Tori: Still looking

Both for some work, and now for a bit of peace of mind.

I don't like the idea that women are inherently more emotional than men. I was a really moody guy, but society didn't encourage me to show it. Since I've been a woman, I've cried plenty, but over things that I would've liked to feel okay crying about as a man. Since I am a woman, though, I now know there are certain things that set me off more than they would have as a man.

Last weekend, Mom and I ventured out to New Jersey for Jana's baby shower. Some of Jana's female friends, co-workers and relatives were there. The only one I had met before was Jana's mother, who I remembered from the wedding talking about how she always wanted a sister for Jana, a comment that baffled me then and unnerves me now. Jana has four brothers, all older, and her mother asked if I was single and thankfully the answer is no.

It was a nice event, I mingled some, but inevitably the large topic of conversation is babies. Up until now I've just thought of it as "Oh, I get to be Aunt Tori now, that's really cool." But suddenly I started thinking of it as "Someone I know is about to be a mom. Someone's gong to call her mom. And someday... it might happen to me."

I never thought about kids when I was Cliff. I spent all those years dating a woman who wouldn't let me see her naked. We talked about getting married, but it was always somehow in the future, and I was frankly afraid of proposing, for reasons that turned out to be very appropriate. I thought being a dad might be cool but it never really seemed to be a pressing question.

And the same has been true of my life as Tori. Sometimes I make the joke, when I get my period, "Another month of beating the odds" (not really since we're really good with birth control.) As serious as Alex and I are, I have definitely eased off the commitment gas pedal, because I am not "that girl." Maybe we'll get married, and I guess if we do, kids are an option. No stress. Take it easy.

But then I got to this party and talked to some of these women. Some were young, and were looking forward to getting pregnant in the near future. Some were older and had kids, and shared their stories. And then some of them... these older women who never had kids, who had this air of disappointment about them, because of it. Women who got to their Fifties, never married, and then gave up.

I'm not saying I think that'll be me. I'm not saying I'm worried about never having kids if I want them. I'm saying suddenly I'm aware of the pressure women put on themselves... how many women define themselves by reproducing! It's insane. And guys just don't. Motherhood is seen by a lot of women as this sacred, important duty, and fatherhood is just something that happens. I worry about other women thinking negatively of me if I choose not to... and I worry about if I somehow can't. I don't know. It was all very confusing.

Later, I wanted to talk to Alex about it, but I couldn't outright have a conversation about wanting kids. I didn't want to scare him or anything. I didn't even want to talk about that. I just wanted some kind of reassurance.

Instead, when I got home, I went over to his place and I asked if he had given any more thought to living together. I felt like maybe I could that as a way of reassuring myself about the future.

"I have," he said. "I just don't see the rush. We're good the way we are, aren't we? We don't need to make it a big financial thing. You're a smart, independent woman. You don't need to depend on me."

I had absolutely no idea what he was going on about, whether it was my independence or his that he was really talking about. I spent all day imagining what it would be like to grow a person inside me, and then had to realize that my long term boyfriend doesn't think much of co-habitation.

I had a good cry that night.

The next day, I had a couple of job interviews. Sure, I'm in emotional turmoil, but I had to look good for my interviews. Straighten your hair, put on some eyeliner, perk up your boobs and wear some heels that make your butt look good: chances are, even if the interviewer isn't a man, they'll appreciate the effort.

Since none of the corporate jobs I envisioned are really hiring, I widened my search to the retail sector. I need to pay bills, even if it's bagging groceries. Fortunately, I won't be doing that. I got a job selling phones at the mall. I made it a point to do as much research as I could before I applied, and I think the owner (a man) liked the idea of getting some eye candy who could actually sell the phones. I start tomorrow, but I'm only booked for about 12 hours a week for the probation period, which means I'm still not covering everything.

Still... it'll keep my head above water for a bit longer.

Greg/Alexis: Girl Talk

So I've been kind of depressed this past week, not like Zane is depressed where Clara's body is chemically imbalanced, but sad to the point of not wanting to do anything else but stay in bed and watch TV. I mean, I go to work and everything because I dont want to get fired with 3 months left here and having to figure out how to eat. Fortunately my job allows me to browse reddit all day and people barely noticed I wasn't in a good mood.

I guess its easy not to notice your bosses mood if they barely talk to you during the day, but at home it was a different story. Malinda had been extra nice to me, at least by comparison. There wasnt any coldness and she let me sleep in the master bedroom the whole week. She had read about my forced break up and apparently decided to let me be.

At least until Sunday, when I had just spent most of the weekend in bed eating Pringles and watching VH1 when Malinda came in, sat on top of the covers next to me, and held up a Pringles can to shake the dust out of it.

"Careful with these, you dont want to get that body fat before you give it back"

"I'm more than a few Pringles away from being considered 'fat'" I grumbled

"You'd think so, but women's bodies gain wait differently" she said trying to sound helpful

"I've been a woman for 3 years. Various types of women. This body is by far the most efficient" I said sounding a little proud

"Maybe" she began "But isnt that because you always go to the gym. Don't you normally go to the gym on Sunday's?"

"I did" I said sadly. "With Annabelle"

"Ah, she got the gym in the breakup" she said understandingly "Do you wanna talk about it?"

"Are you just gonna make snide remarks about gay people?" I asked a little meanly

She hung her head a little bit "No, I promise"

So what started with me just talking about all the things I'd have to change to avoid Annabelle evolved into a rant about the difficulties of finding love when your doomed to be living someone elses life. The whole time she was really supportive and understanding.

"I feel really bad for you." she sympathized "Three years away from your friends and family. I've been away from mine for 9 months and I miss them like crazy."

It was then that we both realized that it was Mother's day. So we called our respective body's mothers and told them that we loved them and listened to updates on family members we've never met and gave fake updates on how our lives were going before hanging up and still feeling sad.

"I've got an idea" Malinda said picking up my laptop

She went to a flower delivery website and typed in the Address for a Grace Cunningham of Highland Park Texas.

"Your Mom?" I guessed

"Yep. Im sending her anonymous flowers with a card saying "you are loved" now give me your credit card and I'll do the same.

This was a surprisingly sweet idea so I didnt mind that the bouquets cost about 100 dollars each for rush delivery on Mother's Day, since Ellen Schmidt of Winnetka, Illinois got flowers from her loving son, even if she didn't know they were from him and she thinks he's off being a jerk. Also, it made me feel a whole lot better. Good enough to shower and go downstairs and drink on the patio with Malinda.

"I feel kinda of bad for them" she said referring to the real Sharon and Alex "If we hadn't taken their lives they'd be well on their way to being mom's right now"

"Yeah, and that body would be the one getting fat" I teased.

"No thank you" she said sucking her belly in "Lesbian or not, I'm not having kids for a few more years. What about you, do you want kids?"

I thought about it for a moment "I don't know if I get a say in that. I suppose I could be in the body of a pregnant woman this fall. Besides, technically I had a kid last year. He was like 22 or something. He never called. Not even on Mother's day"

"Well that life is behind you" she said raising her glass "Here's to a better one next year.

We chatted for a little while longer, my spirits lifted and at the end of the night I thanked her for being so nice.

"No problem" she said "Last thing we need is for you to get depressed, lose your job, and we have to make a living selling stuff that I paint.

"We could sell some of the paintings that are already down there"

"Mabye" she said "But I doubt theres much of a market for paintings of you"

"What?" I asked

"Well not you, Alex. There's tons of them down there. She's Sharon's inspiration I guess. Even a few naked ones" she giggled

"Bullshit"

"Nuh-Uh,I'll show you"

She led me to the studio which we've been using for storage mostly and started going through a crate of finished canvasses. She finally found the one she was looking for and held it up.

I instantly burst into laughter. I mean, that's really the only thing you can do when you see yourself painted naked, right? In reality it was a pretty good painting, very good attention to detail and pretty flattering. You can tell Sharon intended to show Alex as she saw her.

"My boobs are bigger than that" I joked

"So's your butt" Malinda taunted

In put my hands on it, knowing she was a little right.

"Aww, dont feel bad, I was just joking" she said trying to salvage my body image issues.

We laughed it off and headed back upstairs and talked a little while longer. Before we went to bed she casually said "There are other gyms you know, if you need someone to go with we can go together"

"I'd like that" I said smiling. "Are we friends again?"

"For now" she said with a smile "Who knows, you might even pick up another girlfriend"

I think she was teasing me with that last part but the fact that there wasn't the usual homophobia attached makes me think she's mellowed out a bit. And if not its only a few more months.

-Greg

Zane Clara: Bad at it.

Every time for the last month, when I try to write in this stupid blog, I get a headache. Whenever I think too hard about what's going on it just fucks me up and I can't keep typing. I want to talk about what I've done and why I'm doing it and why it feels good, but I just can't. You guys kinda know me a bit, right? I'm not that smart. I can't deal with this. But even idiots like me need to live their lives, need to make choices.

I started sleeping with Wes in March. I made that decision a long time ago. Honestly, the first time I met him I thought "If I was into guys I'd like this dude." Then I thought "Hey I guess I kind of am into guys." And then he told me he'd help me out with some money if I just let him... well...

He said he was just doing me a favour, that we were getting really close and he wanted to use his money to help me, but we know what the real deal was. He wanted to control me. All those nice dinners (which I didn't eat because I hardly never eat) and wine and champagne, all those dresses he bought me which I only wear for him. Those long looks... and I knew if I didn't let him in, the money, Clara's medicine, and MY TRIP could be gone.

No, I couldn't handle it at first. It was too real. I drank, and it reacted bad with my drugs. Just talking about that with him... admitting to him I was a fucked up person and that he should probably find someone else... was so hard, because I don't remember the last time I had that kind of conversation. But he stuck with me and it was worth it.

I remember lowering myself onto his cock for the first time like I was slipping into a hot tub. It was good, and not... and it takes a while to go from bad too good, and then it gets great, and then... it stops.

You guys... he is not good at sex.

