I'm back in Vermont now, so if anyone is worried that I ran away, I didn't. Tori was confused by the end of my lest post and sent me a frantic email. I regret ending the last post the way I did but I was tired and the Hotel Wi-Fi is spotty.
I left Bangor that morning and drove east over the border to Fredericton, New Brunswick. It's a good thing I grabbed Alex's passport, because you need one to go to Canada these days. (Little FYI for all of you out there, the law changed a few years back).
Fredericton is a nice city, not huge and pretty. But I wasn't there for sightseeing, I was there to speak to Tanya Kearns, or at least the person who appeared to be Tanya Kearns, who's real name is Fletcher.
Fletcher, if you havent been paying close attention, is a Traveler, someone who goes to the inn over and over again to get a new body. Which is what I've become by default. He met Alia "Sam/Max/Ellie" back in 2010, when he was part of an old married couple. Alia's post mentioning him and the concept of "traveling" is what convinced me to break out of my depression and start blogging again.
Anyway, Tanya was the sister of Melanie, who was the girlfriend of Max. This summer a guy named Roger had his old body stolen and Fletcher worked it so he wound up in Max's and in the process, he wound up in Tanya's. Everyone got that? Good. It's confusing as hell so if you have to re read it, go ahead.
Anyway, I had wriggled Tanya's contact info out of "Ellie" and had her meet me in the bar of the hotel I was staying at. I had sent her a pic on her phone so she'd know how to find me.
I was on my second drink when a girl started waving at me from across the bar. She was just as described on the blog, I think. Brunette with blonde streaks, with a body type that could be described as "fluffy." I mean, after spending a year as Dee, I'm hesitant to call ANY other woman fat, but this girl was muffintopping - and I guess, to her credit, she wasn't ashamed of it. She was dressed in a way that didn't suggest "a former man embarrassed of his female body," with a mini-skirt halfway up her thigh (in chilly Canadian weather!) and spaghetti strap top - which did not conceal her pink bra; a push-up number. She waved me over to a booth once we were certain we knew each other.
"Alexis?" she asked, and then said "Or is it 'Alexis'" this time with finger-quotes.
"It's more like the second one," I told her, "But you don't have to do the fingers. I just won't be Alexis much
longer."
She looked me up and down. I was wearing khaki slacks and a green blouse. "So you're a lesbian, right? I can tell from the hair."
I was a bit put off by the small talk, but I admitted "Yeah, after a few years of really girly bodies, it was nice to do something more comfortable."
She said, "Dyke style. I like it." I gritted my teeth instead of objecting out loud. She continued.
"Well I'd say you seem a bit uptight but I've read your recent activities and it doesn't seem like you need to loosen up any more than you already did... if you know what I mean. Gotta say, it's true, nobody knows a woman's body like another woman. I bet you really liked that."
"Yeah," I said, squirming in my seat. Talking on the blog is one thing, but being grilled about my sex life in person really made me uncomfortable. "Sounds like you know something about that."
She smiled that really evil smile of hers. Based on descriptions of her previous bodies, it must be the person inside, not the girl herself. "I'm an adventurous type," she said, sipping her beer. "And I've had a lot of opportunities, since I've been in a lot of bodies."
"How many?"
"That's a trade secret." She didn't seem to want to talk too much about her past. "But if you think it's shocking to be a lesbo, you should try being a gay dude. Especially one that's married to a chick and doesn't even tell you he likes dudes." She paused. "So what can I do for you?"
"I just want advice. You go back to the inn all the time... how do you manage these peoples' lives without totally destroying them?"
"Oh honey," she said in a patronizing tone, placing her hand on my shoulder, "There's your first mistake. Worrying about something like destroying a person's life."
"You mean you just do as you please?"
"I do what's best. I have the body. If I'm in a situation where I want something, I take it, and I don't think twice."
"But don't you worry about giving these people their lives back? Making it easy, so they can pick up where they left off?"
"I don't take requests, babe. I do what I think is right, but right for me. I don't like being controlled."
"Must be nice for you to be able to think that way," I said bitterly, "Was your old life ever wrecked?"
She got this faraway look in her eyes, like something really spooky was going through her mind, and she said quietly, "My old, old, old first life? The person I started out as? One day I got the call that that person had to make a choice, a choice I knew I couldn't have made, and when that decision was final, I knew there was no going back. I didn't blame him for what he had to do, it just showed me that you can really only move forward."
"I didn't have to ruin Alex's life, though. I didn't need to see Annabelle."
"If you're trying to keep everything in mint condition, then you fucked up the minute you stepped into Alexis' shoes. The minute you met Annabelle, the minute you planted the idea in her head that Alexis was an option for her, it was done. Because that probably wouldn't have happened to the real Alexis, but it did. It's not your fault, it’s hers for liking you."
"Hey," I started to get really mad, "I'm not blaming Annabelle for this!"
"Well you're not the one to blame either, hon. It's not natural to deny yourself happiness, to suffer so someone else can maintain their stupid comfort zone. You don't last as long in life as I have by playing it safe. You keep going back long enough, you realize some things can't be helped. Don't be a hero, girl."
I said quietly, into my drink, "I don't think I want to be like you."
She smiled. Instead of taking offense, I think she understood. "Your loss."
I sighed and changed the subject. "I just hope my next body is something easy. Like a regular boring married guy."
"Anything's possible," she shrugged, taking another drink, "But with your shitty-ass luck, you'll end up a 5-year-old girl with parents who wanna keep you from going back."
"Oh God, that sounds like a nightmare!"
She smiled "Happened to a buddy of mine. Just turned 12, poor kid." She gave me advice on what to do if something extreme happens: if I end up as a kid, or old. She also said not to worry if I didn't go back every year. "I'm not saying get too comfortable, but some bodies are worth keeping a while. I think I'm gonna stay here this summer."
I didn't say anything but I must have had a disbelieving face on. "Oh don't be such a bitch. It's got a few more pounds and more miles on the odometer than a body this age should, but some of the boys love it, and it's lower maintenance than some skinny bitch who only eats lettuce."
I thanked her for her time, and told her I was going to go to the ladies' room, then head back to my hotel. When I got out of the stall, she was waiting for me by the sink.
"Now hold up," she said. "You're telling me you came all this way, and all you wanted was to talk?"
"Yeah, pretty much."
"I'm insulted," she said mockingly. "With all your lady-troubles, you'd pass up a shot at some no-consequences girl on girl? I bet you eat pussy like a champ now, and don't even pretend like you haven't been ogling my tits all night."
"Don't flatter yourself. Between Annabelle, Malinda, and myself, you've got the fourth best set of tits I've seen lately. I never thought I'd say this, but I have enough women on my case nowadays. Besides, aren't you straight, not gay?"
She smiled that evil grin again, "I don't know what those words mean anymore."
As we parted at the exit, she turned to me and said "Last piece of advice before you go: Don't be too trusting. The inn makes it really easy to lie, even to other people that go. I'm one of the good ones, but there's others, people that really know how to fuck a person over."
That was something I had never considered before, and stuck with me the whole way home. I thanked her for that, and laughed to myself about her being one of the "good ones." She shook my hand and went back inside, saying "Well, time to go get laid." Charming.
Back in the hotel room I thought about what she had said. I didnt want to become some disaffected hedonist who did whatever felt good with someone elses life, but I also didn't like the idea of being constrained by every little rule they had. I resolved to find a happy medium and be a better Traveler than Fletcher, even if that meant breaking things off with Annabelle and continuing my marriage illusion to Malinda.
I took the long way home and paid for it, the weather was a bitch in the northeast last weekend and it took me 3 days to get back to Burlington.
When I got back to the condo I put my luggage at the door and went upstairs to collapse on the bed. Malinda was in the master bedroom already and when she sighed and her face was almost reassured "You're back" she whispered
"Yep" I said "Someone's gotta earn the money"
She smiled. "I should thank you for that, by the way" she said "I dont know if I ever have before."
I gave her a puzzled look "No problem"
"I've been sleeping in the bed, I can move if you need it" she offered.
"Nah, I'll sleep on the couch. We'll trade off later" I told her, repaying her kindess.
As I was leaving she spat out "Sorry I hit you"
"It's ok, sorry I rubbed the whole gay thing in your face. I know it's a big shock"
"This whole thing is a big shock, and all youve ever done is try to help me through it. I hope you know I appreciate it even if I dont show it"
So now I'm on my couch and Malinda is pleasant again. We've got 2 or 3 months left in these bodies, lets hope things stay that way.
-Greg.
Showing posts with label Greg. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Greg. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 01, 2012
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Alia: Here we stand
I think, based on what they've been through, Todd and Bryan will always be pals. Like brothers. They went through the whole Inn thing together. They have disagreements and misunderstandings but there will always be that bond between them. I think that's why their drive, their communication as a band is so much better now than it was in the past.
I saw Bryan pulling away from Shelby early on the tour. I don't know what happened, whether it goes back to the whole double-life thing, or if it's just the way people decide to break up. I probably don't need to. But of late, Todd and I have been responsible for keeping the two of them separate.
This was a bit of a problem because ever since I met her, Shelby has been suspicious of me. I guess it makes sense. She sees "me" as Bryan's ex, currently with Todd, whereas in reality I never have dated Bryan (and never would, sorry B) and have always been faithful to Todd, at least since getting my body back. But there's no way to explain this, so I'm Yoko. Except Yoko didn't fuck all the Beatles. So I don't know who that makes me.
It's awkward as hell being around them. They don't talk, they don't seem comfortable. So when it happened, I was the only girl around and she needed to vent. We went out for drinks, she opened up and I shared some too. She said that the fact that I could still be friends with him made her think she could keep going with the band, and I hope she does because she's a good fit. She's a good fit in every way but one, and that's the one thing that makes her different for all of us. It's why we all feel like we're putting on a front when we're around her, it's why Todd had to keep her entertained the day we hung out with Tori, and it's why she was with me after the show when we played Burlington.
I met Greg in passing. He even managed to get Malinda out to the show, and they both seemed to enjoy the bands. But I couldn't stay for the real meet-and-greet, I had to whist Shelby off to the hotel, where our nightly girl talk commenced. Shelby, trying in vain to speculate what had come between her and Bryan, and me trying to keep it all a secret (not that she'd believe me.)
The next morning when I met up with the guys, Todd gave me the lowdown. They hung around, sharing war stories and guy talk. Malinda was a bit quiet at first but loosened up after a few drinks. By Todd's account, Greg was a nice person, but it was the same way he thought of Darren/Jamie, when they met years ago: If they were both guys and never been to the Inn, they probably wouldn't have been buddies. Bryan had little to add to the situation.
