Sunday, July 05, 2009

Cliff: Too much to handle

I guess you'll want to know what's happened. Well, I guess you already know. You probably all knew before I did. I don't want to write about it, I don't want to think about it, don't want anybody to know, but... that doesn't make it any less real. It's real all right, and it's terrifying.

So I'm transformed. I'm a girl. A woman? When does a girl become a woman? At a certain age? Or is it maybe a sex thing? Oh God.

Never mind much about what happened that first day. It was all chaos. If you must know, I knew right away, but I didn't know. Obviously. Like, lying there in bed, I had an idea that something had happened, but how could I have guessed? I was having a dream, and I felt a muscle spasm where there never was a muscle before. That woke me up. And the more I lay there trying to get back to sleep, so this whole thing would go away, the more I couldn't, and the more obvious it was something about my body was different. The long hair under the back of my head was a giveaway. So were the boobs. Oh God.

So I started to investigate. I heard heavy footsteps in the room next door, where that Alia girl had been, and I found three guys in there, and they explained it all. Two of the guys had been there before, and the other guy was Alia, she'd been changed just like me. I guess they all had, but I found out later, the other guys had been changed back. Which is comforting I guess, but for now it doesn't do me much good because I can't get my mind off how different my body is.

So while people were running around in a panic, this chubby lady and a thin guy call a meeting, and they explain to everyone else what Todd already told me. Everyone starts to freak out a bit more. "Who did this? How? Why?" People break down in tears, they pace frantically. I try to keep my cool, but frankly it's very hard because all I want to do is look at my new face. I decided to bite the bullet and look for a "letter" Todd told me I'd probably find.

It was only three pages long, and the girl who wrote it wasn't all that good at composing her thoughts. Her name, which I guess is my name now, was Victoria Pearce. Tori. She's 22 years old, which is a few years younger than me. I'd find that interesting, if it weren't for the fact that I'm a woman either way right now. I tried to comfort myself saying the seemingly random nature of these changes could've made me someone a lot worse, because honestly, and God I shudder to say this, but... Tori's kind of hot. Oh God.

This long dark hair is driving me crazy. I couldn't bring myself to look at this body naked. I did have to change into some of Tori's clothes eventually. I looked through the luggage, it felt like it was mocking me... tight little panties tops that reveal cleavage... will I someday feel comfortable in these clothes? I hope not. But have I got a choice? I wore a hoodie and some shorts.

Immediate needs settled my head began to throb thinking about how serious of a problem this was. Living somebody else's life - somebody else in mine! I can't explain myself to anyone. They're going to expect me to be a girl. What does that even mean? If I just act like myself, but having boobs (and other things?) is that good enough? How am I supposed to pretend to be Tori? I don't know what she's like.

I wanted to call Justin, tell him everything. I tried, and got his voicemail, but before saying anything, I panicked and hung up. All he would've heard is some girl rambling about transformations. He called back twice but I couldn't bring myself to answer. Then he came by.

Fuck! you do not know what misery is until your lifelong friend looks at you like someone he's never seen before, even almost like a piece of meat. He gave me the eye, I could tell. I hope he's not cheating on Randi. He asked me where I was -- where "Cliff" was, and I stammered and said I didn't know, and he got all pissy and drove off.

That was when I realized how fucked I was. That this is real, and I can't go back, not for a long time anyway. And everywhere I go, every time I catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror or a window, I feel so embarrassed. Humiliated. Helpless.

I'll tell you more about Tori's life later, I guess. I'm exhausted just trying to remember all that, trying to get it down. I'm not made for this. All I can do right now is sit around fixating on how awful everything is.

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