I've fucked him, I don't know, three times a week for a month and a half. And I'm pretty sure he's just bad at it. At first I thought it was because I wasn't used to it. I didn't know how I was supposed to feel about having this thing inside me because I won't even use tampons or a dildo when I play with myself. I tried to get into it, to bounce extra hard when I was on top, but he just kept drilling like a fucking jackhammer when all I wanted was something... I dunno, softer, more delicate. I'm starting to "get" women, which is weird since I've been one for so long now. He never does foreplay, never eats me out, he can hardly even last, he always wants to come on my chest.

I thought maybe it was just this body... that after all the anti-depressants and alcohol and just generally feeling like shit, maybe Clara was broken down there, but when I finally got the guts to really get "in there" myself, I found that, yeah, oh wow, everything felt good. Some nights I can feel myself just starting to get into it, but then he finishes.

I don't want to talk about some of the other stuff I've had to do for him, specifically, but it basically amounts to: he picks me up, we talk and pretend like we're going out, maybe share a meal or a coffee, find ourselves back at his place, and start going at it. I thought it was going to be really passionate, with kissing and cuddling and stuff... and I dunno why I'm disappointed it's not like that, but it seems very mechanical. Then when my boredom starts to show, I have to start pretending like I'm really into it, making all the moaning noises I would want to hear if I was the guy, so he doesn't realize how badly it's going and cancel our deal.

I also feel like everyone in the house can tell. They think I'm a slut. Why is it so stressful doing something I thought I was supposed to like? I never asked to be a girl, never wanted to look at a guy that way, but I do, and I have this guy who obviously likes doing it with me, why is it so lame? Now I realize why chicks don't wanna bang every guy they meet... ugh.

I just need to hang in there another month or so.

Greg/Alexis: Breaking Up and Breaking Off

In Canada I learned some valuable lessons, just not the ones I had hoped to learn. I arrived with the hope of becoming an expert at living somebody elses life only to leave with the warning that if you're not careful the inn could turn you into somebody who doesn't care at all. Now I'm left trying to figure out the balance on my own. One thing I did learn and decide on probably before even going up there was clear: I was going to have to end my affair with Annabelle.

Yesterday I told her to meet me for coffee at Starbucks, which is something we never do. Normally we go out of drinks and neither of us goes to Starbucks ever. I did this because if there was a great big scene I didn't want to be known as "the girl who fought her girlfriend really loudly" at a place I frequent.

She was there first, sitting at a table sipping on some frozen coffee thing. When she saw me she held it up.

"This is terrible. Why did you want to meet at this place again? she asked

"Change of pace" I said quickly sitting down

"Whatever" she said "You arent going to believe what happened at the gym while you were in Canada--" she began

"We need to talk" I interrupted, feeling nervous and awkward. My abruptness made her face change, alerting her that something was up.

"Go ahead" she said nervously

"We need to stop....doing what we've been doing. Sleeping together. Sharon and I are going to try to patch things up" I figured that was true on several levels and a great rationale.

"She's gonna treat you like garbage again. You'll just fight more. You two have really grown apart lately" she told me as if I should know already.

"I shouldn't have cheated on her" I began "When I should have been working on my marriage I stepped out of it and I shouldn't have involved you. It just happened because we were such close friends. You really meant a lot to me these past few--"

"Spare me" she said in a voice that was both angry and sad "It was just sex to you. She was holding out on you and you got hornier and hornier, I could tell. I knew where it was going all I had to do was wait for you to say yes."

I hung my head. That was a little surprising. She was pretty intuitive. "I'm sorry I used you" not even bothering to defend my actions anymore, just wanting the moment to be over.

She sighed and shook her head "It's college all over again"

That remark confused me, and I called the real Alexis today to tell her what happened and got the back story. Apparently Alexis and Annabelle were floormates their freshmen year in college. They met on the first day and within a week came out to each other. This was 10 years ago or so when it wasn't as cool to be gay as it was back then, so they went to a lot of student organizations together and relied upon each other for support. Apparently Annabelle developed a crush on Alexis.

Alex always knew but didn't love her like that so they just stayed friends. Eventually Alexis and Sharon became friends and a couple months later Sharon came out of the closet and they lived happily ever after and Annabelle in the friend zone.

Until this year, when her old crush has marital troubles and looks to her for friendship and advice and eventually more. Getting her hopes up only to pull the rug out a few months later. So yeah, I messed up this woman's life.

I stood up and paid for her coffee. "Its probably best if we didn't hang out for awhile" I said quietly and she agreed. It wasn't what I wanted, but the level of awkward between the two of them and the healing required is going to be longer term than I'm able to do since I'm leaving Burlington in August. The real Alexis can start the road to friendship again when they're ready.

I left the Starbucks thinking it went well, but no sooner had I pulled down the street in the Ranger Rover than I started to tear up. I tried to keep my emotions in check while driving but when I got home Malinda wasn't there which was good because I ran up to the bedroom, buried my face in the pillow and started sobbing.

I was the one who had messed things up, so what right did I have to feel so bad? This wasn't even the first time I have broken off a relationship in another person's life, I did it last year when I let my friend with benefit down easy. This somehow felt different. It wasn't just sex to me. Annabelle was a good friend to me and my my transition into this life easier. We started having sex not because I was so horny, but because we were close enough to be intimate with each other.

In another life, I could see Annabelle and I together. Of course not my old life, I'd have to be a lesbian in that life too, just not married to another woman. It was like getting a glimpse of finding out what the life would have been like before having to give it up not because of my relationship with her, but because of my body's relationship with someone else, hurting us both in the process.

I cried a little at work today but I'm slowly getting over it. Is this going to be a yearly occurrence? Am I going to get attached to someone only to have to say good bye? Is that why Fletcher is such a douche, becuase he's spent a few decades not being able to connect with somebody long term?

As usual with the Inn, ever answer brings three more questions

-Greg

Greg/Alexis: Traveling (wo)Man

I'm back in Vermont now, so if anyone is worried that I ran away, I didn't. Tori was confused by the end of my lest post and sent me a frantic email. I regret ending the last post the way I did but I was tired and the Hotel Wi-Fi is spotty.



I left Bangor that morning and drove east over the border to Fredericton, New Brunswick. It's a good thing I grabbed Alex's passport, because you need one to go to Canada these days. (Little FYI for all of you out there, the law changed a few years back).



Fredericton is a nice city, not huge and pretty. But I wasn't there for sightseeing, I was there to speak to Tanya Kearns, or at least the person who appeared to be Tanya Kearns, who's real name is Fletcher.



Fletcher, if you havent been paying close attention, is a Traveler, someone who goes to the inn over and over again to get a new body. Which is what I've become by default. He met Alia "Sam/Max/Ellie" back in 2010, when he was part of an old married couple. Alia's post mentioning him and the concept of "traveling" is what convinced me to break out of my depression and start blogging again.


Anyway, Tanya was the sister of Melanie, who was the girlfriend of Max. This summer a guy named Roger had his old body stolen and Fletcher worked it so he wound up in Max's and in the process, he wound up in Tanya's. Everyone got that? Good. It's confusing as hell so if you have to re read it, go ahead.


Anyway, I had wriggled Tanya's contact info out of "Ellie" and had her meet me in the bar of the hotel I was staying at. I had sent her a pic on her phone so she'd know how to find me.


I was on my second drink when a girl started waving at me from across the bar. She was just as described on the blog, I think. Brunette with blonde streaks, with a body type that could be described as "fluffy." I mean, after spending a year as Dee, I'm hesitant to call ANY other woman fat, but this girl was muffintopping - and I guess, to her credit, she wasn't ashamed of it. She was dressed in a way that didn't suggest "a former man embarrassed of his female body," with a mini-skirt halfway up her thigh (in chilly Canadian weather!) and spaghetti strap top - which did not conceal her pink bra; a push-up number. She waved me over to a booth once we were certain we knew each other.


"Alexis?" she asked, and then said "Or is it 'Alexis'" this time with finger-quotes.


"It's more like the second one," I told her, "But you don't have to do the fingers. I just won't be Alexis much
longer."


She looked me up and down. I was wearing khaki slacks and a green blouse. "So you're a lesbian, right? I can tell from the hair."


I was a bit put off by the small talk, but I admitted "Yeah, after a few years of really girly bodies, it was nice to do something more comfortable."


She said, "Dyke style. I like it." I gritted my teeth instead of objecting out loud. She continued.


"Well I'd say you seem a bit uptight but I've read your recent activities and it doesn't seem like you need to loosen up any more than you already did... if you know what I mean. Gotta say, it's true, nobody knows a woman's body like another woman. I bet you really liked that."


"Yeah," I said, squirming in my seat. Talking on the blog is one thing, but being grilled about my sex life in person really made me uncomfortable. "Sounds like you know something about that."


She smiled that really evil smile of hers. Based on descriptions of her previous bodies, it must be the person inside, not the girl herself. "I'm an adventurous type," she said, sipping her beer. "And I've had a lot of opportunities, since I've been in a lot of bodies."


"How many?"


"That's a trade secret." She didn't seem to want to talk too much about her past. "But if you think it's shocking to be a lesbo, you should try being a gay dude. Especially one that's married to a chick and doesn't even tell you he likes dudes." She paused. "So what can I do for you?"


"I just want advice. You go back to the inn all the time... how do you manage these peoples' lives without totally destroying them?"


"Oh honey," she said in a patronizing tone, placing her hand on my shoulder, "There's your first mistake. Worrying about something like destroying a person's life."


"You mean you just do as you please?"


"I do what's best. I have the body. If I'm in a situation where I want something, I take it, and I don't think twice."


"But don't you worry about giving these people their lives back? Making it easy, so they can pick up where they left off?"


"I don't take requests, babe. I do what I think is right, but right for me. I don't like being controlled."


"Must be nice for you to be able to think that way," I said bitterly, "Was your old life ever wrecked?"


