Houston
I wake up at 2 AM. I can feel him breathing on the back of my neck. I remember when we fell asleep, his arm was draped over me but now it's pressed between us. It's hot in our room under the covers. Sweat clings to my body, my chest and between my legs.
Slowly shifting my body weight, I sit up and plant my feet on the floor. Right where they land, my toes catch, tossed carelessly at the bedside, the panties I'd had on earlier. I slip them over my legs and feel the elastic over my hips. Aside from that, I'm naked, folding my arms across my breasts to keep them steady as I stand and step softly across the room, sneaking out the door.
In the main sitting area there's a seat by the window. I open it a crack and stare out at the lights of the Houston cityscape. I pretend it's not too dark and I'm not too high up for someone to look in and see me sitting, curled up, half-naked. The scenery is beautiful. I can't sleep.
I made such a mess of my interview, I don't even want to relive it by explaining how. I came off as cocky, but when asked for more detailed solutions to example situations, I stammered and second-guessed myself. I kept my composure, but when I walked out of the office feeling like breaking down and crying. I felt like a lie for the first time in years, dressed like a smart, confident woman when inside I'm still just a kid.
I comforted myself with Buddy. I dressed in the shortest skirt I have and the lowest-cut top, and made a lasagna for him when he came home. I tried to imagine myself playing house for a while, staying with him in Houston and finding something else to do with my life. I tried to imagine being that in love with someone. Make that sacrifice. I was going to tell him over dinner that I didn't think I'd be getting the job, but instead I said the interview went fine and we'd see.
I took him to the bedroom. I didn't want to talk. I didn't want to sit quietly in front of the TV. I wanted to fuck. If I've got nothing in this life, no career opportunity, nobody I feel I can be honest with, I've at least got a body and I know he likes that. I know he likes me for a lot more than that, but I wasn't interested in talking about seeing the Thor movie.
It was wild, and physical, but brief and ultimately disappointing. After he came, I let him drift off to sleep and quietly began to pleasure myself under the covers. I'm sure in his sleep he heard me moan, but he didn't wake. I've been doing this long enough I know how to make myself come, and I wish he'd learn. He's done it before but it was more like a coincidence, and with a lot of prep time behind it. For a brief instant, as I shudder with orgasm, struggling to keep my legs from shaking and kicking him, I think I should bring him to Maine and let him be a girl for a while. It might be good for him. Fortunately, I know these are just the thoughts of a frustrated, sleepy mind, and I don't think anything of it. I finally fall asleep around 11. Oftentimes at this hour back in Philly, Raine and I are just deciding what to do.
At 2, though, I'm sitting at the window, which is opened a crack, feeling a cool breeze between my breasts. I know, in reality, the answer isn't in Maine. And I don't think it's in Houston anymore either.
By the time I left, all the doubts in my mind had solidified into certainties. Certainty that I didn't belong in Houston, that I didn't belong with Buddy. That whatever I was capable of, I deserved more than a guy who is constantly trying to push me just to go along with him, clinging to me because he doesn't think he can get any better. He deserves someone who wants him a lot more than I do, now.
For the rest of the stay, I was quiet and distant. I couldn't bring myself to pull the trigger, though, to tell him it was over. I don't know how. I was hoping he'd notice, but he'd just keep asking what's wrong and I'd keep telling him "nothing." I feel like I need to prepare, like I need there to be a reason other than "we've grown apart." But whatever happens, it's not going to be fair for him and I know deep down I can't avoid hurting him.
When we said goodbye, I still hadn't heard back from the job. I needed to go back to Philly and go back to my real job, helping businesswomen pick suits that make them look confident and feminine.
Philadelphia
When I landed in Philadelphia, there was a message on my phone saying if I wanted it, the job was mine.
I was so close to accepting. A job is a job and it shouldn't have anything to do with my relationship. My mind kept pushing me back to Houston, saying I could either try to make it work with Buddy, or I could take the job and just end the relationship when it got unbearable.
"Before you say yes, there's something you should know," Alex told me when I met him for lunch the next day. My heart jumped. Maybe I've become such a girl that I expected him to make a big speech saying he was in love with me, despite his complicated past, and knew he was the right one for me and I shouldn't move to Houston for Buddy, I should stay in Philly for him. That he needed me and that he could make me happier.
But that's not what he said. What he said was almost as good. "There's an opening at my company -- the people who paid me to take the course, they need more people. I could recommend you. You'd be a shoe in. It wouldn't be IT, but it would be a real job. You wouldn't have to move or anything."
He knows I have my doubts about Buddy. He supported me in the past but now he's trying to get me to stay. I squirmed in my seat and turned it over in my mind. The choices were clear-cut: Buddy and Houston, or Alex and Philly?
I held the phone in my hand for twenty minutes that night, just trying to dial Buddy's number. Trying to psych myself into it. I could barely breathe as I put the phone to my ear and heard it ringing.
It was voicemail.
With my voice trembling, I told him to call me back, I had to talk to him. It didn't seem right that it would end this way, but it was the only way now.
I had fallen into a nap on my bed when the phone began to vibrate. I saw it was him and answered. "Hey Buddy." Lately I've been calling him that instead of baby or honey or anything.
"Vic, what's up, babe?"
Quietly and without much hesitation, I told him, "I'm not getting the job."
"It's okay, it's okay," he went into his prepared remarks, "We'll find something. You're still coming here, right?"
I took my time answering. "No."
"No? but what about... what will you..."
"Alex told me he could get me a job. I want to stay here, Buddy."
"Alex? Goddamnit, Tori." When I first met Alex I made the mistake of gushing about him to Buddy, and he became (rightly) paranoid. I think this may have been why he kept trying to pull me in to Houston.
At this point, I guess, Buddy realized he was losing it and just let off. He accused me of being a cheater, an unstable, immature, indecisive, man-hungry bitch, and a liar. I just sat there and listened to all these epithets and rants and realized what kind of a person I had been dealing with.
"We're done, Buddy."
"Yeah," he said bitterly. "I guess we are."
Click.
And that was it. I spent the rest of May trying to decide if I was upset about this, or if I was happy it was over, or if I felt anything anymore. I met Alex's boss and got a job basically being the "Tech bitch" at the shipping company where he works.
So that's where I'm at now. Sorry I took so long to tell you, but I went from being too depressed to post to too busy.
I'll tell you more of what's happened as soon as I can. Thanks to Alia and Todd, my "writing coaches" for helping me organize all these thoughts. You're the best.
Love, Victoria Pearce.
Showing posts with label Philadelphia. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Philadelphia. Show all posts
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Friday, December 10, 2010
Tori C: Bedpost Notches
There were a few occasions when I did sleep with Leo -- I mean spend the whole night. They were rare and I always felt like he didn't want me there, like he didn't want someone in his bed with him, which is why I didn't do it often. He never seemed comfortable, like he was just one twitch away from waking up, and he tossed and turned a lot, keeping me up. As a result, those few times we did sleep together didn't feel very... romantic.
