Tori C: Wonder Woman

Sometimes I feel like a superhero without any powers. Unless you count a nice set of breasts as a power (as some do.) The way I came to be who I am seems like something out of an old comic, something Stan Lee might've come up with if he was feeling especially perverse. Mild-mannered John Clifford spends a night in a cursed inn and wakes up with the ability to menstruate! Sigh.

I was considering getting out my "Sexy Robin Hood" costume again, but since I'm feeling more like a girl this year than last, I thought I'd try something different. And by different, I mean "feminine without being slutty."

We settled on a trio of comic heroines, at my insistence. Well, I would've picked the Wonder Woman costume without either of them going along with the theme, but they did want to theme it up, since I was going to actually go with them this year. Raine went as Supergirl, and Sara as Robin. I guess at various points there have been female Robins, but it seems weird to market it in an official manner. Then again... Sexy Robin Hood last year.

Actually, due to the chill, I wore some black tights under my star-panties... appropriately enough, Wonder Woman herself recently got some pants, although actually explaining this to people was tricky, so I let them chalk it up to not wanting to freeze my ass off.

It was nice to go out with the girls and dance and have fun and escape my own private relationship drama. Even though Leo and I hook up twice a week or so, we're still not comfortable with the idea of being in a relationship with each other, so we just leave it at that. I have to admit, every time I leave his place, I do feel guilty about participating in this without any real emotional investment. I'd love so much to have sex with a guy I felt I could spend time with.

A little while after our last meeting, Buddy dropped me an e-mail. It was long and rambly, but the gist of it was how much he missed spending time with me, and he felt there was something between us, and maybe I might like to try a long distance relationship. At least until he got back to Philly.

I was reading it, feeling this odd sense of excitement and disappointment, not unlike the feelings I first felt after transforming (as miserable as it was to transform, I can admit at least a little part of me thought how cool it was that this was even happening. Those were fleeting moments, but they happened.) How awesome, this guy I actually kinda like really does want to spend time with me, even after I was so bipolar toward him in the Spring. But all this experience with Leo has made me really want a physical relationship. Settling for long distance is something Cliff (the guy, not the, uh, remainder of him in me) would have settled for. It's selfish as hell, I know, but I'm not willing, right now, to put myself through the strain of long distance. I don't even know if I'm mature enough to handle it, or if I might get drunk on my own self-confidence and take his absence as a license to flirt, to shop around, hurt him even more than I already have. I mean, am I making any sense? Is it wrong to want to protect him this way? Or am I just a bitch?

I'm a bitch. I feel like one, anyway. I know how hard it is to be a man with bad luck with women and I still play that part instead of doing what I wish a girl would've done for me. I've got him twisting in the wind right now, saying only that I'm not willing to jump into something long distance... not that I'm not interested in him, and most definitely did not tell him that I'm currently having my needs satisfied.

Oh, Leo. I never know where I stand with that guy. He's not rude or mean or anything, he just seems so indifferent. I think this has already carried on longer than either of us expected it to, and maybe he's getting bored, but neither of us seems to want to stop. It's like... I used to work in this computer store, and every Thursday I'd oversee a shipment of hardware, and I'd make chit chat with the delivery guy, but I didn't want to go drinking with him, just wait until the next week to say hey what's up. So routine.

Well, when I put it that way, it seems totally unhealthy. And now Sara and Thom are fighting and spending time apart, while Raine and her Guy are getting more serious, the whole dynamic of our group is shifting.

So last night, the Halloween party, was a bit of measured chaos, where two of us were looking for guys but not looking to hook up. We found them, we danced, it was all pretty innocent. Then Thom showed up as Batman and they got back to pawing at each other, and suddenly it was like the last year hadn't passed, and I was back to being lonely Cliff in Tori's body. I was so disappointed in the evening... like, it wasn't a bad night, but I was just so emotional, that instead of calling Leo, I called Buddy, and we talked for an hour. And the question of starting a relationship never came up, we just talked. I swear, if I had some balls-- I mean guts, that is-- I would've just told him I'd be willing to try. But right now I'm not willing to give up what I've got and try something new. I suck at this.

