Cal / Angie: What's the password?

I just want to sleep forever, or at least till all this is over.

After a few days of just running around trying to stay sane we've finally settled in... me and Derek are all set up at Angie and Mona's apartment. Derek has no trouble just sitting in front of the TV channel hopping but I'm not that comfortable yet. Mostly I just sit in Angie's room... my room now... looking at this blog or trying to memorize every item in the place. It's freaky. Soon I'm gonna get an email from someone saying they have my life. I'm sure they'll be thrilled. There's not a lot they'll have to do, I told them they can defer my fall enrollment and just... do whatever they need to do. I wonder what kind of people will become us. Old men, little girls... a whole family? I dunno. I don't want to say it but I worry that it'll be body thieves and I'll have to live like this forever. That thought's gonna be hard to shake.

There's a lot of information to take in. Addresses, computer passwords, phone contacts. Stuff that, if I was Angie, I would just know but because she's explaining her life to me I worry that she left some stuff out. Like, she told me where she works, a green nutrition store, but not what to do when I get there. I spent my whole first day awkwardly standing around hovering near cash hoping nobody would ask me to do anything special. Even worse I had to call one of Angie's co-workers because she was scheduled to open the store that day because...... well, you know how I said I felt like I forgot something in Maine? Keys.

Then I get home and Derek's still there on the couch, feet up, eating, feeling right at home and he makes fun of me for "playing along" and doing what I'm told. Like I have a choice, or like he does! Whatever, he can be a girl however he likes, and I'll be one how I like.

I feel weird just hanging out in someone else's apartment, almost as weird as trying on their clothes and eating their food. At first I didn't want to but I had been sweating through the same top and shorts for about 24 hours. Haven't tried on any other underwears though. That'll have to happen soon, although I feel like maybe hygiene wasn't this girl's main concern.

I don't know what to think about this girl. I'm getting a real hippie vibe from her. Her place was kind of a mess, and I'm used to thinking of girls as being real neat and tidy. She doesn't have a lot of possessions... Lots of multicultural decorations, dream catchers... jewelry... she seems to keep her hair long and messy and mostly wear flowing skirts. Vegetarian, obviously. She has a garden plot that she asked me to keep up. She's also got a Gecko named Geronimo, which is pretty cool. She doesn't seem like any girl I've ever met in Lowell, but that's what my parents always said "the city" did to people, places like Boston and New York. Made them "kooks." I'm trying not to agree with that.

I'm not looking forward to a year of this, but I'm doing the best I can.

Trish / Robbie: It's gonna be tricky

Robbie Haddad is not a huge guy, just tall and skinny, but he takes up a lot more space than Trish Reilly did. I've never had to deal with my knees being propped up behind the seat in front of me on an airplane... for 6 hours. I've also never had to adjust my testicles constantly. Like, why are these things so ridiculous?

I almost deleted that sentence, but you've come this far into the story and you know that's gonna come up. I see that Cal posted about his boobs. I had to tell him, actually, that part of the advantage of wearing a bra is that your nipples don't, ahem, assert themselves so much against your clothes, especially when you're just wearing a tank top. I mean seriously, that boy was putting on a bit of a show and he didn't even know.

He'll get used to it. We all will. That's the scary thing. I'm looking forward to not having to shave my legs, but I'm not actually looking forward to having hairy legs, or arms or chest and back. Sheesh, I make it sound like I'm a sasquatch (I think they have those here in BC) but it's really just a few dark wisps. Man hair. No big deal. It would be weirder if I was hairless, looking like this.

I actually looked up the name Haddad, because I never heard it before. Turns out it's middle eastern, but Christian. So I'm learning things already. I can definitely tell I've got that beige-olive skin, as does James in his new body since we're related, but thankfully we were not stopped by airport security (oh my god can you imagine?)

After we landed, we collected our bags and caught the high speed rail to downtown Vancouver. Roy went to his new "home" in the suburbs but the rest of us crashed at James's place downtown... or should I say Keisha's... because we were all too scared to try finding our way around a strange city at night. We met her roommate, Steph, who was not too pleased to see a giant group of people invade the living room.

So for those keeping track, here's who we all are:

Like I said, I became Robbie, and James became Keisha, Robbie's sister. Christine (formerly Roy,) is Keisha's supervisor at a book store. Cal and Derek became Angelica and Monique (Angie and Mona for short), who are roommates (that should be fun because I kinda think Derek hates Cal.) Mona was either dating, or just hooking up with Robbie (no thanks.) And then there's Grant, who became Sophie... and I have no idea how she fits in, but my guess is that these girls all go back to years together, even though they seem very different.

It's been strange watching these guys. When they're just sitting still, they just seem like normal girls and you forget what they've been through, but a lot of the time the boyishness comes out. It's especially odd seeing meek little Grant, like a deer in headlights, in Sophie's punkish, tattooed body. I wonder how they'll all be in a few months. Scary to think we've got nothing but time now.

I've told them they can ask me anything they need to know but so far I think they prefer to just go it alone. Good luck to them... to all of us.

Mike: The last to leave

I know there were a lot of people shocked on Sunday morning when we all woke up the way we did. There might have been a few others who had experience and decided to get out before people started asking questions. Lila and I decided to take the initiative and explain to everyone what happened, what they could do about it, how things were going to have to be. Nobody wants to hear that, and believe me we didn't want to say it. That look on those guys' now-female faces when it dawned on them that they were looking at a minimum of a year in this state... trust me, I know that look.

But Lila and I tried our best to be reassuring, explaining how we got back and they can too. I don't know if those Agency people Tori warned me about are constantly mucking things up for everybody or if they just pick and choose, but I'm glad that this group of people saw that it's possible. Best case scenario, it's possible.

So we helped them make their arrangements and waved them goodbye, and then we finally talked about the elephant in the room.

Because I'm not in my own body. The face I'm seeing reflected in the computer screen right now? That's Lila's, and she's got mine. Like I said, it's possible... we just didn't succeed.

I noticed right away. The long blonde hair was a giveaway. So without even checking my face in the mirror I knew the whole plan went to hell. We agreed not to dwell on it, though, at least around the others. They needed our help, so we pretended as each other - as the people we looked like. I feel bad for lying, but lying is kind of second nature to us now. Explaining the truth would have made them freak out. Hell, pretending everything was all right kept me from freaking out. But it's sinking in, now. This has happened.

We need to fix it. Somehow.

I don't love the idea of looking at her face in the mirror every morning. I am not pleased to have to go back to St. Paul, Minnesota - great place to visit, wouldn't want to live there, with my mom and her boyfriend. I worry about her traipsing around in my body more than I would a stranger, because there are sides you just don't want to let family members see, you know? My sister's smart and well-adjusted but she's still my sister and I don't want to give her all access to my world any more than I want all access to hers.

But it's not about what we want now is it. You gotta do what you gotta do.

So to all of you out there heading for Vancouver, I'm sorry I lied. I didn't want to take hope away. I still believe there's a way out of this.

"Don't worry about it," she says in that optimistic way of hers, "How many people does the Inn change every year? A hundred? Not a lot of them probably get to be people they know, people they can talk to about it. People who can look them in the face and say it's all right, I trust you."

I'm gonna have to remember that.

"Just be really careful when you're poking around in my room. You might not like what you find."

Grrrrrr.

Callum / Angie: Airport

I've never flown before. But I guess this is a week for firsts.

Whenever these girls were supposed to go back to Canada, that was a few weeks ago, but obviously they were smart enough to get a rain check or whatever. Roy figured that out for us. He's a good person to have on our side. I say "he," but obviously, he's one of the five of us who became chicks. I saw him around the Inn but I didn't talk to him or anything. Still, he had more of a handle on the situation than the rest of us, so we're relying on him to get us to our new "home." I can tell James and Derek don't really like him because they're questioning everything he says to do, but they're probably just still angry about the situation.

I can't say I'm OKAY, but angry isn't the right word. We don't have time to be angry, we don't have that luxury. We're in the deep end, so we have to learn to swim. The sooner we get our shit together... I don't know. Maybe we don't even have to get our shit together. Maybe it doesn't matter if we wreck these lives, if that's what we want, if that's how it goes. But I feel a strong urge to do whatever anyone tells me right now.

What I do know is that it's 90 degrees here and I'm sweating profusely under my breasts. They are cooped up in a confining, tight, non-breathing bra with an underwire jabbing my ribs and causing the heat to bottle under them, and irritate my shoulders under the straps. If I could air these things out I would love that. I'm only wearing a tank top and short shorts... in fact that seems to be the outfit we've all opted for, since all the girls traveled with at least those items. We must look like quite a sight, five reasonably attractive women all slouched over and gritting their teeth and grabbing at their boobs and adjusting themselves in their seats. I guess these bodies are ours to grab and adjust and do whatever we see fit, so whatever the others have done or seen overnight, that's their business. Trish has kept quiet. I can't even picture the lanky, deep-voiced guy, Robbie, as being the dainty girl she had been, but there you go.

UPDATE: I snuck off to the washroom, unclasped my bra and stuffed it in my purse. I'm just gonna let them hang for a while. Feels nice.

The flight is in an hour. It's a 6 hour flight across 3 time zones, which means... I guess we'll all be tired and miserable when we get there. We're all tired and miserable now. I want to throw up. It's too much to handle. I keep feeling like I forgot something.

-Callum

Roy: Not something I would have wished for myself.

It looks like I will be joining these kids on their international trek. I haven't gotten to know them very well yet, but I'm hoping we can come to some sort of an understanding. The silver lining in all this is that I kind of like Canada... I spent some time in Montreal, altho I don't know much about their west coast. I'm hoping it's culturally similar to Seattle or Portland.

