Ashlyn--Temporary Insanity or “too much of a good thing”

Sorry for being away for so long, the last month has been a blur. I’m pleading temporary insanity as I let lots of things slip in the last month—not just this blog.

When I was a little kid—before my parents were killed in an automobile accident—my mother made homemade apple pie. It was my favorite, especially if it was still warm with ice cream. I still remember how the house smelled when she was baking. It still makes me smile to this day. I loved my mom’s apple pie so much that one day I got greedy for it. I wasn’t satisfied with just the slice I was going to get after dinner; I wanted more. In fact I wanted all the pie—I decided that when my mother put the pie out to cool, I was going to take it. I wasn’t an overly bad behaving child; sure I got my share of groundings—but for some reason I obsessed on my Mom’s apple pie, and I didn’t care what the consequences were going to be when I stole it. I had to have that pie and I didn’t want to share it.

So when my Mom left the kitchen, leaving her carefully prepared dessert on the kitchen counter to cool—I stole it and ran to some woods behind our house. Fork in one hand, pie in the other. I knew I was going to get caught. I was the only other person in the house at the time—but I didn’t care. All I wanted was to dig into that apple pie goodness.

I ate the whole thing. I was like a one man pie eating contest; greedily eating as fast as I could.
30 minutes later I was paying for my crimes. I had eaten far too much too quickly and my stomach was making me suffer for it. Worse, my mother—a normally patient and loving woman—had zero sympathy for me. She called me a “little thief” and said to me as I puked my guts out “too much of a good thing can be a bad thing.”

I was grounded for a while, but worse, my mom didn’t make apple pie for a long time after that.

Fast forward through my life and you will find that every so often I will obsess on something to the exclusion of everything. I can’t help myself. It was Lucy Crabtree in the seventh grade. She was a cheerleader and beautiful. I flunked algebra because she was in the same class and I had a difficult time concentrating. A few years later it was a car. For months I killed myself with an after school job trying to save up for a 66 mustang that needed a lot of repair. In college it was another girl—all my grades took a sudden fall. One of my professors took me aside and asked me if I was having personal problems. I think he suspected I might have gotten into drugs. I told him no, but deep down I knew I had a problem.

Which leads me to a month ago. A month ago Matt told me he loved me. I didn’t realize it at that moment, but he let the crazy, obsessive part of me out of the bottle. For the last month I couldn’t get enough of Matt. At first it was great—being in love makes even the most boring things fun. And the sex… the sex was mind blowing. But it’s too hard to maintain that kind of intensity in a relationship for very long. Sooner or later real life makes an appearance.

I’ve got lots to share—a month’s worth of catching up—too much to do all at once. Besides I got to get ready for work. Tonight is a World Series game, plus all the girls at headlights are wearing Halloween costumes—it’s going to be a busy night. I just wanted to drop a little note on the blog and let everyone know that I seem to be back from cloud nine.

More Later!

Ashlyn

PS—Art, please call me. I’m so sorry for the things I said to you on the phone. I’ve been out of my head for the past few weeks. I really miss talking to my friend.

Kat - Friends

Today I ran into one of my old friends. It's weird, because here I was waiting in line to get unloaded and I wanted to go chat with him... to catch up on things. But I couldn't... not like this.

I'm Kat now, I'm not Trip... that life is no longer mine. I thought back to all the people I've met and all the friends I've made over the years. All the memories we share. Those memories betray me, for although they remain mine to recall at any time, they don't belong me... they belong to someone else's past now. The feeling of loss was overwhelming. I'm glad I was waiting in line - I couldn't see. I felt so damn stupid sitting there crying. I hope that nobody noticed - I don't know how I'd have explained it. Luckily, I didn't have to get out of the tractor for awhile and I was able to collect my composure again... barely. I checked myself with critical eye before stepping out of the comfort of that cab - I didn't want anyone to know that I'd been crying and start asking questions or trying to comfort me for something that I couldn't explain to them.

This is not going to be easy. Not easy at all.

Kat - Nocturnal animal

Sorry about the title, I couldn't resist that. Might as well have a little fun with the name, since it's mine now.

Anyhow, it's really weird. I can't sleep, and I feel as wired as squirrel on crack. I live in the middle of nowheresville... and it's a Monday night.

I don't have anything to write about, it was just another day on the farm.

I guess I thought that I might as well share my night-time energy with whoever is still awake out there. Hmmmm You all better not take that the wrong way either... I know what you're thinking - I used to be a guy too, remember?

So, what else can I talk about?

We got a new rooster, a big Rhode Island Red. He's annoying, crows all the time. The other roosters don't seem to be amused, but I haven't seen any fights yet.

Frank and Dorris invited me over to my old place for supper tomorrow. Dorris is a wonderful cook - dare I say she's better than my own mother... maybe, but I won't.

Hmmmm

I'm not sure what else to write about. I'm sure you don't want to hear about me helping stack firewood or clean-up around the yard to prepare for winter, there's not much to tell.

I think I'll just post this little note and... well... I don't really know... maybe I'll watch TV or something - I hope there's something good on at this time of night.

Kat - Changing with the weather

There's a saying that if you don't like the weather in Iowa, "wait a few minutes and it will change."

A couple days ago it was nice autumn weather... wet and chilly. Yesterday it was nice and windy. Today... well, today it was almost like summer-time. I actually changed into shorts this afternoon. I was tempted to go with short-sleeves, but I'm glad that I stuck with the turtleneck. I think it would have been just a tad too cold when the breeze picked up, especially later this afternoon.

It was almost too warm for the turtleneck, especially with this thick mane of mine. At one point, I considered cutting most of this long hair off - After all, it is my hair now. I have to tell you, it's a really tempting idea. Brushing through the mess of it every morning, and drying it after washing. I won't even go into the pain-in-the-ass it can be every Sunday when trying to get ready for church.

I even tried putting my hair up and back in an attempt to determine what I'd look like with shorter hair. I'm not won-over by the idea, I just couldn't get it to look right. Besides, now isn't the best time to go with short hair anyhow - winter is just around the corner.

On that note, I'm going to go out and try to enjoy this wonderful weather. I think the dogs have been jonesing for a nice walk up the hill all day.

Kat - Rainy-Day Melancholy

It's been raining for the past few days, making the fields too wet to work. Since nobody was working in the field today, the afternoon found me home alone as Mom & Dad went to visit friends of theirs and Frank disappeared to do his own thing.

This last week has been a bit tough on me, and I know there were times when I'm sure I was on auto-pilot... just going through the motions. I guess I'm still trying to figure out who I am now.

I fixed myself a cup of hot-chocolate to soothe my mind and I got to thinking. The old Kat used to like coffee, I never have - I wondered if I would enjoy a cup now that I am Kat. I guess I'm still me to some extent, which is somewhat comforting, as this Kat will pass on the coffee.

So far, it seems that I continue to enjoy the things I've always enjoyed in the past - The same movies; trucks, tractors, and such; spinning my tires and slinging mud; great food... meat and potatoes... and deserts... I guess there are two exceptions to that... I'm not sure if I still enjoy sex, though I'm a little scared that I probably do... and girls.

I still admire an "attractive" woman for her beauty, but I find that there's less of a physical desire to be with her, to touch her, to caress her and excite her passion and lust. I see her and I feel an ethereal pleasure in her beauty, her soft silky smooth skin, the gentle curves and graceful motions that she displays... I look upon women more as if they were a piece of fine art.

Now guys, on the other hand... Well, I still find the idea of having sex with guys a bit unnerving. I can't, however, deny that some of them seem to invoke in me a similar reaction to those I once felt in the presence of an attractive girl. Then there's that eternally-curious part of me that wonders what it'd be like... of course, that's immediately tempered by the fact that I'll almost certainly be finding out soon enough.

I'll deal with that later, when the time comes. In the mean-time, I need to find a style I can live with, I'm sure I won't be on the farm the rest of my life... at least, I kinda' hope not. Then there's that whole "what should I do with my life?" question. That's the toughest question for me to answer right now... so many possibilities...

Arthur/Penny: Writer's Block

In my old life, I frequently told people that I didn't believe in writer's block. Part of that was because I seldom wrote fiction. It's not like once you've got things outlined and your research done, an informational article writes itself, but you've got your roadmap, there's not much doubt on what you have to do. You also generally have a deadline, and if you're a professional, "writer's block" isn't much of an excuse. Does a computer programmer get to say "writer's block"? Does an accountant get to say "sorry, guys, I've had a hard time getting into math lately"? Does a carpenter get to say that he's having a hard time making the hammer work for him?

No, no, and no. In fact, I probably had to hold to a stricter schedule than some of them, because if I miss a deadline, I might never work for that editor again, and don't think that word wouldn't get around. They will insist you return your advance and use someone else to fill your space.

Writing a novel on spec, though? It's killing me. I've changed the killer something like three times because even though it makes sense in the outline, once I've started writing and given a character a voice, their planned actions don't seem to fit half the time. And don't even get me started on the characters you plan to kill but enjoy writing. It's not even that I start thinking of them as real people; that would be kindness of a sort. No, this is selfishness - writing character X is fun, and if I kill her, I won't be having as much fun any more.

It's spilled over into this blog, too - I can't turn my computer on without feeling like I should be working on the book. After all, if there's something really important about the Inn situation, I can just call Lyn and talk to her directly.

Drew's saying that the best advice is probably to just put the novel aside for a while and focus on the career that pays me. It's a very practical attitude, but I don't know if I can. He's negotiating with CalSports about what the contingencies in my contract would be if the NLL (National Lacrosse League, which plays indoors during the winter; not to be confused with Major League Lacrosse, which plays outside in the summer) and their players don't arrive at a contract and I don't have games to broadcast, and, honestly? I don't much care. I didn't really enjoy calling MLL games, and traveling to San Jose sounds even less exciting.