Between Philly and Vermont was New York City. I love that place, four days was barely enough time spent there. The guys played a few sparsely-attended shows and spent a couple of days chasing down leads based on vague information from the real Ellie's letter. I can tell Bryan is really unnerved by that situation. I don't blame him, it bothers me too. How could anyone knowingly go to the Inn, and bring people along with them? Were they tricked? Coerced? Forced? It troubles me how little Ellie said about her current location. Either she wants to disappear, or someone wants to make her disappear. Troubling.
We pursued a few leads in our spare time, but to little effect. Luckily, we'll get our chance again. Apparently the venue managers in Manhattan liked their sound and asked them to come back for Halloween, and since we don't have any gigs booked past this weekend we could probably stretch some dollars and spend enough time down there to really get to the bottom of this.
Right now, we're in Massachusetts, playing Boston this Friday, and then spending some time in Todd and Bryan's old stomping grounds... Connecticut. (Shudder.) At least I'll get to check in on Sam. I mean Max. I mean Ellie. Oy, that girl.
-Alia
I saw Bryan pulling away from Shelby early on the tour. I don't know what happened, whether it goes back to the whole double-life thing, or if it's just the way people decide to break up. I probably don't need to. But of late, Todd and I have been responsible for keeping the two of them separate.
This was a bit of a problem because ever since I met her, Shelby has been suspicious of me. I guess it makes sense. She sees "me" as Bryan's ex, currently with Todd, whereas in reality I never have dated Bryan (and never would, sorry B) and have always been faithful to Todd, at least since getting my body back. But there's no way to explain this, so I'm Yoko. Except Yoko didn't fuck all the Beatles. So I don't know who that makes me.
It's awkward as hell being around them. They don't talk, they don't seem comfortable. So when it happened, I was the only girl around and she needed to vent. We went out for drinks, she opened up and I shared some too. She said that the fact that I could still be friends with him made her think she could keep going with the band, and I hope she does because she's a good fit. She's a good fit in every way but one, and that's the one thing that makes her different for all of us. It's why we all feel like we're putting on a front when we're around her, it's why Todd had to keep her entertained the day we hung out with Tori, and it's why she was with me after the show when we played Burlington.
I met Greg in passing. He even managed to get Malinda out to the show, and they both seemed to enjoy the bands. But I couldn't stay for the real meet-and-greet, I had to whist Shelby off to the hotel, where our nightly girl talk commenced. Shelby, trying in vain to speculate what had come between her and Bryan, and me trying to keep it all a secret (not that she'd believe me.)
The next morning when I met up with the guys, Todd gave me the lowdown. They hung around, sharing war stories and guy talk. Malinda was a bit quiet at first but loosened up after a few drinks. By Todd's account, Greg was a nice person, but it was the same way he thought of Darren/Jamie, when they met years ago: If they were both guys and never been to the Inn, they probably wouldn't have been buddies. Bryan had little to add to the situation.
Between Philly and Vermont was New York City. I love that place, four days was barely enough time spent there. The guys played a few sparsely-attended shows and spent a couple of days chasing down leads based on vague information from the real Ellie's letter. I can tell Bryan is really unnerved by that situation. I don't blame him, it bothers me too. How could anyone knowingly go to the Inn, and bring people along with them? Were they tricked? Coerced? Forced? It troubles me how little Ellie said about her current location. Either she wants to disappear, or someone wants to make her disappear. Troubling.
We pursued a few leads in our spare time, but to little effect. Luckily, we'll get our chance again. Apparently the venue managers in Manhattan liked their sound and asked them to come back for Halloween, and since we don't have any gigs booked past this weekend we could probably stretch some dollars and spend enough time down there to really get to the bottom of this.
Right now, we're in Massachusetts, playing Boston this Friday, and then spending some time in Todd and Bryan's old stomping grounds... Connecticut. (Shudder.) At least I'll get to check in on Sam. I mean Max. I mean Ellie. Oy, that girl.
-Alia
Monday, April 12, 2010
Greg/Priya: Insurgency
Wow. So i did not check this blog once this week. I had to go to work and to do so I had to put this whole situation out of my mind. Its nearly impossible to teach a bunch of little kids and keep them straight and paying attention if your mind is wandering all day, so I did whatever I could to "be Priya" at work this week. I did pretty well, I didnt break down crying at school or anything, but there were some reminders of my old life that made me sad. Particular this one little girl who happens to be named Amber.
Anyway, when I got home Friday I checked the blog and found what I later confirmed to be a Trading Post Inn Blog record 12 comments on my post, most of which were full of great ideas on how to get my life back, some more feasible than others.
First off, Id like to thank Todd, Alia, and Cliff for being so empathetic and supportive. Although I will admit I didn't read most of Cliff's last post. I started skimming when he got to the part about a wedding and being a bridesmaid. I have been in contact with a few of them and the all pledged to help as much as they can.
The best idea any poster had was to do some research into Dee's life and see if shes telling truth. The body of Dolores Henderson is currently inhabited by Hilary Benson, a 30 year old pharmacy tech from Memphis. Hilary and I had emailed briefly when we set up the chain to get people back in their bodies, and she was still going back to the inn to get hers back, even if Dee wasnt planning on taking what she left there.
Hilary confirmed that Dee was an insurance adjuster living in Oxford, Mississippi, and that she was 45 and got divorced in 2008. What I didnt know about was that Dee had a kid who was nearly my age. A 22 year old daughter who moved to Dallas after high school. Apparently the empty nest helped put the divorce in motion.
Hilary couldnt give me many details about the divorce, because she didnt know them. Her ex husband had left the state afterwards and they havent spoken. She agreed to look at the legal documents and pry the kid for information the best she could.
One thing that did help was she sent pictures of her new body, clothed of course. Dee looked like a typical 45 year old. Not obese but some fat in a few areas, some wrinkles and a couple of gray hairs. Not the worst body I could think of, but not something I wanna spend my life in.
Anyway, before I go up and down and talk about realistic scenarios where I can mess with Dee enough to convince her to give my life back, Ive got to say that Im absolutely not going to do anything illegal. I cant risk it. If i get caught, its not Greg Schmitt getting the criminal record, its Priya Patel. And Priya is a friend of mine, and friends dont risk putting other friends bodies in lock up. If I go to jail and not the inn, neither of us gets our body back. Not to mention the fact that Kidnapping/Extortion are the quickest ways to get fired as a Kindergarten teacher.
The first legal suggestion made was to tell the boss. This sounds good, but probably wont do anything. For one thing I was "The Boss", or at least I was at that hotel. I was the general manager, meaning that my direct superior was a district manager from corporate who only came to the hotel twice a month. For another thing, employer/employee relationships are perfectly legal with our parent company, provided that they are consensual and that the proper paperwork is filled out once it becomes official. As to before they were official, im not sure I can do anything unless they did it at work. Also I'm not sure I want to do something that will get Greg Schmitt fired and have it say on Greg Schmitt's references that he was dismissed for sexual impropriety. Plus Heather would have to press charges. I dont know if any of the other employees would get jealous, Heather has always been my personal aide and shes the only one. I dont know if they could prove "preferential treatment".
This brings me a great idea someone had: Mess with Heather. This has real possibilities, but I'll have to be subtle. I cant go, as the person suggested, and befriend her and try to sabotage the relationship on the inside because Heather might recognize me from the day I confronted Dee at the hotel, and because Dee would know who I am and tell Heather to stay away from me.
I do like the idea of making Heather think SHES been cheated on. Somehow I'm going to find a way to get a pair of Priya's underwear in a position for Heather to see them. Thanks to yoga, Im much slimmer than both Heather and Amber, and she'll know the pair belongs to someone else. The trick will be getting access to her, as Dee moved out of my old apartment and I dont know her new address, nor Heathers. I tried looking it up on the hotel database from home, but all the passwords and login prompts had been changed. Makes me think Dee was taking precautions.
Im also going to try to find out a way to make Dee think that Heather is cheating. This is gonna require a little bit of stalking but I think a few anonymous flowers and candygrams might do the trick.
Im currently organizing everyone who would believe me to help send messages to Heather trying to tell her whats going on/ Greg is an asshole and she needs to break it off. This actually holds some promise because I'd imagine shed get curious and do a little research of her own. Im not afraid to have people call the hotel number either.
One person suggested making such a scene that the person who is behind the Inn would intervene to keep it from going public. Im not sure this'll work because:
1. Im not sure who is behind the Inn's curse
2. I dont think they need to intervene to keep this quiet. The curse has worked pretty effective over the past hundred plus years that nobody has gone public that we know of. Even this blog is viewed by most as little more than a work of fiction.
3. Considering the things that have happened to Ashlyn, I dont think I want to be in debt to "Pygmalion" or whomever.
Off of point number 2 above, someone suggested showing this blog to both Amber and Heather, and that Im going to do. But im not sure how much success I'll have. Theres something about the curse. When I first posted, it was before I was changed. I didnt even notice that the other posters were people who had been changed. Still, its worth a shot, and Im going to be emailing links to them when I can. Although I cant do as they suggested and make it a redirect for all logins on the hotel system, as I no longer have Admin access.
Again, thank you all for your suggestions. I'm going to start lining up the logistics of these things and start setting them into action. Im not about to watch my life get stolen without a fight. I'll keep you posted
-Greg
Anyway, when I got home Friday I checked the blog and found what I later confirmed to be a Trading Post Inn Blog record 12 comments on my post, most of which were full of great ideas on how to get my life back, some more feasible than others.
First off, Id like to thank Todd, Alia, and Cliff for being so empathetic and supportive. Although I will admit I didn't read most of Cliff's last post. I started skimming when he got to the part about a wedding and being a bridesmaid. I have been in contact with a few of them and the all pledged to help as much as they can.
The best idea any poster had was to do some research into Dee's life and see if shes telling truth. The body of Dolores Henderson is currently inhabited by Hilary Benson, a 30 year old pharmacy tech from Memphis. Hilary and I had emailed briefly when we set up the chain to get people back in their bodies, and she was still going back to the inn to get hers back, even if Dee wasnt planning on taking what she left there.
Hilary confirmed that Dee was an insurance adjuster living in Oxford, Mississippi, and that she was 45 and got divorced in 2008. What I didnt know about was that Dee had a kid who was nearly my age. A 22 year old daughter who moved to Dallas after high school. Apparently the empty nest helped put the divorce in motion.
Hilary couldnt give me many details about the divorce, because she didnt know them. Her ex husband had left the state afterwards and they havent spoken. She agreed to look at the legal documents and pry the kid for information the best she could.
One thing that did help was she sent pictures of her new body, clothed of course. Dee looked like a typical 45 year old. Not obese but some fat in a few areas, some wrinkles and a couple of gray hairs. Not the worst body I could think of, but not something I wanna spend my life in.
