Friday, January 20, 2017

Tyler/Juidth: Kudos, I guess

I just read Simon's last post and... wow. I mean, not that he did it per se... as long as he's conscientious about it that's totally his call. I've been mulling things over for months without reaching a firm conclusion, and I am not gonna say that's a better or healthier way of doing things. But the way he went about it... I don't think I could ever be like that. Sure, I occasionally dabbled in casual hookups as a man, but as a woman I guess I'm a lot more... protective, is probably the word.

Kitty has weighed in with some playful but not-so-meaningless jibes about how I'm too walled off in that area. It's just weird for me. I've been a woman for two of the past three years... I'm as familiar and comfortable with the equipment as I'm ever going to be. I've come to terms with the idea that if I want sex again - maybe in my entire lifetime - waiting to be male again might not be the way to go, since there's no guarantee of that (with my luck.) The way things are between me and Kit, I might be joining Simon on that side sooner than later, and yet... I'm still holding out.

I can see he takes it a little personally, but he's getting very into the "closed-off, let's not talk about it" male persona he's building up for himself so it's hard to drag it out of him. It's a discussion I'd rather not have: why am I so reluctant to jump back into bed with him, when we've been literal bedmates since we got here, plus everything we did before that.

"Let's just have some fun," he'll say, "It'll be like old times."

"Things are different now," I say... "I'm older, tired. Busy." Excuses, excuses. And I've openly talked about wanting to try rekindling what we had, but we need to deal with the fact that, a month ago, he confessed that he "loved" me - not that he was attracted to me, or that he was interested in me or liked me. Love. That was a heavy word, and I'm not sure that whatever I feel for him matches that.

This ain't like Meg pretending to love Wade back when she was Tasha. Kit knows who I am, knows me as well as anybody at this point. Fair to say he can make an informed statement.

There was a moment at Christmas when I was ready, but it seems to have passed, at least for now.

Am I wrong to want a bit more passion, desire, drive? Not to take that step because we feel like we have to, but because I can't resist? (That's partly why I'm genuinely impressed by Simon. He wanted, he got.) Not like it's impossible to infuse my situation with a bit more heat, but... so far, things are just running too chilly.

Part of me thinks our life is too complicated to try anything more than what we already got. Say we try it and things go bad and we can't even stand to look at each other anymore? We still have to be "married" and raise "our" kid for a while. And then we don't even know what comes next. We're working without a net here.

But... shit. I get it. I look over at him at dinner or in bed, and he smiles that goofy grin and I think "This guy's all right." I feel safe and comfortable and I could wrap my arms around him, which is a big enough leap.

One of these days I'll probably crack, but not yet.

-Ty/Jude

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