She got this faraway look in her eyes, like something really spooky was going through her mind, and she said quietly, "My old, old, old first life? The person I started out as? One day I got the call that that person had to make a choice, a choice I knew I couldn't have made, and when that decision was final, I knew there was no going back. I didn't blame him for what he had to do, it just showed me that you can really only move forward."


"I didn't have to ruin Alex's life, though. I didn't need to see Annabelle."


"If you're trying to keep everything in mint condition, then you fucked up the minute you stepped into Alexis' shoes. The minute you met Annabelle, the minute you planted the idea in her head that Alexis was an option for her, it was done. Because that probably wouldn't have happened to the real Alexis, but it did. It's not your fault, it’s hers for liking you."


"Hey," I started to get really mad, "I'm not blaming Annabelle for this!"


"Well you're not the one to blame either, hon. It's not natural to deny yourself happiness, to suffer so someone else can maintain their stupid comfort zone. You don't last as long in life as I have by playing it safe. You keep going back long enough, you realize some things can't be helped. Don't be a hero, girl."


I said quietly, into my drink, "I don't think I want to be like you."


She smiled. Instead of taking offense, I think she understood. "Your loss."


I sighed and changed the subject. "I just hope my next body is something easy. Like a regular boring married guy."


"Anything's possible," she shrugged, taking another drink, "But with your shitty-ass luck, you'll end up a 5-year-old girl with parents who wanna keep you from going back."


"Oh God, that sounds like a nightmare!"


She smiled "Happened to a buddy of mine. Just turned 12, poor kid." She gave me advice on what to do if something extreme happens: if I end up as a kid, or old. She also said not to worry if I didn't go back every year. "I'm not saying get too comfortable, but some bodies are worth keeping a while. I think I'm gonna stay here this summer."


I didn't say anything but I must have had a disbelieving face on. "Oh don't be such a bitch. It's got a few more pounds and more miles on the odometer than a body this age should, but some of the boys love it, and it's lower maintenance than some skinny bitch who only eats lettuce."


I thanked her for her time, and told her I was going to go to the ladies' room, then head back to my hotel. When I got out of the stall, she was waiting for me by the sink.


"Now hold up," she said. "You're telling me you came all this way, and all you wanted was to talk?"


"Yeah, pretty much."


"I'm insulted," she said mockingly. "With all your lady-troubles, you'd pass up a shot at some no-consequences girl on girl? I bet you eat pussy like a champ now, and don't even pretend like you haven't been ogling my tits all night."


"Don't flatter yourself. Between Annabelle, Malinda, and myself, you've got the fourth best set of tits I've seen lately. I never thought I'd say this, but I have enough women on my case nowadays. Besides, aren't you straight, not gay?"


She smiled that evil grin again, "I don't know what those words mean anymore."


As we parted at the exit, she turned to me and said "Last piece of advice before you go: Don't be too trusting. The inn makes it really easy to lie, even to other people that go. I'm one of the good ones, but there's others, people that really know how to fuck a person over."


That was something I had never considered before, and stuck with me the whole way home. I thanked her for that, and laughed to myself about her being one of the "good ones." She shook my hand and went back inside, saying "Well, time to go get laid." Charming.




Back in the hotel room I thought about what she had said. I didnt want to become some disaffected hedonist who did whatever felt good with someone elses life, but I also didn't like the idea of being constrained by every little rule they had. I resolved to find a happy medium and be a better Traveler than Fletcher, even if that meant breaking things off with Annabelle and continuing my marriage illusion to Malinda.


I took the long way home and paid for it, the weather was a bitch in the northeast last weekend and it took me 3 days to get back to Burlington.


When I got back to the condo I put my luggage at the door and went upstairs to collapse on the bed. Malinda was in the master bedroom already and when she sighed and her face was almost reassured "You're back" she whispered


"Yep" I said "Someone's gotta earn the money"


She smiled. "I should thank you for that, by the way" she said "I dont know if I ever have before."


I gave her a puzzled look "No problem"


"I've been sleeping in the bed, I can move if you need it" she offered.


"Nah, I'll sleep on the couch. We'll trade off later" I told her, repaying her kindess.


As I was leaving she spat out "Sorry I hit you"


"It's ok, sorry I rubbed the whole gay thing in your face. I know it's a big shock"


"This whole thing is a big shock, and all youve ever done is try to help me through it. I hope you know I appreciate it even if I dont show it"


So now I'm on my couch and Malinda is pleasant again. We've got 2 or 3 months left in these bodies, lets hope things stay that way.


-Greg.

Tori: Visit Part 2

On Saturday, Karen/Tori proposed taking me on a walking tour of Philly. I said I've lived here for almost three years, I know a bit about Philly, and she said "Yeah, but you never had someone walk you around it who really knew it." I had to admit, there was a point, and I later figured out it was as much for her, so she could reminisce. We walked by some of her old favorite bars, high school hangouts, the hairdresser where she used to work, restaurants she liked. Suddenyl she was putting stories and meanigns behind all these places that I had passed by and never thought about. By the end, she was getting a bit quiet. It was the introduction to "Tori" I never got, a few years too late. Who knows what my life might've been like if I had her holding my hand through those early days. I can only imagine how it would've looked, if I had her to teach me to be Tori, instead of trying to learn to be myself.

That night, Alex and I were going to dinner at my parents -- her parents. Of course I invited her along, and she seemed excited, but at the last minute, she decided to stay in. "I didn't plan on seeing them... I think it would be too much." Okay, I said, but this might be the only chance she has to see the people that raised her. It didn't seem to matter to her.

After dinner, Alex was driving me home. "Maybe you should go back to your place tonight," I said in a moment of remarkable foresight. "Karen and I are probably going to have to talk about stuff."

"Wouldn't you want me there for backup?"

"It's girl stuff sweetie," I said, kissing him. "I'll see you tomorrow."

I went upstairs to find... and empty apartment. I had a text on my phone saying "Hey Cliff, went to the club, join us when ur done bein lame!!!" I resented her using my old name, so I waited up a while. I was stewing in my anger so much I needed to shower to cool down.

Karen came in alone, obviously still drunk. "Hey, why didn't you come? You would've loved it. Guys everywhere."

"I have a boyfriend," I said bitterly.

"So?"

"Where's Raine?"

"She went on a booty call. Same old Raine. Not like everything else around here... what the hell are you doing with my life?"

"Excuse me?"

"I was so hot! I had so much going on, and now look at you... what do you weigh, 160?"

"140, at the most! God! Tori, you're a superficial bitch!"

"Oh really, Cliff? Look who's using my sexy body to bang nerdy boys because she's afraid she can't do better. You fucking... tomboy lesbian slut hag! I bet when you had a cock, you always wanted to trade it in. How do you think your boyfriend would feel if he knew you used to have a dick?"

I felt my fist clench. I've hit a girl before. I nearly did it again. Instead, I just looked her in the eye, and I did something much worse.

I told her, "Your family loves me."

She sneered, "They don't know you."

"Yeah," I said, "They do. I lived with them for a year. At first I was trying to be you, and tiptoed around and never talked to them, but I gave up on that and I just decided to do everything the way I would, if I was... if I was a girl. And you know what they tell me? Tori, you've really grown up. You've become such an amazing person."

I regretted it as soon as it was out of my mouth. It was over the line. I could call her a bitch or a slut and she would shrug it off, but I took it even further. I had a right to be mad. She was talking shit about how I would never be a real girl and how I wasn't a man either, and I... I needed to grab onto one thing I knew I had better than her, something I had done right since being Tori. Instead of explaining to her that it didn't matter I used to be a guy, I fought back, and it didn't feel good.

She sunk down to the couch, bawling with tears. After all these years, I'm still not comfortable around crying women, even though I've been one myself. All I could do was watch for a while, before snapping out of it, "Oh God, oh God I'm so sorry, oh Jesus... I didn't mean that, I didn't mean to say it..." completely forgetting the awful stuff she had just said to me.

As she cried, I continued talking. "Tori, I know for you, being a girl is all about looks and guys, but for me, this is something else. I don't care about my weight or make-up so long as the person I love loves me back. And I know people don't always get along with their parents... my dad practically hated me because I was into computers instead of football. My brother served in Iraq, I couldn't compare. I wanted your parents to like me so much... but more importantly, I wanted to be someone I liked being. And that's why they like... uh, why they think that about me. They can see I'm happy."

She sat up. Tears were still in her eyes, but she wiped them away. "I think I get it. I was a screw up, Cliff. I was an unemployed hairdresser who moved back home and dated older men. They loved me... they were annoying, but they loved me. I just wish I had that back, because I don't even know Karen's parents. There's nobody around to see that I've got my life together now. I wanted to go to dinner with them... but I got the call today. I didn't get the job. I'm still just a fill-in reporter."

I felt a bit more comfortable sitting next to her. I rubbed her back and she rested her head on my shoulder. "Hey," I laughed, "I'm unemployed. I'm still a screw up. I wish I could bring you to your parents and tell them to be proud of you... but you know they would be, okay? You're doing great."

"Uh huh," she sniffled.

I feel like Karen's my sister. We don't really see eye to eye, but we share something personal, something that we can never get rid of, no matter how we feel, no matter how crazy we get. The last thing I said to her that night was "By the way... never call me Cliff again, okay? I'm really not him."

She looked at me, and nodded "I think I understand... You're Tori."

She threw her arms around me and we got cleaned up and went to our respective beds. It was more complicated than that... it was a long, emotional, drunken conversation that didn't happen exactly as I've written it, but I've given you the gist of what we discussed. I think we reached an understanding.

I went to bed trying to grasp what I had actually just said: "I'm not Cliff." As much as I want that to be true, I still have almost 30 years in my head of answering to that name. And they weren't all bad. I think I stay on this blog because if I don't, all my memories of being him will just sit gathering dust. They're not useful to me anymore, but I can't get rid of them. I can't clear out my cache so that only the last 3 years remain. I can't talk to anyone around me about my old life... even when I can, I don't want to, exactly because I worry about trying to connect those old memories with this new life. So I want to thank you, strangers on the internet... for letting me remember, but also keep those memories distant.

