Friday, July 03, 2009

Alia?: Answers and questions

If anyone out there believes what is going on here I hope you understand it is not easy for me to be typing this... suddenly everything about my life has changed. And I don't just mean the face in the mirror, but my entire understanding of the world around me, not just on a metaphysical level but on a personal one... you have to understand how much it hurt when I started to think Todd no longer cared about me. How much pain I went through, hating Todd for seeming to forget me. Hating myself for letting it bother me so much, like some pathetic girl.

Right now, the realization that that Todd was not my Todd, that my Todd was somewhere else the entire time... that I've been the victim of a huge unthinkable lie for a whole year, that's what's got me so shaken up. It doesn't matter what I look like now, although this is... just as shocking to me, really. And when I first woke up, when I saw what had happened to me, I couldn't believe or understand what exactly had happened. I didn't think it was real. No matter how real it felt, some of the worst dreams feel the same.

Then I heard a knock at the door. I was wary of answering it, but it had urgency to it. A muffled voice from behind the door: "Alia, it's me! It's Todd! I know you're in there!"

Cautiously, I opened the door a crack, and sure enough there he was, dressed in jeans and a t-shirt. Specifically, a Clash T-shirt that I had given him years ago, and that I thought he'd lost. And what did he see? Not Alia...

I hadn't removed my sleeping clothes yet - a pair of shorts and a tank top - but they were straining against my shoulders, my waist. I was constricted, but I didn't want a look at what I saw underneath. I knew what was there, I could feel it, part of me, but suddenly, seeing Todd, I had pressing issues.

I couldn't look him in the eye as he addressed me. "Alia," he said, "Alia, is that you?" I nodded. "I can explain. Just relax. I can explain everything."

Bryan came and stood in the doorway, letting Todd do the talking. I sat on the bed, and he paced back and forth. He says when he stayed at the Inn last year, he was transformed, and had to live in Connecticut, and some stranger got his body. That's the person I thought was Todd this entire time. A little bit of a tear fell down my cheek, partly from relief, partly from fear. He explains, it's possible to change back, it takes some arrangement, but it works, and he's going to help me as much as he can.

I stood, being nearly eye-to-eye with him for the first time, and wrapped my arms around him. I didn't know what to say. I kissed him, which I thought for a moment might be a bit much but he actually kissed me back for a little bit before breaking away. "Sorry," we both apologized. Then we laughed. Maybe there wasn't anything to apologize for.

So now, in the aftermath of all this emotional fallout, I've got a whole new life to deal with. And that's a scary thing. I've been looking at this face in the mirror and it scares me to think I'm not going to see myself for a very long time. The mustache is going to have to go.

The name on the letter was Roberto Garcia. The best of what I can tell you right now is that he's 31, a high school teacher, a native of Philadelphia. I'm not going to address his marital status right now, but I'm not going to be in the same situation Todd was in. Speaking of which... I keep coming back around to it how weird not only this situation is, but what he's told me about his life this past year.

I feel kind of stupid for not even reading past the first couple of posts. I thought "Wow this goes back a long way, I think I get the idea" around the time it just started to be about a bunch of guys playing poker. I thought it was stupid. I didn't realize what I'd be reading if I just kept going to the end of that first month! Not to mention the fact that Todd's been referencing me repeatedly. In the situation, it's kind of sweet.

Todd Casey. Trapped in a monogamous relationship. A woman. I know it, I've heard it, I've seen proof to suggest all of this is real, but I can't imagine it. That woman who I thought was giving me the evil eye, under her skin was my boyfriend. And all because he wanted to come back to me as soon a she could, he did things that would've been unimaginable... impossible.

Well, I'm going to do my best to come back to him. I've got to. No matter how hard this next year might be, I owe it to him. As scary as the thought is, looking like someone else, living their life, I haven't got a choice.


No comments: