Tori: Christmas is here again

This is my fourth Christmas as a woman. This year, because there's not a ton going on in my life, I found myself thinking back to the first one.

I remember the stress of getting presents for a "family" that still felt largely like strangers, or at most recent acquaintances. I remember drilling the "real" Tori for ideas for mom and my brother Ken and my relief that I could relate somewhat to my new tech-loving dad and tomboyish sister Mae.

I remember having to feign excitement on Christmas morning as I opened boxes of cosmetics and fashions and jewellery that reminded me how uncomfortable I was in my new body, how the world wanted me to look, how much I didn't know. It was intimidating and scary and frustrating and annoying... and because I was "playing" Tori, I had to smile.

Then a little later I took it all out and laid all the clothes out on my bed and thought how it wasn't any different from what I was already wearing... clothes are clothes, after all, and even more, these would be clothes that the first Tori never wore, stuff that was all mine from the first go, picked out for me by someone with a better sense than I had. It was like how I went shopping with Karen when I visited her down in Louisville.

I'm still not exactly a fashionista, but I at least enjoy buying clothes, and I certainly don't mind dressing up now and again, if the situation calls for it. Most importantly, I enjoy, rather than resent, getting them as gifts. As a man I didn't need much in the way of new clothing, and it's still true that most of the year if I know I want something I buy it for myself... but the unexpected upside to the world of women is that there are always more clothes and accessories. Once I would have thought they were just for frivolous, style-obsessed girly girls, but even basic chicks like me can appreciate a nice-fitting top or a cool scarf.

It's taken a few years, but I've finally gotten the hang of these extended family gatherings... there were so many uncles and aunts and cousins I just never saw often enough to learn their names. It's been long enough that cousins who were just tweens when I met them are blossoming into wonderful gawky teens.

When Ken and Jana arrived with the baby, the family all congregated around to hear their tales of new parenthood. I'll admit, I love them as much as anything in this whole world but I've seen a lot of them lately, and I've heard all the stories, and they had a lot of people to catch up with, so I excused myself to the basement to idly putter around.

Surprisingly, I was followed by my sister Mae. One of my early great memories was from that first Christmas, bonding with Ken. Mae and I have gotten closer, but she remains elusive. I've been wrapped up in my own life too, so I don't blame her, that I don't really know what's going on with her.

I welcomed her into the rec room and cracked her a beer. "Don't tell anyone I gave you this."

"Everyone knows I drink," she said.

"Yeah, but I'm not supposed to approve."

"So how are you doing?" she asked, "With the breakup and all."

A few years ago she wouldn't have asked, except to bait me for snark, but she seemed genuinely interested. "Honestly? I don't know. Alex and I left things off on such a... weird note. But I miss him."

"Think you'd get back together?" she swigged.

"Out of the question. The reason we broke up... well, he wasn't who I thought he was. There were things between us that can't be undone. I have to move forward. But it's weird... none of that changes the way I feel about him, and somehow that's worse."

"You and your drama," she said. "If you like someone, just stay with them. Figure it out."

"Some things are more important than one guy or another," I told her with a smile, "And believe me, when it comes down to it, as much as I liked him... loved him... that's all he was. One guy. There was only so much... there was only so far I was willing to go to be with him. What he wanted, no guy is worth."

"And what was that?"

"Hm.... I don't know," I admitted. "Control, I think."

We talked a bit longer before finally being called back for dinner and other shenanigans. In my happy, drunken phase, I found myself wondering about the new - that is, the real - Alex, what he was doing with that life. It wouldn't be too hard for me to find him, I know he's still out there... but I convinced myself it would be selfish and perverse to assume I had any place in his life just because I dated someone who looked like him.

Then just as I was getting used to the idea of moving on, I found out one more thing. Sara and Thom bought a house in Delaware. These two people I've known almost as long as I've been this person, are headed out into the world to start their lives together. They're the same age as this body and considerably younger than my old one... but they're ready. And I'm nowhere near that. And that's just been nagging at me. I hope I haven't just been wasting my time, you know? The extra years I got from becoming Tori. I have to remember that I'm not really as old as I feel... I've still got time. There's a lot of fun I can have.

Tori: Taking stock

I've been Tori for two and a half years now. I'm a sore girl. My left ankle and knee get pained sometimes from the fact that I still occasionally roll it when I wear heels. My wrists and fingers hurt more as a woman than they ever did as a man from typing. I threw out my shoulder one time from a particularly enthusiastic lovemaking session. Sometimes I wake up with a backache from the heft of my boobs, and when I get my period my breasts get really tender and sore, along with the usual cramping pain. Every so often I notice myself gaining a little pooch belly, compared to the flat tummy I had when I first became a she, when I'm not careful what I eat or when I neglect the gym. I'm still growing out my hair from when I cut it off last year, because even though it was low maintenance, I prefer it long.

I'm saying all this not to complain about my body, but because I love it. This body has changed a bit since I got it, and I've changed with it. And I'm not the only one. My little sister, Mae, was a cynical, introverted teenager who was resentful of her big sis and suspicious of everyone else. Now she's a beautiful, capable young woman who trusts me enough to confide things she can't tell our parents. I've moved in with my best friend, Raine, and seen my other, Sara, get engaged... to a guy she started dating when I first got here!

The biggest change happened just before Christmas. Well, that's not when it "happened," but it's when I found out about it. That was when my big brother Kenny, and his wife Jana (hey, I was a bridesmaid at their wedding!) announced they are three months pregnant. I'm going to be Aunt Tori.

I'm amazed. I'm thrilled. I'm gonna be such a cool aunt. It's incredible to see these people maturing before my eyes, a life I was dropped into almost at random and hit the ground running.

And then there's me... shedding so much of my old life wouldn't have been easy if I didn't feel like I fit so well in this one. And it didn't always fit and there was a time, I'll always remember, there was a time when I wanted nothing more than to go back, and now there's nothing I'd want less. I'm comfortable. I see everyone I know getting on with their lives, and for a second I think there's more I could be doing, but I remember that secretly, unbeknownst to everyone in my life, I have built an entire life in three short years. I'm proud of myself. I'm also proud that I found someone like Alex.

Alex, oh, Alex. I told you I love him. I never expected, even if I could "put up with" being in a relationship with a man, that I'd fall this far, but he's exactly who I want to be with. More than being smart and funny, he seems to "get" me... as much as I can be "gotten." He knows not to push things I don't want to talk about. He goes along with my sometimes inexplicable moods. I never thought this as a guy, but there are people who truly see us for what we are.