The first time I slept with Buddy, it was different. He slept naturally, like we belonged in the bed together. I think when we woke up, we sensed the difference.
We went out to breakfast and he seemed utterly elated by the step forward we'd taken. "Can you believe how much time we wasted?" he said, "All this time we could have... we could have been together! Instead we just wasted more time being lonely and miserable. we should've just gotten over ourselves sooner." I still haven't told him about Leo. I don't sense that he needs to know. He might react badly, whereas if I don't tell him, it's just, well, another pointless thing I don't tell him about myself.
Cutting it off with Leo was one of the loose ends I needed to tie up last month after Buddy and I became more or less official. I had been putting him off for weeks hoping he's get the message, but every few days, I'd get a text, "Hey, you busy?"
Finally, the Thursday after Buddy and I hooked up in New York, he texted me again and I responded, "I think we're done."
The answer back? A few minutes later, a simple "Yeah, guess so. K."
That "K" really bothered me. What was it doing there? Shouldn't he be upset about this? Aren't I hot? Aren't I a decent enough partner? If he was just looking for something casual, was I not as casual as it gets? Maybe too casual since I barely was speaking to him by the end! Ugh, that's what's so frustrating. What a waste of time. Maybe I was telling myself I had to keep going with it because it would hurt both of us to break it off, but apparently not. I'm not hurt at all, but... I was annoyed as hell about it.
But of course I had something to take my mind off it, my next weekend excursion to NYC. Funds are tight, but I'm living a cheap lifestyle so I can afford frequent trips. There was just one thing I hadn't counted on... my parents.
As a 24-year-old girl, they're pretty understanding of my boundaries, and haven't really said anything about my frequent late night trips out to see Leo or to go drinking with Sara and Raine. They're more concerned with Mae, and only police my behavior so far as they want to make sure I don't give Mae the idea it's okay to stay out late, do drugs and have a ton of random sex.
So when they found out I was heading out to New York on the weekends to see my new boyfriend -- and boy does it still sound weird to write that -- their first request was that they meet him.
That wasn't so easily done. His current employer keeps him no retainer so he can't go jaunting out of the city on a whim. He had time off for Thanksgiving, but since we go see family, it'd be such a busy day that it wouldn't be easy to arrange some kind of dinner with the family that involved him. Dad suggested we invite him over for Thanksgiving Dinner at his brother's place, but it was just too damn much pressure for a relationship that's not a month old yet. Besides, I was sure he had plans of his own.
Nope, as it turned out... he has his sister in Philly, which is how he ended up there, but most of his family lives out west anyway, but he agreed to go along with my explanation. In the end we compromised and he agreed to come over to meet the family after dinner.
So after I got to New York, and right as I'm getting into Buddy's hotel room, I feel my purse buzz. I didn't want to answer it, but he insisted I did. I had a sinking feeling in my gut that it was Leo asking me to take him back.
It wasn't. It was Ken, saying "YO VIC! Heard you're in NYC. Why no call?"
Agh! My big brother, the only family member it feels like I can relate to. I hadn't even thought about the fact that he lives in the city with his wife. That wasn't exactly why I'd come all this way. so I discreetly responded, "Getting laid." That's the kind of relationship I have with him.
A moment later, the purse buzzed again. "K, when you're done, let's all go for coffee. Not taking no for an answer."
Buddy laughed, "Your brother's a special guy."
I blushed, "It's... not easy getting away from him. And I do owe him, since I tend to disappear from his life. Would you mind?"
"Nah, it'll be a nice preview for when I finally do meet your family."
So we ended up getting food and drinks with Jana and Ken. Jana was quiet as a mouse, looking like she'd been forcibly removed from her apartment, while Ken interrogated Buddy about how we'd met and how long we'd been together. Buddy looked a bit uncomfortable, but he and Ken eventually found some common ground.
We said goodbye around 11 and headed back to the hotel. After an hour or so of messing around, we were lying there relaxing and he noted, "Your brother calls you Vic."
"Uh, yeah. It's short for Victoria."
"Is that what you like to be called? I've been calling you Tori this whole time..."
"Dude," I assured him, "Don't worry about it. To my family, I'm Vic, but to friends I'm Tori." I don't know why this is, but I didn't say so. "It's just a name."
"Heh, I guess you're right. As long as your name's not really John or something, I think we're good."
Heh, yeah... about that...
Thanksgiving was the usual awkwardness of affair. While Jana joined my mom and aunts in the domestic circle, I stayed with "the kids." There are a couple younguns who like video games, and one who's hit puberty since last year and didn't want anything to do with us. Mae observed, "I remember when that was me."
"That's still you."
"Yeah, but now I at least pretend instead of hiding."
Bored, I picked up a Wii controller to join the game of New Super Mario Bros. Before I knew it, Ken had joined in as one of the Toads. I made some stupid out-of-character comment about how this brought me back to my childhood, and he replied by asking "Since when did you ever play Nintendo?"
I almost had to smash the controller into the TV. It seems stupid, but months of comfort have done a lot to make me forget I ever WASN'T Tori, so when I'm reminded of the difference between Cliff and Tori, it can be very, very frustrating. Add to this the fact that I still haven't gotten the hang of my extended family and the awkwardness expands tenfold.
After dinner, Ken asked me what was up. Suddenly I was playing video games and dating, in his words, "Kind of a geek." I asked what was wrong with any of that, and he said nothing, it was just unusual.
"I'm making changes, Ken," I said, pretending for once that any of this was my choice. "I'm trying to be different from what I was."
"Well don't change too much," he said with a hopeful smile, trying to indicate he didn't mean to accuse me of anything. "We like you plenty for who you are."
I smiled back, "It's too late, Ken. I'm already different. But it's okay. You like me no matter what, don't you?"
"Of course. And as long as you like this new guy... I'm glad you're with him."
Buddy did stop by later that night, but as predicted, the parents were tired and went off to bed after about a half hour of chitchat. That left the two of us alone, for all intents and purposes. Buddy was curious to see my room, and I was... reluctant to let him. But I couldn't say no.
So I brought him up to my supremely-unsexy room. After all this time it's still largely-unpacked boxes, a few personal items, and some piles of clothes here and there.
"This," he chuckled, "Is not a girl's room." There he goes again.
"Then what are all these bras doing around?"
"You're a ladies' man. You collect them," he said.
"Oh yeah," I smiled, playing along, trying to turn it into sexy-talk, "You're just another notch in my bedpost aren't you?" I pulled him close and stuck my hand down his pants. Rock hard. For all his "guy"-talk, he knows I'm all woman. We started to mess around.