As Lila seems to have already told you, my name is Roy Hutchison, I'm 34 years old, I work in geriatric care, and I'm gay. That last part does not mean I relish the idea of living as a woman, in this young, somewhat doughey body. After all, I put a lot of work into mine and now it's just... gone. Handed over to someone else, at least for the year. But if anyone had to be this woman, Christine, I guess it's only fair that it's me. We're all in the same age group (they aged up, I aged down,) but Christine's biography has more the ring of a "grown up." She Assistant-Manages a book store, she has a house... she's married.

I'm not crazy about any of this. I'm very, very not eager to pretend I'm somebody I'm not, and I know that relationships based on lies... well, let's just say I'm going to try my best.

Worse than putting on the femme is trying to reduce my life into a few sheets of paper. Even trying to boil it down to the essentials is hard. I want to draw a map of everyone in my life and how I know them, how I feel about them and hopefully the "new" me will be able to emulate that, but the more I try, the more frustrated I get that I have to do this. And then there's my job. I've spent a year getting really good at it, and now I have to cram all that into a few pages of instructions.

I told them basically that if it seems like too much, just ask for a leave of absence, because they don't want people who don't feel up to the task, and then find something, anything else to do for money in the meantime. I'll be disappointed if my life isn't just how I left it, but it wouldn't be the first time I started over.

That's all I feel like saying right now. Thanks. Bye.

Trish: The First Night

"This is freak.y I can bar ely type righ tnow, m y hands aer so much bigger than Im sued to. "

That was my first attempt to type after this. I left it there just to look at it. It's getting better but I still have to pace myself. I woke up late on Sunday and freaked at the sight of myself. When the "boys" found me, they caught me up on what they knew, and steered me toward Mike and Lila for further questions.

They swear it's just a matter of "where you were" but I'd be lying if I didn't say I think there was a deliberate irony here... I was here with four guys who are now girls, and I'm the one that became a guy. I woke up with the elastic of my underwear digging into me, a little torn, cutting off circulation to my legs and bunching up my "new friends." Ugh. I'm going to try not to complain, seeing as my fellow Lowellians would practically kill to have the body I'm in, and at the same time some of them are freaking out, like "Oh, my life is over because I have boobs" la la la, suck it up. We're all in this together. We're all part of this huge group that came from Canada. Imagine that... a half dozen or so people traveling all the way across the continent to come to this crummy little beach house. Like I said, it makes you wonder.f this thing is being rigged up deliberately.

So unlike the guys, who have largely just been wearing their own baggly clothes, I've had to actually dig into "my" luggage, to find a suitable t-shirt, shorts, shoes and underwear. I appear to be a guy named Robbie Haddad, about 6' tall, thin, hairy but... I guess, not unappealingly so. I could see this guy being very smooth with girls, you know?

So the theme of yesterday was "what now?" and the immediate answer was pizza.... everyone was starved and once the shock set in we were ready for something of a feast. I shocked myself with how much I put away, but having a larger body and no food for over 12 hours (wait, does the food stay with me, or move on to the next me, or what??)

Knowing that we were all going to be on this trip a lot longer than we thought, we sat around kind of spilling our guts. James played it off like it was no big deal and Derek stayed quiet, but Grant opened up a surprising amount about his life and his fears for this whole mission. I told him that we'd face all our problems together. It won't be long before we have to pick up our tickets to British Columbia (which James had to Google... seriously, he's the cliché of the American who doesn't know where Canada is on a map.) And then I guess... our new homes.

Whoever's reading this... um, thanks for your support? <3>

Callum: Keep Calm

I woke up to the sound of a couple of people hurrying out of the Inn, very noisily. Whoever it was, they were the ones who kept a low profile and didn't speak to anyone else in the halls. They knew this was going to happen and they didn't want to be around to see our reaction.

So my first thought was, "Oh, someone's being noisy, whatever," and roll over onto my side, and everything... moves differently. I feel weight shifting on my chest where it shouldn't. I feel hair under my face where it definitely wouldn't have been last night - like someone else's. I bolt up. The room won't stop spinning.

I'm sweating a little, I'm overheated. My clothes are pretty well hanging off me. Honestly, it didn't take long for me to guess what had happened to me, but I ruled it out because... it's impossible, right?

So all I could do when I sat up - pushed myself up with my arms because I was just too woozy - was look down at the way my t-shirt was being pushed out at the chest, feeling two heavy-ish weights hanging down. I put my hand on one... it was soft, and it was me, all right. I ran my other hand through my hair, finding the strands to be long, long past my shoulders. I gave them a slight tug. They were fully attached to my scalp. I was frozen with fear.

Then I heard a woman's voice call out. "Cal? Grant?" It was coming from James' room. I stumbled to the door. The whole room felt like it had grown overnight, but I guess in reality, I've shrunk.

I peeked out. I saw someone else peek out, too, from Grant's room. A girl I hadn't seen before. She was blonde, but I could just barely see in the dim light that she had streaks of pink in her short punky hair.

"Grant?" I said in a whisper.

She nodded and then asked back fearfully, "Cal?"

We both went for James' door. Inside were two women. One was sitting on the mattress, wrapped in a bedsheet. The other was standing over her, wearing a guy's clothes, Derek's from the size of them. The girl in the bedsheet was brown skinned, the girl in Derek's clothes was more of an orangey-tan, as well as tall and thin, so she was gripping her shorts tightly. Both looked at us expectantly. I muttered softly, "It's Callum. That's Grant." The girl in the bed was James, and standing over her was Derek, still wearing his own clothes even though they now fit very poorly.

We all just stood there in silence, waiting for one of us to admit what happened - we were transformed. But nobody wanted to say it. Everyone wanted to believe it was a hoax or a delusion but how could it be? Mostly we just stared back and forth at each other, looking at all these improbably good-looking women surrounding us.

A guy came by and clued us in - he identified himself as Mike. He was tall, or at least taller than I am now, and probably taller than I used to be (5'7.) He told us it was the Inn, that staying here had given us some kind of magic curse and turned us into whoever stayed in our rooms the week before. He did his best to sound reassuring, saying it was going to be okay, that the worst would be over soon. I felt some doubt at that.

He told us that the people we looked like... they were real people with lives that we would have to carry on, at least until we had another opportunity to come back to the Inn. I asked why we wouldn't just change back again if we stayed another night, and he said that's just how it works. He said there was probably luggage waiting for us, hopefully with notes, letters, maybe whole files about who we were supposed to be and instructions about what to do next.

I rushed back to my room and sure enough, in the closet I had neglected to open because there seemed to be no point, was a suitcase and a large carryon shoulderbag as well as a purse. I dumped to purse out to find my new "life" spelled out for me.

Her name is Angelica Monet. She's 21 years old and comes from Vancouver, Canada. That's the entire way across the continent, in a whole other country. I have lived in the same house since I was born. I pulled my head into my chest and shut my eyes and began to hyperventilate. There's no way I can do this, there's absolutely no way... but I look at my long, skinny arms and began to realize I had absolutely no say in the matter, and that kills me.

I tracked Mike down and began to ply him for details. He was whispering to his sister about something. I interrupted and asked why it had to be this way. Why couldn't I just go back to Lowell and ask my parents to believe me... tell them things only I would know. And he sighed, leaned against the wall and looked me in the eye... I felt so small, looking up at him.

He said that's just the way it has to be. The curse blocks others from... understanding, somehow. They will refuse it until they see it for themselves. That means that you can bluff your way through a new life easily, but attempts to tell the truth don't stick. I find that hard to believe, but if the curse can do this, then I guess I have to believe them.

I wanted to scream, but I knew it wasn't their fault. They said they knew it was going to happen eventually, but they had no idea who or what we would become, just that they had worked to return to their old selves. That gave me hope. They said they would have told me if they could, but they knew that was impossible, and I have to admit if someone said this would happen to me I wouldn't have even considered it possible.

Curse. I'm cursed. I'm transformed. I'm changed. I'm trying to wrap my head around it. It's been a day. Only a day, the first of many. I haven't eaten, I barely slept... I'm on my last nerve, and I doubt they're right that the worst is over but at least we know what's happening. Now we're all just looking back and forth at each other going... "what do we do now?"

When the excitement died down, I crawled back to bed and fell asleep, the gross sweat and odor of my former body caked into my clothes. I tried not to fixate on it. I just woke up and typed out what I remember. So here you go. Whoever you are, obviously you knew what was going to happen... I see from the blog url Mike and Lila gave me, Trish checked in late last night, I haven't heard from her since. I hope she's okay.

Trish

It's late, and I really just want to go to bed, but I had like three coffees on the way up here so that's not going to happen. When I got in, I found this flier on my floor so I thought I would maybe unwind by typing up the hectic story of how I got here. There was a raffle for the senior class at my school in Lowell, Massachusetts, for a trip up here. Of the four others, I only know James well, although I know Derek by reputation through some of the other girls at school, and I used to know Callum, when we were kids, but we are in somewhat different social groups. There's also the other guy, Grant, who I met for the first time at the planning session, but I've seen him around. He's just one of those guys that kinda fades into the background.

At that meeting, the guys... Derek in particular, but also James and Grant, looked at me like I was a piece of meat and I suddenly got a very uneasy feeling in my stomach. A week alone with these guys? I'd feel like I was being fed to the lions. So I told my mom I was feeling sick and couldn't handle the bus ride up there and she offered to drive me up if I was feeling better later in the week.

I was worried... and still am worried... that they have certain ideas about me, about what I'm willing to do or try, because I look a certain way, and I am outgoing and "popular." I'm popular because I'm nice and focussed and maybe, yes, because I take care of my appearance. But I'm also smarter than some people think, scored high on my SAT, planning to go to law school, was in the school government, was in the running to be valedictorian... I'm not like James the druggie, I'm not interested in Derek the meathead, and I have no idea about the other two. I've only drank twice - I'm the girl who helps the hose clean up the party after everyone else is passed out, and whatever I've done with boys, whether I was dating them or not, was always my choice. That doesn't mean I'm uptight, just picky about who I spend time with. I like to have fun, but on my terms. No offense to any of them.

