It's been a busy summer, and now that I'm back in school, life is only getting busier. If Ellie was going through school at the normal rate, I would have graduated last spring, but thanks to her complicated life, I'm taking a delayed path through high school. Fair enough since I missed it the first time around.
I've only got two classes, science and math, then after lunch most days I work a shift at a department store. I spent all summer looking for work, but everyone was all hired up until September. This way I can save up, because I have a feeling I'm going to have to start seriously thinking about colleges. Truth is, it looks like the real Ellie is long gone and maybe never to return. I would give her her life back in a heartbeat... I don't have any particular attachment to it, obviously, but I'm comfortable here and really not comfy handing it off to someone else. I can handle being a teenage girl. Usually.
I spent a lot of this summer keeping the people I consider my friends at a distance. It started at prom, when I went with Callahan, and guilted my friend Iris into coming even though she'd be pretty much alone while I attended to my date. Iris is not the kind of person who would have a lot of fun dancing and partying, especially more or less alone. But I told her I cared about her too much to let her stay home while I was having fun. That was my mistake.
To her credit, she was game. On very short notice she got a great dress and when I asked throughout the night if she was having fun she didn't seem totally miserable. I told myself it was good for her but maybe I shouldn't have pushed so hard. I prodded her into coming along to an after-party with me and Callahan and Emily and her boyfriend. One of the jocks has really open-minded parents, so there was about 15 kids there, plenty of booze, and no adults.
I've already lived through some pretty wild stuff, honestly. These kids, getting their first taste of freedom, going a bit nuts, I understand. I really didn't expect Iris to take to it, though, but she really did dive in and start drinking. Until she started throwing up. I spent the last few hours of the night taking care of her in the bathroom. Between retching, she kept apologizing for making me take care of her like this and saying how pathetic she felt but I kept trying to tell her it's okay, she's young - I mean we're young. She fell asleep curled up in a ball on the bathroom floor, I slept in the bathtub. It was nice in a kind of weird sister-caretaker kind of way. But it seems like she was pretty embarrassed because she didn't talk to me much before going on vacation for most of the summer.
Meanwhile, there was Callahan, who I wasn't clicking with the way I thought I might. He was mainly interested in the physical aspect of being in a relationship. And don't get me wrong, he was handsome and I have needs, but when he holds me, I can't help but feel how much younger he is than me, how inexperienced. If I am going to be Ellie forever then I might have to stay alone for a while because the difference between me and everyone around me is too glaring, even after a year. I don't understand how Emily puts herself through it.
The good news is, if I wanted to know, I can ask. Emily obviously has the same spotty educational record as Ellie, so she's still here with me, while her boyfriend is off at University of Michigan, and Callahan is at University of Miami. I don't even know what she thinks of all this.
For now, the plan is just to soldier on, take it day by day as Ellie, year by year if necessary. It's depressing sometimes, to be stuck here, but I guess that's what being a teenager is.
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Monday, September 03, 2012
Tori: Done and gone
So... where was I.
Alex, aka George, gave me some time to think about the decision. For me it really wasn't a decision but I needed a lot of time to figure out how I was going to tell him that without revealing that it was because I have been to the Inn already.
We met up on a Saturday early in August when neither of us was working, at an outdoor cafe. I was probably trying to be cool, like in the movies, where you see people having top secret meetings in public. Also I was scared of what might happen if we were alone.
I sat down with him and began, "I've thought a lot about what you've told me... about yourself, about this magic Inn that transforms people... about your offer. I've spent a long time considering the possibilities."
I told him plainly, "I'm sorry... I don't want this. Alex, if you can move into this new life, why can't you come back and meet me again and tell me it's you? Why do you need me to go?" Since we know the Inn curse doesn't really work on me, and he's already told me, I thought I was being clever.
He twisted in his seat. "This new life of mine... it's going to be a long way away from here. And I'm not going to be able to come back to Philadelphia. If you love me, if you want to stay with me, you would have to come with me. Not just to the new place, but in a new life. That's the only way. It won't work if you're still... I mean, it would be a sacrifice, but it would be the only way. The only way. Please reconsider." He kept saying that, 'the only way.' It made me grit my teeth.
"I can't, though. My life, my family, my friends... you can't tell me it should be easy for me to walk away from that. If you were still George, and you had a chance to change your life, would you do it?"
"If I knew what I know now? That I'd be happy and in love and successful for the rest of my life? Yes."
He was making it so hard. So painful, but I swallowed my fear and told him again. I knew I was doing the right thing. "No. Still. I'm sorry."
"I'm sorry too," he said. "I wish I could come back to you in a new body and say it's me... it's Alex... but you know there's a funny thing about this Inn curse. It keeps people from figuring it out. If you tell someone you've been to the inn, they won't believe you because they can't understand... unless they've been."
I gulped.
"But you do understand. So tell me again, Tori..." he said slowly, like he was putting quotation marks around my name, "Why don't you want to come back with me?"
I let out a fearful sigh. There was a long pause before I finally said, "You figured it out." I was shattered.
"You didn't react like someone who had never been to the Inn. You knew all the questions to ask. I could see you sorting it out in your head. Why didn't you think you could tell me?"
"I was worried that if you knew - that I was like you - that would make you think you could convince me to go. But I'm not like you. You're George in Alex's body, and I'm... I am Tori, okay? Nothing else matters about me and I could never walk away from this and I hope you'll understand. Just because I know what it's like to become another person doesn't mean I would ever want to again."
"I wish I could say the same," he said. "I wish I had a choice, even. But promises have been made. Deals are in motion, so for you and me, it's now or never."
I began to say, "If we could get more time..."
"We've had a year together," he said, "And it's been an amazing year. This is our only way forward together."
"Stop saying that," I said, "Please, stop acting like you don't have a choice. We can make it work, Alex, if we care about each other..."
"I'm doing this because I care about you," he said again. "I want the best for you, and you're never going to get it in Philly, striving for a career that you might never get back."
I paused, "I... what do you mean, get back?"
"Well that was sort of a clue, in retrospect," he said. "Beautiful girl like you. Used to be a hairdresser. One day you decide you're into computers? I can't believe I didn't see it right away."
I smiled in spite of myself, embarrassed. "Yeah," I sighed, "When I knew I was staying as Tori, that was a... direction I had to take."
His mood turned back to a bit humorous, "I guess in your old life, the guys weren't exactly lining up to date you, were they."
I almost laughed right out loud, but held it back and finally said, "No. No they definitely were not."
"If you're worried that you won't look good after the transformation, I can assure you--"
"It's not about that," I said firmly.
"That's why we're finally having this conversation," he said, that handsome gleam in his eye, "You fascinate me, Tori. I love how you didn't decide to skate by on your looks. A lot of people misjudge you because of who they think you are, but you're smart. And I want to get to know you more. The real you."
"You already do know the real me," I said. "I'm an honest person. I'm not comfortable taking the easy way out."
"I'm sorry you think of it that way," he said. "I'm sorry you're not more curious about the world outside of this city, where you can be so much more. Why are you so afraid to take a chance?"
Deep breath. "Because deep down, all I want, for the rest of my life, is to forget that Inn ever happened to me. I started fresh once, years ago, and I'm not doing it again. I'm keeping this life, for the good and the bad. You keep making me these vague promises for a better life, but there has to be a way for me to be happy without ever setting foot in that place again. There has to be. If that means you and I are done...
"This isn't easy for me, Alex," I said with a sniff. "If you love me... let me go."
"Okay," he whispered, obviously shaken. "Tori... if that's your decision... your final, final decision... there's nothing I can say to change your mind. Just know that I love you. No matter what. Whatever happens... I just hope you don't regret this someday."
And then he left. And that's the last I saw of him. I don't know if he was in Maine when Greg was. I don't know who he's become, or who's become him, if it was the original Alex or someone else. I don't know anything. I'm a little scared to ask.
Those words have haunted me all month, though. "Hope you don't regret this."
Alex, aka George, gave me some time to think about the decision. For me it really wasn't a decision but I needed a lot of time to figure out how I was going to tell him that without revealing that it was because I have been to the Inn already.
We met up on a Saturday early in August when neither of us was working, at an outdoor cafe. I was probably trying to be cool, like in the movies, where you see people having top secret meetings in public. Also I was scared of what might happen if we were alone.
I sat down with him and began, "I've thought a lot about what you've told me... about yourself, about this magic Inn that transforms people... about your offer. I've spent a long time considering the possibilities."
I told him plainly, "I'm sorry... I don't want this. Alex, if you can move into this new life, why can't you come back and meet me again and tell me it's you? Why do you need me to go?" Since we know the Inn curse doesn't really work on me, and he's already told me, I thought I was being clever.
He twisted in his seat. "This new life of mine... it's going to be a long way away from here. And I'm not going to be able to come back to Philadelphia. If you love me, if you want to stay with me, you would have to come with me. Not just to the new place, but in a new life. That's the only way. It won't work if you're still... I mean, it would be a sacrifice, but it would be the only way. The only way. Please reconsider." He kept saying that, 'the only way.' It made me grit my teeth.
"I can't, though. My life, my family, my friends... you can't tell me it should be easy for me to walk away from that. If you were still George, and you had a chance to change your life, would you do it?"
"If I knew what I know now? That I'd be happy and in love and successful for the rest of my life? Yes."
He was making it so hard. So painful, but I swallowed my fear and told him again. I knew I was doing the right thing. "No. Still. I'm sorry."
"I'm sorry too," he said. "I wish I could come back to you in a new body and say it's me... it's Alex... but you know there's a funny thing about this Inn curse. It keeps people from figuring it out. If you tell someone you've been to the inn, they won't believe you because they can't understand... unless they've been."
I gulped.
"But you do understand. So tell me again, Tori..." he said slowly, like he was putting quotation marks around my name, "Why don't you want to come back with me?"
I let out a fearful sigh. There was a long pause before I finally said, "You figured it out." I was shattered.
"You didn't react like someone who had never been to the Inn. You knew all the questions to ask. I could see you sorting it out in your head. Why didn't you think you could tell me?"
"I was worried that if you knew - that I was like you - that would make you think you could convince me to go. But I'm not like you. You're George in Alex's body, and I'm... I am Tori, okay? Nothing else matters about me and I could never walk away from this and I hope you'll understand. Just because I know what it's like to become another person doesn't mean I would ever want to again."
"I wish I could say the same," he said. "I wish I had a choice, even. But promises have been made. Deals are in motion, so for you and me, it's now or never."
I began to say, "If we could get more time..."
"We've had a year together," he said, "And it's been an amazing year. This is our only way forward together."
"Stop saying that," I said, "Please, stop acting like you don't have a choice. We can make it work, Alex, if we care about each other..."
"I'm doing this because I care about you," he said again. "I want the best for you, and you're never going to get it in Philly, striving for a career that you might never get back."
I paused, "I... what do you mean, get back?"
"Well that was sort of a clue, in retrospect," he said. "Beautiful girl like you. Used to be a hairdresser. One day you decide you're into computers? I can't believe I didn't see it right away."
I smiled in spite of myself, embarrassed. "Yeah," I sighed, "When I knew I was staying as Tori, that was a... direction I had to take."
His mood turned back to a bit humorous, "I guess in your old life, the guys weren't exactly lining up to date you, were they."
I almost laughed right out loud, but held it back and finally said, "No. No they definitely were not."
"If you're worried that you won't look good after the transformation, I can assure you--"
"It's not about that," I said firmly.
"That's why we're finally having this conversation," he said, that handsome gleam in his eye, "You fascinate me, Tori. I love how you didn't decide to skate by on your looks. A lot of people misjudge you because of who they think you are, but you're smart. And I want to get to know you more. The real you."
"You already do know the real me," I said. "I'm an honest person. I'm not comfortable taking the easy way out."
"I'm sorry you think of it that way," he said. "I'm sorry you're not more curious about the world outside of this city, where you can be so much more. Why are you so afraid to take a chance?"
Deep breath. "Because deep down, all I want, for the rest of my life, is to forget that Inn ever happened to me. I started fresh once, years ago, and I'm not doing it again. I'm keeping this life, for the good and the bad. You keep making me these vague promises for a better life, but there has to be a way for me to be happy without ever setting foot in that place again. There has to be. If that means you and I are done...
"This isn't easy for me, Alex," I said with a sniff. "If you love me... let me go."
"Okay," he whispered, obviously shaken. "Tori... if that's your decision... your final, final decision... there's nothing I can say to change your mind. Just know that I love you. No matter what. Whatever happens... I just hope you don't regret this someday."
And then he left. And that's the last I saw of him. I don't know if he was in Maine when Greg was. I don't know who he's become, or who's become him, if it was the original Alex or someone else. I don't know anything. I'm a little scared to ask.
Those words have haunted me all month, though. "Hope you don't regret this."
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Greg/Kurt:: Another day, another...
Right. So for everyone not insightful enough to notice the change in name in the blog post title, I'm in a different body now. Again. Took long enough, didn't happen until Saturday night and Malinda was freaking out. If we didn't have 13 people by Sunday morning, I was going to call Fletcher and see if some other travellers would even things out , but I'm really glad it didn't come down to that, not only because he's weird but because he'd probably make me do things for/with him in return.
Anyway, Saturday night I was reading the internet my phone in bed when I felt the tingling sensation. I took a deep breath and looked down and saw dark hair sprouting out of my legs. My first two years at the inn I was asleep for the changes, but I watched them happen live last year. Weird as it sounds, I actually like to watch it live. Its kind of horror movie but it makes it feel like less of a shock if you watch it happen in real time. Either way I stripped naked and headed into the bathroom and by the time I looked in the mirror I had hair growing out of my chest, armpits, and pubic area as well.
If I had to describe the change from a woman to a man in one word it would be "growing". You can feel everything about you getting bigger. Your height, your muscle tone, and...your genitals. It was weird watching a penis grow back after so long without one, heck it's weird having one again still after 2 days but it's not as big a shock as not having one was.
When it was all over, a dude was staring back at me in the mirror. Not muscular, not fat, not ugly, not hot. Brown hair, brown eyes, white skin. Just kind of dude. I flexed my muscles and looked over myself in the mirror when I heard a knocking at my door. I put on the robe I brought (which was a bit short now) and went to the door to find Malinda, the real Malinda. The pretty blonde who had stayed in the room next to me a year ago but was a lot bitchier back then.
"It worked!" She shrieked bursting into my room and jumping up and down "It worked Greg, it worked it worked! You are Greg, right?"
"Yes" I assured her "It changes the body, not the minds"
"I'm so happy to be me" she said hugging me "Thank you so much for your help"
"No problem" As I said that there was a scream of horror from down the hall "It sounds like others are going to be in need of help"
"Should we offer?" she suggested
"Wait until morning" I said "All this changing has made me sleepy"
*******
I woke up Sunday morning and after I got over how weird everything felt I got dressed in some of Kurt's clothes, read his letter one more time, and went out into the lobby to see what was going on.
When I got out there I saw some people in ill fitting clothes in the lobby standing around listening to Malinda finish explaining things "It's important to remember that this can only be temporary and you just have to do your best to make it through the next year"
When she was done talking the people went back to their rooms to presumably look at their letters and luggage. I walked up to her and said "Well aren't you the good little leader" jokingly.
"I figured since I knew what was happening, and I'm in my right body, that it would be helpful for them to gain from my experience. I told them about your blog too"
"More pageviews, awesome. So what's next?"
"I fly out of Portland tonight, you?"
"Lucky. My guy took the Amtrak. He's got a monthly pass or something"
We helped each other pack and answered questions of other guests until it was checkout time at noon, when we took our luggage and waited in front of the inn for the real Sharon and Alexis.
Sharon showed up first, we noticed the big rig pulling up was the same one that had been parked in front of our condo a few months ago when she came to yell at Malinda. Sharon in Jack's body got out and took his suitcase towards the inn when we realized he didn't recognize us so I called to her using her real name. She looked at us weird and walked over slowly. "Greg?" she said eyeing both of us, not sure which one was which.
"Me" I spoke up "Male again"
"Can't say I envy you. I can't wait to get rid of this thing."
We talked a few minutes and Malinda filled her in on a few details when a Taxi cab came up and a middle aged brunette got out.
"Honey" Sharon squealed in a hilarious way "You made it"
The real Alexis, who spent the last year in Minnesota as Selena Bookman, walked up to her spouse and gave her a long, satisfied hug. "Her marriage is going to be strained. That idiot she's married too didn't want me to go but she'll have to get over it"
We gave them a little bit of advice and reminded them to sleep separately in the correct rooms, otherwise they might end up as each other. We said one last goodbye before Alex gave me a hug.
"Thanks for keeping my life in order, Greg. I couldn't have asked for anyone better"
"Its what I do" I said in a Han Solo manner that made me feel like a bad ass.
Malinda and I split Selena's cap to Portland where I hugged her goodbye "Tulsa isn't far from where I live. Visit sometime"
With that, my once pretend gay wife went to board her plane.
As for me, I'm in Washington DC. For those of you that Aren't American I should explain that Amtrak, the US passenger rail line, is complete garbage outside of the Northeast, and doesn't even go to Tulsa. I have to go to Kansas City and take a bus to Oklahoma. So now I'm in the train station on the laptop this body came with, awaiting details on my next adventure.
Happy Trails, (I'll be in cowboy country soon)
Greg
Anyway, Saturday night I was reading the internet my phone in bed when I felt the tingling sensation. I took a deep breath and looked down and saw dark hair sprouting out of my legs. My first two years at the inn I was asleep for the changes, but I watched them happen live last year. Weird as it sounds, I actually like to watch it live. Its kind of horror movie but it makes it feel like less of a shock if you watch it happen in real time. Either way I stripped naked and headed into the bathroom and by the time I looked in the mirror I had hair growing out of my chest, armpits, and pubic area as well.
If I had to describe the change from a woman to a man in one word it would be "growing". You can feel everything about you getting bigger. Your height, your muscle tone, and...your genitals. It was weird watching a penis grow back after so long without one, heck it's weird having one again still after 2 days but it's not as big a shock as not having one was.
