Yesterday was a gorgeous day. It was also my birthday - my 24th birthday, as Todd. I felt a little weird about it, like, I wanted people to acknowledge me in some way, and of course they weren't going to, except for a cursory note from Bry. The good thing is, Anne-Marie's birthday is early next month, (June 10? I should double-check that) so I can just pretend. I find it interesting that we're both Geminis. Double-natured. How apropos.
In case you were curious, I've covered Hayley's, Conner's and now my birthday on here... Hal's is in September, and last year it was extremely awkward, because I had still not yet come to terms with what it means to be Anne-Marie. Hard to believe how far I've come in just a year. Last year, I celebrated my own birthday by doing acid at an all-night party in Virginia Beach, after which Bryan and I woke up with a pair of Norwegian sisters. How things change.
That said, I mentioned my and Anne-Marie's star sign. I don't know if I'm still supposed to follow my own horoscope in this body, or what... I mean, assuming it isn't all mumbo-jumbo. For pretty obvious reasons I'm a little more open to the idea that there's something big out there ever since I woke up in this woman's body. So it was a little... weird... when I went online yesterday and read this:
For those of us born on: May 21
Happy birthday! In the months ahead you are going to need all your reserves of energy, at least certainly in the first few months of the coming year. There are strong possibilities of a move of some kind: changing school, career or maybe even a complete relocation. Thanks to the pesky influence of Mercury a number of things will prove to be much more complicated than initially thought. Romantic relationships may need careful handling. However, once everything settles down the rest of year looks like a process of collecting the rewards for so much hard work earlier. Especially well aspected are relationships with your immediate family and it may well be that you are the centre of a major family celebration towards the end of the year!
Is it just me, or is that kind of a bad sign? "Strong possibilities for a move of some kind" seems to refer to the Inn, but what could be "More complicated than initially thought"?? I already think it's pretty damn complicated! And that business about romantic relationships. Christ. Then again, I am looking forward to "collecting the rewards" of my hard work.
Freaky stuff.
Anyway, I really just wanted to relax all day, especially after getting spooked like that. Like I said, it was a gorgeous day, and we've opened the pool up, so I put on a two-piece bathing suit and did some dives, then just lay out by it in the sun.
Then I heard a knock on the fence. "Hello?" I groaned. Donna.
"I hope you don't mind," she said, "I heard the splashing and I was wondering if you might want some company."
I say up and peered at her over the frames of my sunglasses. "I don't think that's such a good idea, Donna." Mentally, I added, Because I hate you.
"Oh come on now, Anne-Marie. Sorry - Todd. We don't even have to talk. I just want someone to lie out in the sun with."
I sighed. "Fine. But no Inn-talk."
"I went twenty years without saying a word about that Inn to anyone. I can manage." She took a seat on the cabana chair next to mine, and removed her skirt and top to reveal a bikini probably not meant for a woman her age (but I gritted my teeth to see how well she filled it out.)
The problem as I see it, is that any conversation we could have would be framed by the knowledge we have about each other - or in my case, the lack of knowledge, and the suspicion there's more to her than meets the eye. But she was good to her word and lay there quietly as I dozed off.
I was awakened a moment later to hear her adjusting the cabana chair to its horizontal position. But what I really noticed was that she had decided to go topless.
"Donna!" I cried out. "God, your boobs!"
She just looked at me nonchalantly. "What, is there a problem? You don't have to look. I mean, you can if you want, I don't mind."
I didn't know how to react. "Aren't you worried about someone seeing you?"
She looked around. The yard was pretty well-enclosed, nobody from the surrounding houses could see, and the backyard backs onto a ravine anyhow. "It's just you, and you seemed to be asleep. I suppose you're just going to live with tanlines?"
I adjusted the strap of my bikini top and found that the tanline had already started to set in. She turned her back to me. "Listen, I'm gonna lie on my stomach here. Would you get the sunscreen?" I reluctantly agreed. It was like a scene from a really cheap porno, and if I hadn't felt so emasculated I might've been turned on.
She lay on her front and closed her eyes. Satisfied, and kinda emboldened by her words, I removed my top, making sure covering was within reach in case someone came by.
Sleepily, she broke her promise. "So tell me... when you first found out you were a woman... did you spend a lot of time looking at yourself?"
It was an innocent enough question so I answered, "Not really. I mean, not at first. I didn't really want to see. Then as time went by I got used to it, and I got comfortable just being naked, or half-dressed, if I was alone. Then the thrill started to fade a little bit."
"Are you worried you won't like women anymore once you're a guy again?"
If my eyes hadn't been closed, I would've rolled them. "I still like women."
"Well a little birdie told me you'd been with Hal."
I tried to keep my cool and answered truthfully. "Hal has the right equipment to do the job, but I don't find myself getting really excited thinking about him all that much. It's just business."
She sat up. "What do you think of me?"
I opened my eyes and wrapped a towel around myself, feeling exposed. "I don't think you want me to answer that."
"Todd, I can take it."
I stared at her breasts. Then I glanced up at her face. I'd be lying if I didn't feel something. "You look really good... for your age."
She smiled and lay forward again. "Good genetics."
I uncovered myself and lay back again. "So what happened to the original Donna?"
She took a moment to respond and then said, "After we have sex, I'll tell you."
I didn't answer to that. She added, "Mind if I take a dip?"
Feeling somewhat amicable, I said okay, if she put her top on. She slipped it over her head and called me a prude.
I have a lot of mixed impressions of Donna. She's not such a bad person, I guess, just an irritating one. My judgment may be clouded by how good-looking she is, and up-front about her body. I'm still not in favour of her little scheme, but in a weird way, I identify with her.
I just don't want to end up like her.
-Todd/AM
Friday, May 22, 2009
Saturday, May 16, 2009
Todd/Anne-Marie: Get back to where you once belonged
So on the evening of Bry's last day of Grade 9, Friday June 19th, we are going back to the Inn. I've known this for months. I'm really excited about it. But every time I look over at that date on the calendar, I feel a twinge in the pit of my stomach. I get reminded it's still a month away, and as awesome as it's going to be to stand 6' tall and grow facial hair again, there are still things going on in Anne-Marie's life that require my attention.
Hayley's cold lasted longer than we thought. She seemed well enough to come along to the zoo last weekend but it flared up again afterward. Then I realized it wasn't a cold at all, but allergies. So I had to take her to be tested, and then convince her it wasn't so bad to get shots, which was a difficult conversation. Then on top of all that stress I had to swing by the drug store for some Midol, because, well, goddamn.
