God damn is the month of June stressful for high school teachers. Between marking papers and making exams (which I will then have to mark) my mind has been so focused on just making in through this month that I've hardly had any time to think about what happens once I'm done.
It's taking its toll on my personality. I've hardly talked to any of my "friends" at work, I avoid talking to Todd and others on MSN and I sure as hell don't feel like venting here. My mind is cloudy and I can't focus.
I started to notice the irritation about a week and a half ago, not long after the 90's dance, and the truth is it was partly because of what happened, or didn't happen, or almost happened, between me and Cathy at that dance. And what happened next.
An astute commenter asked me, on that entry, whether I thought men or women took rejection worse. Maybe I'm biased, but I really think it's women. I never took it very well, whereas a lot of the guys I've known seem to hide it really well, if they feel anything at all. And all this time, I didn't want to get involved with anyone, because I didn't want to get attached or complicate my relationships with the people in Rob's life, but the truth is, it's already complicated, and if anything I've made it worse.
A week after I declined to pursue a physical relationship with Cathy, I found out she started seeing Dean. I don't know whether it's just a casual fling, or if they have a fling (neither of them seems like the serious type) but it seems pretty much motivated by my actions, because now the two of them are, um, not my biggest fans.
As much as I want to pretend like this isn't my life and I shouldn't care -- what's more, this is probably best -- I'm actually losing sleep over the matter. I don't like the idea that these people, whom I considered my closest friends in this life, are now against me.
So I've had to go it alone. Where can I turn? My schedule doesn't really sync up with Todd's or Cliff/Tori's. I'm often too embarrassed of myself to express myself on this blog. So I went through my stress and my anxiety, feeling frustrated with the kids and the job and everything again, when who should call but an unlikely source of sympathy... Ingrid. The former Mrs. Rob Garcia.
Don't ask how we got to talking -- she'd been in South America for a lot of the winter, only to return last month, and she was checking in on me, I guess. You'd think a divorced couple could just extricate themselves from one another, but here you are. She wasn't even that big a presence in my life, and yet I'd be a liar if I denied that those big blue eyes and curvy hips hadn't popped into my head once or twice in my occasional quiet moments of reflective....... jerking off.
We ended up meeting up, and having a serious talk. Not about "us," but about life and the world and about how the things we do have unforeseen consequences on those around us. I lamented that sometimes the things you don't do can be as hurtful as the things you do. She gave a wicked smirk at that, alluding, I guess, to some unknown event in Rob & Ingrid's past.
She spoke warmly of her new love interest, a guy she met over the internet. I don't know why, but when she mentioned that, I felt like I was missing out on something. Despite my pledge otherwise, I can't help but feel some level of desire for this woman. Despite her hard personality and hot-cold nature, I can't help but be drawn to her. I wonder whether that's just my own confused psyche, or something more primal, ingrained in Rob's bones. Who can say where attraction comes from, or what it really means?
They'd met on a dating site, although he's apparently from out-of-state, which means they haven't physically met yet... which seemed odd for a woman like Ingrid, but I guess after a bad experience, you sometimes go a little nutty. I know from experience. I left the meeting still feeling a bit isolated, but uplifted.
I don't know. I don't know whether, by being in Rob's life, I've improved it or let it stagnate, even making it worse. I get a headache just thinking about it. I want to go home soon.
-Alia
Showing posts with label Ingrid. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Ingrid. Show all posts
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Alia/Rob: Common Sense has no place in this
I feel like, if I hadn't become Rob, or somebody like him, (but still went to the Inn) I would've completely lost myself by now. I am able to get up the morning and go do something and focus on it, and it has nothing to do with me or my transformation, it's just a job. At times a frustrating job, at times a somewhat rewarding one, but definitely something to occupy my mind. When I get home, I'm at ease, I'm usually marking homework or relaxing, and there honestly isn't a lot of time for me to worry about Inn-matters.
I think December is that sweet spot, for me, anyway, where I'm really used to being Rob, no longer utterly freaked out or repulsed by it, but I haven't made the plans to get my body back, which Todd keeps reminding me will be soon.
I think about the way Todd has described his time as Anne-Marie, the poor guy sitting around a nice big house (probably feeling guilty about it) with nothing to do but sit and think about being a woman. Or Bryan, a guy I try to imagine in the face of many 14-year-old girls I see in my classes, and when I do so, it makes me laugh from the sheer awkwardness of the notion.
I asked Todd what he really felt about having sex with Hal. He's always been very vocal about his idea that sex and love are different. I never totally bought it, because for a long time I had only ever had sex with him, and only loved him. And maybe they're not the same thing, but when you have sex with someone you love, it's different.
He gave me a bunch of reasons why he did it. Curiosity, pleasure, convenience, pressure. Curiosity, I buy for the first time. He's never had anything particularly good to say about the pleasure he may have felt, which makes one wonder why he kept doing. Convenience, I buy -- there must've been something very appealing to him about being able to get it whenever he wanted it. I wasn't terribly guilty of turning him down during our time together, but let's just say there were times when he knew not to ask.
When I asked him what he meant by "pressure," he told me that after a few months, after he got used to being someone's "wife," he thought he was obligated to... keep things going. The remarkable thing I find about his story is that it was the real Anne-Marie who insisted he go through with it, to keep the continuity of their sex life intact and not disrupt things. The idea that her husband was effectively banging another woman did not seem to bother her, from what I've heard, because the other woman was her.
I asked him on a scale of one to ten to rate how sexually attractive he found Hal. He said "point five. I'm attracted to women, but I thought he was a nice guy and Anne-Marie's body was rigged to go with it." There are forces beyond our understanding that compel us in these situations. When you're a man, you will fuck virtually any woman who can get you hard. When you're a woman... it's a bit more complicated.
So he told me he looked at it as masturbation. The penis was his, he just didn't have access to it as often as he used to. Interesting way to think of marriage.
We talk about sex a lot, as you can tell. I want to ask him about the cooking and cleaning and taking care of the kids but for whatever reason I have an even harder time dealing with that idea. He has more frame of reference to deal with sex. That's just him.
He is of the opinion that I should pursue Ingrid. Maybe he wants to justify what he did with Hal or what he did with Donna by seeing me through the same situation. I've forgiven him, for whatever reason, we're in a situation where it feels like the normal standards shouldn't apply, and when they did I did some very wrong things so all my guilt has come back to me.