Sorry for ranting. I'm all over the place. I've been composing this post over a whole evening while taking care of trick or treaters.

Cliff/Tori: Boyfriends & Girlfriends part one

I haven't posted in a while, because stuff has kept piling up in my life, and I wasn't sure what to say about it. Even now, some of my issues are ongoing, so talking about them feels like maybe the story will change by the time I'm done telling it. But for now, I just want to get as much of it off my back as I can.

On the Fourth of July, Sara, Thom, Raine, Guy and I went out to the Jersey coast for a beach day. It was hot and crowded, but everywhere was. Plus, in such a large crowd, I felt less self-conscious about baring skin than I usually do. Out of a desire to girl it up, I opted for a strapless bikini, which I regretted during the numerous times I felt like I was going to pop out of it. Yikes.

I should note that we asked Cyndi and Leo along, but we've been seeing less and less of them lately. None of us really knows what's up with them, but we're guessing they're not so close anymore.

Sara and Thom went off on their own. Raine and Guy stayed in one spot, but mostly put on an impressive bout of PDA. See, here's the thing. Since Buddy left, Raine and Guy have been all over each other. Apparently, they toned down their displays because they didn't want to be insensitive to Buddy, whom they knew wasn't getting anything off me. But apparently it's okay to put on these long groping matches for my benefit, because I should be used to it.

That's the part of having Tori's life that I hate. I can't argue that she should be used to that crap, and she's probably done plenty of it in her life, so any objections I have are not taken seriously. I am, after all, a self-conscious computer geek with the body of a cute hairdresser, although it's been a long time since I thought of myself that way instead of just "me."

I thought about leaving and finding my own spot to read and tan, but as I've learned, a single girl in a bikini is pretty much a signal to all the jerks of the world to flock over. I spent a fair bit on the morning being chatted up by a dude with a pretty impressive body, but nothing interesting to say. I know it's weird that I just said that, (even after a year) but I had to admit it. Good looking guy. But boring and annoying as hell.

I eventually managed to ditch him and go grab some food. I got in line behind a cute girl (hey, I can admit that too!) And that's when I exercised one of the benefits of this body.

I struck up a conversation with her.

Now, let me be clear. She wasn't gorgeous, but who really is? She was petite, with a cute face, and a nice tan. I needed somebody to talk to, so I just said it. "So, the creeps are really out today, huh?"

She smiled, "Oh God, I know. I usually have a boyfriend to fend them off, but he's off with 'the guys.'" She said this dismissively. I played along, like yeah, how dare they spend time with their friends instead of us ladies. It's kind of sad to me how my relationships with men are mostly predicated on whether they're dating one of my friends, or whether they want to get with me. She suggested we stick together, since there's strength in numbers.

Then I started having one of those "Wow, I'm really not Cliff anymore" moments, because as a guy I would've been too overwhelmed (by my hormones) to really function after that, but it was cool. I mean, shit, I really am a girl now, I get along really well with girls, and I don't feel nervous and intimidated by them anymore. They see me as one of their own, judge me accordingly, and I've gotten very comfortable acting the part.

After we ate, we laid out and tanned a while, and then she encouraged me to get involved in a playful game of tag with some excitable college boys and some other girls. It was fun, until one of them started to get handsy. I scolded him about it and he seemed sincerely apologetic, but then got up to the same tricks with another girl... and she was more receptive.

By the end of the day, tired and tanlined, I said goodbye to my new friend as she met up with her boyfriend, leaving me with a sad reminder that I might continue to be alone for a while, no matter how I look. Left back to my lonesome, I also parted with my friends to follow up on a deal I had made with my brother Ken to have dinner with him and his fiancee Jana (after putting on some real clothes, of course.)

She made pasta salad with chicken. She's a really good cook, actually, although she's still a little dull in conversation. I faked my way through a discussion about our childhood with Ken, and there were a few times when I guess I slipped up because I misremembered details from Tori's diaries. I kept having to fall back on my "I can barely remember those days" excuse, which gets less and less believable the more recent the topic.

Jana went to bed early. Ken and I stayed up and watch a movie - I had to convince him that "Shaun of the Dead" was something I would, in fact, now enjoy. I fell asleep on the couch and he left me.