Alex and I drove Karen to the airport the next morning. I walked with her through the airport. The last thing she said was "It might be a good thing I'm staying in Louisville. There's a really cute guy who's been trying to get my attention."

"I thought you were dating around?"

"He's special. I stayed away because he's the kind of guy you get serious about. And I was scared to try, because I thought I might be moving back here. But I see you and Alex together... hell, I heard you together... it makes me want that."

I hugged her goodbye and stayed to watch her plane take off. When Alex and I started to drive off, he asked me what I wanted to do for lunch.

I smiled and felt the skin on my midsection. "I wanna find the best cheeseburger in Philly."

Alex grinned a big goofy smile "That's why I love you."

I gave him a good long kiss and said "That's why I love me too."

Tori: A visit... From Tori pt1

So. Since losing my job I've sent out my resume to nearly a dozen businesses I'd be suited for, most of which aren't hiring right now, but will be "happy" to keep me on file. Fine, I get it, the marketplace is tough. I'm trying not to get discouraged, but it's looking like I'll have to broaden my search, maybe even go back to retail or (please no) waitressing just to make a buck. It gives me a headache to even think about. And that's not the only thing that gave me a headache this weekend.

Around the time I found out I was getting fired, I got an email from the real Tori. Since Willie had contacted me a few months ago, I thought the two were somehow connected, but that's not the case. Tori, as you might remember, became Karen Costas, an intern and aspiring weathergirl at a local Louisville network affiliate. We hadn't spoken seriously since she gave me her permission to stay in her body... which was a weird conversation. I mean, I just read the post I wrote about it back in the day. I remember crying my eyes out, I remember being mad... but when I had all the words put out in front of me, it seems really stupid that I got mad at her. I lashed out because I needed a target. And for years since, I avoided her because I was worried about bad blood, but there really was no wrongdoing. We got in a bad situation, and honestly, she was very accommodating. But I felt sensitive, and being perfectly happy to stay where she was just hit me wrong. I don't know. Nobody said being a girl had to make sense. I still don't get "us," years later.

So I was suspicious and confused when she e-mailed me, out of the blue, like we were always buddies, asking to stay with me for a weekend in April. See, Tori -- KAREN -- had really gotten into this TV career path, but there was only so much she could do in Kentucky. Fortunately, as a "southern beauty with a northern accent" (as she put it,) she had a lot of interest in her demo reel, so when she was called up for a potential job offer in Philly, she was excited to work close to her roots.

I... hated this idea. I've gotten very used to my life, and for some reason, having the former inhabitant of this body around the judge what I'm doing with it doesn't sound good. Ever since Alia left, nobody in a hundred miles knows I used to be a guy, and I like it that way. I was worried that having her around might set me back somehow to "Cliff" mode, and then... I don't know. Some days I still have to remind myself that I came to terms with the transformation years ago. I know I seem really confident, but doubts creep in. I just have to remind myself how nice my life is.

Still, I couldn't exactly turn Karen down when she asked to stay. It was the least I could do, and I let myself think it could just be a fun visit.

She got into town on Friday morning. After Raine left for work, I had her come by to drop off her stuff. Now, I wasn't trying to sneak her in - I told Raine we'd be having a guest - but I guess I wasn't comfy "introducing them" yet. I wanted a chance to confer with Karen "out of character."

When she arrived, the first thing she did upon seeing me was squeal "Holy crap, you're a blonde!" I blushed. She was enthusiastic, as she never thought "she" could pull it off. I even ended up getting my roots touched up when I found out she was coming. She had a few comments about the place, how it seemed kind of cramped and a bit of a mess. I pointed out when I became Tori, she was living with her parents and her room was a disaster, and she just smiled and said "touche."

I remembered thinking she was attractive when I last met her. Now I think she's gorgeous, which is weird... I would've thought my opinion would be more neutral over time, not less, but I was really impressed by her appearance. I think at that time I was tired of even looking at other women, and now I sort of appreciate what women do with their bodies, respect how much upkeep a look like that requires. No doubt, with my body, I could be gorgeous every day of the week, but I tend to dress down because it suits my personality. Also, she's just a force... being around TV people seems to have influenced her entire personality: she's all energy, she talks excitedly, and enunciates.

She was thrilled to be "back home," talking about how it was bringing back memories. I told her how I've been back to Buffalo a few times since I was Cliff, and when I got there it was like I never left. What I didn't mention was how strange it is walking around your childhood hometown with a different set of parts.

"Okay tell me," she said, "Are you really dating a guy?"

"Uh, yep," I said, a bit taken aback. "He's, like, a real guy and everything."

"That's crazy!" She punched my arm. "Oh my God! Like, the last time I saw you, you were what, still pretty much a guy in your head, right? I remember you were still a bit weird on the whole girl thing. Bet you never thought you'd turn out like this."

I expected this sort of talk, but I still wasn't sure what to say. I just kinda laughed it off, "Well, after a while it seemed like a good idea. Better than being alone."

"Was it weird, looking at a guy like that?"

"The weirdest thing in my life was looking in the mirror and seeing this. After that happened... nothing seems off-limits, you know?" She nodded, although I think she's still pretty hung up on the idea of me, the ex-guy, being as committed to dating a man as her, the "natural"-girl. I have to say, no matter how comfortable I am, I'm still way better at it than I was at dating girls.

I turned the conversation around and asked her about Gary. When she first became Karen, she was with Rob, but Rob went back and I never heard the end of the story. He and I have never spoken. I think maybe he's weirded out by me, and I don't mind avoiding him.

She kind of glossed over it. "After Rob went back, this chick became Gary, and she wasn't into the fake marriage thing... I tried to explain it was a good deal, but whatever, he was a bitch inside. We got a divorce - Gary and Karen had a prenup so it was no big deal. But that meant goodbye to the fabulous lifestyle, hence looking for new work. Last I heard he was dating some woman."

"Oh that sucks, I'm sorry to hear that."

"I've dated around a bit, but nobody I wanted to stay with, y'know? Too many awesome guys out there to stop looking and settle down."

I wanted to argue a bit, since I've been with Alex nearly a year now, there's something to be said for stability. But I guess when you grow up being Tori, you might take for granted that someone's always going to want you, so you can treat your boyfriends like disposable accessories. I, on the other hand, was alone for so long... well let's just say I'm glad I found Alex. Tori and I just have very different takes on dating, probably because she grew up looking like she did, and I grew up looking like I did.

I let her have the run of the apartment while I ran some errands. When I came back, she was in my room, going through my clothes, with several combinations laid out. She had looked over everything, from sundresses, miniskirts and blouses, to jeans and geek tees. I wouldn't call myself a neat freak, but I was kind of unnerved by it. But you want to be careful about saying "invasion of privacy" to someone who used to live in your body, so I kept quiet.

"Wow," she said, "You've bought so much stuff since I left."

"Well," I kind of blushed, "I did work at a garment store for a while, and I had to take advantage of the discount."

"Yeah, is that where you got all that lingerie?" she said with a wicked smile. I told her after spending most of my life as a guy, it was a treat to get to see a girl dressed like that. Even if it meant squeezing myself into a corset because I went through a Victorian phase when I was 15.

It was embarrassing that she saw all the frilly underwear I own, because I think she was probably trying to imagine me as a guy secretly wanting to wear all this stuff. It was another thing when she added "Yeah, plus I bet a lot of my old clothes don't fit you anymore."

Okay, reality check. I've put on, depending on the time of month, 10-20 pounds since I was her. I don't eat like I did when I was a guy, but I also probably don't eat like she did. A lot of her old clothes actually do fit me, but I don't wear them because I never felt comfortable in them, and as time went on, more and more of my clothes became stuff I picked for myself. Last time I checked, I really like the way I look.

I don't know why it bothered me. I didn't say anything about it at the time, but I really should have. Later that night, after her audition, we all had pizza - her, me, Raine and Alex, and I'd be lying if I didn't say I ate less than I usually would.

I filled the questions about how we met by vaguely stating it was on vacation a couple years ago. Karen grilled Alex, asking him questions about how we met, why he liked me. He seemed put off by this strange woman interrogating him, and I tried to intervene, but she was pretty forceful. Raine told me later she really didn't like Karen, which amused me. Beyond that, she talked about herself a lot, like she was trying to impress Alex. And being on TV, traveling, and doing the odd press junket is fairly impressive, but Alex, thankfully, seemed hardly won-over.

After we set Karen up with some blankets on the couch, she took another little dig at my appearance: "Don't you use moisturizer? You're going to look tired in the morning."

I laughed a bit and said "I'm going to BE tired in the morning."

I crawled into bed with Alex. He wrapped his arms around me and started kissing me. I needed to feel better after some of Karen's comments, but I felt embarrassed if we started to get hot and heavy, so I whispered to him "Can we be quiet tonight?"

"We can try," he said, slipping his boxers down to his ankles. And that really was the plan, but I think all that criticism had made my lady parts extra sensitive, because the moment we got started I let out a high-pitched squeal. And the more I tried to suppress it, the louder I wanted to scream. I ended up with one of the top five female orgasms of my life, and I don't even always get them. "Keeping quiet" obviously meant trying to go slow, which I definitely... appreciated. Except it it clearly didn't work, and before long I could feel my body urging him to go faster until we were going at it like careless teenagers. The next morning, when I came out for breakfast, she (already dressed and made-up) said "Sounds like you a hell of a time last night."

Instead of letting her tease me, I joked "This body has a lot of allergies. I was sneezing all night."

She laughed, "I wish my sneezes felt like that!" She then came closer and said "Hey, you wanna hear something weird? Raine's having a secret affair. I heard them phone-fucking last night."

"Yeah," I said, "I've heard her sneak someone out a few times, but if she doesn't want me to meet him I won't ask."

"It was so annoying. I was trying to get to sleep, and all I could hear was Danny, Danny! And then you two..."

