Elias/Meadow: Tossing and turning

I guess I'm not real good with confrontation. When I graduated high school I was still dating my girlfriend Alice Min. I wasn't having a lot of fun, but I didn't want to break up with her because I was afraid I wouldn't meet another girl. Then my mom got sick and Alice went away to school and we just kind of agreed to end it.

I was thinking about her for two days straight as I awkwardly shuffled my way around Francis.

This guy thinks I'm his girlfriend. He knows something's wrong. I can see him kind of tilting his head just a bit when I do something non-Meadowy. But then the thought passes and he shakes it off. Of course I'm Meadow. I look just like her.

And if you were dating a 5'11 skinny blonde, you would probably need a really good reason to break up with her.

I should get it over with, I keep thinking. End it right here. Lay down the law. But every time I think about doing that, my stomach ties up in knots. What would I even say to convince him? What is that fight going to look like? What is my plan for afterward, when one of us has to move out? (It would be rude of me not to be the one to go.)

I kept telling Jennie -- who had to go back to her apartment, with her non-Inn-cursed-roommate -- that I had to do it sooner or later. And she kind of laughed. "Hey, if you don't want to date him, I will."

"What? Do you like him? Is he... hot?"

"Oh yeah, girl, he's fire."

I looked at him again. Well, he's not ugly.

True to his word, he got me a job waiting tables at the bistro. I was grateful and I even gave him a hug for it. But the job sucks. It's hot and noisy and I'm not very good at it. On my first day after shadowing, I got like three orders wrong.

Plus, while you don't have to show a lot of skin, all the other girls do have their low neck tops and short shorts on, so... yeah. I follow suit. But I don't even care about that. Really.

I'm actually surprised I'm not totally tired by the end of my shift but I guess Meadow's body is used to nursing where they really run you ragged. But I can pretend to be tired, which keeps Francis off my back. And my front.

I just keep sleeping on the couch, waking up with a crick in my neck, and thinking, I need to end this before it goes too far. But I just can't seem to bring myself to.

Elias/Meadow: The Key

It's fun to be a girl. Sometimes.

I'm having a very interesting experience walking around, wearing another person's clothes, being talked to like I'm her. People seem a fair bit more excited to see me this way than as a short, sweaty, greasy 21-year-old guy. I didn't feel like I mattered much then. Now, when I get to the front of the line for coffee, the person serving me, whether they're a guy or a girl, seems a little happier to see me. Just because I'm... whatever I look like.

That's cool.

Other stuff, like private stuff, is a little more of an adjustment that isn't always cool, but I'm learning to live with it, you know. I don't hate any of it, it's just different from what I know. 

Jennie had told me not to play with my hair so much. I'm not used to it being so long, but if I keep touching it it's going to get all greasy. She's crashing with me because Ricky had to go off and live Darla's life, and Jennie was not particularly excited to stay in her stepfather's orbit anyway. I have a couch, and I need someone to keep me grounded and walk me through girl stuff, help me dress myself and just generally be around. Show me what make-up is like.

It's a bit like having a girlfriend, except without any of that stuff. Which I guess is what makes her a "girlfriend" in the way girls mean it.

I've had girlfriends before. I actually dated one girl for two years before my mom got sick. Then we kind of had to make a choice and we decided it was best to split up and let her go live her life. I went on a few dates over the last few years that didn't amount to anything but the occasional hookup. I didn't think I would be doing anything like that as Meadow. I mean, it's too complicated to think about.

Then last night I'm trying to get to sleep... I've been having trouble getting comfortable and ignoring certain things about my body long enough to relax. Then I hear a click, like the front door is opening.

Someone has the key.

"Elias!" Jennie calls out.

"Who are you?!" a man's voice squawks.

I dash out of bed. I don't even know what I'm thinking. Partly that, as long as this guy doesn't outweigh me by 100 lbs, and doesn't have a gun, I can probably take him down before he knows what's going on.

Facing a random intruder in your apartment in the middle of the night is definitely not a fun time to be female.

As soon as I get to the living room I see a guy with short-ish dark hair and a huge bag over his shoulder standing there frozen near the doorway and Jennie moving toward the bedroom. The fog clears up and I realize I know who this guy is.

"Sorry Medz, I thought you'd be alone," he says.

I'm trying to steady my heartrate and get into "Meadow" mode. "It's after midnight... what the hell are you doing here... Francis?"

So let's back up.

When I went and saw the real Meadow, she noted to me that she had just gotten out of a relationship with a guy named Francis. A couple of years. Heck, they were living together. He was going to come to Maine, actually, but instead he wanted to go to an artist retreat in Austin for like the whole summer, and they had a fight about it and she blocked him. That's how Stella's sister ended up coming. Anyway, Meadow had flagged it to me as something that was probably going to come up, but later, like in August or September when he came back from the retreat and maybe would want to get his stuff from the apartment. She described it as though it was a break-up I would have to navigate.

