Todd: Babysitter

Cliff's not kidding when he says that when something happens to a fellow Inn-person, you take it on yourself. Nearly a year after being myself -- although I haven't felt a whole lot like myself in that time -- I still have nightmares where I'm forced into going back to the Inn or where I never did. Where I'm still Anne-Marie.

I describe them as nightmares because even at the best of times it was a drag (...no pun intended.) Constantly playing wife and mother was not my idea of a holiday, piling on menstrual cramps, physical weakness, the occasional migraine and breast-tenderness for scenery. There was a time when sex was the most important thing in my life (roughly the years between 2000 and 2008) but having a nice female orgasm every now and again -- really inconsistently -- was just not enough to make me look back fondly on my time as Anne-Marie. And those, kids, I loved 'em, but half the time I had no idea what to do about them. This was particularly obvious when I just didn't know what to say when their grandfather died. I was not cut out for motherhood.

I've kept in contact with Anne-Marie, just a little. We exchange the occasional e-mail but for the most part she's technophobic (being Julia helped this just a little, but still) so her information comes out in dribs and drabs. She's also a fairly private person... which is odd considering I've done stuff with her husband. I'm guessing this stems from a desire to put the entire experience behind her, which I can't say I blame her.

But she does vent, every now and again, because she at least knows she can rely on me for support. So when she notices little Ellie, now at 16, has grown into a bit of a troubled teen, she can't help but blame her time as Kalli. Ellie's showing a rebellious streak that definitely wasn't the case before the change, but in a way, Bryan probably acted anyway. I suggested it was possible the whole "lesbian" thing may have somehow gotten out, leading to some bitterness. For context, I asked whether Ellie was seeing anyone, and Anne-Marie said she didn't know. That year as "roommates" did a lot to damage their once-close relationship.

Somewhere, I suspect Ellie's mother is claiming a victory on that one (if a slightly Pyrrhic one.)

And speaking of teenage daughters, Hayley reacted very negatively to Anne-Marie's return. I know I wasn't that stern of an authority figure, but I didn't realize how lax I'd been until Anne-Marie came back and started laying down the law. I always thought of Hayley as a bright, friendly presence, a genuinely sweet girl, but lately I guess she's just following in her cousin's "bitter teen girl" footsteps.

Anyway. These are problems everyone goes through, and as much guilt as I feel about leaving Anne-Marie and Ellie to resolve their own issues, it's just not part of my world anymore. I've left Connecticut behind. But of course that doesn't mean I can forget Maine.

No, what Greg's predicament really reminded me of -- and forgive me for being self-centered here but I can only say "Sorry to hear that, Greg" a couple times before it loses meaning -- was Alia. And Crystal and Bryan. And how, even though I've read enough of this blog to know better, it just seemed unfathomable that someone would just try to abscond with another person's body. It's the old Inn curse at work again I guess. You don't believe it until it happens to you. That never stopped me from eying Crystal suspiciously, but this really illustrated the distinction between the situations.

Suddenly -- and I never thought I'd get to this point -- I'm actually grateful to Bry for what he's done. As perverse as his entire plan was, it seems to be working. No, I don't generally approve of using sex as a weapon (anymore) and I definitely don't approve of him getting busy with my girlfriend's body, it seems to be going well.

I know this because, as a favour to Sean Flaherty and Erica, I agreed to babysit little Katie last night while they had their first date night since the baby's birth. Feeling a bit squeamish about being left alone with an infant, I reached out to the only person I could find: Crystal.

"I'm glad you called me," she said when she arrived, "I love babies. Did I ever tell you that?"

"Yeah, I think you mentioned it once or twice." It was actually all she could talk about when the subject of Erica's pregnancy would come up.

After a while, we got to talking. "I just always regretted certain aspects of my life," she said, "I put off being a mother in favour of a career, and then my career didn't work out well, and then one day I woke up, I was nearly forty, unmarried, childless..."

"Have you thought about what's going to happen after you go back?" I emphasized these last words, as if to say You are going back, right?

"I... am," she said, drawing that one out a bit too long for my liking, "I really do like Bryan. I might even love him. But if he knew the real me, if he saw what I really looked like, he might not be so... enthusiastic."

I told her that seemed unlikely. Bryan is the only person I know to have gotten a chubby from the six-breasted stripper in Jabba's palace in Return of the Jedi. The man has extremely broad tastes. I did not mention this, however, as that comparison is probably not welcome.

We spoke a bit more about her and Bryan's relationship, but out of respect I won't transcribe, since a lot of it was personal. Not just the sex stuff, but certain, shall we say, insecurities that come from being a woman her age.

After she changed the kid and put her down for a nap, she studied my face, "I still don't see it. This man I am sitting next to was once somebody's wife."

"For a while, yeah," I laughed, "But I'm retired from the wifing business." She listened, in rapt attention while I shared some of my fond memories of Conner and Hayley. She told me about her niece and nephew, whom she hadn't seen in years because they live out west in Wyoming of all places.