All right... Back to the book. This has been a nice distraction, but I really want the book.

-Art/Penny

Kat - Big step, long day, and "Who am I?"

Today was a long day. I got to drive the soybeans to the elevator... mostly a boring job, lots of sitting and waiting when you're getting loaded and unloaded. Actual road-time does take some concentration though - keeping an eye open for traffic behind you wanting to pass, making sure that you don't turn left into a passing vehicle, controlling a slow 80,000 pound vehicle on hilly and uneven terrain without destroying it or killing someone.

Normally, this wouldn't have been a big thing - I mean I'm used to this stuff come harvest time. I used to come home and help dad when I could. But since my problem with falling asleep, I've been scared (and prohibited) to drive for any length of time. On a tractor, every trip is lengthy trip. Anyhow, this medicine they have me on seems to be working, at least well enough that the doctors have okay'd me so I can help out with harvest. I was all excited - I finally got to do something important on my own again.

This year, I got more attention from the elevator crew than I normally do. I find it mildly amusing that this didn't cause me some internal conflict. Instead, I think I rather enjoyed being the center-of-attraction. I know darn-well that I probably made their day, just by showing up. Oh, if they only knew...

Since sitting in a tractor and waiting isn't exactly brain-surgery, my mind kept drifting. I kept revisiting my decision to adopt my new life, and wondered if it really was the right choice. I had to keep assuring myself that it was the best choice for everyone, including myself. Trying to figure out what to do about the future was another thing altogether.

At first, I tried to figure out how I could get my old job back with Kat's resume. I tried to think of ways of somehow listing my education and experience on my new resume - especially now that I no longer appear to be who I was, and since I don't remember any of the experiences of the girl I appear to be. I think I spent most of the afternoon on different plans and ideas before I realized that just yesterday I had decided to accept my new life... new life. I can't be me, but I'm not really Kat either, at least not the Kat that others used to know... I'm someone else, someone new. But who... Who am I now?

Physically, I'm 22 year-old Rebecca Katherine Green... that's what it says on my driver's license. I'm betting that my genetics and DNA and even fingerprints match any records belonging to that name. Inside - mentally... spiritually - I'm 36 year-old Jacob J. "Trip" Jensen... that's what I remember, who I remember being... that's the life I remember experiencing... at least, until that fateful stay at the Inn.

I've read how some of the others affected by the Inn have decided to use different variations of their new names to sort-of stake-out their own identity. I considered doing the same, and perhaps at some point, I still might... but I doubt that I'll be able to change the fact that, as long as I'm in this body, my family will continue to call me "Kat". I have adopted this body, this life... even this name. For now, I think I'll leave that alone - there's no reason to call attention to the changes that others are likely going to be seeing in me.

As for other changes... well, I'm going continue acting like a girl as best I can, since I am one now... I'm no longer going to consider the consequences my decisions will have on the former owner of this life if she were to return. All decisions will be made based on what I feel will be the best for my life. Right now, that means getting to bed so I can help with the farm tomorrow.

Trip / Kat - Cornered...

This morning after breakfast dad asked me if I had figured out what I wanted to do with my life. Never has that question had so different a meaning than the questioner intended. In his eyes, he sees his niece throwing her life away for some unknown reason. When I told him that I just wasn't sure yet, I could see the disappointment on his face. I guess his love for Kat was the same as it had been... is for my sister and I. What really hurt me, though, is that I couldn't tell him what was really troubling me... what was really causing this huge deviation in my life... our lives. Not because he wouldn't believe me (well, maybe that too), but because I, honestly, had no clue what to do about the future.

I could feel my emotions welling-up as I considered our exchange and my own current situation. I decided that I didn't want to lose-it in front of the parents, so I went for a walk up the hill. I used to go there to enjoy the wonderful views of nature at work, and to think and dream. Our dogs, ever vigilant, seemed to sense I was in need of comfort and accompanied me - I wonder if they know who I really am... I wonder if they'd even care... somehow, I think the answer to both those questions is "yes".




When we neared the top, the dogs took chase of a rabbit, leaving me alone to sit and think. I thought through what I could do about my future, trying to decide what to do. I weighed what I wanted and what I valued:

Yes, I could have my old life back... maybe. If I did that, I may have a bit to clean-up from not having been able to take care of things - but I would be me again. I'm sure that it would take a bit to get back into the swing of things after having to pretend to be someone else for so many months. But that would leave Frank in limbo, having to find another body and to adjust again. What would that body be like - he could end up worse-off than he's ever been. And Dorris, Dorris and Frank might be separated. I've seen them together and as weird as it is to see them together (I just really never see Jadyn & I being a couple), they seem to pull it off so well. If I got my own body back, that would mean that someone new would have to become Kat. Kat would almost-certainly get mad at me, but since she's the one who took advantage of me, and got me into this fine mess in the first place - I should be able to disregard her opinion about my life... after all, she did give it to me. I don't think I could do that though, I love her too damn much to hurt her in such a possibly permanent way. Barring that, what if the new Kat was completely different and wanted nothing to do with our family, or otherwise did something that was hurtful to the people I love. I'm not sure I want to live with that much guilt.

I don't know if any of you remember this, but I've long had this strange curiosity about what it would be like to be a girl. So it should be a certainty that I'd be happy if I got to stay permanently, right? Wrong. I don't like periods - I think I found that out the first day of my first one. I don't think Kat was ever as moody and irritable as I am. This hair is a pain, it takes forever to dry and the tangles. Having to deal with make-up and screwed-up fasteners, zippers, & hooks on some of the clothes is a major hassle - albeit, I get very lucky that I don't have to deal with them every day. It sucks being short, well okay, 5'7" isn't really short for a girl, but it makes it tough for me to reach things I used to have no problem with. If I decided to keep things as they are, I may have to wear make-up and style my unruly mane every day... and not just once a day, mind you - that stuff needs maintenance throughout the day.

What about having a family? I'd have to choke-down my mental aversion to making out with a guy, and somehow convince myself that what I was doing was normal. I would have to let this hairy, sweaty beast have sex with me. I would have to let him get me pregnant - and this wouldn't just be a try on a maternity-sympathy-suit thingy for a day or two - this would be 9-months of dealing with whatever changes my body would go through... living with it every day, 24-hours-a-day. Knowing that when the pregnancy is over, I'd experience labor and child-birth... not as a father who looks on helplessly as his wife struggles with effort... and pain - but as the mother who is suffering through the ordeal, wanting it to be done already. And this would happen for each son or daughter that we had. I think if it was temporary and I could experience pregnancy for a short period of time, a small slice of the pregnancy - I would be tickled - but having to live the entire experience is a bit... frightening, I guess would be the right word. Sure I could pass on the whole having kids thing - or even the getting-married part, but I don't think my body will let me. I know that if I decide to become Kat, it won't be long before I give in to my carnal desires. I just hope that I can convince myself that I'm her enough that I forget that I'm not... or wasn't.

I briefly considered suicide - it would end my problems - Frank & Dorris get to remain happy. But Kat would be pissed beyond belief, and my family would devastated. It's rather selfish, and sure as hell ends any aspirations I had of seeing many of the wonders of the world.

It's not much of a choice: Take a chance at regaining what I'd lost, risk hurting my family and friends and losing thing that I hold dear; or play with the hand that's been dealt to me, and risk... well, nothing that any other woman doesn't risk in her life... the only thing that I risk is losing myself... losing my old self.

And that's the thing, you see - I guess this is somewhat like losing a limb or a sense or becoming paralyzed or afflicted by some disease... it's a life-changing event, you will probably never be the same as you once were - and you can't go back... you have to just take that next step, you have to move-on. You have to set a new course through life and set-sail.

That's what I have to do. I have to accept that trying to go back to the way things were will hurt the ones I love and in-turn myself. I have to accept that this is my new life, and that I face no greater threat to my well-being than any other woman. I have to face the fact that I should re-examine my goals and then take that next step.

Given what I value most, I have but one direction in which to move... forward.

Trip / Kat - Shopping, and the road trip hits Iowa

Small towns are great most of the time. However, they're not so good for hosting meetings in a discrete manner. Everybody just has to know all the little details of who your guests are, how you met, why they're visiting, how long will they be staying... you get the idea.

It was for this reason that us Iowa victims chose to meet Jessica & Louisa somewhere else. After a short brain-storming session, we decided on Des Moines, as it was not too far out of the way for Jessica & Louisa, and provided the rest of us with a workable (and not too far from the truth) cover-story for the short trip. Des Moines happens to be a good place to get parts (for whatever piece of equipment Frank decides needs one), and for shopping for the fall and winter work clothes that Kat seems to be lacking, and for which, I am in need.

The plan was to meet Jessica and Louisa at Applebee's for lunch. Mainly because it was the most convenient for everyone - but also, because the menu wasn't as spicy, and it allowed us to be sociable without being rushed. Since this was supposed to be a parts-run for us, and we were actually in Des Moines before they were even in Iowa, we took the opportunity to run our errands before meeting them for lunch.

This was really my first shopping experience as a girl, and let me tell you - it was overwhelming! I've "been a girl" for months now, and that certainly helps - I'd hate to think of what it would have been like to try this those first few days... well, other than the fact that I would have, at first, been in heaven. Anyhow, I've just been trying to coordinate outfits from clothing that I didn't have to know the size of... shopping is that, plus having some idea of your own body's dimensions and shape... knowing what looks good on your body... and then trying it on to ensure proper fit and look... and the selections to choose from were much larger than the closet at home.

