Sunday, April 18, 2010

Cliff/Tori: The Lost Girl

There's something I want to tell you guys about. It happened before my last post, right before Greg found out about his body maybe going missing. I described that time as being "just a good time to be Cliff being Tori."

I was actually going to write about it when I logged on and read Greg's post, which really put me out of the mood.

Things had been going well in life. It was all a blur of fun bar nights, guys trying unsuccessfully to pick me up, movie nights, the occasional visit with Alia, and of course, more than a few private nights to myself.

This is my guilty pleasure. I shut the door to my room, and as quickly as I want, I can be naked, or down to my bra and panties. Man, when I was a guy, what I wouldn't have done to have complete access to a woman's body, in person. And now that I do, I'm just a little ashamed to admit how much liberty I've taken with it. As you know, I've gotten very comfortable taking things into my own hands. That's no secret. And hell, there's probably a bunch of you who would rather I just write about that.

But that's only part of being Tori, for me. I'd probably go insane with loneliness if that's all I did, because in my old life, well, it kind of was. With all the tools at my disposal, sometimes seems like I could be doing anything.

So this was Friday, April 1st. The day after Greg had posted his post, but before I'd read it. Raine, in her infinite boy-craziness, had arranged herself a date, and wanted me to come along to meet the guy's friend.

Oh, there's always a friend. This sounds bitchy coming from a girl, but from the male perspective, Tori is more attractive than Raine. I've put on some pounds since getting this body, due to lack of exercise, but I'm not a big eater, so it's balanced okay. All the original clothes that came with it still fit, with a couple exceptions. Raine is pretty in a curvy kind of way, and always looks more feminine than me anyway (deliberately on my part,) so I shoo the guys over to her and they forget about me pretty quickly. But oh, there's always a friend.

I know this, because when my best friend Justin and I would hit the bars, I was that friend. The difference is, I'd end up with the Raine while Justin took the Tori home. Having to meet so many of these guys has really put things into perspective for me. Either they stammer and have nothing to talk about, or they're boring and self-absorbed. Raine goes for Spencer Pratt wannabes, pretty boys, which I'm starting to resent, because of how nuts she goes for them.

But this was different. Raine's guy (I'll call him Guy,) is an environmental activist, with hippie-looking shoulder-length hair and a soulpatch. A real sensitive type. I'd met him once, but only heard about the friend.

Raine's Guy's Buddy (I'll call him Buddy) looked more like that guy from Weezer, with the short hair and the glasses. You know, "I look just like Buddy Holly." Alia probably knows the guy's name, but he's not online right now. Part of the reason I went along with Raine's double date is that they were going bowling, which I love. Justin and I were actually in a league in college, but since I've been Tori, my few attempts have been embarrassing because I keep failing at compensating for my altered center of gravity and anatomy (ie boobs throw me off balance.)

Anyway, since it was a pretty casual affair, I didn't have to dress up or anything, which meant capris (Philly was quite warm that week) and a fitted tee. My hair, I pulled back into a ponytail... I've just been letting it grow wild all winter. I should see a stylist before I go back to Maine but I don't know where to start with that.

So Buddy. seemed like a nice enough guy, and only glanced briefly at my breasts to start with. I asking him at first if he was into the environment like his friend, but he just shrugged his shoulders, "I mean, it's good for him, but I'm no activist or anything. I'm in webdesign." I engaged him in conversation about computers, and he paid me the respect of not treating me like I was weird for wanting to do so (admittedly our areas of expertise differ, but it was still neat not to have to pretend I'm just a dumb girl.)

"So are you a good bowler?" he asked.

I told him, "Oh, I used to be, before I got these," gesturing to my breasts.

"Oh, you can just use those to your advantage and distract your opponent."

I can't believe I laughed at that. Just a little. That's like, the oldest one in the boob joke book.

He wasn't awkward, but he wasn't cocky either. He didn't really act like it was a date, and admitted afterward, that like me, he was wary of fix-ups, and just wanted to have fun. He didn't even make any awkward attempts at handsiness as we all proceeded to drink, which put him way up in the win column over the other losers I've been forced to hang out with. The fact that we seemed to share the same sense of humor and like the same movies and that he's the first single guy I've been introduced to who didn't seem to be trying to impress me also worked in his favor. He'd get a gutter ball, point back at me and yell out, "That one was for you!"

