This has been sitting in "Drafts" for a couple of months, seeming too personal for most of that time, but if I'm going to post again, I guess I'd better put it up...
How do you know I've turned into a for-real pregnant woman? I'm measuring it in weeks, rather than the "nine months" that people who haven't discussed milestones with an OB/GYN use.
With a due date in January, I'm pretty big by now, although I've got a ways to go and grow still, and I don't know if I'm living up to Penny's claims that former guys make the craziest pregnant ladies, but there are certainly days when I feel completely insane. I cried at a movie the other night, and it wasn't some thing about somebody's husband dying of cancer - it was Mad Max Fury Road, a spectacularly bad idea on Moira's part. I mean, it's a fantastic movie, but as soon as Moira remembered what happened to Splendid, she tried to drag me out, although it was Furiosa realizing she had brought the wives to certain doom that got me. All that on top of not being the great way to celebrate a woman thwarting a bloated jerk Moira thought it would be, either.
I am so going to miss President Obama. Mom and Dad always said I wouldn't appreciate what he meant for them, but given what the next four years may hold, I just might, and if nothing else, I don't know how I could have gotten through all this without Obamacare. Doctors' visits are expensive, and even bosses as understanding as Ashlyn don't give hourly employees that kind of benefit.
It's crazy. As much as I haven't had to spend too much of my salary on just being pregnant - Karla handed me down some maternity wear, though I've had to buy new bras as these breasts somehow got even bigger - it's insanely stressful, and I just wake up in the middle of the night wondering how I'm going to screw this up. Not being a mother, but just carrying this baby and giving birth.
I didn't worry about being a mother because Krystle (Krystle-slash-Jonah, if she wrote here) was ahead of the game in searching out adoption agencies, even going so far as to start making assortments for me to meet prospective couples, but that was before yesterday, when I was getting dressed for work when my phone buzzed with a text. "were on r way 2 c u", it said, then "ur mom looking in ur computer is f-ed up", and "told her all shed believe".
I stared at the phone for a few minutes, and then collapsed on the floor. As prone to panic as I am over this whole situation, I really never have much thought to what would happen if we didn't get away with it. I just assumed that I would have this baby, go back to the Inn, and whole Mom and Dad would think I'd been weird for a while, we'd eventually get back to normal, and they would never know how I had let them down.
It's going to sound weird, but my first instinct was to make sure they thought it wasn't their son's fault. I called Moira to say I wouldn't be in because my baby's father and his parents were making a surprise visit, and then I looked in the closet to see what there was. Should I dress like a slut, or would it just make them more disappointed in "me" to think that their son had been taken in by someone so transparent? I shouldn't look reluctant. I messed around with makeup, trying to look younger so that we could say we were mistaken about each other's ages, tried heels for the first time in months, and chose a top that really emphasized my cleavage. How could a kid resist those when their owner showed an interest? Then I puked for the first time in a few weeks, hating the idea of lying to my family.
There was no time to change back, though, and soon the doorbell was ringing. I went through the charade of asking who was there, Krystle said "Jonah", and when I said if come down, I heard Dad say they would come up.
It's weird to see my family as a family, including Krystle in the part of me. She's kind of uncomfortable, my mom is furious, and my dad finds his eyes drawn to my chest, and suddenly emphasizing that seems like a really bad idea. I grab the neckline of my top and try to pull it closed, and he looks away. Krystle tries her best to stifle a laugh at that.
"Something funny, young man?"
"No, uh, Mom, not really."
Mom looks at me, not happy with what she sees. "If it was another teenager, I could almost understand it, but you..." She looks around the apartment, sees the kids' things. "And it's not even your first!"
Krystle started to look upset, so I said it was, but my sister... Mom makes a little sound, Dad shakes his head, and I want to defend her, but see Krystle rolling her eyes and I guess that would be out of character. Mom looks like she's going to say something else, but Dad steps in, saying he just doesn't understand how this happened. Krystle snorts, saying he should know where babies come from, and I cringe. Dad gives her a look, but then says he just wants to know how we got to that point. Was it an on-line thing, who went where, all that.