Dorris was a real trooper too. I wasn't sure she'd be any help at ensuring I didn't pick something out-of-style, but we both seemed to shy away from anything risky (or risque either) and stuck with some more traditional and timeless pieces. I really wish Jaci... Ja... I guess Jaci is probably the least confusing for everyone, she's been living as and going by "Jaci" now. And it's not looking like either one of those two are planning on changing things. I'm sorry, I guess I'm still just a bit bitter by Kat.. Pete's decision about my future. Even though it helps Frank, and makes... Pete happy... I'm still not sure I'm happy with it.

Anyhow, I should get back on topic here... I really wish that Jaci could have been able to make it down, she's been really good with fashion knowledge and general knowledge about how to not look out of place. I'm hoping that Dorris & I did okay. At least I had Dorris with me, more than a few times she was able to dispense some sage advice about making sure that I got the right size. Had I gone on my own, I'd certainly be in pain sooner or later. I'll have to try and get with Jaci later and see how bad Dorris & I did.

I was hoping that I'd recognize them when they arrived, but they had beaten us to the restaurant and a very perky Jessica called out and came down to lead us to our table. It was impossible to believe that she was anything but the super-charged, ambitious, teenage girl she appeared to be.

I hadn't been sure that we would have any useful information for our two sleuths, but it didn't seem to bother them at all. They seemed more interested in just having new friends with whom they had this whole unbelievable story in common. I can't disagree with that line of thinking at all. After ordering drinks, we took care of the business-end of things, by exchanging more detailed contact information - and information about Frank & Dorris' 'former' lives, and what information I had about 'Pete' & 'Chris'.

Louisa, Frank, Dorris, and I all discussed how we had been adjusting to our recent changes, and even prodded Jessica a little about how her recent changes in getting out of high-school were going. At first, a bit annoyed that we were poking-fun at her, she quickly shifted gears and shared her thoughts of relief and concern at moving on, to again another life. It was a bit reassuring to hear that and think that even without the changes the Inn effected, life has a way of changing in a very large way. I tried not to bring the mood of the meeting down when my turn came, but I think that they could all see the affect of my recent visit from 'Pete', and seemed to steer me around it. I could see in Jessica's eyes, that there was a glint of recognition... or familiarity... and once our meals arrived, I'd all but forgotten the moment.

Then again, I could be mistaken... and it was nothing at all.

After lunch we... well, more like Frank, decided to have some dessert and I became more of an observer as Frank, Dorris, Louisa, and sometimes even Jessica settled in on some menial topics of conversation. I think it was at that point, when I felt like a child who was lost to the conversation, that I realized just who the witty, geeky, brown-haired teen and the attractive, dark-haired woman with the big, brown eyes weren't the women I saw on the outside... They both possessed an air of wisdom that contradicted their apparent ages. I was awestruck, as if I'd seen proof supporting the old saying, "Never judge a book by its cover."

It seemed much too short that we had to part ways, and soon I watched as they drove off, heading North for their next stop and we had to head home to finish chores.

Trip / Kat - Scared...

I feel sick.

I've been crying off and on since Ka... Pete left Sunday.

It's a huge step, a huge risk... trying to just take over this life and live the rest of my life as someone I wasn't born to be.

Or maybe I was, who knows.

This is just... I don't know.

It's almost like when I moved away for college so many years ago... well, okay a bit different... in a weird sort of way.

Maybe what I need to do is to try an embrace this life, and make it my own.

That sounds so easy... yet it seems worlds away.

I don't know... I'm having trouble sleeping again... and now I'm just rambling.

Maybe I made the wrong decision... I just don't know.

Trip / Kat - Innocence Lost ???

Kat stopped by yesterday while Mom & Dad were visiting my sister.

I suspected that she'd want to talk about her plans for the future, and I guess that I've been totally up-in-arms about what I was going to do.

I'm not the type of guy who would kick a guy like Frank out into the cold - I'm not sure that I could force him to gamble at the Inn again so I could get my old life back. After what some of the others went through, I'm not certain that I really want to chance trying it myself either.

It feels like it's been so long ago... that other life. There would be so much that has changed, or that would need to change again. I remember how weird and foreign it felt when I woke that morning, and how long it's taken just to feel somewhat comfortable in this skin. I'm not sure I really want to go through that again. It'd almost be like becoming someone else again - and that's if my own form was returned to me.

So there I was, not looking forward to having to leave this body and take a chance at trying to get my life back... not looking forward to having to kick Frank out of my body... not looking forward to taking a chance at another life and hoping it's better than either one I've had... nor was I really looking forward to spending the rest of my life as Kat, either.

But there they were... really the only choices I had open to me.



Our conversation was guarded... almost silent as we sat there and sipped some hot cocoa.

I wasn't sure how to begin. How do I tell her all the things I'm thinking... all the things that eat at me everyday lately?

She smiled slightly before asking me, "Well, what do you think?"

My look of confusion as to the nature of her question was clear.

"What do you think, now that you've been a girl for while?"

I paused, thinking, before answering, "It's okay, has it's pros and cons... not too bad a place to visit, but I wouldn't want to live here."

The smile melted from her face as she apologized. "I'm sorry, I thought it's what you wanted."

I explained that I was honored that she would entrust me with her body... her life, allowing me to experience life as a girl... her life... to be her - for awhile. But that I never expected... okay, wanted, it to be a permanent change.

I could see the pain in her face ease as we talked more. I told her of my dilemma, told her of Frank & Dorris and how they had no body to return to, no life to return to now - and how conflicted I've felt about both getting my life back and living a lie... trying to keep her life intact.

I told her how I'd considered the prospect of keeping her life, given the current situation with Frank & Dorris.

She told me how she had found her new life very rewarding. She explained that the former owner of her new life had seemingly embarked on some endeavor, and that he wasn't at all interested in returning to his old life. She told me how odd it seemed, as the family has some money, and life has been "pretty cool" as she put it. I find it odd myself, that someone would walk away from a life where they could have it pretty easy.

But it's not like she could force him to take his life back... especially since she didn't really want to. I could see that there was genuine joy behind those eyes as he told me of some of the places he'd been, and things he'd seen and done.

The conversation turned, once more, to an awkward silence which Kat broke by changing the subject to something that I've tried to avoid... sex. Talk about awkward. I'm almost positive that she was imagining me naked. I'm not sure if my stomach feeling nervous was more from feeling ill from the thought, or from being flattered and perhaps a bit aroused. I mean, biologically... in our current forms, we're not related any more.

After a heated exchange as to why I didn't and she did try sex "from the other side", she showed me some of the items that she kept hidden from everyone - scolding me for being so damn uptight as she went. I told her that I hadn't been thinking of this as my body, nor was it my life to mess up.

I'm not sure when, exactly, I fell prey to her little game... but she definitely had my number. I'm not sure what I'd call where we ended-up - it wasn't really sex - but it was an absolutely wonderful feeling. I'd never felt more vulnerable and weak and scared as I did then - It was as if I had no choice, as if resisting would be futile... then I felt myself just surrendering and trusting him with my... with my very being. Amazing! I'd never felt anything like that in my life - I still tingle every time I think about it. And all this without disrobing.

It's difficult to think about not wanting to enjoy being a girl more - even though it can be a real hassle and sometimes even a hindrance. Barring things like a visit to the Trading Post Inn, every girl grows up through womanhood, and they all live through it just as fine as a boy or a man. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad.

I don't think Kat played very fair. It was like coaxing an animal into a trap.

I don't know... if we just leave things the way they are: Frank and Dorris can be happy; Kat can be happy... even I can find some happiness.

Trip / Kat - Weekend Blues

This should be an interesting weekend. Kat called and wants to talk to me in person, she says it's important but wouldn't elaborate. I'm not sure whether this will be a good meeting or not. So I'm going to be all on-edge until Sunday afternoon now.

That probably won't help me enjoy Saturday night. Jaci is planning... OMG! I'm already thinking of her as Jaci. Oh, this is so... I don't know... I guess it's true how the Inn's curse seems to prevent everyone from believing that things aren't as they seem. I'm definitely going to have a difficult time enjoying 'Jaci's' party tomorrow night. I'll just have to remind myself that I cannot drink my worries away anymore. The last thing I need is some guy taking advantage of my self-imposed alcoholic mood enhancement and reintroducing me to the male anatomy.

Maybe I should just stay at home, lock the doors, kill the lights and turn off my phone.

I think I could use a drink right now.

Trip / Kat - Roast beef

I can't sleep. Rather ironic for a narcoleptic.

I guess I've been ignoring this blog a bit longer than I should... nothing much to write about:

Working outside in the cold rain without a jacket is still not a good thing to do, I caught a cold. It was bad enough that Mom insisted I go to the doctor. That shouldn't have been a big deal, but when they decided that it was about time for 'my' annual check-up, and that they could fit me in - well, that's a different story. It's not really as bad as I'd first thought it would be, still... it was no picnic... and not something that I really want to talk about in detail - I felt so embarrassed... still do, I guess. I'm not so sure that it's something I'd ever get used to.

Jaci's kinda' stopped talking to me again. But not anything bad - this time it's due to the fact that she's picked up a second job working at the convenience-store / gas-station a couple towns over, in Finley. She wakes up early for that job, then heads to Shady Acres - after that, she usually just crashes. I can't blame her, I'd be beat too.

As you already know, Jessica and Louisa are road-tripping to find out more about the Inn - I'm pleased that they want to stop by and visit with us up here. It's not every day that I can talk to someone who would believe my story... well, other than Jaci... and Frank... and Dorris. Anyhow, I'm all giddy about it. It's a bummer that they're delayed now. I know Jaci was planning on taking the day off to visit with them, but I don't know if she'll be able to join us now. I guess we'll figure it out after their car problems are all sorted-out. I just hope that their car problems don't come with weird, life-changing side-effects like my last car problem did.