It was there, while Hayley was off browsing the magazine rack, that I ran into Donna. Every so often I remember the last major conversation I had with her and it gets me mad, so you can imagine how I was feeling on this occasion. She started browsing the menstrual aids as well. I was hoping to ignore her when she struck up a conversation.
"Menopause can't come soon enough," she says.
I glared at her. She looked over and smirked at me. I grumbled, "I won't be around for it, thankfully."
She snorts, "How could I forget? After the scene you made at my place. You've made it quite clear you mean to go back wherever you came from. Kansas?"
"Canada. Is there something you want from me?"
She reminds me about her offer. "I don't know why you hate me, Anne-Marie. I don't know why you avoid me and why I have to stalk you in the drug store just to have a chat. We have something in common, we just don't have the same opinion about it."
"Why don't you just tell me who you were?" I ask.
"Why do you care? Why does it matter?"
I didn't even have an answer for that. I just assumed it was quid pro quo when I told her my story.
She came in closer and gave me something of a death glare. "When you came back, and I realized what you were... it brought up so much emotion. So much guilt. You have no idea. For the first time in decades I feel like I'm lying about who I am. And I don't like that." Just like a woman, making me feel like the bad guy. "But what's done is done, and if you want to know, you know what to give me in return."
I told her I remembered. She wanted sex. I excused myself to the checkout and asked Hayley if she'd rather I buy her a Motorcycle Mag or Guns & Ammo. She laughed and handed me a copy of InTouch.
Every time I talk to Donna it really gets my nerves up. She has a real attitude about her past that is troubling for me and only makes me want to know more about her, which of course comes with a premium. I'm wondering whether I really have to do this, to wrap up the question of Donna's identity once and for all.
Of course, some mysteries are easier to solve...
Last Sunday, when I was at "Julia's" place, I was there to do more than deliver a simple Happy Mother's Day message. I had a hunch I wanted to follow up. I didn't want to talk about it until it was resolved, but I might as well bring it up to clear my mind.
Sometime ago Anne-Marie and Ellie admitted they really hadn't been in touch with the original Julia and Kalli. I found this troubling because in arranging all these return trips, I feel it would be awesome if everything could just be wrapped up nicely. Unfortunately, the only info they could provide was the last name "Johnson" and a mention of Washington State. Apparently they just didn't see fit to include all this info in their original letters. I figured it was one of two things. Either it didn't occur to them to provide this in the event a return was possible, or they didn't want a return at all. The paranoid dude in me was thinking the latter.
That said, my hunch was this: if Julia and Kalli wanted to come back, they probably would have e-mailed Anne and/or Ellie at some point. Maybe. It's been almost a year, though, and if nothing had turned up in the Inbox yet, chances are it wasn't going to.
So when I hopped on "Julia's" computer and checked her Spam folder, I damn near shouted out "Eureka!" Sitting right on the cusp of the 30-day deletion cycle was an early-April message from Ken Johnson.
The writer, the original Julia, basically went on a tirade about how mad she was none of the previous e-mails had been responded to, but that didn't mean she was going to give up. That even if there was no way back, she still felt she was owed some acknowledgment that her life was in good hands. (My summary, not her words exactly.)
I noted down her e-mail address and headed home, trying to mentally draft a response. After a couple days I had it all written out.
I explained who I was, and why none of "Ken's" letters had reached "Julia." I told her she didn't have to worry about her body's status, she was safe and gainfully employed in Connecticut. The good news, I said, is that changing back is possible, all you need to do is be in Maine at the right time in the right room. I said I hoped to hear back from her soon, and gave the address to the Blog.
I have yet to get a response, but I will let you know when I've got it, if I feel comfortable doing so. Hopefully, we can get these people into the proper room, but one step at a time...
That's all for tonight.
-Todd/Anne-Marie
Hayley's cold lasted longer than we thought. She seemed well enough to come along to the zoo last weekend but it flared up again afterward. Then I realized it wasn't a cold at all, but allergies. So I had to take her to be tested, and then convince her it wasn't so bad to get shots, which was a difficult conversation. Then on top of all that stress I had to swing by the drug store for some Midol, because, well, goddamn.
It was there, while Hayley was off browsing the magazine rack, that I ran into Donna. Every so often I remember the last major conversation I had with her and it gets me mad, so you can imagine how I was feeling on this occasion. She started browsing the menstrual aids as well. I was hoping to ignore her when she struck up a conversation.
"Menopause can't come soon enough," she says.
I glared at her. She looked over and smirked at me. I grumbled, "I won't be around for it, thankfully."
She snorts, "How could I forget? After the scene you made at my place. You've made it quite clear you mean to go back wherever you came from. Kansas?"
"Canada. Is there something you want from me?"
She reminds me about her offer. "I don't know why you hate me, Anne-Marie. I don't know why you avoid me and why I have to stalk you in the drug store just to have a chat. We have something in common, we just don't have the same opinion about it."
"Why don't you just tell me who you were?" I ask.
"Why do you care? Why does it matter?"
I didn't even have an answer for that. I just assumed it was quid pro quo when I told her my story.
She came in closer and gave me something of a death glare. "When you came back, and I realized what you were... it brought up so much emotion. So much guilt. You have no idea. For the first time in decades I feel like I'm lying about who I am. And I don't like that." Just like a woman, making me feel like the bad guy. "But what's done is done, and if you want to know, you know what to give me in return."
I told her I remembered. She wanted sex. I excused myself to the checkout and asked Hayley if she'd rather I buy her a Motorcycle Mag or Guns & Ammo. She laughed and handed me a copy of InTouch.
Every time I talk to Donna it really gets my nerves up. She has a real attitude about her past that is troubling for me and only makes me want to know more about her, which of course comes with a premium. I'm wondering whether I really have to do this, to wrap up the question of Donna's identity once and for all.
Of course, some mysteries are easier to solve...
Last Sunday, when I was at "Julia's" place, I was there to do more than deliver a simple Happy Mother's Day message. I had a hunch I wanted to follow up. I didn't want to talk about it until it was resolved, but I might as well bring it up to clear my mind.