When it was all over, a dude was staring back at me in the mirror. Not muscular, not fat, not ugly, not hot. Brown hair, brown eyes, white skin. Just kind of dude. I flexed my muscles and looked over myself in the mirror when I heard a knocking at my door. I put on the robe I brought (which was a bit short now) and went to the door to find Malinda, the real Malinda. The pretty blonde who had stayed in the room next to me a year ago but was a lot bitchier back then.
"It worked!" She shrieked bursting into my room and jumping up and down "It worked Greg, it worked it worked! You are Greg, right?"
"Yes" I assured her "It changes the body, not the minds"
"I'm so happy to be me" she said hugging me "Thank you so much for your help"
"No problem" As I said that there was a scream of horror from down the hall "It sounds like others are going to be in need of help"
"Should we offer?" she suggested
"Wait until morning" I said "All this changing has made me sleepy"
*******
I woke up Sunday morning and after I got over how weird everything felt I got dressed in some of Kurt's clothes, read his letter one more time, and went out into the lobby to see what was going on.
When I got out there I saw some people in ill fitting clothes in the lobby standing around listening to Malinda finish explaining things "It's important to remember that this can only be temporary and you just have to do your best to make it through the next year"
When she was done talking the people went back to their rooms to presumably look at their letters and luggage. I walked up to her and said "Well aren't you the good little leader" jokingly.
"I figured since I knew what was happening, and I'm in my right body, that it would be helpful for them to gain from my experience. I told them about your blog too"
"More pageviews, awesome. So what's next?"
"I fly out of Portland tonight, you?"
"Lucky. My guy took the Amtrak. He's got a monthly pass or something"
We helped each other pack and answered questions of other guests until it was checkout time at noon, when we took our luggage and waited in front of the inn for the real Sharon and Alexis.
Sharon showed up first, we noticed the big rig pulling up was the same one that had been parked in front of our condo a few months ago when she came to yell at Malinda. Sharon in Jack's body got out and took his suitcase towards the inn when we realized he didn't recognize us so I called to her using her real name. She looked at us weird and walked over slowly. "Greg?" she said eyeing both of us, not sure which one was which.
"Me" I spoke up "Male again"
"Can't say I envy you. I can't wait to get rid of this thing."
We talked a few minutes and Malinda filled her in on a few details when a Taxi cab came up and a middle aged brunette got out.
"Honey" Sharon squealed in a hilarious way "You made it"
The real Alexis, who spent the last year in Minnesota as Selena Bookman, walked up to her spouse and gave her a long, satisfied hug. "Her marriage is going to be strained. That idiot she's married too didn't want me to go but she'll have to get over it"
We gave them a little bit of advice and reminded them to sleep separately in the correct rooms, otherwise they might end up as each other. We said one last goodbye before Alex gave me a hug.
"Thanks for keeping my life in order, Greg. I couldn't have asked for anyone better"
"Its what I do" I said in a Han Solo manner that made me feel like a bad ass.
Malinda and I split Selena's cap to Portland where I hugged her goodbye "Tulsa isn't far from where I live. Visit sometime"
With that, my once pretend gay wife went to board her plane.
As for me, I'm in Washington DC. For those of you that Aren't American I should explain that Amtrak, the US passenger rail line, is complete garbage outside of the Northeast, and doesn't even go to Tulsa. I have to go to Kansas City and take a bus to Oklahoma. So now I'm in the train station on the laptop this body came with, awaiting details on my next adventure.
Happy Trails, (I'll be in cowboy country soon)
Greg
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Greg/Still Alexis: Any Minute Now
There are people, usually families, who spend their vacations every year going to the same place every year. My aunt and uncle were like that and I always thought it was pretty boring. Now I'm the same way, by default. Every year I check in to the same little hotel in Old Orchard Beach and go through something bizarre and other worldly that has become almost routine for me. Although I do get the added bonus of going home to a new place every year.
This year that place is Tulsa, Oklahoma. I toyed with the idea of keeping the readers in suspense by not saying who I was going to become after I read the note, but I scrapped it when I realized that it was mean and might seem silly if I dont become that person.
That said, I'M GOING TO BE A GUY AGAIN!. The previous tenant in this room was one Kurt Chalker of Tulsa. He's 27, single, and works as a manager at an electronics store. Took a tour of the upper Eastern Seaboard and wound up here. And then turned into a Chinese business man looking to invest in Portland. He's over there right now, and he does NOT speak Chinese. Still, worse things could have happened.
Malinda is all set. Her suitcase is full of her old clothes and things and her purse and wallet are all there too. She's super giddy all the time so we do normal vacation stuff to keep her mind off of it.
Of course "normal vacation things" are always going to be tainted by the knowledge that everyone you see at the hotel is going to have their life changed and there is NOTHING you can do about it. I'm sure at least someone else is here to be changed, but its hard to start that conversation. We inn goers need a code word or something.
We spend a lot of time at the beach, tanning these bodies so their real owners will look like they were on vacation. Sometimes we act as wife and wife and hold hands while we walk down the beach, just to see who notices and stares. Nobody really caused any trouble though, but staring at each other in swimsuits all day did kind of work us up a little bit to the point where we would go back to the hotel and fool around, being very very careful to be in our correct rooms in case the change happened that night.
Its weird waiting for it. Its near impossible to get a full and exact count of how many people are in the rooms at once so you never know if it's 13 when youre in yours. So I stay up late at night, waiting for that familiar tingling only to fall asleep and wake up, waiting for the next night.
Until then it's shopping, tanning, and waiting
-Greg
This year that place is Tulsa, Oklahoma. I toyed with the idea of keeping the readers in suspense by not saying who I was going to become after I read the note, but I scrapped it when I realized that it was mean and might seem silly if I dont become that person.
That said, I'M GOING TO BE A GUY AGAIN!. The previous tenant in this room was one Kurt Chalker of Tulsa. He's 27, single, and works as a manager at an electronics store. Took a tour of the upper Eastern Seaboard and wound up here. And then turned into a Chinese business man looking to invest in Portland. He's over there right now, and he does NOT speak Chinese. Still, worse things could have happened.
Malinda is all set. Her suitcase is full of her old clothes and things and her purse and wallet are all there too. She's super giddy all the time so we do normal vacation stuff to keep her mind off of it.
Of course "normal vacation things" are always going to be tainted by the knowledge that everyone you see at the hotel is going to have their life changed and there is NOTHING you can do about it. I'm sure at least someone else is here to be changed, but its hard to start that conversation. We inn goers need a code word or something.
We spend a lot of time at the beach, tanning these bodies so their real owners will look like they were on vacation. Sometimes we act as wife and wife and hold hands while we walk down the beach, just to see who notices and stares. Nobody really caused any trouble though, but staring at each other in swimsuits all day did kind of work us up a little bit to the point where we would go back to the hotel and fool around, being very very careful to be in our correct rooms in case the change happened that night.
Its weird waiting for it. Its near impossible to get a full and exact count of how many people are in the rooms at once so you never know if it's 13 when youre in yours. So I stay up late at night, waiting for that familiar tingling only to fall asleep and wake up, waiting for the next night.
Until then it's shopping, tanning, and waiting
-Greg
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
Greg/Alexis: Exit (36) Strategy
When you're about about to go to the Trading Post Inn, and you know what is going to happen there, there can be a looming sense of dread and anticipation. Knowing that soon you will be someone different can really mess with your head, which is why towards the end of my adventure as Alexis I'm trying not to think about it much.
It helps that I'm in a comfortable situation. Malinda and I have spent the last couple weeks coupling, just having a relaxed time together and not sweating the small stuff, (its easy not to sweat the small stuff when your leaving too, this house is kinda dirty). Malinda is visibly excited about going back, she thought it would never get here. I'm cautiously optimistic for her but didn't let it show as we spent the last week sitting around in the air conditioning ogling the female Olympic Athletes.
Sunday was the day we left and that morning Malinda woke me up like a kid on Christmas. "Moving Day" she said excitedly.
"Our last night in the same bed" I mused
"We have up to 2 weeks at the inn...it can be a couples vacation for us"
I shook my head "Nope, not risking it. After what happened with Lisa and Zane and all them, I'm not going to risk being next to you when the change begins. I might wind up in your body, and I dont feel like I can pretend to be that snotty" She threw a pillow at me playfully and went downstairs to make breakfast.
Old Orchard Beach is roughly 3 and a half hours from Burlington depending on how fast you go and the weather, so we were leaving mid afternoon, that allowed me to wrap up some final loose ends from my time as Alexis Barco.
My first stop was work,where I had to drop off some files and USB sticks for George, the person who will be acting as manager for the next two weeks. You might recall that I went on a bit of a "spirit quest" earlier in the year to meet Fletcher in Canada, doing that ate up the vacation time I was going to use for the inn trip, so officially the next 4 weeks or so are going to be a "leave of absence" which is like a vacation but Alexis isn't going to be paid for them.
The next stop was Target to pick up some things for the trip, not for me per se, but for the person who potentially becomes me. It's all organized for Alexis to stay in my room right after me and get her body back, but as we know, stuff happens. So I'm preparing a bit of a "survival kit" for anyone that gets this body but doesn't know how to cope with it. These things include comfy sweatpants, simple underwear, sports bra, and a baseball cap. I even wrote a note explaining who Alexis and Sharon are if things went REALLY wrong.
My final stop was the post office, where I was going to mail a letter. It's been years since I've used snail mail but the slowness of the delivery was a benefit in this case. The letter was a simple note addressed to Annabelle saying "I miss being friends, lets hang out when I get back" wrapped around a photo of Alex and Annabelle from their hockey playing days. Hopefully that will sow the seeds to restore their friendship that I messed up.
When I got back I helped Malinda load the bags into the Range Rover and we looked back at the condo.
"Goodbye, home" I said with a mock wave
"For better or for worse, I'll never forget it" Malinda said and squeezed my hand.
"The inn changes you on the inside too, but you have a little more control over that. I'd say all in all you've turned out pretty cool"
"I was always cool" she teased
"Maybe" I said as I tossed her the keys "You earned it"
She caught them and looked at them for a moment "You never let me drive"
"I didn't trust you before. Or I didn't like you before, one of those things"
"Stop teasing or I'll leave without you"
We drove off away from the sunset and got to the Inn late last night. Not many people here yet so I'll probably post at least once more from this body before things change.
-Greg
PS 36 is the exit number for Old Orchard Beach off of I-195. But don't go there, seriously. It's not all lesbian sex and luxury SUV's ;)
It helps that I'm in a comfortable situation. Malinda and I have spent the last couple weeks coupling, just having a relaxed time together and not sweating the small stuff, (its easy not to sweat the small stuff when your leaving too, this house is kinda dirty). Malinda is visibly excited about going back, she thought it would never get here. I'm cautiously optimistic for her but didn't let it show as we spent the last week sitting around in the air conditioning ogling the female Olympic Athletes.
Sunday was the day we left and that morning Malinda woke me up like a kid on Christmas. "Moving Day" she said excitedly.
"Our last night in the same bed" I mused
"We have up to 2 weeks at the inn...it can be a couples vacation for us"
I shook my head "Nope, not risking it. After what happened with Lisa and Zane and all them, I'm not going to risk being next to you when the change begins. I might wind up in your body, and I dont feel like I can pretend to be that snotty" She threw a pillow at me playfully and went downstairs to make breakfast.
Old Orchard Beach is roughly 3 and a half hours from Burlington depending on how fast you go and the weather, so we were leaving mid afternoon, that allowed me to wrap up some final loose ends from my time as Alexis Barco.
My first stop was work,where I had to drop off some files and USB sticks for George, the person who will be acting as manager for the next two weeks. You might recall that I went on a bit of a "spirit quest" earlier in the year to meet Fletcher in Canada, doing that ate up the vacation time I was going to use for the inn trip, so officially the next 4 weeks or so are going to be a "leave of absence" which is like a vacation but Alexis isn't going to be paid for them.
The next stop was Target to pick up some things for the trip, not for me per se, but for the person who potentially becomes me. It's all organized for Alexis to stay in my room right after me and get her body back, but as we know, stuff happens. So I'm preparing a bit of a "survival kit" for anyone that gets this body but doesn't know how to cope with it. These things include comfy sweatpants, simple underwear, sports bra, and a baseball cap. I even wrote a note explaining who Alexis and Sharon are if things went REALLY wrong.
My final stop was the post office, where I was going to mail a letter. It's been years since I've used snail mail but the slowness of the delivery was a benefit in this case. The letter was a simple note addressed to Annabelle saying "I miss being friends, lets hang out when I get back" wrapped around a photo of Alex and Annabelle from their hockey playing days. Hopefully that will sow the seeds to restore their friendship that I messed up.
When I got back I helped Malinda load the bags into the Range Rover and we looked back at the condo.
"Goodbye, home" I said with a mock wave
"For better or for worse, I'll never forget it" Malinda said and squeezed my hand.
"The inn changes you on the inside too, but you have a little more control over that. I'd say all in all you've turned out pretty cool"
"I was always cool" she teased
"Maybe" I said as I tossed her the keys "You earned it"
She caught them and looked at them for a moment "You never let me drive"
"I didn't trust you before. Or I didn't like you before, one of those things"
"Stop teasing or I'll leave without you"
We drove off away from the sunset and got to the Inn late last night. Not many people here yet so I'll probably post at least once more from this body before things change.
-Greg
PS 36 is the exit number for Old Orchard Beach off of I-195. But don't go there, seriously. It's not all lesbian sex and luxury SUV's ;)
Tuesday, August 07, 2012
Tori: Reverting
For a while after Alex told me the truth about him, it was like was had agreed to break up.
It was weird the way we left it. Even though we were such an important part of each other's life for a year, suddenly he drops this bomb on me and disappears, pre-emptively ending our relationship before he was even gone. And me... god, I'm ashamed of myself. Suddenly it was like I was Cliff again, afraid to peel back the curtain and TALK to him.
Truth-telling time: When I was a guy, I ruined a few potential relationships because I was afraid to check in on somebody when things were in doubt. Things could have been salvaged. I've come to prefer being a woman partly because I'm more comfortable being pursued, and now when the chips are down, I revert back to old habits. I was a little disgusted with myself when I realized that. I spent weeks mourning a relationship that had not ended yet.
I went and saw Alex - I won't call him George because he's Alex to me. I told him to meet me at a cafe near our old workplace on his lunchbreak.
He sat down across from me. "I'm so glad you called," he said.
"I've spent a lot of time thinking about what you told me. Trying to make sense of it." I stammered for a bit, assessing the situation... letting him know my "grasp" of it based on the idea that I'd never heard of the Inn before, before finally saying "So all of this means you have to leave... you have to stop being Alex... you have to give this person back his body. But whoever you are... we've grown very close over the last year. Tell me that isn't a lie."
"It's isn't," he said firmly.
I took a deep breath, "Then I don't see why this has to be the end for us. I don't see why I can't meet the real George Mueller. Why we can't still be together."
He smiled. "Tori, I keep asking myself that same question. If I could walk out of that Inn the same old George I used to be... if I could come back to Philly and hold you in my arms I would. You're half the reason I stayed as Alex. The other half, though, is that there isn't a George Mueller to go back to. Don't ask why, it's a long story, but I've spent the last year trying to figure out how to make it work. How to keep you and give Alex back his body and find a new one for myself... and that's when I met them."
My back tensed. "Them?"
"It's sort of hard to explain, Tori... see, there's a lot of people out there who get caught up in this. I wouldn't wish it on anyone, of course, but it's sort of a support group, slash... agency. They use the inn to trade bodies, to arrange for transformations. Deliberate ones, to benefit people. And they've found something for me."
At first I was thinking of Fletcher and his travelers... but that didn't sound quite right. From what I know, Fletcher and his friends just kind of float around. There's nothing deliberate about it. My teeth clenched. This was getting weird.
He went on, "They have a lot of resources, they pulled some strings... it's not important. But part of this deal means I have to take on someone else's life for a while. Again. And that's going to keep me away from you... I know you don't do well with long distance relationships but there's not much I can do. I already promised I would be out of Alex's life by the end of the summer."
I sat there quietly. All I could say was "So... it's out of your control?"
"Yes," he said. "They were pretty specific. They won't even let me tell you who I'm going to become."
"I see," I said, breathlessly.
"Unless..." he said, "You want to go with me?"
I lifted my eyes. My jaw fell open. My throat caught itself trying to say "What?" like I was a female Michael Cera.
"I know this is a long shot," he said, "Like I said, I wouldn't wish my experience on anyone, but good things can come out of it, and I think maybe... if everything goes according to plan, if you take this risk with me, we can be happy together. We can make it work. I must sound so crazy right now, but I think I could convince them to give us a good start."
"It's so crazy," he went on, "And I feel like a jerk for even asking. It's just that I feel like maybe... it could be good for you. A fresh start. Sometimes I see you when you don't think I'm looking... I see this look on your face when you think about your life, and it's not all you think it could be. And you've spent so much time lately figuring out how to get to the next phase in your life... your job, our relationship... wouldn't it be nice to just skip ahead? Wouldn't it be nice to start something together where we knew we could have it all figured out?"
He began to get up from the table. "You don't need to give me an answer now. We have all month. Think it over. These people can do a lot for us... money, security, a great life... I know it must seem like a big risk, but if there was ever a sure chance for happiness for us in this world, it's this."
He leaned over and kissed me. I was still stunned. I've been stunned ever since. Every time I think about it, my stomach twists.
I've been thinking about it a lot. The truth is... he has a point. Him saying that proves he gets me, regardless of knowing the truth. I've been dissatisfied with a lot of the turns my life has taken, hit a lot of dead ends trying to make this career work and get back on a path. For a lot of that, the only thing that's kept me sane and happy has been this relationship, and a lot of "that look" has been my concern that I should be happy with things other than my relationship. And I value that so much that when I thought it was ending - first because we fought, then because of the truth - I wanted to curl up and die.