"So did you learn anything important about women when you were one?"

"Sure," I smirked, "That it's simultaneously very easy and very difficult to turn down sex." She burst out in laughter -- an eerie mutation of the laugh I'm most used to from Alia. A bit throatier. It made me uncomfortable, on some level. But it was a laugh nonetheless.

"You sound like Bryan! He told me about his whole lesbian thing. Jeez, what is it with you guys? It's all about sex. Never mind being in a different social status, being stared at or objectified or marginalized or forced to wear uncomfortable clothes and make-up just to look good, or being small -- all you want to know is where your next lay comes from!" She smiled and shook her head.

I responded, jokingly, "Oh, yeah? What about you? How long were you in Alia's body before you hooked up with Bry?"

"Okay, that's not fair. We started off just as friends, and we seriously just bonded. It was the most natural..." she hesitated, growing visibly uncomfortable with being so open.

I interrupted, "No, it's okay, I get it. I was just kidding about it."

"No, it's fair. I mean, you've been a woman, it's only fair if I level with you. When I found out what I'd become, it definitely didn't take me long to start feeling sexual again. And then when I saw the two of you..." She paused. "Can I be honest? Don't take this the wrong way, because I'm so happy with Bryan I can't even believe it, but when I first saw the two of you, you were the one I was more interested in."

Say what.

"I don't know. Maybe it was Alia's body pointing me in your direction. Maybe it was the way she described you in her letter, maybe it was your look. I can't explain it, but at first glance, it was you. But you were very quiet, very dark at the time... probably because of Alia, I suppose. You were so closed-off that I never had a chance to get to know you until recently. No offense."

"Yeah, I was pretty bitter at the time," I admitted, "I didn't have much direction in life, I was real confused how this was all going to shake out. It took months before I could start being myself again."

We both pondered, quietly, for a moment. I don't know what she was thinking of, but I was just feeling thankful that my morose outlook had saved me from further complicating things with Alia, and allowed this whole Bryan/Crystal thing to happen.

In an ideal world, none of this would've happened anyway, but here we are.

I learned more about Crystal as a person in that night than I had in all the months she's been here. In a way, it was incredibly eerie talking to her, because I couldn't help but be reminded of all the amazing talks I've had with Alia over the years. But at the same time, it helped me confront some of my own anxieties.

Crystal, I think, is one of the good ones. I trust her. I'm still jittery about things, and you can never tell what's going to happen, but I know she's doing her part, which is enough for me.

-Todd

Todd: Peacemakers

Given the fact that my relationship with Sean Flaherty and Erica LaFleur you would be surprised to find out that I am writing this post from Erica's apartment.

I had barely seen her since Sean made it very clear, last summer, that he was going to raise this kid, and I was fine with it, but I felt like it was a loose end in my life, one of, perhaps, too many. There's no way I can rationalize it, but something didn't sit right with me about the idea of some poor bastard child being conceived during my time away from my body. The last time I had seen Erica and Sean, it was at a New Year's party we all happened to attend (hey, we run in the same circles.) Sean was shooting me death glares anytime I looked in their direction. Erica, sweet kid she is, had the look of a sympathetic, somewhat remorseful, and very, very pregnant captive.

I didn't know how to reach out to Erica. I didn't want to overstep my boundaries or get in a conflict with Sean. Frankly, I sympathized with him. From his perspective, I took advantage of a difficult time in his relationship with Erica. In some perverse form of retaliation, he and Alia started hooking up. After Sean and Erica patched up their differences was when she learned she was pregnant. I became his enemy.

I should note that Sean and I were never the best of friends to begin with, but we had hardly been enemies.

Bad feelings, man. It's hard to get over something like that, and as much as I want to be big about it, the only thing I could do was separate myself from them and let them live their lives. But it was always felt like that thread of my life was hanging, and apparently, so did Sean.

A couple nights ago, he showed up at my door. It was a Wednesday night, and someone was buzzing at my intercom. Sleepily, barely cognizant of what was going on, I unlocked the door, unsure if I had heard him correctly when he mumbled "Sean" into the receiver. He must've been halfway up to my place when I awakened and was struck with a sudden sense of dread. Did I really just invite Sean Flaherty up to my house, at 2 AM on a Wednesday night? (Well, now Thursday.) My heart began to beat. It was the kind of stress I hadn't faced much since regaining my own body.

When he arrived, it was pretty clear he was drunk. He sat himself down on the couch and proceeded to drink from a half-empty mickey of vodka that looked like something a 17-year-old pinches from his dad (I'd know.) I offered him something to mix with, he chose orange juice.

I wasn't sure whether he'd come to make peace or to beat the shit out of me. I think he hadn't decided between the two, because his attitude was shifting wildly. I just sat and listened patiently while he rambled, finally telling me exactly how mad he was about the way things had gone this past year. I told hi he wasn't alone, and he told me to shut the fuck up, and asked "What the fuck do you know?"