Geez, I just read over this whole thing and it sounds so cheezy. Seriously, this is why I don't post much anymore. It's wonderfully domestic, but it doesn't make for exciting reading.

Tori C: A rough night for Victoria and her Buddy

When I got to New York, I was definitely expecting Buddy to be surprised at my new hairstyle, but I didn't expect him to flip out about it. I mean, it seems so innocent. It's just hair, it's not what defines me, it's not who I am. In fact, having short hair might make me more myself.

But when I took off my hat (a silly wool cap with ear flaps) and he saw what had happened, he just stared a while. "Well, that's... wow."

"Cute, right?"

He winced. "Uh, maybe? I don't know."

"What do you mean you don't know? Everyone else has said it's nice."

"Well everyone else isn't dating you. I kinda would've liked a head's up at least."

"What's the big deal? It's just hair!"

Then he goes off on this whole thing about communication and trust and whatever, and how we're long distance so we should be paying special attention to that kind of thing because he can't be near me all the time -- and when I ask him just what is that supposed to mean, he says to drop it, it was a poor choice of words. I don't push the issue, but it still sticks with me.

I told him I didn't tell him because it was spur of the moment, and if I'd spent time talking to anyone about it, I probably wouldn't have done it, even though I'm happy with it. He insists I should have, and accuses me of making "a lot" of spur-of-the-moment decisions lately. Leaving my job, moving in with Raine. I guess he feels like we're on shaky ground. It seemed like neither of us could say the right thing, because I told him not to be insecure, and that sent him off into the snow for a few hours.

I had already called Ken to see if I could crash on their couch, if this fight was going to last all night, but I wanted him to come back first. I ordered up some food to tide me over since the two of us were clearly not eating together. He came back around 7, drunk, but I guess he hadn't eaten since he was mad I hadn't ordered anything for him.

I tried to apologize, but things just got worse until I finally just had to leave. I was in tears again, worrying about fucking up my first serious relationship as a girl right when it was starting to get good.

Ken and Jana were just about ready to get to bed by the time I arrived. And so was I, so I laid out on the couch with a comforter and tried to get some rest. Before I fell asleep, I heard a buzz in my purse. A text message from Buddy.

"I'm so sorry. I love you so much."

That hit like a fist in the face, and I spent so much time staring at it, trying to figure out what I wanted to say in response that I fell asleep without answering.

It didn't come up again the next day when we met up for breakfast, at this little corner cafe we like. Mostly we just talked about the future. In February, I'm starting night courses in computer repair -- it isn't anything I need to re-learn, but nobody knows that. Mainly I just want to brush up and get certified. It's a 6-week course and then I'll probably be able to get a job and just go on living my life.

That's when he told me he was moving around again. He's got a new gig in Houston, and if he's lucky it might become permanent. I went stone cold at this. If we were having this much trouble with him just a state over, how were we going to do with half a country between us?

Then he told me he was thinking, if it turns permanent, and we're in a good place, how would I feel about moving to Houston with him?

And I just didn't know what to think about it. Uproot myself again, leave this city, leave the family, commit, and basically give up the option to become Cliff again? I mean, I am basically done with that life, but I guess I just thought it would make an effective back-up plan if I ever needed it. I haven't even heard from Willie in months. Last I heard he was in England still.

I told him we'd see what happened. It's a possibility. But deep down it really feels like just too much to handle. To completely base my lie around this relationship? That would be different.

We went to the bus depot, and he told me to think about it and I said I would. I gave him a big hug and a kiss -- his lips were ice cold but his breath was so warm. We just stood there a while in our winter coats, holding each other, and he said to me, "Have a nice trip, Vic."

I looked up at him. He's never called me Vic before. I asked him where that came from and he said, "Your family all calls you Vic. I thought maybe I could call you that, too. Maybe since you're changing your life, you might like a new name. New haircut, new identity."

I smiled. It was a little bit of a dig, but kinda sweet also? Like, mean but also being cute, after all, it's a guy's name, and he makes it a point to remind me any time I do or say anything guyish, including my short hair. I told him it was all right if he wanted to keep calling me that. I've learned not to get too attached to names. You never know when you might wake up with a new one.

I kissed him on the cheek and told him goodbye. I spent the whole ride home wondering what Vic was gonna do next.

Tori C: Bedpost Notches

There were a few occasions when I did sleep with Leo -- I mean spend the whole night. They were rare and I always felt like he didn't want me there, like he didn't want someone in his bed with him, which is why I didn't do it often. He never seemed comfortable, like he was just one twitch away from waking up, and he tossed and turned a lot, keeping me up. As a result, those few times we did sleep together didn't feel very... romantic.

The first time I slept with Buddy, it was different. He slept naturally, like we belonged in the bed together. I think when we woke up, we sensed the difference.

We went out to breakfast and he seemed utterly elated by the step forward we'd taken. "Can you believe how much time we wasted?" he said, "All this time we could have... we could have been together! Instead we just wasted more time being lonely and miserable. we should've just gotten over ourselves sooner." I still haven't told him about Leo. I don't sense that he needs to know. He might react badly, whereas if I don't tell him, it's just, well, another pointless thing I don't tell him about myself.

Cutting it off with Leo was one of the loose ends I needed to tie up last month after Buddy and I became more or less official. I had been putting him off for weeks hoping he's get the message, but every few days, I'd get a text, "Hey, you busy?"

Finally, the Thursday after Buddy and I hooked up in New York, he texted me again and I responded, "I think we're done."

The answer back? A few minutes later, a simple "Yeah, guess so. K."

That "K" really bothered me. What was it doing there? Shouldn't he be upset about this? Aren't I hot? Aren't I a decent enough partner? If he was just looking for something casual, was I not as casual as it gets? Maybe too casual since I barely was speaking to him by the end! Ugh, that's what's so frustrating. What a waste of time. Maybe I was telling myself I had to keep going with it because it would hurt both of us to break it off, but apparently not. I'm not hurt at all, but... I was annoyed as hell about it.

But of course I had something to take my mind off it, my next weekend excursion to NYC. Funds are tight, but I'm living a cheap lifestyle so I can afford frequent trips. There was just one thing I hadn't counted on... my parents.