What Alex is offering is this mysterious fresh start... it's tempting. Keep him, and use this mysterious group (Pygmalion? Someone else?) for my own benefit... all while stealing or borrowing someone else's life. I would feel very guilty about that. Not everyone would be as understanding as ex-Tori about being removed from their life. I think I remember reading Fletcher saying "it's going to happen to someone anyway." If they're as influential as George says, then this decision could set me up for life.
But it's not just that. It's me. It's all the work, all the blood, sweat and tears I've put into this life for the last three years, going from a frightened little boy to a thriving, happy woman. Say something goes wrong and I become the man, and Alex the woman... would he be able to cope? Would I? I already scoffed at the idea of taking my own old life back. If I ended up that way, I might be able to adjust back, but I think I would resent Alex for taking me out of a very comfortable situation... and that's not even counting me urging him to get used to it.
In a way, it would be easier if I told him the truth about me. He'd know I know where he's coming from, and maybe we could work it out from there. I'm still undecided, though. If you were me, and you were a woman who used to be a guy... you might be reluctant to tell your boyfriend. Inn or no inn, a lot of guys can't handle that, and I don't want him looking at me and imagining Cliff. Besides, I'm worried that if I admit it to him, he'll use it as a reason why I should go along with his plan. "What's another body to you? It's not like you're really Tori."
I can't. I can't walk away from this, no matter how shitty my life sometimes feels. This isn't just a body to me, this is my life. This is home. There's nothing that's going to change that for me. I just became an aunt, and when I held that little baby girl Aurora, I felt more amazed at the world than I have in a very long time. I have a sister that I've watched grow into an amazing young lady. I have friends who, without realizing it, helped me learn to become myself. I can't leave that in the hands of another person.
And that kills me, because it means that very soon, I'm going to be on my own again.
Annnnd... I'm crying again.
It was weird the way we left it. Even though we were such an important part of each other's life for a year, suddenly he drops this bomb on me and disappears, pre-emptively ending our relationship before he was even gone. And me... god, I'm ashamed of myself. Suddenly it was like I was Cliff again, afraid to peel back the curtain and TALK to him.
Truth-telling time: When I was a guy, I ruined a few potential relationships because I was afraid to check in on somebody when things were in doubt. Things could have been salvaged. I've come to prefer being a woman partly because I'm more comfortable being pursued, and now when the chips are down, I revert back to old habits. I was a little disgusted with myself when I realized that. I spent weeks mourning a relationship that had not ended yet.
I went and saw Alex - I won't call him George because he's Alex to me. I told him to meet me at a cafe near our old workplace on his lunchbreak.
He sat down across from me. "I'm so glad you called," he said.
"I've spent a lot of time thinking about what you told me. Trying to make sense of it." I stammered for a bit, assessing the situation... letting him know my "grasp" of it based on the idea that I'd never heard of the Inn before, before finally saying "So all of this means you have to leave... you have to stop being Alex... you have to give this person back his body. But whoever you are... we've grown very close over the last year. Tell me that isn't a lie."
"It's isn't," he said firmly.
I took a deep breath, "Then I don't see why this has to be the end for us. I don't see why I can't meet the real George Mueller. Why we can't still be together."
He smiled. "Tori, I keep asking myself that same question. If I could walk out of that Inn the same old George I used to be... if I could come back to Philly and hold you in my arms I would. You're half the reason I stayed as Alex. The other half, though, is that there isn't a George Mueller to go back to. Don't ask why, it's a long story, but I've spent the last year trying to figure out how to make it work. How to keep you and give Alex back his body and find a new one for myself... and that's when I met them."
My back tensed. "Them?"
"It's sort of hard to explain, Tori... see, there's a lot of people out there who get caught up in this. I wouldn't wish it on anyone, of course, but it's sort of a support group, slash... agency. They use the inn to trade bodies, to arrange for transformations. Deliberate ones, to benefit people. And they've found something for me."
At first I was thinking of Fletcher and his travelers... but that didn't sound quite right. From what I know, Fletcher and his friends just kind of float around. There's nothing deliberate about it. My teeth clenched. This was getting weird.
He went on, "They have a lot of resources, they pulled some strings... it's not important. But part of this deal means I have to take on someone else's life for a while. Again. And that's going to keep me away from you... I know you don't do well with long distance relationships but there's not much I can do. I already promised I would be out of Alex's life by the end of the summer."
I sat there quietly. All I could say was "So... it's out of your control?"
"Yes," he said. "They were pretty specific. They won't even let me tell you who I'm going to become."
"I see," I said, breathlessly.
"Unless..." he said, "You want to go with me?"
I lifted my eyes. My jaw fell open. My throat caught itself trying to say "What?" like I was a female Michael Cera.
"I know this is a long shot," he said, "Like I said, I wouldn't wish my experience on anyone, but good things can come out of it, and I think maybe... if everything goes according to plan, if you take this risk with me, we can be happy together. We can make it work. I must sound so crazy right now, but I think I could convince them to give us a good start."
"It's so crazy," he went on, "And I feel like a jerk for even asking. It's just that I feel like maybe... it could be good for you. A fresh start. Sometimes I see you when you don't think I'm looking... I see this look on your face when you think about your life, and it's not all you think it could be. And you've spent so much time lately figuring out how to get to the next phase in your life... your job, our relationship... wouldn't it be nice to just skip ahead? Wouldn't it be nice to start something together where we knew we could have it all figured out?"
He began to get up from the table. "You don't need to give me an answer now. We have all month. Think it over. These people can do a lot for us... money, security, a great life... I know it must seem like a big risk, but if there was ever a sure chance for happiness for us in this world, it's this."
He leaned over and kissed me. I was still stunned. I've been stunned ever since. Every time I think about it, my stomach twists.
I've been thinking about it a lot. The truth is... he has a point. Him saying that proves he gets me, regardless of knowing the truth. I've been dissatisfied with a lot of the turns my life has taken, hit a lot of dead ends trying to make this career work and get back on a path. For a lot of that, the only thing that's kept me sane and happy has been this relationship, and a lot of "that look" has been my concern that I should be happy with things other than my relationship. And I value that so much that when I thought it was ending - first because we fought, then because of the truth - I wanted to curl up and die.
What Alex is offering is this mysterious fresh start... it's tempting. Keep him, and use this mysterious group (Pygmalion? Someone else?) for my own benefit... all while stealing or borrowing someone else's life. I would feel very guilty about that. Not everyone would be as understanding as ex-Tori about being removed from their life. I think I remember reading Fletcher saying "it's going to happen to someone anyway." If they're as influential as George says, then this decision could set me up for life.
But it's not just that. It's me. It's all the work, all the blood, sweat and tears I've put into this life for the last three years, going from a frightened little boy to a thriving, happy woman. Say something goes wrong and I become the man, and Alex the woman... would he be able to cope? Would I? I already scoffed at the idea of taking my own old life back. If I ended up that way, I might be able to adjust back, but I think I would resent Alex for taking me out of a very comfortable situation... and that's not even counting me urging him to get used to it.
In a way, it would be easier if I told him the truth about me. He'd know I know where he's coming from, and maybe we could work it out from there. I'm still undecided, though. If you were me, and you were a woman who used to be a guy... you might be reluctant to tell your boyfriend. Inn or no inn, a lot of guys can't handle that, and I don't want him looking at me and imagining Cliff. Besides, I'm worried that if I admit it to him, he'll use it as a reason why I should go along with his plan. "What's another body to you? It's not like you're really Tori."
I can't. I can't walk away from this, no matter how shitty my life sometimes feels. This isn't just a body to me, this is my life. This is home. There's nothing that's going to change that for me. I just became an aunt, and when I held that little baby girl Aurora, I felt more amazed at the world than I have in a very long time. I have a sister that I've watched grow into an amazing young lady. I have friends who, without realizing it, helped me learn to become myself. I can't leave that in the hands of another person.
And that kills me, because it means that very soon, I'm going to be on my own again.
Annnnd... I'm crying again.
Thursday, July 26, 2012
Greg/Alexis: Season Finale
Life is a big, crazy roller coaster. Not like a real life roller coaster but something that you would design in Roller Coaster Tycoon and none of the park guests would ride it because it was too crazy. Full of high hills, low valleys, and turns that will leave you dizzy and with neck pain. I dont know if its true of all life or I just notice it more because I'm so used to living someone else's life. I think the fact that major events in my life(s) have been chronicled on this blog for the last few years makes it more apparent as well.
When I last posted a little over 2 weeks ago, I was in the dumps. The sting of Amber having moved on permanently focused my attention on all that the inn had taken from me. Lately though, I've begun to appreciate all the unique experiences and situations the inn has given to me.
Over the past 12 months I've gained first hand insight on being gay, being a manager, living in Vermont, as well as much more insight into being a woman. I also learned how to be whatever role it was that I filled for Malinda. At first I was trying to be her guide or mentor then it evolved into babysitter until finally it became friend, which really is what all of us need most after the trauma of becoming someone else.
I'm glad now I didn't give up on her entirely because she was there when I needed a friend, and I think she could really sympathize with what I was going through and I didn't have to pretend to be anyone else around her.
So home life turned into girls night in on the weekdays and girls night out on the weekends, where we would go out drinking. And not "lets go to the bar for a few" drinking but "hardcore sorority girl scream really loud" drinking. I'll admit that I used to think that girls like that were vapid and annoying, but it is really fun to blow off steam and just dance like crazy. Malinda was really encouraging at getting me out of my shell at first and even politely declined when guys would ask her do dance. (I didn't get many invitations, even in a fancy dress and makeup the haircut and body type are a dead giveaway).
Anyway, Saturday night we got back to our place about 2 am still a little tipsy and I'm unsure how this next part progressed. Maybe it was her subtly teasing me about her getting more attention and me responding that I'd do better at a gay bar. Maybe it was flipping channels and her idly commenting on how cute some girl on tv was. Maybe it was us debating ordering a late night pizza and commenting on how it would go to her my thighs and her butt, and then each of us commenting on how nice each of those looked. Anyway it happened, we were face to face, talking, and then we interrupted each other with a kiss.
I froze. I remembered the fallout of our last kiss and didn't want it to happen again. "I'm sorry" I stammered "I dont know what came over me. I didn't mean to--"
She responded by kissing me again. Harder, with her hand around my head and her tongue in my mouth. "Don't talk me out of this" she said with a laugh. Overcome by my dry spell and the moment I rolled with it for a few more minutes before she began stroking my leg, which caused me to stroke hers in turn. Finally she took a deep breath, looked me in the eyes and said "Upstairs"
I wasn't going to second guess her so I stood up and took her by the hand upstairs. I wanted to carry her, but even in my fit form I'm not that strong as a girl. I pushed her down on the bed and took my shoes off. I began struggling out of my dress in a pretty unsexy way before lifting Malinda up, kissing her, and saying "unzip me". She obliged and I slithered out of my club dress.
She stared at me for a moment, kneeling there in only my thong, and idly stroked my abs "You ARE fit" she said, a bit awestruck. She continued exploring like a kid in a candy store, which makes sense because I was the first naked woman she'd seen under these circumstances. Finally she started slowly kissing my neck and I stroked her back while taking in the sensations. Eventually she started playing with my breast before moving her mouth down to my nipples. Clearly she felt like taking the lead in this.
Taking the passive role I unzipped her and laid down on the bed. She kissed and explored a little while longer before taking my panties off and getting to work. I fully expected her to be clumsy at it what with her being a bit of a prude before, but she got into it. I don't know if it was the fact that was she aroused combined with her lifetime knowledge of the female anatomy but she wasn't half bad. After I felt an orgasm wash over me she looked over at me with a huge smile on her face. "Success?" she asked knowing answer.
All I did was nod, sit up, kiss her and whisper "Your turn". Now it was my turn to be awestuck. As I helped her out of her dress I got my first look at Malinda's (really Sharon's) naked body. Obviously I had checked her out and stolen glances when she wasn't looking, but this was different. It was clear that Malinda had been taking care of it. Unlike Annabelle who had a perfectly chiseled athlete's body, Sharon's is more feminine and soft, with just the right amount of curve.
I used every trick I had learned over the past year or so, almost as if I were trying to make sure she came away with a positive view of lesbian sex. Her nails digging into the sheets and screams at the end were all the assurance I needed.
I curled up next to her, still feeling the effects of alcohol but a lot less so. I put my arms around her "So?"
"So..." she giggled "Pretty cool"
We kissed a little more before falling asleep in each others arms. When we woke up I was nervous, hoping it wasn't just the alcohol. She opened her eyes and smiled at me.
"About last night" I said nervously
"No replay" she said mockingly "You've got to get to work"
"I meant...how do you feel about it"
She responded by kissing me softly "Same as last night"
"So this makes us...."
"It makes you late, and me gay. But we've got two weeks left like this so lets avoid over labeling" She then got out of bed and put her robe on to make breakfast while I got ready for work.
That was about 10 days ago, and most of the subsequent nights have been similar. I had to beg her to tell the blog about it, because while it is personal and private, its also a major development in this life.
So while we prepare for our return trip to the inn, we're living basically as wife and wife, but well aware of the temporary nature of it and she is excited to get back to her old life. Everything seems to be in place in that regard.
It feels like a mini happy ending for me, at least to this chapter. The different lives ive been in seem like movies or television seasons, and every year theres a new season or sequel. This one by far has been my favorite.
-Greg
When I last posted a little over 2 weeks ago, I was in the dumps. The sting of Amber having moved on permanently focused my attention on all that the inn had taken from me. Lately though, I've begun to appreciate all the unique experiences and situations the inn has given to me.
Over the past 12 months I've gained first hand insight on being gay, being a manager, living in Vermont, as well as much more insight into being a woman. I also learned how to be whatever role it was that I filled for Malinda. At first I was trying to be her guide or mentor then it evolved into babysitter until finally it became friend, which really is what all of us need most after the trauma of becoming someone else.
I'm glad now I didn't give up on her entirely because she was there when I needed a friend, and I think she could really sympathize with what I was going through and I didn't have to pretend to be anyone else around her.
So home life turned into girls night in on the weekdays and girls night out on the weekends, where we would go out drinking. And not "lets go to the bar for a few" drinking but "hardcore sorority girl scream really loud" drinking. I'll admit that I used to think that girls like that were vapid and annoying, but it is really fun to blow off steam and just dance like crazy. Malinda was really encouraging at getting me out of my shell at first and even politely declined when guys would ask her do dance. (I didn't get many invitations, even in a fancy dress and makeup the haircut and body type are a dead giveaway).
Anyway, Saturday night we got back to our place about 2 am still a little tipsy and I'm unsure how this next part progressed. Maybe it was her subtly teasing me about her getting more attention and me responding that I'd do better at a gay bar. Maybe it was flipping channels and her idly commenting on how cute some girl on tv was. Maybe it was us debating ordering a late night pizza and commenting on how it would go to her my thighs and her butt, and then each of us commenting on how nice each of those looked. Anyway it happened, we were face to face, talking, and then we interrupted each other with a kiss.
I froze. I remembered the fallout of our last kiss and didn't want it to happen again. "I'm sorry" I stammered "I dont know what came over me. I didn't mean to--"
She responded by kissing me again. Harder, with her hand around my head and her tongue in my mouth. "Don't talk me out of this" she said with a laugh. Overcome by my dry spell and the moment I rolled with it for a few more minutes before she began stroking my leg, which caused me to stroke hers in turn. Finally she took a deep breath, looked me in the eyes and said "Upstairs"
I wasn't going to second guess her so I stood up and took her by the hand upstairs. I wanted to carry her, but even in my fit form I'm not that strong as a girl. I pushed her down on the bed and took my shoes off. I began struggling out of my dress in a pretty unsexy way before lifting Malinda up, kissing her, and saying "unzip me". She obliged and I slithered out of my club dress.
She stared at me for a moment, kneeling there in only my thong, and idly stroked my abs "You ARE fit" she said, a bit awestruck. She continued exploring like a kid in a candy store, which makes sense because I was the first naked woman she'd seen under these circumstances. Finally she started slowly kissing my neck and I stroked her back while taking in the sensations. Eventually she started playing with my breast before moving her mouth down to my nipples. Clearly she felt like taking the lead in this.
Taking the passive role I unzipped her and laid down on the bed. She kissed and explored a little while longer before taking my panties off and getting to work. I fully expected her to be clumsy at it what with her being a bit of a prude before, but she got into it. I don't know if it was the fact that was she aroused combined with her lifetime knowledge of the female anatomy but she wasn't half bad. After I felt an orgasm wash over me she looked over at me with a huge smile on her face. "Success?" she asked knowing answer.
All I did was nod, sit up, kiss her and whisper "Your turn". Now it was my turn to be awestuck. As I helped her out of her dress I got my first look at Malinda's (really Sharon's) naked body. Obviously I had checked her out and stolen glances when she wasn't looking, but this was different. It was clear that Malinda had been taking care of it. Unlike Annabelle who had a perfectly chiseled athlete's body, Sharon's is more feminine and soft, with just the right amount of curve.
I used every trick I had learned over the past year or so, almost as if I were trying to make sure she came away with a positive view of lesbian sex. Her nails digging into the sheets and screams at the end were all the assurance I needed.
I curled up next to her, still feeling the effects of alcohol but a lot less so. I put my arms around her "So?"
"So..." she giggled "Pretty cool"
We kissed a little more before falling asleep in each others arms. When we woke up I was nervous, hoping it wasn't just the alcohol. She opened her eyes and smiled at me.
"About last night" I said nervously
"No replay" she said mockingly "You've got to get to work"
"I meant...how do you feel about it"
She responded by kissing me softly "Same as last night"
"So this makes us...."
"It makes you late, and me gay. But we've got two weeks left like this so lets avoid over labeling" She then got out of bed and put her robe on to make breakfast while I got ready for work.
That was about 10 days ago, and most of the subsequent nights have been similar. I had to beg her to tell the blog about it, because while it is personal and private, its also a major development in this life.