The week went on and I was feeling guilty... it seemed like it could be a nice trip and I was foregoing it because I had some preconceptions about the boys that may or may not have been accurate. I don't think they're dangerous, I just didn't want to deal with what might happen if they were.

So here I am... tiptoeing into the inn after dark, hoping none of the guys are around to notice or care.

Nice place you've got here, by the way... I've been trying to get to sleep for an hour and I think the sheets are giving me a rash.

James

This place sucks, by the way. I talked to Cal after we got in last night and he said he sent you guys an email. He said they were looking for "the stories of the people staying here" so I'll tell ya.

Three of us went out last night, there was an all-ages show at a nearby bar so we checked it out. The band sucked and it was kinda crappy not to be able to drink but whatever. There were some hot girls there, and with the weather being so nice they weren't wearing a lot, so I thought we could chat em up. I thought I might've had a chance, and maybe could have convinced one of their friends to come back to the inn. Derek kinda ruined it by getting too aggressive and pissy when they didn't seem interested in him. Grant said nothing, just kinda sulked. The dude's an all right guy, but quiet, and definitely not what chicks are looking for. I tried to get him to come out of his shell a bit but he wasn't interested.

I didn't mind, anyway, it was just something to do. I've got a girl back home, not really a girlfriend, more like a FWB so we have an understanding about this kinda thing. She made it clear she's not interested in anything serious and neither am I so we have fun, and then we don't talk for days. I told her we can stop if she ever feels awkward about it but she doesn't seem to have a problem.

I kinda feel like I'm wasting my summer, but at least I did something by coming here. There's just not a lot to do. It feels so old school, like American Graffiti or some shit. Well, if it was American Graffiti we'd have a car and just drive around, but we're just sitting here watching DVDs on laptops and trying to convince any of the older people here to buy us booze. Can't wait till I'm 21.

Derek can't wait till Trish gets here. But if I know Trish, he doesn't have a chance so he shouldn't get his hopes up.

Callum

To the Trading Post, or whoever's at the other end of this Hotmail address,

Seeing as the others have seen fit to go off without me, not that we are really here "together" anyway, I figured I might as well respond to your request for feedback, because I'm bored on a Friday night... unsurprisingly, even on vacation.

A little context, first... my name's Callum Malloy, I'm 18, a high school graduate from Lowell, Mass, going to school this fall with the eventual plan of becoming a research scientist. Compared to the others, I'm pretty introverted and more school-oriented, I guess, which is why I'm here right now writing this and they're out there relentlessly - probably pointlessly - trying to meet girls. I haven't seen anyone around our age in this whole town, let alone near this Inn. Maybe a few college girls, but I really doubt three guys barely out of high school will have much of a chance with girls like that, and I feel like seeking out cougars is a lose-lose situation at this point in our lives.

We came to Maine from Lowell because our high school hosted a raffle for six tickets to Maine. The winners were me, James, Derek, the other guy whose name I think is Grant, and Trish. Except Trish didn't make the bus, so apparently she's coming later.

James is pretty cool. Everyone in our school knows him, and while I wouldn't say he's the "most popular guy," he definitely knows everyone, which is more than I can say for myself or Grant. Everyone likes him fine. He's very chill. Derek's a jock, kind of fat, really bad attitude. Grant I know absolutely nothing about, I didn't even recognize him from our school, but he's an all right guy. Just inoffensive. Trish I've known since kindergarten, although we've drifted apart so I wouldn't call her a "friend." She's... cool. If she ever gets here.

So that's what brought me here, and if you don't hear from the others, that's what brought them too.

As for what I think of this place, well, I think it sucks, but my parents thought it would be nice for me to "do something" the summer before college. I guess to prepare me for, if nothing else, life on my own. The beds are stiff, the place has an overly rustic feel to it, too old-fashioned for my taste... the wi-fi is unacceptably spotty. No food on site, which is just messed up, but it's close enough to the beach and there are plenty of restaurants along the boardwalk so it's a wash. The weather's been good. The company's been shit. That's all there is to say.

Lila: Homework

Hey guys. So Mike kind of broke his silence on this blog so I thought I would introduce myself personally. You may not hear much from me, but I would at least like to say a thing or two.

One is that yes, the last year has been stressful, as living with a stranger, and in a strange body, is bound to be. The other is that I don't blame my brother nearly as much as he blames himself. He keeps subtly beating up on himself for "dragging" me across the country, but I wanted to come, and it's not like this seemed even possible to either of us. It was an insane accident, and I wish he wouldn't hold himself accountable. Things could have been worse.

They could have been better, but they also could have been worse.

Third is that I've handed out some pamphlets advertising the e-mail address that leads indirectly to posting on this site. I typed up some fliers and slipped them under doors, basically saying "We want to hear from you! What brought you here? How are you enjoying your stay? Send us your thoughts and experiences so far! The sooner the better!" Maybe a bit pushy, but it might be nice to hear from some of these people before they get "the change."

Mike has said how much it depresses him, to look around and see "future victims." I see future friends, allies, people who will understand us. Maybe I'm a glass-half-full kinda gal. There's the teenage boys playing cards, a few other people... and then there's Roy. Let me tell you about Roy, because he's just the nicest guy and I hope the best for him when this is all over.

I met him this morning when I took a walk up the beach. I'm quite athletic in my regular body, but being Diane has brought out the sloth in me, so I was taking it easy with a little stroll, when this guy comes barreling up the sand. He must be 6'2, 230 Lbs of muscle, bald-headed in his mid or late 30's... quite impressive-looking.

"Going for the record?" I asked jokingly when he crossed my path.

"Hardly," he said, catching his breath. "Just keeping in good habits, you know?"

"You look like you keep very good habits," I said, gazing on his muscles. I appear to be not that much younger than him, so even though my "body" is married, he may have registered that I was ogling.

"My ex certainly thought so..." he said.

I smiled. "Oh really? And how long since she..."

"He," he clarified.

Oh! Okay. Cool, well, I'm open minded. Good for you, right? I laughed, embarrassed, rambled some stuff about how I was totally not hitting on him...

We got coffee anyway, in a friendly way, and I remembered to explain that I'm "married" and here with my husband. He told me all about himself, how he was a Geriatric Care worker from Rhode Island, and this was the only vacation he could take all year - he just needed to "get away somewhere new" after the break up, but couldn't spend that much time away from work. I don't know if he noticed it, but I probably wrinkled my nose at that, given he'll definitely be away from work longer than he's planned. I almost wanted to warn him, but I know that's not possible.

After a while, I used the excuse of having to get back to my "husband," and we parted ways. I told him I'd see him around, and even if not, "Make sure to find me... before you leave." He must've been totally confused because he just looked at me sideways and I turned and walked away before he could ask any follow-ups.

Still. Very nice guy. Which gives me a really ill feeling in my stomach about what happens next.

Mike: Baggage check.

I'm back. Well, this is your first time hearing from me, but I've been following this blog for a while. I've even been in contact with Tori.

My name is Mike Stewart. Late last summer, I took my sister Lila on a trip to Maine for her 21st Birthday. I'd spent some time on the Atlantic coast in college, and I figured she might appreciate it, a landlocked Minnesota girl, who was used to "the beach" being a lake. Our parents split up when I was 15 and she was 10. I went with dad to New York and she stayed with mom, but I'd been going back to see them more and more since I graduated high school.

Our first night there we got transformed. We had barely even settled in for the night and when we woke up we and everyone else in the Inn were new people. I became a college kid named Alan, whose body I still have. She became a local housewife named Diane, complete with someone playing Diane's husband. And as you know, some other people went off in our bodies.

I was wracked with guilt. Here I was basically given a vacation from my existence - I took a leave from Alan's education, obviously, and spent the year working and trying to relax, keep a low profile - and Lila was cooped up with some lady who had been turned into Diane's husband, and by the sound of things they did not get along. My actions had caused my sister's life to become something of a nightmare. I vowed I would get her back here. I know Tori is in the business of warning people off of that, but I couldn't go on like this. Plus, it's not like the real Alan, Diane, et al didn't want their bodies back, as soon as they knew it was possible. At the very least, if my sister and I can't get our bodies back, we can make sure that the people who were kind enough to lend us theirs (unwillingly) do.

It's been an absolute mess, but this whole ordeal is hopefully over. We've checked in, we've found our "luggage," which gives me hope... I don't know if there's a trick for "aiming" this transformation but I'm in the same room as last time, so I think that's the best we can do.

I have seen a few people milling around... at least one couple in their twenties, some teenagers who don't appear to be here with parents, and a guy who looks to be in his late 30's, early 40's. I haven't talked to anyone so I have no idea if Lila, "Diane's Husband" and I are the only returns, and I'm a little too shy to ask. Hopefully I won't have time to check back in until after the big change, but who knows how long that will be, and I might get bored. If I hear any interesting stories I'll let you know.

Nice to meet you all.

Tori: Chat

"Randi" has Requested Your Friendship on Facebook. Accept? (Yes.)

"Randi": Hey... Tori.

Tori: Hey Thom.

"Randi": Sorry we acted all weird. we really weren't expecting... any of that

Tori: Me neither.

"Randi": I've been reading that blog you showed us. Maybe someday I'll write something about our whole experience.

Tori: It can be therapeutic. Sometimes I worry that I overshare. The people on there know a lot about my personal life... lol.

"Randi": I can't blame them. The things you've been through... well, I know. I've been there.