Ingrid seems to me to be a perfectly interesting woman, and maybe in another life I'd allow myself, as a man, to be attracted to her. And if she were a (decent-looking) man, she'd certainly inspire some guilty feelings in Alia. She's mature and smart, but has a clever, subtle sense of humour. But she can be very cold.
I have a feeling she wasn't meant for a meat-and-potatoes guy like Rob. and if I pursue her, then when I go back to my life, and Rob Garcia presumably takes his back, I am setting them up for more failure and I can't let myself be responsible for that.
Early in the archives, I read about Art/Liz's two suitors and him permitting himself ot fill Liz's role with them as a way of not screwing up her life. And that's the same as what happened with Todd... but that's not me, that's not Rob. Rob is just a guy who teaches by day, and goes home and tries not to think too hard about how he is really a woman named Alia by night.
And if I'm being honest, that's about the loneliest I've ever felt, realizing that just now.
Using common sense, I should probably just stay lonely, stay the course. But every so often my vision drifts over to the bikini calendar that I have left on July the way I found it, and I wonder how long it's gonna be before I go ahead and do something stupid for myself.
In happier news...
I was rather surprised to hear that, in the 21st century, a high school is not too timid just to throw a Christmas party. Granted, I'm talking about the faculty party, not anything that might involve the students and therefore potentially-oversensitive mothers. I mean, look at me -- I was raised half-brown and I love Christmas.
We're doing a Secret Santa exchange. I got Dean, which is fairly lucky since he's a friend of mine, but also I'm having some trouble with it. I simply have no clue what to buy a man. Most of the gifts I ever bought Todd were a) relationship gifts, or b) because I knew his very particular tastes. Dean, I don't know nearly well enough, and I'm guessing some guys might be prone to analyzing gifts given to them by other men.
(And so what if I did want to sleep with Dean? He's handsome in a creepy-nearly-middle age way.)
Maybe I'll just get him beer.
The semester is winding down and I'm going to have a lot of marking to do, so if you don't hear from me until after Christmas, I'll try not to freak out and go on a screwing-spree.
Happy holidays
-Aliarob
I think December is that sweet spot, for me, anyway, where I'm really used to being Rob, no longer utterly freaked out or repulsed by it, but I haven't made the plans to get my body back, which Todd keeps reminding me will be soon.
I think about the way Todd has described his time as Anne-Marie, the poor guy sitting around a nice big house (probably feeling guilty about it) with nothing to do but sit and think about being a woman. Or Bryan, a guy I try to imagine in the face of many 14-year-old girls I see in my classes, and when I do so, it makes me laugh from the sheer awkwardness of the notion.
I asked Todd what he really felt about having sex with Hal. He's always been very vocal about his idea that sex and love are different. I never totally bought it, because for a long time I had only ever had sex with him, and only loved him. And maybe they're not the same thing, but when you have sex with someone you love, it's different.
He gave me a bunch of reasons why he did it. Curiosity, pleasure, convenience, pressure. Curiosity, I buy for the first time. He's never had anything particularly good to say about the pleasure he may have felt, which makes one wonder why he kept doing. Convenience, I buy -- there must've been something very appealing to him about being able to get it whenever he wanted it. I wasn't terribly guilty of turning him down during our time together, but let's just say there were times when he knew not to ask.
When I asked him what he meant by "pressure," he told me that after a few months, after he got used to being someone's "wife," he thought he was obligated to... keep things going. The remarkable thing I find about his story is that it was the real Anne-Marie who insisted he go through with it, to keep the continuity of their sex life intact and not disrupt things. The idea that her husband was effectively banging another woman did not seem to bother her, from what I've heard, because the other woman was her.
I asked him on a scale of one to ten to rate how sexually attractive he found Hal. He said "point five. I'm attracted to women, but I thought he was a nice guy and Anne-Marie's body was rigged to go with it." There are forces beyond our understanding that compel us in these situations. When you're a man, you will fuck virtually any woman who can get you hard. When you're a woman... it's a bit more complicated.
So he told me he looked at it as masturbation. The penis was his, he just didn't have access to it as often as he used to. Interesting way to think of marriage.
We talk about sex a lot, as you can tell. I want to ask him about the cooking and cleaning and taking care of the kids but for whatever reason I have an even harder time dealing with that idea. He has more frame of reference to deal with sex. That's just him.
He is of the opinion that I should pursue Ingrid. Maybe he wants to justify what he did with Hal or what he did with Donna by seeing me through the same situation. I've forgiven him, for whatever reason, we're in a situation where it feels like the normal standards shouldn't apply, and when they did I did some very wrong things so all my guilt has come back to me.
Ingrid seems to me to be a perfectly interesting woman, and maybe in another life I'd allow myself, as a man, to be attracted to her. And if she were a (decent-looking) man, she'd certainly inspire some guilty feelings in Alia. She's mature and smart, but has a clever, subtle sense of humour. But she can be very cold.
I have a feeling she wasn't meant for a meat-and-potatoes guy like Rob. and if I pursue her, then when I go back to my life, and Rob Garcia presumably takes his back, I am setting them up for more failure and I can't let myself be responsible for that.
Early in the archives, I read about Art/Liz's two suitors and him permitting himself ot fill Liz's role with them as a way of not screwing up her life. And that's the same as what happened with Todd... but that's not me, that's not Rob. Rob is just a guy who teaches by day, and goes home and tries not to think too hard about how he is really a woman named Alia by night.
And if I'm being honest, that's about the loneliest I've ever felt, realizing that just now.
Using common sense, I should probably just stay lonely, stay the course. But every so often my vision drifts over to the bikini calendar that I have left on July the way I found it, and I wonder how long it's gonna be before I go ahead and do something stupid for myself.
In happier news...
I was rather surprised to hear that, in the 21st century, a high school is not too timid just to throw a Christmas party. Granted, I'm talking about the faculty party, not anything that might involve the students and therefore potentially-oversensitive mothers. I mean, look at me -- I was raised half-brown and I love Christmas.
We're doing a Secret Santa exchange. I got Dean, which is fairly lucky since he's a friend of mine, but also I'm having some trouble with it. I simply have no clue what to buy a man. Most of the gifts I ever bought Todd were a) relationship gifts, or b) because I knew his very particular tastes. Dean, I don't know nearly well enough, and I'm guessing some guys might be prone to analyzing gifts given to them by other men.