Anyway, before I go up and down and talk about realistic scenarios where I can mess with Dee enough to convince her to give my life back, Ive got to say that Im absolutely not going to do anything illegal. I cant risk it. If i get caught, its not Greg Schmitt getting the criminal record, its Priya Patel. And Priya is a friend of mine, and friends dont risk putting other friends bodies in lock up. If I go to jail and not the inn, neither of us gets our body back. Not to mention the fact that Kidnapping/Extortion are the quickest ways to get fired as a Kindergarten teacher.
The first legal suggestion made was to tell the boss. This sounds good, but probably wont do anything. For one thing I was "The Boss", or at least I was at that hotel. I was the general manager, meaning that my direct superior was a district manager from corporate who only came to the hotel twice a month. For another thing, employer/employee relationships are perfectly legal with our parent company, provided that they are consensual and that the proper paperwork is filled out once it becomes official. As to before they were official, im not sure I can do anything unless they did it at work. Also I'm not sure I want to do something that will get Greg Schmitt fired and have it say on Greg Schmitt's references that he was dismissed for sexual impropriety. Plus Heather would have to press charges. I dont know if any of the other employees would get jealous, Heather has always been my personal aide and shes the only one. I dont know if they could prove "preferential treatment".
This brings me a great idea someone had: Mess with Heather. This has real possibilities, but I'll have to be subtle. I cant go, as the person suggested, and befriend her and try to sabotage the relationship on the inside because Heather might recognize me from the day I confronted Dee at the hotel, and because Dee would know who I am and tell Heather to stay away from me.
I do like the idea of making Heather think SHES been cheated on. Somehow I'm going to find a way to get a pair of Priya's underwear in a position for Heather to see them. Thanks to yoga, Im much slimmer than both Heather and Amber, and she'll know the pair belongs to someone else. The trick will be getting access to her, as Dee moved out of my old apartment and I dont know her new address, nor Heathers. I tried looking it up on the hotel database from home, but all the passwords and login prompts had been changed. Makes me think Dee was taking precautions.
Im also going to try to find out a way to make Dee think that Heather is cheating. This is gonna require a little bit of stalking but I think a few anonymous flowers and candygrams might do the trick.
Im currently organizing everyone who would believe me to help send messages to Heather trying to tell her whats going on/ Greg is an asshole and she needs to break it off. This actually holds some promise because I'd imagine shed get curious and do a little research of her own. Im not afraid to have people call the hotel number either.
One person suggested making such a scene that the person who is behind the Inn would intervene to keep it from going public. Im not sure this'll work because:
1. Im not sure who is behind the Inn's curse
2. I dont think they need to intervene to keep this quiet. The curse has worked pretty effective over the past hundred plus years that nobody has gone public that we know of. Even this blog is viewed by most as little more than a work of fiction.
3. Considering the things that have happened to Ashlyn, I dont think I want to be in debt to "Pygmalion" or whomever.
Off of point number 2 above, someone suggested showing this blog to both Amber and Heather, and that Im going to do. But im not sure how much success I'll have. Theres something about the curse. When I first posted, it was before I was changed. I didnt even notice that the other posters were people who had been changed. Still, its worth a shot, and Im going to be emailing links to them when I can. Although I cant do as they suggested and make it a redirect for all logins on the hotel system, as I no longer have Admin access.
Again, thank you all for your suggestions. I'm going to start lining up the logistics of these things and start setting them into action. Im not about to watch my life get stolen without a fight. I'll keep you posted
-Greg
Wednesday, April 07, 2010
Cliff/Tori: Support
I haven't been on in a few weeks, barely even checked the blog (I mainly do when Alia tells me he posted) because I'd been, as weird as this sounds, enjoying life.
I know, I feel extremely guilty about writing that right now, but at the time, it was the truth. The weather got very gorgeous very quickly and unlike last summer I was not feeling self-conscious about my body. I've long since (well, depending on your count) accepted that for the time being, I look like this, I wear these clothes, I should make myself comfortable. So if I need to shave my legs and underarms so I can show some bare leg and shoulder, so be it. I was feeling good about feeling good. On the home stretch of my return to the Inn, time started to fly.
I don't know. It was just a good time to be Cliff being Tori. As miserable as the work days sometimes are, I got through them, then hung out with "the gang" at Raine and Sara's place, or the bar, or wherever. I didn't even feel bad about taking the night for myself occasionally, just to come home and relax, because I've been more social in the last few months than I've been in years.
Then I logged onto the blog late on April 1 or I guess the 2nd by then, and there was Greg's post. And it just hit my like a ton of bricks. All the carefree attitude I had the last few weeks just disintegrated in the harsh reality of it.
Suddenly all the fun I'd been having didn't seem so fun. The clothes, the hair, the boobs, and everything else that came with it, felt very bitter to me.
Greg, I'm so sorry about what's happening with you. Seriously. I don't even know what I would do if I found myself in your situation (crawl into a hole and die maybe.) Suddenly all the paranoia about not getting my body back has hit me again. The first thing I did after I read that post was e-mail Willy to make sure we were still cool. The fact that he took several days to get back to me (two days but it felt like a week) did not ease my mind.
He assured me that yes, everything was still going to plan, and that if I was really uncertain about it I should come up to Buffalo and check in on him for Easter. As much as that would set things straight for me, I still couldn't go through with it. I still carry a sneaking suspicion that he might want to try picking up where we left off, getting a few bonus miles out of our bodies before we go back. And my own suspicions that I may not be strong enough to resist the urge to try, because I already know how I'd rationalize it (oh, it's my body, he knows who I really am, it's not like he loves Tori or anything.) Best to avoid the problem altogether.
Not to mention, separating myself from the Pearces has become very difficult lately -- it's not like those first few months where I just stayed out of their way. "Mom" and I cook together and we all have movie nights and other weirdly home-sweet-home stuff. We're not the Brady Bunch but this isn't Married with Children either.
But finally, I just wasn't in the mood for anything this weekend. The entire time, the knowledge that one of us isn't making it back to the Inn -- I don't know Greg except through the blog, but I do know we're going through the same thing (except he's lost his fiancee to boot, which makes it way worse than anything that could happen to me) and I do feel a connection there. It's like that thing someone was telling Todd about the mushrooms. We're all part of a big secret family.
It all just weighed on my shoulders the entire weekend. So I just kinda sat, catatonic, while being welcomed to Tori's uncle's place (the same place we spent Christmas) by a parade of relatives whose names and backstories I have a hard time keeping straight. "Oh there's uncle whatsisface who brew his own wine, and Aunt whoosits and her three kids." Even more confusingly, both Dad's and Mom's side came by for the dinner, which was crazy, but I guess I didn't realize that the two halves of the family could be close. Repeatedly, I had to have embarrassing conversations where I attempted to account for the state of Tori's life. No, haven't really decided what career I want, still not dating anyone, blah blah. These things that hopefully will not be my problems in a few months..... yet by constantly having to address them it reminded me of what it would be like if they were. Which means really, they might as well be. And all the while, everyone's sort of disguising their disappointment with my apparent lack of direction, and I don't have any human connection whatsoever.
And then Ken shows up.
God bless Ken. Tori's older brother has been extremely cool the few times I've met him, and from our increasingly amusing conversations on MSN/Facebook. They have a very strong relationship and thankfully that has transplanted over to me. I just like the dude. He's like the brother I never had -- which is ironic in a way because I do have a brother, I just don't get along with him as well as I'd like.
Mae even brought Ed along, although they disappeared early and only returned for dinner... so...... yeah.
Anyway, Ken was there with his fiancee Jana. He proposed on New Year's, and she's been in crazy wedding-planning mode for a few months. They're planning a fall wedding. Most of the family loves her, although I think she's a little boring. Pretty, though, in a classic beauty kind of way. But if you saw me say that out loud, it would seem kind of bitchy, because I've heard myself-as-Tori described in similar ways (more like "pretty but weird.")
Ken made the rounds, and let Jana bond with the other women, and found me to try to bring me out of my gloom. He was a great guy for trying but at that point I was feeling really low. He asked me about it and I was evasive.
"It's just... life stuff. I mean, I'm doing okay for now, but I'm not sure where I go from here." It was totally in-character stuff, covering for my real problems with the believable fakes.
Ken admitted that telemarketing really didn't sound like a good long-term plan, but if it wasn't killing me, it was good enough to keep at until I figure out something better. I told him that wasn't very good advice, and he grinned and shrugged, "What do you want to hear from me? I have the worst job, but I'm happy enough that I don't care." He works in banks or something nonspecific like that.
I was puzzled. "If you hate your job so much, why do you consider yourself happy?"
"I'm getting married soon, Vic." Only Ken and Mae call me Vic. I kinda like it (because if you squint your ears it sounds like Cliff.) "I'm in love with an amazing woman, I don't mean to rub it in or anything, but I couldn't care less about job satisfaction right now."
This did not help. On top of everything else, part of the reason I was supposedly miserable is that I'm single? I didn't want to admit it, but even when I was doing IT, which I liked (despite not being passionate about it, I felt needed and was good at it, so I generally liked it) I knew that yeah, loneliness was a problem. But I had just started being happy being my version of Tori. Why'd he have to rub it in? I just gritted my teeth.
"I don't know," he added, "Maybe it's not a relationship. Maybe it is the job. Maybe it's everything."
"Yeah, it's everything." I sighed, forcing a laugh.
"Maybe it's because you live at--" he stopped himself.
There was a pause before I finished the thought "At home? Yeah. That probably doesn't help."
Look, it's not my place to start rearranging Tori's whole life, especially not now, and as much as I've come to like the Pearces, I can't deny that if I had my choice, I'd be out on my own. But again, it's all the "I'm not myself, this is not my life" stress. I just couldn't express any of that.
So we changed the subject.
"So, I was talking to Jana," he said, "And she kind of liked the idea that you and Mae would be her bridesmaids." That was a bit startling. Thinking back, it was maybe a bit rude to just be stone cold about it, like "Yeah, that'll be fun," showing no enthusiasm. I know I'm not planning on being around for it, but at this time I was practically convinced that I was, and it all just... ugh, it's all too much.
Ken seemed disappointed that this didn't cheer me up (it totally would've been Tori's thing) and that really drove home how much of a mood I was in. Ken and Jana were stayign at our place, and that night, we rented Zombieland... they were cuddled on the couch to one side, I was on the other, and I have to admit, seeing them be so close was really a bummer. Ken wasn't totally wrong, but he couldn't know that he was the one I was really jealous of.
It all just comes back to wanting to be a man holding a girl like that.
So I just thought I'd get that off my chest. Sorry to be so self-obsessed at a time when Greg has some real problems, though. I feel kind of useless because I just have no idea how I'd handle a situation like that. I hope you get it sorted out.
The rest of us just have to keep living the way we are.