Tori: It's weird, isn't it? So different.

"Randi": Yeah.

Tori: At least you had Sara to go through it with. I had to rely on basically strangers. Friendly people, but not people who knew who I used to be. I think that might be part of why I ended up sort of... becoming Tori, the way I did. It was evolve or die.

"Randi": I guess. Sara and I fought a lot for a while after it happened.

Tori: Oh? I'm sorry to hear that.

"Randi": I mean, it's not a big thing, but it kind of shook the whole foundation of our relationship, you know? It took some getting used to. Looking up at him, this guy who used to be my little Sara.

Tori: So how long was it before you two... you know. If you don't mind me asking.

"Randi": Haha. Not long. I mean, we HAD to see.

Tori: I can respect that, haha.

"Randi": What about you?

Tori: Oh, it took forever for me to even feel myself up. I was a prude. I was afraid I'd like it.

"Randi": Well, yeah. When you're a guy, and you're used to a certain thing... admitting that it's fun from a girl's side is, well... dangerous.

Tori: Yeah.


"Randi": I'm ready to go back, though.

Tori: I understand that... but I'm really worried that you're not going back to what you thought you were. It might be a trick. Did you read my entries about the end of my relationship with Alex? And the real Alex?

"Randi": Yeah. But I have to take this chance. I can't be this woman for the rest of my life. Even if it means hopping from one body to the next, I feel like there's something better for me out there.

Tori: Does Sara agree?

"Randi": At first she did. When we thought we were getting our bodies back, she was all for it. Now, you've put doubts into her. She thinks it might be safer to stay.

Tori: Would that be so bad?

"Randi": I just don't see much of a future between the two of us like this.

(I start a half dozen responses but keep deleting them.)

"Randi": I thought I was pregnant for half a second, six months ago. I freaked out. I can't do this, Tori. I can't be the woman for her.

Tori: Wow... surprisingly, I haven't been through that yet.

"Randi": It was the worst feeling on Earth. I felt so stuck. I felt like I was dying, like the real Thom was dying. I didn't want her to touch me for weeks after that.

Tori: I don't know what to say.

"Randi": Just tell me you understand.

Tori: I do... when I was told I couldn't go back to being Cliff when I fully expected I would, I was in complete shock, couldn't breathe, total panic attack. But here we are 3 years later...

"Randi": Would you want to get pregnant?

Tori: No... but I also wasn't almost married. We lead two very different lives, Thom.

"Randi": Why are you so intent on making me keep this life?

Tori: Because I want you and Sara to be happy. Together. You're my friends and I know the lives you're in right now aren't bad. They aren't yours, but they aren't bad. And yours might not be possible, ever again. You take that risk? Who knows where you end up, or how long it is before you get back to that Inn.

"Randi": No offense, Tori, but that's why you were such a loser when you were a guy. You just accepted things. You didn't go after girls when you wanted them. You didn't fight when someone stole your body. You didn't want to disturb your comfort zone and now you're trying to convince us to do the same.

Tori: First off... fuck you. Second, you don't know anything about what's going on.

"Randi": And you do? What the fuck do you know that you haven't already said?

Tori: I know better than to mess around with shit that's so far beyond my control. Good luck when you go back to the Inn, but do everyone a favor and don't drag Sara back to it.


That's where the conversation abruptly ended, and I just stared at the screen for a while before I decided to post this. Draw your own conclusions.

Ellie: Venting

Sometimes I'm a bad friend. I guess, knowing what you people know about me, it shouldn't be surprising that I get caught up in my own shit from time to time. In the last decade or so, I went from being a preteen girl, to a grown woman, to a man, to a teenage girl who likes girls. I don't even know how to be "me" sometimes. The only person I can really talk to about it is my "father," who is sympathetic... but I hate relying on him, because besides being in this together, we don't get along all that well. I don't get along so great with my "mother," either, who was putting a lot of pressure on me to finally graduate this year and get "my life" on track. Well, it is going to be my life for a long time, so I guess I should.

I was bottling all this angst about everything and I just needed to let it out... if I was a better writer I'd do it here more, but there's only so much satisfaction I get from that because it doesn't change anything. So I was studying for finals with my friend Iris, and I just suddenly started crying, and she asked what was wrong, I told her it was nothing to worry about, nothing she could really help me with, and she said that didn't matter. She was still my friend and I had to tell her.

I told her I was upset because I just realized I can't be anything "they" want me to be, the good, smart daughter who becomes a success. I don't have it in me, I'm crumbling. I'm living a whole bunch of lies.

And she said I was smart enough, smarter than most, and that I had probably more life experience than most people in this town, which is true. And she said she knew it wasn't about school, as stressful as it is. And I said she was right.

So then I told her it's because I'm gay. And I took a huge breath and there was this long silence, like I couldn't even believe I actually said it out loud. I never use that word to refer to myself. I always get around it by thinking to myself, "I'm interested in women," or "I'm really open minded" or "I'm not about gender," but I don't think that's quite it. I am, at least here and now... a gay person, a lesbian, a girl who really only wants to date girls and have guys as friends.

And I told her all about my stupid online dating experience from earlier this yea rand how disgusted I felt with myself for being so secretive and shady about it, stooping that low just to have someone that I had all that in common with, how pathetic I felt when I didn't enjoy it because even though I like women, I didn't like that woman. I just felt like no matter what I do with my life I was never going to get anywhere and never going to be happy.

And she hugged me, and she started to cry, and she said, "I know, I know, I know... I've known for so long but I didn't want to tell you I knew. I wanted you to tell me. I just want you to know I'm here for you. I'm still your friend."

And then I bawled, and we just laughed, it felt so amazing to get all that off my chest. And then we went back to studying and I thought about really moving forward... graduating, moving away, finding people who might really understand me, growing up after all that.

And then after she left, something kinda ate away at me for a while. "What did that mean, she knew? She knew for so long?" How does she see me... how bad was I at passing, even when I had a boyfriend?

Why does this bother me?

What else does she "know" about me?

What if Iris... isn't really Iris?

I went to bed that night just trying to recapture that amazing cathartic feeling of letting that all out, and keeping my secret fears and suspicions at bay. I don't want to end up in a situation like Tori had. I don't know. Maybe it's stupid, but you can never be too careful, right?

My stomach's back to turning itself into knots. Ugh.

Tori: Reunions and Partings

Things completely changed the moment I found out that Sara and Thom were living as Cliff and Randi. I thought I was going to have to explain myself from scratch but it suddenly got a lot more complicated. Two people who knew me - or thought they did - were going to learn my deepest secret. Maybe they already had. I took a moment to compose myself, and the wheels started turning in Sara's head.

"A few years ago, I remember," he said, "You went to Buffalo for Thanksgiving... which I thought was weird, because like, who does Tori know in Buffalo? But this isn't a coincidence, is it?"

"I don't know what this is," I said, although I was starting to get an idea. "But there's a lot going on here, so maybe I should do my best to explain what's going on here." I took a deep, cleansing breath, and tried to compose myself, but it was still a struggle to push the words out. "I wasn't always Tori. I went to the Inn, just like you."

"You're not the real Tori? Then how do you know who I am?"

"It's been a few years... Sara, I've been Tori for almost four years now. Remember when you and Raine went to Europe for the summer, and when you came back I was acting really spacey and confused all the time? That was me."

The man's jaw hung low. With a steady, suppressed rage, s/he said "You stole my friend's life?"

I gritted my teeth defensively, "I didn't steal anything. I was taken from my life and put into this one, same as you. And then some time passed, and Tori... the original Tori..." I made a point not to say 'real,' "She gave up on this body. She moved on. I asked if she wanted it back, and she let me have it, because the person who took my body... HE was the thief."

"Holy crap," Thom-Randi said in the background.

"So if you want to know where I came from," I said, starting to rant a little bit, "It's there. In the mirror. I used to be John Henry Clifford, okay? That's the truth about me. And I'm sorry I lied to you for four years, but you know I couldn't explain it even if I wanted to, so... there."

"Is that why you're here?" he asked, "To make sure we're all right, ready to give you your body back, finally?"

I breathed a heavy sigh. "No, that isn't what this is about. I don't even... this is gonna sound crazy, but I don't want that body back. I decided that a long time ago."

"Why wouldn't you want your body back?" Thom asked impatiently.

"It's been a long time," I said, "I've put a lot of energy and effort into making the best out of this situation. It's my home now. Sara, you're my friend. I'm sorry I lied to you, I'll apologize to you every day if you need me to, but I had no choice."

"But you can go back now," Sara said. "I can give you this body when I get my old one back, and then we can get the real Tori, and..."

"Sara, I don't know how to tell you this," I said, "But I don't know if you are getting your real body back."

"What?"

"There's these people... I don't know what they do, but they con people, they manipulate them. That's why I think you wound up here. Not just at the Inn, but here specifically. Somebody is trying to play with our lives, and our only choice is to not play. I think they took your bodies."

"You're lying," Thom said.

"As soon as they got married, the first thing they did was pack up and move out of state. Do you think that sounds like people who intend to leave their new lives?"

They were stunned into silence. Sara whimpered, "They got married in our bodies?"

"Of course they did," I said, "You had a big wedding planned, and if they called it off, that would've... I don't know, been a big signal. They took your lives."

"Why? Why us?"

"I don't know. They wanted me, too. They just keep collecting people, shuffling them around, getting owed favours and getting paid dues or something, it's all very confusing, I don't even know. But I was warned, and now you are too."

"This can't be true."

"I swear to you, Sara. I've known you for four years, and I only want to help you. You might have gotten mixed up in this because of me, and there's nothing I can do about it now, except... warn you. Don't go back. If they're messing with your lives, then the deeper you go, the more trouble you're in."