(And so what if I did want to sleep with Dean? He's handsome in a creepy-nearly-middle age way.)
Maybe I'll just get him beer.
The semester is winding down and I'm going to have a lot of marking to do, so if you don't hear from me until after Christmas, I'll try not to freak out and go on a screwing-spree.
Happy holidays
-Aliarob
Friday, November 27, 2009
Alia/Rob: Life is like Super Mario Bros...
You can't go backwards.
That's something stupid Todd used to say, or probably still says, whenever someone makes a mistake or expresses regret about something. Every time he said it it would remind me to make my decisions more carefully, although it's not like Mario had to face a lot of tough decisions (stomp on the Koopa or don't.)
He actually said it to me the night I was transformed into Rob. He was comforting me and I was still in shock trying to come to terms with it, and I was bitching about how I should never have followed "him" to Maine, and he looked right at me and said it "Life is like Super Mario Bros... you can't go backwards." That's how I knew I was talking to my Todd. I still don't know how the impostor had me fooled, but "he" kept to himself a lot anyway... and Todd does have that reclusive side. It should've put up a red flag no matter what but hey, we had more than a slight rough patch.
Which is why I'm taking this thing with Rob's ex-wife quite cautiously. I don't want to screw something up. Even if I get the escape hatch in the summer and get to go back to my estrogen and progesterone, I'm still reckoning with two other peoples' lives; Rob's and Ingrid's... especially Ingrid's, since she has no idea who I really am.
Whatever it is about me, she likes. I can tell she's still physically attracted to Rob. In the course of managing my diet and even without any serious exercise, I've trimmed down a belt notch or two. This seems to be very common with Inn folks. I've also got a woman's eye for grooming; I wasn't ever that image-obsessed but I do know how I like my men. No Mario-stache, for example.
Come to think about it, it's not hard to see why she might be attracted to Alia-Rob. I don't talk to her like an enemy, I barely have the ability to acknowledge "our" past, let alone resent it. I talk to her like an intelligent, respectable individual, and I think she appreciates that. And then I got carried away and struck up a little flirtation, or I encouraged the flirtation she was sending out, maybe because I'm bored or lonely or because I feel bad about her situation. This is the incident I described here.
I'd spent a lot of time since then thinking about her. I've never been looked at, or spoken to, that way, by a woman before. Not even the lesbians I've known have ever been into me. The feeling of being wanted by a woman (and if my intuition serves, she does want me/Rob) is so different from the feeling of being wanted by a man. A man will usually pursue, and a woman wants to be chased (put in extremely generalized terms.) I've chased once or twice, particularly later in relationships once I've already been pursued (cough, Maine, cough) but this is different. This isn't about me wanting a boy to notice me. This is about getting the girl. The idea started to consume me a little bit.
When Greg/Priya wrote "Im surprised I held out longer than Alia, idve thought shed try it within 5 minutes of getting a penis." I was more than a little offended, not just by the lack of apostrophes (I am playing an English teacher after all) but by the notion that while it's okay for a man to be scared and overwhelmed by having female genitalia, that a woman would suddenly go hog wild.
No offense, friend, but why the hell would that be? Haven't I been just as traumatized as you? Shouldn't I be just as uncomfortable and overwhelmed? For a long while, I had no interest in indulging that particular hobby, even when Rob's body clearly wanted me to. The nights Todd stayed over (sorry dear) were very hard, pun intended, but I went past them because I was extremely overwhelmed by what was happening. Then I got so wrapped up in living Rob's life I barely had time to think about stuff like that.
But the sad truth is... I didn't outlast you. Not by my calendar. Back in October, I discovered some nudie pics on Rob's computer, pics of his ex-wife. Maybe he still carries a torch over her, maybe he hadn't gotten around to deleting them, maybe they're just good spank material. Personally, I found them arresting, and come to think of it, that may be the reason I find myself so infatuated by her.
So I did it. I didn't want to write about it at the time because it was embarrassing but now that Greg's come out with it, I might as well own up. What can I say... I found the process of getting there... more of a destination for a man than a journey. It happened just as I'd expect, but I was not prepared for how good it felt... for just an instant. And then it didn't feel so great and I thought I would never want to do it again, and I went down and felt sleepy.
But I did do it again, as time went by and I thought more about the good part than the aftermath, each time looking forward to that moment of glory followed by the leveling off as blood returns to the rest of me. Comparing the two is really... no easy feat. There's something imminently practical about doing this as a man, with a concrete beginning middle and end, and I actually kind of like that. I never really liked doing it to my own body, so the experience I am comparing it to is the more total sexual experience (what can I say? I don't do anything halfway.) Can't say a man's is worse, but definitely can't say it's better than a woman's at its best... the debate remains open I guess.
The opportunity arose, over the Thanksgiving holiday, to see Ingrid again. Rob's family is all in the Southwest and Ingrid told me that while it would be highly inappropriate to invite me over, she was thinking of me, and why not get a drink Thursday night?
So that's exactly what we did. I don't know what my objective was but I'd be lying if the notion of embracing the male perspective and seducing her hadn't popped into my mind. The night was going well, much like our earlier meeting, I was able to joke around with her and not seem too unlike Rob (probably due to Inn magic.) It got to the point where if I'd wanted her, I probably could have had her.
And then Mario popped back into my head at the end of the night. We were sitting in my car, saying "Yeah, I had a good time too" and all that, and the moment of truth came and I realized "If I do this, here and now... that's it. I've committed to something. I can't undo this." It's a thought I'd had all too often as a woman, and perhaps should have listened to more. She fumbled in asking me whether I might like to come in for a cup of coffee, and I told her no, it was late, I think I'll just go to bed. I gave her an awkward driver's seat hug and said I'd see her again. She got out and walked up to her building and I could sense her teeth and fists were clenched.
As I thought about it on the way home I thought back on it. Women really don't like putting themselves out there and being turned down. She is going to have, at best, a mixed view of this evening. There is a chance she'll never give me another chance again. That would work for me and allow me to continue living my life without interference from potential romantic partners... with the uncomfortable side effect that she's not too pleased with my teasing. May even have had a negative effect on her self-esteem, which I would feel guilty about, if so.
Then I realized... there's a chance this whole incident has just made her want more. If she really did like what she saw, then she probably isn't going to take the soft rejection as the end of it.
I don't know which is the case, and I don't know what to do about either.