Okay, think happy thoughts, think happy thoughts, think happy thoughts.

Hmmmm...

Well... I should probably go to the kitchen and slice some potatoes, onion, and carrots for the roast we're going to have for supper tonight. It'll be one less thing for me to have to deal with tomorrow... today... whenever.

Roast beef... that reminds me - have any of you ever seen what happens when a cow gets hit by lightning? It's not pretty. And, no, that's not where tonight's roast came from.

So much for happy thoughts. I must be losing my mind. God, periods suck.

Jessica--Stopping in Texas

Intellectually, I know my Mom really isn’t my Mom. I was turned into the duplicate of her ten-year-old daughter and was forced to live Jessica’s life. Things were difficult for both of us in the early days of my transformation. She couldn’t understand why I had gone through such a massive personality change basically overnight and I resented being treated as a child. It wasn’t her fault I was living a life I didn’t want to live, but I tended to take my frustrations out on her. What can I say? I was…childish.

My new mother had the patience of a saint and she loved me unconditionally. Eventually I started thinking of this person who took care of me, who fed, clothed and cared for my well being, as more than just the person who told me to eat my vegetables and clean my room.

A couple of years later, when whatever ‘magic’ that kept her from believing I was someone other than her daughter finally went away, and I was able to convince her I wasn’t really Jessica; her reaction was harsh. She grabbed me by the shoulders and shook me, demanding to know what I had done to her daughter. I told her my story. About how I was really a male Police detective and how a case took me to an Inn in Maine. The same Inn her daughter had visited with friends on a summer vacation. How the curse turned me into her little girl, and how I became trapped when my original body was killed in the line of duty.

She said she couldn’t stand looking at me. She said I was a reminder of what she had lost.

I ran away from home. I had the life experience of a forty year old cop so I knew living on the street was not a safe place for a little girl, but I had no place to go; I just knew I couldn’t stay there in my Mom’s house any longer.

I didn’t even make three days. Everyone notices a little girl on her own. Ironically the local cops nabbed me. My Mom was waiting for me at the police station; her eyes red from crying and worry. She hugged me. With tears in her eyes she says I thought I had lost you.

Softly, so as to not be overheard by any officers I say to her that I am not really her daughter. I’m really not Jessica.

It doesn’t matter to her. She tells me that even though I might not be Jessica, for the last two years I had been her daughter, and she had loved me all that time. Knowing the truth didn’t change how she felt about me.

From that day on I’ve thought of her as my Mom.



Louisa and I were sitting in a small café in the city of Tyler Texas when my Mom called.

“Hi Mom.”

“Hi sweetie. I hadn’t heard from you lately.”

The truth is I haven’t called her in the last week. I had been putting off our conversation. “You know how it is; Louisa and I have been busy with our road trip. We are in Tyler Texas having enchiladas and sweet iced tea. The enchiladas taste great, but they are a little greasy. ”

There was a moment of silence. I could sense her disapproval through the phone lines.

“Shouldn’t this trip be done? Shouldn’t you be in California? Are you going to be late for the start of classes?”

I was hoping to have a little small talk before we had this conversation. Oh well.

“Yeah. About that…” I imagined pulling off a band aid as quickly as I could, in theory saving some pain. I went with the conversational equivalent and talked as quickly as I could.

“I’ve decided to start classes at mid-semester. I’m taking the first semester off. This road trip has become important to me, and I think it is going to take us a few more weeks. Please don’t be mad.”

She was mad.

“I don’t know what has gotten in to you lately!” Mom let me have it through the phone. “Every since you started hanging out with these ‘people’ who say they have also been cursed—“

“They are cursed Mom. You just don’t believe it because of the magic.” I stated.

“That is so convenient for them isn’t it? How can you know if they are lying?” She asked.

“I know Mom, I can tell.”

The conversation went downhill. She wanted me to get to school, and I wanted to wait and finish the road trip. We got to screaming at each other. I had been reduced to a teenage girl arguing with her mother on the phone, and was acting the part like a natural. My Mom had the ability to bring that out of me.

I slam the phone on the table when we are done.

“She drives me crazy. She doesn’t listen to me. I try to tell her I had talked to my student advisor, and had already made arraignments with the school to start at mid-semester, but she keeps saying ‘what if you lose you scholarship?’ over and over. Urg!”

“She’s just worried about you.” Louisa tells me.

We were sitting in a booth in the small café. Our waitress came over and refilled my diet coke.

“I know. I just wish she would trust me more.”

“I don’t think it is because she doesn’t trust you. I think it has a lot to do with the fact she has already lost one daughter to circumstances beyond her control. All this conversation about the Inn probably makes her remember what she has been through. It probably makes her nervous.”

I sighed. Louisa was right. “I’ll give her a call later and try to patch things up—but I am still finishing this trip.”

Louisa nods, “Well we have a problem. The mechanic called while you were talking to your mom.”

I was having a bad day. First I have a blow up with my Mom, and now I could see by the expression on Louisa’s face she was going to give me bad news. My car had started making a funny noise just outside of Tyler. Just as we crossed the city limits the car died altogether. It was bad. Smoke started pouring out from under the hood.

“The engine has major issues. It’s going to take days. Repairs are going to be expensive too.”

“Fuck!” The car had been a High School graduation gift. It was a used car, a 2002 Ford Mustang. I hadn’t been driving it for that long, but I had already bonded with it. I love that car. Worse, expensive repairs were not in my budget; especially since I was on an extended road trip and not currently making any money.

“Don’t worry about the repairs. I’ll pay for that; but we are stuck in the area for a while.” Louisa states.

“Oh, I don’t know about making you pay.” I don’t know what else we could do, but it didn’t seem like the right thing to do.

“Don’t worry about it. I could not have hired someone to give me the kind of help you have given me to find Marie. Let me do this for you.”

Our waitress came over and sat a piece of pie in front of me. “Here you go honey; you looked like you needed it.” She was right.

We decided to rent a car and continue on to Dallas and come back a few days later. In Dallas we were going to drop in on Stephen Jefferies, the guy who took over Jake’s life.

You can’t tell where Dallas starts and where it’s surrounding cities end. Maybe that’s why the people here call it the metroplex, because it was like one monster city. We find “Jakes” company in the city of Addison, not Dallas. Apparently Addison supported many technical businesses, and a computer animation company fit right in there.

‘J&S Motion Graphics’ was a fairly impressive company. It was a stylish building with hip furniture and art. An attractive receptionist sat behind a front desk, she gave us a pleasant smile as we walked up.

“Welcome to J&S Motion Graphics. What can I do for you today?” She had a pleasant Texas twang to her voice.

“We are here to see Jake Mathews.” Louisa tells her.

“Do you have an appointment?”

“No, but I think he will want to see us. We are from the Trading Post Inn.”

“Have a seat. I’ll see if he is available.”

We find a place to sit, and Louisa looks around. “He set this entire business up in a year? No wonder our Ashlyn was so upset about what the new Jake was accomplishing with her old life. This is impressive.”

“Yes, it is.” I agreed. “She did get depressed about her old life after she did research of how ‘Jake’ was doing didn’t she.” I agreed.

“It is easy to understand. I think anyone would be upset to see some living your life better than you could—“

It was then that Jake Mathews walked in. He wasn’t what I expected. I’ve read the blog from the beginning, and my mental impression of Jake was of a common guy, a tad short and a bit over-weight. This Jake was a hair short at five foot nine, but he was in great shape, and sporting a designer suit and haircut. He looked good. He seemed mildly surprised to see us.

“I was expecting someone else when you said you were from the Trading Post Inn.”

“Ashlyn didn’t make this trip.” Louisa assumed he was referring to Ashlyn. “She has moved on with her life.”

He gives us a calculated look over. “Good for Red.”

“You didn’t give her much of a choice.” I was trying to not be antagonistic, but Ashlyn is a friend, and I had taken an instant dislike to this man.

He looks at his watch. “I’m a busy man. Why are you here?”

“Consider it an exchange of information. We are trying to learn as much about the Inn as possible. Maybe you have questions as well. We were hoping for a conversation.” Louisa says.
He hesitates, but agrees to talk with us. “Let’s go back to my office. We can have a little privacy there.”

His office was even more posh than the front entrance. It was all wood, glass and brass. It screamed high dollar.

“You’ve done incredibly well in less than a year. This company is very impressive.” I say to him.

“We put out a good product. Our on staff artists do good things.” He replies briskly. He takes a seat behind his desk, and motions for us to have a set across from him.

“I assume you have both been to the Inn?” He asks.

We both nod yes.

“Going to that Inn was the best thing that ever happened to me in 30 years.” He leaned back in his chair.

“So other than Art and Ashlyn, have you met anyone else from the Inn?” I asked him.

He took a moment to answer. “No. You guys are the first.” He answers. I got the impression he was lying.

“Red wanted her body back. Would it have been as easy as going back to the Inn for a second time?”

“Are you changing your mind? Are you going to offer Jake his body back?” I was surprised.

“Oh no. I’m very happy where I am right now.” His face expressed a smirk. “I’m thinking about the future. Sooner or later this body will get old too. I wanted to know if I could go to the Inn a second time. Pick up a younger model.”

He turned my stomach. Poor Ashlyn, a monster was living her old life.

“That wouldn’t be ethical.” Louisa states.

‘Jake’ shakes his head in annoyance. “Sure, you say that now, but I wonder what you would say in fifty years from now. Imagine being old and sick, possibly dying. You tell me you wouldn’t revisit the Inn and live another lifetime? Yeah, right.”

It took a ton of self control, but I kept the conversation civil. I wanted to learn things from this man more than I wanted to give him a piece of my mind. We talked for another ten minutes, but it became apparent we weren’t going to learn much.

It was time for plan B.