So while we prepare for our return trip to the inn, we're living basically as wife and wife, but well aware of the temporary nature of it and she is excited to get back to her old life. Everything seems to be in place in that regard.
It feels like a mini happy ending for me, at least to this chapter. The different lives ive been in seem like movies or television seasons, and every year theres a new season or sequel. This one by far has been my favorite.
-Greg
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Burt (Lisa): It's like walking into the middle of a movie and needing an explanation
I've been sitting here for a while trying to figure out what to say for myself. I understand there's a lot of followers out there who probably know even more about this situation than me, even though I'm living it. But it's nice to know I have someone I can talk to.
First of all, Lisa, Shaun and Zane are all really nice people, and as soon as I figured out who they all were, and who I was supposed to be, we got along pretty great. Lisa seemed exasperated at first at the idea of not getting her own body back, but she knows I didn't do this on purpose. Obviously.
In preparation for my new part (so to speak) she gave me a heartening talk about how it's not that hard to fake your way through someone else's life... the "Inn's magic" does most of the work. The real task is not to disrupt the delicate balance of another person's personal life. Fair enough, I suppose. From what I've learned the previous "Shaun and Lisa" were a married couple in their real lives and decided to carry that over to their time in these bodies. The real Shaun and Lisa are understandably not pleased about the situation that leaves them, I mean us.
That's caused a certain amount of tension for me. Our living conditions are now that of a one-bedroom apartment and let's be honest, it would probably be better to have some space and time to figure this all out for myself. Shaun's been a good sport, but I sense him gritting his teeth when trying to negotiate the morning routine.
Lisa's body... hm. I'm taking it one day at a time. I have sisters so I'm aware of the level of maintenance a female body requires. It's a good body, roughly my own age, holding up well without much "extra." Lisa is a pretty practical woman, so it's not like her wardrobe is full of oversexualized or even embarrassingly feminine attire. For comfort's sake, I've been favoring dresses and low cut tops in this summer heat. They definitely have an advantage there, and this is coming from a California guy!
I definitely feel odd getting home at night and unclasping my bra, letting "the girls" out as I prepare for bed... it feels almost naughty that I have this body to myself even though (as Lisa often points out) it's hardly in "pinup" condition. But quite frankly, it's nothing to be ashamed of, as far as women go. Good shape.
I haven't discussed my feelings about it much with Lisa, but hopefully she understands there are certain... views I'm entitled to as current tenant of her body.
Does that sound weird? I sound weird don't I. Don't mind me. I'm not here to make trouble. Really. You'll get that about me.
First of all, Lisa, Shaun and Zane are all really nice people, and as soon as I figured out who they all were, and who I was supposed to be, we got along pretty great. Lisa seemed exasperated at first at the idea of not getting her own body back, but she knows I didn't do this on purpose. Obviously.
In preparation for my new part (so to speak) she gave me a heartening talk about how it's not that hard to fake your way through someone else's life... the "Inn's magic" does most of the work. The real task is not to disrupt the delicate balance of another person's personal life. Fair enough, I suppose. From what I've learned the previous "Shaun and Lisa" were a married couple in their real lives and decided to carry that over to their time in these bodies. The real Shaun and Lisa are understandably not pleased about the situation that leaves them, I mean us.
That's caused a certain amount of tension for me. Our living conditions are now that of a one-bedroom apartment and let's be honest, it would probably be better to have some space and time to figure this all out for myself. Shaun's been a good sport, but I sense him gritting his teeth when trying to negotiate the morning routine.
Lisa's body... hm. I'm taking it one day at a time. I have sisters so I'm aware of the level of maintenance a female body requires. It's a good body, roughly my own age, holding up well without much "extra." Lisa is a pretty practical woman, so it's not like her wardrobe is full of oversexualized or even embarrassingly feminine attire. For comfort's sake, I've been favoring dresses and low cut tops in this summer heat. They definitely have an advantage there, and this is coming from a California guy!
I definitely feel odd getting home at night and unclasping my bra, letting "the girls" out as I prepare for bed... it feels almost naughty that I have this body to myself even though (as Lisa often points out) it's hardly in "pinup" condition. But quite frankly, it's nothing to be ashamed of, as far as women go. Good shape.
I haven't discussed my feelings about it much with Lisa, but hopefully she understands there are certain... views I'm entitled to as current tenant of her body.
Does that sound weird? I sound weird don't I. Don't mind me. I'm not here to make trouble. Really. You'll get that about me.
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
Greg/Alexis: Ghosts
So it's been awhile since you last heard from me, and its not because I don't like you guys anymore, its just that we have an unwritten rule at this blog is that you hold off on posting if someone else has something more important to say. And for like the past 2 or 3 weeks or so about 5 people on this blog have had something happen to them thats life-changing, and since I knew about them ahead of time (I'm special) I let those guys have the forum to work out their issues. Plus the Zane/Lisa/Burt debacle is a cautionary tale for anyone who ever tries to use the inn to their own advantage.
When I last posted here I was ready to dive head long into the online dating pool. A month later I'm sad to report that I splashed around and floundered like a little kid in that regard.
Turns out, the limited amount of single gay women in Vermont arent exactly looking for someone with a very short term expectation who is oddly mysterious about her personal life. Most of the time it wound up being a few emails exchanged before either of us decided we weren't on the same page.
One woman I did wind up meeting. Her name was Elise and she was a couple years older than me, about 35. She actually lived about 20 minutes outside of Burlington but was new to the whole scene, mainly because she wasn't officially out of the closet yet. She was looking to experience new things and maybe experiment a little if we hit it off, no strings attached. That was all I needed to hear.
We met at a small coffee shop in her town. She wasn't bad to look at, a few extra pounds and glasses but cute curly brown hair and a nice smile. She gave me an awkward hug when we first saw each other but I laughed it off and we sat down to talk.
The thing is, once we started talking, the conversation would always shift back to me being gay or being gay in general. This made me slightly uncomfortable, not only because I was hardly an expert in the subject but it made me seem like I was there only to satisfy her curiosity. As the night wore on it became clear that this chick either had a fantasy she wanted to play out or needed to try something to convince herself of something, either way I didn't feel like playing guinea pig, so I politely declined even when she offered to take me back to her place.
I kind of regretted not taking her up on the offer as my drought continued, until last weekend when I got some news that really shook me up.
Sometime last year I stopped using my old facebook profile from my original body, as well as any other online representation of Greg Schmitt. It was part closure and acceptance that I was never goingto be the original me ever again, so I stopped acting like it online. Maintaining contact with people from my past was useless if I was never going to be able to see or talk to them again, so the only person from my old life who knows how to get in touch with me is Priya, and that's because she was inn cursed too.
Anyway, we rarely talked other than a few odd emails here and there, but the other day she sent me an email with a link to the local newspaper's website. Specifically to the marriage announcements section. There, standing next to a man slightly taller than her, was Amber. My former fiancee. I broke down and started crying. I mean, sure it makes sense for her to move on with her life, after all as far as shes concerned, Greg left her and ran away with his secretary. Its just that I never really got to say goodbye. I spent time living the life of her best friend before leaving her behind along with everyone I ever grew up with. I've put her out of my mind and over her mostly, but without any updates or contact with her she remains in my mind just as she was when I left her almost two years ago.
That sent me once again into a state of mourning not just for my relationship, but for my old self. I didn't like what I had become, a vagrant soul making the best of whatever an ancient curse had to offer him, or her as I've been for so long. A shade of my former self, living life in the bodies of other people after he was figuratively dead to so many of his loved ones.
I don't know if theres light at the end of this tunnel, all I know is that there is another tunnel. This particular one hasn't been half bad. I'm young, I live in a cool place, and I seemed to have worked things out with Malinda, who has been really sympathetic and patient with me since I found out about Amber's wedding.
In one month's time Malinda and I will be back in Maine, hopefully she'll get her happy ending and go back to Texas. Me? I'm just hoping its not too painful
-Greg
When I last posted here I was ready to dive head long into the online dating pool. A month later I'm sad to report that I splashed around and floundered like a little kid in that regard.
Turns out, the limited amount of single gay women in Vermont arent exactly looking for someone with a very short term expectation who is oddly mysterious about her personal life. Most of the time it wound up being a few emails exchanged before either of us decided we weren't on the same page.
One woman I did wind up meeting. Her name was Elise and she was a couple years older than me, about 35. She actually lived about 20 minutes outside of Burlington but was new to the whole scene, mainly because she wasn't officially out of the closet yet. She was looking to experience new things and maybe experiment a little if we hit it off, no strings attached. That was all I needed to hear.
We met at a small coffee shop in her town. She wasn't bad to look at, a few extra pounds and glasses but cute curly brown hair and a nice smile. She gave me an awkward hug when we first saw each other but I laughed it off and we sat down to talk.
The thing is, once we started talking, the conversation would always shift back to me being gay or being gay in general. This made me slightly uncomfortable, not only because I was hardly an expert in the subject but it made me seem like I was there only to satisfy her curiosity. As the night wore on it became clear that this chick either had a fantasy she wanted to play out or needed to try something to convince herself of something, either way I didn't feel like playing guinea pig, so I politely declined even when she offered to take me back to her place.
I kind of regretted not taking her up on the offer as my drought continued, until last weekend when I got some news that really shook me up.
Sometime last year I stopped using my old facebook profile from my original body, as well as any other online representation of Greg Schmitt. It was part closure and acceptance that I was never goingto be the original me ever again, so I stopped acting like it online. Maintaining contact with people from my past was useless if I was never going to be able to see or talk to them again, so the only person from my old life who knows how to get in touch with me is Priya, and that's because she was inn cursed too.
Anyway, we rarely talked other than a few odd emails here and there, but the other day she sent me an email with a link to the local newspaper's website. Specifically to the marriage announcements section. There, standing next to a man slightly taller than her, was Amber. My former fiancee. I broke down and started crying. I mean, sure it makes sense for her to move on with her life, after all as far as shes concerned, Greg left her and ran away with his secretary. Its just that I never really got to say goodbye. I spent time living the life of her best friend before leaving her behind along with everyone I ever grew up with. I've put her out of my mind and over her mostly, but without any updates or contact with her she remains in my mind just as she was when I left her almost two years ago.
That sent me once again into a state of mourning not just for my relationship, but for my old self. I didn't like what I had become, a vagrant soul making the best of whatever an ancient curse had to offer him, or her as I've been for so long. A shade of my former self, living life in the bodies of other people after he was figuratively dead to so many of his loved ones.
I don't know if theres light at the end of this tunnel, all I know is that there is another tunnel. This particular one hasn't been half bad. I'm young, I live in a cool place, and I seemed to have worked things out with Malinda, who has been really sympathetic and patient with me since I found out about Amber's wedding.
In one month's time Malinda and I will be back in Maine, hopefully she'll get her happy ending and go back to Texas. Me? I'm just hoping its not too painful
-Greg
Sunday, July 08, 2012
Tori: Like a Ton of Bricks
There have been a few times in my life when the truth hit me like a ton of bricks. The first was when I woke up in the body of a woman. The second was when I found out I wasn't going back. The third was when I realized I had to break up with Buddy and pursue Alex. And every time, this blog was here for me. I never thought I'd have a moment like that again in my life, but Friday night, I had the worst.
I have never been so mad at someone I care so much about, and until he arrived at my door I considered cutting him out of my life completely. I'm a pretty strong person by now, I should be able to walk away from someone if they treat me like that. But it was the first time he had ever shown that side of himself. The first time I saw any dissatisfaction and anger about our relationship. Even when he told me he didn't want to move in, he was nice about it. I wanted closure on this issue... I wanted to know what was behind that outburst. If it ended with us breaking up, I could accept that, but I needed to give him a chance.
When he arrived, I had him sit down, and I put him at ease by saying I had gotten Raine out of the apartment for the night. He didn't know where to begin. Neither did I. We each opened a beer.
"We can't pretend nothing happened last night," I said.
"I'm not like that, Tori," he said. "You know me."
"Yeah, I thought I did."
"I get frustrated sometimes. Not with you, but with... other stuff in my life. Stuff I can't tell you about, but it’s starting to get in the way."
"That's not gonna cut it," I told him. "You love me. I love you. You shouldn't feel like there's anything you can't tell me. Just respect me enough to talk to me instead of bottling it up."
"If I tell you this, it's going to change your opinion of me. It's going to change everything."
“If you don’t trust me, I don’t know if we can be together,” I told him.
He stalled a while before I finally dragged it out of him. He said it wasn't a problem until he realized we were going to be together a long time, that he cared about me and that I wanted to move in. He admitted he knew all the advantages, and that there was no lack of love or desire to move in but for certain reasons it wasn't "practical."
Then he asked if I trusted him to always be honest, and if I would promise to believe the thing he was about to say, and forgive him if necessary. I got a serious bad feeling in the pit of my stomach, but the answer was, of course, "Yes." There has to be honesty, right?
"I'm not who you think I am," he said. "And I want you to know that even though this makes no sense at all, it's the truth, and I would never do anything to hurt you."
And then he took a deep breath and told me a very familiar story.
A few years ago, before he met me, he took a trip to New England, winding up in Maine.
And wouldn't you know it. One morning, he and everyone else staying at this little Inn woke up to find they had been transformed into different people.
His name isn't really Alex, it's George Mueller. He's only been "Alex" for two years.
I just sat there, trying to keep a blank expression on my face as he told me this story that I lived through, treating me like I would never imagine such a thing... I mean, I never imagined trying to explain my situation to anyone because, well, I guess I was afraid I might sound like Alex did here. He was so worried I thought he was nuts. I just nodded along trying to figure out how to react.
"I never lied to you on purpose," he repeated, "It's just that I never thought I could tell anyone and make them believe me... but I feel so close to you, I thought maybe, just maybe you'd give me the benefit of the doubt."
It took me a while to realize he was telling me this without knowing the truth about me. That this was pure trust on his part, hoping I would be understanding about this strange situation.
I spent a long time just thinking it over in my head. It was a lot to come to terms with. I took a long time figuring out how I was "supposed" to react, as if it was all new to me.
For a second, just a second, I wanted to throw my arms around him and admit my own truth, to show him he wasn't alone. But I stopped myself. I had this intense feeling of self-consciousness. It was selfish of me to want to keep this illusion up, but after my experience with Karen a few months ago, I felt so exposed just talking to someone who knew the truth about me... like I had to be both Cliff and Tori, and I gave up on being Cliff a long time ago. I really don't think I can have someone in my life, someone I care about, knowing who I used to be. I would always worry that they'd look at me and try to see Cliff, judge me because I came to love this life as second nature. I was afraid he just wouldn't be able to handle it.
He leaned in, and asked hopefully, "Do you believe me?"
"Yeah... I think I do," I said, then added, "There's always been this strange aura about you."
He wrapped his arms around me and kissed me.
“I’m sorry I lashed out,” he said. “I was thinking about how much I love you, and how much I feel you love me... and I got scared. For a second, I thought pushing you away was better than telling the truth. Anytime I think about how close we are, I get scared you'll hate me for lying and I... I freaked out. I hope you can forgive me.”
I took a deep breath. “I can.”
When he pulled away, he stood up and said, "It's a lot to expect someone to handle this. I can't prove it. It makes no sense, even to me. You might just be humoring me, but it's out there. You can think whatever you want about it, but I'm glad I said it."
“I’m glad you did, too,” I told him.
And then he left.
And then I went and lay down in bed and thought "God... what am I gonna do now?"
I have never been so mad at someone I care so much about, and until he arrived at my door I considered cutting him out of my life completely. I'm a pretty strong person by now, I should be able to walk away from someone if they treat me like that. But it was the first time he had ever shown that side of himself. The first time I saw any dissatisfaction and anger about our relationship. Even when he told me he didn't want to move in, he was nice about it. I wanted closure on this issue... I wanted to know what was behind that outburst. If it ended with us breaking up, I could accept that, but I needed to give him a chance.
When he arrived, I had him sit down, and I put him at ease by saying I had gotten Raine out of the apartment for the night. He didn't know where to begin. Neither did I. We each opened a beer.
"We can't pretend nothing happened last night," I said.
"I'm not like that, Tori," he said. "You know me."
"Yeah, I thought I did."
"I get frustrated sometimes. Not with you, but with... other stuff in my life. Stuff I can't tell you about, but it’s starting to get in the way."
"That's not gonna cut it," I told him. "You love me. I love you. You shouldn't feel like there's anything you can't tell me. Just respect me enough to talk to me instead of bottling it up."
"If I tell you this, it's going to change your opinion of me. It's going to change everything."
“If you don’t trust me, I don’t know if we can be together,” I told him.
He stalled a while before I finally dragged it out of him. He said it wasn't a problem until he realized we were going to be together a long time, that he cared about me and that I wanted to move in. He admitted he knew all the advantages, and that there was no lack of love or desire to move in but for certain reasons it wasn't "practical."
Then he asked if I trusted him to always be honest, and if I would promise to believe the thing he was about to say, and forgive him if necessary. I got a serious bad feeling in the pit of my stomach, but the answer was, of course, "Yes." There has to be honesty, right?
"I'm not who you think I am," he said. "And I want you to know that even though this makes no sense at all, it's the truth, and I would never do anything to hurt you."
And then he took a deep breath and told me a very familiar story.
A few years ago, before he met me, he took a trip to New England, winding up in Maine.
And wouldn't you know it. One morning, he and everyone else staying at this little Inn woke up to find they had been transformed into different people.
His name isn't really Alex, it's George Mueller. He's only been "Alex" for two years.
I just sat there, trying to keep a blank expression on my face as he told me this story that I lived through, treating me like I would never imagine such a thing... I mean, I never imagined trying to explain my situation to anyone because, well, I guess I was afraid I might sound like Alex did here. He was so worried I thought he was nuts. I just nodded along trying to figure out how to react.
"I never lied to you on purpose," he repeated, "It's just that I never thought I could tell anyone and make them believe me... but I feel so close to you, I thought maybe, just maybe you'd give me the benefit of the doubt."