He continued, "What are you, mad about not having Alia? You could have her. I know she loves you, and I don't know why she's with Bryan right now, so I figure it must be because for some reason you decided you don't want her. But if you wanted her that badly, you'd just have to walk in there and tell her so. I know that's how she feels about you." She must've been very honest about the matter when she was with him. I wanted to tell him it was more complicated than that, but I didn't feel like outlining the reasons why. So I let him go on.

"But me? It's like, there's no hope for me anymore. This baby is coming, and it's yours. And no matter how close I am to it, it's always, like, going to be something that's between me and Erica, something that's keeping us apart. It's not taht I'm afraid of being a dad... it's just... I'm afraid I won't be able to be one when the time comes."

I was about to console him on the matter when he said something startling. "I proposed, you know. She said no. I tried to make this right, I'm trying to make it work, we've been together almost as long as... I was gonna say almost as long as you and Alia but I guess you're not together now are you."

"No, I guess not."

"But that's how long anyway. I don't want to be with anyone else, and we've all fucked up and I want to move past it."

I asked "Do you know why she said no?"

"Fuck no. Do you?"

"Nope. This is the first I've heard of it."

"It's not like we broke up or anything, she just said now wasn't the time for it. I don't know. Do you get women?"

I sighed. "Now less than ever."

He finished his drink and continued to ramble circularly. I had poured my own drink by this point. As he turned to leave, he explained why he had come to me. "I've got a chance at a job, at a hospital out in Vancouver." Sean is a male nurse of some kind. "I have to fly out for an interview, but Erica, she's, like, due any day now. I hate the thought of leaving her alone like this, so I was wondering if you'd, you know, take care of her. Just in case. Until I get back."

It was a very humane gesture, a real olive branch moment. I told him of course I would, and we shook hands, and he disappeared into the night.

It's been good, coming over here after work, just to be out of the house with someone, away from the Bry/Crystal show, to be social again, in a way, like I was with Ginny. To be on good terms with the women of the world. To have something of importance going on in my life. Not that this is Earth-shattering work, making dinner and watching TV with a pregnant lady, but it's the most tangible thing I've done with my life since I got back to it.

I think, in theory, it could've been anyone looking after Erica. She has any number of female friends who would've been more sensitive to her needs, most of whom Sean wouldn't have to fear her cheating with. But it's the gesture more than the practicality of it: I suspect Erica has been on his case about the cold war between us.

We haven't talked about any of the serious issues. She hasn't seemed keen to talk about, you know, the circumstances under which I impregnated her. I haven't asked why she rejected Sean's marriage proposal. But Erica is a smart cookie and we've had some interesting conversations. I'm starting to wake up out of what feels like my post-return coma.

-Todd

Todd: Mysteries part 3 -- Nothing's ever done

There are a few reasons I found it easy to be attracted to Ginessa. One, she's hot. I have a thing for exotic-looking women; if you'd ever met Alia, you'd understand. Two, we come from the same world, sort of. We understand a lot about each other on a sort-of intuitive level that is difficult to explain. Inn folk, even when they disagree, have a sort of mutual respect, at least the ones I've met. Lastly, she just seems comfortable being herself, whatever that's supposed to mean. She's very at ease in her skin, not a prim and proper lady, but one who knows how to command a situation if she wants to.

The first time we met, and often in our letters, it felt like Inn stuff was off the table for her, conversationally. In a kind of "methinks the lady protests too much" way, she wanted none of it. Once she got the sense that I was not a judgmental guy, though, I think she eased up on it. I think a lot of it is her defensiveness from being friends with Darren/Jamie, which apparently wasn't always an easy thing to handle ("I can't say too much about her, but she's getting better.")

"I just find it amazing," she told me over beers at my place, "I met you, and you were this woman, and here you are, looking completely different... I have a hard time believing it, but you're so much like I remember. It's more than a little weird."

"Having Bry around sometimes, and the blog, helped me keep track of myself."

"Can I be honest?" she says, "I'm so glad I didn't keep up on the blog. One, I'm not a writer. Two, it feels like I would've just spent the whole time beating myself up over it. Maybe I gave in early, but I'm happy, and I have been for a long time. Well, I'm not always happy, but it has nothing to do with my body."

Eventually, the way conversations go off in tangents, we began to reminisce about the moments we decided to first have sex in a female body. I told her I felt like the Universe was conspiring against me. Hal was getting his vasectomy, Anne-Marie was on my case about it, I was horny as hell. So many different signals seemed to be pointing me in the same direction. She laughed at that one, "Yeah, I know the feeling."

I asked her about her first time. She glossed over the details. I get the sense she doesn't really like talking about it. "It was a mistake. I should have waited. I mean, it was way, way too early. I was not nearly ready for it, and I barely knew the guy." It was not her husband, but it was the only other guy she had sex with. She paused a moment and smirked, "I remember when he whipped out his cock, my eyes popped out of my head, like You want me to do what? And now, heh." 'Nuff said.