"Huh, the guy's name is Danny?" I didn't mention the only Danny I knew of was the gay one, from Tori's old high school. She might not want me to mention him, given some of the stuff she wrote about him in her diaries, and how he just drops out of it after he came out, it might be a sore spot. Besides, there's plenty of Dannys in the world, right?

Sorry this is taking me so long to write... I'll finish it up later!

Greg/Alexis: Hitting the Road

When you consider my past experiences with making things public on this blog, such as it leading to my original body being stolen, you'd think I'd be smart enough not to post about something like an affair I was having like I did last week.

I knew that people who knew me in real life read this blog, all of them having been to the inn before since those of you that have never been there still think that it's some sort of elaborate work of fiction put on by brilliant writers.

Anyway I knew that the Real Sharon and Alex read the blog, so it wasnt a shock that they found out. They were going to find out anyway, this was actually easier than a weird phone call from me in the summer or even worse a really weird convo with Annabelle so I actually might have done myself a favor, however it sure doesnt feel that way after the phone calls I got yesterday.

They were clearly upset because they called me at work, meaning they wanted to yell at me right then and there and didnt care that anyone would wonder why these random people were calling Alex.

The first one to call me was Sharon, and she was practically in tears. Which sounds funny coming from her deep male voice. She launched into this rant about how she thought I was better than this and how I betrayed her. I tried to explain that I wasn't married to her or her body and that I'd actually done a lot more to preserve her life than most people had but she would have none of it. She hung up and I tried to get back to work despite being a little bit rattled.

A couple hours later I got a phone call from the real Alex. She hadn't read the blog post until Sharon had called her and ratted me out. Alex was always more logical than emotional in my experience, so she kept her calm, but was still pretty scathing. The first thing she said was "How dare you"

I tried to appeal to her knowledge of this body, and how I needed attention and wasn't getting it at home.

"That doesn't give you the right to jeopardize my marriage"

"It's only a marriage on paper" I explained "Malinda is not Sharon, and she doesnt even think we should be allowed to be married. In fact, your marriage seems to be doing pretty well considering youve hooked up in your current bodies. What kind of risk to you think that puts to Selena Bookman's marriage. How do you think Mr. Bookman would react to finding out his wife has been sleeping with a trucker?"

She was silent for a moment. I had struck a nerve. She finally came back with "Yes, but Sharon is my real life wife...Annabelle is a third party who think youre me, and is going to think we had an affair for the rest of her life."

She had me there. Not only is Annabelle unknowing of who I really am, she's thinks I'm her close friend. I put a whole new level of awkwardness into that relationship.

"I'm sorry" i said weakly.

"Break it off, and be nice" She said firmly before hanging up.

She was right, even though I didnt like it. Annabelle was one of the more enjoyable things in my life in a long time, but this wasn't going to be life life for much longer so I was going to have to end it. Knowing I was going to have to let my paramour down soured the rest of the day and I left early.

I went home and poured myself a glass of whiskey and was going to take a bubble bath when Malinda ambushed me. Literally, she pushed me. This is the second time she's gotten physical but I resisted the urge to karate chop her and just said "What the hell?"

"What the hell yourself" She spat back "Couldnt keep your hands on yourself so you have to go have an affair? Do you have any idea how this makes me look?"

I stared at her jaw dropped. "Since when do you care about any of this? Nobody cares how you look because nobody knows except me and Annabelle. And you were the one who cheated first. Remember that guy you took upstairs."

"I didn't do anything" she said defensively

"Because youre gay" I said. I knew that would make her mad but she deserved it. After spending the day being judged the last thing I needed was for this woman to all of a sudden act like she cared about this sham of a marriage. I stormed upstairs.

After thinking for a minute and finishing my drink...I started packing. I called off Friday as well as Monday and Tuesday and got in the Range Rover and started driving.

I'm on my laptop at a Holiday Inn in Bangor, Maine. No i am not going to Old Orchard beach, that's farther south.

I've got someone I need to talk to...help find direction.

Tori: Space and Time

It's been a bittersweet couple of weeks, ever since I found out I was getting laid off. I was hoping to find a different position in the newly-merged company but the boss couldn't find anything for me. There were also a few other layoffs in other departments as the new owners merge duties. Alex, luckily, is safe.

I've been furiously applying to every job I can that I think I might be qualified for. IT, Systems, Data Entry... even a few secretarial jobs. Nothing so far. I don't like the idea of being without money. I've saved up a lot, but I still have rent and groceries and cost of living, even if having a boyfriend does give you a bit of leeway, I don't want to be dependent on him. If I'd known I was gonna be out of work, I might've reconsidered a few of my recent expenditures.

Back in February, I dyed my hair. I was Supergirl for Halloween, and completed the outfit with a blonde wig. Alex said he really liked the look, and the idea kinda took root (so to speak.) Every so often I'd pull the wig out just for him and then I'd think "I do look good with light hair... why not?" It's my body, I can make this sort of decision. Girls do it all the time. It's like if I was a guy and I decided to grow out a beard. Hardly irreversible.

Expensive, though. Since I'm naturally dark-haired, I went to a salon and paid a pretty good sum. The results were worth it, though. People who've known me "my whole life" were shocked by the new look, in a good way. I've always felt good about my looks as Tori, but suddenly I was a new woman, with a new confidence.

Only now, sadly, my roots have been growing in and if I want them done I'll have to do it myself. Which is funny because theoretically, Tori is a trained hairstylist but I am really not comfortable taking this into my own hands.

Which leads me to my next point, which was brought up in a comment on my last post. One of you fine Anons mentioned it was maybe time to start thinking about moving in with Alex. I had kept it pushed out of my mind for a long while, because we were already co-workers. Moving in together would mean that literally my entire life would be based around him. And I love him, and I still get butterflies when I look in his eyes or hold his hand, but I worry what it means to put your entire life in someone's hands. It's not like I think we're ever going to break up, but as much as I love him basing my entire life around my relationship has never been my style... until now.

I like having my own place. I like having somewhere I can get away and just hang out with my best friend, and where my boyfriend is still just a visitor. The past few years were such a string of changes that I wasn't even thinking of boxing my life back up and moving again.

It's making more and more sense. Now that we won't be carpooling, we're probably going to be spending more and more time at his house or mine. I'm feeling less like I have secrets I need to protect, not just about my past but about who I have become, the girl he's dating. He's seen pretty much the whole show. He's laughed at my lame jokes, put up with the way I sprawl out on the bed sometimes, even seen me without shaving my armpits. Why do I need my own room?

It's getting harder to answer that question. I don't think I'm there yet. Last week I had a late night chat with Raine about it. She was letting her "visitor" out, and I decided to get some water, so we ended up talking for like an hour. I asked her how she would feel if I did decide to move out.

She said she'd deal, but I could tell she was a bit disappointed. With Sara getting married this fall, and me in the best relationship of my/Tori's life, she's maybe feeling like her life is stalled.

I tell her not to worry. I can hear her sneaking the same guy in and out a few times a week. It's weird to me, though, because she's really never been shy about her hookups before. All she tells me about him is that I probably shouldn't ask, but there's not really a future. I wonder if that means he's married, or has some other defect. I choose not to push for further info.

In time, I think, I'll be ready to make the leap and move in with Alex. The nice thing about getting younger -- hey, I'm only 25! -- is that I feel like I have all the time in the world to make this work. I want to be sure that, if I do, it's because I feel it's the right time, not because I want to save money.

Greg/Alexis: Hmm...Annabelle

So I spent pretty much the entire month of March without a home computer. Our home internet went out and rather than restore it the company decided that we had to upgrade, but upgrading took about 10 days while they restored the line. Despite living in the biggest city in VT, our broadband is pretty inferior. I had better internet in Mississippi (mostly because I was right next to a college), but I also had stretch marks in Mississippi, so its a fair trade.

And right after the internet was restored my tower started overheating. Apparently the CPU needed a new radiator, at least it looked like a radiator. The irony of this situation is that I get paid pretty good money to fix computer issues, and I was pretty helpless. It's not like I could take this to my employees and have them think their boss was an idiot, so I had to very silently pay someone out of town to fix it.

And since blogging on a touchscreen impossible and I dont dare log into this blog at work, that kept me from the Trading Post Inn blog. Or at least that's what I told myself. Maybe I was avoiding writing while I wrestled with what else was going on in my life.

So after my last post, one of the commenters posted "Hmmm, Annabelle" and that pretty much summed up the way I had been thinking. Heck, it's probably why I wrote that post. It was pretty clear to me that there was sexual tension being created, but I wasnt sure how far it went or how I was going to respond to it.

The answer to the first question came in the first week of March. I was over at her apartment watching a movie on the couch with her when our knees accidentally touched. Normally when that happens you move your knee, but I just let it linger there,and so did she.

Ok, So I know this next part is pretty high schooly, but the movie became a game of "who can touch the other one more without them saying anything or moving" and I would say we both won, because by the time the movie was over we were pretty much cuddling.

We started talking, rather whispering to each other, while we looked in each others eyes. I forget the exact exchange but I said something along the lines of not having a chance at something at which point she straddled me, looked me straight in the eyes and said: "If you need it, nows your chance to take it"

I'd be lying if I said I acted in the moment, because the truth is I had been thinking about this for weeks. I have needs, and theres only so much a toy can do. I had been a lesbian for 7 months and still hadnt had sex. I felt like I owed it to my 15 year old self to at least try it. I'd be crazy not to, right? When does anyone ever get that chance?

I leaned up and kissed her. Long and deep with tongue. She smiled and said "Finally" before taking me by the hand and leading her upstairs to the bedroom. We undressed each other slowly, admiring each others bodies. Annabelle doesnt have a traditionally attractive female body, but she's an amazing combination of curve and muscle. Plus she has ENORMOUS nipples. When we were naked I was kneeling on the bed and she came up to me and said "I've been wanting to do this since college" before pushing me onto the bed and kissing my neck, and then moving down to my shoulder, then down to my nipples and then....down.