I know, I feel extremely guilty about writing that right now, but at the time, it was the truth. The weather got very gorgeous very quickly and unlike last summer I was not feeling self-conscious about my body. I've long since (well, depending on your count) accepted that for the time being, I look like this, I wear these clothes, I should make myself comfortable. So if I need to shave my legs and underarms so I can show some bare leg and shoulder, so be it. I was feeling good about feeling good. On the home stretch of my return to the Inn, time started to fly.
I don't know. It was just a good time to be Cliff being Tori. As miserable as the work days sometimes are, I got through them, then hung out with "the gang" at Raine and Sara's place, or the bar, or wherever. I didn't even feel bad about taking the night for myself occasionally, just to come home and relax, because I've been more social in the last few months than I've been in years.
Then I logged onto the blog late on April 1 or I guess the 2nd by then, and there was Greg's post. And it just hit my like a ton of bricks. All the carefree attitude I had the last few weeks just disintegrated in the harsh reality of it.
Suddenly all the fun I'd been having didn't seem so fun. The clothes, the hair, the boobs, and everything else that came with it, felt very bitter to me.
Greg, I'm so sorry about what's happening with you. Seriously. I don't even know what I would do if I found myself in your situation (crawl into a hole and die maybe.) Suddenly all the paranoia about not getting my body back has hit me again. The first thing I did after I read that post was e-mail Willy to make sure we were still cool. The fact that he took several days to get back to me (two days but it felt like a week) did not ease my mind.
He assured me that yes, everything was still going to plan, and that if I was really uncertain about it I should come up to Buffalo and check in on him for Easter. As much as that would set things straight for me, I still couldn't go through with it. I still carry a sneaking suspicion that he might want to try picking up where we left off, getting a few bonus miles out of our bodies before we go back. And my own suspicions that I may not be strong enough to resist the urge to try, because I already know how I'd rationalize it (oh, it's my body, he knows who I really am, it's not like he loves Tori or anything.) Best to avoid the problem altogether.
Not to mention, separating myself from the Pearces has become very difficult lately -- it's not like those first few months where I just stayed out of their way. "Mom" and I cook together and we all have movie nights and other weirdly home-sweet-home stuff. We're not the Brady Bunch but this isn't Married with Children either.
But finally, I just wasn't in the mood for anything this weekend. The entire time, the knowledge that one of us isn't making it back to the Inn -- I don't know Greg except through the blog, but I do know we're going through the same thing (except he's lost his fiancee to boot, which makes it way worse than anything that could happen to me) and I do feel a connection there. It's like that thing someone was telling Todd about the mushrooms. We're all part of a big secret family.
It all just weighed on my shoulders the entire weekend. So I just kinda sat, catatonic, while being welcomed to Tori's uncle's place (the same place we spent Christmas) by a parade of relatives whose names and backstories I have a hard time keeping straight. "Oh there's uncle whatsisface who brew his own wine, and Aunt whoosits and her three kids." Even more confusingly, both Dad's and Mom's side came by for the dinner, which was crazy, but I guess I didn't realize that the two halves of the family could be close. Repeatedly, I had to have embarrassing conversations where I attempted to account for the state of Tori's life. No, haven't really decided what career I want, still not dating anyone, blah blah. These things that hopefully will not be my problems in a few months..... yet by constantly having to address them it reminded me of what it would be like if they were. Which means really, they might as well be. And all the while, everyone's sort of disguising their disappointment with my apparent lack of direction, and I don't have any human connection whatsoever.
And then Ken shows up.
God bless Ken. Tori's older brother has been extremely cool the few times I've met him, and from our increasingly amusing conversations on MSN/Facebook. They have a very strong relationship and thankfully that has transplanted over to me. I just like the dude. He's like the brother I never had -- which is ironic in a way because I do have a brother, I just don't get along with him as well as I'd like.
Mae even brought Ed along, although they disappeared early and only returned for dinner... so...... yeah.
Anyway, Ken was there with his fiancee Jana. He proposed on New Year's, and she's been in crazy wedding-planning mode for a few months. They're planning a fall wedding. Most of the family loves her, although I think she's a little boring. Pretty, though, in a classic beauty kind of way. But if you saw me say that out loud, it would seem kind of bitchy, because I've heard myself-as-Tori described in similar ways (more like "pretty but weird.")
Ken made the rounds, and let Jana bond with the other women, and found me to try to bring me out of my gloom. He was a great guy for trying but at that point I was feeling really low. He asked me about it and I was evasive.
"It's just... life stuff. I mean, I'm doing okay for now, but I'm not sure where I go from here." It was totally in-character stuff, covering for my real problems with the believable fakes.
Ken admitted that telemarketing really didn't sound like a good long-term plan, but if it wasn't killing me, it was good enough to keep at until I figure out something better. I told him that wasn't very good advice, and he grinned and shrugged, "What do you want to hear from me? I have the worst job, but I'm happy enough that I don't care." He works in banks or something nonspecific like that.
I was puzzled. "If you hate your job so much, why do you consider yourself happy?"
"I'm getting married soon, Vic." Only Ken and Mae call me Vic. I kinda like it (because if you squint your ears it sounds like Cliff.) "I'm in love with an amazing woman, I don't mean to rub it in or anything, but I couldn't care less about job satisfaction right now."
This did not help. On top of everything else, part of the reason I was supposedly miserable is that I'm single? I didn't want to admit it, but even when I was doing IT, which I liked (despite not being passionate about it, I felt needed and was good at it, so I generally liked it) I knew that yeah, loneliness was a problem. But I had just started being happy being my version of Tori. Why'd he have to rub it in? I just gritted my teeth.
"I don't know," he added, "Maybe it's not a relationship. Maybe it is the job. Maybe it's everything."
"Yeah, it's everything." I sighed, forcing a laugh.
"Maybe it's because you live at--" he stopped himself.
There was a pause before I finished the thought "At home? Yeah. That probably doesn't help."
Look, it's not my place to start rearranging Tori's whole life, especially not now, and as much as I've come to like the Pearces, I can't deny that if I had my choice, I'd be out on my own. But again, it's all the "I'm not myself, this is not my life" stress. I just couldn't express any of that.
So we changed the subject.
"So, I was talking to Jana," he said, "And she kind of liked the idea that you and Mae would be her bridesmaids." That was a bit startling. Thinking back, it was maybe a bit rude to just be stone cold about it, like "Yeah, that'll be fun," showing no enthusiasm. I know I'm not planning on being around for it, but at this time I was practically convinced that I was, and it all just... ugh, it's all too much.
Ken seemed disappointed that this didn't cheer me up (it totally would've been Tori's thing) and that really drove home how much of a mood I was in. Ken and Jana were stayign at our place, and that night, we rented Zombieland... they were cuddled on the couch to one side, I was on the other, and I have to admit, seeing them be so close was really a bummer. Ken wasn't totally wrong, but he couldn't know that he was the one I was really jealous of.
It all just comes back to wanting to be a man holding a girl like that.
So I just thought I'd get that off my chest. Sorry to be so self-obsessed at a time when Greg has some real problems, though. I feel kind of useless because I just have no idea how I'd handle a situation like that. I hope you get it sorted out.
The rest of us just have to keep living the way we are.
Sunday, April 04, 2010
Greg/Priya: No, I wasnt joking
Wow, did I get a lot of comments on my last post, for which I'm grateful. Its good to know that people pay attention and give insight into my situation.
Most of the commentators were debating on whether or not it was an April Fool's post, and it most definitely wasn't. Apparently my world came crashing down on a day when people were least likely to believe it happened. I didn't even think about the date at time.
One person who left a comment was all on board with the kidnapping and detailed 3 disturbingly complex and well thought out scenarios.
One idea was to drug my old body and have myself or an accomplice take it to Maine. This wouldn't work because I don't think comatose people can get on airplanes. Also I look nothing like my old body and could never pass off as a relative. The whole being Indian thing is a dead giveaway. And an accomplice would be difficult to get because nobody would believe why I'm taking the body to Maine, thanks to the curse.
Another idea was to hold my old body at gunpoint and take to Maine. This would be next to impossible because I live in the state with probably the toughest gun laws as well as the fact that someone so much bigger than me would probably escape along the way.
His last idea was to arrange for Heather to take a trip to Maine and use it as a way to leverage Dee. I don't know how I would get a total stranger to go on a trip, and I think my former body would be able to talk her out of it.
Two posters had an entirely different idea, which was to take Amber to the inn, have her transform and then explain that it wasn't me that broke us up. (The commentators used the name "Heather" but in context the meant Amber, id imagine its easy to mix the two up since I don't label my posts with keywords). This scenario is right out never gonna happen. What if Amber got turned into a little kid? Or an old person? Or someone stole her body? Take it from me folks, you don't send someone you care about to the Trading Post Inn.
Anyway, the very next day I got a phone call from someone who thought it MUST be an April Fool's hoax. Priya. In all my sorrows I totally forgot that I had her life and staying in it would make me no worse than Dee. And Priyas my friend, and I owe it to her to give her life back. This means Ill be going back to the Inn this summer even if my body doesn't.
The last commenter said a few things that I wanna clear up. They said:
"something here doesn't make sense. If Dee truly was a married, heterosexual woman in her previous life, then it seems extremely odd that she would fall passionately in love with another woman less than a year after landing in Greg's body. According to testimony presented in this blog since its inception by the various inn victims who have experienced a gender change, the body change doesn't automatically produce a corresponding mental change regarding sexual preference. So, for the relationship with Heather to have developed at all, Dee would have to be either a)bisexual or b)lying about "her" previous life. Or c)this truly is an "April Fools" post."
Let me point something out from someone who knows first hand. You take the sexual orientation of the body you have on. I was a heterosexual male and as discussed before, women do absolutely nothing for me now. Not even Amber.
This has been documented as well by all other previous posters. Ashlyn and Liz started being with men eventually, and as far as I know they're still into guys. Todd spent an entire year having sex with a man as his wife. So while the inn doesn't trigger a corresponding mental change, it does trigger a physical attraction that matches the body's previous owner. Once the previous posters got over their qualms about having sex, they had no problem doing it. My theory is that Dee had sex with Amber on her first night in town, thus breaking down any mental barriers pretty quickly. It might have clouded her thinking, causing her to look at all women that way, hence going after Heather.
Although to be honest I have no idea whether or not Dee was lying about her previous life. I havent seen a photo or anything, never bothered to check up on that.
That same poster also had the best idea of them all, which is to try and sabotage Dee and Heathers relationship, causing her to have no motivation to stay in my body and to give it back. If any of you out there have ideas on how to accomplish this, they would be greatly appreciated.
Anyway, since my last post I've had a lot of time to think about my options for the future. I finally wrapped my head around it all today, seeing as I was alone and the city was mostly quiet for Easter. But since Hindus don't celebrate Easter, it was just a Sunday for the Patel family.
