Saturday, July 11, 2009

Cliff/Tori: The next steps

I've been hiding out this week. I feel like if I don't go out, don't leave this room, don't move, don't be seen, it isn't really real. As if I can just shut my eyes and won't feel female anymore. I haven't even felt like writing about it because that means facing it. But I can't avoid it, can I? I'm in this for the long haul.

I don't know anybody here, I don't have anything to do, I'm trapped. Hiding turned out to be the worst thing. I'm stuck in Tori's room, going through her things.

I guess she'd been through kind of an... upheaval in her life. She's 22, she was working as a hair stylist, but was fired from her salon. Unable to find a new job and running low on money, she moved back in with her parents. There are still a ton of moving boxes around here. I've looked through them for some clue as to who this girl is that I'm supposed to be. One box was full of old magazines. Vogue, Seventeen, that sort of thing. I feel like, if I flipped through them, I'd get some clue as to how to be Tori, but... I don't know. It doesn't interest me. Being a girl doesn't interest me, reading about hair and make-up and clothes definitely doesn't interest me.

Back on topic. Tori had packed up her life and moved in with her parents, and somehow met Roberto. I think her plan was to shack up with him after Maine, even though they hadn't known each other long. He must've seemed like a pretty stable guy, from what I've heard from Alia.

Yeah, I'm keeping in contact with Alia. She....... He was good enough to forgive me for making a pass at her when we first met. I feel really dumb about that. It really wasn't even my usual technique. I'm not that guy. Well, I'm not any guy right now. (God that was lame, I can't even laugh about this yet.)

So I've been sulking around the house all week, and Tori's mom and dad have kind of kept their distance, but I feel like they don't like it. I don't blame them I guess. As far as they can tell, their daughter seems like she's just given up on life, no drive to regain her job or even leave the house, or even speak to them. I've made small talk here and there, they're nice people, but I have yet to attempt a real conversation about this... arrangement. Like I said, I'm hiding, from them in particular.

Tori has two siblings. An older brother, Ken, who is obviously out of the house, and a younger sister, Mae, who is turning 16, and of course, lives here. I don't think she cares for Tori being back. So I've gotten the stinkeye from her at the dinner table too. I eat mostly in my room.

I don't know what to do. I've got to find something to do with myself. If I just sit here in this dim, box-filled room watching Seinfeld re-runs I'm going to go crazy (as if I haven't already.)

So right now my plan is to get out and find a job. I guess, you know, not a career or anything, just something I can do to earn some money while I'm here, to get me out of the house and keep my mind occupied. I don't care if I have to flip burgers or pour coffee or what. I'm a relatively smart, experienced man in a pretty good-looking girl's body. Someone's gotta want me.

But damn... where to start?


Anonymous said...

Not exactly the best economy in which go out and find a job. But good luck, anyway.

Anonymous said...

That really is tough. Good luck.

Just a thought. I don't know what Tori's relationship with her family had been like but there is a possible trap here. If you come across as too apathetic at home, her parents may conclude that she was fired for the same reason and start thinking of doling out some tough love.

My advice? Try not to spend too much time sitting alone in your room. Stay active.

jim said...

Don't get so worked up over the fact that you don't know enough about Tori to act like her. People will probably notice that "Tori" is acting different, but as long as you act reasonably normal and don't make waves, the disbelief aspect of the inn's curse will keep people from making too much of an issue over it.

If you don't want to act like a "girly girl", you don't have to. Just say that being fired from the salon has made you want to get away from the whole glamour scene for awhile (just don't go overboard in changing Tori's image).

Meanwhile, get out of the house, find a job, find some things to occupy your time and your mind so that you won't have your transformation on your mind all the time.

Cliff said...

Very true, Jim. My main concern is, how do I want to act, as Tori? I guess in a weird way it puts me in touch with the person I really am, penis or no.

jim said...

Here's a good starting point: what sorts of things do you already enjoy doing that would be seen as slightly tomboyish but not extremely tomboyish for a young woman to do? Or maybe some slightly tomboyish activities that you haven't done before, but always thought you might like to try (dabbling in something new would look normal for someone going through some personal self-examination after being fired from a job)? This will give you a "comfort zone" where you can be partly yourself without seeming too non-Tori.

Can you find anything among Tori's personal items that suggest even a hint of tomboyishness, that might also give you a direction in which to go?