We ended up going out for New Year's to a house party at a friend of Bry's and I. I watched from afar as Crystal/Alia was being chatted up by a couple of guys, trying to suppress my overprotective urges. We've had talks, and I should trust her, but I didn't. Something about her just seemed untrustworthy. And all night people kept pointing her out to me and asking if it was awkward to be around her now that "we were done." I told them nothing's ever done.

At the party, I made like Ginny was my date. She was more of a life preserver. There was a very, very attractive girl who seemed interested in me. I told her I was taken and she said it could just be our little secret. Cue Ginny, playing like she was my woman, a jealous type ready to choke a bitch getting too close to me. Bry sat morosely in the corner, and spent a lot more time talking to Crystal/Alia than I did.

At midnight, I kissed Ginny, a polite, lips-sealed grade-school type kiss. Then she got drunk and developed the amusing habit of slapping asses. Also at the party were Erica LaFleur and Sean Flaherty, but Sean has made it clear he doesn't want anything to do with me. Eric was polite enough to acknowledge me at the snack table, which is the least she could do since I impregnated her and all.

Ginny and I left early. The next morning, though, she was waiting for me in the kitchen while Bry was still conked out.

"What's up?" I asked.

With the uncertainty of a woman with a minor hangover and some bad news to tell, she said, "Listen, Todd, I wouldn't be a very good friend if I didn't tell you this, but you know how you were saying Bry had a girlfriend he wasn't introducing you to?"

"Yeah." Two posts ago, but really I'd written it sometime earlier, I wrote 'He's seeing someone, although our hours don't sync up to the point where I've met her yet.'

"Well, I saw her last night. Todd, it's Alia. I mean, Crystal."

What.

"I was trying to get to sleep. They came in at about 4, all over each other. I didn't look, but I heard their voices very clearly."

I sunk into the couch. For a while I didn't know what to say. So I asked, "Is she still here?"

"No, she left early this morning."

Hot with rage, I pounded on Bry's door, something that is strictly an emergency measure. Through the door he cursed me out before relenting and opening. When I saw his face, I didn't have any time to be subtle. I growled, "You're fucking Crystal."

He stopped in his tracks and sputtered, "Buh, wha? What makes you say that?" which is exactly what he says when he's called on his bullshit.

"Ginny saw you two last night." I looked over at her for confirmation, and she glanced away, trying to remove herself from the conflict.

Bry tried to wriggle out of it for a while, stammering things like "Is that all the proof you've got? You don't know the whole story, that's not what it is at all," before finally admitting "Well, okay, so we're... whatever. So what?"

"So what? So what?!" I'm flipping out, "You're fucking her! Do I need to spell it out for you?" I ranted and raved about boundaries and respect and all this other self-righteous stuff.

I couldn't believe Bry didn't see what was wrong with this. But he let me keep going, and when I was out of breath, he put his hands on his head like Dr. Cox, and asked if I was through. I'd thought I'd made my point pretty sufficiently, so I wanted to head what he had to say for himself.

So he says, "She's not Alia, you know."

Pause. I tell him, yeah, I know that.

"So what's the problem? You don't own her. She's not your girlfriend. She's a stranger to you. You've barely spoken to her. She thinks you hate her."

"I don't hate her," I objected.

"Well, I know, but that's what she thinks. We've gotten to know each other. She likes me. I like her. Things happen."

"You crossed a line here," I tell him.

"This is beyond your control, Todd. This is just like with Erica and Sean. That has nothing to do with you, and neither does this. She can be with anyone she wants. And you're lucky -- for fuck's sake, you are damn lucky she chose me and not, like, some stranger who doesn't know the truth. She trusts me."

"And what happens if she gets attached to you, when we have to send her away to Maine, and she doesn't want to go?"

"That's not gonna happen."

"How can you be sure?"

"Because she cares about me, Todd. Because she knows I want to help you get Alia back, and she wouldn't betray me that way. We're all on the same side here. Don't act like I'm betraying you here. It's the opposite."

I was suddenly feeling very overwhelmed. I can't remember the last time I'd felt so "put in my place."

I never thought of myself as someone who needed to control things, but my frustration at the Erica-Sean thing seems like part of this. The universe seems so big and unyielding, I want things I can command, but there's so much beyond me. It doesn't do wonders for my ego.

So I ask him, "Does Alia know about this?" He says no, he wanted to tell me first, because he know she'd end up telling me. We ended up telling her later that day. Her feelings were... mixed, to say the least. She has plenty going on in Rob's life, and she's not terribly comfortable with the idea of Bryan coupling with her body, but... well, you have to admit there's something in Bryan's logic. Whether this was something he came up with before or after his pants were off, I don't know.

It was on the 3rd of January that Ginessa headed home. The weather took a sudden turn for the colder in the New Year and Ginny took that as a sign that it was time to head home.