A bit of info for all you non lesbians out there: It's NOTHING like you see in porno movies. Those are actresses doing what looks hot to a primarily straight male audience. In real life it's a lot less theatrics.

Not like I had my eyes open much. I spent most of the time writhing on the bed while Annabelle went down on me. She's a fucking expert. Not just of what to do but how to do it. It was a perfect combination of speed and rhythm and pressure. After my 3rd orgasm she came up and kissed me, smiling. Perfectly aware of what she just did to me. It was kinda of intimidating because I was a bit nervous as she lied down next to me and guided my hand to her pussy.

I've been with women before, albeit none in almost 3 years, but I've also owned various vaginas over that time period so I probably know more than most men about how to pleasure a woman, but I wasnt even on the same level as she was. Still, with some helpful guidance I managed to get her off.

While we got under the covers and cuddled ourselves to sleep she held me tight and whispered. "Never thought you'd be the submissive type, Barco"

"Neither did I" I whispered back with a giggle.

When I woke up the next morning I wasnt overcome with any guilt, shame, or regret. In fact I was glad I did it and I wish I had done it sooner. I gave her a good morning kiss and then went to work. It was the best encounter I've had since I became a woman, I loved it. Annabelle mustve loved it too because since then I've slept over there at least a couple of nights a week.

It's really had a positive effect on me. Most of my last 3 years have been doing things to not screw up. This I did for me. Because I wanted to experience it. Being around her makes me relaxed and happy and it makes up for the real sourpuss I had to live with for the first 6 months in this body. Being in a loveless marriage really made me miss human affection, and now I'm getting it.

Sharon and Alex are still going to be married when they get back here, and I'm still legally bound to Malinda in Sharon's body. But right now I'm going to enjoy myself and have a girlfriend...even if the only people I can tell about her are you guys.

-Greg/Alexis

Anthony/CeeCee: This isn't a game

I was livid when I found out Zane was pursuing this arrangement with Wes. I think it's irresponsible and immature.

Let's start with the alcohol, which she shouldn't be mixing with her medication anyway. That resulted in the blackout episode she described in that post. That's an unhealthy behavior and if she was going to therapy like she is probably supposed to, any therapist would advise against it. She's lucky she didn't die, and that Wes didn't do anything unethical (that we know about!) to her unconscious body.

I'm also not fond of the fact that she's accepting money from this guy. To my knowledge, there's no official agreement what her obligations are, but the implication of what she's supposed to do for him is clear. That isn't healthy.

When we talked about it, she called me a hypocrite. I was sleeping with a photographer named Blake to further Clara's career. Or rather, to keep it afloat so that Zane would have money for essentials. My situation was considerably more complicated. Not that I'm proud of it. A woman's body deserves more respect than to be used as a bargaining chip and to the real Charlotte, I apologize.

For what it's worth, that's done with. I knew it could not be permanent, as I did not want to upset Charlotte's life when I returned it to her. It's pointless now anyway, now that apparently I am of no professional use to "Clara."

She got mad at me for "lecturing" her about the riskiness of her behavior. I'm sorry I care. Remember, this is not a vacation, there are consequences to the things we do while in these bodies, both for ourselves and the people we appear to be. I don't want to see my friend die or end up in a coma while in this girl's body. Clara obviously has a very different tolerance to these things than Zane's did. And it bothers me that he's not learning.

It's careless to put yourself in a life-threatening situation for money that could be earned more honestly. I don't think that's really my friend in there. I understand, they share the memories and some personality traits, but I think our bodies influence us more than we know. Something inside of Clara's body has hit Zane like a ton of bricks and she's not willing to admit how hard it is. I see my friend in trouble and I want to help, but she won't accept it.

In a weird way, I kind of understand it. Without saying too much, I know how strong even these foreign bodies can attract us to others. How a situation changes you. We all get lonely, we see others taking notice of the way we look and options start appearing. You want to be in someone else's life, you want others near you, you want to be appreciated... you just don't want to be lonely. Whether you're a man or a woman, that makes sense. If things were different, I'd be very happy to let Zane find her own happiness, but they are what they are and we all have responsibilities, and one is not to be reckless with other people's lives.

When she found out I had had sex with a man, she said I was treating this like a vacation. If so, I'm working harder than on any vacation I've ever seen. It's not like living Ceecee's life has been a picnic, it's not like managing careers and juggling other peoples' lives so they get their proper bodies back is a hobby. I'm not living one life or two, I feel like I'm living three or four. All in the name of righting a wrong. All the while I have to wake up in the morning and face this woman's appearance, come the knots out of her hair, apply her makeup so she looks professional, face those last couple inches of lovehandle over her panties, the judgmental types in the office who know what I get up to on weekends, who think my life, my problems, are the office joke. I've been living a constant migraine of a life for some time now, but do I break down, do I quit, do I drink myself half to death? No, because I have a job to do. Zane, you need to grow up.

I need to make sure all my friends get back where they belong. That's my responsibility, because it's my fault they're here to begin with. I made a stupid decision, I brought them to the inn, I brought them to this. And I probably won't "chill out" until this waking nightmare is over.

Lisa/Eve: What's been going on with me

I'm here. I'm still here. I don't know if anyone reading this has really wondered about my whereabouts... I've just been quietly living this life, kinda thankful and kinda resentful.

Ok. I'm thankful, because if I do everything right, I can still get back to my real body and this won't have been a traumatic experience. Just kind of a boring one. I mean, really... all my friends and I were transformed into different people, and I get stuck as an 18-year-old college girl. It's stressful, it's annoying, and there's really not a lot to say. Compared to Shaun, Anth and Zane? Yeah, I'm okay.

And I'm a bit resentful because I feel like I really shouldn't say anything. Compared to the recent shit Zane's been through, or even Anth, I should be happy. I stay out of trouble, there's no hassle for me. It's annoying that all my complaints seem minor. At one point I read how Anth (aka my "sister") was hooking up with that Blake guy and I wondered why he was fine getting some action but I wasn't. Then I realized I'm surrounded by boys just out of high school, and even when they show an interest I'm just not interested in the slightest. I'm just sitting in my dorm pretending not to notice while my roommate and her boyfriend make out.

Every so often, though, Shaun comes by. I've been separated from the others most of the time, but Shaun and I have been in contact. I think he and I relate, because Anthony and Zane became girls, and his situation is... different. Sometimes, when he can sneak away without his wife knowing, he comes to the college and we go out for a drive and have a coffee.

I told him "You know what I see when I look at you? A lucky man."

"Why's that?"

"You could've wound up in Zane's position, or Anthony's, or mine. You can do Doug's job, you get his wife..."

He stopped me. "You're right. I can't lie, I feel lucky. And I feel like a jerk for not being happier about it."

I say, "You weren't ready to get back in a relationship were you?"

"It's not even that. Believe me, it's nice to have somebody there, but I know she doesn't like me for me. She likes me because she thinks I'm her husband. And I like her because I try not to think about the alternative."

"You wouldn't want to be with her if you were yourself?"

"No, it's just exhausting being a yes-man for her. I'm not a partner in this relationship, I'm a placeholder. I don't rock the boat, even when the real Doug probably would."

"Well," I said, "You have a voice. If there's anything you object to, I'm sure you can reason with her. They're married, so I doubt the whole marriage is gonna fall apart because you wanna eat somewhere different or watch a different show."

He can tell me things like this. He can't phone up Zane, even though "Clara" is his sister. He can't get any sympathy from Anthony, because as much as I love Anth he turns any complaint into a pissing match, and he's definitely got the ammo to top our complaints.

He changes the subject. We talk for a while about Zane and Anthony's lives, mainly comparing notes between what they tell us and what they tell the blog... not that there's a huge difference, but obviously we get a different "version" from the official record. Then I mention something I thought Anthony would already have said, but he doesn't post here often either.

Back around New Year's, Anthony and I took a drive out to Arizona to see the original "us." They became a family of six with two others. Charlotte and Clara, for example, became a married couple, the Tysons. The original Eve became the wife's sister, a rather large woman. When I saw her there was so much sadness in her eyes. Doug became a middle-aged man, and there were two other women kicking around the house who I didn't really talk to but had also been to the inn.

Then we talked about the new "us." As we draw closer to our reservation, we've been in contact with them more and more. The man and woman in our bodies, for example, were a married couple. And Shaun and I were both same-aged single people of the opposite sex. We both agreed that we didn't need to discuss what they were probably doing with our bodies.

I've looked at our old Facebook profiles. There's a lot of recent photos on there with "us" looking very coupley. A lot of people who have known us for a long time have "liked" them, and there's a few comments about how "cute" we look together.

None of these people would have seen us together in our real lives. I was the forever-single girl, he was the relationship guy about to get married. I never would have risked our friendship on that, although in Maine my self-esteem was super low and I admitted having some thoughts (before I knew this was a public blog!!)

I guess he has his rebound now. Between him and me, there are probably some doors best left unopened. That said, I'm back at my dorm, and he slipped me a bottle of scotch, and I've been drinking it all night and I'm starting to consider knocking on doors and seeing who answers.

Ellie: Keeping on

There are things you learn without knowing it. A really obvious example of this is math. Since my tutoring sessions started with Iris, I've been getting 70's rather than 40's.

I think I just benefit from the environment. I think I mentally check out when I'm in a classroom, but with someone sitting down and explaining the principles to me, I can follow along and retain it. Everything's a bit more clear. Iris is a very good tutor, although she's still sometimes awkward socially.

Before she was hired to be my tutor, I'd seen her around the school a bit. She didn't look like someone I wanted to know. It bothers me that I can be this superficial, but she's the textbook high school outcast who might grow into a beautiful woman but for now, is stuck with glasses and acne and an underdeveloped body. She's shy and doesn't have a great sense of conversation, but is also clearly unnerved by silences, leading her to ask every so often "So what's new? Seen any good movies?" I try to humor her.