Hey, just because I am actually a woman doesn't mean I understand them. We're complicated.
-Alia/Rob
That's something stupid Todd used to say, or probably still says, whenever someone makes a mistake or expresses regret about something. Every time he said it it would remind me to make my decisions more carefully, although it's not like Mario had to face a lot of tough decisions (stomp on the Koopa or don't.)
He actually said it to me the night I was transformed into Rob. He was comforting me and I was still in shock trying to come to terms with it, and I was bitching about how I should never have followed "him" to Maine, and he looked right at me and said it "Life is like Super Mario Bros... you can't go backwards." That's how I knew I was talking to my Todd. I still don't know how the impostor had me fooled, but "he" kept to himself a lot anyway... and Todd does have that reclusive side. It should've put up a red flag no matter what but hey, we had more than a slight rough patch.
Which is why I'm taking this thing with Rob's ex-wife quite cautiously. I don't want to screw something up. Even if I get the escape hatch in the summer and get to go back to my estrogen and progesterone, I'm still reckoning with two other peoples' lives; Rob's and Ingrid's... especially Ingrid's, since she has no idea who I really am.
Whatever it is about me, she likes. I can tell she's still physically attracted to Rob. In the course of managing my diet and even without any serious exercise, I've trimmed down a belt notch or two. This seems to be very common with Inn folks. I've also got a woman's eye for grooming; I wasn't ever that image-obsessed but I do know how I like my men. No Mario-stache, for example.
Come to think about it, it's not hard to see why she might be attracted to Alia-Rob. I don't talk to her like an enemy, I barely have the ability to acknowledge "our" past, let alone resent it. I talk to her like an intelligent, respectable individual, and I think she appreciates that. And then I got carried away and struck up a little flirtation, or I encouraged the flirtation she was sending out, maybe because I'm bored or lonely or because I feel bad about her situation. This is the incident I described here.
I'd spent a lot of time since then thinking about her. I've never been looked at, or spoken to, that way, by a woman before. Not even the lesbians I've known have ever been into me. The feeling of being wanted by a woman (and if my intuition serves, she does want me/Rob) is so different from the feeling of being wanted by a man. A man will usually pursue, and a woman wants to be chased (put in extremely generalized terms.) I've chased once or twice, particularly later in relationships once I've already been pursued (cough, Maine, cough) but this is different. This isn't about me wanting a boy to notice me. This is about getting the girl. The idea started to consume me a little bit.
When Greg/Priya wrote "Im surprised I held out longer than Alia, idve thought shed try it within 5 minutes of getting a penis." I was more than a little offended, not just by the lack of apostrophes (I am playing an English teacher after all) but by the notion that while it's okay for a man to be scared and overwhelmed by having female genitalia, that a woman would suddenly go hog wild.
No offense, friend, but why the hell would that be? Haven't I been just as traumatized as you? Shouldn't I be just as uncomfortable and overwhelmed? For a long while, I had no interest in indulging that particular hobby, even when Rob's body clearly wanted me to. The nights Todd stayed over (sorry dear) were very hard, pun intended, but I went past them because I was extremely overwhelmed by what was happening. Then I got so wrapped up in living Rob's life I barely had time to think about stuff like that.
But the sad truth is... I didn't outlast you. Not by my calendar. Back in October, I discovered some nudie pics on Rob's computer, pics of his ex-wife. Maybe he still carries a torch over her, maybe he hadn't gotten around to deleting them, maybe they're just good spank material. Personally, I found them arresting, and come to think of it, that may be the reason I find myself so infatuated by her.
So I did it. I didn't want to write about it at the time because it was embarrassing but now that Greg's come out with it, I might as well own up. What can I say... I found the process of getting there... more of a destination for a man than a journey. It happened just as I'd expect, but I was not prepared for how good it felt... for just an instant. And then it didn't feel so great and I thought I would never want to do it again, and I went down and felt sleepy.
But I did do it again, as time went by and I thought more about the good part than the aftermath, each time looking forward to that moment of glory followed by the leveling off as blood returns to the rest of me. Comparing the two is really... no easy feat. There's something imminently practical about doing this as a man, with a concrete beginning middle and end, and I actually kind of like that. I never really liked doing it to my own body, so the experience I am comparing it to is the more total sexual experience (what can I say? I don't do anything halfway.) Can't say a man's is worse, but definitely can't say it's better than a woman's at its best... the debate remains open I guess.
The opportunity arose, over the Thanksgiving holiday, to see Ingrid again. Rob's family is all in the Southwest and Ingrid told me that while it would be highly inappropriate to invite me over, she was thinking of me, and why not get a drink Thursday night?
So that's exactly what we did. I don't know what my objective was but I'd be lying if the notion of embracing the male perspective and seducing her hadn't popped into my mind. The night was going well, much like our earlier meeting, I was able to joke around with her and not seem too unlike Rob (probably due to Inn magic.) It got to the point where if I'd wanted her, I probably could have had her.
And then Mario popped back into my head at the end of the night. We were sitting in my car, saying "Yeah, I had a good time too" and all that, and the moment of truth came and I realized "If I do this, here and now... that's it. I've committed to something. I can't undo this." It's a thought I'd had all too often as a woman, and perhaps should have listened to more. She fumbled in asking me whether I might like to come in for a cup of coffee, and I told her no, it was late, I think I'll just go to bed. I gave her an awkward driver's seat hug and said I'd see her again. She got out and walked up to her building and I could sense her teeth and fists were clenched.
As I thought about it on the way home I thought back on it. Women really don't like putting themselves out there and being turned down. She is going to have, at best, a mixed view of this evening. There is a chance she'll never give me another chance again. That would work for me and allow me to continue living my life without interference from potential romantic partners... with the uncomfortable side effect that she's not too pleased with my teasing. May even have had a negative effect on her self-esteem, which I would feel guilty about, if so.
Then I realized... there's a chance this whole incident has just made her want more. If she really did like what she saw, then she probably isn't going to take the soft rejection as the end of it.
I don't know which is the case, and I don't know what to do about either.
Hey, just because I am actually a woman doesn't mean I understand them. We're complicated.
-Alia/Rob
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Alia/Rob: In Plain Sight
I guess I just don't have the writery instinct that some of the other folks on here do. I guess things have been slow around the blog in general lately, but the fact that it's been more than a month since my last entry and I'm still straining to really formulate my thoughts should say something.
