Monday, October 01, 2007

Trip / Kat - Innocence Lost ???

Kat stopped by yesterday while Mom & Dad were visiting my sister.

I suspected that she'd want to talk about her plans for the future, and I guess that I've been totally up-in-arms about what I was going to do.

I'm not the type of guy who would kick a guy like Frank out into the cold - I'm not sure that I could force him to gamble at the Inn again so I could get my old life back. After what some of the others went through, I'm not certain that I really want to chance trying it myself either.

It feels like it's been so long ago... that other life. There would be so much that has changed, or that would need to change again. I remember how weird and foreign it felt when I woke that morning, and how long it's taken just to feel somewhat comfortable in this skin. I'm not sure I really want to go through that again. It'd almost be like becoming someone else again - and that's if my own form was returned to me.

So there I was, not looking forward to having to leave this body and take a chance at trying to get my life back... not looking forward to having to kick Frank out of my body... not looking forward to taking a chance at another life and hoping it's better than either one I've had... nor was I really looking forward to spending the rest of my life as Kat, either.

But there they were... really the only choices I had open to me.

Our conversation was guarded... almost silent as we sat there and sipped some hot cocoa.

I wasn't sure how to begin. How do I tell her all the things I'm thinking... all the things that eat at me everyday lately?

She smiled slightly before asking me, "Well, what do you think?"

My look of confusion as to the nature of her question was clear.

"What do you think, now that you've been a girl for while?"

I paused, thinking, before answering, "It's okay, has it's pros and cons... not too bad a place to visit, but I wouldn't want to live here."

The smile melted from her face as she apologized. "I'm sorry, I thought it's what you wanted."

I explained that I was honored that she would entrust me with her body... her life, allowing me to experience life as a girl... her life... to be her - for awhile. But that I never expected... okay, wanted, it to be a permanent change.

I could see the pain in her face ease as we talked more. I told her of my dilemma, told her of Frank & Dorris and how they had no body to return to, no life to return to now - and how conflicted I've felt about both getting my life back and living a lie... trying to keep her life intact.

I told her how I'd considered the prospect of keeping her life, given the current situation with Frank & Dorris.

She told me how she had found her new life very rewarding. She explained that the former owner of her new life had seemingly embarked on some endeavor, and that he wasn't at all interested in returning to his old life. She told me how odd it seemed, as the family has some money, and life has been "pretty cool" as she put it. I find it odd myself, that someone would walk away from a life where they could have it pretty easy.

But it's not like she could force him to take his life back... especially since she didn't really want to. I could see that there was genuine joy behind those eyes as he told me of some of the places he'd been, and things he'd seen and done.

The conversation turned, once more, to an awkward silence which Kat broke by changing the subject to something that I've tried to avoid... sex. Talk about awkward. I'm almost positive that she was imagining me naked. I'm not sure if my stomach feeling nervous was more from feeling ill from the thought, or from being flattered and perhaps a bit aroused. I mean, biologically... in our current forms, we're not related any more.

After a heated exchange as to why I didn't and she did try sex "from the other side", she showed me some of the items that she kept hidden from everyone - scolding me for being so damn uptight as she went. I told her that I hadn't been thinking of this as my body, nor was it my life to mess up.

I'm not sure when, exactly, I fell prey to her little game... but she definitely had my number. I'm not sure what I'd call where we ended-up - it wasn't really sex - but it was an absolutely wonderful feeling. I'd never felt more vulnerable and weak and scared as I did then - It was as if I had no choice, as if resisting would be futile... then I felt myself just surrendering and trusting him with my... with my very being. Amazing! I'd never felt anything like that in my life - I still tingle every time I think about it. And all this without disrobing.

It's difficult to think about not wanting to enjoy being a girl more - even though it can be a real hassle and sometimes even a hindrance. Barring things like a visit to the Trading Post Inn, every girl grows up through womanhood, and they all live through it just as fine as a boy or a man. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad.

I don't think Kat played very fair. It was like coaxing an animal into a trap.

I don't know... if we just leave things the way they are: Frank and Dorris can be happy; Kat can be happy... even I can find some happiness.

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