I ran into her at the mall on the weekend. I hate how often I go, but there's not a lot to do in this town. I go by myself, I window shop and eat mall food. I watch the teenagers a bit, trying to figure them out. I wish I could've had a time in my life to be young and stupid. Well, I did end up being young and stupid, but in my own way.

I saw her across the food court. She smiled and waved and I nodded back and she took that as an invitation to come over. "Hey, how are you? How about that math test?"

I told her how well I did, how good she was as a tutor and she got a bit embarrassed. "It's not hard really. It's just my way of helping. What are you doing here today?"

I tell her I'm just here to hang out. She gets a bit disappointed, I guess because she thinks I'm about to shoo her away. She asks who I'm with.

"Nobody," I tell her. "I'm just here by myself."

"Really?" The idea seems completely impossible to her, that I could be alone willingly. "I thought you were friends with Emily and all them."

"It's... complicated. I'm friendly with them, but I'm not friends with them."

"Do you hate them?"

"No, they're good people, just not the kind of people I'd wanna spend a Saturday with."

"What kind of people would you wanna spend a Saturday with?"

"I like being alone," I tell her.

She admits to me, "I hate being alone. I'm alone all the time. If people wanted to be friends with me, I'd be near them all the time."

I don't tell her she sounds desperate. That the "cool" people don't cling to others so desperately. But I'm not one to pass judgment, because I was pretty needy in my youth.

"With the right people, you know exactly how much time to spend together," I tell her, seriously sugarcoating things.

"So you don't wanna date anyone?"

"I'm not really the dating type," I tell her. I've learned my lesson, especially in the hormonal tiger trap of high school, when you're a Trading Post person, relationships are... practically impossible.

"Is that why you didn't wanna date James Callahan?"

I nearly choke on my soda. James Callahan is a tall, all-American looking boy in our grade. I've had almost zero interaction with him. I've never heard my name mentioned in the same breath as his. After a moment I realize this is probably referring to something from before my time as Ellie. But I later found out it was still "current" enough that Iris had recently heard about it.

I didn't really know what to say, so I said "Not everybody always wants to date everybody else." This is the hard lesson I've learned lately, and perhaps the most blunt thing I've said to this naive young girl.

To my surprise she understands this. "Life would be so much easier if they did."

By the end of the meal, I think I could stand to spend a bit more time with this girl, so we ended up going around the mall together. When I was Sam, I was sort of a fashionista. I treated my first "new" body like a Barbie doll. Even when I was Max, I would go shopping with Tanya and Melanie and help them pick outfits. It changed when I was with Emily, though. I became less interested in the appearance and more interested in the girl herself. I became kind of a guy cliche of "Yeah, she's dragging me along shoe shopping." Even since I've been Ellie, I'm the least girliest I've ever been. I dress in tomboy clothes, jeans and tees and don't think twice about it, even though Ellie's got an impressive wardrobe for a 17-year-old, because I'm not interested in playing the game, not interested in putting myself on display, not interested in showing off this body. I feel strong.

Iris is someone who clearly doesn't know the first thing about the girly stuff, but what surprised me was that she seemed interested. This girl who dresses in corduroys and Converse shoes was eyeballing sundresses and even glancing in the lingerie store. I bit my tongue. I didn't want to say "You should try that on" because I don't want to make her into a project, I don't want to give her a makeover, I don't want to give her the idea that her entire identity is tied to her appearance.

See, that's the other thing you can learn without knowing you learned. I realized, when I was a guy, how much women do to look good for guys. Some of it's for themselves, and sometimes it's to get attention because the attention feels good.

I thought I was escaping. I thought I was invisible at school. But if Callahan has still been asking about me to Emily (and Emily to Iris, hence how she knows) it means I'm still visible, and that the tomboy thing isn't keeping the boys away.

On Monday, I saw Callahan in the hallway. I didn't talk to him, I acted like I didn't know anything about him. But knowing what I knew, I really looked at him. Handsome. Good body. I don't know anything about his personality, but I had him written off as a dumb jock and now I'm not sure. He could obviously date if he wanted to, so it's his bad luck if he's hung up on me... because I'm really not sure what to make of this.

Zane Clara: Expectations

I had another date with Wes last night. I was nervous, I knew it was a big deal, but I didn't puke or pass out or call it off or anything.

I prepared myself. The last time we met, he basically told me he wanted to pay me to be his girlfriend. The more I think about it the more it makes sense. I like being around him, he's really handsome and I can see a lot of girls giving him looks when we're out together. But he's always focused on me and that both makes it weird and nice... because he sees me as more than just a set of tits, it makes me comfortable. Part of me has been thinking I should just try to be his girlfriend for a while now. He deserves it, if he wants me. I just don't know if I deserve his attention.

I was scared of sex. I'm scared about how he kinda makes me want it. I've barely played with myself since I've been on the meds, but ever since he kissed me, I can't help but think "Oh yeah, no wonder he wants me, look at what I look like." I'd wanna see me naked, if I didn't already see it every day. I spent all week watching porn in my spare time, thinking about how easy it could be... just lie back and let him do it to me. I could do that, he deserves it.

I kept thinking about Anthony. This is basically the same thing as what he did with Blake. Except he was doing it for me, and now he won't have to. I can quit modeling and still pay for stuff. Plus, if he could suck it up and let some guy bang him, I could too.

Anthony told me she didn't think it was a good idea. She said it would get to a bad spot if I ever felt like I owed Wes, and it might be hard to get out of the arrangement to go back to Maine. I told her it wouldn't be a problem, and I'll probably figure it out. She's pretty mad at me, but I think she's just arrogant, thinking she can make all the plans and make decisions for everybody. I'm feeling better than I have in months. I knew I could do this.

I still wasn't sure what I was gonna do when I saw him. There was still a chance I was gonna chicken out. I spent all day putting on an outfit... I shaved my legs and my pussy, picked out a nice pair of lacy panties and crammed myself into a tight red dress. Six months ago I wouldn't even look at that part of Clara's wardrobe. Now, with my boobs popping out the top of my dress and the curve of my hips stretching out the fabric, I knew exactly what he was gonna think when he looked at me. I even used some of the makeup tips I got from the girls at the modeling agency, wearing lipstick and painting my nails. I needed the costume to be complete.

He arrived at 8. As soon as we sat down I was squirming. I didn't wanna eat. I wanted to get this over with. I wanted to know. I nodded my way through the conversation, looking at his eyes and watching him eat, listening while he told me about his business trip to China, but I was only halfway through the meal when I said "Let's get out of here."

"Are you sure?" he said.

I was downing wine all night. I couldn't eat my food. I needed to leave and I tried to sound as nonchalant about it as I could but I think a little hiccup of excitement got in there.

"You get the check, I just need to use the ladies room."

I was a bit wobbly on my feet, but I figured I just needed to walk it off. I don't do a lot of drunk walking in heels, so I tried extra hard to make sure I didn't faceplant into someone's dinner. I got to the washroom and ran some water to splash on my face.

The girl in the mirror didn't seem like me. I'm used to seeing myself looking normal, with my hair messy and my face plain and my clothes comfortable. The girl in the mirror was gorgeous. I hardly ever look anymore, but I took a second to stand with my chest sticking out, my hips curved... I wasn't me anymore. I wasn't there. I was just watching Clara's life. It's like a video game... I'm in control, but it's not really me.

I smiled at her and flecked my hair out of my eyes.

Next thing I know, I'm in the car watching the streetlights overhead.

"Are you okay? Are you sure about this?"

"What's my name?" I ask him.

"Clara?"

"Yeah," I said. "I'm Clara."

He pulled into his parking space. I leaned on him in the elevator up to his condo. I remember my hands were on his waist. I even put my fingers in his front pocket. He was hard, but keeping his cool.

We got to his door. "Want anything to drink?"

"No, I'm good. Hey look at me."

When he looked, I reached behind and unzipped my dress. It fell to the floor. I was standing there in my bra and panties. All I could think was how hot I'd look in a red teddy or something, I love when girls wear that shit. I knew he would've liked it too.

"What do you wanna do with me right now?"

He smiled "So many things."

"Let's take it slow though, okay? I've never... I mean, it's been a while."

Then we were in the bedroom. I let him take my bra and panties off me, and then I was naked, and he wasn't yet. I laid back and let him play with me... tried not to think about how weird it was that some guy was getting his fingers all over me... teasing my skin, making me all wet. I was shivering. Something was so wrong but so good about it. I had to let it keep happening. It was killing me! I remember thinking how weird it was to let a guy kiss me.

I couldn't look when he took it out. Outside of porn, it's been a while since I've seen one, and I couldn't bring myself to look. It's just instinct, you don't stare at another guy's junk.

I laid back and let him come over to me. By then I was ready. I wanted it to happen. I was feeling so good and so ready... and then I don't know.

I woke up the next morning, naked in his bed with his arm around me. I felt frozen in place like stone. I had to completely rebuild the night in my head later, and when it got to the part where he got naked, it just... blacks out.

I would remember, right? If I let him do it to me, I wouldn't just forget... but I can't remember the end of that night. Just a glimpse of him in the darkness, and then nothing, but sleep I guess. But I can't even remember what it felt like, if he did anything. I just can't believe my body conked out like that.

I snuck out and took a cab home trying to shake this feeling that something bad happened... I mean, I was ready for it. I wanted him to do it. I've had plenty of nights I can't remember, but for some reason, this all just feels... wrong. I really don't like how this all played out.

Tori: Bad day.

Did you ever have one of those days you just knew was going to suck? You stub your toe getting out of bed, you get shampoo in your eyes, you feel fat, your coffee tastes like rust... and before anything's really happened you've made up your mind to hate that day?

I have to be careful when I have a day like yesterday. I work with a bunch of guys and if I show up to work in a huff or seeming short-tempered, I know what they'll say... they'll think it's because of PMS or hormones or whatever they think goes on in a woman's body. I can't just be upset for normal reasons, but today, after the hot water ran out in my apartment and my boyfriend was late to pick me up, I was starting to get a bit edgy.