Sometime ago Anne-Marie and Ellie admitted they really hadn't been in touch with the original Julia and Kalli. I found this troubling because in arranging all these return trips, I feel it would be awesome if everything could just be wrapped up nicely. Unfortunately, the only info they could provide was the last name "Johnson" and a mention of Washington State. Apparently they just didn't see fit to include all this info in their original letters. I figured it was one of two things. Either it didn't occur to them to provide this in the event a return was possible, or they didn't want a return at all. The paranoid dude in me was thinking the latter.
That said, my hunch was this: if Julia and Kalli wanted to come back, they probably would have e-mailed Anne and/or Ellie at some point. Maybe. It's been almost a year, though, and if nothing had turned up in the Inbox yet, chances are it wasn't going to.
So when I hopped on "Julia's" computer and checked her Spam folder, I damn near shouted out "Eureka!" Sitting right on the cusp of the 30-day deletion cycle was an early-April message from Ken Johnson.
The writer, the original Julia, basically went on a tirade about how mad she was none of the previous e-mails had been responded to, but that didn't mean she was going to give up. That even if there was no way back, she still felt she was owed some acknowledgment that her life was in good hands. (My summary, not her words exactly.)
I noted down her e-mail address and headed home, trying to mentally draft a response. After a couple days I had it all written out.
I explained who I was, and why none of "Ken's" letters had reached "Julia." I told her she didn't have to worry about her body's status, she was safe and gainfully employed in Connecticut. The good news, I said, is that changing back is possible, all you need to do is be in Maine at the right time in the right room. I said I hoped to hear back from her soon, and gave the address to the Blog.
I have yet to get a response, but I will let you know when I've got it, if I feel comfortable doing so. Hopefully, we can get these people into the proper room, but one step at a time...
That's all for tonight.
-Todd/Anne-Marie
Monday, May 11, 2009
Todd/Anne-Marie: Mother's Day
My first and hopefully last Mother's Day as a mom. It was a... surreal experience. The family really made an effort to keep the focus on me, which I'm not only not used to, but actively try to avoid. I was prepared to get some attention today but wasn't sure how it would manifest itself.
In the morning I was given a few cards by the kids and some flowers by Hal. I don't really know what to do with them, but they're in water for now until they die. It was a gorgeous day, and we went out, with Hal's mother Lucille, to the Beardsley Zoo. It was nice, and reminds me of some old times I used to have with Bryan. We were kicked out of the Metro Toronto Zoo because apparently they don't like people walking around high and taunting Macaws. Anyway, this was a fun day too... Connor really entertained me by doing funny impressions or making up facts about basically every animal we saw. He's a real crack-up.
Anyway, Lucille took some time to speak with me. I didn't want to mention, you know, how sad it must be to be without her husband, and she had another topic in mind. She said I had to find a way to end this rivalry with Trudy. She said she understood that her daughter could be difficult and that the situation was largely not my fault, but it hurt her to see the two of us sniping so much. I told her I'd do what I could and asked if she would have the same talk with Trudy. Lucille sighed and said she loved her daughter and was proud of all she accomplished, but that she was not a people person, and not much of a "forgive and forgetter." Well it's nice to know Lucille's sympathies lie with me.
After dinner - a somewhat embarrassing display by Hal that made me a little more proud of what I've learned to do in the past nine months - I excused myself to run some errands. Hal insisted, "No sweetie, you're not running any errands today, let me do it." Using a bit of quick wit, I simply leaned in close and told him I needed to by more feminine hygiene products. He backed off. I get a kick out of how squeamish men are about this kind of stuff, because that totally used to be me. Most of us simply do not have the time or inclination to learn the facts about a woman's body, because it might ruin the mystique. In a way, I'm worried it has for me, but knowing a bit more about how to use the equipment will probably up my skill level once I get back to the home team.
The errand of course had nothing to do with Tampax, but was a visit out to "Julia and Kalli's" place. I had gotten a little card for Anne-Marie, because I feel guilty she doesn't get to spend this time with her family. She claimed not to have much time to talk, and when I asked why, I heard the toilet flush. She jumped, more than she would have if it were just "Kalli." Waiting to see who was about to emerge from that washroom put me on edge.
It was Jack, the guy I'd met at the supermarket and passed along to Julia. Julia asked to meet him down by the car, we'd only be a little while longer.
I don't know why I was so shocked. Like I said, I introduced them (more or less) but I guess I was just expecting "Julia" to say "Thanks but not thanks." She had a distinct look of guilt on her face. I didn't know what to think. So I just asked for an explanation. She was reluctant, but I assured her I wouldn't judge.
She said, "When I found out Ellie was getting serious with that Todd Jones boy, I got really nervous about what might happen. So it started as a reason for me to... tag along. To double date. I haven't been single in so long, I just thought it was so thrilling to have a boy looking at me like that."
With some reluctance I asked, "Have you two... hooked up?"
"Todd I don't know if that's really your business."
I twisted my lips uncomfortably. "Well maybe, but Anne... I've been having sex with your husband for three months now. Like I said I'm really not here to judge you, I just need to know where you stand."
She sighed. "We haven't yet. We've been taking it slow because he just got out of his relationship and I... I still love my husband, Todd, I want you to remember that."
"I know."
She continued, "But I've been thinking about it. I've been trying to convince myself that it'd be okay, if I want to... and part of me does, wants to be this woman. But every time we get close, I just... I haven't gone through with it yet. I don't know if I will."
I ran my fingers through my hair and adjusted my bra, a nervous habit. "Well I can't speak for Ellie, but I won't judge you if you take advantage of this situation. I'm doing what I'm doing... and I know what I would want Deb to be doing in my body if I could make her. So I couldn't blame you. But Anne-Marie... don't lead the guy on. This is like Bryan with his girlfriend, except right now we don't know who's going to be Julia in a few months. It could be a 40-year-old dude, or a kid. It's not fair to saddle someone with a relationship like this. If you can avoid it."
She looked down at the floor.
"But look. That's going to happen anyway, I figure. Just go easy on him, and please, please try to make sure this, these feelings, aren't something you bring back from Maine with you."
It was maybe not the best advice in the world. Again, even before all this I had a pretty messed up view of right and wrong in relationships, and this has just opened up all these scary new opportunities, but like I said, I can't personally judge Anne-Marie one way or the other.
Anyway, then I went home, and had pleasant but routine Mother's Day sex with Hal. I tried to enjoy it, but I think after the talk with Anne-Marie, my heart really wasn't in it. I went to bed feeling guilty... even though all this time, I haven't even really been in charge of the decisions I've been making, for good or bad.