"You're a liar," Sara said, "You're trying to scare us to make yourself feel better, or something."

"I'm telling you the absolute truth. There's a blog, there's people... do you remember Alex? He was one of them. My ex boyfriend."

"He gave me the reservation," Thom said. "He said you two were breaking up, so you couldn't use it."

"Well, he went anyway," I said, "And he tricked you into going along, maybe out of spite. I don't know. I'm sorry, again. So sorry."

"I still don't know what to think," Sara said.

I dug into my purse and pulled out my phone. I scrolled through the contacts until I came to K. "Karen Costas. That's Tori. The old Tori. She's living in Louisville, Kentucky. She was on TV for a while, really seemed to love it. You can talk to her right now if you want."

"I just can't handle this," Sara said. "Put the phone away."

"I'm not leaving until you believe me. I'm not the one who did this to you, I'm just trying to help."

"I believe you."

"And I'm not a body thief."

Very reluctantly, he said, "Maybe you're not."

"I've lived, and suffered, and grown so much in four years... you've seen it, Sara, you just didn't know the whole story. You know me, though. This doesn't change anything."

"I don't know," he said.

"I have a flight to catch in the morning... I should go back to my motel. Promise me you won't go back to the Inn. I don't want to lose you guys."

"I can't say that," Sara said. "If there's a chance we can get our real lives back, Tori... Cliff, whoever you are. You have to understand, I have to."

"Just think about it," I said. "And whatever happens... you come find me, okay? I want to know you're okay."

"Sure," he said, "Good bye, Tori."

"Good night."

I thought about it all the way home. I tried to warn them, and I don't even know for sure that I'm right. Maybe I'm just paranoid (I know you'll agree with me, you've seen what these people have gotten up to.) But when I was in their place... three years ago when I was told I couldn't go back to my body, it wrecked me. I moved on, and maybe they will too, but I'll understand if they don't heed my warning.

I just hope they don't regret it.

Tori: The Wake

It was an incredibly heavy weekend for me, which I should have expected. I haven't seen a lot of death in my life, although I guess I've seen my fair share of goodbyes. Not only have I not seen much death, the idea of someone my age (well, my old age) dying is absolutely shocking. The backstory here is that this guy, Dean Wells, is someone that I knew in high school, maybe not overly well... he was the kind of person who knew a lot of people a little bit, but wasn't exactly best of friends with everyone. Still, when I got word that he was killed in a drunk driving incident (the other driver, not him,) I was saddened. I was glad, in a way, that I heard about it with enough time to pack and go to Buffalo for the weekend.

When I went, I felt instantly uncomfortable. Dean's parents were there, holding themselves together while relatives and old friends of Dean's offered condolences. The Wells are not an old couple, probably in their mid 50's, the same as my natural-born parents. They don't deserve this. And then there I was, trying to explain that I was an old friend of Dean's without properly explaining from where... since nobody from our high school would know who I am and I didn't know enough about Dean's life to pick somewhere else.
I didn't even know where he was working or what he did.

I stayed for the service, but ducked out before the committal... I had really just hoped that "Cliff" would be there so that I could kill two birds with one stone, so to speak. But I knew he probably didn't have any contact with Dean, and no reason to go.

So I asked around, found his address, and considered paying him a visit. But I couldn't quite convince myself to do it. So I went to my old favourite bar to psych myself into it. And who should I find there but my old best friend, Justin... who also conveniently was not at the funeral.

Immediately, I sensed an urge to go over and talk to him. He was alone, not with his longtime girlfriend Randi. I took this to mean that maybe things had ended with them. I wondered if he remembered the one time we met, on Thanksgiving three and a half years ago. I wondered what I would say to him, if I did approach. Could I forget about our old times? Could I get away acting like we were always friends? Could we... be more?

I thought about it. I had had a drink or two, but I don't think that's why I thought about it. You guys probably understand that the way I look at guys now is different from it used to be. I know Justin is a good guy, and I definitely know he's handsome. Maybe it was depression from the funeral, maybe it was loneliness from recent dating failures. I gave serious consideration to going over, checking him out, letting him know I was interested.

He'd never have to know that this girl was one of his best friends from back in the day.

But I'd know. Even though I have nothing to be ashamed of for what I am now, the past is the past and it would benefit me to leave it there.

So I went to the apartment building where Cliff lives, and I thought, this is really risky. I don't know these people. They might think I want something from them, that I want to complicate their lives, when really I just want to make sure they're all right. As my finger hovered over the buzzer, my body shook. I turned to walk away.

And that's when I saw her.

Randi. Justin's girlfriend. Well, ex-girlfriend, now. She was walking up to the building with some groceries and beer.

I recognized her before she recognized me. Maybe too excitedly, I called out, "Randi!" She stopped in her tracks.

Realizing I probably seemed like a lunatic, I softened my tone, "Do you remember me? My name's Tori, I'm an old friend of Cliff's."

"Tori...? Sure..."

I began to put the pieces together. "Do you two live together? Are you... with Cliff?"

"Yeah..."

"I don't... I mean, that's great, I'm really happy for you two. That isn't what this is about." I was tripping over my words, trying to get invited up to the apartment without explaining exactly who I was to Cliff. Inside, I was actually busting, because I always carried a bit of a torch for Randi and was both gleeful and jealous that the current Cliff was in this situation. "I was just in town, thought I'd pop by... hope this isn't inconvenient or..."

"No, no, it should be fine..." she said, understandably weirded out by the entire prospect. She led me up, and there was a palpable awkwardness on the elevator ride. "So... you're from Philadelphia, right?"

"Yeah."

Gulp.

She led me to her apartment. Soon as the door was open, she called out, "Honey, um... someone's here to see you."

He leaned his head out from the kitchen. When I saw his face, a shock went through me. Like seeing a picture of yourself that you don't remember being in. Even being ready for it, my eyes bulged out. After all these years, that still feels like it should be my body.

But his face... it went totally colorless, jaw open, the whole thing.

Sheepishly, I asked, quietly, hoping Randi might not hear, "Do you know who I am?"

"Yeah..." he muttered. "Do you know who I am?"

"I... I know who you're not."

Randi tugged my elbow. "You should sit down."

Then I realized... it was her, too. "Oh, of course," I said, "That must be how it started."

"How what started?"

"You two, together... Randi used to be Justin's girl. Is he in on this too? Did he go?"

"I don't know what you're talking about," Randi said. "We woke up like this. Just us. No Justin."

"How did you find us?" Cliff asked.

"It wasn't that hard," I explained, maybe starting to ramble, "Willie gave me your contact info, if I ever needed it. There was a funeral, maybe you heard, I don't know. Anyway, I came up from Philly and I thought while I was here... I don't know, it sounds stupid when I say it out loud. I'm so sorry to bother you. I can go."

"Tori, wait," Cliff said. "I'm confused. What do you think is going on here?"

"Well, I guess, from the beginning, you two went to an Inn in Maine, the Trading Post... and one morning you woke up in a new pair of bodies, right? And maybe there were some letters or instructions to live these new lives, as Cliff and Randi."

"Yeah, that's what happened," Cliff said, "But Tori, do you know who we are?"

I stared at them. "No. Do we know each other?"

They looked back and forth at each other, and at me. It seemed very tense. I was starting to get scared.

Then Cliff said, "Tori... I'm Sara."

My stomach sunk.

He pointed to Randi. "And that's Thom."

"Hi," she said, eyes fixated on the floor.

I stared blankly for a moment or two. My eyes welled up with tears. I threw my arms around them and burst out crying, "Oh my God, oh my God, I can't believe this, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry this happened to you, oh my God, I wish I knew! I had no idea, you have to believe me!" And he just kept saying, "It's okay, it's okay."

To be continued...

Tori: Conclusions

Well, the Nameless Boy experiment has reached its end, I think. If I wasn't sure before I made the decision, I was afterward.

It just wasn't working. We weren't clicking the way I hoped we would, which really bugged me because I saw so much of myself in him: my old self. And I got a really rude awakening when I realized some of the reasons the old me was not the most popular with women.

Against my better judgment, I tried to pursue a casual relationship with him: occasional dates, and some physical stuff, just to tide me over, which I guess isn't fair to him. He quickly became infatuated and clingy, texting nearly constantly and worrying when I didn't respond, spending lots of money on me (which I KNOW he didn't have much of) and offering me very little in the way of pleasant company. He just wasn't a people person.

I liked him as a person though and I wanted it to work, we just did not gel. He was not someone, ultimately, that I wanted to be in a relationship with, probably because I'm used to one thing, and he wasn't it. On our first weekend "together," we went for a walk and ended up at some store, and I remarked that I quite liked a dress and maybe would come back for it. He straight up bought it for me, an $80 dress. Like, dude, I have money. Well-intentioned, but wrong.

Even though it only lasted about a month, it was still hard to put a stop to it, because I didn't want to admit failure in choosing him. I tried to be sympathetic, because I was so much like him once, and I wanted to believe I could have turned out better if someone like Girl-Me gave me a shot, but I ended up having to remind myself that I am a person too, and I deserve a partner, not a project. And to stop projecting myself onto him, wanting to protect him.

The sex actually did get better, slightly. I mean, if you've never done it before, the rhythm is hard to master, not to mention stamina. I don't think I was a very good teacher, but hopefully his next ladyfriend will be more forgiving.

He did not react well to the break-up, practically begging for another shot. I made the mistake of doing it at my house, and it took a while to get him to leave. I've never broken up with anyone myself before!

That brings me back to where I started... on the lookout for eligible men who won't disappoint me. And who aren't, you know... secretly working for a shadowy agency that transforms people, or whatever. No scrubs, I'm basically saying.