I mean, what can I say? It's another month of Philadelphia, of pleasant enough weather (retaining a bit more warmth than Toronto usually does around this time.) Another month of being Rob Garcia, of facial stubble and hairy legs, of neckties and teenage students. Another month of slight beer gut and sore back slowing me down.
Each morning I sit up in bed, run my fingers through my short black hair and sigh, "It's gonna be okay." Then I just... I don't know, turn off "Alia" and be Rob. It saddens me somewhat to say that I feel like one of those really ineffectual teachers who is clearly phoning it in, lacking in passion... that was the whole reason I rejected my parents' push that I might do this job myself, because I didn't want to do anything I couldn't see myself feeling truly passionate about. And then when I get home, I'm free to more orless be myself again, and free my mind of all the trappings of Rob, even if I'm still physically him. That's when I get home and Todd is online for me to talk with.
Most days, we just share notes, commiserate. I hate to cheat you nice people out of hearing about my experiences, since I mainly sum them up to him and then I don't feel like writing here. And then when I try to, I end up rambling and trying to talk about everything and when I re-read it before posting, I decide it's crap and delete it all. I can be a bit hard on myself.
Anyway, I was telling him about something that happened to me recently and we got to talking about the Inn's "curse." Once your body has been transformed into someone else's you'll believe just about anything. The one that never ceases to amaze me is how it affects the people around me.
Maybe it says something about how we never really know each other. How hard it is to see anything below the surface of another person, and take their behaviour for granted. People act "out of character" all the time, even when they haven't been transformed (...although how can we know?) and even if others notice, and say something about it, it can always be explained as "Oh, I just feel different today."
There's an old philosophy question about, if you take a wooden ship and replace it plank-by-plank, when does it become a different ship? To the outside world, I seem to be the same ship, even though all my planks have been replaced.
In this metaphor, "the ship" is my appearance as Rob... ugh, see what I mean about rambling?
So for the most part, the people I've dealt with could barely be said to be lifelong close acquaintances of Rob. My inherited work friends seem to be taking more to me than they had when I first arrived, they may know Alia/Rob better than real Rob. How well do you know your casual work acquaintances? And all of Rob's family is back in Arizona.
Yet on the extreme side of things, think about Todd and Bryan last year. Todd was somebody's wife and mother for crying out loud, and at no point in this blog did he ever write about a time when Hal or one of the kids truly seemed put off by "her" (still can't picture Todd as a girl, and yet I've heard some very detailed accounts,) behaviour! I even asked if there was anything he was leaving out, and he said yes, a little bit, but nothing dramatic, otherwise he'd have mentioned it. And Bry was able to get away with wild mood swings because he was stuck in puberty anyway. Anyone who's ever been (or known) a 14-year-old girl wouldn't bat an eye if she ran the whole emotional gauntlet in a few moments, depending on the girl.
And meanwhile, my doppelganger up north seems to be passing decently. Yes, she shies away from situations where she has to be too familiar with people, but she's warming up to my life in a way I'm not sure I'm totally comfortable with. And not much in the way of raised eyebrows. I just find it eerie... the idea of never truly being known. I'm guilty of it myself, I know it from both sides, because as odd as Todd seemed for the year he wasn't himself, I hardly gave it much thought, because well, he was kinda mercurial. (In case you couldn't guess.) Finding out what had really happened was truly Earth-shattering, you can imagine.
I guess you really have to act out if you want to turn heads, and then you might get sent to the rubber room.
Which brings me to the whole reason I started writing here tonight, something I've been putting off. It was a meeting with the one person who I think would've known Rob well enough to say something. His ex-wife, Ingrid.
The ink was dry on the paper. It was all said and done, I had done Rob's job of formally ending his marriage, which is good because I had had enough of her harassing me. But apparently she still had some of his stuff in her trunk, and wanted to hand it off.
I was tempted to tell her to get stuffed, but then thought better; maybe this was stuff Rob wants when he gets back. Might as well just get it over with. So somehow this innocent transfer of property transmuted into a dinner. I don't know what I was expecting, a shadowy encounter in a parking garage perhaps. But I guess this is how grown-ups do it.
Ingrid has been rather hostile to me in the past, I can't deny it. And her bitchy demeanor has inspired less than kind thoughts in me, so I've returned it to some extent. (Funny how acting like a "bitch" while being a man just makes me look like kind of a dick.) But really, I believe in the goodness in people. That's probably why I stuck with Todd so long, and after a few negative encounters I realized that while I had inherited the baggage, I may not be beholden to it.
So I decided, over the dinner, to pour on the honey. We went out to a nice restaurant, she wore make-up and perfume, which to an ex-gal like myself, sent an obvious message ("I'm gonna make you want me but you can't have me.") Rob's gonna hate me for this, but I was excessively polite to her, conciliatory, agreeable. I admitted wrongdoing that I (Alia) had no stake in. Gave her whatever she wanted, argumentatively, and yet acted aloof, like I was completely unaffected by her charms.
Don't get me wrong. She looked great, and I noticed -- and Rob's body noticed. Maybe women are more in touch with the aesthetic than men are, so when a woman becomes a man, rather than the opposite, I can admit when I find a woman attractive. I can definitely appreciate all the work she put in to her appearance, and from this angle I truly understand the elusive allure of a nice set of breasts. (I was aware how men feel about breasts, and I knew how to emphasize them, yet the true connection between the two escaped me until now. Even now I can't articulate exactly the meaning of their effect.)
As we conversed, I used many of the tricks that had been used (deliberately or not...) on me in the past that got me more interested in a man. I disarmed her with humour, I spoke directly to her, maintaining eye contact whenever possible, and yet I also feigned distraction, let my attention wander non-specifically at crucial moments.
I don't think it was a deliberate attempt on my part to lead her on... maybe subconsciously part of me wanted the power of knowing what I know about women, in this position. Maybe it was a secret, passive-aggressive revenge for her confrontational tendencies. Maybe it was a reaction against her "look at me!" outfit. Before I knew it, we were playing a game, and I was not going to be the first to crack.
And in all that, I actually saw her warmer side, probably what attracted Rob to her in the first place. Once the "ice queen" facade melted (some alcohol involved) she was quite lovely, smart and funny, even.
