Judging by the fact that he was the entire reason I went to Maine - no simple feat from Toronto, quite honestly - you can assume how important Todd is to me. Not just as a boyfriend, as someone I loved spending time with, but as an influence on the person I am. As many times as he has hurt me over the years, I will never want to rid my life of him, I think, because a lot about the person I became when I branched out on my own was thanks to him.
I've talked a bit about this before the transformation. In our first year of University, I was struggling against my perception of myself... I had always been a shy, quiet, well-behaved smart girl. Certain things are expected of a girl of my upbringing, not that my parents are, like, millionaires, but they were well off and I did well in school. So I didn't party in high school, I didn't drink, my friends and I mainly got together on Saturday nights to watch movies and play board games. I was also quite sheltered - stuck in a comfort zone, and I hated it.
Todd was the one who broke down that sheltered and made it a point to show me how to have fun. I didn't understand what he liked about me, until I realized he really wanted to date someone smarter then himself, and maybe I could influence him as much as he did me. And I think I did, although I was really very disappointed when he dropped out. I think he regrets that, and I hope when he gets back to Toronto he does something about it
So, whereas I didn't know much about music and movies before Todd, he's shown me a lot of interesting things. So I titled this entry after a Beck song, because he's an artist Todd and I both always enjoyed, and because, well, it fits. I've got some serious shit to sort out. And I'm not even talking about Rob's situation.
Before Todd wrote up this entry, we talked on MSN a while, and he told me exactly what had happened. He conveyed, as best as an MSN convo can, a great sense of guilt and remorse about what had happened between him and Donna.
It's always been complicated, between Todd and I... and certainly not being helped by our current situations.
Well, after a lot of frustrated temple-rubbing, I forgave the bastard. I feel like such a stupid girl for standing by the guy after something like that, like one of those politicians' wives who stand in the background while they give a press conference about all the prostitutes they've had sex with. Sometimes, I really hate myself for loving that guy.
I guess we just both... understand something about the situation. We were barely on speaking terms before he left for the States, and after "he" got back, we definitely weren't boyfriend and girlfriend, and I'm still angry about being made to believe that person was my Todd, because I was so unbelievably mad at him for ignoring me the way he did - like all "he" really wanted was to be my friend, and he tried at that but my feelings for him never went away. Putting that year out of my mind is going to be very hard.
So I slept with other guys, I did. I'll admit it. I slutted around for a little while, I'm not proud of it. It was my pathetic attempt at revenge but it turns out the only people I was hurting were myself, and a man who didn't deserve it (Todd, when I finally told him.) So I accepted the Donna thing as punishment, even though he claims not to have enjoyed it.
Part of me wants to be with him again. Part of me wants to drop everything in Philadelphia and run back to Toronto with him, but I know I can't do that. I've been given responsibilities here, and I don't want to fuck Roberto's life up too badly, if I can get out of it. Besides, as open-minded as Todd is, I think he's been given enough male attention lately. I know he probably seemed very bold about the whole thing on here, but when he opened up to me about it, it seemed very painful for him to recall. I can't be with him like this.
So I've made a decision. We've made a decision. This year doesn't count. Nor does last year. We'll find our way back to each other as soon as we can, but until then, we've got to live our lives and not worry about sexual politics. I still don't know if I'm going to do anything... or who I would want to do it with... I'm kind of just thinking of keeping my head down and living like a monk this year. And maybe he'll do the same. But whether that actually happens or not, we both know that we belong together, and when this is all over, we will be.
Besides, I've got bigger problems right now than who I, or anyone else, is fucking.
So that's it. The gist of it all is: we're not together, not right now, so we shouldn't act like we are, or feel guilty about anything we end up doing.
......I really hope this doesn't blow up in our faces. I'm feeling like an idiot for even typing it.
Well, here goes nothing.