On that note, I'm actually going back to Buffalo this weekend. It's kind of a twisted reason why: I found out from Willie that someone I knew from high school had died in a car crash, and after weighing my options I thought I would at least stop by to offer my condolences. Even if they never knew "Tori," it will be an open visitation, so I can manage. I also think it might be nice to touch base with the current Cliff, and see if he (or "he?" I don't know) will be staying put in my old life after Willie vacated it. If there's anything I can do to help him... well, I can't imagine there's much, but it'll be better than nothing. I mean, I did live that life for nearly three decades.

Tori: Great Power/Great Responsibility

Sometimes I feel like I have power over half of the men on Earth, the power that comes from knowing they want me. The look, they chat me up, they let their eyes wander a little below my chin when I talk to them. I have something they want. And I have to be very responsible which of them I give it to.

Because I want it too. That's no secret to you, readers. I have a pretty damn healthy sexual appetite, and I've been starving myself for months -- almost a year! -- because I don't like the idea of having sex with someone I don't totally love. The last time I did that, with my first partner Leo, I felt pretty bad about it.

It's just that, if I hold out for someone who can be my everything, I might be waiting a long time, I might drive myself nuts with desperation, I might cling to them. I totally get why one-night stands are an option. They're just not one I feel good about.

Nameless Boy -- as he shall be called to protect him from embarrassment -- is a special case. He's told me that he likes me, that he's been carrying a torch for a while, unbeknownst to me, and that it was only at my farewell party that he got the nerve. I didn't see anything in him but an opportunity for some escape, some fun, some distraction. He was my attempt at a one-night stand. If I'd known he was a virgin, I might have slowed down a little, but we've all got to start somewhere.

I like him fine. As in, I can put up with him. I don't mind hanging out with him. I'm really not sure how I feel beyond that. I've been spoiled a little bit, with Buddy and Alex, but my memory of both of them is tainted somewhat, too. If I want to get laid, he would be my best option, although for obvious reasons I have not told him this. We've talked a bit, and I've played it a bit close to the chest as to whether I would see him again.

I just don't have the heart to reject him, the way I would reject some bozo in a club. Like, those guys take it on the chin, they don't know you, you're just a piece of ass to them. This guy knows me. He thinks about me. There are worse situations to be in, and I think of all the times when I was him, when I wished I could dance with the hot girl. Maybe he deserves a reward. Ugh, how egotistical-slash-shallow of me to think of myself that way. But it's a reward for me, too, because I like the attention.


I just spent twenty minutes staring at a blinking cursor trying to decide what to say, what to do... and I just finally decided to text him: Hey... feel like getting a drink?

Here goes.

Tori: Something that happened

I sometimes avoid talking about what's going on with me. I like to wait and see how it turns out, if it's not so urgent that I need to put it out there. A lot of the time it ends up being nothing, so I don't say it. Sometimes I say it even if it is nothing.

Sometimes I take forever to get around to saying it.

I got laid on the weekend.

I know, I know, I'm a big girl, I shouldn't care too much about it when it happens. I'm getting better at making it happen, I should say. My little misadventure with Irwin kind of reminded me just how much fun it is to be with someone, and it's his loss if he doesn't want another shot. I'm trying to be a take charge kind of gal.

It was a delayed farewell party with the guys (and one other girl, who I sadly didn't work with that often) from work. Most of them have girlfriends, it ended up being a shockingly big affair (all for little old me? No, it was a pretty regular occurrence, I just didn't always go) at this bar around the corner. The DJ was playing a lot of 90s jams and I had enough drinks that I couldn't resist getting up to dance... because believe me, these days, it takes quite a bit of liquid courage to get me shaking my booty. One of the guys, whose name I won't reveal, joined me on the dancefloor (really just the space between pool tables) and after a while we just sort of... forgot ourselves.

He reminds me a little of Alex and Buddy, except he's only a bit taller than me, really thin, with a chin beard. He's a bit younger than me, just out of college. I had hardly thought twice about him and he was kinda shy, the last person I would expect to join me in an impromptu dance party. So I was impressed, I never saw this bold side of him, tactfully placing his hands on my hips. Well, he did a little bit of hover hands, but I grabbed his wrists and planted his hands on my body. After that he didn't need me to lead him any further. He inched closer and closer, and everyone watched... I would've been embarrassed if I hadn't been enjoying myself so much.

I felt his crotch grinding on me through his pants.

After a few songs, I wrapped my arms around him. "Hey, sorry if I'm being too..."

I didn't hear the end of his sentence. I just told him "Let's go make out in your car."

I was not myself, but I liked being that girl.

We got in the backseat. I laid on my back and wrapped my legs around him. He hovered over me, kissing my lips, my face, my neck... he waited a respectable amount of time before pushing his hands gently up my shirt (hey, he's only human.) After a while, he asked if I'd mind going to my place, since his roommate was nosy. I told him I did not mind.

We drove recklessly, he kept his hand on my leg the whole time, which was sweet. We made out the entire elevator ride up, my back pinned up against the wall. Very hot. When we got into my place, we wasted no time.

And by that I mean, he finished within seconds.

Before I realized what had happened, he pulled out, and I let out a very instinctive, disappointed, "What the fuck?" and he got very red-faced and embarrassed, "I'm sorry, oh God, I'm sorry..."

I got my bearings and collected myself. I wanted to be reassuring, "It's okay, it's okay, it happens..." I mean, it's never happened to someone I was with, but I guess it does. "Got a bit too excited? Been a while?"

He rolled off me and sat up, with slumped shoulders - "It's my first time."

"Oh... wow."

I had him lie down and we put our arms around each other. I just told him "It's okay, it's okay" over and over, like he was a lost puppy. He seemed mortified. It's a good thing we don't work together anymore. Finally I said "I'm sorry I rushed you through that."

"No, don't worry... I'm glad it finally happened. I've been picking up on some signals from you for a while, and I was just too chicken to make a move."

Signals? Oh... boy. I had not been sending this kid any signals. Not on purpose anyway.

This happens sometimes, I guess. If you look a certain way, and you're friendly and comfortable around guys, they take it as a signal. They see what they want to see. I'm aware of it, but it's more in the back of my mind, and it's really egotistical to assume every guy is thinking of you that way. But I guess I do have blinders on to the way guys can interpret my actions. Being in a steady relationship probably helped that. I had a natural shield.

I don't know, it's just a side-effect of being a reasonably attractive girl (wow, I'm not sure if it's a good thing or a bad thing that three years ago I thought I was the hottest chick ever, and now I consider myself "reasonably attractive.") There are worse things to put up with in life. It's just never the ones you really want.

Kinda hypocritical of me, I guess, because I did end up seducing this guy. After a little while, we started back up, making out, still nude, letting him run his hands up and down my body...I don't know, after the recent events of my life, it was nice to be with someone that seemed to at least want to be with me.

The second time wasn't great, but it lasted longer than the first. I took the opportunity to give him a few pointers when I could, but in the heat of the moment there's not much you want to say beyond "keep going with that!" and "slow down!"

He didn't stay the night, thank heavens. I think he was just too embarrassed, and I had to have a good long talk with myself about how lame that was. I really don't see myself as a one-night stand kind of girl, but instead of being ashamed, I was at least kind of proud that I made it happen. I mean somebody had to be that guy's first, and it might as well have been someone forgiving. Believe me, the longer he went without it, the more self-conscious he would have gotten, I speak from experience. He'll survive.

I just don't know what's next for me.

Bryan: Sighting

I guess it's been a really long time since I've written here. Obviously there's been a lot of settling down... if Todd and Alia wanted to talk about it, I figure they would, but basically things are status quo around here with them and me.

We've even kept the band, Somebody Else, relatively active. No more big tours lately, but even Shelby is back drumming with us when we pull gigs around Toronto. We needed some space and time apart, but in the end not only is she a friend, she's a good drummer for us to work with.

She's been seeing this guy, Roman, for a while. He's this clean cut business major, a really type-a kind of guy, my exact opposite. I'm just a tad bitter about that, but if that's what she's into then I wish her the best. They moved in together and held a housewarming party last weekend, and invited me, Alia and Todd. I went, knowing I was probably going to have a rough night. It was a lot of couples.

Across the party, I spotted a girl who appeared to be single, a pretty brunette with a cute round face, going from conversation to conversation. She must have seen me eyeing her, because she looked twice and smiled, then came over.

She asked how my night was going and I said I'd had worse. I asked how she knew the happy couple, and she said she was Roman's ex, Traci. What a funny coincidence, I said, because I'm Shelby's.

"What are we doing to ourselves?" she laughed at herself a little, and me I guess. "No really, I'm still friends with Roman, and I just needed to get out more. Exam crunch, you know?"

"I remember that... I've been out of University for a while now, been working and traveling." I told her that Shelby and I were in a band and we'd recently toured the States. I didn't mention that it was over a year ago. Still feels pretty recent.

"Another funny coincidence," she said, "Because I'm from there." I could tell she had kind of an accent. The difference between Canadians and Americans is subtle, but you notice it when someone points it out. I guessed based on her accent, "New York?"

"Long Island," she said. She'd moved here with Roman to go to school, and when they broke up, they were both kind of, well, stuck. "But I love your country, everything's so open and clean. I'm glad I stayed."

We made more small talk, which had the tone of flirting, and we must have been noticed since I saw Roman giving us the evil eye once or twice. Around 11, she had to go, she needed to call it an early night and her ride had arrived. I walked her down to the lobby. She gave me her number and we agreed to meet up eventually.

But here's the thing. I caught a glimpse of the person driving the car, a very familiar looking young woman. She rolled down her window to wave Traci over. I think, and I guess I can't be totally certain, but it looked exactly like Julia Di Francesco, the girl that Anne-Marie became while Todd was her and I was Ellie.