It took me a while to realize he was telling me this without knowing the truth about me. That this was pure trust on his part, hoping I would be understanding about this strange situation.
I spent a long time just thinking it over in my head. It was a lot to come to terms with. I took a long time figuring out how I was "supposed" to react, as if it was all new to me.
For a second, just a second, I wanted to throw my arms around him and admit my own truth, to show him he wasn't alone. But I stopped myself. I had this intense feeling of self-consciousness. It was selfish of me to want to keep this illusion up, but after my experience with Karen a few months ago, I felt so exposed just talking to someone who knew the truth about me... like I had to be both Cliff and Tori, and I gave up on being Cliff a long time ago. I really don't think I can have someone in my life, someone I care about, knowing who I used to be. I would always worry that they'd look at me and try to see Cliff, judge me because I came to love this life as second nature. I was afraid he just wouldn't be able to handle it.
He leaned in, and asked hopefully, "Do you believe me?"
"Yeah... I think I do," I said, then added, "There's always been this strange aura about you."
He wrapped his arms around me and kissed me.
“I’m sorry I lashed out,” he said. “I was thinking about how much I love you, and how much I feel you love me... and I got scared. For a second, I thought pushing you away was better than telling the truth. Anytime I think about how close we are, I get scared you'll hate me for lying and I... I freaked out. I hope you can forgive me.”
I took a deep breath. “I can.”
When he pulled away, he stood up and said, "It's a lot to expect someone to handle this. I can't prove it. It makes no sense, even to me. You might just be humoring me, but it's out there. You can think whatever you want about it, but I'm glad I said it."
“I’m glad you did, too,” I told him.
And then he left.
And then I went and lay down in bed and thought "God... what am I gonna do now?"
Friday, July 06, 2012
Tori: It won't go away
I thought this "moving in" issue was settled. Maybe not to my liking, but like a lot of things in my life I learned to deal with it. For reasons he has never explained, he doesn't feel comfortable enough for either of us to uproot, even though we've been sleeping together for almost a year, had all the prerequisite coupley moments, and said the L-word as often as each other's names. I mean, whatever.
But I've accepted it. He doesn't want to go domestic. Sure, he loved when we could carpool, or when I was out of work and making him breakfast every other morning, but things have changed. Suddenly it's not so convenient when I'm at his place and we both have to get to work, and he doesn't want to give me a lift because of the traffic going that direction will require us to leave an hour early.
Me staying over simply doesn't work. I was lying in bed at 11 last night. He was drifting off to sleep next to me, and I was mentally trying to figure out how to get to work for the next morning. I only had one choice. With a deep breath, I slowly lifted his arm off me and sat up.
He muttered sleepily, "Oh, just gonna fuck me and leave then?"
I'm not in a joking mood but I pretend, telling him "Sorry beautiful, you know the drill."
"Can we just lie here a little while longer?" I can see his real intentions by the tent he's pitching under the sheets, and as much as I'd love another ride, I really need to get home.
"If you want, we can resume this party at my place," I offer as a consolation prize.
He won't take it. I don't know why, but he just won't do it with Raine next door. We've been known to make love at volumes that go through walls (I'm sorry, I can't help it) and she's teased us about it. I mean, I can take it, it's girl-talk, but I don't think he likes her knowing how long he can (or can't) last. I tell him he has nothing to worry about, but you know men.
I think in general he doesn't like her, though. A while ago I found out she was having a little fling with Danny, our supposedly-gay friend. It ended in June, and she was pretty beat up about it. I was supportive, even though I didn't get how it happened. Alex was not supportive of my support.
Just to let you know, that whole thing apparently started when Raine was invited to "partake" in a three-way with Danny and a bisexual guy, and I guess they thought they had chemistry, just the two of them. Alex, in an attempt to wash his hands of the whole scenario, now dislikes coming over to my place. It's really driven a wedge in our social circle.
On the drive back to my place, I let it slip: "I just hate that you don't like any of my friends."
He defended himself: He liked my friends fine until they all started screwing around and making it impossible to be around them. I rolled my eyes. Everyone has friends like that. So Raine and Danny had a falling out. Sara and Thom are off in their own little engaged world. TRhat didn't mean they weren't good people, who are important to me.
"You don't like any of my friends either," he said.
"You don't have any friends," I replied. BAD. MOVE.
(I mean, is it obvious I haven't had a ton of relationship experience? But I really thought I was getting the hang of it.)
He loses it. "I have friends! I'm friends with everyone I work with. You never come by the old office to say hi."
"Because I work too now! And it's embarrassing enough to be the only person who got fired, out of like 200 people" I was ballparking this figure because I was tired and upset, "And I don't remember you ever talking too much about anyone from work."
"Because so many of them are women and you get so jealous anytime I even look at another girl!"
"I do not!"
"You're always talking about how much better looking you are, how glad you are that you don't look like them or dress like them or whatever that means... remember when that Karen chick came up from Louisville? You really seemed to fucking hate her, even though you claimed she was a friend. I think the reason you wanted to rush into moving in was because you were afraid I'd cheat on you if I ever got out of your sight. Even though I'm the one that should be worried about you."
All the breath left my body. All the blood rushed to my face. I just stared at him as he stared out at the night road. I had to speak slowly. "What. The Fuck. Is That. Supposed. To Mean."
He said exactly what I knew it meant: "It means I stole you from Buddy, and there's always a chance I'll just lose you to the next guy."
I welled up with tears. I couldn't face him. I couldn't talk anymore. When we got back to my place, I just quietly left the car and stomped into the building, getting in the elevator, letting my tears hit the ground.
I couldn't believe someone I loved so much would say such mean, hurtful things. Even when we fight, we never fight, but for whatever reason we just lost it on each other, and he really didn't fucking hold back.
I spent all night crying in my pillow wondering: What the hell did he want from me? He wants me around, but he doesn't want me to live with him, doesn't like my friends, doesn't like the inconvenience of me having to do stuff without him (like work.) Is it so wrong, after all I've been through, to want a little consistency in my life?
I have to remind myself, Alex doesn't know "what I've been through." But his interpretation of my personality, my "jealousy" and worst of all the idea that someone might "steal me" from him really hit hard.
From the way he made me feel about myself... I mean, that was not okay at all. And for the first time since we started, I thought about breaking up with him, but I couldn't bring myself to give much power to that thought. One bad night isn't going to erase the good ones. It's not like this is typical.
I thought about it all day today. Hell, I probably talked my co-worker's ear off about it. For his part, he was a pretty patient listener. Then while I was writing this blog entry, I got this text:
"I'm so sorry for last night. I think I'm ready to talk about this. I hope you are too."
It's 7:00 now. I told him to come over at 8. It's time for us to have a serious talk about our relationship.
But I've accepted it. He doesn't want to go domestic. Sure, he loved when we could carpool, or when I was out of work and making him breakfast every other morning, but things have changed. Suddenly it's not so convenient when I'm at his place and we both have to get to work, and he doesn't want to give me a lift because of the traffic going that direction will require us to leave an hour early.
Me staying over simply doesn't work. I was lying in bed at 11 last night. He was drifting off to sleep next to me, and I was mentally trying to figure out how to get to work for the next morning. I only had one choice. With a deep breath, I slowly lifted his arm off me and sat up.
He muttered sleepily, "Oh, just gonna fuck me and leave then?"
I'm not in a joking mood but I pretend, telling him "Sorry beautiful, you know the drill."
"Can we just lie here a little while longer?" I can see his real intentions by the tent he's pitching under the sheets, and as much as I'd love another ride, I really need to get home.
"If you want, we can resume this party at my place," I offer as a consolation prize.
He won't take it. I don't know why, but he just won't do it with Raine next door. We've been known to make love at volumes that go through walls (I'm sorry, I can't help it) and she's teased us about it. I mean, I can take it, it's girl-talk, but I don't think he likes her knowing how long he can (or can't) last. I tell him he has nothing to worry about, but you know men.
I think in general he doesn't like her, though. A while ago I found out she was having a little fling with Danny, our supposedly-gay friend. It ended in June, and she was pretty beat up about it. I was supportive, even though I didn't get how it happened. Alex was not supportive of my support.
Just to let you know, that whole thing apparently started when Raine was invited to "partake" in a three-way with Danny and a bisexual guy, and I guess they thought they had chemistry, just the two of them. Alex, in an attempt to wash his hands of the whole scenario, now dislikes coming over to my place. It's really driven a wedge in our social circle.
On the drive back to my place, I let it slip: "I just hate that you don't like any of my friends."
He defended himself: He liked my friends fine until they all started screwing around and making it impossible to be around them. I rolled my eyes. Everyone has friends like that. So Raine and Danny had a falling out. Sara and Thom are off in their own little engaged world. TRhat didn't mean they weren't good people, who are important to me.
"You don't like any of my friends either," he said.
"You don't have any friends," I replied. BAD. MOVE.
(I mean, is it obvious I haven't had a ton of relationship experience? But I really thought I was getting the hang of it.)
He loses it. "I have friends! I'm friends with everyone I work with. You never come by the old office to say hi."
"Because I work too now! And it's embarrassing enough to be the only person who got fired, out of like 200 people" I was ballparking this figure because I was tired and upset, "And I don't remember you ever talking too much about anyone from work."
"Because so many of them are women and you get so jealous anytime I even look at another girl!"
"I do not!"
"You're always talking about how much better looking you are, how glad you are that you don't look like them or dress like them or whatever that means... remember when that Karen chick came up from Louisville? You really seemed to fucking hate her, even though you claimed she was a friend. I think the reason you wanted to rush into moving in was because you were afraid I'd cheat on you if I ever got out of your sight. Even though I'm the one that should be worried about you."
All the breath left my body. All the blood rushed to my face. I just stared at him as he stared out at the night road. I had to speak slowly. "What. The Fuck. Is That. Supposed. To Mean."
He said exactly what I knew it meant: "It means I stole you from Buddy, and there's always a chance I'll just lose you to the next guy."
I welled up with tears. I couldn't face him. I couldn't talk anymore. When we got back to my place, I just quietly left the car and stomped into the building, getting in the elevator, letting my tears hit the ground.
I couldn't believe someone I loved so much would say such mean, hurtful things. Even when we fight, we never fight, but for whatever reason we just lost it on each other, and he really didn't fucking hold back.
I spent all night crying in my pillow wondering: What the hell did he want from me? He wants me around, but he doesn't want me to live with him, doesn't like my friends, doesn't like the inconvenience of me having to do stuff without him (like work.) Is it so wrong, after all I've been through, to want a little consistency in my life?
I have to remind myself, Alex doesn't know "what I've been through." But his interpretation of my personality, my "jealousy" and worst of all the idea that someone might "steal me" from him really hit hard.
From the way he made me feel about myself... I mean, that was not okay at all. And for the first time since we started, I thought about breaking up with him, but I couldn't bring myself to give much power to that thought. One bad night isn't going to erase the good ones. It's not like this is typical.
I thought about it all day today. Hell, I probably talked my co-worker's ear off about it. For his part, he was a pretty patient listener. Then while I was writing this blog entry, I got this text:
"I'm so sorry for last night. I think I'm ready to talk about this. I hope you are too."
It's 7:00 now. I told him to come over at 8. It's time for us to have a serious talk about our relationship.
Friday, June 29, 2012
Lisa/Zane: Picking up from there...
"Lisa/Zane." Oh, my God, even after all the stuff we've been through with this Inn, I never expected I would be typing a phrase like that.
I couldn't spend too much time taking inventory, when Shaun called me over to show me what had become of Anthony's "substitute." I don't know why both of us sort of assumed Zane was in my body, since Anth's was between us, and if I took Zane's, then the person next to Shaun would have to be "me."
But going back even further, to the conversation Zane and I had that, I guess, lasted long enough into the night that our transformations kickstarted without us knowing it... I was so pissed off at Anthony. Even moreso now, but even then. Look, none of us have great lives. I'm struggling, Zane's chronically unemployed, and Doug left his life as something of a mess. A year away wasn't likely to make things better for any of us, but Anthony opting out, and leaving us with a new person to explain this whole shitty situation... that was a dick move. And I had to rant to somebody, and Zane and I had been getting on so well all week that s/he was my go-to. If I had been in Shaun's room, maybe I'd be in my own body.
Maybe I'd be in his body, and he'd be in mine. Still a crappy situation, but one we could explain easier.
So we're all faced with this complication, with Burt in my body. Zane, by process of elimination, is now Anthony. When I came to his door, and I said who I was, he got this perverse grin, this shit-eating grin Anthony sometimes gets that makes me want to punch him. It's all very "no time to explain."
So we gathered in Burt's room, where I have the very surreal visual, like watching myself on video doing something I don't remember... it's "me" sitting on the bed, draped in a much larger man's clothes, hair looking stringy, face puffy from lack of sleep. Ugh, I could hardly look.
But Shaun took the leadership role, being the one who wasn't in the wrong body.
He stammered a while. "You're um... you used to be... uh... you're not..."
"Who are you people?" Burt finally asks.
"My name is Shaun," he says, "And this is Zane, and, and, uh, Lisa." I had to hide my eyes.
"What happened to me?"
"It happened to all of us," Shaun answered, "Um, what we know, uh, we don't know everything about this, but, see, the Inn has some kind of curse on it... it's been going on for years. It takes your body... and it gives it to someone else."
I'll spare you the rest of the details. I don't know if I could have explained it any better, but there was so much backtracking and elaborating and contradicting in his explanation it probably made things a lot worse.
Like I said, the thing I hated the most is that we had to explain it.
But basically, we rambled through the whole story of how we found out about the inn last year, spent a year living in these other bodies, and made it back year later.
"But... I'm a woman."
"Yeah... um, see, it's not exact." He gestured to me, "Lisa was supposed to get her body back, but somehow it didn't go... as planned."
Burt was doing weird things, like running his fingers through my hair, trying to piece it all together in his head.
"I have to be a woman for a year... and you people... all went through this already?"
"Look, take your time with it," Shaun said, "This happens a lot, apparently, so... like, just try not to freak out too hard. It's gonna be okay."
I couldn't have done better. It was terrible, but I couldn't have done better.
We had a similar, slightly more well thought out version of the same discussion several times later that day. No one looks to be facing any tragedy in this case. I think a lot of the visitors in the previous block were at a bachelor party - mostly men - whereas half the inn this week was a singles mixer, so... there were a few other women who became guys.
I guess there's a lot to cover here, but I get really weird when I try to write too much of it, which is sorta why I never wrote here too much. I'm trying to get over it, though, because obviously this whole transformation game isn't over for me!
-Lisa...Zane... LiZane.
I couldn't spend too much time taking inventory, when Shaun called me over to show me what had become of Anthony's "substitute." I don't know why both of us sort of assumed Zane was in my body, since Anth's was between us, and if I took Zane's, then the person next to Shaun would have to be "me."
But going back even further, to the conversation Zane and I had that, I guess, lasted long enough into the night that our transformations kickstarted without us knowing it... I was so pissed off at Anthony. Even moreso now, but even then. Look, none of us have great lives. I'm struggling, Zane's chronically unemployed, and Doug left his life as something of a mess. A year away wasn't likely to make things better for any of us, but Anthony opting out, and leaving us with a new person to explain this whole shitty situation... that was a dick move. And I had to rant to somebody, and Zane and I had been getting on so well all week that s/he was my go-to. If I had been in Shaun's room, maybe I'd be in my own body.
Maybe I'd be in his body, and he'd be in mine. Still a crappy situation, but one we could explain easier.
So we're all faced with this complication, with Burt in my body. Zane, by process of elimination, is now Anthony. When I came to his door, and I said who I was, he got this perverse grin, this shit-eating grin Anthony sometimes gets that makes me want to punch him. It's all very "no time to explain."
So we gathered in Burt's room, where I have the very surreal visual, like watching myself on video doing something I don't remember... it's "me" sitting on the bed, draped in a much larger man's clothes, hair looking stringy, face puffy from lack of sleep. Ugh, I could hardly look.
But Shaun took the leadership role, being the one who wasn't in the wrong body.
He stammered a while. "You're um... you used to be... uh... you're not..."
"Who are you people?" Burt finally asks.
"My name is Shaun," he says, "And this is Zane, and, and, uh, Lisa." I had to hide my eyes.
"What happened to me?"
"It happened to all of us," Shaun answered, "Um, what we know, uh, we don't know everything about this, but, see, the Inn has some kind of curse on it... it's been going on for years. It takes your body... and it gives it to someone else."
I'll spare you the rest of the details. I don't know if I could have explained it any better, but there was so much backtracking and elaborating and contradicting in his explanation it probably made things a lot worse.
Like I said, the thing I hated the most is that we had to explain it.
But basically, we rambled through the whole story of how we found out about the inn last year, spent a year living in these other bodies, and made it back year later.
"But... I'm a woman."
"Yeah... um, see, it's not exact." He gestured to me, "Lisa was supposed to get her body back, but somehow it didn't go... as planned."
Burt was doing weird things, like running his fingers through my hair, trying to piece it all together in his head.
"I have to be a woman for a year... and you people... all went through this already?"
"Look, take your time with it," Shaun said, "This happens a lot, apparently, so... like, just try not to freak out too hard. It's gonna be okay."
I couldn't have done better. It was terrible, but I couldn't have done better.
We had a similar, slightly more well thought out version of the same discussion several times later that day. No one looks to be facing any tragedy in this case. I think a lot of the visitors in the previous block were at a bachelor party - mostly men - whereas half the inn this week was a singles mixer, so... there were a few other women who became guys.
I guess there's a lot to cover here, but I get really weird when I try to write too much of it, which is sorta why I never wrote here too much. I'm trying to get over it, though, because obviously this whole transformation game isn't over for me!
-Lisa...Zane... LiZane.
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Shaun: Aftershocks
I don't think any of us, for a year, considered the possibility of not going back to the Inn.
Ethically, none of us wanted to. I had stolen another man's wife. Lisa had stolen a girl's youth. Zane had inherited some very real problems. And Anthony, we all knew, had some level of guilt for bringing us to the Inn. Whenever I spoke to him all year, he's mentioned feeling like it was his responsibility to get us back safe and sound.