As I said before, im going to have to go back to the Inn. But since there's a chain of 3 people or so on each side of me looking to get back into their bodies by staying in the same room as me (Priya included) that means Im probably gonna have to go in and fill in the gap. Which more than likely means that come July i'll turn into Deb. Which I don't plan on as a long term solution but its the only body available as of now. Maybe ill find someone who WANTS to be her and get a new life that way, but as of right now im not looking forward to it.
-Greg (still and always on the inside.
Most of the commentators were debating on whether or not it was an April Fool's post, and it most definitely wasn't. Apparently my world came crashing down on a day when people were least likely to believe it happened. I didn't even think about the date at time.
One person who left a comment was all on board with the kidnapping and detailed 3 disturbingly complex and well thought out scenarios.
One idea was to drug my old body and have myself or an accomplice take it to Maine. This wouldn't work because I don't think comatose people can get on airplanes. Also I look nothing like my old body and could never pass off as a relative. The whole being Indian thing is a dead giveaway. And an accomplice would be difficult to get because nobody would believe why I'm taking the body to Maine, thanks to the curse.
Another idea was to hold my old body at gunpoint and take to Maine. This would be next to impossible because I live in the state with probably the toughest gun laws as well as the fact that someone so much bigger than me would probably escape along the way.
His last idea was to arrange for Heather to take a trip to Maine and use it as a way to leverage Dee. I don't know how I would get a total stranger to go on a trip, and I think my former body would be able to talk her out of it.
Two posters had an entirely different idea, which was to take Amber to the inn, have her transform and then explain that it wasn't me that broke us up. (The commentators used the name "Heather" but in context the meant Amber, id imagine its easy to mix the two up since I don't label my posts with keywords). This scenario is right out never gonna happen. What if Amber got turned into a little kid? Or an old person? Or someone stole her body? Take it from me folks, you don't send someone you care about to the Trading Post Inn.
Anyway, the very next day I got a phone call from someone who thought it MUST be an April Fool's hoax. Priya. In all my sorrows I totally forgot that I had her life and staying in it would make me no worse than Dee. And Priyas my friend, and I owe it to her to give her life back. This means Ill be going back to the Inn this summer even if my body doesn't.
The last commenter said a few things that I wanna clear up. They said:
"something here doesn't make sense. If Dee truly was a married, heterosexual woman in her previous life, then it seems extremely odd that she would fall passionately in love with another woman less than a year after landing in Greg's body. According to testimony presented in this blog since its inception by the various inn victims who have experienced a gender change, the body change doesn't automatically produce a corresponding mental change regarding sexual preference. So, for the relationship with Heather to have developed at all, Dee would have to be either a)bisexual or b)lying about "her" previous life. Or c)this truly is an "April Fools" post."
Let me point something out from someone who knows first hand. You take the sexual orientation of the body you have on. I was a heterosexual male and as discussed before, women do absolutely nothing for me now. Not even Amber.
This has been documented as well by all other previous posters. Ashlyn and Liz started being with men eventually, and as far as I know they're still into guys. Todd spent an entire year having sex with a man as his wife. So while the inn doesn't trigger a corresponding mental change, it does trigger a physical attraction that matches the body's previous owner. Once the previous posters got over their qualms about having sex, they had no problem doing it. My theory is that Dee had sex with Amber on her first night in town, thus breaking down any mental barriers pretty quickly. It might have clouded her thinking, causing her to look at all women that way, hence going after Heather.
Although to be honest I have no idea whether or not Dee was lying about her previous life. I havent seen a photo or anything, never bothered to check up on that.
That same poster also had the best idea of them all, which is to try and sabotage Dee and Heathers relationship, causing her to have no motivation to stay in my body and to give it back. If any of you out there have ideas on how to accomplish this, they would be greatly appreciated.
Anyway, since my last post I've had a lot of time to think about my options for the future. I finally wrapped my head around it all today, seeing as I was alone and the city was mostly quiet for Easter. But since Hindus don't celebrate Easter, it was just a Sunday for the Patel family.
As I said before, im going to have to go back to the Inn. But since there's a chain of 3 people or so on each side of me looking to get back into their bodies by staying in the same room as me (Priya included) that means Im probably gonna have to go in and fill in the gap. Which more than likely means that come July i'll turn into Deb. Which I don't plan on as a long term solution but its the only body available as of now. Maybe ill find someone who WANTS to be her and get a new life that way, but as of right now im not looking forward to it.
-Greg (still and always on the inside.
Friday, November 27, 2009
Alia/Rob: Life is like Super Mario Bros...
You can't go backwards.
That's something stupid Todd used to say, or probably still says, whenever someone makes a mistake or expresses regret about something. Every time he said it it would remind me to make my decisions more carefully, although it's not like Mario had to face a lot of tough decisions (stomp on the Koopa or don't.)
He actually said it to me the night I was transformed into Rob. He was comforting me and I was still in shock trying to come to terms with it, and I was bitching about how I should never have followed "him" to Maine, and he looked right at me and said it "Life is like Super Mario Bros... you can't go backwards." That's how I knew I was talking to my Todd. I still don't know how the impostor had me fooled, but "he" kept to himself a lot anyway... and Todd does have that reclusive side. It should've put up a red flag no matter what but hey, we had more than a slight rough patch.
Which is why I'm taking this thing with Rob's ex-wife quite cautiously. I don't want to screw something up. Even if I get the escape hatch in the summer and get to go back to my estrogen and progesterone, I'm still reckoning with two other peoples' lives; Rob's and Ingrid's... especially Ingrid's, since she has no idea who I really am.
Whatever it is about me, she likes. I can tell she's still physically attracted to Rob. In the course of managing my diet and even without any serious exercise, I've trimmed down a belt notch or two. This seems to be very common with Inn folks. I've also got a woman's eye for grooming; I wasn't ever that image-obsessed but I do know how I like my men. No Mario-stache, for example.
Come to think about it, it's not hard to see why she might be attracted to Alia-Rob. I don't talk to her like an enemy, I barely have the ability to acknowledge "our" past, let alone resent it. I talk to her like an intelligent, respectable individual, and I think she appreciates that. And then I got carried away and struck up a little flirtation, or I encouraged the flirtation she was sending out, maybe because I'm bored or lonely or because I feel bad about her situation. This is the incident I described here.
I'd spent a lot of time since then thinking about her. I've never been looked at, or spoken to, that way, by a woman before. Not even the lesbians I've known have ever been into me. The feeling of being wanted by a woman (and if my intuition serves, she does want me/Rob) is so different from the feeling of being wanted by a man. A man will usually pursue, and a woman wants to be chased (put in extremely generalized terms.) I've chased once or twice, particularly later in relationships once I've already been pursued (cough, Maine, cough) but this is different. This isn't about me wanting a boy to notice me. This is about getting the girl. The idea started to consume me a little bit.
When Greg/Priya wrote "Im surprised I held out longer than Alia, idve thought shed try it within 5 minutes of getting a penis." I was more than a little offended, not just by the lack of apostrophes (I am playing an English teacher after all) but by the notion that while it's okay for a man to be scared and overwhelmed by having female genitalia, that a woman would suddenly go hog wild.
No offense, friend, but why the hell would that be? Haven't I been just as traumatized as you? Shouldn't I be just as uncomfortable and overwhelmed? For a long while, I had no interest in indulging that particular hobby, even when Rob's body clearly wanted me to. The nights Todd stayed over (sorry dear) were very hard, pun intended, but I went past them because I was extremely overwhelmed by what was happening. Then I got so wrapped up in living Rob's life I barely had time to think about stuff like that.
But the sad truth is... I didn't outlast you. Not by my calendar. Back in October, I discovered some nudie pics on Rob's computer, pics of his ex-wife. Maybe he still carries a torch over her, maybe he hadn't gotten around to deleting them, maybe they're just good spank material. Personally, I found them arresting, and come to think of it, that may be the reason I find myself so infatuated by her.
So I did it. I didn't want to write about it at the time because it was embarrassing but now that Greg's come out with it, I might as well own up. What can I say... I found the process of getting there... more of a destination for a man than a journey. It happened just as I'd expect, but I was not prepared for how good it felt... for just an instant. And then it didn't feel so great and I thought I would never want to do it again, and I went down and felt sleepy.
But I did do it again, as time went by and I thought more about the good part than the aftermath, each time looking forward to that moment of glory followed by the leveling off as blood returns to the rest of me. Comparing the two is really... no easy feat. There's something imminently practical about doing this as a man, with a concrete beginning middle and end, and I actually kind of like that. I never really liked doing it to my own body, so the experience I am comparing it to is the more total sexual experience (what can I say? I don't do anything halfway.) Can't say a man's is worse, but definitely can't say it's better than a woman's at its best... the debate remains open I guess.
The opportunity arose, over the Thanksgiving holiday, to see Ingrid again. Rob's family is all in the Southwest and Ingrid told me that while it would be highly inappropriate to invite me over, she was thinking of me, and why not get a drink Thursday night?
So that's exactly what we did. I don't know what my objective was but I'd be lying if the notion of embracing the male perspective and seducing her hadn't popped into my mind. The night was going well, much like our earlier meeting, I was able to joke around with her and not seem too unlike Rob (probably due to Inn magic.) It got to the point where if I'd wanted her, I probably could have had her.
And then Mario popped back into my head at the end of the night. We were sitting in my car, saying "Yeah, I had a good time too" and all that, and the moment of truth came and I realized "If I do this, here and now... that's it. I've committed to something. I can't undo this." It's a thought I'd had all too often as a woman, and perhaps should have listened to more. She fumbled in asking me whether I might like to come in for a cup of coffee, and I told her no, it was late, I think I'll just go to bed. I gave her an awkward driver's seat hug and said I'd see her again. She got out and walked up to her building and I could sense her teeth and fists were clenched.
As I thought about it on the way home I thought back on it. Women really don't like putting themselves out there and being turned down. She is going to have, at best, a mixed view of this evening. There is a chance she'll never give me another chance again. That would work for me and allow me to continue living my life without interference from potential romantic partners... with the uncomfortable side effect that she's not too pleased with my teasing. May even have had a negative effect on her self-esteem, which I would feel guilty about, if so.
Then I realized... there's a chance this whole incident has just made her want more. If she really did like what she saw, then she probably isn't going to take the soft rejection as the end of it.
I don't know which is the case, and I don't know what to do about either.
Hey, just because I am actually a woman doesn't mean I understand them. We're complicated.
-Alia/Rob
That's something stupid Todd used to say, or probably still says, whenever someone makes a mistake or expresses regret about something. Every time he said it it would remind me to make my decisions more carefully, although it's not like Mario had to face a lot of tough decisions (stomp on the Koopa or don't.)
