Now, this feels weird. The rest of Friday was, as you can imagine, quite hectic, explaining everything to Alia and then to that Cliff guy... or should I say Tori? Listen man, I feel your pain, but the physical thing really isn't that big a deal after a while. Living someone else's life can be stressful, but at least from what you told me, you're not expected to be married to anyone.
That was a drag.
But, well, I'm a free man again, I guess. I'm still incredibly bummed out about Alia being a man. I was really excited about getting back to the guy side of the guy-girl equation. I don't want to confuse the issue too much, but I was only interested in men as long as I had a vagina.
That said, it's been an awkward few days. There were some pretty girls kicking around Maine before we left but I was in too much shock to notice them, and I felt bad for those at the inn, like Cliff. She's a bit of a knockout, a small, thin thing. Petite. I'm sorry for saying so, but she's going to have to deal with it.
Being male again is just... a shocking experience. It's a little like losing a sense - going deaf or hard of smelling. I feel like part of the way I perceived the world for the past year had to do with my female anatomy and it's just... gone. Maybe female intuition is a real thing, or maybe this had nothing to do with it. At the same time, I feel like my body is coursing with power, with energy. Just from being tall and having thicker muscles.
George and Jan eventually found me and Bryan and invited me to help explain as best we could. I told him I'd rather not, but I'd come by for the support. They'd remained a couple - this time both white, this time George the woman and Jan the male. Not young, but certainly not as old as they were originally, so I guess their journey continues.
So Bry, Alia and I stood awkwardly in back while these two explained to the remaining crowd of 8 or so confused, scared people what had happened and how to proceed. The problem with explaining things is that people thing you had something to do with it, and they think you have all the answers. George has clearly been around a lot, but there are things nobody knows. (How or why the Inn does what it does, for starters, would be a big one.) The crowd got restless and dispersed still somewhat confused and now bitter about the whole ordeal. I felt bad for them.
I spent the rest of the day talking to Alia. god, it was weird, looking at that guy and trying to talk to him like he was the girl I've always known. But he humoured me, did his best not to make it too awkward (oh yes Alia sweetheart, I'm labeling you a "he" from now on.) I asked him if he was one of those women who curses their anatomy every so often and thought having a penis would be convenient.
He sighed and said that sometimes, sure, a lot of women feel that way, but rarely do they make it a legitimate desire. Women - I know firsthand - are often very in tune with their bodies. Lord knows they're all unique enough, and there's a lot going on that men (who have never been woman) simply don't understand. He continued to marvel at the notion I had lived for a year as a woman, impressed I had come through it alive and hoped I had learned.
I said I had, but more about growing up than, say, having a vagina. I might've learned the same lesson had I become Hal. Only then I'd have had to be a dentist. Hrm.
I told him not to give up, that it was surprisingly easy to "become" someone else, if you're left to your own devices a lot of the time. He said that still didn't sound appealing and I don't blame him. But he knows, from seeing me, how possible it is to come back, and we're counting on it.
He got this embarrassed look on his face. "Todd, I've slept with Sean Flaherty a few times over the last year. It started out as a ploy for your attention, but I guess... obviously it didn't work. I know we're not going to be together, not for a while, but if you meet someone, feel free to..."
I said, "God, Allie, no! You only banged Sean because you didn't know it wasn't me! I only banged Hal because I felt obligated to..."
"Please don't say 'banged.'"
"Whatever. My point is, if I do anything now, it'd be like cheating."
"That never stopped you before."
"Well, I'm... a new man." I declared boldly. That made him chuckle. Really it was more of a giggle, which was a tad unnerving.
"Todd, I can't say I'll make the same promise, I mean, while I'm Roberto. I just... I don't want you to miss out on stuff because of me. You haven't had a penis in a year!"
I didn't tell him this, but, I guess there's only one way to deal with that. See, I'm back in Connecticut today (checkout was Saturday) staying at "Julia" and "Kalli's" apartment while they return to Maine, because I still think I may be able to close up this Donna chapter, maybe without even doing anything serious with her.
But I guess I'm prepared to do that, too... I really don't intend to do anything with anyone else when we get back to Toronto, but Alia was right... I haven't been able to use my own penis is such a long time. It's pretty tempting.
I don't know how I'm gonna handle that yet, but, I'm sure I'll figure something out.
So, we parted ways on Saturday, leaving behind all the frilly underthings and purses and make-up that vexed us oh so long when we were ladies. Bryan folded up those little Ellie clothes and laughed. "holy shit dude - I was wearing this little thing two days ago?" It's been quite a ride. We also said goodbye to George and Jan, who appeared to inherit a pair of twin girls. There'd been a bickering couple kicking around the Inn for the last few days, and though I didn't ask, if I had guess from the way they interacted with each other I'd say this was them, which I guess is unfortunate... but then again this isn't exactly the lottery for anyone else.
So since there's nothing immediately waiting for me in Toronto, Bry and I are just kicking it in Connecticut for a while, then we might make a few more rounds. It's been a while since I looked in on Darren/Jaime, so we might do New York a little later, and then of course, Philly, to see "Rob" before heading back up north.
I'll keep you posted.