Tuesday, September 08, 2009

Cliff/Tori: Life goes on

Since I'm still new at telemarketing, I only work three evenings a week. Tonight was a night off, so I was doing laundry, killing time between loads by reading random sci-fi books and tuning in on whatever Mae was watching on TV. I was loading all my clean whites into a hamper when Tori's mom called me into the kitchen and asked my opinion on potential colors for the kitchen, which she is going to be painting next weekend. I told her I liked the light/pale yellowish tone. She didn't seem to agree, so I shrugged and went back to my room to sort out my clothes. And as I was folding my underwear, something occurred to me.

This is really my life.

Re-read the last paragraph where I wrote "Tori's mom called me into the kitchen." I originally wrote that as "Mom called me into the kitchen." She' not my mom, she's really nothing like my mom (except that she's a mom.) I barely know the woman, even since I've lived here I haven't done much work getting to know her, I just give her space and she seems able to let me live in her house, and the result of that is that I don't stammer anymore when I refer to her as "mom" and I respond immediately when she called for "Tori."

And those clothes I'm putting away, how did I get them? Of course they're nothing I would've bought for myself, even as a woman I would've thought twice before purchasing half of this stuff, but it's mine now. I wear it, I wash it, I put it someplace I can get it easily when I want it again. There are times when it is absurdly comfortable, there are times when it is not. It no longer seems to weird me out, though, that there are parts of my body that I didn't have before, and there are parts of my body I no longer have. "What bra will I wear today?" This is a question I actually ask myself every morning. Then I put on some panties and get on with my day.

It was one of those overwhelming meta-moments, you know? Just a slight little thought and suddenly my mind is blown. There seem to be times I forget I am a different person from who I was a few months ago. One of the most amazing, unbelievable things in history has happened to me, and I am folding laundry and thinking about going to work tomorrow like there is nothing strange about not having a penis.

It was like being awakened from a trance, and I tried to remember what it was like to have a penis. I could capture the feeling in my mind for a little while, but it was too hard, and depressing. Part of me wonders whether this is the beginning of things starting to get out of hand to where I don't miss being a man anymore. After all, it's been only a few months and I no longer think about it 24/7. Part of me is sad about that, part of me is glad not to be torturing myself. I think I've written about that before.

This made me realize I had not called Willy in a few weeks, had no idea what was going on with my life - my real life, as J.H. Clifford - and was strangely disappointing when things were, apparently, a-okay, work is fine, he gets along with my friends. He was thinking about leaving my work as there was only so much about computer repair he could learn on the fly, and I was a little nervous about that, because what happens when someone starts making decisions in your life? Do you start to feel more like you are them? And then I realized that was exactly what was happening with me and Tori, and my telemarketing job.

So I took a deep breath and tried to convince myself that this is all okay, and sooner or later I will be able to reclaim my life, and I had long since decided that it was not cool to constantly be complaining about things like that that I can't change. So I decided just to engage in a little blog-therapy since you guys haven't heard from me in a while. Sorry that some of the things I've said in my last few posts are a little repetitive but I've got some very big things to grasp a hold of, mentally. It's not all going to come at once.

I feel like, bit by bit, I'm getting less confused about who I am. It's not that I'm not Cliff, it's just that somehow I'm Cliff and Tori, and I have as much responsibility to be both, if that makes any sense. Moments like today, where I wake up from the trance" and realize "omg this is so weird" don't happen very often and then they subside and I get back to actually living, which is a comfort.

It's okay that things are going to be okay.

Sorry, I always had a habit of over-analyzing things in my regular life too.


Anonymous said...

Don't be worried about accepting things as normal. If you didn't you would be going crazy and couldn't function because you'd feel ill at ease all the time. You aren't going to lose yourself. You might find yourself thinking things you wouldn't normally consider but that is only because you are in situations you wouldn't normally be in. It won't be because you aren't you anymore. Strange to be saying that to someone who apparently isn't in their right body anymore but it holds true because the you that matters is your mind/soul.

Cliff/Tori said...

"You might find yourself thinking things you wouldn't normally consider but that is only because you are in situations you wouldn't normally be in."

Have I mentioned how many peanut butter sandwiches I've been eating since getting here? It's like I can't get enough of the stuff! Weird.