As a 24-year-old girl, they're pretty understanding of my boundaries, and haven't really said anything about my frequent late night trips out to see Leo or to go drinking with Sara and Raine. They're more concerned with Mae, and only police my behavior so far as they want to make sure I don't give Mae the idea it's okay to stay out late, do drugs and have a ton of random sex.

So when they found out I was heading out to New York on the weekends to see my new boyfriend -- and boy does it still sound weird to write that -- their first request was that they meet him.

That wasn't so easily done. His current employer keeps him no retainer so he can't go jaunting out of the city on a whim. He had time off for Thanksgiving, but since we go see family, it'd be such a busy day that it wouldn't be easy to arrange some kind of dinner with the family that involved him. Dad suggested we invite him over for Thanksgiving Dinner at his brother's place, but it was just too damn much pressure for a relationship that's not a month old yet. Besides, I was sure he had plans of his own.

Nope, as it turned out... he has his sister in Philly, which is how he ended up there, but most of his family lives out west anyway, but he agreed to go along with my explanation. In the end we compromised and he agreed to come over to meet the family after dinner.

So after I got to New York, and right as I'm getting into Buddy's hotel room, I feel my purse buzz. I didn't want to answer it, but he insisted I did. I had a sinking feeling in my gut that it was Leo asking me to take him back.

It wasn't. It was Ken, saying "YO VIC! Heard you're in NYC. Why no call?"

Agh! My big brother, the only family member it feels like I can relate to. I hadn't even thought about the fact that he lives in the city with his wife. That wasn't exactly why I'd come all this way. so I discreetly responded, "Getting laid." That's the kind of relationship I have with him.

A moment later, the purse buzzed again. "K, when you're done, let's all go for coffee. Not taking no for an answer."

Buddy laughed, "Your brother's a special guy."

I blushed, "It's... not easy getting away from him. And I do owe him, since I tend to disappear from his life. Would you mind?"

"Nah, it'll be a nice preview for when I finally do meet your family."

So we ended up getting food and drinks with Jana and Ken. Jana was quiet as a mouse, looking like she'd been forcibly removed from her apartment, while Ken interrogated Buddy about how we'd met and how long we'd been together. Buddy looked a bit uncomfortable, but he and Ken eventually found some common ground.

We said goodbye around 11 and headed back to the hotel. After an hour or so of messing around, we were lying there relaxing and he noted, "Your brother calls you Vic."

"Uh, yeah. It's short for Victoria."

"Is that what you like to be called? I've been calling you Tori this whole time..."

"Dude," I assured him, "Don't worry about it. To my family, I'm Vic, but to friends I'm Tori." I don't know why this is, but I didn't say so. "It's just a name."

"Heh, I guess you're right. As long as your name's not really John or something, I think we're good."

Heh, yeah... about that...

Thanksgiving was the usual awkwardness of affair. While Jana joined my mom and aunts in the domestic circle, I stayed with "the kids." There are a couple younguns who like video games, and one who's hit puberty since last year and didn't want anything to do with us. Mae observed, "I remember when that was me."

"That's still you."

"Yeah, but now I at least pretend instead of hiding."

Bored, I picked up a Wii controller to join the game of New Super Mario Bros. Before I knew it, Ken had joined in as one of the Toads. I made some stupid out-of-character comment about how this brought me back to my childhood, and he replied by asking "Since when did you ever play Nintendo?"

I almost had to smash the controller into the TV. It seems stupid, but months of comfort have done a lot to make me forget I ever WASN'T Tori, so when I'm reminded of the difference between Cliff and Tori, it can be very, very frustrating. Add to this the fact that I still haven't gotten the hang of my extended family and the awkwardness expands tenfold.

After dinner, Ken asked me what was up. Suddenly I was playing video games and dating, in his words, "Kind of a geek." I asked what was wrong with any of that, and he said nothing, it was just unusual.

"I'm making changes, Ken," I said, pretending for once that any of this was my choice. "I'm trying to be different from what I was."

"Well don't change too much," he said with a hopeful smile, trying to indicate he didn't mean to accuse me of anything. "We like you plenty for who you are."

I smiled back, "It's too late, Ken. I'm already different. But it's okay. You like me no matter what, don't you?"

"Of course. And as long as you like this new guy... I'm glad you're with him."

Buddy did stop by later that night, but as predicted, the parents were tired and went off to bed after about a half hour of chitchat. That left the two of us alone, for all intents and purposes. Buddy was curious to see my room, and I was... reluctant to let him. But I couldn't say no.

So I brought him up to my supremely-unsexy room. After all this time it's still largely-unpacked boxes, a few personal items, and some piles of clothes here and there.

"This," he chuckled, "Is not a girl's room." There he goes again.

"Then what are all these bras doing around?"

"You're a ladies' man. You collect them," he said.

"Oh yeah," I smiled, playing along, trying to turn it into sexy-talk, "You're just another notch in my bedpost aren't you?" I pulled him close and stuck my hand down his pants. Rock hard. For all his "guy"-talk, he knows I'm all woman. We started to mess around.

He pushed me back on my bed and I undressed as we made out. We did it on my very cushy but very small bed, and spent the night cuddled closer than before. The heat's not great in my room, so I had to re-dress before bed.

It was considerably more awkward than doing it in his hotel room. Especially since he had to get out the next morning without dad seeing him. He didn't succeed but let the guy go without commentary.

Me, however... I got a box of condoms thrown at me. Thanks, pop, for being so supportive.

Tori C: Real life intervenes

Life is tough and unfair. You don't have to tell me that. For the last year, I'm the one it's been unfair to. But lately, things seem to have leveled out for me, or at least reached a tentative agreement.

I had been complaining about being stuck in my routine (and about losing Cyndi as a friend) until acquiring Leo as a non-committal sexual-relationship-partner-type-thing. It's added the level of thrill that my life's been missing since, well, way before I was a girl.

It wasn't long before the girls started noticing my more upbeat attitude and quickly called me on it. It had been hard keeping the whole affair secret from them. It isn't that I didn't want them to know. I didn't want it getting back to Cyndi, but it seemed pretty obvious that if I told them "If you ever see Cyndi, don't tell her I'm screwing her ex-boyfriend." I just didn't want to deal with any of the possible outcomes of this being public knowledge. Didn't want Leo hanging out with us, didn't want them judging me for having casual sex, didn't want them to question why after a year of lack of interest in the opposite sex, I was suddenly happy to jump into this... and in one particularly paranoid, unlikely scenario, them realizing somehow that I was really a guy having sex with another guy.

