Bryan/Ellie: Too much too young too fast

I was only in the hospital a couple of nights but when I sit down and try to make sense of it all, I get frustrated and put it away. So I've been putting it off - this will be my third or fourth attempt - and I guess the best way is just to begin at the beginning.

The conversation I had with "Kalli" at the funeral had been eating away at me for a while. It's hard enough being a normal teenager... when you don't feel like you have control over your life... I've been fighting that since I got here. But thinking about how this won't be my life anymore soon has made me that much less patient for all the little crap that annoys me, and all the major crap that is being secretly hung over me by the real Ellie. I didn't need her bitter, judgmental attitude.

So it probably didn't help put me in a good frame of mind when Emily and I were hanging out in her room, and there was a lull in the conversation and she just asked me point blank... "Ellie... are you gay?"

I sat up in shock. I guess I thought I had her fooled but she's always seen me as a tomboy and we always joke about how I don't date. I tried to play it cool but I was obviously off guard when I just started blank and asked "...what?"

She tells me, "My brother told me that girl who plays drums, Leanne, is a lesbian, and you're always hanging around with her and it makes things kind of awkward for him because he knows you guys hang out a lot, and then he asked me if you're gay. And I told him no, but then I thought... what if you are?"

She had this serious look on her face... almost like she was hurt by the very idea. All I could say was "I don't know what to tell you."

She just looked at me and said, eventually, "I want you to tell me the truth."

I couldn't look at her anymore, so I just looked at my hands, my thin little fingers on her bedspread. I just muttered softly, "The truth is... I don't know."

She wasn't having it. "What do you mean you don't know?"

I started to babble, "I mean, I'm... confused, and I didn't tell you because I thought you'd think I was too weird and you wouldn't wanna hang out with me, and... I don't know how it happened, I guess I just really liked hanging out with her, and I just... I don't know."

So she asked, "Do you... do stuff with her? Have you kissed?"

I hesitated before answering. "Yeah."

"Is it like... serious?"

"I don't know!" I started to get exhausted with her questions, "We don't go out, we just hang around her place, and sometimes we... fool around I guess."

"Like how we hang out?"

"...I guess so."

She scoffed and moved back from me. I tried to tell her there wasn't any connection, but I don't think my voice sounded like I believed it. I can't deny that the reason I was so drawn to Emily was somewhat the same as the reason behind Leanne. So now I start to feel guilty for peppering my friend with hollow words, so I just keep my trap shut.

She sits with it a while. Eventually she says, "I just wish you told me. I mean, we're friends, aren't we? You're like the only person at that school who wasn't immediately rude to me and I thought our friendship meant something."

"It does, I just... I didn't know how to say it. I guess I was trying to avoid this... entire conversation."

That got a half-laugh... a mixture of annoyance and amusement. Eventually the silence got too awkward and I just asked, "So... what do you think?"

"I don't know El, it's just... kind of a big deal, right?"

"I'm not even sure it is, it's just... one person. I'm still the same person I've always been." Well, that's just not true, but what does she know?

I looked at her face. I could see, slowly, her coming to terms with it. Her mind started to process what I was telling her. And what she said next changed the entire tone of the night.

"So..." she said, "Like... is she a good kisser?"

And suddenly, I felt good. I felt like coming to terms with my feelings, admitting them to Emily, was kind of like, my revenge on Ellie. I didn't like the way she'd handled me telling her this, and now it was out there, and whatever happened, she would have to deal with it. It's not the nicest thing in the world, but I'm sick of getting treated like I'm not allowed to live my life the way I want. And let Ellie deal with it.

So I was feeling all powerful and stuff, really on top of the world. And then a few days later I was... with Leanne. And the thing about Leanne is that her parents are out a lot, so when we hang out there's a lot of... well, we get pretty busy. So we're on her couch, and I'm all snuggled up, under her arm, watching TV, and I feel like closing my eyes and relaxing for a while so I take off my glasses and put them on the coffee table.

