly 6 months!) Let me cook, and you can play the good host.

I just hate being in character around people with Kitty. I hate having to look at him like he's my adoring husband, and respond to his condescending "Juidth..."'s. I can be with people who don't know I'm me, but somehow it feels like such a lie when we're doing this together.

It doesn't help the fact that I have come to dislike Samantha for no discernible reason. Something about the way she has become a presence in Kitty's life feels like an intrusion. She's not a bad person and God help me we get along pretty well when I can put my irrational feelings aside. But it feels like her mere existence is a total disruption to our little setup.

Watching the two of them for an evening... the way they hang on each other's every word, snicker at their little jokes, and even get shockingly close, I felt my suspicions about Kitty's interest in Samantha confirmed.

After dinner, and a few games, Sam and Meadow went home. Dylan crashed hard, as he tends to do. We started to clean up, and I took a deep breath and started a speech I had tried to write in my head...

"You know..." I said, "If you want to, you can."

He stood up and looked at me in puzzlement. "If I want to what?"

"If you want to... with Samantha. Anything. Whatever you want. I'm... I'm cool with it. It makes sense."

He furrowed his brow. "We're just friends."

"Come on, Kit," I said, "I can see it's more than that. And I'd be a real asshole to stand in your way. She's fun, she's beautiful, she's young. We'll... I don't know, we'll say that you and I are splitting up. Separating. Amicably. You have my blessing."

"Jude-- Tyler, this is crazy talk," he said. "I don't have feelings for Samantha."

"Come on!" I huffed. "There's no point in--"

"I don't." he interrupted firmly. I could see he was getting hot behind the ears, and it was different from the usual irritation he expresses when we differ on what to have for dinner or decorate the living room. "Samantha is a wonderful woman, and I hope she finds happiness, but... she's not the one I want to be with."

I stood across the room, arms folded under my breasts. Suddenly I felt like the floor was going to drop out as soon as he continued saying what he was saying.

"I'm in love with you, Tyler."

"Kitty..." I started to say, but I honestly had no idea how to respond.

He went on. "I know, you don't think of me. I'm a no-fun old lady in a pudgy man's body."

"Not that" pudgy," I tried to re-assure, I guess a bit inappropriately.

"I know you thought that changing this way would be the end of us, and I wondered myself, but my feelings have only grown. I love seeing you parenting Dylan. I love coming home to you at night, going to bed with you. I know you're not really my spouse, but you're my partner. I love your cooking, I love the way you hum to yourself... I love your sense of humor even though I don't get half of it. I started to love you back in Wisconsin and I can't deny it. I'm sorry if that's inconvenient for you."

I felt a heavy weight in my chest.

I went over and wrapped my arms around him. I was shaking. Confused, exhausted, hot tears streaked my cheeks and I didn't know why.

"Can you just give me some time?" I asked. "Maybe we can do this for real... maybe. I just still don't feel ready."

"How long do you need?" he asked.

"I don't know. Honestly, I was hoping just not to think about this stuff again until our next lives. I'm just not ready right now. I'm sorry."

"It's okay," he said warmly. "We can wait."

The situation between me and Kitty is still so complicated, and I've got my own issues to work through, so who knows what the future holds. I have a lot of reservations toward pursuing any kind of relationship with anyone, let alone her. But I'd be lying if I said it wasn't moving to hear all that. It's flattering, heartening, wonderful just to be told that someone feels that way about you, even if you're honestly not sure, at the end of the day, if you feel the same way. If it's fair to pretend like you do. Or if maybe you just care enough about them to go along with it because it's kinder.

I dunno.

Tyler/Judith: Samantha

In three years or so of being a Person Who Is Transformed, probably the worst thing to come out of this curse is having to be a parent. Don't get me wrong, I love Dylan and I want only the best for him, but I struggle with that. It's draining enough looking after your own needs, sometimes it's hard to remember to put the kid first. And doubly so around the holidays. We're only a week into December and I'm already just completely dead, knocking myself out to try to make sure that this kid's Christmas is one of the best of his life, to help make up for everything that's happened to him this year. Trooper that he is, I still see him getting a bit down when he realizes how small/weak/feminine he is now. And how homesick.

The femininity thing is weird, because you'd think that's something within his control, but he'll catch himself imitating female speech patterns or gestures and then looking at himself in half-disgust, a mystified "What have I become?" It's my role as a parent to try to reassure him that no matter how he behaves he's still himself inside and nobody can take that truth from him. But I ain't a psychologist so I don't always have the language to put that sensitively. Me sitting down with the kid and laying it out straight for him is as likely to have a calming effect as it is to compound the "oh shit" factor of our lives.

What helps is having friends. That's where Samantha and Meadow come in.

Meadow is a little girl who is in Dylan's group for Trailblazer girls. She is the same age as Olivia,, smart and a good reader, and even a little funny. When the time came to put Dylan into school, we all thought "We can't keep him in Olivia's grade, because he wouldn't get along with kids that age." It would make him feel like such a baby. But I guess it's also good for his self-esteem to feel older, like he's ahead rather than behind, his peers. Among 10-year-olds he seems to have a worldliness and a confidence that he doesn't quite have at school.

Meadow and Dylan struck up a friendship pretty quickly. Not long after we enrolled him, it was "Meadow and I had a race and I won," "Meadow told me she liked how my hair looked today," "Meadow brought extra snacks to share with me." Awesome. The kid is hardly as happy about anything as he is when he talks about Meadow. And Kitty, who takes the lead on all Trailblazer stuff, took it upon himself to strike up a friendship with Meadow's mom, Samantha.

Samantha is... young. I haven't asked, but she can't be more than 26 or 27. And being that she's the mother of a 10-year-old girl, you can figure her story out for yourself, I'm sure. She didn't go to college, but she takes night courses and is self-educated in a lot of fields. She's smart, and she can hold a conversation, and she's pretty. With golden brown hair and a sweet smile and bright eyes, and a body that she really takes care of. Honestly, her looks are striking to me, and I don't even go for much of anything nowadays.

So... I can only imagine what Kitty is thinking when he looks at her. She's beautiful, funny, surprisingly "together" under the circumstances... and available.

I don't know. It's not crazy to think there's a spark there between them. Maybe she isn't so evil as to step between a real married couple, but if he were to make a move... could I bring myself to stop him? We haven't functioned much like a couple in the whole time we've been here. We can still co-habitate and parent Dylan even if he's experimenting with outside relationships. For all practical purposes, we're just... two people... right?

But saying that, it feels wrong. The twinge of jealousy I get when her name comes up tells me as much. But I haven't made any moves in the "relationship" direction with Kitty and I have never been sure that that is what I would want. It could just be that the risk of losing the option of that is making me think more seriously about it... making me think I want it more than I do.

Or revealing my true feelings.

I don't know. I'm really not prepared for this.

Oh, and we're having Samantha and Meadow over for dinner on Saturday. Yippee.

-Ty/Jude