(I'd like to reaffirm once again that it's been many months since I've thought of myself as "really a guy." I may be a guy again someday but I'm really not anymore.)

When I admitted it to them, it was with a lot of explaining and doubling back on myself. "It's not serious, you guys, we're just fooling around, we don't want to date or anything." They pointed out, rightly, that "I" had tended to fall hard for guys, very quickly, and that "keeping it casual" was not really "my" MO. (Which begs the question of what, exactly, she and Rob were supposed to be.) Raine in particular was judgmental in that even though she knew Tori could be mercurial toward guys, the "old Tori" at least pretended like a fling could be a permanent relationship. Sara defended me by saying at least I was being realistic. They then proceeded to compare notes on Tori's past relationships, their own past relationships, their current relationships, and a lot of other stuff I'm not properly informed about. In the end they agreed, more or less, that I wasn't doing anything wrong, but that I should prepare myself in case this ends badly. I told them I already was.

Jana and Ken got married yesterday. I want to write down all the hectic stuff that went into it from my side, but really it's just typical wedding stuff. Dress-shopping was a pain since this was the first time I've had to look for something formal. I got a nice, peach dress that billowed nicely in the autumn breeze... I looked rather pretty in it, if I do say so. The family and I all went in on some kitchen essentials for the Bride and Groom.

I was unexpectedly emotional at the reception. Looking over at Jana in her white dress, and her bridesmaids, I began to wonder if this lays ahead in my future. If I'm stuck as Tori -- which sometimes I remember is not yet the case -- it would logically be possible somewhere down the line. If I met the right guy. But it wasn't that long ago, including post-transformation, that it all seemed utterly impossible that I'd ever find anyone. I was sort of resigned to loneliness. The idea of someday trying on a while dress was both comforting and terrifying.

The day brought with it all sorts of stresses, including inebriated groomsmen looking to score with their buddy's emotional, technically-alone. I found protection with one of the bridesmaids, the only single one. We shared stories of dating disasters, which I mainly drew from Tori's diaries.

I told her I was seeing someone, sorta, but that it wasn't serious enough to want to bring him to a wedding. She grinned and said she knew what I meant.

I had actually made plans to meet up with Leo after the wedding, and I probably could've used it, but something got in the way. See, what I didn't mention is that for a while now, I've been in contact with Buddy. He had kept putting off replying to me, apparently out of nervousness (how sweet... and typical of him) but he finally got his wits together (with a glass of Jack Daniels) to reply. His work had brought him to Baltimore, 2 hours south of here, and it was possible that some weekend he could come back for a visit.

"Some weekend," as you might guess, turned out to be last night.

I had intended to visit with Buddy for only a little while and then go off to hook up with Leo, but Buddy and I got back into our "first date" rhythm and I suddenly really liked being around him again. He told me funny stories about people he'd met as a "nomadic graphic designer," and ribbed me about staying at the call center when I "obviously had better things ahead of me."

I felt the need to keep my fling with Leo out of it.

We even caught a showing of The Social Network (very good!) and got coffee before he admitted he had to get back to his friend's place to crash. I offered him my couch.

There was just a hint of an implication in that.

He declined, either being a gentleman or oblivious, insisting he had to get his stuff together and head back to Maryland in the morning, and he "knew how much I liked sleep" (this was a conversation we had long ago.) I hugged him goodbye, pressed him against me... and every inch of me was urging my lips to kiss him, but it didn't happen. I felt like he probably wanted it too, but the Leo thing, the wedding, my hormones... I'm maybe a bit too mixed up right now to take that kind of risk.

But it's really already destroyed my comfortable balance.

I was so put off that I texted Leo saying I wasn't feeling up to meeting that night. He simply said "fine."

Fine indeed. But I think things won't be fine much longer.

Cliff/Tori: Boyfriends & Girlfriends part one

I haven't posted in a while, because stuff has kept piling up in my life, and I wasn't sure what to say about it. Even now, some of my issues are ongoing, so talking about them feels like maybe the story will change by the time I'm done telling it. But for now, I just want to get as much of it off my back as I can.

On the Fourth of July, Sara, Thom, Raine, Guy and I went out to the Jersey coast for a beach day. It was hot and crowded, but everywhere was. Plus, in such a large crowd, I felt less self-conscious about baring skin than I usually do. Out of a desire to girl it up, I opted for a strapless bikini, which I regretted during the numerous times I felt like I was going to pop out of it. Yikes.

I should note that we asked Cyndi and Leo along, but we've been seeing less and less of them lately. None of us really knows what's up with them, but we're guessing they're not so close anymore.

Sara and Thom went off on their own. Raine and Guy stayed in one spot, but mostly put on an impressive bout of PDA. See, here's the thing. Since Buddy left, Raine and Guy have been all over each other. Apparently, they toned down their displays because they didn't want to be insensitive to Buddy, whom they knew wasn't getting anything off me. But apparently it's okay to put on these long groping matches for my benefit, because I should be used to it.

That's the part of having Tori's life that I hate. I can't argue that she should be used to that crap, and she's probably done plenty of it in her life, so any objections I have are not taken seriously. I am, after all, a self-conscious computer geek with the body of a cute hairdresser, although it's been a long time since I thought of myself that way instead of just "me."

I thought about leaving and finding my own spot to read and tan, but as I've learned, a single girl in a bikini is pretty much a signal to all the jerks of the world to flock over. I spent a fair bit on the morning being chatted up by a dude with a pretty impressive body, but nothing interesting to say. I know it's weird that I just said that, (even after a year) but I had to admit it. Good looking guy. But boring and annoying as hell.

I eventually managed to ditch him and go grab some food. I got in line behind a cute girl (hey, I can admit that too!) And that's when I exercised one of the benefits of this body.

I struck up a conversation with her.

Now, let me be clear. She wasn't gorgeous, but who really is? She was petite, with a cute face, and a nice tan. I needed somebody to talk to, so I just said it. "So, the creeps are really out today, huh?"

She smiled, "Oh God, I know. I usually have a boyfriend to fend them off, but he's off with 'the guys.'" She said this dismissively. I played along, like yeah, how dare they spend time with their friends instead of us ladies. It's kind of sad to me how my relationships with men are mostly predicated on whether they're dating one of my friends, or whether they want to get with me. She suggested we stick together, since there's strength in numbers.