I'm starting to think the worst part of this, for me, has been the feeling of not being in control of my own life. Some days I just wanna do something public and drastic and out of character for Anne-Marie just to see if anyone would notice. But no, it's only a month and a half until Bry and I go back. I've been nothing but a placeholder, a substitute, a bookmark for Anne-Marie this entire time. Why would I end that now?
-Todd/Anne-Marie
Oh yeah, and Bry sent me this.
In the morning I was given a few cards by the kids and some flowers by Hal. I don't really know what to do with them, but they're in water for now until they die. It was a gorgeous day, and we went out, with Hal's mother Lucille, to the Beardsley Zoo. It was nice, and reminds me of some old times I used to have with Bryan. We were kicked out of the Metro Toronto Zoo because apparently they don't like people walking around high and taunting Macaws. Anyway, this was a fun day too... Connor really entertained me by doing funny impressions or making up facts about basically every animal we saw. He's a real crack-up.
Anyway, Lucille took some time to speak with me. I didn't want to mention, you know, how sad it must be to be without her husband, and she had another topic in mind. She said I had to find a way to end this rivalry with Trudy. She said she understood that her daughter could be difficult and that the situation was largely not my fault, but it hurt her to see the two of us sniping so much. I told her I'd do what I could and asked if she would have the same talk with Trudy. Lucille sighed and said she loved her daughter and was proud of all she accomplished, but that she was not a people person, and not much of a "forgive and forgetter." Well it's nice to know Lucille's sympathies lie with me.
After dinner - a somewhat embarrassing display by Hal that made me a little more proud of what I've learned to do in the past nine months - I excused myself to run some errands. Hal insisted, "No sweetie, you're not running any errands today, let me do it." Using a bit of quick wit, I simply leaned in close and told him I needed to by more feminine hygiene products. He backed off. I get a kick out of how squeamish men are about this kind of stuff, because that totally used to be me. Most of us simply do not have the time or inclination to learn the facts about a woman's body, because it might ruin the mystique. In a way, I'm worried it has for me, but knowing a bit more about how to use the equipment will probably up my skill level once I get back to the home team.
The errand of course had nothing to do with Tampax, but was a visit out to "Julia and Kalli's" place. I had gotten a little card for Anne-Marie, because I feel guilty she doesn't get to spend this time with her family. She claimed not to have much time to talk, and when I asked why, I heard the toilet flush. She jumped, more than she would have if it were just "Kalli." Waiting to see who was about to emerge from that washroom put me on edge.
It was Jack, the guy I'd met at the supermarket and passed along to Julia. Julia asked to meet him down by the car, we'd only be a little while longer.
I don't know why I was so shocked. Like I said, I introduced them (more or less) but I guess I was just expecting "Julia" to say "Thanks but not thanks." She had a distinct look of guilt on her face. I didn't know what to think. So I just asked for an explanation. She was reluctant, but I assured her I wouldn't judge.
She said, "When I found out Ellie was getting serious with that Todd Jones boy, I got really nervous about what might happen. So it started as a reason for me to... tag along. To double date. I haven't been single in so long, I just thought it was so thrilling to have a boy looking at me like that."
With some reluctance I asked, "Have you two... hooked up?"
"Todd I don't know if that's really your business."
I twisted my lips uncomfortably. "Well maybe, but Anne... I've been having sex with your husband for three months now. Like I said I'm really not here to judge you, I just need to know where you stand."
She sighed. "We haven't yet. We've been taking it slow because he just got out of his relationship and I... I still love my husband, Todd, I want you to remember that."
"I know."
She continued, "But I've been thinking about it. I've been trying to convince myself that it'd be okay, if I want to... and part of me does, wants to be this woman. But every time we get close, I just... I haven't gone through with it yet. I don't know if I will."
I ran my fingers through my hair and adjusted my bra, a nervous habit. "Well I can't speak for Ellie, but I won't judge you if you take advantage of this situation. I'm doing what I'm doing... and I know what I would want Deb to be doing in my body if I could make her. So I couldn't blame you. But Anne-Marie... don't lead the guy on. This is like Bryan with his girlfriend, except right now we don't know who's going to be Julia in a few months. It could be a 40-year-old dude, or a kid. It's not fair to saddle someone with a relationship like this. If you can avoid it."
She looked down at the floor.
"But look. That's going to happen anyway, I figure. Just go easy on him, and please, please try to make sure this, these feelings, aren't something you bring back from Maine with you."
It was maybe not the best advice in the world. Again, even before all this I had a pretty messed up view of right and wrong in relationships, and this has just opened up all these scary new opportunities, but like I said, I can't personally judge Anne-Marie one way or the other.
Anyway, then I went home, and had pleasant but routine Mother's Day sex with Hal. I tried to enjoy it, but I think after the talk with Anne-Marie, my heart really wasn't in it. I went to bed feeling guilty... even though all this time, I haven't even really been in charge of the decisions I've been making, for good or bad.
I'm starting to think the worst part of this, for me, has been the feeling of not being in control of my own life. Some days I just wanna do something public and drastic and out of character for Anne-Marie just to see if anyone would notice. But no, it's only a month and a half until Bry and I go back. I've been nothing but a placeholder, a substitute, a bookmark for Anne-Marie this entire time. Why would I end that now?
-Todd/Anne-Marie
Oh yeah, and Bry sent me this.
Friday, May 08, 2009
Bryan/Ellie: Whatever happens happens
1 AM and blogging. Seems like I only have time to think about my life when I should be sleeping. I guess that says something, but I'm not sure what.
I met "Kalli" - the real Ellie - for the first time at the funeral. She approached me, wiping tears from her eyes, and asked if she could speak to me in private, because she felt really vulnerable being there, being so upset, but not being free to say who she was. We went for a little walk. I got the sense that she wanted to take her mind off the sadness of the moment by having a sort-of normal conversation.
She asked me if she was missing anything interesting. I told her there probably wasn't anything she couldn't do without. I mean, it's only grade 9 (or "ninth grade.") I didn't really know what to say. I kinda wanted to apologize for the way I've been running her life, but the truth is, I'm doing my best and haven't got much to apologize for. But I didn't say anything, and she went on.
"So... what do you like better? Boy or girl?"
Something about the question struck me awkward so I didn't answer right away. I thought it should be obvious.