At 2 AM, I woke up to the sounds of Jana squealing in the bedroom. What is it about this family and their loud sexual habits? I don't know. I had to pretend like I didn't hear it the next morning over breakfast, but when Ken was giving me a lift back to Philly, I eventually slipped up and started teasing him about it.

He was a good sport about it. "We're close, Vic," he says, using my 'family nickname,' "So it's okay if we talk about it, but please, please never tell me if you know anything about Mae's sex life. As far as I'm concerned, she's still 12."

We joked around for the rest of the ride. I'll finish the story later.

Cliff/Tori: Retail therapy

I was out at the mall with Raine on Saturday, and we ran into my co-worker Cyndi and her boyfriend Leo.

Leo looked exhausted. The poor guy was clearly being dragged from store to store while Cyndi tried on outfits and browsed the racks, and in my secretly-male way, I had sympathy. But even so, it put me in mind of exactly how much things have changed for me since, well, the change.

In my real/original/actual/male life, as I've said, I was never that good with women. In fact, I was downright scared of them, and for some reason the fear of rejection seemed like the worst possible outcome of any interaction. Sometimes, I overcompensated, usually at the behest of my friend Justin, but it wasn't a good fit for me (as Alia will recall from our first meeting, when I tried to get into bed with her. Back when Alia WAS a her.)

I remember being dragged around from store to store by my last girlfriend. It was a rocky relationship because we were celibate and I was, well, I was okay with it, but I'm not going to pretend it wasn't the source of some tension, especially after a few years. I was still dating her when I saw that movie The 40-Year-Old Virgin, and I was always -- hell, still am -- worried that I'd end up like that.

Back when I was still myself, I would see a guy like Leo, groaning and rolling his eyes at his girl's shopping, waiting patiently while she compiles potential outfits, and I'd sympathize, but also be bitter. I knew the feeling, but it was far away: and soon the only thought would be "At least you have someone, man."

And now? Now, I shop a lot like Cyndi, although not with as much, uh, enthusiasm. And I think most girls appreciate their Men's patience, so hang in there, Leo, and all guys like Leo. I know we can be very trying. And I don't even care about singlehood, because in my position, it's a damn downright benefit.

Did I just say I shop a lot like Cyndi? Yes. I'm not exactly a fashionista, or whatever you'd call it, but I'm quite fascinated by the number of different styles and fabrics and combos available to women. Skirts, pants, tights, jeans, tops, blouses, button-ups, camis, sweaters... I don't buy a lot, but I do like to look. There's an art to it, or maybe it's a science, figuring out a good outfit, that I never really thought much of as a guy, but when your body has curves to accentuate (or downplay) you think about these things, because comfort and confidence become serious issues. At a certain point several months ago I dedicated myself to being a girl who took pride in her appearance, and it's stuck.

That's not to say I'm capable of doing this on my own. Maybe Raine and Sara think it's odd what an influence they have on me, but their advice and direction has been invaluable. Most of what I buy, I show to them, and ask "Do you think this would go with that? Wouldn't this look cute?" It was definitely a surreal moment when I found out, according to Raine, I have good taste in colors. Go figure!

I was trying on some outfits in the store when I had one of those "This is so weird how normal this feels" moments. Slipping a dress on. Being in my bra and panties. Seeing myself in the mirror. The urge to look hasn't even really hit me that much lately, because I've gotten so used to what's there. And for a moment I thought "Is this right?" but I realized it can't possibly be wrong to feel good about the way you look, regardless what gender you are. I mean, I felt pretty okay about the way I looked as a guy, and I assume I will again. This is just... coping. Right?

Anyway. The whole shopping exercise was therapeutic because I've been dealing with some stress all month. I don't think Buddy's getting the hint that I don't want to date him. As much sympathy as I have for him, I just want to scream whenever he e-mails me to check on my plans for the weekend. He's even managed to tag along on a few group outings, due to his friendship with Raine's Guy. Now that they're getting serious, I'm pretty much the only single girl in a group of 5-7 (depending whether Cyndi and Leo are around)... and whenever Buddy comes by, it just gets that much more awkward. We haven't talked seriously about any of it, I just keep putting him off.