“You know, it might be a good idea for us to exchange information from time to time. Maybe I should give you my contact information.”

He brought out a day planner and wrote our information into it.

“I also have some pages on the Inn I would be willing to share with you. You could make copies.” I flashed a fairly thick folder in front of him. He was interested.

I handed him the pages and he started to call the receptionist in to take the pages and make copies.

“Are you comfortable with her seeing this stuff? I just think the fewer people who know about the Inn the better.”

He hesitated; I could tell he was uncomfortable with the idea of leaving us in his office alone.

“We could wait out front. I think this meeting is about done. Do you have anything else to ask Louisa?”

She nodded no.

We all headed out. I was hoping he wouldn’t notice I had purposely forgotten my purse.

We take our seats again in reception, and the moment ‘Jake” walked away I whispered to Louisa “Ask for directions to the hotel. Get her to google it. Be very confused.”

Louisa didn’t waste any time. Very quickly the two of them were in a deep discussion about the local highways.

“Omigosh!” I jump up. “I left my purse. I’ll just go get it.” The receptionist offered to go get it for me, but I was halfway down the hall.

I knew there were about sixty pieces of paper in the folder I had given Jake. I was hoping it would take a few minutes to copy all that. I walk into his office and close the door behind me. I grab my purse and pull out my cell phone. You gotta love these cell phones these days. My favorite non-phone feature? The camera. I grab the day planner and as quickly as I could took pictures of as many pages as I felt comfortable. I focused on the contact information pages.
A few minutes later I rejoin Louisa in the reception area. They were still discussing the best way to get to the hotel.

Not too much later ‘Jake’ returned with my folder and we shook hands and said our goodbyes.

“If you learn anything else, please share it with me.” He says as we leave.

“I’m all about exchanging information.” I tell him.

As we walk to the car, Louisa stopped me. “What did you do?”

“I didn’t believe him when he said he hadn’t met anyone else from the Inn. I got a copy of his address book. If he does know someone else from the Inn, maybe we will get lucky and he had their contact information.”

Louisa shakes her head in disbelief. “You are so cunning.”

“I prefer sneaky.” I couldn’t wait to get back to the hotel and start going through the names I photographed.

Jessica

Ashlyn--A reply to Darren

Darren/Jaime wrote this:

A year later he can’t wait to jump into bed and blow a guy! What the hell is this! Jake; whoever you are, you really want to be a chick? What about your family… your life? All it takes is a year to convince yourself that “I more or less like who I am now.” It sounded like you had a good life so why do you need a “fresh start”? Do you just give up? You’ve got to keep fighting and tell yourself you’ll get through this! Despite the despair I’ve felt I’ve kept myself going by knowing that I’ll get my life back. I’m certain of it.

Dude, I hope you get your old life back. No one should have their lives stolen from them.

But that’s not going to happen for me. I’m going to be Ashlyn for the rest of my life. Do I want to be a chick? It doesn’t matter—I am a chick. There is no choice for me. I decided that instead of clinging to flase hope that maybe Stephen would do the right thing and give me my life back; I would instead move forward with my life. Sure, it's the life of a woman--but after a while I decided that wasn't such a bad thing. Today--probably because I am on an emotional high because of my relationship with Matt--I'm happy to be a woman.

I was amused by what Art wrote in his comment to your post about forcing Jeremy back to the Inn. When I first found out that Stephen wasn’t going to give me my life back I swear I sat around and day dreamed scenarios in which I forced him back to the Inn. My favorite idea involved borrowing some thug help from Jean-Michel and kidnapping “Jake” and tying him to a bed. I had even imagined Stephen would be changed into some wanted criminal and as he awoke to his new life I would say, “You better start running now, I’ve already called the police.” The idea still appeals to me.

Sometimes when I am hanging with Art, Jessica or Louisa, and I show up in a little skirt and a top that shows a ton of cleavage, I notice the raised eyebrows on their face. I think I know what they are thinking: “Dude you sure have adapted fast.” And that’s okay, I did adapt quickly. I had a pretty decent life as Jake, but I was really lacking in the personal relationships department. Sure I had a cool job, but it forced me to work alone in my apartment for days at a time—worse, meeting people and making friends as Jake was always a struggle for me. Most of my friends were people I talked to online. I had even become friends with Art online. I had never met him in person until we met at the Trading Post Inn. I know it’s shallow, but it is so easy to make friends as Ashlyn. Not to sound vain—which I am—but being attractive has it’s bonuses. I love the attention being Ashlyn brings—everyone wants to know me and spend time with me. I love it, and I think it has made it easy to adapt to my new life.

Right now you are relatively new to being cursed and being female. Everything is scary and awkward and you are going to bed every night praying you’ll wake up as your old self. But after a while slipping on a pair of panties isn’t such a big deal—or wearing a bra—or having a period. It goes from being an “ohmigod” moment to just being a part of life. I have an appointment with my gynecologist next week—it will be my first time. When Ashlyn’s first appointment came up I cancelled it. I couldn’t imagine going. This time I am a little nervous, but I am going—it’s just a part of being a woman. Besides, I need a new prescription for my birth control—which is also just a part of being a woman.

I know it seems impossible to you right now—but given enough time, you too will adjust to being Jaime. There is nothing wrong with adapting—what’s the alternative? Living like a hermit for the rest of your life?

Ashlyn

Trip / Kat - Twisted

After getting back from Nicole's little road-trip adventure, I was feeling a bit uncomfortable about things from my current point-of-view.

Nicole has always been a looker - she's one of those girls who is always making the boys' heads turn. Even though she's quite a bit younger than I was - she had that effect on me - HAD, that effect - even when I tried to think of her in a sexual manner, I found it very difficult to feel turned-on. I don't know if it's because I'm getting used to looking at my own naked female body, or if it has something to do with my being someone else now. Maybe it's the fact that I've tried to condition myself with shame and guilt every time I started to feel aroused when looking at my own naked body... my cousin's naked body.

I didn't put much thought into the issue - I mean, I'm still wary of any intimate contact... I just don't see this as being my body.

But then... I caught a glimpse of Bill after he lost his trunks in the lake. The feeling was a bit different, but much the same as I remember it... I had to have turned a thousand shades of red when I realized that Bill caught me staring. He seemed to be a gentleman about it, and he never said a word about it... though I'm pretty sure it helped ease his flirting along. Every time he brushed against me, or grabbed my hand to help me up, or put his hand in the small of my back... My God, I thought I was going to melt! I was so damn confused... and scared, I wanted to go home and hide - but it felt so nice, too, that I didn't want it to end.

I had to know, was this just some residual feeling that I had from when Kat and Bill dated... or was this all me... well, the new me, anyhow.

So, my cousin Anna and I went clubbing - and that seemed to confirm that I am still much more interested in members of the opposite sex. Just that now, that means men. I'm not really sure I'm too happy with that... even though my body seems quite eager.

Although, I'm fairly curious as to what sex might feel like from this perspective - I'm certainly in NO hurry to act on anything and find out for real - that's for sure.

I guess I no-longer have any idea what that makes my sexual orientation now... besides twisted.

Louisa/"Marie": Home, such as it is

Jo-Jo/Jane: Missing in action

New Orleans is still a work in progress after two years, sad to say. Ashlyn said that one of the people from her group had wound up there, but he/she seems to have disappeared even more thoroughly than the rest. Josiah Johnson was a professional basketball player nearing the end of his career when he came to the inn; he had left with the identity of a college student named Jane Collins. Pretty much par for the course for that group, especially the fact that he/she stopped posting to the blog soon after the transformation.

What wasn't normal was that he had apparently deleted his posts when he stopped. Nobody realized this at first; we had stopped for the night and were looking to do some research, to brush up on our knowledge of "Jo-Jo"/Jane before knocking on his door, only to find that all his posts were gone. Ashlyn happened to be online at the time and Jessica sent her a message about this, and she said she would look into it. A few minutes later, she said she couldn't find any trace of the messages - with a couple of side comments about how he had always kept a backup for work but never thought to do so for this - and didn't like it. She was trying to find a way in Blogger to keep messages from being deleted from now on, or at least only deleted by someone with admin right like herself or Arthur, because she didn't like the idea of their history being rewritten or papered over like that.

This sent Jessica into full-on Nancy Drew mode (although she has resisted every effort for me to make that nickname stick; besides, she will say in teen-girl-iest voice, Veronica Mars is way cooler). We spent our first day in New Orleans on the Tulane campus, with Jess pretending to be everything from a high-schooler on a campus visit to a friend of Jane's from "home" trying to find her. We eventually found out she dropped out after her first semester.

We weren't sure what that meant, at first. I supposed that it might be like this for a lot of transformees - you wind up in someone else's life, go along with it for a few months, and then decide that the way it's set up just isn't for you. Jane had been a communications major and Josiah an athlete, and while Arthur has been getting a first-hand look at how the two can go together, maybe that wasn't something Josiah was looking to investigate.

Jess wasn't so sure. "There's something going on here. I thought it was just a cursed inn, but when you throw people into the mix... Look at what Jeremy Boyd did to Art and Nell, that bogus FBI agent, Ashlyn's stalker... People use this thing, and Josiah Johnson could be in trouble."

The Other Josiah Johnson

The person who became Josiah Johnson was also in New Orleans; the original had had some business interests there - investments in two or three restaurants. After an embarrassing attempt to play in the NBA after the curse - the new Johnson was released by three different teams before calling it quits, he relocated down here, in part to be close to the original Johnson, in case he needed help living the life.

Before the change, he'd been a waiter in Lewiston, Maine; he kind of liked being a part-owner of a couple places. He's also extremely good-looking; I haven't felt this attracted to someone since I was a much younger woman. I guess it showed; Jessica was smirking at me the whole time.