There's something very appealing about Ginny's life. It's not the one she was born with, but it's hers. She told me that when she was preparing to marry Gavin, she was still an ex-man doing what she had to do to survive, living in temporary solutions. It was afterward that comfort and security came, and something she calls love, when she really stopped being Mark and became Ginessa. For better or worse, she has her life, she makes decisions for herself, she is pretty much in control and doesn't rely on anything supernatural to provide for her. I hope to get back to that place as soon as I can.

But it's a long way away yet, and like I said... sometimes it feels like nothing's ever done. Maybe Ginessa proves that wrong. But I know nothing's done for me, yet.

-Todd

Todd: Nuit Blanche and a rambling man

I've been finding it very hard to sit still and settle back into the life that is rightfully mine, because there is a lot of housekeeping that I have put off since returning a few months ago.

Every time I see Erica, she has gotten that much more pregnant. She's really starting to expand. Since she works in an office and I, ahem, have a tendency to sleep all day, we never did intersect that much in my regular life and we haven't lately. But when I do see her, it's like a reminder that the life I've come back to isn't the one I left.

But I did manage to get over to her apartment for dinner over a week ago, with Bryan in tow. She and Sean Flaherty cooked some pasta while we all awkwardly caught up on things. It's so weird having to withhold such a giant tract of my life from people I know. There are so few people who can know that I spent a year as Anne-Marie. In a way, it's a relief, because it means I don't have to explain it to them, don't have to field questions about sex or menstruation or any of that other crap I've pretty much touched on here (and if I haven't said something directly here it's because I really didn't wanna talk about it.) But it's also a shame since it means a very important slice of my life has to go unacknowledged. I feel like I've matured, but Sean and Erica don't seem to agree.

They explained their position. They are looking to have all the legal paperwork drawn up so that Sean is legally the child's father. I will have no responsibility for it, I will not have to pay child support, they're not even sure when or if they will explain the kid's real parentage.

At first it was a relief. Although it is my genetic stock, I felt, at first, as much connection the the child growing inside Erica as I do to anyone else's baby. I wanted no part of it.

Relief turned to disappointment. I thought the last thing I wanted was to take care of a baby that isn't really mine, but it's a little more complicated than that. I try to push it out of my mind, but there's a part of me that fears Alia will never make it back to her own body, and that I will never care about someone the way I do about her and so will never have a kid of my own, aside from this one. Paranoid as it may be, being suddenly transformed into a different person will have a drastic impact on the way you look at things. It feels now like anything is possible.

Bryan sat watching from the couch while Sean cleared the dishes from the table and I sat across from Erica and asked her why keep it a secret, why cut me out of the whole thing, why not ask for any money?

I could see her squirm, as she insisted that keeping it between her and Sean was a way of keeping things from getting complicated. "Plus," Sean chimed in, "We thought you would want it this way. You're not really the parental type, you know?"

I've spend a fair bit of time talking about Sean Flaherty indirectly. He first came up when Alia admitted she'd had a fling with him when Deb was me. He and Erica actually go back a ways, but unlike me and Alia, only broke up once, and hadn't been together for a while, I assume, when this whole thing between her and Deb went down.

The easiest way to describe him is... smug. He can be a nice guy, but he has a bit of a holier-than-thou streak running through him. It was actually hard for me to spend a whole evening with this guy and not punch him, adding to my annoyance that he'd be raising this kid. Part of that was also the knowledge that he'd slept with Alia, but even before there was that. I've known him for years. He's a good athlete, he's a pretty boy, has terrible taste in music, dresses preppy, he has a good job and comes from a family background not that different from mine. He's Bizarro-me. And he doesn't hesitate to let people know he thinks highly of his accomplishments.

Erica steps in to clarify. "What he means to say is that your life is pretty chaotic lately. We can't take your money, you need to get settled for yourself. Maybe when you stop running all over the continent when you get bored or angry..."

Now I was really upset, partly offended at the insinuations about my character, partly annoyed that they were pretty much right. As much as I want everyone to know that I've changed, that I'm not going to be that guy anymore, there's no reason anyone should believe me, because I still seem to be the person I always was. A rolling stone, a "ramblin' man" (Allman Bros. reference) who ran away from his problems instead of facing them.

After all, I wasn't working, I was living hand-to-mouth, lonely and pining for Alia. My life had actually gone several steps backward since returning to Toronto. I left in a huff. Bryan followed a bit behind me, taking care to get leftovers.

Bryan. I keep forgetting, while I haven't been posting, that although there's not a lot going on in my life, there are others like Bryan and Crystal/Alia, that you readers only get to hear about through me. Crystal, as I've already said, got a job writing ad copy (I suspect Alia was afraid she'd end up doing something like that herself, but Crystal seems to like it.) As wary as I am of this rather skittish woman in my girlfriend's skin, she came through for Bryan and helped him get a staff photographer position, where he can ply his skills as well as keep a close eye on Crystal. I hate to be the suspicious type, but knowing what's going on in her life is a bit of an advantage.