I didn't expect to see him already, and I definitely didn't expect him to just barge in in the middle of the night.

He explains the "art retreat" was a total scam, and that he bailed after a few weeks, so he figured there would be no problem coming home.

All I can manage to say is "But we're... like... broken up." I mean he was blocked on Meadow's phone!

"Oh, come on Medz, we've had worse fights than that." I guess they weren't really on the same page of this so-called break-up.

He went on. "You wanna kick me out of my own house at almost 1 AM?"

I'm desperately uncomfortable. I'm frozen. The decent part of me doesn't want to turn this guy away but it would be weird and wrong not to. But I can't explain it!

I look over at Jennie, and she's giving me this look like get this guy out of here!

"I... I guess not," I said. "I don't know. I'm really confused. And tired."

"Aw, babe," he says, dropping his bag and crossing the room to come toward me. He's a little taller than me but I feel good about the height difference. I flinch a bit as he tries to kiss me, but our lips did brush together. I've got my arms folded across my ribcage.

"Let's just go to bed, talk in the morning," he says.

"I... I..." I stammer, "Can you sleep on the couch?"

Both Francis and Jennie are like what?

"There's just a lot of... unresolved... whatever-ness... I'll sleep better with J--Stella in the room."

He seemed disappointed, but agreed to it.

With the door to the bedroom closed, Jennie asked "What the hell are you doing?"

"I don't know, I panicked," I said. "It's super late, and this is complicated, and I need to talk to Meadow about this."

"You can't be that guy's girlfriend!" she said. "You're not a girl!"

"Apparently I don't have a choice!" I said.

We rolled over and turned off the lights, sleeping back to back.

In the morning I messaged Meadow for an emergency Facetime. She seemed as exasperated as I was.

"I should break up with him, right?" I asked. "You thought you were broken up anyway."

"Yeah..." she said, seeming regretful about it. "I mean... would it be nice... if... I could have another chance with him when this is all over...? But... I couldn't ask you to..."

"Yeah," I said, "That would be..."

She crinkled her face a bit in frustration. "Just... let him down easy... he needs a chance to get back on his feet, you know."

"I don't know how much time we have for that, but... sure, I'll try."

I went out to talk to him and found him eating a piece of toast.

"Babe," he said, "Aren't you working today? Shouldn't you be in your scrubs?"

"Oh, yeah, I, uh, quit my job."

"What, why?"

"It's a long, long story. After we broke up, I decided to make a fresh start."

"You quit the job you spent years training for?" He squinted at me. "Who are you?"

"I'm... Meadow...!" I sputtered, "I just needed a change, okay?"

"Okay, so, what are you doing for work? How are you paying rent?"

"I... I don't know yet."

"Well, then it's a good thing I came back."

"Francis..."

"My friend Tommy's gonna set me up as a bartender, maybe you can be a waitress or something. We can scrape together enough to afford this place, if the tips are good."

"Francis, no, I need space... our fight...."

"Babe, my name's on the lease, I've got nowhere to go, and you're gonna get kicked out if we don't find some work."

"I... but..."

Without saying 'My name is actually Elias' there really didn't feel like a way to win that argument.

Then he came over and gave me another hug. "Whatever you're going through, we'll get through it. If you don't want to be a nurse anymore, I'm here for you. Okay?"

And God help me, but the way he was looking at me... I never had anybody look at me that way before.

"Okay, yeah," I finally said. "We'll work... something... out."

He hugged me again, then he kissed me, and I kind of reared back so he got my cheek/jaw instead of my lips, and muttered something about not being ready for that.

This all might be a little less fun than I thought it was going to be.

Elias/Meadow: No cheat code, no hacks

I spent the rest of my time in Maine just trying to get used to walking around the world like this. I would have loved to go in the ocean, but after trying on Meadow's bikini, I thought "There is no way I can go out like this." I want to try new things, but let's build up to that, hm?

I did wear the swimsuit as underwear though. I mean, you're in a beach town -- bikini tops are bras for all intents and purposes, and I could cope with that under my clothes, rather than the actual ones I was left. My top layer was just a tank top and jean shorts. Them being like a 1" inseam is about as girly as I was ready to get, showing off these long, long legs.

Charlene/Ja'dejah braided my hair and advised on other things. I skipped putting on makeup because, well, would you? I look fine without it, but I've seen pictures of Meadow all done up and wow. Knowing I could look like that is messing with my head.

So we did the town -- Jennie, Jeff, Charlene and I. Ricky even joined us for dinner, grumbling the whole time but at least showing the best side of himself I've seen. I could tell that I was getting a lot of looks. Coming from being a small guy, I don't tend to shrink myself, so I guess people aren't used to seeing a tall girl clomp around like she's, well, exactly 5'11.