"I kinda wish the inn turned me into a boy," she said. "I mean everything's been so crazy, right, but since I know we're... going back... I feel like I'm missing out. That would've been so cool. Me with a penis." She snorted some laughter. "Guess I'll never know."
I look down, embarrassed, "I don't think you'd like it. I mean, I can't wait to get back, 'cause that's what I am. I think when your mind and you r body don't match up, something goes... freaky."
"Did you ever read the old posts on the blog? Like that chick Ashlyn. She was a guy, and she seemed to like the change."
"I don't think you're lookin' at it properly," I said, "She made an adjustment, which is really cool, because eventually she learned there was like no chance of going back how things were before. But ever since we figured out how to go back, I've been freaking out basically all the time, because I know I don't belong and I won't be here much longer. If I had to be you forever..." I sighed. "It would be different." I realized I never answered her question. "I like being me, because that's who I am."
"Don't you like anything about being me?"
By this point we were sitting on a bench by the parking lot. I slouched down and looked down at my breasts, at my hands, at my thin little legs. "I like being you sometimes... because Leanne likes you."
She stared off into space for a while and then said "No she doesn't. She doesn't know me."
"Well she likes someone. If I was me when I met her, she probably just would'a wanted to be my friend, call me a breeder and help me pick up other chicks. And that was if she wasn't a teenager. But because I look like you, she... she sees me in a way I wanna see myself." I can feel myself starting to cry a little bit, but I try to sniffle it back. Damnit, don't let this girl think you've gone girly.
"Well I'm really sorry about that," she grumbled, "I mean, you're gonna have to do something about it before we go, because I'm really not interested in that."
"How do you know for sure, though?"
She told me some things that I probably shouldn't put here. I don't think Anne-Marie reads the blog, but I wouldn't wanna betray Ellie's trust be talking about it here where it might get back to her. Suffice it to say it has to do with this Todd Jones guy and what Ellie may or may not be willing to do/already done with him. I told her it still wasn't concrete, and she just said that no matter what she wasn't interested in girls, and was upset at what I was doing with her body.
"Like two minutes ago," I snapped, "You were saying you wanted to try being a boy."
"Yeah, just for like, shits and giggles! That's different! If I was a boy and I liked girls that would be okay. And if you're a girl liking boys is okay."
"So it's not okay to like girls if you're a girl?" I'm pretty fucking outraged here.
"No I mean, it's not okay if you're me!"
I just stopped and buried my head in my hands, because there was no goddamn way we were gonna resolve this argument.
So I said "I guess it won't matter in a few months because you can go back to being you and blow whatever guys you want." (Oops, secrets out. Sorry I was just so pissed thinking back on the memory that I just... had to.)
"God Bryan, you're being a bitch here. You got me into this mess and if you don't do something to get out of it, that girl might really get hurt. You know what I'm saying?"
I got her drift -- if I leave it to her to end things with Leanne, she might be a little less nice about it. I didn't like hearing it, but I took it since there's nothing I can do. I wiped more tears away.
"Of all the bodies I could'a woken up in, why yours, goddamnit?"
She stood up to walk away. "I don't want to hurt you guys, Bryan. You seem like a nice guy and I'm sorry about whatever happened that you got so caught up with a teenage relationship. I wish we could've talked sooner, but I got a job in a supermarket a while ago, and that keeps me kinda busy."
My tears turned to laughter. She asked me what was so funny.
I told her, "I worked in a supermarket too. I think I still do, unless Amanda found me a better job."
Then she started laughing, and we laughed together a while, and she left. I went back in, and that's when I started thinking about my great uncle, and Todd told you the rest.
I haven't decided yet what I'm going to do. I've ended a lot of relationships - and had just as many ended for me - but never while it was going so well. Why does my best relationship in years have to be so....... fucked up?
I'm just saying if somewhere down the road, Ellie finds she really likes the feeling she gets from seeing other girls' breasts, I'll laugh my goddamn face off.
I guess what ever happens happens.
-Bry/El
I met "Kalli" - the real Ellie - for the first time at the funeral. She approached me, wiping tears from her eyes, and asked if she could speak to me in private, because she felt really vulnerable being there, being so upset, but not being free to say who she was. We went for a little walk. I got the sense that she wanted to take her mind off the sadness of the moment by having a sort-of normal conversation.
She asked me if she was missing anything interesting. I told her there probably wasn't anything she couldn't do without. I mean, it's only grade 9 (or "ninth grade.") I didn't really know what to say. I kinda wanted to apologize for the way I've been running her life, but the truth is, I'm doing my best and haven't got much to apologize for. But I didn't say anything, and she went on.
"So... what do you like better? Boy or girl?"
Something about the question struck me awkward so I didn't answer right away. I thought it should be obvious.
"I kinda wish the inn turned me into a boy," she said. "I mean everything's been so crazy, right, but since I know we're... going back... I feel like I'm missing out. That would've been so cool. Me with a penis." She snorted some laughter. "Guess I'll never know."
I look down, embarrassed, "I don't think you'd like it. I mean, I can't wait to get back, 'cause that's what I am. I think when your mind and you r body don't match up, something goes... freaky."
"Did you ever read the old posts on the blog? Like that chick Ashlyn. She was a guy, and she seemed to like the change."
"I don't think you're lookin' at it properly," I said, "She made an adjustment, which is really cool, because eventually she learned there was like no chance of going back how things were before. But ever since we figured out how to go back, I've been freaking out basically all the time, because I know I don't belong and I won't be here much longer. If I had to be you forever..." I sighed. "It would be different." I realized I never answered her question. "I like being me, because that's who I am."
"Don't you like anything about being me?"
By this point we were sitting on a bench by the parking lot. I slouched down and looked down at my breasts, at my hands, at my thin little legs. "I like being you sometimes... because Leanne likes you."
She stared off into space for a while and then said "No she doesn't. She doesn't know me."
"Well she likes someone. If I was me when I met her, she probably just would'a wanted to be my friend, call me a breeder and help me pick up other chicks. And that was if she wasn't a teenager. But because I look like you, she... she sees me in a way I wanna see myself." I can feel myself starting to cry a little bit, but I try to sniffle it back. Damnit, don't let this girl think you've gone girly.
"Well I'm really sorry about that," she grumbled, "I mean, you're gonna have to do something about it before we go, because I'm really not interested in that."
"How do you know for sure, though?"
