I'm comfortable. I could complain a bit about my financial state or the occasional rocky period in my relationship. I vented a bit in my last post about how Alex didn't want to move in together yet and this somehow tied together with my mind which was all messed up with baby-crazies.
I love him because he likes me. I don't want to be "a girl" about this and start looking for things to go wrong, because we're not getting married (honestly, the stress of having a wedding just sounds awful to me. Sara just put hers off until fall.) At this point, if I'm happy, all I need to do is keep him happy, so if this is all he wants, I can handle it.
It's been some work. I've never been with someone this much for this long. Never shared so much, never made them this big a part of my life. Less and less, that one thing he doesn't know about me seems like a big deal, but it won't go away completely. Some nights we'll be in bed and I'll think "If only a woman loved me this much when I was a guy..." and it's hard to imagine how, after all this time, I'm so comfortable and yet still clinging to past regrets. I would have loved it then, but what I have now is superb so I don't know why I'm complaining.
Every so often, Alex will ask me if there's something bothering me. I try to brush it off and tell him things are fine. And they mostly are: I'm happy with my body. I have a guy to wrap his arms around me, and even if we don't live together, he's still somehow usually here to watch me try on four different outfits before going out. I swear after three years I'm still not an ace at dressing myself in a hurry, but most girls aren't even after a full lifetime. Undressing, on the other hand, I can do.
Luckily, I don't have to spend too much time picking an outfit in the morning. Black pants. White polo shirt. Nametag. I'm the girl who sells cell phones in the mall. I'm trying to take a little pride in this position, because even if it's not corporate, it's still tech-related and appeals to my interests and skill set, but I have no delusions about why I was hired. I'm the eye candy. Given a chance, most guys would rather talk to a pretty girl about their cell phone plan than anyone else working there (not to say some of my male co-workers aren't attractive, but I doubt most of the male customers care.) But it's embarrassing sometimes, because my male co-workers have this perception of me having been hired for my looks and not knowing anything about phones. And there's a lot to keep track of, with features and plans, that sometimes when I stumble or need to be helped out, it feeds their perception of me as "dumb hot (blonde!!) chick." Eye candy.
I've worked retail as Tori before, but that was in a garment shop. The only people I ever talked to were women. I wasn't the hottest one there, nor the least knowledgeable since when I became a girl I was obsessed with finding out the differences in types of fashion.
When a guy screws up around here, it's no big deal. They just laugh it off. But because I'm fighting my reputation, it's really stressful, especially because I haven't had a lot of time to get good at it yet, only working two or three shifts a week. To say nothing of male customers admiring my chest while I'm trying to explain the savings of a 3-year smart phone contract to them.
Sorry for the rambling post, anyway. Sometimes I worry about leaving off on a post like my last one, where I seem like some crazy girl, and I wanted to reassure you guys that things are actually going good. Routine with the BF, stress at the job, but good.
Showing posts with label babies. Show all posts
Showing posts with label babies. Show all posts
Thursday, June 14, 2012
Sunday, May 27, 2012
Tori: Still looking
Both for some work, and now for a bit of peace of mind.
I don't like the idea that women are inherently more emotional than men. I was a really moody guy, but society didn't encourage me to show it. Since I've been a woman, I've cried plenty, but over things that I would've liked to feel okay crying about as a man. Since I am a woman, though, I now know there are certain things that set me off more than they would have as a man.
Last weekend, Mom and I ventured out to New Jersey for Jana's baby shower. Some of Jana's female friends, co-workers and relatives were there. The only one I had met before was Jana's mother, who I remembered from the wedding talking about how she always wanted a sister for Jana, a comment that baffled me then and unnerves me now. Jana has four brothers, all older, and her mother asked if I was single and thankfully the answer is no.
It was a nice event, I mingled some, but inevitably the large topic of conversation is babies. Up until now I've just thought of it as "Oh, I get to be Aunt Tori now, that's really cool." But suddenly I started thinking of it as "Someone I know is about to be a mom. Someone's gong to call her mom. And someday... it might happen to me."
I never thought about kids when I was Cliff. I spent all those years dating a woman who wouldn't let me see her naked. We talked about getting married, but it was always somehow in the future, and I was frankly afraid of proposing, for reasons that turned out to be very appropriate. I thought being a dad might be cool but it never really seemed to be a pressing question.
And the same has been true of my life as Tori. Sometimes I make the joke, when I get my period, "Another month of beating the odds" (not really since we're really good with birth control.) As serious as Alex and I are, I have definitely eased off the commitment gas pedal, because I am not "that girl." Maybe we'll get married, and I guess if we do, kids are an option. No stress. Take it easy.
But then I got to this party and talked to some of these women. Some were young, and were looking forward to getting pregnant in the near future. Some were older and had kids, and shared their stories. And then some of them... these older women who never had kids, who had this air of disappointment about them, because of it. Women who got to their Fifties, never married, and then gave up.