He pushed me back on my bed and I undressed as we made out. We did it on my very cushy but very small bed, and spent the night cuddled closer than before. The heat's not great in my room, so I had to re-dress before bed.
It was considerably more awkward than doing it in his hotel room. Especially since he had to get out the next morning without dad seeing him. He didn't succeed but let the guy go without commentary.
Me, however... I got a box of condoms thrown at me. Thanks, pop, for being so supportive.
The first time I slept with Buddy, it was different. He slept naturally, like we belonged in the bed together. I think when we woke up, we sensed the difference.
We went out to breakfast and he seemed utterly elated by the step forward we'd taken. "Can you believe how much time we wasted?" he said, "All this time we could have... we could have been together! Instead we just wasted more time being lonely and miserable. we should've just gotten over ourselves sooner." I still haven't told him about Leo. I don't sense that he needs to know. He might react badly, whereas if I don't tell him, it's just, well, another pointless thing I don't tell him about myself.
Cutting it off with Leo was one of the loose ends I needed to tie up last month after Buddy and I became more or less official. I had been putting him off for weeks hoping he's get the message, but every few days, I'd get a text, "Hey, you busy?"
Finally, the Thursday after Buddy and I hooked up in New York, he texted me again and I responded, "I think we're done."
The answer back? A few minutes later, a simple "Yeah, guess so. K."
That "K" really bothered me. What was it doing there? Shouldn't he be upset about this? Aren't I hot? Aren't I a decent enough partner? If he was just looking for something casual, was I not as casual as it gets? Maybe too casual since I barely was speaking to him by the end! Ugh, that's what's so frustrating. What a waste of time. Maybe I was telling myself I had to keep going with it because it would hurt both of us to break it off, but apparently not. I'm not hurt at all, but... I was annoyed as hell about it.
But of course I had something to take my mind off it, my next weekend excursion to NYC. Funds are tight, but I'm living a cheap lifestyle so I can afford frequent trips. There was just one thing I hadn't counted on... my parents.
As a 24-year-old girl, they're pretty understanding of my boundaries, and haven't really said anything about my frequent late night trips out to see Leo or to go drinking with Sara and Raine. They're more concerned with Mae, and only police my behavior so far as they want to make sure I don't give Mae the idea it's okay to stay out late, do drugs and have a ton of random sex.
So when they found out I was heading out to New York on the weekends to see my new boyfriend -- and boy does it still sound weird to write that -- their first request was that they meet him.
That wasn't so easily done. His current employer keeps him no retainer so he can't go jaunting out of the city on a whim. He had time off for Thanksgiving, but since we go see family, it'd be such a busy day that it wouldn't be easy to arrange some kind of dinner with the family that involved him. Dad suggested we invite him over for Thanksgiving Dinner at his brother's place, but it was just too damn much pressure for a relationship that's not a month old yet. Besides, I was sure he had plans of his own.
Nope, as it turned out... he has his sister in Philly, which is how he ended up there, but most of his family lives out west anyway, but he agreed to go along with my explanation. In the end we compromised and he agreed to come over to meet the family after dinner.
So after I got to New York, and right as I'm getting into Buddy's hotel room, I feel my purse buzz. I didn't want to answer it, but he insisted I did. I had a sinking feeling in my gut that it was Leo asking me to take him back.
It wasn't. It was Ken, saying "YO VIC! Heard you're in NYC. Why no call?"
Agh! My big brother, the only family member it feels like I can relate to. I hadn't even thought about the fact that he lives in the city with his wife. That wasn't exactly why I'd come all this way. so I discreetly responded, "Getting laid." That's the kind of relationship I have with him.
A moment later, the purse buzzed again. "K, when you're done, let's all go for coffee. Not taking no for an answer."
Buddy laughed, "Your brother's a special guy."
I blushed, "It's... not easy getting away from him. And I do owe him, since I tend to disappear from his life. Would you mind?"
"Nah, it'll be a nice preview for when I finally do meet your family."
So we ended up getting food and drinks with Jana and Ken. Jana was quiet as a mouse, looking like she'd been forcibly removed from her apartment, while Ken interrogated Buddy about how we'd met and how long we'd been together. Buddy looked a bit uncomfortable, but he and Ken eventually found some common ground.
We said goodbye around 11 and headed back to the hotel. After an hour or so of messing around, we were lying there relaxing and he noted, "Your brother calls you Vic."
"Uh, yeah. It's short for Victoria."
"Is that what you like to be called? I've been calling you Tori this whole time..."
"Dude," I assured him, "Don't worry about it. To my family, I'm Vic, but to friends I'm Tori." I don't know why this is, but I didn't say so. "It's just a name."
"Heh, I guess you're right. As long as your name's not really John or something, I think we're good."
Heh, yeah... about that...
Thanksgiving was the usual awkwardness of affair. While Jana joined my mom and aunts in the domestic circle, I stayed with "the kids." There are a couple younguns who like video games, and one who's hit puberty since last year and didn't want anything to do with us. Mae observed, "I remember when that was me."
"That's still you."
"Yeah, but now I at least pretend instead of hiding."
Bored, I picked up a Wii controller to join the game of New Super Mario Bros. Before I knew it, Ken had joined in as one of the Toads. I made some stupid out-of-character comment about how this brought me back to my childhood, and he replied by asking "Since when did you ever play Nintendo?"
I almost had to smash the controller into the TV. It seems stupid, but months of comfort have done a lot to make me forget I ever WASN'T Tori, so when I'm reminded of the difference between Cliff and Tori, it can be very, very frustrating. Add to this the fact that I still haven't gotten the hang of my extended family and the awkwardness expands tenfold.
After dinner, Ken asked me what was up. Suddenly I was playing video games and dating, in his words, "Kind of a geek." I asked what was wrong with any of that, and he said nothing, it was just unusual.
"I'm making changes, Ken," I said, pretending for once that any of this was my choice. "I'm trying to be different from what I was."
"Well don't change too much," he said with a hopeful smile, trying to indicate he didn't mean to accuse me of anything. "We like you plenty for who you are."
I smiled back, "It's too late, Ken. I'm already different. But it's okay. You like me no matter what, don't you?"
"Of course. And as long as you like this new guy... I'm glad you're with him."
Buddy did stop by later that night, but as predicted, the parents were tired and went off to bed after about a half hour of chitchat. That left the two of us alone, for all intents and purposes. Buddy was curious to see my room, and I was... reluctant to let him. But I couldn't say no.
So I brought him up to my supremely-unsexy room. After all this time it's still largely-unpacked boxes, a few personal items, and some piles of clothes here and there.
"This," he chuckled, "Is not a girl's room." There he goes again.