Failure was not an option. And as shocking as it was to see Anthony's post, eventually we accepted that he did what he did for us. I wish he would have discussed it with us beforehand, but we can see his reasons for keeping it a secret.
Zane was the most amused. "I can't believe that bitch didn't tell me!" she laughed. "She knows how pissed off Wes was when I said I'd be taking this trip without him. I would've loved to see the look on his face when he saw me grow my cock back."
"So what do we do?" Lisa asked. "Do we, like... go introduce ourselves to him? Or do we just wait for the transformation to explain everything?" She had a point... for at least a year, this person was going to look like our friend. And yet part of me didn't want to see what he looked like, didn't want to face the reality of what we were doing to his life. Didn't want to humanize him.
Besides, we couldn't have warned him his life was about to be turned upside down. In fact, none of us could have known exactly how badly it was going to be turned upside down.
We didn't have to wonder too long, actually. That was the night it happened. The others can describe you their experiences transforming "back," being "ready" for it as ready as you can be... mind was subtle, like being in a warm bath I guess. My skin started to get irritated, then all of a sudden late that night, I had a bit less hair and a bit more of a gut. That's it.
When I was sure it was happening to me, I rushed next door. I know there's some kind of location aspect of who-becomes-who, but once the process was started, I knew. it would be safe to leave my room.
We had four rooms all lined up. To my left was Lisa's room. Beside that was supposed to be Anthony, and on the other side was Zane. Knowing how "out of it" Zane could get, I figured I should go talk to Lisa right away to discuss how to explain our situation to the new Anthony. So I gathered my thoughts, checked to make sure my own changes were finished (right down to the scar on my elbow from when I was ten!) and went over to Lisa's room and knocked. The door opened a crack. Someone looked out at me.
It wasn't Lisa.
When they saw who I was, they opened the door wide, but stayed behind it. "Get in, quick," the voice said.
I turned to see Zane, standing with his back against the wall, wrapped in bedspread.
"Zane? What are you doing in--"
"It's not Zane," he cut me off. He lowered his eyes to the ground. "It's Lisa."
I stared. I felt faint. Despite all our preparations something had gone wrong. Even though I knew I was back in my own body, I was hurt - disappointed, shocked, annoyed - that this had happened.
Lisa began to pace around, frantically explaining - she had gone to Zane's room for a talk. They'd been spending a lot of time together since the trip began, Zane had opened up to her all about his experience as Clara and they bonded. They ended up talking way into the night and hadn't even realized the transformation must have started when Lisa went back to her room... only to be rudely awakened by growing a, er... Zane-part.
I can't even speak to that.
Lisa, however, handled it as only a minor frustration. As much as this was a failure in our plan, at least we knew what was happening. There was somebody next door who needed our help.
I told Lisa to go see what was up with Zane when she was ready, and meet me at "Anthony's" room. I figured it would be reassuring for Zane to see his own face if he ended up in Lisa's body, and that hopefully this next year would be less traumatic than the last.
I went over to introduce myself to "Anthony." Anth had left us with this unfortunate task of bringing this person into the "Inn" world - explaining what we know about the Inn, including how it's possible to change back. I kept going over the words in my head, trying to figure out the exact right angle to come at it.
I knocked on the door. No answer. "Listen, if you can hear me--" I shouted at the door, "I know something has happened to you in there, and I need to explain it to you. It's not... it's no big deal, please don't freak out..."
The doorknob turned.
And there she was. Lisa.
Or, somebody in Lisa's body. Looking at me with murder in her eyes.
That would be Burt Cobb, the 31-year-old man Anthony had intended to give his body.
Suddenly I completely forgot what I was going to say.
Ethically, none of us wanted to. I had stolen another man's wife. Lisa had stolen a girl's youth. Zane had inherited some very real problems. And Anthony, we all knew, had some level of guilt for bringing us to the Inn. Whenever I spoke to him all year, he's mentioned feeling like it was his responsibility to get us back safe and sound.
Failure was not an option. And as shocking as it was to see Anthony's post, eventually we accepted that he did what he did for us. I wish he would have discussed it with us beforehand, but we can see his reasons for keeping it a secret.
Zane was the most amused. "I can't believe that bitch didn't tell me!" she laughed. "She knows how pissed off Wes was when I said I'd be taking this trip without him. I would've loved to see the look on his face when he saw me grow my cock back."
"So what do we do?" Lisa asked. "Do we, like... go introduce ourselves to him? Or do we just wait for the transformation to explain everything?" She had a point... for at least a year, this person was going to look like our friend. And yet part of me didn't want to see what he looked like, didn't want to face the reality of what we were doing to his life. Didn't want to humanize him.
Besides, we couldn't have warned him his life was about to be turned upside down. In fact, none of us could have known exactly how badly it was going to be turned upside down.
We didn't have to wonder too long, actually. That was the night it happened. The others can describe you their experiences transforming "back," being "ready" for it as ready as you can be... mind was subtle, like being in a warm bath I guess. My skin started to get irritated, then all of a sudden late that night, I had a bit less hair and a bit more of a gut. That's it.
When I was sure it was happening to me, I rushed next door. I know there's some kind of location aspect of who-becomes-who, but once the process was started, I knew. it would be safe to leave my room.
We had four rooms all lined up. To my left was Lisa's room. Beside that was supposed to be Anthony, and on the other side was Zane. Knowing how "out of it" Zane could get, I figured I should go talk to Lisa right away to discuss how to explain our situation to the new Anthony. So I gathered my thoughts, checked to make sure my own changes were finished (right down to the scar on my elbow from when I was ten!) and went over to Lisa's room and knocked. The door opened a crack. Someone looked out at me.
It wasn't Lisa.
When they saw who I was, they opened the door wide, but stayed behind it. "Get in, quick," the voice said.
I turned to see Zane, standing with his back against the wall, wrapped in bedspread.
"Zane? What are you doing in--"
"It's not Zane," he cut me off. He lowered his eyes to the ground. "It's Lisa."
I stared. I felt faint. Despite all our preparations something had gone wrong. Even though I knew I was back in my own body, I was hurt - disappointed, shocked, annoyed - that this had happened.
Lisa began to pace around, frantically explaining - she had gone to Zane's room for a talk. They'd been spending a lot of time together since the trip began, Zane had opened up to her all about his experience as Clara and they bonded. They ended up talking way into the night and hadn't even realized the transformation must have started when Lisa went back to her room... only to be rudely awakened by growing a, er... Zane-part.
I can't even speak to that.
Lisa, however, handled it as only a minor frustration. As much as this was a failure in our plan, at least we knew what was happening. There was somebody next door who needed our help.
I told Lisa to go see what was up with Zane when she was ready, and meet me at "Anthony's" room. I figured it would be reassuring for Zane to see his own face if he ended up in Lisa's body, and that hopefully this next year would be less traumatic than the last.
I went over to introduce myself to "Anthony." Anth had left us with this unfortunate task of bringing this person into the "Inn" world - explaining what we know about the Inn, including how it's possible to change back. I kept going over the words in my head, trying to figure out the exact right angle to come at it.
I knocked on the door. No answer. "Listen, if you can hear me--" I shouted at the door, "I know something has happened to you in there, and I need to explain it to you. It's not... it's no big deal, please don't freak out..."
The doorknob turned.
And there she was. Lisa.
Or, somebody in Lisa's body. Looking at me with murder in her eyes.
That would be Burt Cobb, the 31-year-old man Anthony had intended to give his body.
Suddenly I completely forgot what I was going to say.
Saturday, June 23, 2012
Anthony/CeeCee: I'm Sorry For This.
My name is Anthony Levine. Or at least, it used to be.
I've spent the ten months living in the body of a woman named Charlotte Christopoulos. It has not been easy. For any man, adjusting to the life of a woman would be a chore. You can imagine why, and you'd only be halfway there. There is still so much to know about being someone else. Anyone else. I took this challenge and, as I have with a lot of other obstacles in my life, did the best I could with it. It was hard, stressful, nerve-wracking, but I couldn't let on that I was struggling. There was work to do.
I messed up. Because it was an accident there is no reason I should feel guilty, but I do. Because of me three of my closest friends were transformed into other people, so I've worked tirelessly to get them, and me, back where we belong. I was single-minded. Survive, thrive, earn money to return to Maine, ignore the voice in my head reminding me of all the people my company - a travel agency - sent to that inn in Maine over the years. How many ruined lives are implicitly on my hands. Atone.
Bad things happen, no matter how good you are at planning. People will make mistakes, or things happen that are beyond your control. In my old life, I was a VP, I had a beautiful girlfriend I was planning to marry, I had money and status. Then I was turned into this, and somebody else had to be turned into me.
That somebody else... was a child. A preteen without enough sense of the world to deal with life at the level I was living. I could do everything right as Charlotte, but there was no way that kid was ever going to be a good Anthony.
He lost everything for me. Shaun has written about how guilty he feels for ruining Doug's relationship. It isn't his fault, and it isn't the Kid's fault for ruining mine, but it happened, and my career and my savings, and everything. It's gone. There was nothing I could do from here to protect it.
If I was going to go back to Maine, if I was going to go back to being Anthony, I would be starting from scratch. Worse off than I ever was before. And these are bad economic times to be trying to rebuild your life. I couldn't take it.
Shaun's a good man. He didn't steal Doug's life, even though Doug has everything Shaun seems to want. I'm not going back to the Inn. The real Charlotte has known this for some time. As far as I know, she will continue living as Wayne Tyson in Scotsdale, Arizona. As Wayne "he" is very much in love with his wife Linda, the original Clara. I don't know who will be claiming her body from Zane. It's none of my business.
My point is that as guilty as I feel for what I did to my friends, I did everything I could to fix it, I got the three of them back to Maine and if everything goes according to plan, they will be back where they belong in no time. I have to stay in Los Angeles. I'm going to be CeeCee for the rest of my life, barring some insane change of plans. I don't mind it here. The job has room for advancement. The body is sufficient for my needs. I'm thinking of getting a cat.
I've known this was happening for a few months now. I couldn't bring myself to tell anyone sooner because I was ashamed. I'm afraid you'll all think I'm taking the easy way out. Worried that you'll think less of me because I see "life as a woman" as better than "life stripped of everything I had." Afraid you'll think I'm some kind of thief. I hope you'll understand that I only did what I had to do.
This is the worst part.
The inn only works when enough people go. I had already made a reservation and couldn't cancel. This was all very time-sensitive. Through this blog, I learned about Travelers, who go back to the Inn for fun, or entertainment, or whatever. I first tried to offer my old body to Greg, but the timing didn't work out with him returning Alexis' body to her. He put me in touch with Fletcher, but he was unable to find any of his friends to visit the Inn that week.
So I took out an ad, and I sold my reservation privately, to someone who hasn't ever been before.
I've lost a lot of sleep over this. One last unwitting soul being put into a new body. I made sure it was a man, roughly my age, unemployed, unmarried, I've done everything I could to vet the candidate. He should be arriving there tonight. I'm not saying it's OK that I've done this, only that it's happened a million times before and there's no way to stop it.
This is the only way.
I'm so sorry.
I've spent the ten months living in the body of a woman named Charlotte Christopoulos. It has not been easy. For any man, adjusting to the life of a woman would be a chore. You can imagine why, and you'd only be halfway there. There is still so much to know about being someone else. Anyone else. I took this challenge and, as I have with a lot of other obstacles in my life, did the best I could with it. It was hard, stressful, nerve-wracking, but I couldn't let on that I was struggling. There was work to do.
I messed up. Because it was an accident there is no reason I should feel guilty, but I do. Because of me three of my closest friends were transformed into other people, so I've worked tirelessly to get them, and me, back where we belong. I was single-minded. Survive, thrive, earn money to return to Maine, ignore the voice in my head reminding me of all the people my company - a travel agency - sent to that inn in Maine over the years. How many ruined lives are implicitly on my hands. Atone.
Bad things happen, no matter how good you are at planning. People will make mistakes, or things happen that are beyond your control. In my old life, I was a VP, I had a beautiful girlfriend I was planning to marry, I had money and status. Then I was turned into this, and somebody else had to be turned into me.
That somebody else... was a child. A preteen without enough sense of the world to deal with life at the level I was living. I could do everything right as Charlotte, but there was no way that kid was ever going to be a good Anthony.
He lost everything for me. Shaun has written about how guilty he feels for ruining Doug's relationship. It isn't his fault, and it isn't the Kid's fault for ruining mine, but it happened, and my career and my savings, and everything. It's gone. There was nothing I could do from here to protect it.
If I was going to go back to Maine, if I was going to go back to being Anthony, I would be starting from scratch. Worse off than I ever was before. And these are bad economic times to be trying to rebuild your life. I couldn't take it.
Shaun's a good man. He didn't steal Doug's life, even though Doug has everything Shaun seems to want. I'm not going back to the Inn. The real Charlotte has known this for some time. As far as I know, she will continue living as Wayne Tyson in Scotsdale, Arizona. As Wayne "he" is very much in love with his wife Linda, the original Clara. I don't know who will be claiming her body from Zane. It's none of my business.
My point is that as guilty as I feel for what I did to my friends, I did everything I could to fix it, I got the three of them back to Maine and if everything goes according to plan, they will be back where they belong in no time. I have to stay in Los Angeles. I'm going to be CeeCee for the rest of my life, barring some insane change of plans. I don't mind it here. The job has room for advancement. The body is sufficient for my needs. I'm thinking of getting a cat.
I've known this was happening for a few months now. I couldn't bring myself to tell anyone sooner because I was ashamed. I'm afraid you'll all think I'm taking the easy way out. Worried that you'll think less of me because I see "life as a woman" as better than "life stripped of everything I had." Afraid you'll think I'm some kind of thief. I hope you'll understand that I only did what I had to do.
This is the worst part.
The inn only works when enough people go. I had already made a reservation and couldn't cancel. This was all very time-sensitive. Through this blog, I learned about Travelers, who go back to the Inn for fun, or entertainment, or whatever. I first tried to offer my old body to Greg, but the timing didn't work out with him returning Alexis' body to her. He put me in touch with Fletcher, but he was unable to find any of his friends to visit the Inn that week.
So I took out an ad, and I sold my reservation privately, to someone who hasn't ever been before.
I've lost a lot of sleep over this. One last unwitting soul being put into a new body. I made sure it was a man, roughly my age, unemployed, unmarried, I've done everything I could to vet the candidate. He should be arriving there tonight. I'm not saying it's OK that I've done this, only that it's happened a million times before and there's no way to stop it.
This is the only way.
I'm so sorry.
Shaun/Doug: The Bumpy Road Home
I said I'd be at the inn last weekend. That was the intention. In the end I had to put off the flight to Maine until Thursday.
I had to help Nia move out.
I wanted to keep things tied together. I wanted to keep everything in place until Doug could finally get his body back, but things don't work that way. People don't work that way. I couldn't ask Nia to put her emotions on hold for a month until her real husband returned. And no matter how much I wanted to, I couldn't bring her to Maine. It doesn't work that way, either.
Doug is actually livid about this situation. He's not fond of me for messing up his relationship. He's admitted it's the situation not my fault, and maybe nobody could have withstood the pressure I started off with, but it's hard not to use me as a scapegoat. I was the one who had the chance to save their marriage.
He's also not so fond of Nia right now. "That bitch wants to walk out on me? That's how much our vows mean? Fuck her." Wow, it's not hard to see how there was already some negativity built up.
I was tempted to stay. I could have made it work somehow. If Doug was going to react this harshly, he might as well not even go back to her. I like Nia enough that I feel like I could resolve things. I liked being Doug enough that I felt I could continue. It might've been easiest for everyone.
But that's not how life works. If Doug and Nia are going to break up, they're going to have to. And Doug's going to have to be the one signing the papers, it's the right thing. I have my own responsibilities. I have a responsibility to my friends, to go back to the Inn and reclaim my own life, and help them reclaim theirs. This situation might end with everyone being miserable, but it's honest.
So I stayed an extra few days as a gesture of goodwill. Helped her relocate her necessities to her brother's house. She's still simmering with rage that I prioritized a mysterious vacation to Maine over her, but I had an ace up my sleeve. I told her it was for Clara.
Nia doesn't love Clara. She sees her as a burden, and to be honest, I think Doug might agree, but there's something to be said for family loyalty. Nia knows Clara's had a rough few years. And based on what Zane's experienced in Clara's body, she has seen things have gotten worse. If I tell her I'm going as a gift to my sister, she understands. She doesn't love it, but she understands. She even gave me a kiss goodbye when I left her brother's place. And she left a lot of her stuff, which is encouraging.
I have mixed feelings about this. I wish I had kept a more up-to-date blog so you could have a better sense of the ups and downs of this past year. It's hard for me not to sympathize with Nia, but I also want to defend myself to her, so we fight. But I feel like, without this Inn thing between us, we could have had a strong relationship. But I'll never forget it wasn't my relationship to begin with.
We all want to put this in the past. None of us wants to consider the possibility that we won't get our correct bodies back, but I've heard of that happening. Frankly, I just want anything to get me out of this body, but you know, they say be careful what you wish for.
After all, this time last year, I wished I was married, and I got that wish.
I think it will work out. Anthony was very take-charge in arranging this. He's a planner. Meticulous. I trust him. But the fact that he hasn't arrived yet is still troubling...
I had to help Nia move out.
I wanted to keep things tied together. I wanted to keep everything in place until Doug could finally get his body back, but things don't work that way. People don't work that way. I couldn't ask Nia to put her emotions on hold for a month until her real husband returned. And no matter how much I wanted to, I couldn't bring her to Maine. It doesn't work that way, either.
Doug is actually livid about this situation. He's not fond of me for messing up his relationship. He's admitted it's the situation not my fault, and maybe nobody could have withstood the pressure I started off with, but it's hard not to use me as a scapegoat. I was the one who had the chance to save their marriage.