Maybe I got a little carried away. I felt like she must really feel she knows Rob, because she knew him well enough to know she didn't want to be married to him. Yet by the end of the dinner I must have somehow conjured up the spirit of a younger, pre-married Rob. By the end, she was very cheerful and waxed nostalgic. Specifically, she sighed with a smile, "Oh, Rob... why did things have to change? We used to laugh like this a lot..." joking self-effacingly, "We really did ruin it by getting married."
Trying to disarm a mounting situation, I just shrugged, "I guess things change." She agreed, yet subtly implied that the "old Rob" still existed, and had resurfaced now that the marriage had split up.
Um... whoops?
Maybe it was a little intentional, but in an unconscious Freudian way... that I kind of sort of got her interested in me. By the end of the night, she was saying how much fun she'd had, and that we should try this again... leaving it open.
I played it off, but she was insistent, and has e-mailed me since to re-affirm this. I've consulted Todd, who has been not much help by insisting I go through with it. "Fuck it, it doesn't mean anything, you're not going to fall in love with her and it has nothing to do with the real you. Just go for it."
Thanks, Todd. I love you ,but not everyone was blessed with a detached opinion of sex and relationships as you were. As I well know. A lot of boys would actually be quite against this idea.
Rob, meanwhile, has been equally unhelpful, warning me to stay away from "the bitch," which is a slightly simplistic view to take, so... I'm not sure I can take that route either. She's in my life one way or the other.
But I got home after that meeting, and I just couldn't stop thinking about those looks she had been giving me... those bedroom eyes, that vibe she'd sent out that very clearly into me. Part of me felt guilty that she was attracted to "Rob" under false pretenses, and part of me felt a little... intrigued by that vibe. It's all very confusing.
There's really no easy way around it now. It's gotten to the point where I have to start making decisions that might affect Rob longer than I plan on staying as him. Sure, it wouldn't hurt Rob personally to break off all contact with his ex-wife... but some part of me doesn't sit well with mending fences with this woman and then giving her a new reason to hate me.
Well, I'll be thinking about it... believe me.
-Alia
PS In case you were wondering, the items Ingrid had to return to Rob were a milk crate of vinyl LPs. There's some good stuff in there, like Zeppelin, Frank Zappa, Santana, Emerson Lake & Palmer... okay, maybe not that last one.
I mean, what can I say? It's another month of Philadelphia, of pleasant enough weather (retaining a bit more warmth than Toronto usually does around this time.) Another month of being Rob Garcia, of facial stubble and hairy legs, of neckties and teenage students. Another month of slight beer gut and sore back slowing me down.
Each morning I sit up in bed, run my fingers through my short black hair and sigh, "It's gonna be okay." Then I just... I don't know, turn off "Alia" and be Rob. It saddens me somewhat to say that I feel like one of those really ineffectual teachers who is clearly phoning it in, lacking in passion... that was the whole reason I rejected my parents' push that I might do this job myself, because I didn't want to do anything I couldn't see myself feeling truly passionate about. And then when I get home, I'm free to more orless be myself again, and free my mind of all the trappings of Rob, even if I'm still physically him. That's when I get home and Todd is online for me to talk with.
Most days, we just share notes, commiserate. I hate to cheat you nice people out of hearing about my experiences, since I mainly sum them up to him and then I don't feel like writing here. And then when I try to, I end up rambling and trying to talk about everything and when I re-read it before posting, I decide it's crap and delete it all. I can be a bit hard on myself.
Anyway, I was telling him about something that happened to me recently and we got to talking about the Inn's "curse." Once your body has been transformed into someone else's you'll believe just about anything. The one that never ceases to amaze me is how it affects the people around me.
Maybe it says something about how we never really know each other. How hard it is to see anything below the surface of another person, and take their behaviour for granted. People act "out of character" all the time, even when they haven't been transformed (...although how can we know?) and even if others notice, and say something about it, it can always be explained as "Oh, I just feel different today."
There's an old philosophy question about, if you take a wooden ship and replace it plank-by-plank, when does it become a different ship? To the outside world, I seem to be the same ship, even though all my planks have been replaced.
In this metaphor, "the ship" is my appearance as Rob... ugh, see what I mean about rambling?
So for the most part, the people I've dealt with could barely be said to be lifelong close acquaintances of Rob. My inherited work friends seem to be taking more to me than they had when I first arrived, they may know Alia/Rob better than real Rob. How well do you know your casual work acquaintances? And all of Rob's family is back in Arizona.
Yet on the extreme side of things, think about Todd and Bryan last year. Todd was somebody's wife and mother for crying out loud, and at no point in this blog did he ever write about a time when Hal or one of the kids truly seemed put off by "her" (still can't picture Todd as a girl, and yet I've heard some very detailed accounts,) behaviour! I even asked if there was anything he was leaving out, and he said yes, a little bit, but nothing dramatic, otherwise he'd have mentioned it. And Bry was able to get away with wild mood swings because he was stuck in puberty anyway. Anyone who's ever been (or known) a 14-year-old girl wouldn't bat an eye if she ran the whole emotional gauntlet in a few moments, depending on the girl.
And meanwhile, my doppelganger up north seems to be passing decently. Yes, she shies away from situations where she has to be too familiar with people, but she's warming up to my life in a way I'm not sure I'm totally comfortable with. And not much in the way of raised eyebrows. I just find it eerie... the idea of never truly being known. I'm guilty of it myself, I know it from both sides, because as odd as Todd seemed for the year he wasn't himself, I hardly gave it much thought, because well, he was kinda mercurial. (In case you couldn't guess.) Finding out what had really happened was truly Earth-shattering, you can imagine.
I guess you really have to act out if you want to turn heads, and then you might get sent to the rubber room.
Which brings me to the whole reason I started writing here tonight, something I've been putting off. It was a meeting with the one person who I think would've known Rob well enough to say something. His ex-wife, Ingrid.
The ink was dry on the paper. It was all said and done, I had done Rob's job of formally ending his marriage, which is good because I had had enough of her harassing me. But apparently she still had some of his stuff in her trunk, and wanted to hand it off.
I was tempted to tell her to get stuffed, but then thought better; maybe this was stuff Rob wants when he gets back. Might as well just get it over with. So somehow this innocent transfer of property transmuted into a dinner. I don't know what I was expecting, a shadowy encounter in a parking garage perhaps. But I guess this is how grown-ups do it.