I'm not saying I think that'll be me. I'm not saying I'm worried about never having kids if I want them. I'm saying suddenly I'm aware of the pressure women put on themselves... how many women define themselves by reproducing! It's insane. And guys just don't. Motherhood is seen by a lot of women as this sacred, important duty, and fatherhood is just something that happens. I worry about other women thinking negatively of me if I choose not to... and I worry about if I somehow can't. I don't know. It was all very confusing.
Later, I wanted to talk to Alex about it, but I couldn't outright have a conversation about wanting kids. I didn't want to scare him or anything. I didn't even want to talk about that. I just wanted some kind of reassurance.
Instead, when I got home, I went over to his place and I asked if he had given any more thought to living together. I felt like maybe I could that as a way of reassuring myself about the future.
"I have," he said. "I just don't see the rush. We're good the way we are, aren't we? We don't need to make it a big financial thing. You're a smart, independent woman. You don't need to depend on me."
I had absolutely no idea what he was going on about, whether it was my independence or his that he was really talking about. I spent all day imagining what it would be like to grow a person inside me, and then had to realize that my long term boyfriend doesn't think much of co-habitation.
I had a good cry that night.
The next day, I had a couple of job interviews. Sure, I'm in emotional turmoil, but I had to look good for my interviews. Straighten your hair, put on some eyeliner, perk up your boobs and wear some heels that make your butt look good: chances are, even if the interviewer isn't a man, they'll appreciate the effort.
Since none of the corporate jobs I envisioned are really hiring, I widened my search to the retail sector. I need to pay bills, even if it's bagging groceries. Fortunately, I won't be doing that. I got a job selling phones at the mall. I made it a point to do as much research as I could before I applied, and I think the owner (a man) liked the idea of getting some eye candy who could actually sell the phones. I start tomorrow, but I'm only booked for about 12 hours a week for the probation period, which means I'm still not covering everything.
Still... it'll keep my head above water for a bit longer.
I don't like the idea that women are inherently more emotional than men. I was a really moody guy, but society didn't encourage me to show it. Since I've been a woman, I've cried plenty, but over things that I would've liked to feel okay crying about as a man. Since I am a woman, though, I now know there are certain things that set me off more than they would have as a man.
Last weekend, Mom and I ventured out to New Jersey for Jana's baby shower. Some of Jana's female friends, co-workers and relatives were there. The only one I had met before was Jana's mother, who I remembered from the wedding talking about how she always wanted a sister for Jana, a comment that baffled me then and unnerves me now. Jana has four brothers, all older, and her mother asked if I was single and thankfully the answer is no.
It was a nice event, I mingled some, but inevitably the large topic of conversation is babies. Up until now I've just thought of it as "Oh, I get to be Aunt Tori now, that's really cool." But suddenly I started thinking of it as "Someone I know is about to be a mom. Someone's gong to call her mom. And someday... it might happen to me."
I never thought about kids when I was Cliff. I spent all those years dating a woman who wouldn't let me see her naked. We talked about getting married, but it was always somehow in the future, and I was frankly afraid of proposing, for reasons that turned out to be very appropriate. I thought being a dad might be cool but it never really seemed to be a pressing question.
And the same has been true of my life as Tori. Sometimes I make the joke, when I get my period, "Another month of beating the odds" (not really since we're really good with birth control.) As serious as Alex and I are, I have definitely eased off the commitment gas pedal, because I am not "that girl." Maybe we'll get married, and I guess if we do, kids are an option. No stress. Take it easy.
But then I got to this party and talked to some of these women. Some were young, and were looking forward to getting pregnant in the near future. Some were older and had kids, and shared their stories. And then some of them... these older women who never had kids, who had this air of disappointment about them, because of it. Women who got to their Fifties, never married, and then gave up.
I'm not saying I think that'll be me. I'm not saying I'm worried about never having kids if I want them. I'm saying suddenly I'm aware of the pressure women put on themselves... how many women define themselves by reproducing! It's insane. And guys just don't. Motherhood is seen by a lot of women as this sacred, important duty, and fatherhood is just something that happens. I worry about other women thinking negatively of me if I choose not to... and I worry about if I somehow can't. I don't know. It was all very confusing.
Later, I wanted to talk to Alex about it, but I couldn't outright have a conversation about wanting kids. I didn't want to scare him or anything. I didn't even want to talk about that. I just wanted some kind of reassurance.
Instead, when I got home, I went over to his place and I asked if he had given any more thought to living together. I felt like maybe I could that as a way of reassuring myself about the future.
"I have," he said. "I just don't see the rush. We're good the way we are, aren't we? We don't need to make it a big financial thing. You're a smart, independent woman. You don't need to depend on me."