He's also not so fond of Nia right now. "That bitch wants to walk out on me? That's how much our vows mean? Fuck her." Wow, it's not hard to see how there was already some negativity built up.
I was tempted to stay. I could have made it work somehow. If Doug was going to react this harshly, he might as well not even go back to her. I like Nia enough that I feel like I could resolve things. I liked being Doug enough that I felt I could continue. It might've been easiest for everyone.
But that's not how life works. If Doug and Nia are going to break up, they're going to have to. And Doug's going to have to be the one signing the papers, it's the right thing. I have my own responsibilities. I have a responsibility to my friends, to go back to the Inn and reclaim my own life, and help them reclaim theirs. This situation might end with everyone being miserable, but it's honest.
So I stayed an extra few days as a gesture of goodwill. Helped her relocate her necessities to her brother's house. She's still simmering with rage that I prioritized a mysterious vacation to Maine over her, but I had an ace up my sleeve. I told her it was for Clara.
Nia doesn't love Clara. She sees her as a burden, and to be honest, I think Doug might agree, but there's something to be said for family loyalty. Nia knows Clara's had a rough few years. And based on what Zane's experienced in Clara's body, she has seen things have gotten worse. If I tell her I'm going as a gift to my sister, she understands. She doesn't love it, but she understands. She even gave me a kiss goodbye when I left her brother's place. And she left a lot of her stuff, which is encouraging.
I have mixed feelings about this. I wish I had kept a more up-to-date blog so you could have a better sense of the ups and downs of this past year. It's hard for me not to sympathize with Nia, but I also want to defend myself to her, so we fight. But I feel like, without this Inn thing between us, we could have had a strong relationship. But I'll never forget it wasn't my relationship to begin with.
We all want to put this in the past. None of us wants to consider the possibility that we won't get our correct bodies back, but I've heard of that happening. Frankly, I just want anything to get me out of this body, but you know, they say be careful what you wish for.
After all, this time last year, I wished I was married, and I got that wish.
I think it will work out. Anthony was very take-charge in arranging this. He's a planner. Meticulous. I trust him. But the fact that he hasn't arrived yet is still troubling...
Lisa/Eve: Getting back where we started
Yes, I'm back in Maine. No, I'm not back in my own body yet. What I understand about the Inn is that it only works when all the rooms are "filled." I guess that means that if enough people happened to be walking by at the wrong time, they could be counted, but we'll never know how it selects exactly when and how to start changing people.
All I know is that it hasn't happened yet. I've spent a lot of time just staring out the window. I barely want to leave this room. I just sit by the window watching rain fall.
Shaun and Anthony actually delayed in getting here. Shaun's been dealing with his marriage situation and just arrived yesterday. I don't know what Anthony's excuse is. Being that his current body and mine are sisters, you'd think we could communicate more, but he's always so secretive. I hope he makes it here by the end of the weekend.
It's hard to believe I've spent a year in this body, in this life. It hasn't been easier, but it's been a lot easier for me than any of my friends. Even SHaun really started to see some backlash by the end. I'll let him explain to you how that worked out, if he chooses. He's told me a slightly more detailed version of what he wrote here. It's hard to blame him, but he seems really hurt by it.
So for the past week or so, it's been me and Zane up here. I haven't seen much of him/her since last fall when the change rendered him practically catatonic... whether that was due to the depressive state of Clara's body, or his own substances disagreeing with it, I don't know.
It's weird how, as Clara, Zane is both "like" and "unlike" himself. I was thinking of him as this fragile flower, this object of pity, broken by the transformation, when the real Zane had a real resilience. I never saw anything affect him quite the way becoming Clara did last summer and I was worried about spending time with "her."
But it's Zane who has encouraged me to get out of the room the most. I've spent so much of the last year going places and doing things I didn't want to that I liked the idea of staying in and shutting down until I was myself again. It occurred to me that Zane has sort of the opposite: being Clara has kept him from doing things, from going places and enjoying life, because of self-consciousness, depression, and lately, lack of control. These past few days are the last he'll spend as a woman, with any luck. They might be the only ones he enjoys.
Whatever Zane's agreement with this Wes character, it doesn't seem like he's as okay with it as he wants people to believe. It doesn't seem like something an emotionally-healthy person would be able to put herself through, and at the risk of sounding patronizing, I know Zane, as Clara, is not that.
I'm worried that this experience might haunt all of us afterwards, but him most of all.
Anyway, I wrote this because I realized none of us had checked in on the blog. Still waiting on the last of our group. Anthony, wherever you are, get here quick.
All I know is that it hasn't happened yet. I've spent a lot of time just staring out the window. I barely want to leave this room. I just sit by the window watching rain fall.
Shaun and Anthony actually delayed in getting here. Shaun's been dealing with his marriage situation and just arrived yesterday. I don't know what Anthony's excuse is. Being that his current body and mine are sisters, you'd think we could communicate more, but he's always so secretive. I hope he makes it here by the end of the weekend.
It's hard to believe I've spent a year in this body, in this life. It hasn't been easier, but it's been a lot easier for me than any of my friends. Even SHaun really started to see some backlash by the end. I'll let him explain to you how that worked out, if he chooses. He's told me a slightly more detailed version of what he wrote here. It's hard to blame him, but he seems really hurt by it.
So for the past week or so, it's been me and Zane up here. I haven't seen much of him/her since last fall when the change rendered him practically catatonic... whether that was due to the depressive state of Clara's body, or his own substances disagreeing with it, I don't know.
It's weird how, as Clara, Zane is both "like" and "unlike" himself. I was thinking of him as this fragile flower, this object of pity, broken by the transformation, when the real Zane had a real resilience. I never saw anything affect him quite the way becoming Clara did last summer and I was worried about spending time with "her."
But it's Zane who has encouraged me to get out of the room the most. I've spent so much of the last year going places and doing things I didn't want to that I liked the idea of staying in and shutting down until I was myself again. It occurred to me that Zane has sort of the opposite: being Clara has kept him from doing things, from going places and enjoying life, because of self-consciousness, depression, and lately, lack of control. These past few days are the last he'll spend as a woman, with any luck. They might be the only ones he enjoys.
Whatever Zane's agreement with this Wes character, it doesn't seem like he's as okay with it as he wants people to believe. It doesn't seem like something an emotionally-healthy person would be able to put herself through, and at the risk of sounding patronizing, I know Zane, as Clara, is not that.
I'm worried that this experience might haunt all of us afterwards, but him most of all.
Anyway, I wrote this because I realized none of us had checked in on the blog. Still waiting on the last of our group. Anthony, wherever you are, get here quick.
Thursday, June 14, 2012
Tori: Keeping happy
I'm comfortable. I could complain a bit about my financial state or the occasional rocky period in my relationship. I vented a bit in my last post about how Alex didn't want to move in together yet and this somehow tied together with my mind which was all messed up with baby-crazies.
I love him because he likes me. I don't want to be "a girl" about this and start looking for things to go wrong, because we're not getting married (honestly, the stress of having a wedding just sounds awful to me. Sara just put hers off until fall.) At this point, if I'm happy, all I need to do is keep him happy, so if this is all he wants, I can handle it.
It's been some work. I've never been with someone this much for this long. Never shared so much, never made them this big a part of my life. Less and less, that one thing he doesn't know about me seems like a big deal, but it won't go away completely. Some nights we'll be in bed and I'll think "If only a woman loved me this much when I was a guy..." and it's hard to imagine how, after all this time, I'm so comfortable and yet still clinging to past regrets. I would have loved it then, but what I have now is superb so I don't know why I'm complaining.
Every so often, Alex will ask me if there's something bothering me. I try to brush it off and tell him things are fine. And they mostly are: I'm happy with my body. I have a guy to wrap his arms around me, and even if we don't live together, he's still somehow usually here to watch me try on four different outfits before going out. I swear after three years I'm still not an ace at dressing myself in a hurry, but most girls aren't even after a full lifetime. Undressing, on the other hand, I can do.
Luckily, I don't have to spend too much time picking an outfit in the morning. Black pants. White polo shirt. Nametag. I'm the girl who sells cell phones in the mall. I'm trying to take a little pride in this position, because even if it's not corporate, it's still tech-related and appeals to my interests and skill set, but I have no delusions about why I was hired. I'm the eye candy. Given a chance, most guys would rather talk to a pretty girl about their cell phone plan than anyone else working there (not to say some of my male co-workers aren't attractive, but I doubt most of the male customers care.) But it's embarrassing sometimes, because my male co-workers have this perception of me having been hired for my looks and not knowing anything about phones. And there's a lot to keep track of, with features and plans, that sometimes when I stumble or need to be helped out, it feeds their perception of me as "dumb hot (blonde!!) chick." Eye candy.
I've worked retail as Tori before, but that was in a garment shop. The only people I ever talked to were women. I wasn't the hottest one there, nor the least knowledgeable since when I became a girl I was obsessed with finding out the differences in types of fashion.
When a guy screws up around here, it's no big deal. They just laugh it off. But because I'm fighting my reputation, it's really stressful, especially because I haven't had a lot of time to get good at it yet, only working two or three shifts a week. To say nothing of male customers admiring my chest while I'm trying to explain the savings of a 3-year smart phone contract to them.
Sorry for the rambling post, anyway. Sometimes I worry about leaving off on a post like my last one, where I seem like some crazy girl, and I wanted to reassure you guys that things are actually going good. Routine with the BF, stress at the job, but good.
I love him because he likes me. I don't want to be "a girl" about this and start looking for things to go wrong, because we're not getting married (honestly, the stress of having a wedding just sounds awful to me. Sara just put hers off until fall.) At this point, if I'm happy, all I need to do is keep him happy, so if this is all he wants, I can handle it.
It's been some work. I've never been with someone this much for this long. Never shared so much, never made them this big a part of my life. Less and less, that one thing he doesn't know about me seems like a big deal, but it won't go away completely. Some nights we'll be in bed and I'll think "If only a woman loved me this much when I was a guy..." and it's hard to imagine how, after all this time, I'm so comfortable and yet still clinging to past regrets. I would have loved it then, but what I have now is superb so I don't know why I'm complaining.
Every so often, Alex will ask me if there's something bothering me. I try to brush it off and tell him things are fine. And they mostly are: I'm happy with my body. I have a guy to wrap his arms around me, and even if we don't live together, he's still somehow usually here to watch me try on four different outfits before going out. I swear after three years I'm still not an ace at dressing myself in a hurry, but most girls aren't even after a full lifetime. Undressing, on the other hand, I can do.
Luckily, I don't have to spend too much time picking an outfit in the morning. Black pants. White polo shirt. Nametag. I'm the girl who sells cell phones in the mall. I'm trying to take a little pride in this position, because even if it's not corporate, it's still tech-related and appeals to my interests and skill set, but I have no delusions about why I was hired. I'm the eye candy. Given a chance, most guys would rather talk to a pretty girl about their cell phone plan than anyone else working there (not to say some of my male co-workers aren't attractive, but I doubt most of the male customers care.) But it's embarrassing sometimes, because my male co-workers have this perception of me having been hired for my looks and not knowing anything about phones. And there's a lot to keep track of, with features and plans, that sometimes when I stumble or need to be helped out, it feeds their perception of me as "dumb hot (blonde!!) chick." Eye candy.
I've worked retail as Tori before, but that was in a garment shop. The only people I ever talked to were women. I wasn't the hottest one there, nor the least knowledgeable since when I became a girl I was obsessed with finding out the differences in types of fashion.
When a guy screws up around here, it's no big deal. They just laugh it off. But because I'm fighting my reputation, it's really stressful, especially because I haven't had a lot of time to get good at it yet, only working two or three shifts a week. To say nothing of male customers admiring my chest while I'm trying to explain the savings of a 3-year smart phone contract to them.
Sorry for the rambling post, anyway. Sometimes I worry about leaving off on a post like my last one, where I seem like some crazy girl, and I wanted to reassure you guys that things are actually going good. Routine with the BF, stress at the job, but good.
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Ellie: What I know
Now that the school year is winding down, I can finally de-stress and pay a little attention to this blog. It's always in the back of my head, because from a certain angle thinking about the Inn and my life (and Ellie's and Emily's and everybody else) is way more important than whether I got my homework done. But in the moment, it's easy to get caught up in the day to day facts of being this girl at this point in her life (and mine.)
I never went to high school. I graduated finished the eighth grade, took a vacation with my dad, and woke up one morning in a "real world" where I was a grown woman. It was a mixed blessing because every teenager craves freedom, but hates responsibility. And I didn't have the proper amount of time to grow into myself. Sometimes I hear about people "my age" (whatever age that is) who lost their parents or have had to be self-sufficient for any reason, and I want to tell them I know exactly how they feel, but as Ellie, I'm not supposed to. In my life, this high school chunk was the missing piece of my life experience. It may seem like hell to a lot of the people here, but it works, when you're 16 or 17 to ease you into life on your own. Knowing the alternative, which I lived, I would have gladly gone through this from the beginning.
Which is why I kind of gravitated toward Callahan, when I started learning more about him. It started out as a curiosity, when Iris first mentioned it. A sort of reminder that I'm still a girl in a school half-full of boys, who may want to look t me or get to know me. And even though I didn't consider myself available, that didn't mean I couldn't get lonely. I've spent the bulk of my "adult" life with members of the opposite sex, whichever sex that happened to be. As Ellie I've been both "alone at last" and lonely.
I got myself into situations where I could talk to him. Saying "Hi" in the hallway, later asking about his life. It helped to mend fences between me and Emily. I think she always thought I was bitter because she started flirting and dating almost from the get-go, and maybe I had lingering feelings. I don't know what to say about any of that, but suddenly we related a lot better. If there's anything that brings teenage girls together, it's a crush.
This wasn't a crush, but I maybe tried to make it one. I thought if I was going to like any of the guys at school it would probably be him, and the more I got to know him, the more I liked him. But there's a limit on that. There's nothing special about him. He's not overly funny or smart, but he's not a bad guy. I just find him less annoying than the other boys around here.
And I thought for a little while that was good enough. It was a high school relationship, not some deep romance. If I wanted to hang around with a guy, I could text him and see if he wanted to watch a movie or something. He got the message pretty quickly and we're set to go to Prom together this weekend.
Except I can't help but feel wrong about this. This is my first prom ever, I've got this nice dress, and my date is just some guy "I can put up with." I don't know what he's expecting afterward but even though I've done plenty with worse guys, I can't help but feel like going through with "prom night stuff" would be too wrong, but leading him on, more than I already have, would feel even worse. This situation is very new to me.
My best friend, Iris, is going to be there too, without a date. I kind of goaded her into it because I agreed to go and didn't want to "just" be with him and Emily, I wanted someone I really like there. I also wanted her to have fun, because, aside from going to the Inn you're only young once and I don't like seeing her waste it.
What I've learned is that I'm still going to be here next year. My "father" made the decision that since we don't know what happened to the real Ellie, Emily and Mr. McClay, it would be a bad idea to return to the inn especially since we don't have "real" bodies to return to. This is something that still keeps me up nights sometimes. I'm not much of an investigator. I had some leads back in the fall but the trail went cold and... well, I got distracted. It's not easy leading a double life. I'll talk more about it, hopefully, when I get some time this summer.
I never went to high school. I graduated finished the eighth grade, took a vacation with my dad, and woke up one morning in a "real world" where I was a grown woman. It was a mixed blessing because every teenager craves freedom, but hates responsibility. And I didn't have the proper amount of time to grow into myself. Sometimes I hear about people "my age" (whatever age that is) who lost their parents or have had to be self-sufficient for any reason, and I want to tell them I know exactly how they feel, but as Ellie, I'm not supposed to. In my life, this high school chunk was the missing piece of my life experience. It may seem like hell to a lot of the people here, but it works, when you're 16 or 17 to ease you into life on your own. Knowing the alternative, which I lived, I would have gladly gone through this from the beginning.
Which is why I kind of gravitated toward Callahan, when I started learning more about him. It started out as a curiosity, when Iris first mentioned it. A sort of reminder that I'm still a girl in a school half-full of boys, who may want to look t me or get to know me. And even though I didn't consider myself available, that didn't mean I couldn't get lonely. I've spent the bulk of my "adult" life with members of the opposite sex, whichever sex that happened to be. As Ellie I've been both "alone at last" and lonely.
I got myself into situations where I could talk to him. Saying "Hi" in the hallway, later asking about his life. It helped to mend fences between me and Emily. I think she always thought I was bitter because she started flirting and dating almost from the get-go, and maybe I had lingering feelings. I don't know what to say about any of that, but suddenly we related a lot better. If there's anything that brings teenage girls together, it's a crush.
This wasn't a crush, but I maybe tried to make it one. I thought if I was going to like any of the guys at school it would probably be him, and the more I got to know him, the more I liked him. But there's a limit on that. There's nothing special about him. He's not overly funny or smart, but he's not a bad guy. I just find him less annoying than the other boys around here.
And I thought for a little while that was good enough. It was a high school relationship, not some deep romance. If I wanted to hang around with a guy, I could text him and see if he wanted to watch a movie or something. He got the message pretty quickly and we're set to go to Prom together this weekend.
Except I can't help but feel wrong about this. This is my first prom ever, I've got this nice dress, and my date is just some guy "I can put up with." I don't know what he's expecting afterward but even though I've done plenty with worse guys, I can't help but feel like going through with "prom night stuff" would be too wrong, but leading him on, more than I already have, would feel even worse. This situation is very new to me.
My best friend, Iris, is going to be there too, without a date. I kind of goaded her into it because I agreed to go and didn't want to "just" be with him and Emily, I wanted someone I really like there. I also wanted her to have fun, because, aside from going to the Inn you're only young once and I don't like seeing her waste it.
What I've learned is that I'm still going to be here next year. My "father" made the decision that since we don't know what happened to the real Ellie, Emily and Mr. McClay, it would be a bad idea to return to the inn especially since we don't have "real" bodies to return to. This is something that still keeps me up nights sometimes. I'm not much of an investigator. I had some leads back in the fall but the trail went cold and... well, I got distracted. It's not easy leading a double life. I'll talk more about it, hopefully, when I get some time this summer.