Anyway, now they both suddenly have decent jobs and I'm left as the loser. I've pondered getting my design/intern gig back but I know I wouldn't be satisfied, I know there's not a lot of room for advancement there, and I'd pretty much be back where I started. I haven't written it off yet though, I just need to figure out exactly what I want. Stability, or happiness?

Until then, I managed to get back into a record store job I had years ago. It doesn't earn me a ton of bread, but it pays the bills. But it's not going to impress anyone into thinking I'm parent material.

I don't know what upset me so much. I actually don't want to be a parent and should be fine with the whole arrangement, but something about the way the whole thing went down felt so insulting... it just hit a sore spot because of the way I've been feeling about my life lately. I'm faced with the fact that I've really got to start outlining my future, and it's... intimidating. I'm feeling the pressure to get my life in order before Alia gets back.

Which brings us to Nuit Blanche, which is an all-night event in Toronto where the city is pretty much transformed into a massive modern art gallery. They have them in various cities all over the world (it started in Paris a few years ago and migrated outward.) We managed to entice the somewhat-introverted Crystal into coming out with us despite the ridiculous rainy weather. Ironically, she was the one most taken by some of the exhibits while Bry and I were calling "pretentious BS" left and right. She enjoyed it more than either of us.

She was getting kinda loopy around 3 AM. I had an installation I wanted to see across town, so Bry made sure she got home okay and met back up with me later. Getting her out of the way made it easier to interact with people who know the three of us. For a long time, there is going to be the awkward disconnect between what people think "Alia" is and what we know about her. We've had to face that fact a lot already, and hopefully over the next few months it'll get better, because it seems like Crystal really wants to get out more.

Anyway, I guess I've said enough for tonight. It was good to catch up.

-Todd

Todd: Family Values

A lot of time has passed since I found out Deb, in my body, had impregnated a girl named Erica (previously a totally platonic friend I would never have had sex with. Probably.)

I guess I had a few expectations getting my life back. I wanted it to be exactly as I had left it, but the truth is, that was not going to be possible anyway. Before I even left for the States, I quit my job and broke up with my girlfriend, who, before we could reconcile, went and got herself transformed. No matter how I spin it, this wasn't going to be the life I wanted to get back to, so sure, why not toss in a bastard lovechild for good measure?

It is entirely likely I overreacted in my description but the truth is, I felt pretty betrayed by what Deb had done. It's not so bad that she went ahead and had sex with Erica. Yes it complicated a relatively simple, innocent acquaintanceship needlessly, but I'm used to it. I could've moved past the awkwardness like it never happened. But now there's evidence. Now it's a thing. And I guess I'm mad that Deb would've been so careless. Or that Erica would be so careless. Someone was careless and it wasn't me.

After writing that last post, I felt the urge to go see my mom. She lives in Etobicoke, far from the hustle-and-bustle of downtown life and really not that hard to get to, but for some reason I had been putting it off since getting home. I guess I was too wrapped up in my own life to think about her.

So I went out to see her without any clear decision as to whether I'd be telling her about my situation. When I got there, I had no idea what to say.

She told me, "I can tell you've got something on your mind" as she poured me an Irish coffee (we do love to drink in our family.) I was wringing my hands and drumming my fingers. Nervous habits. I wondered to myself if she'd noticed my "nervous habits" had changed over the last year. I wondered if Deb ever actually came out to visit her. "So what brings you out here?"

I wanted to tell her. I felt it all welling up in my throat as I thought back to the morning I was transformed into Anne-Marie, and after realizing I would not be going right back to Toronto, she was the second person I thought of (after Alia of course.) I wanted to tell her how I had spent a year living in a house ten times nicer than any place we'd ever lived and how it gave me an appreciation of everything she did to provide for me while Dad was in and out of the marriage (the situation between my parents was... confusing, maybe I'll explain it someday.) About how I had tried my hand at parenthood - motherhood to be exact - and occasionally found it enjoyable. When I think back on it now, more than anything about Anne-Marie's life, I miss Hayley and Connor.

I stammered, "It's been a while. I don't come around as often as I should."

She laughed. "I suppose not. I only raised you, after all."

"It's been a very... strange year."

"Are you ready to talk about it, then?"

"Talk about what?"

"Your mental breakdown."

I did a double-take. "My what?"

"Well, what would you call it? Your girlfriend broke up with you, you quit your job..."

"I wouldn't call it a mental breakdown." Well, maybe I would have.

"I didn't mind when you said you had the flu at Christmas. You didn't call me on my birthday. You didn't come to your cousin Terri's engagement party." My cousin Terri got engaged? "I don't blame you, you never were the most organized, but I want you to know I've noticed. A mother notices these things and I want you to tell me if there's something wrong."

"I didn't mean to worry you, mom--"

"Oh, you want to talk about worried? How abut disappearing to the States for months on end with hardly a postcard or e-mail?"