She told me some things that I probably shouldn't put here. I don't think Anne-Marie reads the blog, but I wouldn't wanna betray Ellie's trust be talking about it here where it might get back to her. Suffice it to say it has to do with this Todd Jones guy and what Ellie may or may not be willing to do/already done with him. I told her it still wasn't concrete, and she just said that no matter what she wasn't interested in girls, and was upset at what I was doing with her body.
"Like two minutes ago," I snapped, "You were saying you wanted to try being a boy."
"Yeah, just for like, shits and giggles! That's different! If I was a boy and I liked girls that would be okay. And if you're a girl liking boys is okay."
"So it's not okay to like girls if you're a girl?" I'm pretty fucking outraged here.
"No I mean, it's not okay if you're me!"
I just stopped and buried my head in my hands, because there was no goddamn way we were gonna resolve this argument.
So I said "I guess it won't matter in a few months because you can go back to being you and blow whatever guys you want." (Oops, secrets out. Sorry I was just so pissed thinking back on the memory that I just... had to.)
"God Bryan, you're being a bitch here. You got me into this mess and if you don't do something to get out of it, that girl might really get hurt. You know what I'm saying?"
I got her drift -- if I leave it to her to end things with Leanne, she might be a little less nice about it. I didn't like hearing it, but I took it since there's nothing I can do. I wiped more tears away.
"Of all the bodies I could'a woken up in, why yours, goddamnit?"
She stood up to walk away. "I don't want to hurt you guys, Bryan. You seem like a nice guy and I'm sorry about whatever happened that you got so caught up with a teenage relationship. I wish we could've talked sooner, but I got a job in a supermarket a while ago, and that keeps me kinda busy."
My tears turned to laughter. She asked me what was so funny.
I told her, "I worked in a supermarket too. I think I still do, unless Amanda found me a better job."
Then she started laughing, and we laughed together a while, and she left. I went back in, and that's when I started thinking about my great uncle, and Todd told you the rest.
I haven't decided yet what I'm going to do. I've ended a lot of relationships - and had just as many ended for me - but never while it was going so well. Why does my best relationship in years have to be so....... fucked up?
I'm just saying if somewhere down the road, Ellie finds she really likes the feeling she gets from seeing other girls' breasts, I'll laugh my goddamn face off.
I guess what ever happens happens.
-Bry/El
Wednesday, May 06, 2009
Todd/Anne-Marie: Smart girl
In case my last post was too long, let me summarize it: "Tl;dr - Hal cries after we do it and it bums me out."
I have a tendency to ramble here. I mean, I feel like I owe it to you guys to present as much of the story as I can manage, not to mention for my own benefit for when I walk away from this whole thing. So in that respect I feel like I've done a disservice to Connor and Hayley.
I'll be the first to admit that over the past nine months as Anne-Marie I've sort of... failed as a mother. I don't think you can really blame me, but I carry a lot of guilt because of it. As Todd, I really wasn't the kind of guy you would want to have around your 12-year-old daughter. I had my vice. Shit man, I was a vice, and between me and Bryan, we were about as bad an influence as you could hope for without getting arrested.
So for a long time I kept distant from the two of them, and then the birthday things started to happen and I had to revise my decision, because these are vulnerable young kids who need a strong sense of parental guidance, or something. And I realize this, because after looking at the way I was living Anne-Marie's life, and looking back at my life as Todd... it wasn't something I had growing up. And I didn't want Hayley and Connor having that, not when I was in a position to help it.
So that was the first step, realizing there was a problem. The next step was in deciding what to do about it. Kids are pretty sharp, and they realize something's off if you jsut start being all buddy-buddy with them. The New York trip was a part of that, although I had my ulterior motive wanting to meet other Inn people, as well as getting a chance to see a city for once. In the end, it was a short-term solution. I still don't have a long-term one - but I've at least broken the ice.
Tuesday night, around 1 AM I came downstairs after yet another bedroom session with Hal. I was still puzzling about what I could do for him other than sex, because I could tell he's hurting. So I go into the kitchen for a glass of milk, turn on the light, and who should I see but little miss Hayley.
"Isn't it a school night?" I ask.
"I couldn't sleep. I think I'm sick."
I felt an oddly motherly sense of dread, just for a moment. With all this pandemic talk I've suddenly gotten very paranoid, maybe because I'm supposed to be "guardian of the family" and I don't do a particularly good job. But then that panic subsides and realism sets in and I start to joke. I have her open her mouth so I can look at her swollen throat. "Hm," I says, "This doesn't look good at all. Have you been licking any strange pigs lately? Mexican pigs?"
"Mom," she giggles, then coughs, "Don't be so gross. Or racist."
I turn and look at her. A smirk crossed my face. What a clever remark from a little girl like her. "Here sweetie, I'll fix you some herbal tea." I make sure it's non-caffeinated before I set the kettle on.
"So sick you can't sleep, eh?" I ask, sitting across the table from her, "I know that feeling."
"It's not really 'cause I'm sick," she tells me. "It's 'cause you and dad were being so loud."
Oh. My.
I was caught somewhat off guard, so I tried to play it cool. "Oh, were we being loud? I'm sorry about that."
She asks, "Are you guys fighting? You can tell me."
Now I cough with laughter. "No, we're not fighting."
"Oh," she says, "That's too bad. I didn't think you were, but I thought it was either that or the other thing."
"The other thing?" She just glares at me. Awkward. I start to get hot with embarrassment. "Depends what you mean by that." I know exactly what she means, and she knows I know.
She doesn't even wait for confirmation when she asks, "Is it fun?" Pause. "Does it feel good?"
This, I had not been counting on. All I wanted was a glass of milk and suddenly I've been blindsided into a "talk." I never even had a "talk" with my own mother. All she ever did was tell me to be safe after she found out I was already doing it. Well mom, look at me now. On second thought, don't.
Back to Hayley. I start to stammer what I think a little girl should hear. Sex is bad, don't do it, boys only want one thing. I get halfway through my opening statement "No, it doesn't feel good--" when I stop myself. I lie about enough things every single day. This girl is sharp, she has an excellent bullshit detector. If anyone's ever going to be straight with her, it's going to be me, right now.
"I'm not gonna lie to you," I tell her, "People wouldn't think about it so much if it weren't fun. Boys like it because it's easy for them. Girls like it because it makes boys like them." I'm broaching some extremely dangerous territory. "But it's worth waiting for. And it's very important that you care about the person you're doing it with." I was trying my best not to sound like a hypocrite. So I did the soft sell for abstinence. Frankly, I think I did all right, and I could tell she appreciated me being forthright with her.
