Friday, June 05, 2009

Todd/Anne-Marie: Too tired to sleep...

As the days count down to my return to Maine, I'm finding it hard to sleep. Part of it is excitement, part of it is nerves... fear that something's going to go wrong at the last minute. I feel like I can trust Deb, but how can we count on the science of a supernatural hotel not to screw us over? I dunno... I guess I just get paranoid. Doesn't help that we haven't heard from that Brandon guy lately. Deb and Amanda will be going to Maine Saturday. I'm eager for their news...

So basically every night around 11 I head up to bed. Hal's overeager bedroom phase has long since passed so we just lie there and he goes to sleep, and I try not to hear him snoring. He's not that bad, but he's not exactly silent.

When I was a man, in these cases I usually just rubbed one out and fell right to sleep, but the female body has a whole different protocol... it usually just stimulates me more, and then I feel silly lying there quietly playing with myself from midnight 'til two.

So if I don't fall asleep by 12 or 1, I tend to get up and wander the house. I'll throw on my robe, go downstairs, surf the web, have a drink, watch free porn. Don't judge me that I can't just stand in the mirror looking at my own boobs. I've really passed out of the phase where I can fetishize my own body. That was from September (when the shock of being female/wife/mother started to fade) until Hal and I started having regular sex around February. Since then I've been kinda blah, even self-conscious about my extra inches around the midsection. Maybe Anne-Marie's done well for her age, and I've probably shed a few since being here, but deep down I still think thinner is better.

As you can imagine, someone in my situation ends up with a lot of body-image issues.

So basically what I do is sit around in the dim light, having a drink, feeling frustrated about my lack of sleep, just tired of being Anne-Marie, and fantasizing about the day when I can sleep in my own bed.

I've also been trying to use this time to write more posts, but this is the third time I've tried to write this exact post and I always just think "they don't need to hear this stuff." But I'm still writing, and maybe tonight I'll actually hit "publish."

The other thing I used to do on nights like this, (beyond, you know, the earlier option) is I'd call Alia and we used to have long conversations, sometimes until sunup. That was way back when we were in school, like first-year, and we didn't care about missing classes due to tiredness. A lot of this was before we started actually having a relationship, and then after a while, well, we stopped doing that kind of thing. I really miss those days... and what I want more than anything is to get back to her. One thing I regret about this past year is that I never up-and-went to Canada to try to convince her, curse or no curse. I guess the idea that I had to take responsibility for Anne-Marie's life grabbed me real quick. for that, I'm sorry.

I'm not sure that there was any point to getting this out there, but... well, there it was. I think I'll go try to sleep now. I've still got mothering to do in the morning...


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