Then I started having one of those "Wow, I'm really not Cliff anymore" moments, because as a guy I would've been too overwhelmed (by my hormones) to really function after that, but it was cool. I mean, shit, I really am a girl now, I get along really well with girls, and I don't feel nervous and intimidated by them anymore. They see me as one of their own, judge me accordingly, and I've gotten very comfortable acting the part.

After we ate, we laid out and tanned a while, and then she encouraged me to get involved in a playful game of tag with some excitable college boys and some other girls. It was fun, until one of them started to get handsy. I scolded him about it and he seemed sincerely apologetic, but then got up to the same tricks with another girl... and she was more receptive.

By the end of the day, tired and tanlined, I said goodbye to my new friend as she met up with her boyfriend, leaving me with a sad reminder that I might continue to be alone for a while, no matter how I look. Left back to my lonesome, I also parted with my friends to follow up on a deal I had made with my brother Ken to have dinner with him and his fiancee Jana (after putting on some real clothes, of course.)

She made pasta salad with chicken. She's a really good cook, actually, although she's still a little dull in conversation. I faked my way through a discussion about our childhood with Ken, and there were a few times when I guess I slipped up because I misremembered details from Tori's diaries. I kept having to fall back on my "I can barely remember those days" excuse, which gets less and less believable the more recent the topic.

Jana went to bed early. Ken and I stayed up and watch a movie - I had to convince him that "Shaun of the Dead" was something I would, in fact, now enjoy. I fell asleep on the couch and he left me.

At 2 AM, I woke up to the sounds of Jana squealing in the bedroom. What is it about this family and their loud sexual habits? I don't know. I had to pretend like I didn't hear it the next morning over breakfast, but when Ken was giving me a lift back to Philly, I eventually slipped up and started teasing him about it.

He was a good sport about it. "We're close, Vic," he says, using my 'family nickname,' "So it's okay if we talk about it, but please, please never tell me if you know anything about Mae's sex life. As far as I'm concerned, she's still 12."

We joked around for the rest of the ride. I'll finish the story later.

Cliff/Tori: Support

I haven't been on in a few weeks, barely even checked the blog (I mainly do when Alia tells me he posted) because I'd been, as weird as this sounds, enjoying life.

I know, I feel extremely guilty about writing that right now, but at the time, it was the truth. The weather got very gorgeous very quickly and unlike last summer I was not feeling self-conscious about my body. I've long since (well, depending on your count) accepted that for the time being, I look like this, I wear these clothes, I should make myself comfortable. So if I need to shave my legs and underarms so I can show some bare leg and shoulder, so be it. I was feeling good about feeling good. On the home stretch of my return to the Inn, time started to fly.

I don't know. It was just a good time to be Cliff being Tori. As miserable as the work days sometimes are, I got through them, then hung out with "the gang" at Raine and Sara's place, or the bar, or wherever. I didn't even feel bad about taking the night for myself occasionally, just to come home and relax, because I've been more social in the last few months than I've been in years.

Then I logged onto the blog late on April 1 or I guess the 2nd by then, and there was Greg's post. And it just hit my like a ton of bricks. All the carefree attitude I had the last few weeks just disintegrated in the harsh reality of it.

Suddenly all the fun I'd been having didn't seem so fun. The clothes, the hair, the boobs, and everything else that came with it, felt very bitter to me.

Greg, I'm so sorry about what's happening with you. Seriously. I don't even know what I would do if I found myself in your situation (crawl into a hole and die maybe.) Suddenly all the paranoia about not getting my body back has hit me again. The first thing I did after I read that post was e-mail Willy to make sure we were still cool. The fact that he took several days to get back to me (two days but it felt like a week) did not ease my mind.

He assured me that yes, everything was still going to plan, and that if I was really uncertain about it I should come up to Buffalo and check in on him for Easter. As much as that would set things straight for me, I still couldn't go through with it. I still carry a sneaking suspicion that he might want to try picking up where we left off, getting a few bonus miles out of our bodies before we go back. And my own suspicions that I may not be strong enough to resist the urge to try, because I already know how I'd rationalize it (oh, it's my body, he knows who I really am, it's not like he loves Tori or anything.) Best to avoid the problem altogether.

Not to mention, separating myself from the Pearces has become very difficult lately -- it's not like those first few months where I just stayed out of their way. "Mom" and I cook together and we all have movie nights and other weirdly home-sweet-home stuff. We're not the Brady Bunch but this isn't Married with Children either.

But finally, I just wasn't in the mood for anything this weekend. The entire time, the knowledge that one of us isn't making it back to the Inn -- I don't know Greg except through the blog, but I do know we're going through the same thing (except he's lost his fiancee to boot, which makes it way worse than anything that could happen to me) and I do feel a connection there. It's like that thing someone was telling Todd about the mushrooms. We're all part of a big secret family.

It all just weighed on my shoulders the entire weekend. So I just kinda sat, catatonic, while being welcomed to Tori's uncle's place (the same place we spent Christmas) by a parade of relatives whose names and backstories I have a hard time keeping straight. "Oh there's uncle whatsisface who brew his own wine, and Aunt whoosits and her three kids." Even more confusingly, both Dad's and Mom's side came by for the dinner, which was crazy, but I guess I didn't realize that the two halves of the family could be close. Repeatedly, I had to have embarrassing conversations where I attempted to account for the state of Tori's life. No, haven't really decided what career I want, still not dating anyone, blah blah. These things that hopefully will not be my problems in a few months..... yet by constantly having to address them it reminded me of what it would be like if they were. Which means really, they might as well be. And all the while, everyone's sort of disguising their disappointment with my apparent lack of direction, and I don't have any human connection whatsoever.

And then Ken shows up.

God bless Ken. Tori's older brother has been extremely cool the few times I've met him, and from our increasingly amusing conversations on MSN/Facebook. They have a very strong relationship and thankfully that has transplanted over to me. I just like the dude. He's like the brother I never had -- which is ironic in a way because I do have a brother, I just don't get along with him as well as I'd like.

Mae even brought Ed along, although they disappeared early and only returned for dinner... so...... yeah.

Anyway, Ken was there with his fiancee Jana. He proposed on New Year's, and she's been in crazy wedding-planning mode for a few months. They're planning a fall wedding. Most of the family loves her, although I think she's a little boring. Pretty, though, in a classic beauty kind of way. But if you saw me say that out loud, it would seem kind of bitchy, because I've heard myself-as-Tori described in similar ways (more like "pretty but weird.")

