Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Cliff/Tori: Everything in its place...

...except me.

When I first got here I didn't know what to do with myself. I was just a freaked out boy in a girl's body, wary of everything signifying my change. From the clothes to the house to mirrors to my new "family."

So I threw myself into chores. Since Tori wasn't working last summer, I was around to walk the dog and clean the house and mow the lawn, as awkward as it felt to get all sweaty under my boobs, and as much as I felt the physical difference by getting way more sore than I ever did as a man, I needed something to focus on that didn't require me to pretend as Tori. Even laundry, which as a single guy, I knew how to do, but not for women's garments.

I was thinking about it as I was mowing the lawn this past weekend. I did all those things without question last year, but this year I felt the need to raise a fuss, to try to get Mae to take her share of the chores, which turned into a whole thing. You always fight with your siblings. Even when you get along, which I think I do with Mae. I'm not a big personality, and a lot of her ire is still directed at the real Tori, not anything I've done. It's gotten better, but I'd be nuts to think we were best buds now. And hell, sometimes she makes me crazy from her own laziness.

I'm just fussy. Especially since I became a woman. I feel the need to try to control things and keep them simple. My room still looks basically the way it did when I first became Tori, with all her stuff in boxes, and I remove it as necessary, but I'm very good about keeping things in place.

Maybe it's a girl thing. I mean, a me-as-a-girl thing. For instance, getting my period made me very wary of dirty clothes, just because of how disgusted I felt. Made me realize I couldn't just be lazy, I had to actively do stuff, take care of this body, and by extension my surroundings. Incidentally, I'm on my period right now, in case you cared. I personally feel like there's a connection: the pads (later, tampons) led to leg-and-underarm shaving, then "Torification" and finally to me figuring out that it was possible to just be me under this skin.

I can be a bit of a scatter-brain when it comes to stuff outside my sphere of control. As far as making plans Raine and Sara always call me on being non-committal and sometimes undependable.

Raine has taken more of a liking to her Guy than most of the dudes she's hooked up with, and was really not pleased at my treatment of Buddy. I basically sent him an overly wordy e-mail explaining how as much as I liked him, I don't think I'd make a good girlfriend right now, I'm just not up for it. He said he understood everything, and if I ever wanted to hang out, he'd be up for it. And as much as I feel like I'm leading the poor guy on, I really do think he's a nice guy and I want him around. I just had to make sure that he was aware there was approximately zero chance of him getting as far as last time in the near future. Again, he says, that's not a no, and he can wait.

And God help me, I don't have the strength to say "No" outright, just because I feel too attached to him that I don't wanna be so harsh.

Yeah, it's sad. He seems okay with it, but if it was me, I know I'd be going insane trying to figure this girl out.

Anyway, sorry for the random train of thought post, all. Life is weird.


Anonymous said...

Thanks for the update. I'm sorry no one commented on the last item. But wanted you to know that there are readers who follow your story closely.

Anonymous said...

ditto. I have enjoyed your posts

Robbie said...

Yes, this blog is awesome!