If there's one thing I know, it's that telling her sex is bad, or wrong, is only going to make her want to try it for herself, at her earliest opportunity (and if what those alarmist tabloid shows say is true, it could be soon.) I think she's a smart enough girl that she went into the discussion with certain ideas, and my words reassured her.
It was tough, but I think even actual parents have a hard time with this stuff, so I went back to bed proud of myself. I've also made a point to try to be more discrete. Hayley's room is a ways down the hall from the master. Yowza.
-Todd/AM
I have a tendency to ramble here. I mean, I feel like I owe it to you guys to present as much of the story as I can manage, not to mention for my own benefit for when I walk away from this whole thing. So in that respect I feel like I've done a disservice to Connor and Hayley.
I'll be the first to admit that over the past nine months as Anne-Marie I've sort of... failed as a mother. I don't think you can really blame me, but I carry a lot of guilt because of it. As Todd, I really wasn't the kind of guy you would want to have around your 12-year-old daughter. I had my vice. Shit man, I was a vice, and between me and Bryan, we were about as bad an influence as you could hope for without getting arrested.
So for a long time I kept distant from the two of them, and then the birthday things started to happen and I had to revise my decision, because these are vulnerable young kids who need a strong sense of parental guidance, or something. And I realize this, because after looking at the way I was living Anne-Marie's life, and looking back at my life as Todd... it wasn't something I had growing up. And I didn't want Hayley and Connor having that, not when I was in a position to help it.
So that was the first step, realizing there was a problem. The next step was in deciding what to do about it. Kids are pretty sharp, and they realize something's off if you jsut start being all buddy-buddy with them. The New York trip was a part of that, although I had my ulterior motive wanting to meet other Inn people, as well as getting a chance to see a city for once. In the end, it was a short-term solution. I still don't have a long-term one - but I've at least broken the ice.
Tuesday night, around 1 AM I came downstairs after yet another bedroom session with Hal. I was still puzzling about what I could do for him other than sex, because I could tell he's hurting. So I go into the kitchen for a glass of milk, turn on the light, and who should I see but little miss Hayley.
"Isn't it a school night?" I ask.
"I couldn't sleep. I think I'm sick."
I felt an oddly motherly sense of dread, just for a moment. With all this pandemic talk I've suddenly gotten very paranoid, maybe because I'm supposed to be "guardian of the family" and I don't do a particularly good job. But then that panic subsides and realism sets in and I start to joke. I have her open her mouth so I can look at her swollen throat. "Hm," I says, "This doesn't look good at all. Have you been licking any strange pigs lately? Mexican pigs?"
"Mom," she giggles, then coughs, "Don't be so gross. Or racist."
I turn and look at her. A smirk crossed my face. What a clever remark from a little girl like her. "Here sweetie, I'll fix you some herbal tea." I make sure it's non-caffeinated before I set the kettle on.
"So sick you can't sleep, eh?" I ask, sitting across the table from her, "I know that feeling."
"It's not really 'cause I'm sick," she tells me. "It's 'cause you and dad were being so loud."
Oh. My.
I was caught somewhat off guard, so I tried to play it cool. "Oh, were we being loud? I'm sorry about that."
She asks, "Are you guys fighting? You can tell me."
Now I cough with laughter. "No, we're not fighting."
"Oh," she says, "That's too bad. I didn't think you were, but I thought it was either that or the other thing."
"The other thing?" She just glares at me. Awkward. I start to get hot with embarrassment. "Depends what you mean by that." I know exactly what she means, and she knows I know.
She doesn't even wait for confirmation when she asks, "Is it fun?" Pause. "Does it feel good?"
This, I had not been counting on. All I wanted was a glass of milk and suddenly I've been blindsided into a "talk." I never even had a "talk" with my own mother. All she ever did was tell me to be safe after she found out I was already doing it. Well mom, look at me now. On second thought, don't.
Back to Hayley. I start to stammer what I think a little girl should hear. Sex is bad, don't do it, boys only want one thing. I get halfway through my opening statement "No, it doesn't feel good--" when I stop myself. I lie about enough things every single day. This girl is sharp, she has an excellent bullshit detector. If anyone's ever going to be straight with her, it's going to be me, right now.
"I'm not gonna lie to you," I tell her, "People wouldn't think about it so much if it weren't fun. Boys like it because it's easy for them. Girls like it because it makes boys like them." I'm broaching some extremely dangerous territory. "But it's worth waiting for. And it's very important that you care about the person you're doing it with." I was trying my best not to sound like a hypocrite. So I did the soft sell for abstinence. Frankly, I think I did all right, and I could tell she appreciated me being forthright with her.
If there's one thing I know, it's that telling her sex is bad, or wrong, is only going to make her want to try it for herself, at her earliest opportunity (and if what those alarmist tabloid shows say is true, it could be soon.) I think she's a smart enough girl that she went into the discussion with certain ideas, and my words reassured her.
It was tough, but I think even actual parents have a hard time with this stuff, so I went back to bed proud of myself. I've also made a point to try to be more discrete. Hayley's room is a ways down the hall from the master. Yowza.
-Todd/AM
Monday, May 04, 2009
Todd/Anne-Marie: Tired of Sex
I was a teenager - maybe in Grade 8 or 9 - when I first heard Weezer's second album Pinkerton. I'd already figured them for one hit wonder status, as good as Buddy Holly was, and their second album didn't seem to contain anything that would be that caliber of hit. Basically, a few years passed and I hadn't heard anything from them so I dismissed them offhand when Bry brought me his copy of this album. I was young, it was 1998 (a few years after the album's release) and I was way into Korn. Ugh.
So he played it for me and I thought it was just noise at first. I didn't want to sit through it, but he basically held me hostage. I think around the 5th track - "Across the Sea" - I started to get it. By the time I heard "El Scorcho" it was like a revelation, and it all came to a crescendo at the end with the dramatic "Falling For You" followed by the sweet, acoustic "Butterfly." It was really the album that made me - and a lot of people my age - want to make music.
I've listened to it maybe a thousand times since. It's an album about a lot of things - desire, yearning, frustration, - universal emotions that seem especially poignant to me now in my current situation. I mean, let's look at some lyrics here...