Ken made the rounds, and let Jana bond with the other women, and found me to try to bring me out of my gloom. He was a great guy for trying but at that point I was feeling really low. He asked me about it and I was evasive.

"It's just... life stuff. I mean, I'm doing okay for now, but I'm not sure where I go from here." It was totally in-character stuff, covering for my real problems with the believable fakes.

Ken admitted that telemarketing really didn't sound like a good long-term plan, but if it wasn't killing me, it was good enough to keep at until I figure out something better. I told him that wasn't very good advice, and he grinned and shrugged, "What do you want to hear from me? I have the worst job, but I'm happy enough that I don't care." He works in banks or something nonspecific like that.

I was puzzled. "If you hate your job so much, why do you consider yourself happy?"

"I'm getting married soon, Vic." Only Ken and Mae call me Vic. I kinda like it (because if you squint your ears it sounds like Cliff.) "I'm in love with an amazing woman, I don't mean to rub it in or anything, but I couldn't care less about job satisfaction right now."

This did not help. On top of everything else, part of the reason I was supposedly miserable is that I'm single? I didn't want to admit it, but even when I was doing IT, which I liked (despite not being passionate about it, I felt needed and was good at it, so I generally liked it) I knew that yeah, loneliness was a problem. But I had just started being happy being my version of Tori. Why'd he have to rub it in? I just gritted my teeth.

"I don't know," he added, "Maybe it's not a relationship. Maybe it is the job. Maybe it's everything."

"Yeah, it's everything." I sighed, forcing a laugh.

"Maybe it's because you live at--" he stopped himself.

There was a pause before I finished the thought "At home? Yeah. That probably doesn't help."

Look, it's not my place to start rearranging Tori's whole life, especially not now, and as much as I've come to like the Pearces, I can't deny that if I had my choice, I'd be out on my own. But again, it's all the "I'm not myself, this is not my life" stress. I just couldn't express any of that.

So we changed the subject.

"So, I was talking to Jana," he said, "And she kind of liked the idea that you and Mae would be her bridesmaids." That was a bit startling. Thinking back, it was maybe a bit rude to just be stone cold about it, like "Yeah, that'll be fun," showing no enthusiasm. I know I'm not planning on being around for it, but at this time I was practically convinced that I was, and it all just... ugh, it's all too much.

Ken seemed disappointed that this didn't cheer me up (it totally would've been Tori's thing) and that really drove home how much of a mood I was in. Ken and Jana were stayign at our place, and that night, we rented Zombieland... they were cuddled on the couch to one side, I was on the other, and I have to admit, seeing them be so close was really a bummer. Ken wasn't totally wrong, but he couldn't know that he was the one I was really jealous of.

It all just comes back to wanting to be a man holding a girl like that.

So I just thought I'd get that off my chest. Sorry to be so self-obsessed at a time when Greg has some real problems, though. I feel kind of useless because I just have no idea how I'd handle a situation like that. I hope you get it sorted out.

The rest of us just have to keep living the way we are.

Cliff/Tori: A Christmas Story

Sometimes I worry it's hard to keep up with all the characters in this blog. I mean, I never thought of myself as a "character," or any of the people in my life... they're real people to me. But to you good readers, they're just names on the computer screen and it probably gets confusing. We're just characters to you, not people you're likely to meet. But if you live in Philly and you see a short pretty girl with long dark hair, that might very well be me.

I was thinking about that because I've been reading the diaries and it's a very tough task to keep all the "characters" straight, because she writes about them for herself, and since she already knows all of them, she doesn't have to explain them to herself, which means for people like me, it's awkward... especially when she uses codenames for people she doesn't like, which occasionally she does. Mostly, superficial remarks about people she doesn't know very well, which I find privately amusing considering my condition.

So right now I'm trying to limit the number of characters in my story. A person's life has many minor characters, you know?

Mrs. Pearce and I had pretty much made up by the time Christmas came around. We actually had a very nice moment where, after I decided to stop hiding from her, I went right up to her and I delivered a little speech I spent a long time drafting on in my head (and on my computer,) a plausible explanation for Tori's reluctance to help her do her hair. I kept it vague, basically telling her I've been "going through some things" lately, and that I didn't feel that hairstyling and the like was a part of "who I am" anymore, and that I needed to find something I was more comfortable with.

She seemed to understand. She didn't hide her disappointment, though, and told me "It's a shame it's taken you so long to get to this point. If this is what you mean, I think it's too bad you wasted a lot of time and effort throwing yourself into something that was a dead end, if you're not going to pursue it, if you're not going to use those skills." And that kinda touched a nerve, because it echoes how I felt about my own knowledge of computers, all my male experience, just being packed away until I can get my body back.

I backtracked a bit with a half-hearted attempt to suggest that "I might come back to it later" (after everyone gets their proper bodies back... assuming that even happens, which it bloody well better.) She shrugged at this and simply apologized for making such a big deal, that she only really wanted to save "a few bucks," and really it was all up to me what I do with my life... something I am learning is, and isn't true. After all, right now, it's up to me what I do with Tori's life, that's for sure, but my own fate is not in my hands. I could ignore Tori's wishes for me (and she hasn't made any explicit ones) just as easily as Willy could ignore mine. I'll consider my options, as soon as I get some.

I made it through the holidays with a lot of advice from Tori. I like giving gifts. A lot of the time my friends consider me a cheap guy, but at Christmas and Birthdays, if I really care about someone, I like to give. I definitely wanted to give to Tori's family enough to rest my soul from having been a bit of a burden over the last several months. She gave me some good ideas what kinds of things Mr. & Mrs. P liked (make-up for the mom, gadgets for the dad, the latter of which I was more able to come up with ideas.) She was a little unsure what to do for Mae, and I suspect I am getting to know her better than she ever did, because off the top of my head I could think of four or five albums and DVDs she had expressed interest in. Tori was very explicit what to get for her older brother Ken: a very particular bottle of wine.

I think I've only mentioned Ken once since I've been here. He's a few years older than Tori (I think about 25 or 26) and they apparently have a very warm big brother-little sister relationship, in contrast to her original relationship to her younger sister. Despite this, he's busy with his own life - he lives in New York with his girlfriend - and I haven't tried to talk to him, and he's made a few attempts to talk to me that I've only been able to respond briefly to. When I got back from Thanksgiving, Mrs. Pearce told me that "Ken had missed me." It seemed like he had been genuinely disappointed to miss his sister, which I found sweet. There's a fair bit about him in the diaries, mostly about amusement park trips and movies they go see. Bonding-type things.

