Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Kat - Rainy-Day Melancholy

It's been raining for the past few days, making the fields too wet to work. Since nobody was working in the field today, the afternoon found me home alone as Mom & Dad went to visit friends of theirs and Frank disappeared to do his own thing.

This last week has been a bit tough on me, and I know there were times when I'm sure I was on auto-pilot... just going through the motions. I guess I'm still trying to figure out who I am now.

I fixed myself a cup of hot-chocolate to soothe my mind and I got to thinking. The old Kat used to like coffee, I never have - I wondered if I would enjoy a cup now that I am Kat. I guess I'm still me to some extent, which is somewhat comforting, as this Kat will pass on the coffee.

So far, it seems that I continue to enjoy the things I've always enjoyed in the past - The same movies; trucks, tractors, and such; spinning my tires and slinging mud; great food... meat and potatoes... and deserts... I guess there are two exceptions to that... I'm not sure if I still enjoy sex, though I'm a little scared that I probably do... and girls.

I still admire an "attractive" woman for her beauty, but I find that there's less of a physical desire to be with her, to touch her, to caress her and excite her passion and lust. I see her and I feel an ethereal pleasure in her beauty, her soft silky smooth skin, the gentle curves and graceful motions that she displays... I look upon women more as if they were a piece of fine art.

Now guys, on the other hand... Well, I still find the idea of having sex with guys a bit unnerving. I can't, however, deny that some of them seem to invoke in me a similar reaction to those I once felt in the presence of an attractive girl. Then there's that eternally-curious part of me that wonders what it'd be like... of course, that's immediately tempered by the fact that I'll almost certainly be finding out soon enough.

I'll deal with that later, when the time comes. In the mean-time, I need to find a style I can live with, I'm sure I won't be on the farm the rest of my life... at least, I kinda' hope not. Then there's that whole "what should I do with my life?" question. That's the toughest question for me to answer right now... so many possibilities...

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