Thursday, October 11, 2007

Kat - Big step, long day, and "Who am I?"

Today was a long day. I got to drive the soybeans to the elevator... mostly a boring job, lots of sitting and waiting when you're getting loaded and unloaded. Actual road-time does take some concentration though - keeping an eye open for traffic behind you wanting to pass, making sure that you don't turn left into a passing vehicle, controlling a slow 80,000 pound vehicle on hilly and uneven terrain without destroying it or killing someone.

Normally, this wouldn't have been a big thing - I mean I'm used to this stuff come harvest time. I used to come home and help dad when I could. But since my problem with falling asleep, I've been scared (and prohibited) to drive for any length of time. On a tractor, every trip is lengthy trip. Anyhow, this medicine they have me on seems to be working, at least well enough that the doctors have okay'd me so I can help out with harvest. I was all excited - I finally got to do something important on my own again.

This year, I got more attention from the elevator crew than I normally do. I find it mildly amusing that this didn't cause me some internal conflict. Instead, I think I rather enjoyed being the center-of-attraction. I know darn-well that I probably made their day, just by showing up. Oh, if they only knew...

Since sitting in a tractor and waiting isn't exactly brain-surgery, my mind kept drifting. I kept revisiting my decision to adopt my new life, and wondered if it really was the right choice. I had to keep assuring myself that it was the best choice for everyone, including myself. Trying to figure out what to do about the future was another thing altogether.

At first, I tried to figure out how I could get my old job back with Kat's resume. I tried to think of ways of somehow listing my education and experience on my new resume - especially now that I no longer appear to be who I was, and since I don't remember any of the experiences of the girl I appear to be. I think I spent most of the afternoon on different plans and ideas before I realized that just yesterday I had decided to accept my new life... new life. I can't be me, but I'm not really Kat either, at least not the Kat that others used to know... I'm someone else, someone new. But who... Who am I now?

Physically, I'm 22 year-old Rebecca Katherine Green... that's what it says on my driver's license. I'm betting that my genetics and DNA and even fingerprints match any records belonging to that name. Inside - mentally... spiritually - I'm 36 year-old Jacob J. "Trip" Jensen... that's what I remember, who I remember being... that's the life I remember experiencing... at least, until that fateful stay at the Inn.

I've read how some of the others affected by the Inn have decided to use different variations of their new names to sort-of stake-out their own identity. I considered doing the same, and perhaps at some point, I still might... but I doubt that I'll be able to change the fact that, as long as I'm in this body, my family will continue to call me "Kat". I have adopted this body, this life... even this name. For now, I think I'll leave that alone - there's no reason to call attention to the changes that others are likely going to be seeing in me.

As for other changes... well, I'm going continue acting like a girl as best I can, since I am one now... I'm no longer going to consider the consequences my decisions will have on the former owner of this life if she were to return. All decisions will be made based on what I feel will be the best for my life. Right now, that means getting to bed so I can help with the farm tomorrow.


Anonymous said...

You're aware that it looks like you're the only left, right?

What happened to everyone else?

If I were you, I'd be a bit concerned. Perhaps there's something about that Inn that doesn't like all of you blogging about it - and it's eliminating you one at a time.

Maybe you are the only one left!

Kat said...

Well, I'm not the only one left, I guess life is just keeping everyone else busy.