If anyone hit on me, I'm too dumb to notice, but having such a big group was probably a shield.

We had a benefit, in that Meadow, Stella and Darla became locals, a middle-aged couple in their 40s and their high school-aged daughter. I went and saw Meadow at her new place of work and we sat down to lunch.

"I'm so sorry for staring," she said, "I just... I'm not used to it yet, you know? You ever look at a picture of yourself and feel embarrassed because all you see is your flaws? Well, this is the opposite of that. I feel like I'm seeing what other people see when they see me... it's... I mean, I'm gagged."

Is gagged good? I made a note to check later.

She said she could tell I was a guy. My posture, my bearing. I asked her if I should try to be more feminine, and she said she honestly didn't know. "You should be whoever you feel like you are."

She said she wanted to be there for me, but she couldn't run my life for me. I said it was my #1 priority to get things back to normal for her, so I didn't want to screw things up badly. but it was also my mission to taste life, and I was going to try to have fun and not sit in a bedroom and cry. She admitted that sounded fine.

She asked about getting myself back to normal. I said that was also a goal. But privately, I've read a bit of this blog and I'm seeing that sometimes people just will not give you your body back. I'm a 21-year-old guy with no attachments. I think there are a few people who would take that and run, which is scary... and really puts into perspective how much I should have tried to do with my life. (Hey, I was trying, I just got sidetracked into this!)

She said she would send me some job opportunities she thought I could do with her resume. She literally just moved into an apartment and making rent is going to be tricky.

I had to leave for Massachusetts soon after. Jennie and Ricky too, since Stella was there for the same reason as Meadow was, and Darla is her sister who came along for the vacay. That means Jennie also needs to find work, and Ricky... I don't know what he's got to do.

Oh, and then the minute I got in the door of my "new" apartment, I went to the bathroom and discovered a trickle of blood down my leg. Meadow has a supply of tampons, but I'm really not keen to try to get those "in there" so I had to go to the pharmacy and figure out how to navigate the feminine care aisle. I bought the pack with the bunch of different sizes, but so far I've only needed the light ones.

I sure didn't feel "sexy" like that! But hey, that's life for half the population, right? (Or whatever percent gets periods, I'm too tired to do the math.)

Elias: Meadow

Can I tell you a secret?

At first, I kind of thought this is cool.

From the first time I saw my new face in the mirror, with its bright blue eyes, soft chin and round cheeks. Overnight my short dark hair grew long and blonde... and everything else changed! I guess most people would be horrified but I thought it was the coolest thing that had ever happened.

Okay, I'm a girl now. I've touched/looked at this and that and those to confirm, although there isn't much of those to speak of. I mean, I never thought "I want to be a girl" before, but as a boy you do sometimes wonder what it's like, right? And then magically overnight, zap... once in a lifetime opportunity, right? Magic is real, and it did this. Could be fun!

The weirdest part is that I went from being a 5'3 guy to a 5'11 girl. I'm tall and thin, I feel like I'm going to fall over. I feel like Bambi learning to walk, you know? Everything is thrown off. My Garfield High wrestling tee still fits though, and the elastic of my boxers works okay with these hips. (The emptiness in the front is...a little strange to say the least!) 

I sure took it better than Ricky. He threw a big damn fit, basically accusing Jennie of making it happen even though it happened to her too. Once I saw what was going on there, and with Jeff and Charlene -- make that Rakim and Ja'dejah -- I started to get a better sense of what was really happening. Eventually, after Jeff tried to calm him down and Charlene brought Jennie/Stella to her room, Ricky/Darla took off, and didn't return until late. God only knows what he got up to, in a woman's body dressed like a man.

Poor Jennie, Stella's body is twice her age and her figure is a little rounder. To go from a teenager to a 30-year-old is definitely a double-edged sword. Maybe she can get away from Ricky but... I mean, I'm only 21 and I already know it's not easy out there "adulting."

It was around the time we started reading our letters it dawned on me that this isn't exactly a joyride. There are people counting on us to be them.

I've become Meadow Nilssen, 24, of Springfield, Massachusetts. She had come to Maine for a nursing conference. I feel really bad because after she transformed, the first thing she did was quit her job, knowing that she'd be fired for taking extra time away anyway, and because it's not the kind of thing you can just leave to a stranger. (I've taken first aid courses and all but it's not like I could do that work!) I've already reached out to let her know that her life is in good hands and she can ask me anything she likes about who I am and advise me.

I'm trying to put the hard parts out of my mind for now. Tomorrow I'm going to actually put on some of Meadow's clothes and spend a day walking around as her, try to enjoy the rest of my vacation before I have to face "the real world."

I guess that makes me Elias/Meadow from now on to you!