I haven't given myself a lot of time to sit and pity myself, but there have been moments when I feel truly helpless. I feel like Cliff has maybe succumbed to it a bit more than I have. I've been reading up, preparing for this teaching gig I've been stuck with. Cliff has been thrown a bit more headlong into chaos and it shows in the exhaustion on her face.
That's not to say I've been getting along perfectly. A few days after I got to Philly I began to feel a little ill, and soon after figured out why. Nicotine cravings. Fuck. Rob was a smoker.
I've never smoked a cigarette in my life. Well, not tobacco anyway. Todd used to at one point and I hated it. It made him smell like my dad, who also smoked. I found this big carton of cigarettes in the cupboard - hell, there were a few packs in my luggage in a pocket I had overlooked. I had to get them out of the house.
I considered smoking them. Briefly. But then I decided I'm not just going to do things because Rob did them. Not if I'm not already inclined to do so. So I went out and got nicotine gum, and scrapped the cigs. It's been working, for the most part, but I hate feeling dependent on anything. I think the point is, I'll get over it.
The other nagging problem is, well... Rob is not that young. He's 30, but I feel old before my time. I go for long walks and come home feeling sore, especially in the mornings. The smoker's cough doesn't help. When Todd and Bryan were over, we stayed up Saturday night (after seeing The Hangover) smoking weed and eating Doritos, kind of like old times. Except they kept making stupid Mexican jokes. Calling me George Lopez and whatnot. I took offense to that. At least they didn't call me Carlos Mencia.
I wound up with a massive case of heartburn. I'm not somebody who, you know, indulges in that way a whole lot. I can live without it. But it really hammered home how far forward I've been sent as far as wear and tear.
And then of course, the sex thing. I don't know what to make of my penis. It's all wonky. I'll see a cute guy and maybe I'll get a half of an erection, and the feeling of having half an erection will give me a full one... and then I'll feel like I'm cheating on Todd, and it'll wear off. And then I'll see a woman... and I don't even know. Suddenly there's something very appealing about women I mostly would've thought were stupid bitches at a first glance.
Not that I never thought they were attractive. I mean look. I know what a hot girl looks like. I never really felt all that curious, but there have been some very good-looking women I knew that I maybe might've considered beyond my actual sexual preference. And now, thanks to this stupid penis, I can't ignore that feeling. And the standard is a bit lower. Is it me? Is it my mind, exploiting a curiosity I always tried to suppress? Or is the body deciding for itself what it likes? It's too confusing. I don't want to do anything!
Which brings me to the problem of Rob's... relationships. Yes, he was seeing Tori at the time of their transformation. Right now, they're a couple down in Louisville. The thing is, Rob also had other, previous relationships he wasn't entirely done with.
The type of relationship that requires paperwork and legal action to dissolve.
He was fucking married. Or divorced. Or getting divorced, I should say.
So for now that's my problem. I'm supposed to go down to his lawyer's office to sign things soon. Whatever, I guess I don't really care, it was just annoying to find out I had to take care of this stuff.
So that's that.