It's still nearly 2 months until I go back to Maine. I feel like I'm going to have to deal with this in the meantime, because the anxiety of having him checking in on me is starting to get to me. It's sad, too, because he's otherwise a nice guy. Just can't take a hint.

Cliff/Tori: The Lost Girl

There's something I want to tell you guys about. It happened before my last post, right before Greg found out about his body maybe going missing. I described that time as being "just a good time to be Cliff being Tori."

I was actually going to write about it when I logged on and read Greg's post, which really put me out of the mood.

Things had been going well in life. It was all a blur of fun bar nights, guys trying unsuccessfully to pick me up, movie nights, the occasional visit with Alia, and of course, more than a few private nights to myself.

This is my guilty pleasure. I shut the door to my room, and as quickly as I want, I can be naked, or down to my bra and panties. Man, when I was a guy, what I wouldn't have done to have complete access to a woman's body, in person. And now that I do, I'm just a little ashamed to admit how much liberty I've taken with it. As you know, I've gotten very comfortable taking things into my own hands. That's no secret. And hell, there's probably a bunch of you who would rather I just write about that.

But that's only part of being Tori, for me. I'd probably go insane with loneliness if that's all I did, because in my old life, well, it kind of was. With all the tools at my disposal, sometimes seems like I could be doing anything.

So this was Friday, April 1st. The day after Greg had posted his post, but before I'd read it. Raine, in her infinite boy-craziness, had arranged herself a date, and wanted me to come along to meet the guy's friend.

Oh, there's always a friend. This sounds bitchy coming from a girl, but from the male perspective, Tori is more attractive than Raine. I've put on some pounds since getting this body, due to lack of exercise, but I'm not a big eater, so it's balanced okay. All the original clothes that came with it still fit, with a couple exceptions. Raine is pretty in a curvy kind of way, and always looks more feminine than me anyway (deliberately on my part,) so I shoo the guys over to her and they forget about me pretty quickly. But oh, there's always a friend.

I know this, because when my best friend Justin and I would hit the bars, I was that friend. The difference is, I'd end up with the Raine while Justin took the Tori home. Having to meet so many of these guys has really put things into perspective for me. Either they stammer and have nothing to talk about, or they're boring and self-absorbed. Raine goes for Spencer Pratt wannabes, pretty boys, which I'm starting to resent, because of how nuts she goes for them.

But this was different. Raine's guy (I'll call him Guy,) is an environmental activist, with hippie-looking shoulder-length hair and a soulpatch. A real sensitive type. I'd met him once, but only heard about the friend.

Raine's Guy's Buddy (I'll call him Buddy) looked more like that guy from Weezer, with the short hair and the glasses. You know, "I look just like Buddy Holly." Alia probably knows the guy's name, but he's not online right now. Part of the reason I went along with Raine's double date is that they were going bowling, which I love. Justin and I were actually in a league in college, but since I've been Tori, my few attempts have been embarrassing because I keep failing at compensating for my altered center of gravity and anatomy (ie boobs throw me off balance.)

Anyway, since it was a pretty casual affair, I didn't have to dress up or anything, which meant capris (Philly was quite warm that week) and a fitted tee. My hair, I pulled back into a ponytail... I've just been letting it grow wild all winter. I should see a stylist before I go back to Maine but I don't know where to start with that.

So Buddy. seemed like a nice enough guy, and only glanced briefly at my breasts to start with. I asking him at first if he was into the environment like his friend, but he just shrugged his shoulders, "I mean, it's good for him, but I'm no activist or anything. I'm in webdesign." I engaged him in conversation about computers, and he paid me the respect of not treating me like I was weird for wanting to do so (admittedly our areas of expertise differ, but it was still neat not to have to pretend I'm just a dumb girl.)

"So are you a good bowler?" he asked.

I told him, "Oh, I used to be, before I got these," gesturing to my breasts.

"Oh, you can just use those to your advantage and distract your opponent."

I can't believe I laughed at that. Just a little. That's like, the oldest one in the boob joke book.

