Monday, July 20, 2009

Cliff/Tori: Back off, world

Damnit will you people please stop talking about sex??

Look, I don't know how the rest of you are coping, but I want that idea as far away from me as I can get. I don't even like going out in form-fitting clothes because I know guys are looking at me, it's embarrassing and annoying and a lot of other things.

But look if I'm going to be telling you all my entire life story while I'm here there's something I guess you should know about me. I guess it's the reason why all this stuff has made me so comfortable.

I'm a virgin. Or I was a virgin? As Cliff, I'm a virgin and I guess I still am, but I'm assuming Tori has gone all the way. But that doesn't really count for me. So before the transformation I was a 27-year-old virgin male.

It wasn't by choice, believe me. The first girl I ever "dated" was long distance, from age 16-17, nearly 2 years, and then we broke it off when I found out she wasn't really serious about it. It hurt. A couple years later, when I was in college, I met a girl. She had a fairly religious upbringing and wanted to save herself, and I respected that. I dated her for four and a half years and we never did anything serious. I never felt bad about it until she broke up with me, and I haven't seen anyone seriously since then. Three years. Nothing.

The first naked girl I ever saw in person was my own self in a mirror. How do you think that made me feel, huh?

I mean, listen. I don't obsess about it. I do try to meet girls and it's just never worked out, but with all that has happened... my penis taken away from me before I ever got a chance to use it... like I wasted 27 years of maleness just to be re-assigned to a new life where it's not even an option. Sex? No thank you. I'll just go be a priest or a nun or something.

Right now I'm just sitting on my butt waiting to hear back from some of those jobs I've applied to. Some of them are pretty crappy but I need to get out of this house. Mostly I'm either on the internet reading this blog, or trying to make sense of Tori's social life through Facebook, or sitting on the porch reading.

While "mom" and "dad" are out of the house, and Mae (Leah Mae, to be exact) is usually off with her friends, I'm trying to be a nice person and keep busy by keeping the place tidy and doing other chores... although I have to wait until somebody asks because I feel awkward about taking the liberty like that.

So it's not like I've got a lot else to think about. I spent a long time trying to convince myself that sex isn't the most important thing in the world. The idea never really took hold.

Ughhh I need a job!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

We could talk about shaving again, instead... ;-)