I sat thinking about it for a moment, my mind running over the effect my absence had had on my mother. I had been very involved with Anne-Marie's family, but Deb hadn't gone out of her way to be part of mine. And as much as I wanted to be mad at her for that, the fact is it wasn't that far off from the way I had been before. I'd come to family gatherings and act aloof from everyone, snipe and start arguments with distant relatives if it suited me, because I didn't like being made to interact with them. Shit, more than one Thanksgiving/Christmas/Birthday/Reunion I came stoned and/or drunk just to deal with it, when I wasn't outright skipping them. The behaviour my mom was chiding me for was my own, not just Deb's.

"I needed to grow up," I told her.

"Well I'm glad you said it." She smiled a warm, motherly grin, "But what are you going to do about it?"

I took a long, thoughtful sip and decided to tell her.

"Something's happened. Someone's pregnant."

"Someone?" She asked. I nodded. "Not Alia?"

"No."

"Are you seeing this girl?"

"No. Someone else is."

She heaved a deep, disappointed sigh. I was sure to add, "He wasn't seeing her at the time. I think they were, you know, broken up, or on a break or whatever, and I didn't think it was going to-- well, it doesn't matter. I made a mistake." The weird thing is, I have made mistakes, and it would do me well to admit them, even if this isn't one of them.

"And what happens now?" she asked. "Is she keeping it?"

"To my knowledge."

"And you're, what, going to help raise it? Support the kid? Play dad? Or just sign the kid away to his other daddy?"

"I... I haven't figured it out yet."

"Well," she finished her coffee, and I'd finished mine, so she cleared the cups away. "When you do, let me know. Because I want to help you, but you've got to decide these things for yourself. I want you to do whatever you feel is right, Todd."

"Thanks, mom," I stood to leave. I gave her a big, warm hug and a kiss. It felt good to reconnect with her... we hadn't talked that seriously since way, way before I left. I forgot how much of a straight-talker she can be when the situation calls for it. She can be a tough lady, my mom, and I admire her for it.

I left still not knowing what to do, but feeling I was on the right track to properly addressing the situation.

-Todd

Alia/Rob: Glue

It's weird how I can be hundreds of miles away from my city, my friends, my body, my life, but some problems feel like they're right in their backyard.

Learning the truth about Todd, about what had happened last year, was very strange for me because when the new person took over his body, and it seemed as though he had simply changed, my feelings toward him changed. It was hard for me adjust, but slowly I came to the realization (through his lack of enthusiasm toward me in all ways, even the friendly ones) that we had truly grown apart. I went through a number of different phases - frustration, depression, petty revenge, acceptance... not necessarily in that order. Sometimes when I would think I was finally over him, something would remind me (a place we'd been, a song we'd listened to,) and I would feel like a stupid girl with an unrequited crush again. I've said this before, probably, but it's been on my mind a lot lately. I always come back to it when I wonder why the hell I went to Maine in the first place.

When I learned the truth, it was confusing and scary and everything (remember I had just been transformed!) but on some level that became more apparent later, very comforting. To know that the person that I'd known that year wasn't my Todd at all gave me a lot of hope, even as bleak as everything seemed, it was a relief to know the truth, to feel there was a chance things would turn out okay.

Re-reading what Todd wrote in this blog, I saw my name mentioned a certain number of times and it made me feel very glad to see I was so important to him, because it was over the course of that lonely and confusing year that I learned how important he was to me as well. As cheesy as it sounds. I look at it this way: when we broke up, that's why he left Toronto, I was the thing keeping him there. He never openly expressed much desire to go on the road - maybe as an elaborate fantasy but never did he say "Alia I want to go to the States" and I told him "No, you must stay here with me." Hell, I would have liked to have gone with him, but I had obligations of my own.

I guess what I'm saying is that it's important to care about something, to want to stay in one place for something. To have glue keeping you where you belong. I feel like Todd and I always had that, and now we realize it. So when he found out about his situation with Erica, he did all those things he mentioned in his entry, and then he came to me on MSN and explained it.

I love out MSN conversations. for the first time in years I feel like I'm really talking to him, as myself, not as this person I look like. I can say what I really feel without being self-conscious about the way he might interpret it with me appearance. (I know that's kinda silly but it's true.) He can imagine me as the girl I am, not the person I appear to be.

Anyway. It was my job to talk him down from the ledge. He was very confused about how to handle the whole thing, and I really didn't know what to say to him because it's such a weird situation to have sprung on you. I had to convince him that, since Erica and Sean Flaherty are a couple they would probably handle most of the responsibility anyway, but I guess his time as Anne-Marie made him more sensitive to parental issues.

PS - I'd explain how it came to be that Sean and Erica were apart and Erica and I slept with each others' boyfriends, but frankly that's a story that makes nobody look good.

I don't know. I guess the whole thing has been sort of a re-bonding experience for us. It made me think. It's Friday night and I'm blogging about my long-distance boyfriend. I feel like I'm in junior high.