Friday, June 08, 2012
Shaun/Doug: Cruise Control
From the outset of this whole "transformation" thing, I felt like a lucky duck. It was easy for me to focus on how much more simple my life was going to be as Doug than, say, Zane's as Clara. Every so often I talk to "her" to lend my support, but it usually ends badly. Since this thing with Wes began, "she" hasn't even been returning my calls. And while I'd love to spend a lot of time worrying about my friend's status, the truth is I have a lot of problems of my own.
See, when you have a relationship, especially one based on a shaky foundation (schedules not lining up, also not having any of this man's memories) it's not good to be on autopilot. If you're in a comfortable place and you know it, it can feel like you can just cruise, but if that's not the case, just eking by lets the cracks that already exist get worse.
I guess Doug had a good reason for hiding this from me, and maybe he didn't even see it this way, but there were definitely cracks in his and Nia's marriage. As "good" as I tried to be, as much as I was along for the ride, the fact that my heart wasn't in it has been obvious to her for a long time.
Which feels bad, because since coming here, I've grown to really care about her. When I say "I love you," it's easy to smile because she's really fun to be around. And after the failure of my engagement, I really wanted this relationship to last.
But I wasn't in the right place to dive in. I took advantage of the fact that we weren't always home at the same time. Instead of making time to see her, I maintained that light schedule of "couplehood." When I began to suspect I really might love her, I kept her at arm's length because I know she doesn't love me back, she loves Doug. I didn't want to get hurt. And I got hurt anyway. In the last few weeks I've had to face the facts that I have handled this situation very badly.
I've been stealing away in my spare moments to see Lisa. Since her college term ended last month, she's been around here more, and bored, so when I can I grab some beers and take her for a drive. We talk, about old times, about our current lives... probably the main reason I don't blog to you guys much is because I have her to talk to.
Well, I guess my little outings were not unnoticed, because Nia was waiting up for me. And she had the one question that you don't want to be asked in a marriage, if you don't have a good answer:
"Where have you been?"
I stammered a response, "I, uh, went for a drive." Not terrible. There's a lot of places to drive to around here. "I thought you were working?"
Bad. So bad. Okay, it's believable that I would go for a drive if she was working, but she noticed I was keeping track of her whereabouts and not in a... good way.
"I switched shifts. Who were you with?"
"Nobody," I said.
"I don't believe you."
"I go for drives sometimes when you're not around."
"Is this a joke? Who are you?"
For a second there - just a second - I thought she actually knew I wasn't her husband. But she uses that phrase as a variation on "Who do you think you are?"
She continued, "You should sit down."
I did.
She leaned in and said how much she had noticed my behavior lately. I forget things about our past. Sometimes I don't even respond to my own name. I never seem to want to be around the house with her.
That last one... it's not that I try to get away from her. I like her a lot, but I guess, early on, I caught on to the idea that manipulating my schedule so that I spent less time with her - working on days she had off, working mornings when she worked at night - would lessen the burden on me to pretend to be in a marriage with her.
It was also for my own good. Guys, last summer, when I got this body, I was in no place to be told "You're going to be married to someone right now." I just had my engagement broken off, I was bitter, I was afraid, I was vulnerable. And when I met Nia, and everything seemed so perfect, because this so-called relationship was all set up for me, I... felt things that I had no business feeling. It took a great deal of self-awareness to remember this is not my marriage, this is not my woman, she doesn't love me even if she thinks she does, I have no right to feel entitled to her.
And as a result, I may have gone too far the other way.
"I don't feel comfortable around you anymore," she told me. "You keep too many secrets, you're too distant. You disappear on nights like this, don't think I haven't noticed."
She said, "I know you've got this trip planned again, with your sister and her friends. I don't know why you didn't even ask me to come along. I'd like to think that if you're having an affair you wouldn't be so goddamned stupid about it."
"I'm not having an affair," I told her.
"Don't talk. If you cared about me you wouldn't be going on a trip without me. If you go, I'm not sure I can keep going in this relationship."
That hurt. I thought I was doing better. I thought I had some leeway, but that's not what happens in relationships. You have a partner, and your partner needs to trust you.
My mind raced. If I go without her, I risk destroying the relationship that's been left in my care, that I really wanted to return to the real Doug intact. If I stay then the relationship is safe... but with me in it, stealing another man's happiness. Then I could get comfortable. I could maybe make her love me.
Then I thought about somehow bringing her along. I don't know how that would work, what strange new body she might get. I'd even accept a body that wasn't my own because then she would fully understand what we've been going through for the past year, forgive the real Doug, even if it meant revealing my identity and probably making her hate me forever.
But that's not an option. I could never put another person, especially someone I care about, in this situation. There has to be another way.
Next Saturday, I plan to be in Maine. I have no idea what happens before or after that.
See, when you have a relationship, especially one based on a shaky foundation (schedules not lining up, also not having any of this man's memories) it's not good to be on autopilot. If you're in a comfortable place and you know it, it can feel like you can just cruise, but if that's not the case, just eking by lets the cracks that already exist get worse.
I guess Doug had a good reason for hiding this from me, and maybe he didn't even see it this way, but there were definitely cracks in his and Nia's marriage. As "good" as I tried to be, as much as I was along for the ride, the fact that my heart wasn't in it has been obvious to her for a long time.
Which feels bad, because since coming here, I've grown to really care about her. When I say "I love you," it's easy to smile because she's really fun to be around. And after the failure of my engagement, I really wanted this relationship to last.
But I wasn't in the right place to dive in. I took advantage of the fact that we weren't always home at the same time. Instead of making time to see her, I maintained that light schedule of "couplehood." When I began to suspect I really might love her, I kept her at arm's length because I know she doesn't love me back, she loves Doug. I didn't want to get hurt. And I got hurt anyway. In the last few weeks I've had to face the facts that I have handled this situation very badly.
I've been stealing away in my spare moments to see Lisa. Since her college term ended last month, she's been around here more, and bored, so when I can I grab some beers and take her for a drive. We talk, about old times, about our current lives... probably the main reason I don't blog to you guys much is because I have her to talk to.
Well, I guess my little outings were not unnoticed, because Nia was waiting up for me. And she had the one question that you don't want to be asked in a marriage, if you don't have a good answer:
"Where have you been?"
I stammered a response, "I, uh, went for a drive." Not terrible. There's a lot of places to drive to around here. "I thought you were working?"
Bad. So bad. Okay, it's believable that I would go for a drive if she was working, but she noticed I was keeping track of her whereabouts and not in a... good way.
"I switched shifts. Who were you with?"
"Nobody," I said.
"I don't believe you."
"I go for drives sometimes when you're not around."
"Is this a joke? Who are you?"
For a second there - just a second - I thought she actually knew I wasn't her husband. But she uses that phrase as a variation on "Who do you think you are?"
She continued, "You should sit down."
I did.
She leaned in and said how much she had noticed my behavior lately. I forget things about our past. Sometimes I don't even respond to my own name. I never seem to want to be around the house with her.
That last one... it's not that I try to get away from her. I like her a lot, but I guess, early on, I caught on to the idea that manipulating my schedule so that I spent less time with her - working on days she had off, working mornings when she worked at night - would lessen the burden on me to pretend to be in a marriage with her.
It was also for my own good. Guys, last summer, when I got this body, I was in no place to be told "You're going to be married to someone right now." I just had my engagement broken off, I was bitter, I was afraid, I was vulnerable. And when I met Nia, and everything seemed so perfect, because this so-called relationship was all set up for me, I... felt things that I had no business feeling. It took a great deal of self-awareness to remember this is not my marriage, this is not my woman, she doesn't love me even if she thinks she does, I have no right to feel entitled to her.
And as a result, I may have gone too far the other way.
"I don't feel comfortable around you anymore," she told me. "You keep too many secrets, you're too distant. You disappear on nights like this, don't think I haven't noticed."
She said, "I know you've got this trip planned again, with your sister and her friends. I don't know why you didn't even ask me to come along. I'd like to think that if you're having an affair you wouldn't be so goddamned stupid about it."
"I'm not having an affair," I told her.
"Don't talk. If you cared about me you wouldn't be going on a trip without me. If you go, I'm not sure I can keep going in this relationship."
That hurt. I thought I was doing better. I thought I had some leeway, but that's not what happens in relationships. You have a partner, and your partner needs to trust you.
My mind raced. If I go without her, I risk destroying the relationship that's been left in my care, that I really wanted to return to the real Doug intact. If I stay then the relationship is safe... but with me in it, stealing another man's happiness. Then I could get comfortable. I could maybe make her love me.
Then I thought about somehow bringing her along. I don't know how that would work, what strange new body she might get. I'd even accept a body that wasn't my own because then she would fully understand what we've been going through for the past year, forgive the real Doug, even if it meant revealing my identity and probably making her hate me forever.
But that's not an option. I could never put another person, especially someone I care about, in this situation. There has to be another way.
Next Saturday, I plan to be in Maine. I have no idea what happens before or after that.
Monday, June 04, 2012
Greg/Alexis: On the prowl
One of the things I've liked best about living in Burlington is that it has a small town feel with a big city culture. Meaning you get all the progressive ideas of an urban area without all the crowds. It makes working, shopping, and overall living very enjoyable. One thing that's more difficult is dating, especially when youre gay.
There used to be an awful show on Showtime called "The L Word", which was about a bunch of Lesbians in Southern California who really didn't do much besides be gay. I tried watching it on DVD for pointers when I first became Alex, but couldn't get through the first season, thats how annoying the characters were. Anyway, one of the lesbians on that show had a bulletin board with the names of all the gay women she knew and had them connected together in a web by string if they had slept together. Besides being a little psychotic, it's actually a pretty accurate way of representing local gay communities. When you go from having a dating pool of about 45% of people to a dating pool of about 5% of people, especially in a town of less than 40,000, theres bound to be some overlap. That means of all the gay women in Burlington almost all of them either know me, know Sharon, know Annabelle, or know someone who knows us. Its like 3 degrees of separation and it makes it difficult to date when someone can look up on facebook and see that youre married.
Perhaps I should rewind a bit and explain why I was out looking for women. After my conversation with Malinda on Mother's Day I realized that I wasn't just sad about having to break things off with Annabelle, I was sad at the idea of having to be alone again. I've been mostly single for the past three years after being in a very long relationship and I dont really enjoy it. Annabelle gave me someone to go out with and yes, have sex with regularly and I didn't want to be banned from doing that. For the time being, this is my body and as long as I dont do anything that would screw up any friendships or relationships of the real Alex I figure I'm free to date who I want. Sadly dating someone in Burlington who wouldn't spread it around that I'm "cheating" on Sharon is quite difficult.
So this past Saturday night I got in my car and drove about 45 minutes to Montpelier, which despite being smaller than Burlington is still big enough to have a gay bar.
I had never been to a gay bar, I wasn't expecting it to be all bubbles and techno but I did prepare myself for it too be a little different. I vowed to go in with an open mind but found out that I wasn't just ill prepared to pick up women in a gay bar, I was ill prepared to pick up women in ANY bar.
What can I say, I was rusty. And the worst part about being rusty is you dont even know that you are. The last time I went looking for women it wasn't in a bar. I was too young to go to bars; that's how long Amber and I were together before thing's got derailed. So I tried to awkwardly pick up women with a knowledge of "how to pick up lesbians" and "how to meet girls in bars" that was pieced together from various movies.
At first I just sat at the bar, scoping people out. It's weird because only about half of the women there were lesbians, the other half were straight women who came there with their friends to avoid being hit on by guys. The myth that girls can just go to the bar and drink for free because people will buy them for you is incorrect or didn't apply in my case because there was very little action.
Another thing I had forgotten after being out of the dating pool for so long? Rejection. Yeah, it hurts. Not only does it take massive amounts of courage to walk up to a stranger and ask to buy them a drink, its very difficult to look cool or not take it personally when they turn you down.
Of course once they do talk to you you have to very subtly convince them that you are awesome and worthy of seeing again outside of a bar. Which is difficult because who I am is a mix of at least two different people so selling that to someone is hard to do in a smooth manner. I did manage to talk to this one woman, Haley, for about 15 minutes. She was cool, worked for the state government, liked video games and sports, she and Alex would have a lot in common. But when it came time to ask for her number, I totally botched it and made it sound like I was just trying to hook up with her, which in a way I kinda was. So despite not having a penis since 2009, I blew it by thinking with my dick.
So, feeling down on myself I went to Denny's and had coffee till I was sober enough to drive back to Burlington. When I got back I just wanted to lie back and have a nice long sleep but I was still feeling a little frisky.
When I got up to the master bedroom, Malinda had already claimed it. She was taking a bubble bath when I called to her telling her I needed my toothbrush.
"C'mon in and get it, I'm not standing up"
So I walked in and, still a gentleman on the inside, shielded my eyes from the bath while I gathered my stuff.
"I didn't think you'd be home tonight, that you'd be in some hotel room" She teased
"Yeah it turns out I have no game" I said self deprecatingly "Something I'm gonna need to work on"
I grabbed my stuff and very quietly reached for the bottom dresser drawer for what I really wanted. Over the past few months through careful experimentation I've become quite familiar with Alex and Sharon's extensive and exotic collection of sex toys. I couldnt find their Hitachi Magic Wand, which is mind blowing, and hoped I didn't leave it out somewhere. I grabbed the Rabbit and headed downstairs to hop myself to sleep.
when I woke up fully refreshed my head was clearer and I've decided that the bar scene isn't for me. So for the next few months of my adventure I'm going to try online dating for companionship.
I'll keep you posted
-Greg/Alexis
There used to be an awful show on Showtime called "The L Word", which was about a bunch of Lesbians in Southern California who really didn't do much besides be gay. I tried watching it on DVD for pointers when I first became Alex, but couldn't get through the first season, thats how annoying the characters were. Anyway, one of the lesbians on that show had a bulletin board with the names of all the gay women she knew and had them connected together in a web by string if they had slept together. Besides being a little psychotic, it's actually a pretty accurate way of representing local gay communities. When you go from having a dating pool of about 45% of people to a dating pool of about 5% of people, especially in a town of less than 40,000, theres bound to be some overlap. That means of all the gay women in Burlington almost all of them either know me, know Sharon, know Annabelle, or know someone who knows us. Its like 3 degrees of separation and it makes it difficult to date when someone can look up on facebook and see that youre married.
Perhaps I should rewind a bit and explain why I was out looking for women. After my conversation with Malinda on Mother's Day I realized that I wasn't just sad about having to break things off with Annabelle, I was sad at the idea of having to be alone again. I've been mostly single for the past three years after being in a very long relationship and I dont really enjoy it. Annabelle gave me someone to go out with and yes, have sex with regularly and I didn't want to be banned from doing that. For the time being, this is my body and as long as I dont do anything that would screw up any friendships or relationships of the real Alex I figure I'm free to date who I want. Sadly dating someone in Burlington who wouldn't spread it around that I'm "cheating" on Sharon is quite difficult.
So this past Saturday night I got in my car and drove about 45 minutes to Montpelier, which despite being smaller than Burlington is still big enough to have a gay bar.
I had never been to a gay bar, I wasn't expecting it to be all bubbles and techno but I did prepare myself for it too be a little different. I vowed to go in with an open mind but found out that I wasn't just ill prepared to pick up women in a gay bar, I was ill prepared to pick up women in ANY bar.
What can I say, I was rusty. And the worst part about being rusty is you dont even know that you are. The last time I went looking for women it wasn't in a bar. I was too young to go to bars; that's how long Amber and I were together before thing's got derailed. So I tried to awkwardly pick up women with a knowledge of "how to pick up lesbians" and "how to meet girls in bars" that was pieced together from various movies.
At first I just sat at the bar, scoping people out. It's weird because only about half of the women there were lesbians, the other half were straight women who came there with their friends to avoid being hit on by guys. The myth that girls can just go to the bar and drink for free because people will buy them for you is incorrect or didn't apply in my case because there was very little action.
Another thing I had forgotten after being out of the dating pool for so long? Rejection. Yeah, it hurts. Not only does it take massive amounts of courage to walk up to a stranger and ask to buy them a drink, its very difficult to look cool or not take it personally when they turn you down.
Of course once they do talk to you you have to very subtly convince them that you are awesome and worthy of seeing again outside of a bar. Which is difficult because who I am is a mix of at least two different people so selling that to someone is hard to do in a smooth manner. I did manage to talk to this one woman, Haley, for about 15 minutes. She was cool, worked for the state government, liked video games and sports, she and Alex would have a lot in common. But when it came time to ask for her number, I totally botched it and made it sound like I was just trying to hook up with her, which in a way I kinda was. So despite not having a penis since 2009, I blew it by thinking with my dick.
So, feeling down on myself I went to Denny's and had coffee till I was sober enough to drive back to Burlington. When I got back I just wanted to lie back and have a nice long sleep but I was still feeling a little frisky.
When I got up to the master bedroom, Malinda had already claimed it. She was taking a bubble bath when I called to her telling her I needed my toothbrush.
"C'mon in and get it, I'm not standing up"
So I walked in and, still a gentleman on the inside, shielded my eyes from the bath while I gathered my stuff.
"I didn't think you'd be home tonight, that you'd be in some hotel room" She teased
"Yeah it turns out I have no game" I said self deprecatingly "Something I'm gonna need to work on"
I grabbed my stuff and very quietly reached for the bottom dresser drawer for what I really wanted. Over the past few months through careful experimentation I've become quite familiar with Alex and Sharon's extensive and exotic collection of sex toys. I couldnt find their Hitachi Magic Wand, which is mind blowing, and hoped I didn't leave it out somewhere. I grabbed the Rabbit and headed downstairs to hop myself to sleep.
when I woke up fully refreshed my head was clearer and I've decided that the bar scene isn't for me. So for the next few months of my adventure I'm going to try online dating for companionship.
I'll keep you posted
-Greg/Alexis
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