Still, he didn't seem interested in me; he's probably acquired a girlfriend by now, anyway - a handsome former pro athlete in his mid-thirties with a little money stashed away is going to just trip over them. It took me a little off-guard, though, I must admit - in my old life, I was past that sort of fire. I had settled down, and my body had changed the way it does for women of a certain age. That men would look at me like that is strange; that I would find myself looking at them the same way seemed even more shocking.

He seemed to be a nice guy. He's shifted a lot of the investments he inherited from the original Josiah to New Orleans, saying that he fell in love with the city on first sight. Besides, it's not as if he actually earned the money his predecessor had left him with, so if he loses his shirt - well, easy come, easy go.

It didn't take long for Jessica to ask about the original Josiah, and he looked a bit nervous for a minute. "Jo doesn't want anybody following her. She's... She's trying to start from scratch."

Jessica looked skeptical. "She didn't want her life back?"

"She did, but... Look, she wasn't doing well in school, and then I was embarrassing her on the court, and I was screwing up things with the ex-wife. It was a bad situation either way you looked at it."

I remarked that the best thing to do in that situation was probably to cut all ties, but he shook his head.

"Maybe it would be, but... They had a kid, about three years old now. Anyway, since I'm paying a bunch of child support, I've got a say in who gets hired as a nanny. That was Jo's idea, not mine, but I guess it's working out. When I saw her on a visit in February, she said she didn't want to switch back - she likes being with her little boy too much."

Ah. Well, Jess asks, where are they...?

Josiah says he could tell us or we could probably find out on our own, but she wants to be left alone. If every other lead we have runs dry, call him back, but doesn't Jo deserve her privacy?

I guess she does, and Jess agrees reluctantly. I don't think she's completely ruled out foul play, but she seems to believe Josiah's story can be true.

Baton Rouge

As it was with Jessica, the first place we stopped in my home town was the cemetery. I felt very strange standing at Frank's grave. I missed him, certainly, but I didn't feel the great emptiness in my heart that I had when I came to visit him just a few months earlier. I told him I wish we had gone to the inn together, a year earlier, so that we could have this second youth and adventure together. Of course, with our luck, we probably would have wound up brother and sister (and the wrong ones, at that!), and Frank would have felt terrible about someone else inheriting his cancer.

Jessica had stood with me at first, but retreated after a few minutes to give me some privacy. She asked if I was okay when I came back to the car.

"I'm not sure. This trip, that man back in New Orleans... I'm starting to feel young again, like I don't belong with him. I'm not sure I like it."

"Yeah, I know. Let's see what we can do about making things right for you."

The school year had started, so we spent the day wandering around the city. I showed Jess some of my favorite places, told her how the neighborhoods had changed, and the like. It's kind of fun to be a tourist in your home town. We had an early dinner at a place Frank and I had always gone on special occasions. I did find, much like on our previous stop, that this body isn't really adapted to Cajun cuisine; it seemed to stick in my chest more than it ever had before I changed.

The new Louisa wasn't home afterwards, so we checked ourselves into a hotel and waited for the next day. We repeated this a few times, and I cursed the fact that I had never invested in a cell phone or an answering machine. Jessica was surprised by that, but what can I say; we were old and set in our ways and they always seemed like luxuries.

Yesterday, we finally stopped by the school. Jess made a few comments about how she couldn't seem to get away from those places. It's not the greatest neighborhood, so we had to get past a guard with a story about how I was Jessica's aunt and her parents had died and we were moving into the area and wanted to look around before we decided on public or private schools. It got us in, and we headed to the library.

Seeing yourself is shocking. I don't know how twins manage to take it in stride, because seeing someone who looked just like I did - or I was supposed to - made me almost faint. Not a bad thing, all in all, since it drew her over to us.

She asked if she could help. Well, I said, maybe I can help her. My name is legally Marie Desjardins, but before I stayed in room nine of the Trading Post Inn...

It's amazing how pleased she was to meet me - she shook my hand, said it was an honor, complimented my taste in music and clothes, and told me all my friends were wonderful. Some of the other people in her group had gotten into terrible situations, but I appeared to be living a good life.

I told her she seemed to be doing fairly well by it; she seemed cheerful and had a sparkle in her eye. I was afraid I hadn't been like that for a couple years before my visit. "Well," she said, "I suppose it's because..." A student walked up, and we agreed to talk after school.

We went to a different restaurant after she finished work. "This is going to sound strange," she said as we we waited for salads, "but I was a man before, and it had never felt right. I ran across the Trading Post Inn blog while looking for something else, but once I found it, and then found it was a real place and tracked down a phone number..."

Jessica couldn't believe it. "You did this on purpose? Are you crazy? Aside from not knowing how things would turn out, you're looking at a life of lying to everybody you meet unless you choose to burden them with this at some moment that is life-changing for another reason. And, you left someone else with all your problems!"

She got defensive. "I was living a lie anyway! You have no idea--"

"Ladies!" The two lowered their voices and looked at me. "I think you'll find..." I stopped, and made a gesture to indicate I didn't know her real name.

"Dylan."

"Right. I think you'll find, Dylan, that Jessica and I have some idea of how it feels not to have the body you think you should."

She looked suitably chastised. "Yes, ma'am."

"I don't think you need to call me ma'am."

"Sorry, it's just that I was taught to respect my elders, and I know you..."

The look on Jessica's face became a different kind of horror. "Dylan... How old are you? Not your physical age, but how long have you lived?"

"Twenty-eight years next February."

"My God... Dylan, we have to make reservations for next spring. If I stay there, then you stay in the same room, and then I stay there again..."

"No."

Jessica couldn't believe it. "What do you mean, 'no'?"

"I've been reading the blog - I know it didn't work out for Arthur Milligan and Drew Dawson. Besides..."

"Besides what?"

"It's easy for me to be a mature widow. This life is straightforward. I'm not sure that becoming Marie, dealing with men... I'm not sure that's right for me. I didn't get the chance to grow up learning how like you did, Jessica. This... this is right for me."

Now it was my turn to act astonished. "But you doubled your age overnight. You've missed so much..."

"It's worth it."

Dinner was quiet after that. We gave her our phone numbers and email addresses in case she changed her mind, and then headed back to the hotel. While I drove (her car, but I know the streets of this city), she asked if I was okay.

"I don't know. Unless she comes to her senses, I'm going to live another whole lifetime. If I meet Frank again in Heaven, will it be as Louisa or Marie? Will I find another Frank? And how can I live with myself knowing that Dylan has done... this."

"You just start over, live the best life you can."

"But, just putting Frank in the past like that... I know you don't like to talk about your old life, Jess, but is there someone like Frank for Conrad Mancini?"

I was parking the car as I said it, and she just sat there for a moment after I killed the engine. "You're right," she said, "I don't like talking about my old life." Then she got out of the car.

I guess you really can't go home again. I think I'll be glad to leave this place behind for a while. The next stop is Dallas, to check on what Stephen Jeffries is making of Ashlyn's former life. And then, after that, we'll probably be heading straight across the country to get Jessica to school; it must be just about time for her to start classes.

-Louisa

Ashlyn--One year later

If you’ve been reading this blog since it was started, you might have realized that a year has passed since I’ve was first turned into Ashlyn. I think back on those first few days, and I remember being horrified and afraid. I also thought my life was over, I couldn’t imagine living my life as the attractive, busty redhead in the mirror.

God, what a difference a year makes. I been thinking about my life lately because I knew the anniversary of becoming a victim of the Inn had passed and I have come to a shocking conclusion: I more or less like who I am now. Oh sure, I’m not too proud that my work involves wearing a tight tank top and shorts—but for the most part I am happy. I have friends, family, and an ongoing relationship with Matt—all these things make me happy.

The one good thing about being changed into another person? It’s a fresh start. I might have picked up a few bills and my college degree is gone—but this experience has shown me that I had significant gaps in my old life as Jake: I worked all the damn time and my personal life suffered. As Ashlyn I have the opposite problem, but I think with time I can find a better balance.

So a week ago I decided to give Art a call and make note of our one year anniversary. I was a little hesitant because he had recently confronted Jeremy about stealing his life, and I thought a call about the anniversary might prove to be a painful reminder of what he had lost. I finally decided to make the call—if I hadn’t called the anniversary was still going to happen; at least by reaching out I was reminding him that he was not alone.

“Lynn?” Art must have seen my number on the caller ID.

“Hi Art. Did I call at a bad time?” I ask.

“No, this is great. I just finished my workout.”

“Ugh. I haven’t worked out in a couple of days. I need a little gym time myself.”

“So what’s up?” Art asked.

“Well… we haven’t talked in a while. I thought we should catch up.” I didn’t want to jump right into the fact that our anniversary had come up—but Art is too smart.

“Oh? And the fact that we lost our old lives a year ago has nothing to do with it?”

“Well, maybe.” I admitted.

“Yeah, I’ve been meaning to call you too.” He admitted as well.

“How are you doing?” I didn’t actually say the words ‘how are you doing now that you know you are not getting your old life back’—but Art understood the question.

I could hear Art sighing over the phone. “I’m okay. It was a little rough after I confronted Jeremy.”

“I remember when I talked to Stephen (the guy who is now Jake). It was hard.” I tell him.

“No offense Lynn, but it didn’t seem that difficult for you. You really took to playing the role of Ashlyn.” There was a little bitterness in the way he said it.

I decided to not to let it bother me. “So have you thought about what you are going to do?”
“What do you mean?”

“Do you plan to stay Penny or are you going to take another trip to the Inn?” I persisted.
“I’m staying as Penny—for now. I don’t know if I have a choice; going back to the Inn and getting some random life seems like a really bad idea.”

