The weather is nice, so I figured the least I could do was try to get back into the dating game. I've dabbled a little in online dating... I must really hate myself to go through it, because it's a neverending string of "hey cuties" and "sups" and unsolicited dickpics. Newsflash: There is nothing special about your dick. I'd know.
But I did end up chatting with a nice guy, let's call him Boy-X for now. I still doesn't know if there's someone reading this who might use this information to somehow manipulate the situation against me. I wonder if I should warn him that people who get close to me tend to... get messed with. (Admittedly, Buddy got it in a pretty good way, if he was moved to Houston to get him away from me, since he seems happy. Sigh.) He's a bit younger than me, which is weird because that means he's a fair bit younger than my actual age, but I try not to think about that anymore.
He's freshly out of college, looking at grad school, still trying to figure out who he is. I told him I related, and took longer than average to figure it out. I've developed this joking way of admitting what happened to me, this way of explaining it in a way that feels like it could be true, but isn't.
Anyway, this is the first serious date I've had in a while. It feels weird and stressful, picking a nice dress, picking nice underwear even though I don't intend to let him see it, eternally fussing with my hair. I know guys don't notice these things, like at all, but at the same time if I show up looking like I just came from work I don't think I'll make a good impression either.
Is it weird that I'm writing this? I know you nice readers are always very supportive and interested in what's going on with me, but it feels so... irrelevant, with it being summer and wave after wave of new people getting zapped into wrong bodies, and I always feels so ashamed for caring about my own life and not reaching out to them. I almost don't fit in anymore, I'm so far beyond beginner status on this blog. I worry about this every year.
After my last post, I actually heard from an old friend who objected to my assertion that I have no male friends. "What do you call me?" Sara asked over Facebook.
"A brother, maybe :)" I told him. After all, he's in my old body, my only link to my past, my old family, and Buffalo. It really is important that I keep up with him, more than I have sometimes. Which is why it somewhat shocked me when he said he had some news for me.
"I'm thinking of moving."
Jaw dropped. What?
He explained, "I met this girl a while back, and she lives in California, and it dawned on me during one of our late night texting sessions... what am I staying East for? My ex is long gone. I don't delude myself by thinking I'll go back to the Inn and get my old body back or even a new one. It's time for me to start thinking about what I want, right? You understand, don't you?"
I hesitated for a moment and thought about times I made my own decisions. "Of course..." I remembered vacillating about whether to go to Houston with Buddy or stay in Philly. I stayed because I love Philly, I loved my friends and family here, and I'll admit I was at least partly motivated by interest in Alex, for all that got me. If Sara, as Cliff, doesn't love Buffalo (and being from Buffalo I could hardly argue) then why not?
"It's not like we see each other a lot in person anyway," he said.
"You're right," I admitted, "You're just taking that body--" I initially wrote "my body" but I had to delete it and rephrase "--somewhere else where we can still be Facebook friends."
"And you like this girl?"
"I really do."
"How long have you known her?"
Wow... and already thinking of moving? Okay, no judgment, I swear.
"Good for you," I said. "Get far away from Maine."
"Thanks," he said. "I'm glad I have your blessing. I still don't know for sure, but it's cool you're cool."
"Oh yeah, I'm cool baby."
"Hah. Sure. I can't believe I never noticed you weren't the real Tori."
I wasn't sure if I was stung or pleased by that remark. I just said "Well I am now :)"
Then he said "You're doing great. I know how hard it is."
"That's what she said!"
Laughter, applause, you're welcome.
The conversation made me want to see if I could get in touch with the former Tori, who I think is still down in Louisville doing local TV. It's so weird how time goes by and life gets in the way so you lose track of these people. Sorry again if any of this is upsetting to recent Inn people, but hey, it's life.
Now then. time to stop sitting around in my undies and make a decision about my wardrobe. I really want to knock this guy out so I don't have to keep meeting guys!