She kisses the top of my head and tells me how cute I look with my glasses off. She starts running her fingers through my hair and telling me I should consider getting contact lenses. I tell her I don't know about that, but I was thinking about getting my hair cut (while I was on this "take control of Ellie's life for now" kick.)

That didn't get a good reaction. So I try to convince her that I think I'd look good with shorter hair. And she says maybe, but... and here's where the trouble began... she tells me she wouldn't like it because she has short hair, and she's, quote, "The boy in the relationship."

Now that made me jump.

I have to admit, she doesn't exactly dress in pink frills. I just always thought of her as "a girl" like any other girl I've been with. But what I didn't realize was that I'm not a guy to her... I'm "a girl", and I'm "another girl." A different girl. She does have short hair, and I do let her lead the relationship a bit because it seems to be the way she's most comfortable while I'm still somewhat mystified by the fact that I'm even in a relationship as Ellie. So I guess somewhere along the way we just settled into this pattern, but her saying it was a real wake-up call.

I start huffing "What do you mean you're the boy, why can't I be the boy? Why does there have to be a boy?" I mean, that's the point, isn't it? and if there is, shouldn't it be the one who had a penis?

And she tries to get me to calm down and tells me she didn't mean it like that, and if I want to do something I should, but, well, the cat's already out of the bag and I can't forgive her about it. So I keep pressing the issue... I guess my freak-out was a little girly, actually. I start laying it out, like "What am I to you, anyway?"

And she just shut me down by saying "Ellie, I like you a lot, but... I think the real question is, what am I to you?" Then she points out, rightly, that her family knows she's a Lesbian, but she can't talk about me because I'm not telling anyone, and even though I'm so much younger, she seems to think that's, like, an immature attitude, and she's getting tired of it, and if I can't get serious enough to tell people about her, to be with her in public, then we're not really together.

And then she says maybe it's for the best that we end it now... she tells me she got into Northwestern University, in Chicago, so there's not really any way she can keep seeing a ninth grader.

So I tell her, well, congratulations... but I guess this is the end. I knew it was going to have to end sometime, but I thought it would be more my decision than this. So I walked home in the darkness, tired and frustrated and lonely. And then the next day I was doing some Math homework, and I got tripped up by a problem and started to get really pissed off... and I started to wonder what was the point, and why were things so hard, and why didn't anything seem to work, and it all just sort of... fell in on me. Every fucking bit of stress I've felt since I walked into this house, feeling trapped, feeling lonely, feeling like a fucking liar, it just all hit me at once and I... lost it. And that's when I lost my breath, when I blacked out, and when I woke up I was in a hospital bed.

I feel so stupid for losing it like that. Even in my toughest days back home I never freaked out that way. I guess I really liked Leanne... and all the better parts of Ellie's life I was starting to enjoy.

Well it'll all be gone in a few weeks, all my current problems will be Ellie's problems, and I'll have my own life to worry about.

That's pretty comforting.

Bryan/Ellie: Whatever happens happens

1 AM and blogging. Seems like I only have time to think about my life when I should be sleeping. I guess that says something, but I'm not sure what.

I met "Kalli" - the real Ellie - for the first time at the funeral. She approached me, wiping tears from her eyes, and asked if she could speak to me in private, because she felt really vulnerable being there, being so upset, but not being free to say who she was. We went for a little walk. I got the sense that she wanted to take her mind off the sadness of the moment by having a sort-of normal conversation.

She asked me if she was missing anything interesting. I told her there probably wasn't anything she couldn't do without. I mean, it's only grade 9 (or "ninth grade.") I didn't really know what to say. I kinda wanted to apologize for the way I've been running her life, but the truth is, I'm doing my best and haven't got much to apologize for. But I didn't say anything, and she went on.

"So... what do you like better? Boy or girl?"

Something about the question struck me awkward so I didn't answer right away. I thought it should be obvious.

"I kinda wish the inn turned me into a boy," she said. "I mean everything's been so crazy, right, but since I know we're... going back... I feel like I'm missing out. That would've been so cool. Me with a penis." She snorted some laughter. "Guess I'll never know."