I could tell he—she?—was upset, so I was careful asking my next question. “So, would you prefer I call you Penny or Art?”

“Let’s stick to Art when it’s just us, okay? It would be nice to hear my real name from time to time. Tell me about you and Matt. How is that going?” He was taking the focus of the conversation off of himself.

“I have big news.” I say—and I tell him a little story:

I don’t take as many gigs from the radio station these days, my work as a Headlight’s girl keeps me busy enough—but ever so often a job sounds like fun. The ‘End of Summer Bash’ was one of those gigs that sounded like it would be more fun than work. The job was pretty much like all the jobs I’ve done for the radio station—be eye candy and talk to people. Only that night, because it was a ‘summer’ theme, I had to do it in a tiny green bikini. Wearing next to nothing in public really isn’t a problem for me—I still suffer from a need to be the center of attention.

I was also able to score some free tickets for Matt and few of his friends. I was a little hesitant about having Matt there—after all, what I was really doing is being paid to flirt—but Matt has been to Headlight’s a few times now, and gets the fact that I have to pretend to flirt.
The bash was a blast. Like every other gig I worked for the radio station, about halfway through the party the guy in charge of the promotion girls told us to ‘go and have fun, enjoy the party’. So I found Matt in the crowd and dragged him to the dance floor.

“You haven’t been bored?” I asked him.

“I’m having a great time.” He grins. He points to a group of guys wearing Red Sox jerseys, which were standing off to one side of the room. “I bet some of those guys I would get lucky with the red head in the green bikini.”

I closed the distance between us, pressing my body into his. I liked being close to him—and he smelled nice. “Oh, you think you are getting lucky, huh?”

“I’m hoping.” He leans down and kisses me.

I wrap my arms around his neck and return the kiss. I put a little something extra into it in case Matt’s new friends were watching.

We dance, we drink, and we hang out with Matt’s friends—by midnight I was slightly drunk and Matt had me laughing so hard I nearly peed myself. He does this thing where he tells dirty jokes in a ‘Donald Duck’ voice and it really gets me giggling—of course being drunk helps.

Eventually, it was time to go. I slipped a t-shirt and shorts over the bikini and Matt and I took a cab home—or at least most of the way home. When we got to the Charles River near MIT, Matt asked the driver to pull over. “It’s a beautiful night. Let’s walk the rest of the way home.”

So we walked along the river.

I wasn’t born a girl; or even like Jessica, I wasn’t raised as a girl—so I don’t think I necessarily react like a real woman would in every situation. For example, I don’t get mushy over flowers. Every so often Matt brings me flowers—I appreciate his thoughtfulness, but that is about it. So I found myself surprised that I was being affected by the romantic setting of walking home by the river. It was a full moon, and there were still boats on the river—it was a beautiful scene. We stopped and watched the river for a while. Matt stood behind me, close, with his arms wrapped around me. He starts kissing me on the neck and then gently spins me around—finding my lips. We stay like that for a while.

He breaks off the kiss but he keeps his face close to mine; his eyes were locked in on my eyes.
“I love you Ash.”

We had been dating for about half a year now. The ‘relationship’ has been fun and lighthearted, and there has been lots of sex—but neither of us had used the L word yet. I was stunned. It was like his words were a physical thing and they hit me with enough force to take my breath away. I felt light headed and dizzy. I just stared at him for a moment. He smiled back.
To be honest, when I said the words I didn’t know how I felt. I was overwhelmed and a little drunk; but when I said “I love you too.” It felt so right. I couldn’t remember the last time I was so happy.

We kiss again, and this time I broke off the kiss. “Take me home. Make love to me.”

We didn’t waste any time getting home. As soon as we stepped in the door Matt pulls the t-shirt off me and hungrily kissed me. I ended up being pressed against the wall, my bikini top finding its way to the floor. He was flicking one of my nipples with his tongue when I decided I wanted to do something special for him.

“Whoa. Slow down.” I say to him. “I want you to take a shower.” I touch his crotch through his pants. “I want you to take special care and wash this thing well.” I give him a look—I hope it looked seductive. “I have something special in mind. Something you’ve been wanting for a while.”

He practically ran to the bathroom.

I took the opportunity to slip off the bikini bottoms. I stay over at Matt’s place fairly often, so I had some clothes there—including some lingerie. I put slipped on a black baby doll top and no panties. I touched up my makeup and redid my hair then climbed on top of the bed a waited—I’m glad I didn’t have to wait long, I might have lost my nerve. Matt appeared in the doorway, still slightly wet from his shower, a towel wrapped around him.

“You look beautiful.” He says to me.

“You look beautiful too.” I still catch myself checking out other women, but in the last year I’ve grown to appreciate the male form—and Matt had a great form. He’s all washboard abs, broad chest and shoulders. I give him a smile. “Lose the towel and come to bed.”

To me, sex is a lot like a couple dancing. It can be passionate and physical like dancing. You are holding someone close, and you are trying to communicate things to your partner with your body. Also like couple dancing, someone leads and someone follows. Generally the woman follows the man’s lead—and I’ve grown to accept that—more than accept—sometimes I like being the submissive one in bed. I don’t think that makes me a weak person. I think it makes me brave that I can trust my lover.

But other times I still like to lead. This was one of those times.

“Lie back on the bed.” I tell him.

I was sitting next to him on the bed, and I leaned over and started kissing his chest.
Slowly, I started moving down.

Matt has been trying to convince me to give him a blowjob for a couple of months now. I hadn’t intended to give into him any time soon—but when he told me he loved me, he made me so incredibly happy—so happy I wanted to do something special for him. I decided if he was freshly showered, maybe—maybe—I could give my lover oral sex.

I ran my tongue down his shaft and he groaned in pleasure.

“Tell me when you are close.” I say to him.

I lean forward, sliding his dick between my lips. I do my best—it was my first blowjob on the giving end. Matt didn’t seem to notice that I was a novice. He was making all sorts of happy sounds. Soon he announced “Oh baby, I’m close.”

I quickly spat him out and physically climbed on top of him—lowering myself on his member. We both gasped as he entered me. I raise and lower myself once or twice—and that’s all it took. He groans in pleasure.

“That was incredible.” He tells me.

I lean down a kiss him. “As soon as you are ready—your girl has needs.”

“I see what I can do.” He says.

We make love again a little later. This time it was me crying out in pleasure.




“The next morning he suggested we move in together.” I tell Art. “I told him I would think about it.”

“Wow.” Art sounded a little stunned by my story.

“Yeah. Moving in together is the first step to a whole sequence of events and decisions. The next logical step is getting engaged. Then there is marriage…and then kids. I have a hard time seeing myself as someone’s wife—or mother. Oh my god! I can’t possibly give birth.”

I think Art sensed I was going off the deep end. “Hey, I think it is great that you and Matt are doing so well; but I think you are jumping the gun on worry about everything else. Take it slow—things will work themselves out.”

“I know—it just this is all new to me.” I say.

There is a moment of awkward silence and I could sense Art was a little uncomfortable with the direction the conversation had taken. I decided to change the subject again.

“So, tell me about this Maxim photo shoot.”

Art groaned, but we talked about it anyway. We talked for the next hour, catching up on everything. It was good to talk.
--Ashlyn

Trip / Kat - Far Away

A few weeks ago, Nicole, one of Kat's classmates, stopped by to chat after hearing about my recent trip to the hospital. While we were chatting about that and other recent goings-on, she picked-up on my being a bit disinterested from the local news/gossip. She mentioned how it seemed that since Jaci & I... Jaci & Kat returned from our adventure "out East", that we've both changed... that it's almost as if we're new people. Her observation shook me a bit - I mean, that's not supposed to happen... people aren't supposed to be able to tell that there was a change, right?

I just shrugged my shoulders and told her that I was thinking the same thing... that I felt different and that I was having a bit of a tough time trying to decide who I was, who I wanted to be, and what it was that I wanted to do with my life. I conveniently left out all the weird stuff and just how much of a change I've been... and still am going through. She nodded her head and a moment of silence passed as she seemed to ponder on something.

I wasn't quite sure if I'd passed or failed some test of hers, or what thoughts her mind was processing - but I didn't have long to wait. Seconds later, she came out with what was likely the reason she stopped by in the first place - to invite me along as a replacement fourth person on an Canada/Alaska adventure with her, her brother Bill and her boyfriend Greg. As I understood it, Bill and his girlfriend were having some "issues". The idea of joining them was something that felt very much outside of my comfort level. If I was myself, I'd have jumped at the chance to go - but being in this non-outdoorsy body, on what should be a double-date type of adventure, with a guy that "I" have a history with (Kat and Bill dated a few years back)... I didn't have a good feeling about it. I'm still getting used to this new reality, and this body...

I told Nicole that I would have to see if dad could spare being without me for a month - knowing full-well that he'd veto the idea. Harvest time is fast approaching, we have to ready the equipment and bins... that and the idea of Kat being so far away and in the company of boys... there's no way he's going to go for it.

I was wrong.

I got back last night. I'm not sure if I found any answers to who I am, or what my future holds... save one thing. I'm pretty sure that my partner-preference is still hetero... just that I'm on the other side of the fence in this body.

Arthur/Penny: Parental (and other) Guidance

I've kind of been waffling about the Maxim pictorial thing, which is annoying Drew a bit. I don't really blame him; I'm not totally in a position to be picky about what I take and don't take, and this would set me up for bigger and better things.

Part of the problem, of course, is that I'm not sure I should be going on to bigger, better, newer things. I've been Penny for three and a half months now, but a part of my brain is still in Liz mode, trying to keep things as steady as possible even though I know that the proper owner of the life I'm living isn't going to take it back.