At the end of the hour of bowling, we'd split a couple of pitchers between the four of us, and were thus all feeling quite giddy. Raine pulled me aside and asked, "What do you think of Buddy?" I told her, "He's pretty cool."

"So you like him?"

"Yeah, I mean... I don't know."

I was stammering to proclaim not like that but couldn't get it out when she said "You should go to his place."

"Uh, what?"

"Just go home with him, Tori. Give him a shot. It's been like a year since you've gotten any action and it's making you weird. I'm just trying to be a friend."

On another night, with another guy, I probably would have just blown her off and said she didn't know what she was talking about. But Buddy and I were hitting it off more than I have with any guy. For a second I thought to myself, "going home with him is like promising I'll... you know." But I realized it didn't have to. I felt like there was some way I could get out of going all the way -- which, as much as I liked the guy, I didn't want.

So we took the SEPTA bus back to his place. It was only Midnight by that point and I tend to get very keyed up late at night due to my odd hours. "If you see a girl's shoe around here, don't worry. I live with my sister, but she's at her boyfriend's tonight."

He brought us each a beer and grabbed his laptop to show me some funny YouTube videos he'd described earlier in the night. He set the computer up on the coffee table and we hunched over it on the couch. We had to sort of lean into each other to get a good view of the screen. I had my hand on his shoulder to steady myself. And then he kissed me. Just turned his head and planted a quick one on my lips.

I say that, but... it's not like he surprised me with it. Right when he did it, I was thinking to myself "I could totally see myself kissing him right now." So when he did it, just a quick peck to test it out, to give me a chance to push him away and storm out, I just kissed him back. Soon we had our arms around each other and he laid me back on the couch and we just started making out. I kept my hands on his sides while he pawed away at me -- and, okay, that felt awkward, but it was his reward for getting me this far along. Pretty soon, I could tell he was getting hard, and even found myself considering examining the evidence firsthand, but I chose to ignore it while he unclasped my bra and helped himself.

I could feel myself losing control, but I ignored the sirens in my head by slipping my top off over my head. He began to kiss my breasts while his hands went further and further south. And by the time they found their way to their destination, when I felt the initial jolt of his fingers, and it made me moan in a way I never have before. That was the point of no return.

And that's when I hit the brakes.

"Stop, stop, stop, stop," I gasped.

He did and looked up at me. "What's wrong?"

"I'm just... not ready. Too fast." He looked dismayed, but understanding. I elaborated. "You're a great guy and everything, but I'm just not up for this right now. I think I should go."

"The buses have stopped running by now," he reasoned, "I mean, even if we're not gonna -- and that's perfectly fine -- you might as well just stay the night."

"Yeah, that sounds fine," I sighed, putting my top back on. "I can sleep out here, no problem."

"Sure, I'll get you a blanket..."

So I tried to fall asleep for a few hours, sexually frustrated, with Alia's words ringing in my ears, along with all the confusion and guilt that goes along with this little adventure.

I woke up the next morning before he did, but in full view of his sister, who was sitting at the table eating breakfast. When she caught sight of me getting up to leave, I felt like a deer in the headlights, until she just pointed to the corner and said, "Don't forget your bra." Embarrassed, I picked it up, stuffed it in my purse, and hightailed it out of there.

Then when I tried to log on to put it all in order, Greg came on with his story, and it really hit home. So I felt too ashamed to tell it. It just sort of sent me the message that, if I don't go back to my real body, this is my possible future.

He sent me an e-mail a while later, apologizing for being so forward. I have a response drafted up telling him it's all right, but I haven't sent it because I'm just not sure what I want to say... I don't want to lead him on, but if I have to let him down I'd better just do it. It's pretty obvious he has no idea what went wrong. No matter how much you try, it seems like someone's always gonna get hurt.

The whole "abstinence" thing just isn't as easy when people actually want you.

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