I had absolutely no idea what he was going on about, whether it was my independence or his that he was really talking about. I spent all day imagining what it would be like to grow a person inside me, and then had to realize that my long term boyfriend doesn't think much of co-habitation.
I had a good cry that night.
The next day, I had a couple of job interviews. Sure, I'm in emotional turmoil, but I had to look good for my interviews. Straighten your hair, put on some eyeliner, perk up your boobs and wear some heels that make your butt look good: chances are, even if the interviewer isn't a man, they'll appreciate the effort.
Since none of the corporate jobs I envisioned are really hiring, I widened my search to the retail sector. I need to pay bills, even if it's bagging groceries. Fortunately, I won't be doing that. I got a job selling phones at the mall. I made it a point to do as much research as I could before I applied, and I think the owner (a man) liked the idea of getting some eye candy who could actually sell the phones. I start tomorrow, but I'm only booked for about 12 hours a week for the probation period, which means I'm still not covering everything.
Still... it'll keep my head above water for a bit longer.
Sunday, February 17, 2008
Jaci - Furniture Assembly 101
Sorry it has been so long since you all have heard from me. Life has been super hectic. As I'm sure you know by now thanks to Kat's runaway mouth I'm pregnant....with twins! So I've been scrambling to collect baby things and clothes. Man are kids expensive!
So today I invited Kat over for one of my home cooked meals. We made a plan dinner at noon and then to get things organized for the babies. So I cooked meatloaf and cheesy mashed potatoes, one of Trips favorite meals. Kat arrived late like usual but did i really expect anything else. We ate dinner and Kat only grumbled slightly about the lack of places to sit. I pointed out all of the things for the babies taking up space in the living room. That is when we decided to assemble the crib. Talk about an adventure. We assembled and disassembled the bed 3 times before we got it together right. Luckily no blood was drawn. Kat did make fun of me though because my new, "preppy mom" finger nails kept getting in my way, til she broke one of her own.
So today I invited Kat over for one of my home cooked meals. We made a plan dinner at noon and then to get things organized for the babies. So I cooked meatloaf and cheesy mashed potatoes, one of Trips favorite meals. Kat arrived late like usual but did i really expect anything else. We ate dinner and Kat only grumbled slightly about the lack of places to sit. I pointed out all of the things for the babies taking up space in the living room. That is when we decided to assemble the crib. Talk about an adventure. We assembled and disassembled the bed 3 times before we got it together right. Luckily no blood was drawn. Kat did make fun of me though because my new, "preppy mom" finger nails kept getting in my way, til she broke one of her own.
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Kat - Hiding from dad
I'm sorry it's been nearly a month since my last post. I guess I could say that chores took that long, and in a way they really have, with the holidays and a run of holiday-time birthdays. But that's not the whole story. What has really kept me from posting so long, was dad.
I knew dad was suspicious of something when Pete visited, so I tried to steer clear of anything that would raise his interest... especially being online. I'll admit, it's a very hard habit for me to break - I'm an internet addict... but the original Kat was not. Staying away from a computer for so long has been very tough for me. I'm always feeling that urge to sit at the keyboard just gnawing away at me. Add dealing with my monthly visitor on top of that, and I'm sure I was a real monster for a few days too.
I don't know if it's looking at things from this life, or if it was the passing of my grandma just before Thanksgiving, but this holiday season just didn't seem to carry the same enthusiasm as I remember. There were no stockings hanging, there were no gifts under the tree at home. Sure we had the lights and wreaths hanging, and the tree was up - but it just seemed like some exercise... no spirit, no joy... it was just us going through the motions. Christmas seemed such a distant thing, as if it was simply another day. Even the wonder of my nephew and niece as they opened their gifts, and the wonderful dinner that my sister prepared, couldn't offset my feeling out-of-place. I was almost glad to return home Christmas night, I slipped quietly up to my room and cried myself to sleep.
The day after Christmas is my birthday... Trip is now 37. Funnily-enough, my new birthday was the same day... just 15 years newer. Fortunately, I remembered that Trip's license was expiring, or I probably wouldn't have checked mine, which also expired on the same date. My picture looks awful even though I did my best to look decent. Trip assures me that the DMV cameras don't flatter anyone, and that I looked fine. Still, I hope noone ever sees that picture.
I was giddy with joy when Trip and Jadyn brought my birthday gift. It was an old K-5 Blazer... the full-sized ones. The engine didn't run, but it otherwise was in pretty good shape. God, how I've missed mudding! This project truck was their gift to me, as Trip told dad, "to replace Kat's wrecked car with something tougher, that she can learn to fix herself." Dad seemed to accept that explanation and he and Trip gave it a good looking over while I just watched and pretended to be a bit naive about things.