"Then what are all these bras doing around?"
"You're a ladies' man. You collect them," he said.
"Oh yeah," I smiled, playing along, trying to turn it into sexy-talk, "You're just another notch in my bedpost aren't you?" I pulled him close and stuck my hand down his pants. Rock hard. For all his "guy"-talk, he knows I'm all woman. We started to mess around.
He pushed me back on my bed and I undressed as we made out. We did it on my very cushy but very small bed, and spent the night cuddled closer than before. The heat's not great in my room, so I had to re-dress before bed.
It was considerably more awkward than doing it in his hotel room. Especially since he had to get out the next morning without dad seeing him. He didn't succeed but let the guy go without commentary.
Me, however... I got a box of condoms thrown at me. Thanks, pop, for being so supportive.
Monday, July 27, 2009
Todd: The City of Brotherly Love, so to speak.
I'm guessing new-Kalli and new-Julia were at the Inn with Greg down there. I have yet to hear from them, or Anne-Marie on the subject of them. Despite having returned to my body, and being eager to get on with my life as best I can, I feel a responsibility to help those who have been transformed. So if there's anything any of the new folks need, feel free to seek me out. In the meantime, though, Bry and I took flight. first stop NYC, then Philly.
I had wanted to go visit Darren/Jaime, but hadn't thought to bring her contact information, and wasn't in the mood to go on a (wo)manhunt. The fact that I couldn't reach her was a bit of a relief. As much as I wanted to check in and see how she was, our last meeting was not exactly the easiest thing for either of us. I was kind of a dick to her and I wanted to apologize, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized my presence might just upset her more. Last time I checked, she was slowly growing more comfortable with being a woman and starting to get on with her life, but I think some of what I said rattled her a little bit. If she's made more progress, seeing me and Bry as the guys we are might just undo it. Maybe what she needs is to move past the Inn and the blog and everything, like Ginessa.
So it wasn't much of a stay in New York and we headed out to Philadelphia, a city we stopped in briefly last year before we ever transformed. It was the last place I ever had sex with a woman, after a concert by the Bloody Knuckles, the guilt of which inspired me to reconcile with Alia, and then go to Maine. It seems like a lifetime ago, but it was just over a year.
Friday night we arrived at Alia's, or rather Rob Garcia's place. It was a small ground-level apartment. Pretty cramped, but neat and tidy -- after picking up after the likes of me for a few years, Alia can clean for anyone. Actually, that's something we fought about, but in the future will very doubtfully be an issue.
We were too tired to do anything that first night, other than have a couple drinks and catch up on old times. I tried very hard to get over the awkwardness of seeing the girl I've known and loved so long sitting in the body of this 200-pound almost middle-aged (about the same age as Anne-Marie, maybe a bit younger) guy. She vented a little bit about how irritated she'd been, back when she was herself and she thought I was totally ignoring her. I repeatedly said it was all in the past - not even my past - but she said it was during that time she realized how important I was to her, because of how frustrated she got with my absence.
I sighed, "Now look at us. I feel like an idiot for following you to Maine. god, if I'd trusted you, or the person who said he was you..."
"Well," I sighed, "What's done is done, that's what I say. I mean, look. Not three months, ago, I had a vagina."
"Me too," Bryan piped in.
Alia laughed, "God, guys. I still can't imagine it. you, Todd, are the biggest gynophobe I ever met."
"Is that a word?"
"It is now. you never wanted to know about my periods or birth control or anything."
"That's typical!" I defended myself.
"You didn't even like looking at my pussy. I remember you used to clamp your eyes closed."
"Too much information!" Bryan covered his ears. I was embarrassed.
"I'm just saying, Todd, I would've loved to see the look on your face the first time you got your monthly. or the first time you had sex. You had sex with a dude! I still can't believe that!"
"I used to do this trick," I explained, "It's like, double-consciousness. I would imagine that I was Hal - Anne-Marie's husband - and you were Anne-Marie."
"That doesn't make sense."
"it was a psychological thing, to like, deal with the pleasure. I imagined the times we fucked, and substituted whatever pleasure I felt for pleasure I imagined I'd given you."
"Gee, that's real romantic, thanks stud," she said sarcastically. "How'd that work for you?"
"Surprisingly well. I had a couple badass orgasms, I tell you."
Alia glanced over at Bryan, who was just shaking his head. "Don't look at me, I stayed celibate the whole time out of respect for Ellie's purity. Believe me, I could've gotten to third with Leanne, probably after only a few weeks."
"Somehow, I'm skeptical." I shook my head.
"Well, okay. I mean, whatever I did with myself, that's my own business. I sure as hell won't tell you guys, because I know you'll just write it on the blog, and I think that might be illegal since I was 14 friggin' years old."
"True enough. I hope you did restrain yourself."
"Damn right I did."
Alia turned back to me, "So Todd, are you, like, worried about any lingering effects?"
"What do you mean, like I'll want to wear a bra around the house or something?"
"No," she laughed half-drunkenly at her own awkward question, "I mean, like, after having sex with Hal all those times. What if you don't like having sex with girls anymore?"
"Are you kidding me?! If anything I'll like it more now that I know how to be good at it. I don't wanna be anywhere near anyone else's dick, no offense sweetie."
"None taken."
"Of course, if you get back to Toronto next year and decide you dig girls, well, we'll deal with that when it happens."
"Uh huh. Sure. Don't count on it, buddy."
Around 1 AM, we started to get sleepy. There was a lot of awkwardness about sleeping arrangements. I could sense Alia trying to accommodate the 'whole she's a guy, I'm a guy, we're not really together' thing, but in the end I just cut the crap and said "Look, Alia, you know I love you, and we're both mature people here. I'm capable of sleeping in bed with you and not fixating on sex."
"I dunno," she said, leading me back to her room, "Can I trust you not to just whip it out? You've pulled that trick once or twice."
"Like I said," I told her, "I'm done with other guys' dicks. No offense."
She extended her hand - her big ole man-hand. "Friends?"
"Friends."
So we slept, fully clothed, in Rob's bed. And that's all that happened, pervs. Although, when I woke up, I guess we had started spooning at some point during the night, because my arm was trapped under her. Awkward.
Saturday, we invited Cliff to hang out with us as we went for lunch, movie, dinner, drinks. We were sitting on a patio, and she came up wearing short shorts and a camisole with a bag slung over her shoulder, the strap crossing between her boobs. From her last post, I'd expected her to arrive wearing baggy trousers and a large overcoat, but I guess she's turning toward the "girl clothes" thing by degrees, which is good.