He wasn't awkward, but he wasn't cocky either. He didn't really act like it was a date, and admitted afterward, that like me, he was wary of fix-ups, and just wanted to have fun. He didn't even make any awkward attempts at handsiness as we all proceeded to drink, which put him way up in the win column over the other losers I've been forced to hang out with. The fact that we seemed to share the same sense of humor and like the same movies and that he's the first single guy I've been introduced to who didn't seem to be trying to impress me also worked in his favor. He'd get a gutter ball, point back at me and yell out, "That one was for you!"

At the end of the hour of bowling, we'd split a couple of pitchers between the four of us, and were thus all feeling quite giddy. Raine pulled me aside and asked, "What do you think of Buddy?" I told her, "He's pretty cool."

"So you like him?"

"Yeah, I mean... I don't know."

I was stammering to proclaim not like that but couldn't get it out when she said "You should go to his place."

"Uh, what?"

"Just go home with him, Tori. Give him a shot. It's been like a year since you've gotten any action and it's making you weird. I'm just trying to be a friend."

On another night, with another guy, I probably would have just blown her off and said she didn't know what she was talking about. But Buddy and I were hitting it off more than I have with any guy. For a second I thought to myself, "going home with him is like promising I'll... you know." But I realized it didn't have to. I felt like there was some way I could get out of going all the way -- which, as much as I liked the guy, I didn't want.

So we took the SEPTA bus back to his place. It was only Midnight by that point and I tend to get very keyed up late at night due to my odd hours. "If you see a girl's shoe around here, don't worry. I live with my sister, but she's at her boyfriend's tonight."

He brought us each a beer and grabbed his laptop to show me some funny YouTube videos he'd described earlier in the night. He set the computer up on the coffee table and we hunched over it on the couch. We had to sort of lean into each other to get a good view of the screen. I had my hand on his shoulder to steady myself. And then he kissed me. Just turned his head and planted a quick one on my lips.

I say that, but... it's not like he surprised me with it. Right when he did it, I was thinking to myself "I could totally see myself kissing him right now." So when he did it, just a quick peck to test it out, to give me a chance to push him away and storm out, I just kissed him back. Soon we had our arms around each other and he laid me back on the couch and we just started making out. I kept my hands on his sides while he pawed away at me -- and, okay, that felt awkward, but it was his reward for getting me this far along. Pretty soon, I could tell he was getting hard, and even found myself considering examining the evidence firsthand, but I chose to ignore it while he unclasped my bra and helped himself.

I could feel myself losing control, but I ignored the sirens in my head by slipping my top off over my head. He began to kiss my breasts while his hands went further and further south. And by the time they found their way to their destination, when I felt the initial jolt of his fingers, and it made me moan in a way I never have before. That was the point of no return.

And that's when I hit the brakes.

"Stop, stop, stop, stop," I gasped.

He did and looked up at me. "What's wrong?"

"I'm just... not ready. Too fast." He looked dismayed, but understanding. I elaborated. "You're a great guy and everything, but I'm just not up for this right now. I think I should go."

"The buses have stopped running by now," he reasoned, "I mean, even if we're not gonna -- and that's perfectly fine -- you might as well just stay the night."

"Yeah, that sounds fine," I sighed, putting my top back on. "I can sleep out here, no problem."

"Sure, I'll get you a blanket..."

So I tried to fall asleep for a few hours, sexually frustrated, with Alia's words ringing in my ears, along with all the confusion and guilt that goes along with this little adventure.

I woke up the next morning before he did, but in full view of his sister, who was sitting at the table eating breakfast. When she caught sight of me getting up to leave, I felt like a deer in the headlights, until she just pointed to the corner and said, "Don't forget your bra." Embarrassed, I picked it up, stuffed it in my purse, and hightailed it out of there.

Then when I tried to log on to put it all in order, Greg came on with his story, and it really hit home. So I felt too ashamed to tell it. It just sort of sent me the message that, if I don't go back to my real body, this is my possible future.

He sent me an e-mail a while later, apologizing for being so forward. I have a response drafted up telling him it's all right, but I haven't sent it because I'm just not sure what I want to say... I don't want to lead him on, but if I have to let him down I'd better just do it. It's pretty obvious he has no idea what went wrong. No matter how much you try, it seems like someone's always gonna get hurt.

The whole "abstinence" thing just isn't as easy when people actually want you.