I look down, embarrassed, "I don't think you'd like it. I mean, I can't wait to get back, 'cause that's what I am. I think when your mind and you r body don't match up, something goes... freaky."

"Did you ever read the old posts on the blog? Like that chick Ashlyn. She was a guy, and she seemed to like the change."

"I don't think you're lookin' at it properly," I said, "She made an adjustment, which is really cool, because eventually she learned there was like no chance of going back how things were before. But ever since we figured out how to go back, I've been freaking out basically all the time, because I know I don't belong and I won't be here much longer. If I had to be you forever..." I sighed. "It would be different." I realized I never answered her question. "I like being me, because that's who I am."

"Don't you like anything about being me?"

By this point we were sitting on a bench by the parking lot. I slouched down and looked down at my breasts, at my hands, at my thin little legs. "I like being you sometimes... because Leanne likes you."

She stared off into space for a while and then said "No she doesn't. She doesn't know me."

"Well she likes someone. If I was me when I met her, she probably just would'a wanted to be my friend, call me a breeder and help me pick up other chicks. And that was if she wasn't a teenager. But because I look like you, she... she sees me in a way I wanna see myself." I can feel myself starting to cry a little bit, but I try to sniffle it back. Damnit, don't let this girl think you've gone girly.

"Well I'm really sorry about that," she grumbled, "I mean, you're gonna have to do something about it before we go, because I'm really not interested in that."

"How do you know for sure, though?"

She told me some things that I probably shouldn't put here. I don't think Anne-Marie reads the blog, but I wouldn't wanna betray Ellie's trust be talking about it here where it might get back to her. Suffice it to say it has to do with this Todd Jones guy and what Ellie may or may not be willing to do/already done with him. I told her it still wasn't concrete, and she just said that no matter what she wasn't interested in girls, and was upset at what I was doing with her body.

"Like two minutes ago," I snapped, "You were saying you wanted to try being a boy."

"Yeah, just for like, shits and giggles! That's different! If I was a boy and I liked girls that would be okay. And if you're a girl liking boys is okay."

"So it's not okay to like girls if you're a girl?" I'm pretty fucking outraged here.

"No I mean, it's not okay if you're me!"

I just stopped and buried my head in my hands, because there was no goddamn way we were gonna resolve this argument.

So I said "I guess it won't matter in a few months because you can go back to being you and blow whatever guys you want." (Oops, secrets out. Sorry I was just so pissed thinking back on the memory that I just... had to.)

"God Bryan, you're being a bitch here. You got me into this mess and if you don't do something to get out of it, that girl might really get hurt. You know what I'm saying?"

I got her drift -- if I leave it to her to end things with Leanne, she might be a little less nice about it. I didn't like hearing it, but I took it since there's nothing I can do. I wiped more tears away.

"Of all the bodies I could'a woken up in, why yours, goddamnit?"

She stood up to walk away. "I don't want to hurt you guys, Bryan. You seem like a nice guy and I'm sorry about whatever happened that you got so caught up with a teenage relationship. I wish we could've talked sooner, but I got a job in a supermarket a while ago, and that keeps me kinda busy."

My tears turned to laughter. She asked me what was so funny.

I told her, "I worked in a supermarket too. I think I still do, unless Amanda found me a better job."

Then she started laughing, and we laughed together a while, and she left. I went back in, and that's when I started thinking about my great uncle, and Todd told you the rest.

I haven't decided yet what I'm going to do. I've ended a lot of relationships - and had just as many ended for me - but never while it was going so well. Why does my best relationship in years have to be so....... fucked up?

I'm just saying if somewhere down the road, Ellie finds she really likes the feeling she gets from seeing other girls' breasts, I'll laugh my goddamn face off.

I guess what ever happens happens.

-Bry/El

Bryan/Ellie: Nothing between us

It's nearly 2 AM and I can't really sleep. I'm stressed out of my mind.

For a while things were pretty good. I was hanging out with Emily plenty, but was getting less and less jealous when she'd ditch me for her boyfriend Mike - since I had Leanne to turn to. Leanne was becoming my secret little affair. I let myself believe it was a healthy arrangement.