I mean, I take it from my own experience - it's a constant tug of war, yes, between the way the world sees you and the way you want to see yourself. But you're not doing yourself any favours if you don't make the compromise, because there's not a whole lot you can do about the way your body looks. Unless you've got the time, energy and money to track down a whole wardrobe of more gender-neutral stuff, it's best to work with what you've been given. Anne-Marie had that kind of time and money, but I didn't feel it was mine to spend. Cliff clearly doesn't, until she finally gets herself a job she's living off savings.
Because the truth is, whether you're wearing jeans or a skirt, you still haven't got a penis, so nobody's going to look at you the way you want them to. I hated it, believe me, and it took months before I was secure enough with myself to put it out of mind. I don't expect Cliff to reach that conclusion any faster.
She's a nice person, but the change has really put her into an awkward frame of mind. She seemed shy, out of her element, awkward. Rigid. Not that I blame her. I felt my own personality being suppressed for months after the change and I hated it. I wanted to reassure her, tell her everything was going to be okay, but if someone had told me in September how I'd feel about womanhood in April, I wouldn't have wanted to hear it. So I just let her be.
I've called Cliff "her" and yet also called Alia "her." I was hanging out with this guy, Alia-in-Rob's-body all weekend but in the abstract I still think of her as a girl. I think it may just be because I know Alia so well, and see her personality emerging from behind Rob's face, whereas not only did I never really know Cliff, I didn't sense "him" letting "his" personality out much, so to me, Cliff is this shy girl, and Alia, despite her appearance, is still the girl I always knew, which is in a way quite reassuring.
So there's that. Bry told me later he was fighting off the urge to hit on Cliff the entire time. Nice.
We hit the road again Sunday but have yet to reach Toronto. We stopped off in Niagara Falls for the night/day. As soon as we were over the border, Bry kissed the ground.
Welcome home.
We'll be having dinner here, and then head home in time to go to bed tonight in our own beds. That's going to be weird. But in an awesome way.
We're only a few kilometers away from putting this entire experience behind us. And, I guess, our lives will be beginning again at last.
I'll get back to you soon as something happens
-Todd
I had wanted to go visit Darren/Jaime, but hadn't thought to bring her contact information, and wasn't in the mood to go on a (wo)manhunt. The fact that I couldn't reach her was a bit of a relief. As much as I wanted to check in and see how she was, our last meeting was not exactly the easiest thing for either of us. I was kind of a dick to her and I wanted to apologize, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized my presence might just upset her more. Last time I checked, she was slowly growing more comfortable with being a woman and starting to get on with her life, but I think some of what I said rattled her a little bit. If she's made more progress, seeing me and Bry as the guys we are might just undo it. Maybe what she needs is to move past the Inn and the blog and everything, like Ginessa.
So it wasn't much of a stay in New York and we headed out to Philadelphia, a city we stopped in briefly last year before we ever transformed. It was the last place I ever had sex with a woman, after a concert by the Bloody Knuckles, the guilt of which inspired me to reconcile with Alia, and then go to Maine. It seems like a lifetime ago, but it was just over a year.
Friday night we arrived at Alia's, or rather Rob Garcia's place. It was a small ground-level apartment. Pretty cramped, but neat and tidy -- after picking up after the likes of me for a few years, Alia can clean for anyone. Actually, that's something we fought about, but in the future will very doubtfully be an issue.
We were too tired to do anything that first night, other than have a couple drinks and catch up on old times. I tried very hard to get over the awkwardness of seeing the girl I've known and loved so long sitting in the body of this 200-pound almost middle-aged (about the same age as Anne-Marie, maybe a bit younger) guy. She vented a little bit about how irritated she'd been, back when she was herself and she thought I was totally ignoring her. I repeatedly said it was all in the past - not even my past - but she said it was during that time she realized how important I was to her, because of how frustrated she got with my absence.
I sighed, "Now look at us. I feel like an idiot for following you to Maine. god, if I'd trusted you, or the person who said he was you..."
"Well," I sighed, "What's done is done, that's what I say. I mean, look. Not three months, ago, I had a vagina."
"Me too," Bryan piped in.
Alia laughed, "God, guys. I still can't imagine it. you, Todd, are the biggest gynophobe I ever met."
"Is that a word?"
"It is now. you never wanted to know about my periods or birth control or anything."
"That's typical!" I defended myself.
"You didn't even like looking at my pussy. I remember you used to clamp your eyes closed."
"Too much information!" Bryan covered his ears. I was embarrassed.
"I'm just saying, Todd, I would've loved to see the look on your face the first time you got your monthly. or the first time you had sex. You had sex with a dude! I still can't believe that!"
"I used to do this trick," I explained, "It's like, double-consciousness. I would imagine that I was Hal - Anne-Marie's husband - and you were Anne-Marie."
"That doesn't make sense."
"it was a psychological thing, to like, deal with the pleasure. I imagined the times we fucked, and substituted whatever pleasure I felt for pleasure I imagined I'd given you."
"Gee, that's real romantic, thanks stud," she said sarcastically. "How'd that work for you?"
"Surprisingly well. I had a couple badass orgasms, I tell you."
Alia glanced over at Bryan, who was just shaking his head. "Don't look at me, I stayed celibate the whole time out of respect for Ellie's purity. Believe me, I could've gotten to third with Leanne, probably after only a few weeks."
"Somehow, I'm skeptical." I shook my head.
"Well, okay. I mean, whatever I did with myself, that's my own business. I sure as hell won't tell you guys, because I know you'll just write it on the blog, and I think that might be illegal since I was 14 friggin' years old."
"True enough. I hope you did restrain yourself."
"Damn right I did."
Alia turned back to me, "So Todd, are you, like, worried about any lingering effects?"
"What do you mean, like I'll want to wear a bra around the house or something?"
"No," she laughed half-drunkenly at her own awkward question, "I mean, like, after having sex with Hal all those times. What if you don't like having sex with girls anymore?"
"Are you kidding me?! If anything I'll like it more now that I know how to be good at it. I don't wanna be anywhere near anyone else's dick, no offense sweetie."
"None taken."
"Of course, if you get back to Toronto next year and decide you dig girls, well, we'll deal with that when it happens."
"Uh huh. Sure. Don't count on it, buddy."
Around 1 AM, we started to get sleepy. There was a lot of awkwardness about sleeping arrangements. I could sense Alia trying to accommodate the 'whole she's a guy, I'm a guy, we're not really together' thing, but in the end I just cut the crap and said "Look, Alia, you know I love you, and we're both mature people here. I'm capable of sleeping in bed with you and not fixating on sex."
"I dunno," she said, leading me back to her room, "Can I trust you not to just whip it out? You've pulled that trick once or twice."
"Like I said," I told her, "I'm done with other guys' dicks. No offense."
She extended her hand - her big ole man-hand. "Friends?"
"Friends."