That evening, Jaci called and although it seemed that we were trying to actually have a casual conversation, I think we both caved to the inevitability of just not being as close of friends as the original Kat & Jaci were. I was touched, though, when she remembered that it was my birthday... and then again, when she invited me to her little Christmas / New Year's shindig that Friday. But she had to top that off with a real bomb-shell - She's pregnant... with twins. Well, our struggle for words disappeared at that point. I eventually told her that she should put all this in the blog, and she alluded to dropping cable and internet to start saving money for when the babies arrive. I asked her if I could share the news with her adoring fans, she laughed and told me to knock myself out. So there ya' go, don't say I never did anything for you.
Anyhow, the party was a bust. It was certainly a great gathering, and I got to meet some new people, who thankfully didn't know the original Trip or Kat. A few of the guests couldn't stay long - Someone had to babysit for a relative who had to rush off in a hurry; one guy had some drama with one of the girls; and then one of the ladies who brought her kids along, had to take one of them to the hospital with a fever of 103°. There just didn't seem to be a whole lot of "party" in the party, and I guess that's really okay with me anyhow. Lately I haven't really been in a partying mood. I did enjoy the party though, I didn't feel too awkward as these people didn't know me prior, and it was good to be out socially without feeling odd.
Well, right now dad is sleeping, he has an early flight to see his brother in California. Why he didn't go out when mom was out there, I'll probably never understand. Anyhow, I figure he's out cold for a few hours - and I'm hurting real-bad for an internet fix. I just don't want to push my luck.
I knew dad was suspicious of something when Pete visited, so I tried to steer clear of anything that would raise his interest... especially being online. I'll admit, it's a very hard habit for me to break - I'm an internet addict... but the original Kat was not. Staying away from a computer for so long has been very tough for me. I'm always feeling that urge to sit at the keyboard just gnawing away at me. Add dealing with my monthly visitor on top of that, and I'm sure I was a real monster for a few days too.
I don't know if it's looking at things from this life, or if it was the passing of my grandma just before Thanksgiving, but this holiday season just didn't seem to carry the same enthusiasm as I remember. There were no stockings hanging, there were no gifts under the tree at home. Sure we had the lights and wreaths hanging, and the tree was up - but it just seemed like some exercise... no spirit, no joy... it was just us going through the motions. Christmas seemed such a distant thing, as if it was simply another day. Even the wonder of my nephew and niece as they opened their gifts, and the wonderful dinner that my sister prepared, couldn't offset my feeling out-of-place. I was almost glad to return home Christmas night, I slipped quietly up to my room and cried myself to sleep.
The day after Christmas is my birthday... Trip is now 37. Funnily-enough, my new birthday was the same day... just 15 years newer. Fortunately, I remembered that Trip's license was expiring, or I probably wouldn't have checked mine, which also expired on the same date. My picture looks awful even though I did my best to look decent. Trip assures me that the DMV cameras don't flatter anyone, and that I looked fine. Still, I hope noone ever sees that picture.
I was giddy with joy when Trip and Jadyn brought my birthday gift. It was an old K-5 Blazer... the full-sized ones. The engine didn't run, but it otherwise was in pretty good shape. God, how I've missed mudding! This project truck was their gift to me, as Trip told dad, "to replace Kat's wrecked car with something tougher, that she can learn to fix herself." Dad seemed to accept that explanation and he and Trip gave it a good looking over while I just watched and pretended to be a bit naive about things.
That evening, Jaci called and although it seemed that we were trying to actually have a casual conversation, I think we both caved to the inevitability of just not being as close of friends as the original Kat & Jaci were. I was touched, though, when she remembered that it was my birthday... and then again, when she invited me to her little Christmas / New Year's shindig that Friday. But she had to top that off with a real bomb-shell - She's pregnant... with twins. Well, our struggle for words disappeared at that point. I eventually told her that she should put all this in the blog, and she alluded to dropping cable and internet to start saving money for when the babies arrive. I asked her if I could share the news with her adoring fans, she laughed and told me to knock myself out. So there ya' go, don't say I never did anything for you.
Anyhow, the party was a bust. It was certainly a great gathering, and I got to meet some new people, who thankfully didn't know the original Trip or Kat. A few of the guests couldn't stay long - Someone had to babysit for a relative who had to rush off in a hurry; one guy had some drama with one of the girls; and then one of the ladies who brought her kids along, had to take one of them to the hospital with a fever of 103°. There just didn't seem to be a whole lot of "party" in the party, and I guess that's really okay with me anyhow. Lately I haven't really been in a partying mood. I did enjoy the party though, I didn't feel too awkward as these people didn't know me prior, and it was good to be out socially without feeling odd.
Well, right now dad is sleeping, he has an early flight to see his brother in California. Why he didn't go out when mom was out there, I'll probably never understand. Anyhow, I figure he's out cold for a few hours - and I'm hurting real-bad for an internet fix. I just don't want to push my luck.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)