Saturday, June 13, 2009

Todd/Anne-Marie: "Mom your skirt's too short"

I hate to admit this, as someone who still considers himself mostly male, but over the past few months, especially as the weather's improved, I've gotten more in touch with fashion.

I don't mean, like, runway couture or whatever, I just mean... as a man, clothes were generally an afterthought. Styles and whatnot. I wrote shirts and jeans, or maybe cords. Then I got here and found this overwhelming wardrobe. Maybe it's not overly packed as far as women goes, but as a man, sorting out all the different styles, and when to wear them was... unappealing. I tried to stick with what I knew.

Then as time went by I got really sick of the way I looked in those more gender-neutral fashions. As I began to accept the woman in the mirror as myself, not just the woman I looked like, I cared more about how people saw her. So, occasional trips to the hairdresser, more adventurous trips into the wardrobe. Not a lot of make-up, but there have been times when it's been necessary. Jewelery, though, yes, I was always comfortable with that. I got more and more into skirts and dresses and high heels because they were sort of convenient, more visually appealing to me. Once I started learning how, I dressed the way I would want to see this body, not the way I'd dress as a man. Comfort came eventually.

I'll tell you the biggest early adjustment was tight underpants. It's... humbling... to think I haven't had a set of testicles to worry about in months. I was big into boxers, never liked having my junk confined, except when Bry and I were playing as the Mercy Mamas. But that was special; we were onstage putting on a show.

I've lot a little bit of weight since being Anne-Marie. I don't know how much, not really enough to go down a size, but her clothes definitely feel looser on me than they did when I first got here.

That brings me to "Mom, your skirt's too short." I was out shopping with Hayley, we were walking thorugh the parking lot and there was a gust of wind, and I guess... passersby got a glimpse of my panties. Her voice was 60% amusement, 40% embarrassment. It started to make me feel like I'd gotten carried away with my "female fashion comfort level."

It's one of those things I wonder if I'll look back in six months and miss. It seems so inconsequential. It was far from my realm of interest as a man and I still try not to get too... invested in it, but it's hard not to enjoy all the options.

I'm kind of writing this to distract myself. I've been on edge for the last week because the last I heard from Deb and Amanda was that they'd arrived safely in Maine last weekend, and nothing since. I know there's a 2 week block but you can't help but wonder, can't they at least send me an update? Well, they're less technologically inclined than I am, I guess.

It's just been so stressful trying to start to mentally take myself out of Anne-Marie's left, even though I'm still in it. I feel like I've got one foot out the door. I'm sleepwalking, a little like I did back in the first few weeks. I feel like nothing matters, even though it does.

I like Hayley. And Conner. And, to some extend, Hal. Having had them in my life has been... interesting, even though the situations that caused it, and everything since, feels like one big awkward moment. I feel like I've made the best of it, and part of me is sad to see it go.

The other day was Anne-Marie's birthday, but I wasn't able to spend much time with her. There will be more in the way of celebrations on Sunday, I suppose.

Hard to believe that in a week I'll be back in Maine... and not long after that, Toronto. Sheesh.



Anonymous said...

And I'll even bet you got a little thrill out of the skirt incident!

Todd/AM said...

Heh - no comment!