So we slept, fully clothed, in Rob's bed. And that's all that happened, pervs. Although, when I woke up, I guess we had started spooning at some point during the night, because my arm was trapped under her. Awkward.
Saturday, we invited Cliff to hang out with us as we went for lunch, movie, dinner, drinks. We were sitting on a patio, and she came up wearing short shorts and a camisole with a bag slung over her shoulder, the strap crossing between her boobs. From her last post, I'd expected her to arrive wearing baggy trousers and a large overcoat, but I guess she's turning toward the "girl clothes" thing by degrees, which is good.
I mean, I take it from my own experience - it's a constant tug of war, yes, between the way the world sees you and the way you want to see yourself. But you're not doing yourself any favours if you don't make the compromise, because there's not a whole lot you can do about the way your body looks. Unless you've got the time, energy and money to track down a whole wardrobe of more gender-neutral stuff, it's best to work with what you've been given. Anne-Marie had that kind of time and money, but I didn't feel it was mine to spend. Cliff clearly doesn't, until she finally gets herself a job she's living off savings.
Because the truth is, whether you're wearing jeans or a skirt, you still haven't got a penis, so nobody's going to look at you the way you want them to. I hated it, believe me, and it took months before I was secure enough with myself to put it out of mind. I don't expect Cliff to reach that conclusion any faster.
She's a nice person, but the change has really put her into an awkward frame of mind. She seemed shy, out of her element, awkward. Rigid. Not that I blame her. I felt my own personality being suppressed for months after the change and I hated it. I wanted to reassure her, tell her everything was going to be okay, but if someone had told me in September how I'd feel about womanhood in April, I wouldn't have wanted to hear it. So I just let her be.
I've called Cliff "her" and yet also called Alia "her." I was hanging out with this guy, Alia-in-Rob's-body all weekend but in the abstract I still think of her as a girl. I think it may just be because I know Alia so well, and see her personality emerging from behind Rob's face, whereas not only did I never really know Cliff, I didn't sense "him" letting "his" personality out much, so to me, Cliff is this shy girl, and Alia, despite her appearance, is still the girl I always knew, which is in a way quite reassuring.
So there's that. Bry told me later he was fighting off the urge to hit on Cliff the entire time. Nice.
We hit the road again Sunday but have yet to reach Toronto. We stopped off in Niagara Falls for the night/day. As soon as we were over the border, Bry kissed the ground.
Welcome home.
We'll be having dinner here, and then head home in time to go to bed tonight in our own beds. That's going to be weird. But in an awesome way.
We're only a few kilometers away from putting this entire experience behind us. And, I guess, our lives will be beginning again at last.
I'll get back to you soon as something happens
-Todd
Monday, July 20, 2009
Cliff/Tori: Back off, world
Damnit will you people please stop talking about sex??
Look, I don't know how the rest of you are coping, but I want that idea as far away from me as I can get. I don't even like going out in form-fitting clothes because I know guys are looking at me, it's embarrassing and annoying and a lot of other things.
But look if I'm going to be telling you all my entire life story while I'm here there's something I guess you should know about me. I guess it's the reason why all this stuff has made me so comfortable.
I'm a virgin. Or I was a virgin? As Cliff, I'm a virgin and I guess I still am, but I'm assuming Tori has gone all the way. But that doesn't really count for me. So before the transformation I was a 27-year-old virgin male.
It wasn't by choice, believe me. The first girl I ever "dated" was long distance, from age 16-17, nearly 2 years, and then we broke it off when I found out she wasn't really serious about it. It hurt. A couple years later, when I was in college, I met a girl. She had a fairly religious upbringing and wanted to save herself, and I respected that. I dated her for four and a half years and we never did anything serious. I never felt bad about it until she broke up with me, and I haven't seen anyone seriously since then. Three years. Nothing.
The first naked girl I ever saw in person was my own self in a mirror. How do you think that made me feel, huh?
I mean, listen. I don't obsess about it. I do try to meet girls and it's just never worked out, but with all that has happened... my penis taken away from me before I ever got a chance to use it... like I wasted 27 years of maleness just to be re-assigned to a new life where it's not even an option. Sex? No thank you. I'll just go be a priest or a nun or something.
Right now I'm just sitting on my butt waiting to hear back from some of those jobs I've applied to. Some of them are pretty crappy but I need to get out of this house. Mostly I'm either on the internet reading this blog, or trying to make sense of Tori's social life through Facebook, or sitting on the porch reading.
While "mom" and "dad" are out of the house, and Mae (Leah Mae, to be exact) is usually off with her friends, I'm trying to be a nice person and keep busy by keeping the place tidy and doing other chores... although I have to wait until somebody asks because I feel awkward about taking the liberty like that.
So it's not like I've got a lot else to think about. I spent a long time trying to convince myself that sex isn't the most important thing in the world. The idea never really took hold.
Ughhh I need a job!
Look, I don't know how the rest of you are coping, but I want that idea as far away from me as I can get. I don't even like going out in form-fitting clothes because I know guys are looking at me, it's embarrassing and annoying and a lot of other things.
But look if I'm going to be telling you all my entire life story while I'm here there's something I guess you should know about me. I guess it's the reason why all this stuff has made me so comfortable.
I'm a virgin. Or I was a virgin? As Cliff, I'm a virgin and I guess I still am, but I'm assuming Tori has gone all the way. But that doesn't really count for me. So before the transformation I was a 27-year-old virgin male.
It wasn't by choice, believe me. The first girl I ever "dated" was long distance, from age 16-17, nearly 2 years, and then we broke it off when I found out she wasn't really serious about it. It hurt. A couple years later, when I was in college, I met a girl. She had a fairly religious upbringing and wanted to save herself, and I respected that. I dated her for four and a half years and we never did anything serious. I never felt bad about it until she broke up with me, and I haven't seen anyone seriously since then. Three years. Nothing.
The first naked girl I ever saw in person was my own self in a mirror. How do you think that made me feel, huh?
I mean, listen. I don't obsess about it. I do try to meet girls and it's just never worked out, but with all that has happened... my penis taken away from me before I ever got a chance to use it... like I wasted 27 years of maleness just to be re-assigned to a new life where it's not even an option. Sex? No thank you. I'll just go be a priest or a nun or something.
Right now I'm just sitting on my butt waiting to hear back from some of those jobs I've applied to. Some of them are pretty crappy but I need to get out of this house. Mostly I'm either on the internet reading this blog, or trying to make sense of Tori's social life through Facebook, or sitting on the porch reading.
While "mom" and "dad" are out of the house, and Mae (Leah Mae, to be exact) is usually off with her friends, I'm trying to be a nice person and keep busy by keeping the place tidy and doing other chores... although I have to wait until somebody asks because I feel awkward about taking the liberty like that.