For Christmas, we were all going over to Mr. Pearce's brother's place. They have younger kids, so they're deep in the thick of Christmas madness; they're also a lot better off than Tori's family, too, much nicer house, a good space to host a big family gathering. there were way too many relatives there for me to keep track of. I mostly kept to myself, and when Ken arrived, he ended up taking most of my time anyway, thankfully.

When we got there, Ken came and wrapped an arm around me, saying "Hey kiddo." I smiled and hugged him back, even though this was the first time I'd met him. He's one of the consistently positive presences in Tori's diaries, so I felt a weird sort of attachment to him already. He took me down to the basement where there was a pool table. He set up the balls and began to ask about my life.

I told him there wasn't much to tell. Trying to figure out my next step, working a crappy job in the meantime, staying out of "mom and dad's" way.

"Listen, I know it's been a while since we've talked and all," he says, "I guess that's as much my fault as yours... mom told me you're not seeing anyone lately."

"Nope," I say bashfully, "Not lately."

It's not hard to understand why that may have surprised Ken. I've gotten halfway through the tenth grade in Tori's diaries, and she's already on her third boyfriend, not including casual "dates."

Ken looked over at me, approvingly. "Don't take this the wrong way, but it's good to be alone sometimes. It shows you who you really are."

"True," I agreed, lining up my shot, "But I'm starting to get tired to trying to know myself." He laughed as I missed my shot completely.

"Haha, see? you're a totally different person. You used to be a lot better at this."

In my head there's a whole other conversation where I say "Give my a break, my tits are in the way," but I've learned not to comment on anything that, as Cliff, would've been weird in the last few months. Besides, they're not really, I'm just that bad. This all continued, and we kept making conversation. I've long since grown accustomed to people who know "me" better than I know "myself," but Ken seems always to have full access to Tori that nobody else did. I felt weirdly comfortable just hanging out with him. Short of telling him the Inn story, I probably could've told him anything. I haven't felt this secure around anyone except maybe Alia, and even then, there are limitations.

He asked about Mae, saying "I know you guys have never really gotten along." I told him things had gotten a lot better.

That was the other big thing. The night before, after Christmas Eve dinner, Mae went off on her own with her little boyfriend Ed. Nothing unusual about this, as she often steals away to hang out with him in the evening. She came home late, as is usually the case, and I was the only one up, just hanging out watching TV. She was kind of spaced out and she just came and sat next to me on the couch. Without looking over, she said in a hushed voice, "So... I did it. With Ed. It was like, our Christmas gift to each other." Then she turned to me to search my face for a reaction.

I was pretty stone-faced. To be honest, I assumed she had already gone through with it, so my face probably didn't show much surprise. What did surprise me was that she even bothered to tell me right away.

So I asked, "How was it?"

She shrugged, "It was cool, I guess. I dunno if I like him that much anymore though. Maybe I was just using him, or whatever. I guess we'll keep doing it until we get sick of it."

I didn't know what else to say "Sounds like a plan, I guess..."

We sat there for a little while, I wasn't sure how to respond, she wasn't sure what else to say, so she added, "I just needed to say it out loud to someone. I think if I told my friends, they'd make fun of me for being the first to do it. And they don't like Ed, I think. Thanks for listening." And then she went to bed.

"Aw, I didn't need to hear that," he laughed to himself embarrassed. "It's one thing if you talk about your sex life, we grew up together... Mae's just a kid!"

"Well, she's growing up," I smirked, watching him sink another ball.

"Yeah, well, she's still my baby sister," he said, still with a hint of humor,

"And what does that make me?"

He missed his next shot, "You're the one I still have to tell my friends you're off-limits."

I took my shot, finally sinking one, "Always looking out for me, Ken."

"You know it, kiddo." He patted my head and we finished the game. Like I said, I felt the weird ability to be familiar with him, maybe because I was picking up on his way of dealing with his sister. I've gotten really good at interpreting how to act around people I barely know. Six or seven months ago, I would have found it awkward just to talk to strangers, unless I was putting on a lame attempt to hit on a girl.

I like Ken. He seems to genuinely care about his sisters, and he's the first person I've met who isn't either a guy who sees me as a potential sex partner, a girl who sees me as a bitch, or a family member who seems burdened by me. I felt more like myself than I have in a while.

Before we went back upstairs, he told me that when he and his girlfriend got home, he was going to propose, and he hoped I was okay with that. I found it nice he cared about his sister's opinion so much. If I had to guess, I'd think that there was probably some unspoken resentment between her and Tori, because that seems like the pattern that I've kept finding since stepping into Tori's life. I told him "You've gotta do what you've gotta do."

At the end of the night, after dinner and everything else, we parted ways. He hugged me with his big broad arms and shoulders and told me to stay in touch. I told him I'd try. And I meant it.

Todd/Anne-Marie: Meet the Johnsons

Julia's message, as "Ken Johnson" was vague about who exactly "Ken Johnson" was, perhaps deliberately. Maybe she had explained in an earlier, now lost, e-mail, or perhaps she just didn't want to come out with it. It stood to reason Ken's a guy and maybe Julia finds that embarrassing. In any case, in my message to her I was upfront about wanting to know her situation, as it relates to our plans.

I have somewhat mixed feelings about the response I got. I was considering just posting the letter in its complete form here and letting you be the judges, but this is somewhat personal stuff and she never said I could, per se, so I'll just tell you what I think I can get away with.

On their Maine trip, which would've been mid/late-June 2008, Julia and Kalli awoke in the bodies of Ken and Sasha Johnson. When I heard those names I thought 'married couple' but no. Ken and Sasha were 16-year-old fraternal twins. How they arrived at the Trading Post is a story that makes me want to rant a fair bit.

Moving from Upstate New York to Washington, the Johnsons parked their kids with their Grandparents in Maine while everything got settled with their new home. Apparently Ken and Sasha weren't the most... well-behaved teens, and began raising hell pretty much immediately. Exhausted by the kids' late nights, rebellious behaviour and drinking/drug use (sheesh this sounds familiar) they offered the opportunity to pay for the kids' stay at, you guessed it, the Trading Post, where they will be trusted to look after themselves and free to basically raise hell.