I dunno if Ellie - the real Ellie - would be into girls. That's not my place to say. But I am. And I was in a position to have one when I needed one, when I needed to prove my manhood (even though she only liked me if I was a girl.) It's a shame that being a girl doesn't make it easier to deal with them.

I'm keep Leanne a secret, based on the reasoning that Ellie is young and possibly confused, why make a big coming out deal when I'm not even gonna be her in a few months? But until then, I want my fun. So on nights when Emily won't care whether I'm around, I head off to Leanne's place for a little study session.

It has been great having someone else to relate to. Emily's great and all, but I feel like there was only so much of myself I could share with her. Leanne...... she gets me, as much as anyone could without knowing my whole story. And she's in a better position to understand Bryan-as-Ellie than Todd, no offense, because Todd is a grown woman and getting laid regularly (whether she likes it or not -- and part of her defs does, no matter what she says.) Until Leanne I had nothing but sexual frustration.

Now I've got some release... but also some guilt. Because I care about this chick, but I feel bad for lying to her. I'm making out with her under false pretenses. If she knew what I really was, she'd probably be disgusted.

I never thought I'd say this, but it feels... wrong to take advantage of this.

But every time I try to man up and end it, I just take one look into those eyes of hers and they take my breath away.

And then I get so wrapped up in Leanne that when Emily's relationship with Mike goes rocky - the girl is a walking drama bomb - I'm not around to be her counselor, and then a rift forms between me and her.

I mean come on. I've got to have room in my life for more than one friend, right? I was a pretty popular guy as Bryan, I was in high demand. but between the secrecy of my relationship with Leanne, my girltalk with Emily and my occasional meetings with Todd - not to mention boys who still want to know me because they think I'm on the market, and the band we've sorta formed, it's exhausting as hell and I don't feel like I'm as satisfied as I ought to be. It should be easier! I'm overeating, not sleeping (as I already said) and getting zits.

Fuck it all! Too much drama! augh!

This has been... sorta helpful... but maybe I've gotta get something done for once in my life (like homework? Fuckkkk my marks are low.) I can't get out of here soon enough.

-Bry/El

Bryan/Ellie: Jam sesh

So a while back I met Emily's brother Dennis who is kind of a musician, in the way that a teenage boy with a guitar is a musician. I made the mistake of showing off a bit to him, even though in this body I'm kinda terrible, and for a while he would ask if I wanted to hang out with him and jam.

Nothing ever really came with that, and anytime I'm over at Emily's to have a sleepover or whatever, if I'd see him he'd get kinda awkward. It happens. When you're a teenager there's no shortage of stuff to make you awkward, whether you've been transformed or not.

So last Friday night I was at Emily's place when she gets a text from her boyfriend Mike. They've been really off and on. She's really into him and he kinda plays it cool... which honestly isn't unlike me, but seeing it from this perspective, it seems unfair to her (especially since she gets my panties all worked up whenever she comes around, so there's I guess a bit of jealousy from me.)

ANYWAY what happened was Mike texted her and asked if she wanted to come over and do stuff. For a while it was almost like she was gonna blow him off and hang out with me, but I could tell she really wanted to go. Since I'm pretty comfortable at her place - hell, more comfortable than at Ellie's - it was okay that I stayed and finished the movie (Wall-E.)

As I was going, I ran into Dennis, who'd been in the basement. I was putting on my jacket, and he sidles up to me. "Listen I'm not a creeper or anything. It's still early, I've got some people downstairs you might want to meet."

There are times when I forget that I'm small and basically defenseless (I'm not much of a fighter, but I could get crazy against a dude like him.) So I began to trust him, but I told him that if anything went wrong I would tell Emily. He just looked at me and asked what she'd been telling me about him. I said it was hard to explain.

But whatever. As I mentally prepared myself for the worst, he led me to the basement, where he had his guitar on a stand, a bass leaning up against an old couch, and a small drum kit. Behind the drums was a girl Dennis' age, with moppish short brown hair and emo-glasses. Sitting across from them was a more conventional looking blonde girl on a cushy chair. She looked, and must've felt, somewhat out of place. Good figure, low-cut top.