So it's not like I've got a lot else to think about. I spent a long time trying to convince myself that sex isn't the most important thing in the world. The idea never really took hold.
Ughhh I need a job!
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Alia/Rob: The Walking Tour of Philadelphia and Rob Garcia's Life
Philly looks considerably different from what I've seen of it in Rocky and the opening of Fresh Prince. It's a pretty nice city, although not without its slums. I don't begrudge a city its slums. I hate what they represent... I tend to fear the people who live there... but I don't think they ruin cities. Maybe because I grew up in a Toronto suburb that is renowned for its wealth, I have a bit of detachment from the subject. I just think the visual is... appealing, on a certain level. They add character to a city brimming with life.
It's a nice town. Lots of character. A ton of history, obviously. I've spent a lot of this week just kind of floating around, looking like a tourist, trying not to get lost, observing the city. Taking it all in. My temporary home. Probably a lot more impressive than the bland suburban hell Todd described me. He'd never lived in suburbia before.
Naturally I can't compare this city favorably to Toronto. I love that city. I think it's a bit underrated by the world, although maybe somewhat overrated by some of its citizens. I'm not much of a hockey fan but it'll feel very familiar when the season starts up again. Actually, it won't, because Penguin fans are a lot more accustomed to winning than Leafs fans (although they always seem so disappointed. There's nothing like Canadians, I tell you.)
This is going to sound stupid, but I've been making a conscious effort to de-feminize. I don't want to say I'm "embracing" manhood (or at least, stereotypical maleness) at this point as much as being realistic. The transformation didn't immediately alter the way I walk or talk or think. I feel self-conscious behaving like a girl in this thick, hairy body. So I want to act the part a little bit. Be a bit of a slouch. Take big manly steps. Keep my hands in my pockets. Hah! Pockets. Not that I didn't own anything with pockets but my God these pants are roomy. And I can understand why.
I'm swinging some lumber here. Ladies... (jk.)
In seriousness though, the walking around has gotten me a bit acclimated not only to Philadelphia, but being seen in public as Rob. I keep trying to refrain from looking at females too long because they'll probably think I'm checking them out, but I haven't managed to let my reflexes catch up with me in that way just yet. Nobody thinks much of a girl casting glances another girl's way, if she's pretty or well-dressed, but looking like I do, it's creepy and I know it.
I keep trying to get Cliff out, but she's still really bummed. And I understand, to some degree - hey, man, we're all going through some really weird stuff right now - but it's only practical. She's acknowledged she can't hide in her room for a whole year.
Oh yeah, guys, shaving still annoys me. Plus, make one little crack and suddenly people go "Hey what's the big deal?" I've read enough of this blog to see ex-boys complain plenty about stuff I dealt with every day of my life without much of a thought. (Boys feel bad about waking up one morning with boobs? Try waiting for them to slowly, painfully grow in. Moving on.) I don't mean to be a bitch, but can I at least have this one complaint? It's still weird for me, so far.
Anyway, I'm getting all of this exploration out of the way, because my freedom is on a timer. In September I'll have to go do Rob's job, which feels like one of the surprisingly daunting side-effects of this transformation. Doing somebody else's job. It feels like the set-up for a bad reality show. Cliff? Luckily unemployed, albeit underqualified for stuff. Todd, as Anne-Marie was a housewfie, which is a different kind of job. Bry? Got to go to school all day! Me? I've gotta be the teacher. Figures. I always was the responsible one out of us three. (No offense, guys, but you know you would agree.)
Teacher. Surprisingly - and luckily - I'm not teaching Spanish. The Mexican guy is actually allowed to teach other subjects. Rob is teaching English and History. History, particularly American history, I'm not so good at. English? I was an English major. I have my BA in it and I was in the middle of post-grad studies. I've TA'd a few times, I know how to run a class... sort of. Okay sure, the situation is quite different but the idea is the same... right?
Well damn, this isn't the place for self-doubt. I can do this. I've got to.
Well, hopefully I'll believe in myself by the time I have to start inspiring young minds.
-Alia
It's a nice town. Lots of character. A ton of history, obviously. I've spent a lot of this week just kind of floating around, looking like a tourist, trying not to get lost, observing the city. Taking it all in. My temporary home. Probably a lot more impressive than the bland suburban hell Todd described me. He'd never lived in suburbia before.
Naturally I can't compare this city favorably to Toronto. I love that city. I think it's a bit underrated by the world, although maybe somewhat overrated by some of its citizens. I'm not much of a hockey fan but it'll feel very familiar when the season starts up again. Actually, it won't, because Penguin fans are a lot more accustomed to winning than Leafs fans (although they always seem so disappointed. There's nothing like Canadians, I tell you.)
This is going to sound stupid, but I've been making a conscious effort to de-feminize. I don't want to say I'm "embracing" manhood (or at least, stereotypical maleness) at this point as much as being realistic. The transformation didn't immediately alter the way I walk or talk or think. I feel self-conscious behaving like a girl in this thick, hairy body. So I want to act the part a little bit. Be a bit of a slouch. Take big manly steps. Keep my hands in my pockets. Hah! Pockets. Not that I didn't own anything with pockets but my God these pants are roomy. And I can understand why.
I'm swinging some lumber here. Ladies... (jk.)
In seriousness though, the walking around has gotten me a bit acclimated not only to Philadelphia, but being seen in public as Rob. I keep trying to refrain from looking at females too long because they'll probably think I'm checking them out, but I haven't managed to let my reflexes catch up with me in that way just yet. Nobody thinks much of a girl casting glances another girl's way, if she's pretty or well-dressed, but looking like I do, it's creepy and I know it.
I keep trying to get Cliff out, but she's still really bummed. And I understand, to some degree - hey, man, we're all going through some really weird stuff right now - but it's only practical. She's acknowledged she can't hide in her room for a whole year.
Oh yeah, guys, shaving still annoys me. Plus, make one little crack and suddenly people go "Hey what's the big deal?" I've read enough of this blog to see ex-boys complain plenty about stuff I dealt with every day of my life without much of a thought. (Boys feel bad about waking up one morning with boobs? Try waiting for them to slowly, painfully grow in. Moving on.) I don't mean to be a bitch, but can I at least have this one complaint? It's still weird for me, so far.
Anyway, I'm getting all of this exploration out of the way, because my freedom is on a timer. In September I'll have to go do Rob's job, which feels like one of the surprisingly daunting side-effects of this transformation. Doing somebody else's job. It feels like the set-up for a bad reality show. Cliff? Luckily unemployed, albeit underqualified for stuff. Todd, as Anne-Marie was a housewfie, which is a different kind of job. Bry? Got to go to school all day! Me? I've gotta be the teacher. Figures. I always was the responsible one out of us three. (No offense, guys, but you know you would agree.)