He actually said it to me the night I was transformed into Rob. He was comforting me and I was still in shock trying to come to terms with it, and I was bitching about how I should never have followed "him" to Maine, and he looked right at me and said it "Life is like Super Mario Bros... you can't go backwards." That's how I knew I was talking to my Todd. I still don't know how the impostor had me fooled, but "he" kept to himself a lot anyway... and Todd does have that reclusive side. It should've put up a red flag no matter what but hey, we had more than a slight rough patch.
Which is why I'm taking this thing with Rob's ex-wife quite cautiously. I don't want to screw something up. Even if I get the escape hatch in the summer and get to go back to my estrogen and progesterone, I'm still reckoning with two other peoples' lives; Rob's and Ingrid's... especially Ingrid's, since she has no idea who I really am.
Whatever it is about me, she likes. I can tell she's still physically attracted to Rob. In the course of managing my diet and even without any serious exercise, I've trimmed down a belt notch or two. This seems to be very common with Inn folks. I've also got a woman's eye for grooming; I wasn't ever that image-obsessed but I do know how I like my men. No Mario-stache, for example.
Come to think about it, it's not hard to see why she might be attracted to Alia-Rob. I don't talk to her like an enemy, I barely have the ability to acknowledge "our" past, let alone resent it. I talk to her like an intelligent, respectable individual, and I think she appreciates that. And then I got carried away and struck up a little flirtation, or I encouraged the flirtation she was sending out, maybe because I'm bored or lonely or because I feel bad about her situation. This is the incident I described here.
I'd spent a lot of time since then thinking about her. I've never been looked at, or spoken to, that way, by a woman before. Not even the lesbians I've known have ever been into me. The feeling of being wanted by a woman (and if my intuition serves, she does want me/Rob) is so different from the feeling of being wanted by a man. A man will usually pursue, and a woman wants to be chased (put in extremely generalized terms.) I've chased once or twice, particularly later in relationships once I've already been pursued (cough, Maine, cough) but this is different. This isn't about me wanting a boy to notice me. This is about getting the girl. The idea started to consume me a little bit.
When Greg/Priya wrote "Im surprised I held out longer than Alia, idve thought shed try it within 5 minutes of getting a penis." I was more than a little offended, not just by the lack of apostrophes (I am playing an English teacher after all) but by the notion that while it's okay for a man to be scared and overwhelmed by having female genitalia, that a woman would suddenly go hog wild.
No offense, friend, but why the hell would that be? Haven't I been just as traumatized as you? Shouldn't I be just as uncomfortable and overwhelmed? For a long while, I had no interest in indulging that particular hobby, even when Rob's body clearly wanted me to. The nights Todd stayed over (sorry dear) were very hard, pun intended, but I went past them because I was extremely overwhelmed by what was happening. Then I got so wrapped up in living Rob's life I barely had time to think about stuff like that.
But the sad truth is... I didn't outlast you. Not by my calendar. Back in October, I discovered some nudie pics on Rob's computer, pics of his ex-wife. Maybe he still carries a torch over her, maybe he hadn't gotten around to deleting them, maybe they're just good spank material. Personally, I found them arresting, and come to think of it, that may be the reason I find myself so infatuated by her.
So I did it. I didn't want to write about it at the time because it was embarrassing but now that Greg's come out with it, I might as well own up. What can I say... I found the process of getting there... more of a destination for a man than a journey. It happened just as I'd expect, but I was not prepared for how good it felt... for just an instant. And then it didn't feel so great and I thought I would never want to do it again, and I went down and felt sleepy.
But I did do it again, as time went by and I thought more about the good part than the aftermath, each time looking forward to that moment of glory followed by the leveling off as blood returns to the rest of me. Comparing the two is really... no easy feat. There's something imminently practical about doing this as a man, with a concrete beginning middle and end, and I actually kind of like that. I never really liked doing it to my own body, so the experience I am comparing it to is the more total sexual experience (what can I say? I don't do anything halfway.) Can't say a man's is worse, but definitely can't say it's better than a woman's at its best... the debate remains open I guess.
The opportunity arose, over the Thanksgiving holiday, to see Ingrid again. Rob's family is all in the Southwest and Ingrid told me that while it would be highly inappropriate to invite me over, she was thinking of me, and why not get a drink Thursday night?
So that's exactly what we did. I don't know what my objective was but I'd be lying if the notion of embracing the male perspective and seducing her hadn't popped into my mind. The night was going well, much like our earlier meeting, I was able to joke around with her and not seem too unlike Rob (probably due to Inn magic.) It got to the point where if I'd wanted her, I probably could have had her.
And then Mario popped back into my head at the end of the night. We were sitting in my car, saying "Yeah, I had a good time too" and all that, and the moment of truth came and I realized "If I do this, here and now... that's it. I've committed to something. I can't undo this." It's a thought I'd had all too often as a woman, and perhaps should have listened to more. She fumbled in asking me whether I might like to come in for a cup of coffee, and I told her no, it was late, I think I'll just go to bed. I gave her an awkward driver's seat hug and said I'd see her again. She got out and walked up to her building and I could sense her teeth and fists were clenched.
As I thought about it on the way home I thought back on it. Women really don't like putting themselves out there and being turned down. She is going to have, at best, a mixed view of this evening. There is a chance she'll never give me another chance again. That would work for me and allow me to continue living my life without interference from potential romantic partners... with the uncomfortable side effect that she's not too pleased with my teasing. May even have had a negative effect on her self-esteem, which I would feel guilty about, if so.
Then I realized... there's a chance this whole incident has just made her want more. If she really did like what she saw, then she probably isn't going to take the soft rejection as the end of it.
I don't know which is the case, and I don't know what to do about either.
Hey, just because I am actually a woman doesn't mean I understand them. We're complicated.
-Alia/Rob
Thursday, November 05, 2009
Greg/Priya: Slutty Halloween and Priya Dreams
So its been something ridiculous like over a month since I last posted to this blog, hopefully nobody got TOO worried about me. The thing is, I havent really had much to worry about. Im apparently a good teacher, since I got thru my first round of parent teacher conferences without any of the parents thinking that I was really some guy pretending to be a Kindergarten teacher. Although parent teacher conferences for Kindergarten are kinda weird, since I had to use all sorts of eduational terminology because im basically evaluating these kids' learning abilities at a young age. Yeesh, when I type it like that it makes it sound a lot more serious than i take it.
Anyway, Im a good teacher and Ive adapted to the life of one a such. Ive also been a lot more social than I was originally, altho when you consider I was a total hermitress thats not saying much. Ive actually been spending a lot of time with Phil and Mike on the weekends. Just hanging ot and watching football with them.
To clear up a question that was posted on the comments section of my last post: Phil and Mike are not gay. I called Priya and asked what the situation was and she told me that Phil was enganged and Mike and her were just friends and both were definitly on her DNF list, (which she typed up and emailed to me just in case).
Ive also been doing social things with Amber. Not just social obligation stuff, but like really truly interested in doing best friend stuff. The other day I went to Target with her to help her return a shirt. Its not something that I had to do with her but I miss her so much that any chance I can get to be around her I take, even it is just coffee and girl talk.
Of course this leads me to last week and what was probably considered a social obligation. It was halloween and as any red blooded american knows any woman between the ages of 18-35 uses this night as an excuse to dress slutty. I had thought that I, being an example for young children, would not have to dress in such a way because it wouldnt be allowed. I was wrong. Halloween was on a Saturday and I was in for a party with a whole bunch of mine and Ambers friends. (we did have a halloween celebration at the school on Friday. I wore cat ears)
So on Saturday morning, just as I got back from my bike ride and getting ready to watch football, I get a text from Amber saying she had the costumes asking what time I was going over there to get ready for the party. This perplexed me because I have been Priya Patel for almost 4 months now, and I never once bought a halloween costume. Apparently she and Amber had planeed this MONTHS ago (which is apparently something girls do for halloween)
So when I arrived at my old place, the love of my life answered the door dressed like a playboy bunny. Not like nude model, but like a waitress from the old playboy clubs that were open in the 60s. It consisted fo someting that looked like a black one piece swimsuit (with a tail on the butt), fishnet stockings, high heels, and bunny ears. I dont know which was worse, the fact that I had no physical reaction this sight, or that there was a matching outfit inside in my size. And when I say in my size, I mean Priyas size when they bought, and even though my biking and miller lite drinking have resulted in weight loss (4 pounds, yay me), it was a tight squeeze. I didnt look gross or anything, but I definitly filled it out and you could see all my curves. (again, no pics)
So after intensive hair and makeup prepping we were ready to head out. Dee had come home by then and got into her "costume". Apparently Dee was a 1960s ad executive, from some show called Mad Men which I had never seen but it was apparently Dee's favorite show. HER costume consisted of a suit, a hat, some cigarettes (which she didnt light), and a glass of brown liquor. I could not see any of her curves :-/
The party was at our friend Jake's house. Jake is a friend of mine from college and he is good friends with me and Amber, as were most of the people at the party. Most of the non familial guest list to our wedding was in attendance.
This made things difficult for me, becuase while i knew everyone there, not all of them there knew me, at least not in my current form. Some of them knew Priya and some of them didnt. The trouble came about when I said hi to my friend Jerry and he had no idea who I was. I was able to make up a story about overhearing Greg say hi to him. What i couldnt explain away was why I started talking to him. For most guys when a pretty girl talks to him at a party, he automatically things this girl is interested in him and begins to be interested himself. This caused Jerry to flirt with me ALL NIGHT. Now, Jerry is a nice guy and my friend, but Im still not really very comfortable being flirted with yet. Fortuneatly he didnt ask for my number at the end of the night and i stayed pretty sober so as not to do anything stupid. All in all it wasnt bad except for having people I know check me out all night when they thought I wasnt looking.
But that experience wasnt what prompted me to blog. That occured last thursday night when I had the strangest dream. In my dream I was drivng for a very long time until I got to Memphis where I met Amber for ribs. The premise wasnt the strangest thing about it though, the strangest part was after I woke up the next day and realized that during my dream I was Priya. Not Greg.
I dont know much about physiology or psychology but all I know is that when I first started looking like Priya, my brain was still very much Greg and my dreams reflected that. Now, there all Priya. And since you dont remember all your dreams its impossible for me to pinpoint when exactly this started. Has my brain subconsciously adjusted to the fact that I know look like this and now uses this form as my self image? What about all the other posters, past and present, Do/Did you dream in your new body or your original one?
Leave comments or mention in your next entry please.
-Greg (Still)
Anyway, Im a good teacher and Ive adapted to the life of one a such. Ive also been a lot more social than I was originally, altho when you consider I was a total hermitress thats not saying much. Ive actually been spending a lot of time with Phil and Mike on the weekends. Just hanging ot and watching football with them.
To clear up a question that was posted on the comments section of my last post: Phil and Mike are not gay. I called Priya and asked what the situation was and she told me that Phil was enganged and Mike and her were just friends and both were definitly on her DNF list, (which she typed up and emailed to me just in case).