He gestured to the drummer chick and then to the other, "Ellie, this is Leanne and May." May stood up and wrapped her arms around him. Girlfriend. Duh.

"Leanne and I jam together sometimes, and I thought that maybe you'd wanna join, since your night kinda got ruined by my sister leaving." He looked over at Leanne, "Ellie's pretty good at guitar for her age." He looked back at me, "Ever played bass?"

I rolled my eyes. I didn't really wanna be the cliche chick bass player.... as much as I love the Pixies, Smashing Pumpkins, and to a lesser extent Sonic Youth. Sure, I can play, but only bothered to learn as much as any guitarist who is actually good at that instrument.

Whatever. I slung the bass over my shoulder. It felt like a monster in my little arms (for those unfamiliar, bass guitars have considerably longer necks than real guitars.) We tinkered around, I didn't attempt anything tricky. It wasn't the same thrill as when I had the guitar in my hands but it was nice anyway.

Eventually May, who was probably getting tired of the scenario, looked at her watch. She noted it was getting late to Dennis and he took the guitar strap off his shoulder. Without much explanation, they hurried upstairs. "Uh, if you wanna play the guitar you can," he said leaning over the railing, "but if you break any strings you're paying."

I was going for the guitar when Leanne said "Mind if we take a break?" I said sure, but was a little disappointed I couldn't rip into some non-talkbox Frampton.

She went over to the mini-fridge and looked through it. "You drink?" She grabbed two bottles of cheap American beer.

"Sure."

She opened one and handed it to me. "Are you sure? I don't want to corrupt any little children." She smirked.

I laughed. "Believe me, I'm plenty corrupted already."

She grinned, "Oh yeah? you don't look like you've done much."

I joked, "Only to myself."

She nodded and sipped, "Good to keep in practice. So tell me... why'd you keep looking over at May?"

"Was I?"

"Dennis didn't notice 'cause he was in front of you, but I could tell. I figure there's two reasons. One is that you can't figure out why she's with him... because you want him." I shook my head. She sipped again. "The other is you couldn't help noticing her awesome chest."

My eyes darted right back over to her. She looked back at me.

"Look," she blushed, "You're really young and probably really confused, but I remember when I was your age. Figuring out what you want, why you don't see boys the way all your girlfriends do. Maybe you're not ready, maybe I'm reading you wrong."

"You're not." I told her abruptly, blurting out "I don't ever wanna touch a penis." (One that doesn't belong to me.)

She inched closer, and I closed my eyes. Oh God, the softness of her lips, the way her fingers brushed my thigh. I let myself enjoy it for just a second before something struck me and I jolted back.

"Oh, wow," I exclaimed, "That was... I mean, it was really sudden." But my mind had darted back to Ellie, to the Inn and how I would leave. I've said on this blog how I had feelings for Emily but I didn't mean to do anything about them, or anything at all. Because I know things are going to be weird for Ellie once we change back. But at the same time, the desire to feel something like that... was just overwhelming.

"Is something wrong?" she seemed sincere.

"I'm just... I'm.... maybe you're right. Maybe I'm not ready."

"It's okay," she leaned back a bit, separating the two of us further, "I'm kinda just got out of a thing, and I don't want you to think you're just a rebound. It's not, like, fair to you."

And I'm thinking: Well, in a few months, I'm going to be a whole other person, and that's not really fair to you, so I guess we're even.

"It was nice though," I said to comfort her. "And maybe sometime we can again. Just... don't tell Dennis, okay? Because then he'll tell Em, and I don't wanna deal with that."

She nodded, it seemed fair.

And then we started kissing again.

Ellie, Todd said you read this, and I'm sorry, I guess, but I couldn't help myself. A cute teenage lesbian (bi?) was coming onto me and I couldn't say no. Maybe that's how you ended up letting Todd Jones feel you up on your Aunt's couch. Let's call it even.

I mean, it's not like Leanne's gonna become my girlfriend.

Probably.

-Bry/El