I've been hiding out this week. I feel like if I don't go out, don't leave this room, don't move, don't be seen, it isn't really real. As if I can just shut my eyes and won't feel female anymore. I haven't even felt like writing about it because that means facing it. But I can't avoid it, can I? I'm in this for the long haul.
I don't know anybody here, I don't have anything to do, I'm trapped. Hiding turned out to be the worst thing. I'm stuck in Tori's room, going through her things.
I guess she'd been through kind of an... upheaval in her life. She's 22, she was working as a hair stylist, but was fired from her salon. Unable to find a new job and running low on money, she moved back in with her parents. There are still a ton of moving boxes around here. I've looked through them for some clue as to who this girl is that I'm supposed to be. One box was full of old magazines. Vogue, Seventeen, that sort of thing. I feel like, if I flipped through them, I'd get some clue as to how to be Tori, but... I don't know. It doesn't interest me. Being a girl doesn't interest me, reading about hair and make-up and clothes definitely doesn't interest me.
Back on topic. Tori had packed up her life and moved in with her parents, and somehow met Roberto. I think her plan was to shack up with him after Maine, even though they hadn't known each other long. He must've seemed like a pretty stable guy, from what I've heard from Alia.
Yeah, I'm keeping in contact with Alia. She....... He was good enough to forgive me for making a pass at her when we first met. I feel really dumb about that. It really wasn't even my usual technique. I'm not that guy. Well, I'm not any guy right now. (God that was lame, I can't even laugh about this yet.)
So I've been sulking around the house all week, and Tori's mom and dad have kind of kept their distance, but I feel like they don't like it. I don't blame them I guess. As far as they can tell, their daughter seems like she's just given up on life, no drive to regain her job or even leave the house, or even speak to them. I've made small talk here and there, they're nice people, but I have yet to attempt a real conversation about this... arrangement. Like I said, I'm hiding, from them in particular.
Tori has two siblings. An older brother, Ken, who is obviously out of the house, and a younger sister, Mae, who is turning 16, and of course, lives here. I don't think she cares for Tori being back. So I've gotten the stinkeye from her at the dinner table too. I eat mostly in my room.
I don't know what to do. I've got to find something to do with myself. If I just sit here in this dim, box-filled room watching Seinfeld re-runs I'm going to go crazy (as if I haven't already.)
So right now my plan is to get out and find a job. I guess, you know, not a career or anything, just something I can do to earn some money while I'm here, to get me out of the house and keep my mind occupied. I don't care if I have to flip burgers or pour coffee or what. I'm a relatively smart, experienced man in a pretty good-looking girl's body. Someone's gotta want me.
But damn... where to start?