Ive also been doing social things with Amber. Not just social obligation stuff, but like really truly interested in doing best friend stuff. The other day I went to Target with her to help her return a shirt. Its not something that I had to do with her but I miss her so much that any chance I can get to be around her I take, even it is just coffee and girl talk.
Of course this leads me to last week and what was probably considered a social obligation. It was halloween and as any red blooded american knows any woman between the ages of 18-35 uses this night as an excuse to dress slutty. I had thought that I, being an example for young children, would not have to dress in such a way because it wouldnt be allowed. I was wrong. Halloween was on a Saturday and I was in for a party with a whole bunch of mine and Ambers friends. (we did have a halloween celebration at the school on Friday. I wore cat ears)
So on Saturday morning, just as I got back from my bike ride and getting ready to watch football, I get a text from Amber saying she had the costumes asking what time I was going over there to get ready for the party. This perplexed me because I have been Priya Patel for almost 4 months now, and I never once bought a halloween costume. Apparently she and Amber had planeed this MONTHS ago (which is apparently something girls do for halloween)
So when I arrived at my old place, the love of my life answered the door dressed like a playboy bunny. Not like nude model, but like a waitress from the old playboy clubs that were open in the 60s. It consisted fo someting that looked like a black one piece swimsuit (with a tail on the butt), fishnet stockings, high heels, and bunny ears. I dont know which was worse, the fact that I had no physical reaction this sight, or that there was a matching outfit inside in my size. And when I say in my size, I mean Priyas size when they bought, and even though my biking and miller lite drinking have resulted in weight loss (4 pounds, yay me), it was a tight squeeze. I didnt look gross or anything, but I definitly filled it out and you could see all my curves. (again, no pics)
So after intensive hair and makeup prepping we were ready to head out. Dee had come home by then and got into her "costume". Apparently Dee was a 1960s ad executive, from some show called Mad Men which I had never seen but it was apparently Dee's favorite show. HER costume consisted of a suit, a hat, some cigarettes (which she didnt light), and a glass of brown liquor. I could not see any of her curves :-/
The party was at our friend Jake's house. Jake is a friend of mine from college and he is good friends with me and Amber, as were most of the people at the party. Most of the non familial guest list to our wedding was in attendance.
This made things difficult for me, becuase while i knew everyone there, not all of them there knew me, at least not in my current form. Some of them knew Priya and some of them didnt. The trouble came about when I said hi to my friend Jerry and he had no idea who I was. I was able to make up a story about overhearing Greg say hi to him. What i couldnt explain away was why I started talking to him. For most guys when a pretty girl talks to him at a party, he automatically things this girl is interested in him and begins to be interested himself. This caused Jerry to flirt with me ALL NIGHT. Now, Jerry is a nice guy and my friend, but Im still not really very comfortable being flirted with yet. Fortuneatly he didnt ask for my number at the end of the night and i stayed pretty sober so as not to do anything stupid. All in all it wasnt bad except for having people I know check me out all night when they thought I wasnt looking.
But that experience wasnt what prompted me to blog. That occured last thursday night when I had the strangest dream. In my dream I was drivng for a very long time until I got to Memphis where I met Amber for ribs. The premise wasnt the strangest thing about it though, the strangest part was after I woke up the next day and realized that during my dream I was Priya. Not Greg.
I dont know much about physiology or psychology but all I know is that when I first started looking like Priya, my brain was still very much Greg and my dreams reflected that. Now, there all Priya. And since you dont remember all your dreams its impossible for me to pinpoint when exactly this started. Has my brain subconsciously adjusted to the fact that I know look like this and now uses this form as my self image? What about all the other posters, past and present, Do/Did you dream in your new body or your original one?
Leave comments or mention in your next entry please.
-Greg (Still)
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Cliff/Tori: You take the bad with the good
It figures that after spending a day earlier this week thinking about writing a post talking about the ways it's not so bad being Tori, I get sidetracked with a really bad bout of menstrual cramps and a headache that makes me hardly want to do anything but lay around when I'm at home.
Mae and I appear to be on the same cycle as we were both moping around the house this week. I would've thought periods would only aggravate her tendency to snipe at me, they actually have the opposite effect. It's like we've got an understanding that neither of us has the energy to hassle the other. Plus, with her in school all day and me at work several evenings a week, we hardly see one another, which means she's ultimately more pleasant when we do see each other. I can't think of a rude thing she's said to me in weeks.
It's so weird to have inherited this sibling rivalry of sorts. My older brother Bret was not my biggest fan, and I wasn't his, but I don't actually remember much hostility. I tried to hide whatever resentment I felt for him, since our parents, mom in particular, usually seemed to favor him.
Anyway. The cramps sidetracked my desire to write, and especially my desire to write about how much easier it is to deal with being Tori lately. But things are feeling a bit better now so I'll let you in on a bit of a secret. Cramps aside...
Being Tori isn't the worst thing in the world.
I have a stupid job that is not challenging at all and that I am way overqualified for, sure... but it keeps me busy, stops me from worrying too much about life, and makes me money and I don't have to pay rent to live with Mr. and Mrs. Pearce. They're nice people and I really don't mind spending time with them. I was watching Dancing with the Stars with Tori's mom while her dad sat back and read the paper. "Mom" got really worked up at some of the judges' comments, at which point "Dad" nonchalantly reminded her that nobody on TV could hear her. Then he put down the paper and gave this weird, funny smirk that made us all burst into laughter for a moment. I find nice moments like that offset the mind-bending horror of being transformed oddly well.
Then there are the other bonuses.
Admit it, guys. If you were stuck in the body of a woman, you'd relish any opportunity to not have clothes on. For the first few weeks I was Tori, I tried to be as polite about it as possible, like it was impolite to stare, and somehow I risked being admonished by the girl in the mirror. It wasn't too long before I was playing little scenarios out with the mirror in my room, where I was me again, and Tori was a girl I met at a bar.
Yeah. Then that got weird, although I just laughed it off when I realized what I was doing was a version of preparing myself for inevitable situations I am actually going to have to live through from Tori's side. Still, mirror-time is fun-time.
Now, how do I say this without coming off totally girly... I don't really mind having boobs so much, but that's not to say I love them. A lot of the time I don't even think about them being down there, and then when I look down it's like "oh, hello. How could I forget?" The entire feeling of being a girl has gotten so normal to me that I barely notice until I get home at night and unclasp my bra. There's such a difference, and one of the problems is that my shoulders get a little sore holding these things up all day, and then when I set them free, there's a different sort of discomfort. And yet I don't mind them. I can't explain it. They're just... part of Tori's body. Part of the deal.
But I do occasionally find male co-workers, and strangers on the street casting glances their way. I have yet to decide what I think about that... I can't say I blame them.
While I'm on the subject of stuff I can complain about, my typing has slowed down noticeably since bieng Tori, not surprisingly. I used to be up at about 75 words per minute and right now, with Tori's shorter fingers I'm down somewhere around the high 50's, pacing myself so as to prevent excessive typos. I remember having to proofread and edit my early posts excessively because I was so clumsy. I'm getting better though.
Plus, since I spend all day on the phone, I'm starting to tire of hearing Tori's voice. When I stop and try to listen to myself talk I get distracted by how high and nasal my voice is. I imagine it's probably quite a pretty voice, but it still sounds wrong and I didn't expect it to hit me after this long. I want to sound more masculine than my body is capable of providing, not to mention how sad it sounds when I try to deepen my voice.
I've also been having hair problems. For starters, long hair is super-inconvenient to wash and dry, but as I generally get up several hours before going to work, this isn't much of a problem for me. The problem comes in when Tori's hair behaves in unexpected ways, like getting frizzy in certain weather. Is there a conditioner or something I should be using?
Greg mentioned putting on some weight in his new body. That hasn't exactly been the case for me, as the first time I tried induling my male apetite, I got stuffed really easily and got nauseous. That's not to say this body is in as good of shape as when I got it, but knowing my limits has been part of this whole ordeal. Believe me, I'm getting sick of salads and chicken breasts, but I just couldn't handle a thick juicy steak right now, as much as I'd love one. Also, because the Pearces don't keep much snackfood around the house I've mainly eaten fruit when hungry between meals. It's like I accidentally started dieting!
My main problem seems to be what to do with my free time. I could use a hobby of some kind; Tori's hobby seems to be serial dating, which is not my idea of a good time. I read when I can, but for some reason, if I read too long I'm prone to headaches. I used to be able to read all day, when I was younger; I have no idea how this might be related to the change, but it's unnerving.
So I've made myself a little project. I've realized that no matter what I do, I'm stuck with the body of a girl, and everything around me belongs to a girl, and denying that wasn't getting me anywhere. So I made a bit of a list of things I had been putting off, things I could try as Tori that wouldn't hurt my self-image as Cliff too much.
Before you people start getting any big ideas, however, I should warn you it's not all that exciting of a list. The first item is that tomorrow I'm going to wear heels. The idea is to push things along... but slowly, and not do anything I have reason to be uncomfortable with. You know what I mean.
Mae and I appear to be on the same cycle as we were both moping around the house this week. I would've thought periods would only aggravate her tendency to snipe at me, they actually have the opposite effect. It's like we've got an understanding that neither of us has the energy to hassle the other. Plus, with her in school all day and me at work several evenings a week, we hardly see one another, which means she's ultimately more pleasant when we do see each other. I can't think of a rude thing she's said to me in weeks.
It's so weird to have inherited this sibling rivalry of sorts. My older brother Bret was not my biggest fan, and I wasn't his, but I don't actually remember much hostility. I tried to hide whatever resentment I felt for him, since our parents, mom in particular, usually seemed to favor him.
Anyway. The cramps sidetracked my desire to write, and especially my desire to write about how much easier it is to deal with being Tori lately. But things are feeling a bit better now so I'll let you in on a bit of a secret. Cramps aside...
Being Tori isn't the worst thing in the world.
I have a stupid job that is not challenging at all and that I am way overqualified for, sure... but it keeps me busy, stops me from worrying too much about life, and makes me money and I don't have to pay rent to live with Mr. and Mrs. Pearce. They're nice people and I really don't mind spending time with them. I was watching Dancing with the Stars with Tori's mom while her dad sat back and read the paper. "Mom" got really worked up at some of the judges' comments, at which point "Dad" nonchalantly reminded her that nobody on TV could hear her. Then he put down the paper and gave this weird, funny smirk that made us all burst into laughter for a moment. I find nice moments like that offset the mind-bending horror of being transformed oddly well.
Then there are the other bonuses.