Now here's where a red flag goes up for me. Every so often, after I was transformed, I wondered if maybe someone haddone this to me on purpose. Alia's parents, who were supposed to stay at the Inn, didn't care much for me, and I'd done a lot to push her to the brink over the years too. What if one of them knew the secret? What if someone planned to change me?? On occasion I've let paranoia creep in and entertained those thoughts, but I never really figured it was all that likely. But this? Come on, Grandpa and Grandma Johnson. I've got no proof but out of all the motels and lodges nearby, why this?

So not long after discovering their new bodies (a new gender for Julia, a new race for Kalli,) they were brought "home" by their new grandparents, who insisted there was nothing amiss with them. Not long after, they were shipped out to Washington, where they started high school again.

So the status report is this. They can't make it back out to Maine, because they have no way to get here. They also don't know the whereabouts of the old Ken and Sasha, who barely wrote anything in the way of notes, forcing them to figure everything out on the go. Lastly, they don't seem to want to come back, which also bothers me a little. I can understand to some degree if your body's been stolen, like Ashlyn or Art, or if someone's made it impossible, but Anne-Marie and Ellie are going back, and it looks like there will be a new Julia and Kalli this summer, which is a shame.

"Ken" says to me, they never really gave much thought to whether they could come back or how they might do it. They just went along with it, and apparently they made for better Johnsons than the old Ken and Sasha did. They are appreciating high school more than most teenagers do (and probably having less of a crisis than Bry is) and "Ken" didn't even mention whether he'd found it difficult to adapt to boyhood.

Of course I wonder whether a new reservation is even possible this close to the trip, I don't even know. I guess I just wanted everything to get back in its place. Maybe after a year some pieces just don't fit.

Well, if Ken and Sasha are fine with their new lives, then I guess good for them. I've got bigger fish to fry. (Literally, we're having seafood tonight and I should get cooking.)

-Todd/Anne-Marie

Todd/Anne-Marie: Get back to where you once belonged

So on the evening of Bry's last day of Grade 9, Friday June 19th, we are going back to the Inn. I've known this for months. I'm really excited about it. But every time I look over at that date on the calendar, I feel a twinge in the pit of my stomach. I get reminded it's still a month away, and as awesome as it's going to be to stand 6' tall and grow facial hair again, there are still things going on in Anne-Marie's life that require my attention.

Hayley's cold lasted longer than we thought. She seemed well enough to come along to the zoo last weekend but it flared up again afterward. Then I realized it wasn't a cold at all, but allergies. So I had to take her to be tested, and then convince her it wasn't so bad to get shots, which was a difficult conversation. Then on top of all that stress I had to swing by the drug store for some Midol, because, well, goddamn.

It was there, while Hayley was off browsing the magazine rack, that I ran into Donna. Every so often I remember the last major conversation I had with her and it gets me mad, so you can imagine how I was feeling on this occasion. She started browsing the menstrual aids as well. I was hoping to ignore her when she struck up a conversation.

"Menopause can't come soon enough," she says.

I glared at her. She looked over and smirked at me. I grumbled, "I won't be around for it, thankfully."

She snorts, "How could I forget? After the scene you made at my place. You've made it quite clear you mean to go back wherever you came from. Kansas?"

"Canada. Is there something you want from me?"

She reminds me about her offer. "I don't know why you hate me, Anne-Marie. I don't know why you avoid me and why I have to stalk you in the drug store just to have a chat. We have something in common, we just don't have the same opinion about it."

"Why don't you just tell me who you were?" I ask.

"Why do you care? Why does it matter?"

I didn't even have an answer for that. I just assumed it was quid pro quo when I told her my story.

She came in closer and gave me something of a death glare. "When you came back, and I realized what you were... it brought up so much emotion. So much guilt. You have no idea. For the first time in decades I feel like I'm lying about who I am. And I don't like that." Just like a woman, making me feel like the bad guy. "But what's done is done, and if you want to know, you know what to give me in return."

I told her I remembered. She wanted sex. I excused myself to the checkout and asked Hayley if she'd rather I buy her a Motorcycle Mag or Guns & Ammo. She laughed and handed me a copy of InTouch.

Every time I talk to Donna it really gets my nerves up. She has a real attitude about her past that is troubling for me and only makes me want to know more about her, which of course comes with a premium. I'm wondering whether I really have to do this, to wrap up the question of Donna's identity once and for all.

Of course, some mysteries are easier to solve...

Last Sunday, when I was at "Julia's" place, I was there to do more than deliver a simple Happy Mother's Day message. I had a hunch I wanted to follow up. I didn't want to talk about it until it was resolved, but I might as well bring it up to clear my mind.

Sometime ago Anne-Marie and Ellie admitted they really hadn't been in touch with the original Julia and Kalli. I found this troubling because in arranging all these return trips, I feel it would be awesome if everything could just be wrapped up nicely. Unfortunately, the only info they could provide was the last name "Johnson" and a mention of Washington State. Apparently they just didn't see fit to include all this info in their original letters. I figured it was one of two things. Either it didn't occur to them to provide this in the event a return was possible, or they didn't want a return at all. The paranoid dude in me was thinking the latter.

That said, my hunch was this: if Julia and Kalli wanted to come back, they probably would have e-mailed Anne and/or Ellie at some point. Maybe. It's been almost a year, though, and if nothing had turned up in the Inbox yet, chances are it wasn't going to.

So when I hopped on "Julia's" computer and checked her Spam folder, I damn near shouted out "Eureka!" Sitting right on the cusp of the 30-day deletion cycle was an early-April message from Ken Johnson.

The writer, the original Julia, basically went on a tirade about how mad she was none of the previous e-mails had been responded to, but that didn't mean she was going to give up. That even if there was no way back, she still felt she was owed some acknowledgment that her life was in good hands. (My summary, not her words exactly.)

I noted down her e-mail address and headed home, trying to mentally draft a response. After a couple days I had it all written out.

I explained who I was, and why none of "Ken's" letters had reached "Julia." I told her she didn't have to worry about her body's status, she was safe and gainfully employed in Connecticut. The good news, I said, is that changing back is possible, all you need to do is be in Maine at the right time in the right room. I said I hoped to hear back from her soon, and gave the address to the Blog.

I have yet to get a response, but I will let you know when I've got it, if I feel comfortable doing so. Hopefully, we can get these people into the proper room, but one step at a time...

That's all for tonight.
-Todd/Anne-Marie