I am grateful that Louisa and Jessica checked up on Nell. If they really think she's happy with her new life, or at least committed to it, it does let me act with less worry over whether or not I'm letting someone down. Which, of course, is a big-time double-edged sword.

I've talked to a few people about the potential photo shoot. Perhaps the oddest was Nell's father. He was in town for a few days about a week and a half ago, and gave his little girl a call. I got my first hint that Nell and her father had what looks like a good relationship when her - my - cell phone displayed "Daddy" and played a cheery custom ringtone for his call.

I didn't quite know how to respond to that. In my old life, I was estranged from my father, to the point where I honestly figured my next encounter with him would be his funeral. It turns out that things worked out pretty close to the opposite way with Nell - she and her father are fairly close, but she doesn't have much to do with her mother. Weird.

Anyway, we arranged to meet up while he was in town for a convention. Nice enough guy, although I wouldn't be surprised to find that the birthday of his second wife is something like one day earlier than the midway point between his birthday and Nell's, so that no-one can say that she's closer to his daughter's age than his (although, to be fair, many men wouldn't care about that distinction). He seems very proud of what his daughter has been doing.

I mentioned the potential photo shoot to him, and his first response was a joking "well, I guess you've ruined those magazines for me forever", to which Sandy responded by giving me a high-five. After that, though, he said that I shouldn't worry about embarrassing him; he's already made his peace with the idea that total strangers will be looking at his Nelly like that from the volleyball and the TV work.

It was Sandy who said it sounded like I was trying to find a reason not to do it, which I suppose is something close to true, although not for the reason she suspects. So when Lyn called me to celebrate - or, at least, mark - our having spent one year as women, I figured I'd let her try to talk me into it.

She didn't give me the hard sell, but she did ask me if I'd fret so much about playing pro basketball if I'd wound up swapped into someone tall and athletic (that is to say, a tall and athletic man). I mentioned that I suck at the sport, and she said I was missing the point - that are physical forms are a resource, and that we shouldn't be afraid of using them as such just because of the weird way we came by them.

I've also tried calling Cassie in L.A.; I figured that maybe she'll let something slip ("Really? You always hated girls who did that!"). Nothing quite so direct, though. She said she didn't think she would, but that then again, she hadn't turned pro or gone into broadcasting; she liked her anonymity. - or at least, liked having more anonymity than having pictures of her in her underwear printed, downloaded, used as a screensaver or taped to the inside of someone's locker door would provide.

That's a pretty compelling argument, I think. If this is going to be my life, then I think I can live it without that. Drew should just be getting into R.J.'s office right now, so I think it's time to call him with the decision.

-Art (aka Penny)

Louisa/"Marie": Nashville

I was glad to stay in Nashville for the holiday weekend; the next logical destination for us is my home state of Louisiana, and I found that I was not anxious to be there during the ceremonies marking the second anniversary of Hurricane Katrina. I had family in New Orleans - a few cousins - but I can't visit them as I am. Arthur had sent us a request to check in on the former occupant of his/her body, and it seemed like as good an idea as any for a diversion.

Finding "Jeremy Boyd" wasn't difficult - Arthur had sent us the address on the letter from a few weeks ago. Both Jessica and I felt a bit awkward about the approach, though. If you don't know anything about the Trading Post Inn's curse, but do know Jeremy Boyd's history, what would you think of two young women from out of town looking for him, especially considering he had disappeared for pretty much Daisy's entire pregnancy? It would, naturally, look suspicious.

We tried to think of a logical story all the way from Washington to Nashville, which wouldn't contradict anything Nell had said about the time Jeremy was "away", but to no avail. We wound up just knocking on the door and feeling the disapproving gaze of Jeremy's father when we asked about his son.

"He get one of you in trouble?"

"No!" we both shouted. "We just want to talk to Jeremy because..."

Jessica looked at me to finish the sentence, and for a split second I resolved to pay her back for that later. "Because, well, we're... reporters. We're working on a story about soldiers leaving the armed forces during these troubled times, and why. One of our other subjects said that Jeremy had an interesting story."

He looked at us - especially Jessica, whose shorts and t-shirt did not scream professionalism - skeptically. "You two are reporters?"

"Well, I am. Jessie here's an intern."

He grunted, and then waited for something. He was probably expecting a business card, but since I had none to offer, we just sweated it out a little. "Germy's moved in with his girl. I'll get you the address." He wrote it down, and chuckled. "If you find out what his story is, come back and share it with me."

Daisy's house wasn't far away from the Boyd residence, but the neighborhood did get a little rougher. I could see Jessica tense up behind the wheel of her car. "I don't know what's worse," she said, "driving through a bad neighborhood knowing that you're a target because you're a cop, or knowing you're a target because you're this."

I shrugged. "I've lived in worse."

"And I've patrolled worse, but that was a long time ago."

Finding Daisy's & "Jeremy's" address ended that conversation. We locked the car and knocked on the door. He must have been walking by at the time, because the door opened as far as the chain would allow on the first knock.

"Can I help you?"

"Maybe... Nell."

The man's eyes grew wide. "Who are you? Because if you're here to 'fix' it..."

"I wish I could," I said. "No, we're just other people who have stayed in the inn. In fact, I think you and I stayed in the same room, about a month apart. There was you, then Elizabeth Lee, who was really Arthur Milligan, then Marie Desjardins who was really Elizabeth Lee, then me."

"Who's stuck as Marie Desjardins?"

"You got it."

"And her?"

"Jessica Brooks. I was... well, I had another name, a long time ago."

"My god... You must have been..."

"It was weird. I'd rather not talk about it."

"Of course. I'm sorry, I'm being rude. Would you like to come in?"

"Are you sure Daisy won't mind?"

He looked a little embarrassed. "She's used to Jeremy having other female 'friends'."

So, we felt a little guilty as we entered the apartment. It was small, just a bedroom, bathroom, and living room with a kitchenette. Diasy walked out of the bedroom as we entered. Her bedroom; I noticed blankets neatly folded on the sofa. She looked a little frazzled, which just got worse when she saw us. "I don't believe we've met."

I gave her the story about us being reporters. She seemed to believe it, and Nell/Jeremy picked it up quick. "They want to ask me a few questions for this story they're doing on..."

"People leaving the service."

"Well, if he's not going to tell me, he sure ain't tellin' you."

"There's still interesting questions about how he's been treated and such."

Daisy warmed to that subject quickly enough, rattling off what she'd seen for five minutes before asking if I was going to write anything down. I froze for a moment, but Jessica pulled her notebook out of her purse and handed it to me. "Good thing they sent the intern with you, huh?"

I allowed that it was, and idly wrote down some of what Daisy was saying. After she exhausted the subject, I asked if we could steal Jeremy for a bit.

"Oh, shore - there's still a bunch he won't talk about with me, ah know."

We left and drove downtown for a bit; he took a pickup so that he could run some errands after. "So," he said when we got to the agreed-on coffee shop, "what can I tell you?"

"Well," Jessica started, "I thought there wasn't going to be much, because we've got most of your story from Arthur..."

He blushed girlishly, or maybe I'm just trying to see that. "An 'Arthur' in my body. Good lord."

"Well, technically, you're in your body. It just happens to look like Jeremy Boyd and Arthur's just happens to look like yours."

"I guess that's true."

"Anyway, we thought this was just a courtesy call, but... Have you been approached by anyone? Besides us?"

"What do you mean?"

"Near as we can tell, the inn has been swapping people for something like eighty years. There's got to be someone or something behind it, and even if it's just running on its own... Well, I think some people are using it. A friend of mine's got a stalker who knows her secret, a couple people in New York who were changed into foreign nationals are having trouble with immigration... It's been harder to find the original Jessica than it really should be, even considering I started at the apparent age of ten."

He looked at me, and I shrugged. "She's the detective; I'm hoping she can help me find some people."

"Oh. Right. I forget, just because I stayed about the same age... Anyway, nothing out of the ordinary here... Except for me, I guess."

"Okay. Well, I guess we'll let you go. Although--"

"Although what?"

"Well," I said, "we're just supposed to tell you that if you want your real life back, Arthur's willing."

"Oh." He sat back down. "Look, I can't say I'm not tempted, but I don't think it would be right. I mean, nobody asks to get in this situation, but there's only one right way to handle it. Just because I got into it in an unconventional way doesn't mean I should duck it."

Jessica nodded. "You're making a good man, Nell."

"Thanks. Look... I don't know if you two have any plans for Labor Day, but Daisy's family is having a barbecue, and if you guys want to come..."

"Talk you up a bit?"

He laughed. "Sure, that'd be great. Also, it's the first big family thing I'll have to deal with, and if I could avoid being totally alone..."

"Well..."

"We'd be glad to." I was kind of surprised Jessica was so eager, but didn't question it at the time. Later, she'd mention that she'd gotten a call from her mother while I was in the shower that morning, and so was feeling kind of homesick.

The barbecue wasn't bad; I actually had a pretty good time. Jessica grew up in the nice part of the city the first time and then in a New England suburb the second, but I kind of felt at home, even if everybody was white. (I know, I am too, but it still takes me a bit by surprise.)

"Jeremy" was glad to have us there, and we did say nice things about him when we could. I think things will get a little easier for him.

We left at around five, saying we wanted to get a good night's sleep before heading south tomorrow. He shook our hands and said to tell Art to try and make the most of his old life. We thanked him, and said it would probably be all right; from reading his entries, he seems to enjoy being Penny more than being Liz.

"Penny? He's going by Penny? I spend my entire life trying to avoid 'Penny Lincoln' - it's practically a porn-star name - and he..." He looks skyward and shakes his head. "Well, I guess it's his life now. Still, Penny..."

We leave him ranting and head back to our hotel, but I can't get settled. Tennessee was nice, but Louisiana is home, and I don't know what we'll find there.

-Louisa