Ingrid has been rather hostile to me in the past, I can't deny it. And her bitchy demeanor has inspired less than kind thoughts in me, so I've returned it to some extent. (Funny how acting like a "bitch" while being a man just makes me look like kind of a dick.) But really, I believe in the goodness in people. That's probably why I stuck with Todd so long, and after a few negative encounters I realized that while I had inherited the baggage, I may not be beholden to it.
So I decided, over the dinner, to pour on the honey. We went out to a nice restaurant, she wore make-up and perfume, which to an ex-gal like myself, sent an obvious message ("I'm gonna make you want me but you can't have me.") Rob's gonna hate me for this, but I was excessively polite to her, conciliatory, agreeable. I admitted wrongdoing that I (Alia) had no stake in. Gave her whatever she wanted, argumentatively, and yet acted aloof, like I was completely unaffected by her charms.
Don't get me wrong. She looked great, and I noticed -- and Rob's body noticed. Maybe women are more in touch with the aesthetic than men are, so when a woman becomes a man, rather than the opposite, I can admit when I find a woman attractive. I can definitely appreciate all the work she put in to her appearance, and from this angle I truly understand the elusive allure of a nice set of breasts. (I was aware how men feel about breasts, and I knew how to emphasize them, yet the true connection between the two escaped me until now. Even now I can't articulate exactly the meaning of their effect.)
As we conversed, I used many of the tricks that had been used (deliberately or not...) on me in the past that got me more interested in a man. I disarmed her with humour, I spoke directly to her, maintaining eye contact whenever possible, and yet I also feigned distraction, let my attention wander non-specifically at crucial moments.
I don't think it was a deliberate attempt on my part to lead her on... maybe subconsciously part of me wanted the power of knowing what I know about women, in this position. Maybe it was a secret, passive-aggressive revenge for her confrontational tendencies. Maybe it was a reaction against her "look at me!" outfit. Before I knew it, we were playing a game, and I was not going to be the first to crack.
And in all that, I actually saw her warmer side, probably what attracted Rob to her in the first place. Once the "ice queen" facade melted (some alcohol involved) she was quite lovely, smart and funny, even.
Maybe I got a little carried away. I felt like she must really feel she knows Rob, because she knew him well enough to know she didn't want to be married to him. Yet by the end of the dinner I must have somehow conjured up the spirit of a younger, pre-married Rob. By the end, she was very cheerful and waxed nostalgic. Specifically, she sighed with a smile, "Oh, Rob... why did things have to change? We used to laugh like this a lot..." joking self-effacingly, "We really did ruin it by getting married."
Trying to disarm a mounting situation, I just shrugged, "I guess things change." She agreed, yet subtly implied that the "old Rob" still existed, and had resurfaced now that the marriage had split up.
Um... whoops?
Maybe it was a little intentional, but in an unconscious Freudian way... that I kind of sort of got her interested in me. By the end of the night, she was saying how much fun she'd had, and that we should try this again... leaving it open.
I played it off, but she was insistent, and has e-mailed me since to re-affirm this. I've consulted Todd, who has been not much help by insisting I go through with it. "Fuck it, it doesn't mean anything, you're not going to fall in love with her and it has nothing to do with the real you. Just go for it."
Thanks, Todd. I love you ,but not everyone was blessed with a detached opinion of sex and relationships as you were. As I well know. A lot of boys would actually be quite against this idea.
Rob, meanwhile, has been equally unhelpful, warning me to stay away from "the bitch," which is a slightly simplistic view to take, so... I'm not sure I can take that route either. She's in my life one way or the other.
But I got home after that meeting, and I just couldn't stop thinking about those looks she had been giving me... those bedroom eyes, that vibe she'd sent out that very clearly into me. Part of me felt guilty that she was attracted to "Rob" under false pretenses, and part of me felt a little... intrigued by that vibe. It's all very confusing.
There's really no easy way around it now. It's gotten to the point where I have to start making decisions that might affect Rob longer than I plan on staying as him. Sure, it wouldn't hurt Rob personally to break off all contact with his ex-wife... but some part of me doesn't sit well with mending fences with this woman and then giving her a new reason to hate me.
Well, I'll be thinking about it... believe me.
-Alia
PS In case you were wondering, the items Ingrid had to return to Rob were a milk crate of vinyl LPs. There's some good stuff in there, like Zeppelin, Frank Zappa, Santana, Emerson Lake & Palmer... okay, maybe not that last one.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Alia/Rob: Too quiet
It hasn't exactly been a carnival for me since I've been here. It's been quiet and lonely, not really worth writing about. I've had to study up on the curriculum for Rob's English and History classes. The preparation has been somewhat akin to what Greg has spoken about, although rather than finger painting and naptime, I have to refresh my memory on figurative language and the Battle of Antietam.
I'm not really comfortable with this situation, because I feel like I'm doing myself, or Rob, or those kids a disservice if I don't know this stuff well enough to communicate it properly, even if most high school teachers I've know haven't had that attitude. Back when I was in high school, I had a teacher, Mr. Brown, who showed up every morning seeming genuinely excited to be teaching his students. He really seemed to like his job, and it was that enjoyment that, for a time, made me want to be a teacher. But that phase passed, and now here I am anyway. and I always thought, if I was going to be a teacher, that's the type I would be - enthusiastic and engaged, but how can I be enthusiastic? I'm not ready for this. It's a lot of responsibility. Classes start on the 3rd.
Meanwhile I've had my share of other concerns. For one, I had a very tense meeting with Rob's soon-to-be ex-wife Ingrid and her lawyer, and they were not pleased that Rob had missed their previously scheduled meeting (which, by my calendar, was shortly before I inherited his life and problems.) She gave me a death-stare the entire time.
She's one of those cold, detached yet mysteriously perfect-looking blonde white ladies my mom always seemed to have a bug up her behind about. She used to warn me that most men really wanted her type, although I thought it was an unfair prejudice, especially considering she married a white guy (and has been happy with him for nearly 30 years.) And most of my best friends have always been white anyway, so I never really thought of myself as "different" from them. This lady, though, gave me the chills, but it had nothing to do with race. Gender, maybe, but not race.
I could see why she might not have made a super-pleasant wife. My guess is that their relationship was fine as long as it was casual. She can't have been all that fun to go on dates with, but she got her claws in him, made him settle down before he was ready, controlled him and caused him to freak out, who probably explains why the first girl he saw, before their marriage was even officially over, was a hairdresser nearly 10 years younger.