We don't really have a story beyond the barest facts, so we improvise - "he" took a day trip to Boston during April Vacation, we ducked into a doorway during a downpour, more people did, so bits of us were touching... I guess we had lunch, something about a date from a friend of Krystle's... Then she was going off about it being a threesome, and I'm thinking, whoa, is that something Krystle does? Or maybe it's just a way to get Mom to shout that she doesn't want to hear any more; she's been in my home long enough to know what pushes Mom's buttons.
It gets her to change the subject, at least, saying that how "that one" ended up pregnant didn't matter, but that she wasn't going to let us give her grandchild up to some stranger. She takes another look around the room and asks me if I had any plans to get a place of my own, since "Jonah" says I have a job. Krystle jumps in there, saying "she does, but it is NOT going to have a nursery". Mom looks at her and says that's hardly your decision, so I try and salvage it, saying I'm not ready. Dad asks if I think "he" is, and I'm totem Berwyn answering it the way I hope Krystle might, saying a kid still in high school isn't, and the way I think they would want me to if I were my right self, stumbling. That's when Mom says she wasn't exactly ready to be one of those women raising her grandchild, that she couldn't imagine me ever putting her in that situation, and that's when I start crying like crazy.
I don't feel like I'm having any sorry of revelation or change of mind or anything, but I let it spoil out that I never wanted to disappoint her, or either of them, but it didn't feel life I had a choice. Mom says... Well, I forget how she says that even if she's known Krystle existed, it wouldn't be possible for her to be disappointed in that girl, but it's crushing, and I almost can't help telling them everything.
It gets real quiet, and Dad seems shaken, not quite believing it, but kind of rolling everything I'd said around in his head. Mom takes a moment and decides to go with "how dare you suggest I don't know my own son", while Krystle gives me this open-handed "you crazy?" look. I sigh, feeling a little more crushed, because I hadn't done this as a long shot but just because I'd had to, and now I'd made things worse.
Then Dad asked a question, and I answered, and then there was another, and a third, and Mom really didn't know what to say, which gave Dad a chance to tell me to pack some things, because I was coming with them.
Mom said no way, but Dad told her that this was how it was always ending anyway - they weren't just going to leave this girl waiting tables and riding the subway and trying to fit a seventh person into a two-bedroom apartment, especially with the baby due in the middle of winter, were they? And if I was telling the truth, my friends - who, remember, were acting awful weird for about a year - might be able to verify it.
I ran up to hug them both, which was awkward in different ways - Dad didn't seem to entirely believe me, so it wasn't entirely like his son hugging him, and Mom was very reluctant to show any potential for affection to this girl who had messed up her family's life. I wobbled on the heels, and gratefully whipped them off to throw across the room, explaining that I never wore them but was trying to scare them off. I practically forgot to close the door before getting into sweatpants and a hoodie. Neither Krystle or her family had a real suitcase, so I threw some things into a couple of Karla's shopping bags, including the sneakers Missy got me and some stuff out of the laundry.
My folks hadn't changed my mind when I got back out, so I ran to the door before they did, thinking of all the people I'd have to call. I was pretty sure Ashlyn would forgive my quitting on such short notice, although Moira would be a more difficult conversation, more so than Jordan/Missy and Annette/Benjamin because she didn't know why I would just up and leave with the guy who knocked me up right away. Nor would Momma Kamen, but I figured she might secretly be a bit relieved to have a little more breathing room, as well as expecting some impulsive, not great-looking decision-making from Krystle.
Who, seeing how things had switched around, felt free to drop out of character. "How the f--- you get them to go for that? I spent like three f---in' months before tryin' to get through!"
I didn't have an answer beyond what everyone says about it sometimes being possible at big changes, which disappointed her. "Well, s---. Thanks to Karla, finding out that your daughter's knocked up ain't no big thing to Momma. B----."
Mom and Dad started to scold her about language, but seeing their "sun" suddenly talk like a lower-class woman who spotted stripping more out of necessity than lack of interest seemed to have just as much effect on them as the pregnant woman making a reasonable case that she was really their son. It wound up being pretty quiet on the way to the car and on the ride back to New Hampshire.
And now I'm home, and it's weird. Krystle and I both went to my bedroom at first, until we decide I should probably take the spare room for appearances. Dinner was uncomfortable. This is going to take some getting used to.