Teacher. Surprisingly - and luckily - I'm not teaching Spanish. The Mexican guy is actually allowed to teach other subjects. Rob is teaching English and History. History, particularly American history, I'm not so good at. English? I was an English major. I have my BA in it and I was in the middle of post-grad studies. I've TA'd a few times, I know how to run a class... sort of. Okay sure, the situation is quite different but the idea is the same... right?
Well damn, this isn't the place for self-doubt. I can do this. I've got to.
Well, hopefully I'll believe in myself by the time I have to start inspiring young minds.
-Alia
Friday, July 10, 2009
Alia/Rob: Help yourself.
As you know by now, we were only at the Inn for about a day after the transformation. It was a harrowing day and I'm still not totally settled from it. This is all so new, being in a strange town away from familiar faces and sights. Being in a strange body with parts I'm not familiar with...
Well, I'm familiar with the parts, but not from this angle. Having a penis is a very... novel feeling. I don't want to say "overrated" because a lot of women have this idea that peeing standing up would be so cool, but I still sit, basically on instinct. And I could use more control over erections, but I'm hoping that will come in time because I don't hear too many men complaining about it past puberty.
And shaving. God, that's going to be lame, but necessary.
Well by the end of that first day, people were still confused and scared, and irritated with George and Jan for attempting to provide answers but not being able to answer everything. I was very lucky I had Todd to help me through it. The person I really feel bad for is Cliff.
I don't know how much influence the Inn has in how it transforms people. If what Todd was telling me is true, it's based on physical location. There must be more to it than that - when does the "transformation" begin? When does one body officially become another, and where is that "data" stored? - but it's the most sensible answer. So the randomness, or lack of randomness, yields some very daunting results. Men become women, lovers become siblings, people age or change race, or get geographically scattered. Strangers become companions...
What Cliff didn't tell you is that Tori, the woman he became, was at the Inn with Rob. They're both from Philly, they were lovers, although why they had two rooms not one, I can only guess. Maybe it was a booking issue. Maybe Tori needed her privacy.
It was my job to drive her back to Philly, to drop her with her new family. As overwhelmed as I was by the whole experience, Cliff took it far harder. She kept talking about that first time we met, before the change, when I asked to switch rooms and he (at the time "he,") tried to use it to get sex.
Not the best first impression.
But I felt bad for him after the change. I can tell he's not really the frat boy type, he was trying to put on an act because his friends make it work. Ironically, I suppose, you find out who someone really is after they become someone else.
The entire ride, which lasted about 9 hours with stops, she obsessed over that first conversation. If it works the way Todd said, if Cliff gave me the room that first night, we'd both have our proper parts and could deal with it from there. I'd be Tori and Cliff would be Rob. That's true, sure (probably) but how could he have known? How could anyone? Yeah, it was obnoxious, but it's not like he was obligated to give me the room. All I wanted was a damn ocean view.
So I dropped her off, leaving my contact information so that we can help each other as best we can. I've just been hanging around Rob's place for the last few days, trying to get the feel for it. I've tidied up a bit, trying to take some ownership of it. It's a bit of a sty. Clothes all over the place, a rank "lived-in" smell I hope I'll get used to. Eating his food, a lot of which went bad over his extended vacation. Reading old blog entries.
I'm still trying to wrap my brain around this "Todd/Anne-Marie" thing. Reading his old posts, it sounds so much like him, so much more than he did when I thought Deb was him. I feel like an idiot for not seeing it, but there's the curse of the Inn to blame for that.
Overwhelming really is the word. I want to struggle, I want to be safe and familiar and sane, but there's no way that can happen so for now I've got to go with the flow.
Now I just need to figure out what I'm going to do with myself. Rob's a high school teacher, which means I've got nearly 2 months to myself.
Well, I helped myself to some of his beer. That'll help pass time...
-Alia
Well, I'm familiar with the parts, but not from this angle. Having a penis is a very... novel feeling. I don't want to say "overrated" because a lot of women have this idea that peeing standing up would be so cool, but I still sit, basically on instinct. And I could use more control over erections, but I'm hoping that will come in time because I don't hear too many men complaining about it past puberty.
And shaving. God, that's going to be lame, but necessary.
Well by the end of that first day, people were still confused and scared, and irritated with George and Jan for attempting to provide answers but not being able to answer everything. I was very lucky I had Todd to help me through it. The person I really feel bad for is Cliff.
I don't know how much influence the Inn has in how it transforms people. If what Todd was telling me is true, it's based on physical location. There must be more to it than that - when does the "transformation" begin? When does one body officially become another, and where is that "data" stored? - but it's the most sensible answer. So the randomness, or lack of randomness, yields some very daunting results. Men become women, lovers become siblings, people age or change race, or get geographically scattered. Strangers become companions...
What Cliff didn't tell you is that Tori, the woman he became, was at the Inn with Rob. They're both from Philly, they were lovers, although why they had two rooms not one, I can only guess. Maybe it was a booking issue. Maybe Tori needed her privacy.
It was my job to drive her back to Philly, to drop her with her new family. As overwhelmed as I was by the whole experience, Cliff took it far harder. She kept talking about that first time we met, before the change, when I asked to switch rooms and he (at the time "he,") tried to use it to get sex.
Not the best first impression.
But I felt bad for him after the change. I can tell he's not really the frat boy type, he was trying to put on an act because his friends make it work. Ironically, I suppose, you find out who someone really is after they become someone else.
The entire ride, which lasted about 9 hours with stops, she obsessed over that first conversation. If it works the way Todd said, if Cliff gave me the room that first night, we'd both have our proper parts and could deal with it from there. I'd be Tori and Cliff would be Rob. That's true, sure (probably) but how could he have known? How could anyone? Yeah, it was obnoxious, but it's not like he was obligated to give me the room. All I wanted was a damn ocean view.
So I dropped her off, leaving my contact information so that we can help each other as best we can. I've just been hanging around Rob's place for the last few days, trying to get the feel for it. I've tidied up a bit, trying to take some ownership of it. It's a bit of a sty. Clothes all over the place, a rank "lived-in" smell I hope I'll get used to. Eating his food, a lot of which went bad over his extended vacation. Reading old blog entries.
I'm still trying to wrap my brain around this "Todd/Anne-Marie" thing. Reading his old posts, it sounds so much like him, so much more than he did when I thought Deb was him. I feel like an idiot for not seeing it, but there's the curse of the Inn to blame for that.
Overwhelming really is the word. I want to struggle, I want to be safe and familiar and sane, but there's no way that can happen so for now I've got to go with the flow.
Now I just need to figure out what I'm going to do with myself. Rob's a high school teacher, which means I've got nearly 2 months to myself.
Well, I helped myself to some of his beer. That'll help pass time...
-Alia
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)