Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Alia: Let's try this

Oh boy. Where do I begin? Can I start by saying how much I already regret coming out here?

My name is Alia Frye. I'm a 25-year-old grad student from Toronto. I'm here in Maine because... well, it's complicated. I guess you could say I'm looking for someone. Or maybe some answers.

I don't wanna get too personal. I'm not one to write about myself, I had a livejournal for a while when I was in high school, but it was the kinda thing you grow out of. But I'm a different person now I guess. Grown up a lot. I'm not that shy girl I was back then, so let's try this. I'll open up.

When I first got to university (yes, we're going that far back) I was really intimidated. I was still shaking off all the social awkwardness from high school, trying to figure out who I wanted to be, away from my parents for the first time. The first person I met who really had an impact was a boy named Todd. I met him halfway through first semester.

He was the first guy I ever met who seemed to see something in me. I never knew what, because I was so used to people seeing me as "the smart girl" or "the shy girl." It probably has something to do with race. I don't know if you can tell based on my name, but I'm half Pakistani. Not that religion was a big thing in my household, I was just raised like a regular person, only vaguely aware how people saw me.

Well, Todd told me he didn't see the "Brown girl," just the girl, which was sweet, I thought. Not that I'm not proud of who I am... jeez now I'm rambling. Anyway, Todd. He was this, like, cool hipster guy with shaggy hair and a beard and he played guitar, and I never kne anyone like that who wanted to have anything to do with me. And he was smart too, way smarter than he looked, and probably even smarter than he knew. He had surprising self-confidence issues, which is one of the things we fought about when we dated, which we did off and on for years. And eventually I became the "whole other person" I mentioned, because of the influence Todd and his friends had on me. Oh, and my parents really didn't like him, especially after he dropped out.

Maybe we were never a good couple. Kind of mismatched. That doesn't excuse any of the things he did to me, or any of the things I did to him. The last time we broke up, it seemed like it was for real. I mean, he left the fucking country, clearly with the intention of hooking up with every skank on the East coast of the States. I didn't tell him at the time, but it hurt to think I really lost him. That was last year, about this time.

So a few weeks before he's due to come back, I got this call from him, like he's had a revelation about us, and he wants to try again. And I was feeling so vulnerable that I agreed, and I was so happy we were getting together. So he says "the last thing I want to do is go see this band in Maine, so Bryan (his friend) and I are gonna find a place to shake up there." And it was a funny coincidence that my parents were going to go to Maine, but they couldn't because of a minor injury, so it all worked out.

And then they get back, weeks later than expected -- not unusual I guess -- seeming really shellshocked from the trip. And I guess it made sense, they'd been away for a while, it must've taken a lot out of them, but they were really, really disoriented. And when I asked Todd about our little conversation, he said he didn't remember -- although for a while he acted like he did -- and I thought "Oh that makes sense, you were probably completely smashed." How stupid was I for thinking he was sincere? He never really wanted to get back with me. It's like he conned me into getting him that room in Maine without even realizing he did it.

So while I'm at home crying my damn eyes out because I got my hopes up, Todd and Bryan are just... acting strange. I mean, I never knew what to expect from those guys but this was a real shocker. They started kinda... getting their act together. Their place was nicer. They got better jobs, dressed nicer. As much as I loved the whole outlaw thing, this was... it was something else. Really impressive.

But it was clear he didn't really want me anymore. It really was over. Something about that trip had changed them. I tried to be their friend but it was so... wrong. I'm all for maturity, but we're in our 20's. It's time to enjoy life, to go out late and sleep in. Talk about frustration -- when I'm the one trying to drag them out to the bar?

So I started seeing other people, more seriously than I ever had before, and paying less attention to Todd. He didn't seem to mind.

It didn't work out. At least, it hasn't yet.

A while back, Todd told me he was going back to Maine, and he wanted to talk with me once he got back. But I said "screw that noise." I've got some money, I've got time. He wants a talk? I'm here to talk.

And he's nowhere to be found. The Honda he bought after he got back last year is, but he's not. Well, at least I've been getting some good reading done during the deluge. Maybe I can get my mind off feeling like a needy ex-girlfriend, if it stops raining eventually.

Oh yes, and a bonus feature of this wonderful Inn? All the creepy people you could ever hope for. There's the happy Asian redneck who helped me with my bags, the MILF who gave me the evil eye when she walked by my room and heard me playing the Ramones, and worst of all... the boy next door.

I passed this dude with his collar up and Oakley shades... surprisingly enough no faux-hawk... and I mention to him "Oh I see you've got a great view of the Ocean from your room. I was kind of hoping for one. Would you mind switching?" He says "Sure thing... if you don't mind spending the night with me." Then he points to his crotch. Has that move ever worked on anybody? Pathetic. I actually feel sorry for the guy. I'll take my view of the road, thanks very much Cliff.

So that's my story. I'll probably just chill here for a few more days, then head back. Nice opening up... I guess.


1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Whatever you do, don't read the rest of this blog until a few days from now.