Maybe I'm just jumpy, after reading what Tori posted. Whoever's in that body didn't seem to care that I got a clear view of her - I was standing right there, and if they're part of the Agency or whatever, they'd know I would recognize that face. So maybe I'm lucky, and whatever's going on has nothing to do with me or Todd.

But I doubt it. All I know is that at this point in my life, I can't afford NOT to be suspicious of everybody out there. So while a small part of my body is saying to forget her and run away from this mess, I've never been good at listening to that voice. I want to investigate.

I contacted the current Ellie and asked her to tell me everything she knew about everyone involved with the Inn. I e-mailed Tori to tell me if there was anything left to know about these people, if she could find out. You guys, we're going to figure this out.

Ellie: Casual encounters

I should post here more. I'm seeing a lot of Tori on this blog and I envy her ability to open up to you guys. Whenever I have a personal problem lately, which is always, I just hold it in. But hey, a lot of people have the password here and you don't see them, either. It makes me wonder.

I can't wait to be done high school. I don't fit in and I don't belong and I don't want to. But what comes afterward might be worse because I have to make decisions. If I decide to go to college, then that's it. I'm in it for the long haul. I AM Ellie thanks to a hefty student loan that I can't just dump on someone else, and a decision to move away and major. It would be so irresponsible to start down one path only to go back to the Inn later, which I don't trust myself not to do.

My only decisions in the past were just based on the need to survive. Being able to look at my options and choose a path... that's frightening to me.

So hopefully you won't blame me for needing to blow off a little steam.

I answered a Craig's List ad a few weeks ago. I don't think there's anyone at school I would want to date, any open-minded girls that I could introduce myself to at the end of my last semester. I wasn't really looking to date, anyway.

So I found this woman. 38 years old, never married, recently came out of the closet, looking to dip her toe in the water. Before she sent her pic I was expecting someone rough-looking, but she looked like a very proper lady, a realtor with her hair perfectly combed and make-up done well. I explained what I could about my situation, that I felt uncomfortable at school, that I needed someone who might understand me better. She said she felt like she did.

We arranged a meeting. I got my "dad" to drive me over, because I wanted the safety of knowing someone knew where I was, and he was the only one I could trust. If he disapproved at all, he didn't say.

When she let me in, she smelled like she had bathed in perfume and really spent time perfecting that hair and make-up. She had stuffed herself into a little black dress and nylons. I was wearing jeans and a cardigan. I didn't know which one of us should be embarrassed.

She was drinking wine, but didn't offer me any. Maybe she didn't want to offer alcohol to a minor, but considering the way the rest of the night went, it probably wouldn't matter.

She smiled at me. "I'm not sure how to begin this. I don't want it to be weird."

"It's not weird," I insisted, trying to convince myself. "I liked e-mailing with you. You seem like you get me."

"I do get you," she agreed, "You remind me a lot of myself at your age... lost and uncertain. God, if I'd known then what I know now, so much time I wasted."

"It's not important,." I said, "It's never too late to start again."

"I hope so." She stretched her arm out to put her hand on mine. "The real question is, what does a girl like you want with a woman like me?"

"We're both... new to this," I said, "We can both learn together."

She leaned in, and I leaned in, and eventually our lips touched. We started to move together, breathing in deep, letting our hands find differed parts on the other's body. I ran my hands up her hips, she placed hers on my back and leaned me back. Her legs straddled me as she lay on top - which didn't seem fair as she outweighed me by a lot, but I think that was the point. I could barely breathe, but I was so caught up in the moment I didn't think about it.

We made out for a while. Before long, her hands were everywhere, teasing the lining of my top and the button on my jeans, feeling out the soft flesh of my midsection. And I did the same, running my fingers over the flesh of her shoulders, under the strap of her bra and over the tops of her breasts.

She moaned. Throughout the whole thing she moaned theatrically, I could hardly take her seriously after a while. Before long, I was undressed, naked and frail beneath her and she still had her dress on. She kissed my breasts and I unzipped the back of her dress. I needed her help with her bra clasp - she had unfastened mine with a single motion, and I was gritting my teeth trying to get hers off. It almsot broke the mood. Almost.

She slipped her fingers powerfully into me. I moaned and again, she moaned with me, as if she was deriving as much pleasure. I wanted to tell her to shut up and just go through with it, but I didn't say anything. While she kissed and petted me, I played with her breasts and tried to ignore the excessive scent of her perfume.

She led me to her bedroom. Standing in the light, I saw her body in full for the first time, seeing the cellulite on her legs and ass, her saggy breasts... I thought to myself, "It's okay, she's a regular woman, she looks pretty good for her age!" I hate feeling shallow.

In the bedroom, she laid me down and it was back to the routine, pawing and tonguing at me. She had me use a vibrator on her, and she tried to get me to use it too but I declined. I watched her finish herself off, and I wondered if she was just putting on a show or if she really enjoyed it this much.

When it was over, she wrapped her arms around me and I rested my head on her breast. She asked if I had enjoyed myself, and I said yes, which was half-true. It was far from the best sexual experience I've had, but it was nice to at least be with someone. She asked if I was ready for another round soon, and I said I had to go home and sleep.

I walked through the living room, gathering up my clothes. She appeared in the doorway and sid "Stop... I just want to remember you this way." Naked, she meant. I paused for a moment before putting on my underwear.

I texted for "dad" to come pick me up, then she walked me down to the lobby. I stayed quiet while she talked about what a good partner I was and how she'd love to get together again soon. I said I had a lot of homework so it might be a few weeks. Inside, I felt embarrassed and frustrated that I hadn't enjoyed it more: she was attractive enough and eager enough. I wanted it to just be a primal satisfying of needs, not a complicated emotional thing.

She texted me a few times to see when I would be available again and I noncommittally texted her back, putting her off as long as I could. When we did meet up again, the results were as uncomfortable and I began to wonder what I was trying to do. I want to be with someone, but I don't think I'm up for tawdry affairs with women twice my (physical) age.

I think I'm just somebody who's not going to be able to find love, at least not for a very long while... I need someone who has had similar life experiences to me, which is nobody, really, but I think I'd at least like someone who is in my physical age group. Someone who's as uncertain about herself as I am.

She kept texting and I kept putting her off, and then she finally got the message. I have a lot of work to do for the end of the semester, anyway.

Tori: Fingers Crossed

I walked into my old employer very apprehensive. I had originally gotten hired with them through Alex, and we know he turned out not to be on the level. Whatever his objectives were, or the peopel he works for, he was trying to convince me to go along with him... in the time since, I sometimes wonder if my firing had something to do with that, maybe to help coerce me. Heaven knows I didn't stick it out in this body just to hawk cell phones at the mall. Maybe I'm seeing connections where there are none but I think anything is fair game.

I'm am SURE, however, that this conspiracy, if you can call it that, has to do with getting called up out of the blue and being offered Alex's job. Supposedly, he was moving on, and recommended me - not somebody who was still with the company - as his replacement. I was very unnerved that they would want me back, if they had anything to do with these mystery people, and particularly bothered that this new Alex would think of me at all.

So I went in to the manager's office, Alvin, and I sat across from him just kind of staring intently, trying to figure him out. I asked about the job, and it seemed to be exactly what he was describing, for in-hour IT services for the entire company. Okay, great, as long as my skills aren't too rusty. "Why had Alex recommended me?" Alex had made the argument that I was as qualified as him (true) and was familiar with the company structure (not as true, I was fired just after a merger, but hey.) Alvin basically reassured me that the job was mine if I wanted it.

I hesitated. I wanted to wring him for answers but if he had any he wasn't coming out with them. I told him that if there was anything else going on, he could tell me, I was in the know. He looked at me like I was a lunatic. He asked if I wanted the job, and I said I'd have to consider it.

That night, I went over to Alex's place, hoping I wasn't breaking their rules or putting myself in danger. I also hoped he hadn't moved: luckily, he hadn't. When I pushed the buzzer, and I heard his voice ask "Hello?" my heart lept out of my chest, and I squeaked the most awkward response: "Hi, um, my name is Tori, and..." he interrupted, "I know. I know. Come on up." He was expecting me. Gulp.

I nearly hyperventilated on my way up on the elevator. I hadn't seen Alex, that face, that man I had spent a year with, since he, well, stopped being himself (or George, rather.) And I knew that whatever this gentleman was going to say, whether I could trust him or not, was going to deal with some vry uncomfortable truths about my life, that I just don't want to deal with. But before I take this job, which I really wanted to do, I needed to know what was really going on.

As soon as I knocked on the door, he was there to open it, like he was waiting for me. I nearly fainted when I saw his face, I swear I just couldn't deal with seeing this person with all the baggage attached to that appearance, but I collected myself, and he had me take a seat and offered me a drink. I declined. He said, "I was hoping you'd stop by."

"Really?"

"We have a lot to discuss, but I didn't think you'd just come over if I asked you to. I felt sure that you wouldn't take that job without at least seeing me first."

"What do you know about me? About who and what I am?" I asked.

"I know plenty, Tori. I know you used to be John Henry Clifford, an IT technichian from Buffalo, New York. You've been here since the summer of 2009, and when you couldn't get your old body back, you stuck it out, got comfortable, sought happiness... that's admirable. I know you used to date the man who occupied this body, but when he left it, to go live as someone else, you declined to follow him. And here we are."

"Is this for real? The job? Or are you just playing a game with me?"

"You need to learn how to ask questions, no offense," he said, taking a sip of his water, "Because I wouldn't tell you if I was."

"I guess that makes sense, I just find it hard to believe you have my best interests at heart."

"If it helps, I'm really just looking out for my best interests. Yours are incidental."

"How comforting," I rolled my eyes. "So what are your interests?"

"I want out."