Anyway, she sat there, judging me - or Rob, but I was feeling it - with her eyes while the lawyer drew up some paperwork for us both to sign. I'm supposed to take it back to my lawyer, although I have no idea why he wasn't in on that meeting, get it notarized, and send it back to her camp.
I keep putting it off, though, because I'm busy with both the curriculum preparation, and leading my stupid double life. As much as I appreciate Crystal involving me in my life, it's enough of a headache to be Rob and I can't handle the pressure of being both Rob and Alia. For a while, she was been pretty compulsive about keeping me updated on her thoughts on what she may do while being me. And trust m, while I appreciate the consultation, I have matters of my own.
Still, there's some important stuff to deal with that some of these fellow-victims would probably have rather had a hand in with their lives. Crystal wasn't about to pick up my position as a grad student. As important as it was to me that I finish my Master's degree in good time, there aren't any requirements that can't be put on hold until I can resume them myself. Until then, we brainstormed jobs that I could get with my resume, and that she was capable of handling. She's a pretty capable lady, and I'm somewhat accomplished I suppose, so it wasn't hard to come up with a few things -- jobs I wouldn't have necessarily wanted, but were available to me.
What was surprising was how quickly she started getting interviews for places like ad agencies and marketing firms. After only a few weeks, she actually got Full-time position writing ad copy for a place called Epic Communications. It's a small firm with a couple big clients, so the pay isn't great, but enough to sustain the modest lifestyle I'd been living anyway.
Since landing the job, thankfully, Crystal seems to have broken away and started doing her own thing. Obviously I intend to keep informed of what is going on in her life, despite the fact that she is not interested in contributing to this blog. Luckily, I've got two very dedicated spies on her trail in Todd and Bry. Mwahaha.
I'm kidding. She knows they're reporting to me.
Anyway, as annoying as her obsessive advice-seeking was at first, I don't mind that she was the one to end up with my body. She seems like a respectable woman, very driven and dedicated, and eager not to screw things up for me or for her. Maybe it seems a little too perfect, but quite honestly, I think the trade-off is that her life is boring.
Which I'm fine with. As you can imagine, my life as Rob has been pretty boring so far too. Don't get me wrong, I've scrawled down plenty of "Tired of worrying about catching penis in zipper" observations, but we have to save something for later entries, don't we...
Cheers,
Alia
I'm not really comfortable with this situation, because I feel like I'm doing myself, or Rob, or those kids a disservice if I don't know this stuff well enough to communicate it properly, even if most high school teachers I've know haven't had that attitude. Back when I was in high school, I had a teacher, Mr. Brown, who showed up every morning seeming genuinely excited to be teaching his students. He really seemed to like his job, and it was that enjoyment that, for a time, made me want to be a teacher. But that phase passed, and now here I am anyway. and I always thought, if I was going to be a teacher, that's the type I would be - enthusiastic and engaged, but how can I be enthusiastic? I'm not ready for this. It's a lot of responsibility. Classes start on the 3rd.
Meanwhile I've had my share of other concerns. For one, I had a very tense meeting with Rob's soon-to-be ex-wife Ingrid and her lawyer, and they were not pleased that Rob had missed their previously scheduled meeting (which, by my calendar, was shortly before I inherited his life and problems.) She gave me a death-stare the entire time.
She's one of those cold, detached yet mysteriously perfect-looking blonde white ladies my mom always seemed to have a bug up her behind about. She used to warn me that most men really wanted her type, although I thought it was an unfair prejudice, especially considering she married a white guy (and has been happy with him for nearly 30 years.) And most of my best friends have always been white anyway, so I never really thought of myself as "different" from them. This lady, though, gave me the chills, but it had nothing to do with race. Gender, maybe, but not race.
I could see why she might not have made a super-pleasant wife. My guess is that their relationship was fine as long as it was casual. She can't have been all that fun to go on dates with, but she got her claws in him, made him settle down before he was ready, controlled him and caused him to freak out, who probably explains why the first girl he saw, before their marriage was even officially over, was a hairdresser nearly 10 years younger.
Anyway, she sat there, judging me - or Rob, but I was feeling it - with her eyes while the lawyer drew up some paperwork for us both to sign. I'm supposed to take it back to my lawyer, although I have no idea why he wasn't in on that meeting, get it notarized, and send it back to her camp.
I keep putting it off, though, because I'm busy with both the curriculum preparation, and leading my stupid double life. As much as I appreciate Crystal involving me in my life, it's enough of a headache to be Rob and I can't handle the pressure of being both Rob and Alia. For a while, she was been pretty compulsive about keeping me updated on her thoughts on what she may do while being me. And trust m, while I appreciate the consultation, I have matters of my own.
Still, there's some important stuff to deal with that some of these fellow-victims would probably have rather had a hand in with their lives. Crystal wasn't about to pick up my position as a grad student. As important as it was to me that I finish my Master's degree in good time, there aren't any requirements that can't be put on hold until I can resume them myself. Until then, we brainstormed jobs that I could get with my resume, and that she was capable of handling. She's a pretty capable lady, and I'm somewhat accomplished I suppose, so it wasn't hard to come up with a few things -- jobs I wouldn't have necessarily wanted, but were available to me.
What was surprising was how quickly she started getting interviews for places like ad agencies and marketing firms. After only a few weeks, she actually got Full-time position writing ad copy for a place called Epic Communications. It's a small firm with a couple big clients, so the pay isn't great, but enough to sustain the modest lifestyle I'd been living anyway.
Since landing the job, thankfully, Crystal seems to have broken away and started doing her own thing. Obviously I intend to keep informed of what is going on in her life, despite the fact that she is not interested in contributing to this blog. Luckily, I've got two very dedicated spies on her trail in Todd and Bry. Mwahaha.
I'm kidding. She knows they're reporting to me.
Anyway, as annoying as her obsessive advice-seeking was at first, I don't mind that she was the one to end up with my body. She seems like a respectable woman, very driven and dedicated, and eager not to screw things up for me or for her. Maybe it seems a little too perfect, but quite honestly, I think the trade-off is that her life is boring.
Which I'm fine with. As you can imagine, my life as Rob has been pretty boring so far too. Don't get me wrong, I've scrawled down plenty of "Tired of worrying about catching penis in zipper" observations, but we have to save something for later entries, don't we...
Cheers,
Alia
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