Admit it, guys. If you were stuck in the body of a woman, you'd relish any opportunity to not have clothes on. For the first few weeks I was Tori, I tried to be as polite about it as possible, like it was impolite to stare, and somehow I risked being admonished by the girl in the mirror. It wasn't too long before I was playing little scenarios out with the mirror in my room, where I was me again, and Tori was a girl I met at a bar.
Yeah. Then that got weird, although I just laughed it off when I realized what I was doing was a version of preparing myself for inevitable situations I am actually going to have to live through from Tori's side. Still, mirror-time is fun-time.
Now, how do I say this without coming off totally girly... I don't really mind having boobs so much, but that's not to say I love them. A lot of the time I don't even think about them being down there, and then when I look down it's like "oh, hello. How could I forget?" The entire feeling of being a girl has gotten so normal to me that I barely notice until I get home at night and unclasp my bra. There's such a difference, and one of the problems is that my shoulders get a little sore holding these things up all day, and then when I set them free, there's a different sort of discomfort. And yet I don't mind them. I can't explain it. They're just... part of Tori's body. Part of the deal.
But I do occasionally find male co-workers, and strangers on the street casting glances their way. I have yet to decide what I think about that... I can't say I blame them.
While I'm on the subject of stuff I can complain about, my typing has slowed down noticeably since bieng Tori, not surprisingly. I used to be up at about 75 words per minute and right now, with Tori's shorter fingers I'm down somewhere around the high 50's, pacing myself so as to prevent excessive typos. I remember having to proofread and edit my early posts excessively because I was so clumsy. I'm getting better though.
Plus, since I spend all day on the phone, I'm starting to tire of hearing Tori's voice. When I stop and try to listen to myself talk I get distracted by how high and nasal my voice is. I imagine it's probably quite a pretty voice, but it still sounds wrong and I didn't expect it to hit me after this long. I want to sound more masculine than my body is capable of providing, not to mention how sad it sounds when I try to deepen my voice.
I've also been having hair problems. For starters, long hair is super-inconvenient to wash and dry, but as I generally get up several hours before going to work, this isn't much of a problem for me. The problem comes in when Tori's hair behaves in unexpected ways, like getting frizzy in certain weather. Is there a conditioner or something I should be using?
Greg mentioned putting on some weight in his new body. That hasn't exactly been the case for me, as the first time I tried induling my male apetite, I got stuffed really easily and got nauseous. That's not to say this body is in as good of shape as when I got it, but knowing my limits has been part of this whole ordeal. Believe me, I'm getting sick of salads and chicken breasts, but I just couldn't handle a thick juicy steak right now, as much as I'd love one. Also, because the Pearces don't keep much snackfood around the house I've mainly eaten fruit when hungry between meals. It's like I accidentally started dieting!
My main problem seems to be what to do with my free time. I could use a hobby of some kind; Tori's hobby seems to be serial dating, which is not my idea of a good time. I read when I can, but for some reason, if I read too long I'm prone to headaches. I used to be able to read all day, when I was younger; I have no idea how this might be related to the change, but it's unnerving.
So I've made myself a little project. I've realized that no matter what I do, I'm stuck with the body of a girl, and everything around me belongs to a girl, and denying that wasn't getting me anywhere. So I made a bit of a list of things I had been putting off, things I could try as Tori that wouldn't hurt my self-image as Cliff too much.
Before you people start getting any big ideas, however, I should warn you it's not all that exciting of a list. The first item is that tomorrow I'm going to wear heels. The idea is to push things along... but slowly, and not do anything I have reason to be uncomfortable with. You know what I mean.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Greg/Priya: Talking to myself
So maybe last week I made a big deal about how much weight ive gained, and thats mostly a result of the real Priya making a big deal about it, but when you think about it, 12 pounds in 8 months is less than 2 pounds a month, so really all I have to do is stop eating like a guy, stop drinking beer (or switch to light beer), and find a regular form of mild exercise. But since my little trip to the gym I was still annoyed at being checked out, still not turned on by girls in the locker room, and still in need of a new way to exercise.
As Greg I didnt formally work out, I just rode my bike 3 days a week in the Park. I saw no reason as to why I couldnt do this as Priya and Sunday afternoon I put on a pair of dance pants and a tshirt and decided to go biking. The only problem...no bike.
I called the real Priya in New Jersey and confirmed that not only did she have a bike, but Ive seen it before. Its in my apartment. That is, my REAL apartment. Greg and Amber's apartment. Apparently Priya lent it to Amber a LONG time ago because Amber was gonna take up riding. It turns out she never did and the bike just stayed in the closet all the time. Its something I saw every day and just never really noticed or cared about.
Amber laughed at the absurdity of the situation when I called her and told her I needed it, and told me to come over and get it anytime. So I took the L over to my old place and knocked on the door.
Dee answered, and was apparently home alone since Amber was at work when I called her.
"Its you" she said "Come on in"
Its was even weirder being around Dee alone, because when we were out with friends or something, It was like I was in a play and I was playing the part of Priya. With no one else around, I was free to be Greg. She knew who I was, and I was the original owner of her current life.
The first thing I noticed was that the apartment was spotless. Cleaner than I had ever seen it since Amber and I were both messy people. When I commented on this she rolled her eyes and says "I dont know how you stand living with such a slob".
We talked about work and stuff. Apparently they had had dinner at my parents' house recently and she had no time to prepare but managed to bluff her way through it. She was also weirded out to call people that young "mom and dad". (young to her,considering her real parents are probably a lot older).
She had survived and inspection from corporate at work. There were a few items that werent up to speed but they werent damning and easily rectified so that nobody got in trouble. Apparently Dee is developing a knack for hospitality management with a lot of help from my assistant, Heather.
Its weird talking to your old body because you keep thinking your looking in the mirror and when the words and actions dont sync up your brain short circuits and you have to keep reminding yourself of the situation.
After catching up with my old life, I took the bike and left my real home for my perceived home. I had originally planned on riding the bike home, but realized that I had no helmet and Priyas was at her apartment and I wasnt about to risk ending up like Darren and getting in an accident in someone elses body.
So I took the bike on the train, even though its annoying to all the other passengers and I didnt want to be "that guy" (altho I guess there isnt any situation now in which i could truly be "that guy").
After I got the bike home there was enough daylight for me to go for a quick ride, that is until I realized that 5+years in your best friends closet isnt exactly the best bicycle maintenance, so I had to give it a quick tune up, and Priya didnt have ANY tools. Seriously, No tools. Youd think a single woman living by herself in a big city in the 21st century would and some point have the need to fix something and would require some tools. Alas, this was not the case and I went up and down the floor knocking on neighbors doors.
The guys across the hall answered and said that I could borrow their bike tuning kits (they were both avid cyclists) and that I could come on in. While the one was in the other room the other one started making small talk and asking how I was and all that when I realized that I should know these guys. And I didnt. Fortunately, I am now an expert at bluffing my way through life and was able to discern their names when the one in the other room called out to "Phil" and when i read "Mike's" name on the tool box he handed me. They asked if I needed any help and looked unconvinced that I could work on my bike myself, but left me to my devices anyway.
These guys must be pretty friendly with Priya, as they didnt come off in a "I want to get into your pants" kinda way that a lot of guys who dont know me do. They were more like friendly "lets have a beer" kinda dudes. Which is exactly what I did when I got back from my ride. We watched the Bears game and drank beer. I had Miller Light. Just 64 calories.
I like these guys. I think ill look them up when I get my life back.
Ill keep ya posted
-Greg
As Greg I didnt formally work out, I just rode my bike 3 days a week in the Park. I saw no reason as to why I couldnt do this as Priya and Sunday afternoon I put on a pair of dance pants and a tshirt and decided to go biking. The only problem...no bike.
I called the real Priya in New Jersey and confirmed that not only did she have a bike, but Ive seen it before. Its in my apartment. That is, my REAL apartment. Greg and Amber's apartment. Apparently Priya lent it to Amber a LONG time ago because Amber was gonna take up riding. It turns out she never did and the bike just stayed in the closet all the time. Its something I saw every day and just never really noticed or cared about.
Amber laughed at the absurdity of the situation when I called her and told her I needed it, and told me to come over and get it anytime. So I took the L over to my old place and knocked on the door.
Dee answered, and was apparently home alone since Amber was at work when I called her.
"Its you" she said "Come on in"
Its was even weirder being around Dee alone, because when we were out with friends or something, It was like I was in a play and I was playing the part of Priya. With no one else around, I was free to be Greg. She knew who I was, and I was the original owner of her current life.
The first thing I noticed was that the apartment was spotless. Cleaner than I had ever seen it since Amber and I were both messy people. When I commented on this she rolled her eyes and says "I dont know how you stand living with such a slob".
We talked about work and stuff. Apparently they had had dinner at my parents' house recently and she had no time to prepare but managed to bluff her way through it. She was also weirded out to call people that young "mom and dad". (young to her,considering her real parents are probably a lot older).
She had survived and inspection from corporate at work. There were a few items that werent up to speed but they werent damning and easily rectified so that nobody got in trouble. Apparently Dee is developing a knack for hospitality management with a lot of help from my assistant, Heather.
Its weird talking to your old body because you keep thinking your looking in the mirror and when the words and actions dont sync up your brain short circuits and you have to keep reminding yourself of the situation.
After catching up with my old life, I took the bike and left my real home for my perceived home. I had originally planned on riding the bike home, but realized that I had no helmet and Priyas was at her apartment and I wasnt about to risk ending up like Darren and getting in an accident in someone elses body.
So I took the bike on the train, even though its annoying to all the other passengers and I didnt want to be "that guy" (altho I guess there isnt any situation now in which i could truly be "that guy").
After I got the bike home there was enough daylight for me to go for a quick ride, that is until I realized that 5+years in your best friends closet isnt exactly the best bicycle maintenance, so I had to give it a quick tune up, and Priya didnt have ANY tools. Seriously, No tools. Youd think a single woman living by herself in a big city in the 21st century would and some point have the need to fix something and would require some tools. Alas, this was not the case and I went up and down the floor knocking on neighbors doors.
The guys across the hall answered and said that I could borrow their bike tuning kits (they were both avid cyclists) and that I could come on in. While the one was in the other room the other one started making small talk and asking how I was and all that when I realized that I should know these guys. And I didnt. Fortunately, I am now an expert at bluffing my way through life and was able to discern their names when the one in the other room called out to "Phil" and when i read "Mike's" name on the tool box he handed me. They asked if I needed any help and looked unconvinced that I could work on my bike myself, but left me to my devices anyway.
These guys must be pretty friendly with Priya, as they didnt come off in a "I want to get into your pants" kinda way that a lot of guys who dont know me do. They were more like friendly "lets have a beer" kinda dudes. Which is exactly what I did when I got back from my ride. We watched the Bears game and drank beer. I had Miller Light. Just 64 calories.
I like these guys. I think ill look them up when I get my life back.
Ill keep ya posted
-Greg
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