"Out?"

"You asked me if I was playing a game. I'm not, but someone is. It's a lot bigger than you or me, but it's... sort of a con. They have a lot of influence over who goes where. There are a lot of favours owed. I got caught up in a while, but I'm ready to get out, and I thought, since I'm leaving anyway, I might as well do you this favour."

"Why do you care about me?"

"This isn't the first time we've met, Tori." He kind of chuckled to himself, "This is embarrassing, but I guess I wasn't going to win you over without mentioning this... I was Danny."

My eyes bulged out. "Danny? My friend Danny?"

"For a while, yeah. Believe me, that was a difficult couple of years to navigate."

"So... when Raine, and Danny... you were... That was you...?"

His face turned red, "I tried. She was willing to try, and for a little while it worked, but... Believe me, I am really sorry to her about that. She was really understanding. That's why I'm doing this, in a way. I care about her, but I can't be in her life like this. The Inn will be open for the summer soon, so I... I've lined up one last chance. Believe me, the Powers That Be are happy to have a life like mine that they can use to leverage people."

"So they just use people? Use their lives as incentives?"

"It's a carrot on a stick. You wind up in a body that is not to your liking - either by accident or because they put you there - they tempt you to work for them by offering a new body, or even your old one back. Holding you hostage. They've been at it for a long time, so they've got connections, money, power... but I guess there are limits. You need to take the bait, and you never did."

"No," I said, thinking about how close I was to going with George. "I never did."

"Tor, you need to know how badly I wanted to talk to you about this. Even going back to when it all started, watching you date him, while I was powerless on the sidelines trying to survive in my own situation, knowing you were going to get your heart broken. I'm sorry you got caught up in this."

"It's... it's all in the past," I said, still stunned. "Thanks for being honest."

"If it helps... don't trust anybody. Even me." He's right, but I don't know if I'm strong enough to go thorugh life looking at everything skeptically. I wish I could take him and everything else at face value.

I stayed a bit longer, rehashing old times, catching up on what was what... the whole meeting was really long and really therapeutic, and if I've muddled up the exact wording of the conversation here, I apologize to Alex.

I left feeling a lot better about life, in a way... if "taking the bait" with George was my only risk at being sucked into this, then taking the job was a smart decision and I might be safe now. Maybe somewhere down the line they'd try to get me again, but according to Alex, they may have moved on. I told him that I would do everything I could to help him with Raine, if he wanted it, when she comes back and he comes is in his new body.

I asked Alex if it was safe to blog about this, if openly discussing his identity, and mine, made us targets. He said it was fine, that the "Agency" people didn't really pay much attention... anything I was going to share on here that they needed to know, they would be able to find out anyway.

Not terrifying at all, sure.

It's a relief, after nearly 4 years, to feel like I know even more about the world I live in. The things people could do with that Inn... scary stuff.

But I've worked my last shift at the phone place, starting at the IT job tomorrow... this feels like a new chapter. At 26, I am back on track to living my life. Fingers crossed.

Tori: Woah hold on.

Here I am, complaining about boy troubles, and all of a sudden I get an e-mail.

It's from my old employer. Offering me a job.

Alex -- or whoever looks like him nowadays -- is leaving his job. And he's recommending me for his replacement.

I'm just... floored. I don't know what to think.

I would so love to go back there. Get out of my rut, get my life moving again. But I'm suspicious... whoever this person is, he's probably mixed up in the same stuff George/Alex was, and I dson't know if I can trust him. Can I just take this offer at face value? What does he know about me? What does he expect me to do?

Should I go talk to this person and find out if he's on the up and up? Could it possibly end well?

I'm suddenly very dizzy.

Tori: Let down

After our date, I waited for Irwin to get in contact with me. My experience with guys has usually been pretty positive, they've liked me when I've liked them. We didn't play head games and test each other. So I got a little irritated when a week flew by and Irwin was still pretty dodgy about when we were going to see each other again.

And then some more time went by and I realized we weren't going to see each other again. That was it. I was a one-night stand to him.

I reminded myself that I wasn't that into him to begin with. All the chemistry we had at first completely disappeared when we actually tried to go out on a date. Yes, he was smart and handsome, and the sex was... good enough, I guess? I thought it was worth a try. Apparently he didn't. And I feel like an idiot.

When I was a guy, I didn't do that. I wasn't that guy. I was way too intimidated. But I wanted to be. I remember feebly trying to hit on Alia when we first met at the Inn. My friends maybe weren't pickup artists but they weren't doing badly with women. And since I've been a woman, I've been pretty good at sensing which guys were really interested in me, and staying away from guys who just wanted a night.

I don't know. I realize, it was sex, I got my end of the bargain too, and there were no promises, I just figured there was still some potential there or at the very least a second date so I could decide. But he made his decision, and fair enough. It's not like he lied to my face, he just took the easy way out after. And this is a pretty mild version of what a lot of women have to put up with.

Look, I don't want to have to go out and find a new guy every time I want some action. All I want is some consistent attention from a guy I actually want to be around. My last two relationships totally spoiled me. I'm really not a one-night stand type of gal.

Having said that... it's got my hormones worked up into a frenzy because suddenly my body remembers what I'm missing out on. I can't seem to win!

Tori problems. Thanks for listening.

Tori: Good medicine

I'm no good at dating, I think.

I'm pretty good at being in a relationship. I think I'm so used to that that on a "date," I come on a bit strong and have overly high expectations on my date. My showing last night was pretty embarrassing, I can't even remember what I was babbling about. I don't think it went well.

I felt like a lot of the chemistry we had on our first meeting was suddenly gone, and I was talking to a different person (and don't think for a second that doesn't give me pause!) Yes, he's into some nerdy things like Doctor Who and Game of Thrones but he's not like the kind of "nerdy" guy I like, he's also really into sports and spent half the night talking about the Eagles and UFC.

I was going to make a joke about how it's a good thing I'm not a guy anymore, but I know for a fact that it's possible to be a charming, likeable, successful guy and not give a damn about football. Sorry, gents.

So I sat there, trying to nod along politely and remember what I liked about this guy. He's handsome, fills out a suit well, and pretty funny (when we're talking about a subject I understand.) I could do worse, and I hadn't been with anyone in six months...

So I went home with him.

It was pretty impulsive, I'm usually very guarded, especially lately, but I just needed to blow off some steam and remind myself what I was in this for. I still hadn't made up my mind as we were walking up to his apartment - I could've walked away at any point - but we got through the door and the place was neat and tidy and I figured, hey, this guy's got it pretty together. And in the light of day I'm thinking it's a little sad that that's my only criterion.

So I kissed him, and he wrapped his arms around my waist and guided me to the couch and I climbed on top and we started making out, and surprise, he started feeling me up... so I felt him up (and down) and well, you know how it goes.

I considered staying the night, but he said he gets up at 6 AM to go running, and it was OK if I wanted to put up with that, but I was also welcome to leave, so I did because I felt like I could use the sleep. I figure we'll work out our next steps from here. It's kind of nice to be back in the game. I hope I manage to get into the groove more, and we start to gel after this.

-Tori

Tori: All dressed up in a suit and tie...

Why do men love boobs?

It's a question I never really thought about when I was a guy. I just did. I liked the shape of them, the size of them, the look and feel of them, to the extent I ever felt them. I can almost remember turning my head to stare at a woman as she walked by. Sometimes I still do, but not with the same thoughts.

Every guy I've ever been with has gone straight for my tits. As soon as they've got you making out, you can expect the hand to come up, reaching under the shirt, feeling the underwire... sometimes they go right under, sometimes they go straight for the clasp. They like to grope, feel, squeeze... it doesn't always make the situation better for me (God knows I hated it for a while even after I started dating guys) but if you really like someone, you'll let them do just about anything. Plus they definitely feel good to be kissed or touched ever so lightly... or hard.

I'm probably more understanding about that than a lot of girls but as I look myself in the mirror tonight, getting ready for a date, making sure I have my cleavage just perfect, I find myself so exhausted by them and the attention they get. Life might've been easier for me if I'd wound up as a flat-chested girl, but the inn gave me something to work with.

Dressing up. Going out. I remember when that just meant a suit and tie and the most uncomfortable thing was the shoes. Now... well, it's still the shoes, but there's the bra and the makeup and all that time-consuming makeup.

So yes, I started dating again. And no, it's not an 18-year-old, it's a guy I met at a singles event in February. I saw him checking me out from across the room and at first I was rolling my eyes but we got to talking and he impressed me. His name's Irwin. We had a mutual friend, a co-worker of mine to help break the ice. At first I didn't know what to say, but he didn't try any lines, he just started making conversation, asking me about my work and my life, and what TV shows I watched - we bonded over Doctor Who - and before I knew it I was talking to him like we already knew each other.

He's African-American. He asked me if I thought there was a difference between dating black guys and white guys. I said I don't know because I've never dated a black guy. And then my face turned bright red because "Oh my God did that sound racist??"

He laughed, and then said yeah, you'd have to be a little racist to live in Philly your whole life and never date a black guy. He was joking but I felt so self-conscious because I grew up in Buffalo in an area which is whiter than you can imagine, but as you know my "official" story is that I grew up in Philly, which is very diverse. And yeah, I think Tori has dated African-Americans, guys who tried to get in contact with me for a while after I became her, then stopped calling after I never answered. Anyway, he used this embarrassment to convince me I needed to go out with him. If he wasn't so damn charming (and a Whovian to boot) I probably wouldn't have been so easily won over. The alcohol probably helped, as did the dryspell.

Anyway, time passed and we kept putting off our date for this reason or that, but tonight is the night and I decided to check in on the blog to let you know how things were going with me... I know my world isn't exactly in full gear anymore but it's still my life and you are always still so welcoming.