But I was keeping calm and rational right up until I got summoned to the boss's office. See, Alex and I work for a small shipping company that handles mainly the Philly area. He oversees IT, I handle the warehouse database, overseeing all the comings and goings, basically ensuring everything winds up where it's supposed to. It's actually a lot of headaches for not a ton of pay, but I'm good at it and it sits neatly with my skill set. It's all part and parcel of the comfortable little life I've built for myself.

Last month, we learned the company was merging with a national chain. We were told this was not a big deal, that it was a management issue and they didn't acquire a whole company just to gut its staff. We were comforted by this, so I didn't think it was a big deal when the boss called me in.

He admitted that although they had said no big changes were on deck, a few key staff positions were being eliminated due to redundancy: specifically mine. The new boss' people were overtaking my duties after this month. He was really apologetic, saying he didn't realize this aspect of the deal affected me, and explained how pleased he was with the work I'd done and will gladly provide a reference and so forth. But I still felt like total crap.

I got home and I was in such a huff. Alex was trying to talk me down a bit, saying "At least they gave you this much notice, at least it's good terms" and blah blah blah. I don't want to downplay that they're doing it in a pretty nice way, but it feels crappy. And when I was ranting to him about it, I might have said more than I meant to... what I said was "I thought I was done getting my life jerked around by random forces."

That comment probably confused Alex... I guess I never realized how much I tied my life since the Inn with some problems I had before I became Tori, how I always felt like my life was defined by the actions of others and so much bad stuff happened to me because of chance rather than me doing anything. I've always felt sort of antsy about how much of my life wasn't decided by me, up to and including transforming into a girl. Having my job eliminated by someone who's never met me definitely counts. But Alex has never seen this, as far as he knows I'm not someone who blames the forces of he universe for all my problems.

I scrambled to explain to him that, (and this is at least part of it,) when I was with Buddy, I felt like our relationship hinged on factors beyond our control, as well as my tendency to go from job to job based on what was available (also true.) I don't think this was quite satisfactory to him, but it ended the discussion. I wasn't in much of a mood to do anything for the rest of the night. I stayed up editing my resume, drafting a cover letter, looking for job leads. After all the shit that I went through to get this job... I nearly moved to Houston for a job! ... I'm not looking forward to going through it again.

Tonight's St. Patty's day, though, so I feel like I should put on a good face. I've still got friends, I've still got a life to run. I'll put on the green top and get wasted and forget my problems.

Zane Clara: Can't sleep

That's a new thing. Usually I'm Mr. Sleepy but some stuff happened today that's got me all wound up. I thought about taking an ambien but I'm really weary about how many pills I put in my body.

Yesterday, Anthony told me about this job that came in for me... it's a one-day shoot but it's as much as I've ever made in a month. This guy runs a website "Girls at Home" or something, where he gets girls to hang around their houses in lingerie, doing sexy poses and talking about themselves. It sounds like an easy paycheck except for the part where it's basically stripping.

I've been Clara for six or seven months. I've done a lot of her modeling jobs, but mostly they're ad campaigns or catalogs. She's got a good frame, so it's ideal to put clothes on to show how good they look. All I have to do is stand around with my hand on my hip and my head slightly tilted. I'm like Zoolander. But with tits.

But this... this is big. Like I say, it pays a shitload, just to look hot and give the guy some blurbs for his readers. And it gets the name out there. If I was really Clara... really doing this modelling job for myself... it would be a no-brainer.

But I can't do it. I got up this morning, put on a fresh pair of panties, and just stood there looking at my tits in the mirror. Guys would love to see em but I'm sick of looking at them. I'm sick of feeling them hanging down, sick of feeling the underwire of a bra on my ribs and the straps on my shoulders. Sick of accidentally rolling onto them in my sleep. When I was a guy I loved tits so much, but... I can't do anything knowing a guy;s gonna be pulling his pork to it. That's not me.

The problem is, I don't have any money. Like, at all. I told Anthony I'd take this modeling thing seriously so I could pay for Clara's meds, but I nearly had a freak out when I was told about this.

Even worse would be the idea of talking about myself. What the fuck would I say? "I'm actually a guy in a woman's body, and I got my period for the first time three months ago and it grossed me out so much I nearly threw up. I bled all over myself and had to work the rest of the day like that."

Then I had a date with Wes tonight. I wasn't calling them dates, but that's what they really are. A way of getting out and eating for free and pretending like I really like the guy. Except I do like the guy, and I feel bad he's putting up with me because he thinks I'll put out. But here's what happened, what's really got me freaked out.

I asked him why. I reminded him that I wasn't his girlfriend and he could have any girl he wanted. He said that wasn't true (the part about him getting any girl) but I told him that if even I thought he was handsome, he was clearly a good-looking dude.

So he admitted... wealth and good looks are pretty much the easiest ways to a woman's pants. But I guess all those women throwing themselves at him gets boring because he said he never met a woman who just wanted to sit and talk. Someone who was real, which is really rare out here.

Until me. Which is fucking hilarious. Apparently he likes me because I'm not playing games and not pretending... I told him I wasn't interested in his money or his cock and that made him pay attention. He wanted to know more about me, but I seem to have something inside I'm holding back (yeah, no shit.) How I ask him questions about his life like I'm really interested. I never realized, I thought I was just being polite.

He says to me it doesn't make sense to him why I model. How I seem so humble and self-conscious about my looks and so desperate for people not to pay attention to me. He says when he looks in my eyes, he sees something buried deep down, something sad I haven't talked about, and that must be the source of my "realness." But also how he catches glimpses... I dunno when, but he told me... glimpses of desire. That every so often I look at him like I want to jump all over him.

I was startled. Except for wanting to jump him, it sounded pretty spot-on. I told him I kinda fell into modeling by accident and it was the last thing I ever wanted to do, but I did because the offers kept coming in and the money was good. I told him I had certain needs. Bills to pay.

"You kill me," he said, laughing a bit. "You come out with me every Saturday night for a month. We talk, we drink, we have fun. You barely tell me anything about yourself and when you do, it's this money business. And you forget... I'm rich. You are looking at... eating dinner with... playing footsie with a very wealthy guy."

I wasn't playing footsie. My leg was twitching from nerves.

He says "I could do so much for you, Clara. It wouldn't be a hand-out, it wouldn't be charity, because I give money freely to people I care about. But I need to know... do you care about me?"

I couldn't say no. Maybe it was the wine but all I could mutter was "You're my... friend."

"Friend?" He said back. Then he stood up, straightened out his jacket, and walked over to my side of the table. He bent over, got right in my face, nose to nose... and kissed me.

I was gonna push him away, but I just let him do it because I wanted to see where it was going. It was a close-mouthed kiss, lips to lips, no tongue. Maybe three seconds.

When he pulled away from me, he put his hands on mine, then reached into his breast pocket for his checkbook. "This is $500. No strings attached, but if you want more, we're going to have to work out why you keep coming to see me. I understand you're a complicated person, but it doesn't have to be hard. I like you a lot, Clara. Shall I take you home?"

"...yes..." I could only say.

On the ride home I was silent. I had a check for $500 in my purse. That was my share of the rent and then some. I thought about modeling and Anthony banging Blake and me playing with myself, and how I didn't want to throw up just because a guy kissed me.

I kept a lid on things until I got home. Then I walked slowly to my room, threw myself on my bed, and started to cry. Just because I'm on the meds doesn't mean things like this can't freak me out beyond words.

Now here I am. I really don't know what to do. I wish I could just sleep until summer.

Tori: Taking stock

I've been Tori for two and a half years now. I'm a sore girl. My left ankle and knee get pained sometimes from the fact that I still occasionally roll it when I wear heels. My wrists and fingers hurt more as a woman than they ever did as a man from typing. I threw out my shoulder one time from a particularly enthusiastic lovemaking session. Sometimes I wake up with a backache from the heft of my boobs, and when I get my period my breasts get really tender and sore, along with the usual cramping pain. Every so often I notice myself gaining a little pooch belly, compared to the flat tummy I had when I first became a she, when I'm not careful what I eat or when I neglect the gym. I'm still growing out my hair from when I cut it off last year, because even though it was low maintenance, I prefer it long.

I'm saying all this not to complain about my body, but because I love it. This body has changed a bit since I got it, and I've changed with it. And I'm not the only one. My little sister, Mae, was a cynical, introverted teenager who was resentful of her big sis and suspicious of everyone else. Now she's a beautiful, capable young woman who trusts me enough to confide things she can't tell our parents. I've moved in with my best friend, Raine, and seen my other, Sara, get engaged... to a guy she started dating when I first got here!

The biggest change happened just before Christmas. Well, that's not when it "happened," but it's when I found out about it. That was when my big brother Kenny, and his wife Jana (hey, I was a bridesmaid at their wedding!) announced they are three months pregnant. I'm going to be Aunt Tori.

I'm amazed. I'm thrilled. I'm gonna be such a cool aunt. It's incredible to see these people maturing before my eyes, a life I was dropped into almost at random and hit the ground running.

And then there's me... shedding so much of my old life wouldn't have been easy if I didn't feel like I fit so well in this one. And it didn't always fit and there was a time, I'll always remember, there was a time when I wanted nothing more than to go back, and now there's nothing I'd want less. I'm comfortable. I see everyone I know getting on with their lives, and for a second I think there's more I could be doing, but I remember that secretly, unbeknownst to everyone in my life, I have built an entire life in three short years. I'm proud of myself. I'm also proud that I found someone like Alex.

Alex, oh, Alex. I told you I love him. I never expected, even if I could "put up with" being in a relationship with a man, that I'd fall this far, but he's exactly who I want to be with. More than being smart and funny, he seems to "get" me... as much as I can be "gotten." He knows not to push things I don't want to talk about. He goes along with my sometimes inexplicable moods. I never thought this as a guy, but there are people who truly see us for what we are.

Geez, I just read over this whole thing and it sounds so cheezy. Seriously, this is why I don't post much anymore. It's wonderfully domestic, but it doesn't make for exciting reading.