Aidan/Emilia: Please let us change back before swimsuit season.

So I got back from a shift at the bookstore the other day, and my younger son had left her bedroom door open, posing in front of the mirror in a string bikini, taking selfies and then staring at them critically. 

I tried to sound cool with it.  "Beaches open already?"  Surprisingly, she actually yipes, puts a hand in front of her groin and the other arm across her breasts, and quickly slams the door with her body.  This seems kind of unusual - Rusty certainly likes showing off her "Monica" body, and we'll all kind of run through the apartment half-dressed when we're in a rush - so I rap on the door.  "Everything okay?  I didn't mean to catch you by surprise."

She opened the door with a crop-top and jeans clearly just quickly pulled on over the swimsuit.  "No, it's fine, I just didn't think you'd be home for another hour."  She grabbed a glass of water and took a sip.  "I guess some of them never close, but Razzie's been talking about it finally being bikini weather, so I wanted to check and see if I could pull it off before she says we should hit the beach some Saturday or something."

"Really?  Don't take this the wrong way, but this doesn't seem like the sort of thing you usually worry about.  I really wish you would, but if it's suddenly a problem, I have to wonder if something's up."

"Nothing's...  I mean, nothing's happened to me or anything, it's just that wearing a bikini means my whole butt is out there and I can't see if it looks weird, and the top feels different from a regular bra, and, I dunno, it kind of doesn't feel like I'm wearing underwear but does feel like it could all come apart.  Sure, if someone unties something without me noticing and gets pictures of me naked, it won't be my problem for long, but, like, it feels kinda precarious."

I nodded.  "Well, first, your butt doesn't look weird.  Speaking as your gym buddy, you've got a great butt that you've put a lot of work into."

"Eww, Dad, gross!"

I raised my hands.  "Hey, like I said, that's your roommate and workout partner Emilia talking!  But as your dad, I can give you the old lectures about peer pressure and not doing anything you're not ready for.  And I'm sure Monica left you a one-piece swimsuit or two, maybe stuff for actually swimming laps or the like."

She nodded.  "Oh, yeah, she did, but I kinda wanted to try all the sexy stuff before we turn back.  Have a bunch of photos on a thumb drive saying I killed it later, and it feels good, you know?  Not so much folks saying I'm pretty, but that I chose a nice outfit or that I must work out."  She paused.  "You think I'll still like working out when I'm myself again?"

I nodded.  We'd been given the lives of three healthy and attractive young women, but there was a lot that we now know took effort despite having taken it for granted before, and compliments, especially when they come from (other) women can feel pretty good even if I feel like Emilia's genetics are doing most of the work.  "I don't know how much is that Monica's body is an endorphin factory and how much is that being her put you in a spot where you discovered you can like it, but I figure you might."  I paused for a second, wary of the next question.  "Are you going to miss being Monica?"

She shrugged.  "I mean, sure, but not the bras and periods and heels.  God, I can't wait to stand to pee again, even if the lines weren't so much shorter.  I'll probably really miss everything in the city, and Razzie and Chandra, and bar trivia.  It feels crazy that I'm going to have to wait years for people to treat me like an adult again!"

I had a brief thought about Rusty and Kutter throwing who was responsible for paying rent in New York in my face if I ever tried to impose a curfew.

"But, I've got to admit, when I'm doing Korean lessons or watching other people in class, that kind of feels right, you know?  Like where I should be.  And there's so much Monica probably learned in school that people expect me to know, and I'll sometimes hear from other-Rusty and freak out because I'd forgotten something or someone. I'm kind of ready to be done."

I gave her a big grin.  "You've got no idea how relieved I am to hear you say that, given how well you and Kutter have done and how quickly you adapted!"

- Aidan/Emilia

(That said, she went out to run laps around the park in just her sports bra and spandex shorts this morning!)

Jordan/Yuan-Wei: More Secretly American than Usual

Even though it probably wouldn't have done a lot of good or had much impact, considering that I've spent my life in New York, Massachusetts, and California before Hong Kong, I feel like it would have felt really good to cast votes again President That Fucking Guy in the last three elections.  And that's even before he did anything - as someone born and raised in Queens, hating That Fucking Guy is my goddamn birthright.

But he has done stuff, and I've been a woman with a Hong Kong passport for almost ten years now, and I'm dating a guy from here who is suddenly a whole heck of a lot less interested in seeing America than he was when Max and Jonah/Krystle invited me to their weddings last year.  I can't really blame him, at least up to the point where he says maybe I should just cancel what I've booked entirely, since it wasn't like this was family or anything, but just friends from years ago, and he's been sleeping on the couch for the past week.

Oh.  Yeah.  He didn't move back to his apartment after his lease lapsed, because being all up in each other's business all the time didn't drive us apart but instead confirmed that we do indeed like each other enough that neither he nor I is going to suddenly decide that we don't want the other around.  Not enough to make always being around each other and in the same bed after work something we're gonna want to stop, anyways.  I know that sounds like me avoiding saying I love him, which it's not - I do love him! - but that doesn't make me any less wary about sharing my space.

It's our space now, and in a lot of ways it's not that bad or different.  Dominic and I have a lot of the same tastes, even if he occasionally insists living in America has time my palate.  Over the past couple months, the food in the fridge is different, you see more stuff labeled in Chinese characters on the walls and shelves, some of my baseball stuff has given way to his martial arts stuff.  As I was telling Max during a zoom call the other day, it's starting to feel more like Jordan Lee's apartment than Jordan Chang's.

He laughed at that, saying I worry way too much about names and what they mean and if the Inn has fucked me up in some fundamental way, and he's probably right, but I point out that I'm zooming with him from a park rather than my living room because I couldn't talk about this sort of thing with Dominic around.  He says that's kind of going to be the new normal, though, because he didn't tell Pei Pei that he spent a year as someone else when he proposed and doesn't think it would be right to spring it on her at the wedding. 

That's when I understood the reason for arranging a call - he's just going to let his fiancée think Benny is his real fucking brother, and I'm just some girl who used to hang out with him and his folks because "Missy" was a theater kid who would come to New York to see shows while at school in Boston.  And while I get it - Pei Pei is a nice girl who has no connection to the Inn whatsoever (believe you me, folks checked!) - it made me feel like I was being pushed out of the family when I often feel like I work pretty goddamn hard to stay in touch.  I blew up at him a bit more than he deserved, though he sure fucking deserved some of it, probably because I was stressed out about visas and if I wanted to buy burner phones for the trip and just everything about how my home is rejecting me, again, in large part because That Fucking Guy is president again. 

I'm still coming, but there's a good chance my family and folks like Annette and Jonah won't get to meet my boyfriend, and I'll be making sure that there are folks ready to call lawyers to deal with ICE fuckery if I don't text every ten minutes after the plane lands for every airport.  It's crazy, considering I live in China (yeah, Hong Kong, but the SAR isn't nearly as S as it used to be), and makes me worry about whether I might just get cut off from people I care about long-term.  I know that's what happened with my grandparents, and what happens with a lot of Inn people, but I guess I've been in denial about it happening to me, and what sort of Hong Kong girl that will leave me. 

-Jordo