-Alia

Todd: Not very good news

Something bad has happened. Something I couldn't have imagined and I don't even know how to explain, so I'll start from the top. This is even worse than finding out my girlfriend had turned into a dude overnight. I was at least prepared for that. This came from nowhere.

So I was out at the produce market. Before all the changes, Alia always took it on herself to make sure we had fruit and stuff at our place, one of the many small things I miss about her. So I realized there weren't any apples in the apartment and I wanted some. I went down the block to the produce market and I got my fruit and as I'm walking out of the place, I run into this girl I know. Erica LaFleur.

Erica was one of those girls back in the early years of University who was always around. Part of the circle of friends, you might say. Now, I was always dating Alia so I never really thought of her as more than a female acquaintance, but she had a cute girl-next-door thing going on and I think at one point several years ago, Bryan may have had a thing with her. I really couldn't say.

I was glad to see her. It's not that I hadn't run into anyone over the past few weeks but whenever I do, I'm filled with this awkward "I haven't seen you in a year but who knows how long it's been for you" feeling. Like, I want to say it's been forever, but to them I was just in the states a few weeks. I just want to get over the awkwardness and see everyone I cam.

So I hugged her and gave her a kiss on the cheek and asked her how she was, and she said she was alright, but she seemed a bit dodgy about it. I started to say "You look good" but only got as far as "You look--" before halting myself, as I realized she'd put on a bit of weight.

She interrupted my awkwardness. "It's okay, you don't have to say anything. I look like I'm three months pregnant."

"...are you?"

"Yep!" she smiled, but a hidden note of weariness could be heard her voice.

I started thinking 'Maybe I should know this already,' because I've been forced to play along when catching up with people, but realistically, I -- Todd -- have been out of the country since early June, and I think it takes a while to detect a pregnancy. So happily, this actually was the first time I was hearing about it.

So I continued. "So, is there a... like, a father, or a man... whose..." more awkwardness.

"Well, I am seeing someone, actually. Sean Flaherty. But it's not his."

Sean Flaherty? Damn that guy gets around. "So whose...?"

"Well, that's why I'm glad I saw you. It's yours, Todd."

What.

I felt my knees buckle. I leaned on a nearby garbage receptacle, I dropped my apples. How could this be possible? Three months ago I was in Connecticut. Three months ago, I was a woman. Three months ago, someone else was in control of my body, and that person definitely didn't seem interested in getting laid. I thought. My face flushed hot with confusion and fear and anger.

"Don't tell me you don't remember. I'd hate to think it was that boring for you."

Through clenched teeth I wheezed, "That whole time was kind of a blur..." (understatement.)

She explained, "Sean and I hadn't gotten back together yet, and you seemed really upset about something, but you never explained what. You were going on and on about your trip and how you weren't ready for something, and then you just kept babbling about how sweet and pretty I was, and it just... it just happened. Are you sure you don't remember?"

I barely managed to say "I... I remember things, sure."

The blood started to drain from my face as the reality of the situation washed over me. I asked, "Are you... planning on doing anything with it?"

She looked away. "I haven't decided whether I'm going to keep it yet, no. As you can guess, this probably isn't the right time for me to have a baby. But I wanted to make you aware before I reached my decision."

I could barely bring myself to form sentences. "Well... thanks for telling me. Um... keep me updated, I guess." I felt like my face was being held against the burner of a stove.

In a state of shock, I stumbled home hyperventilating and started pacing like a maniac. Bry was out so I called down to Florida to get the facts from Deb.

She answered the phone for the office supply place where she works. "Office Supplies, this is Amanda speaking." For those who don't recall, Deb and Amanda accidentally wound up in each other's bodies, which must have sucked, although not as much as this.

"Deb, it's Todd."

I proceeded to flip out on her, demanding to know why she didn't say anything, how she could be so irresponsible, basically venting all my rage at her. I was seriously in the mood to chew her out for being so irresponsible. She responded first by seeming extremely embarrassed by the whole situation, then by being offended I would call her at work for this, which is so completely not the issue.

Finally, she admitted that yes, she had had sex on at least one occasion with Erica, that she'd been a man, and a good, responsible, unassuming man for nearly a year but had let one night of frustration get the better of her, and she was negligent in securing birth control. And she apologized, but what good does that do me, since she doesn't have to live with the consequences?

Well there was nothing she could actually say that would calm me down, and since she was at work we had a limited window to talk, so I hung up feeling as frustrated or more than I already had. So I thought this blog might calm me down, and it hasn't.

How do you react to something like this? What the hell am I supposed to actually do? I've had enough problems trying to decide what I want to do with myself now that I have my life back, and it turns out I might be a dad? The kid is not even mine. But there's no way to tell her that.

I was hoping I could walk back into my life and pretend like none of this ever actually happened, but now the evidence is going to be there forever, if she keeps the kid.

Not good news at all.

-Todd