Tired of Sex
I'm tired / So tired / I'm tired of having sex (so tired) / I'm spread / So thin / I don't know who I am
Getchoo
You know this is breaking me up / You think that I'm some kind of freak, uh huh / But if you come back to me / Then you will surely see / That I'm just fooling around
No Other One
Nobody knows me like her / Nobody knows her like me / We're all we've got and we don't want to be alone
Across the Sea
Why are you so far away from me? / I need help and you're way across the sea / I could never touch you / I think it would be wrong / I've got your letter / You've got my song
The Good Life
When I look in the mirror / I can't believe what I see / Tell me who's that funky dude / Starin' back at me ... Excuse the bitchin / I shouldn't complain / I should have no feeling / 'cause feeling is pain / As everything I need / Is denied me / Everything I want / Is taken away from me / But who do I got to blame / Nobody but me / And I don't wanna be an old man anymore / It's been a year or two since / I was out on the floor / Shakin' booty making sweet love all the night / It's time I got back to the good life
Falling For You
I'd do about anything to get the hell out alive / Or maybe I would rather settle down with you / Holy moly baby wouldn't you know it / Just as I was bustin' loose / I gotta go turn in my rock star card / And get fat and old with you....
Butterfly
I'm sorry for what I did / I did what my body told me to / I didn't mean to do you harm / Everytime I pin down what I think I want it slips away / The ghost slips away...
The lyrics I've pointed out have to do with a lot of different things in my life... pretending as Anne-Marie while trying to get back to being Todd, relating to Bryan and "Julia," being with Hall ... pining for Alia... I've got a lot on my mind lately. This will probably be a long post and my lyrical analysis definitely increases that.
Maybe I'm seeing parallels where there are non,e or maybe it speaks to how universal these themes truly are. I just think they take on a weird new dimension when I consider my situation... doing things I never thought I would with a life I never asked to have... I mean, a year ago, I never really understood how anybody could get "Tired of Sex." Even when I understood the song as an indication of exhaustion from the rock and roll lifestyle, I still thought sex was an unassailable virtue, one thing that was truly good. Even as a woman, I began to take for granted that sex is enjoyable from either side, as much as I would like to get back on the other team.
But this entire family crisis situation - the funeral and everything - had a weird, unexpected side effect on Hal.
We first had sex in late January. In February and March we averaged, I would say, 6-8 sessions per month. We'd have maybe one go during the week, and then one or two on weekends, tops. I never felt like doing it when I was on my period, and he never asked to.
I became something I kinda looked forward to, the special perk of being Anne-Marie. When I shed my self-consciousness about Anne-Marie's body type and just let myself be free, it became strangely enjoyable to watch this dude get hard for Anne-Marie's body, and then put it to work. I was actually starting to enjoy it, although I never thought Hal was all that great at it (no offense to Anne-Marie.) There was also the fascinating advantage of not having to be "up" to start with, so while I never initiated it, I never had cause to turn it down either.
Eventually I learned to turn off the part of my brain that is averse to being the female part of the equation, partly out of enjoyment, partly out of perspective. I came to realize the person I see in the mirror is not Todd Casey, no matter how much I cling to that identity - I'm not Todd a lot of the time, but sex is basically the only thing there is to enjoy about being Anne-Marie. Nobody is going to look at me and think "that dude is so gay" because, well, gay dudes don't have vaginas. And in a few months, I won't either, so I'll be back to my usual preference. And I am psyched for that, but until then I make due with what I've got - a surprisingly sensitive and able woman's body, and a man who makes for a reliable if un-astounding partner.
Which brings me to the early part of April, when we found out Hal's dad was in the hospital. Right after that, shit started getting turned upside down at Hal's dental practice. I don't know the details, but Anne-Marie/Julia would. Some kind of filing clusterfuck that is at least partly related to her inexperience at filing and resentment from older co-workers. So he's got all that stress and emotional weight on him, good time to relieve your stress with some fucking, right?
I guess stress and grief turn Hal into an unstoppable screwing machine. In the 30 days of April we did it for about 22 of them, way up from our 6-8 average. We didn't do it the week of the funeral since we were all very busy and I happened to be on the rag*, and then afterward it was right back to it.
(*Now there's a feeling I have kept from this blog. I'm so burnt out during those times I tend to avoid the blog, and then I forget to write about it when I come back.)
I don't know when to say enough is enough, please get off me. I don't want to be rude and part of me still likes it, but eventually I've just got to say "Dude... if you keep using that thing it's gonna fall off." I haven't had much occasion declining sex in my life, so I'm not equipped for this discussion. I feel like at his age, he's risking hurting himself or something. But this is not the problem. As annoying as it can be, more sex is not something I'm complaining about at this point. No, the real problem came afterward. Pardon the pun.
After one session Saturday night, I left the bed to let Hal drift off to sleep. I never really got over the part of me that only wanted to take care of business and leave, so what I do most of the time is get up, read a book or surf the internet, and let him drift off, returning to bed about 20 minutes later. I got up, went to the washroom, cleaned myself up a bit, and as I was heading back through the bedroom to the stairs, I heard... sobbing.
Once I realized what was happening, I felt a mixture of pity, guilt, and anger. Pity because of how upset he is, feeling he's had to hide it all this time. Guilt because I'm not equipped to comfort him with anything other than sex, which is clearly not what he needs. Since I'm not really emotionally invested in this whole marriage, I feel awkward trying to comfort him anything more than a cursory pat on the back. Anger, because I'm the only one who can comfort him, I'm all he's got, and I haven't got the ability nor inclination to give the support he needs. It's a fucking reminder that I'm a substitute, a pretender, a liar. I'm not his wife, and after 9 months, I'm still fucking clueless about marriage.
This is a goddamn untenable situation, and I need to get out of it soon.
So all I could do was get back in the bed, hold him, and tell him sympathetically, "It's okay, sweetie." I sounded like an asshole, but it seemed to help.
But I've found that at least that part of me is still male - I find masculine emotional vulnerability uncomfortable, and it's a real turn-off. Now I really am tired of sex.
Never thought I'd see the day.
-Todd/AM
So he played it for me and I thought it was just noise at first. I didn't want to sit through it, but he basically held me hostage. I think around the 5th track - "Across the Sea" - I started to get it. By the time I heard "El Scorcho" it was like a revelation, and it all came to a crescendo at the end with the dramatic "Falling For You" followed by the sweet, acoustic "Butterfly." It was really the album that made me - and a lot of people my age - want to make music.
I've listened to it maybe a thousand times since. It's an album about a lot of things - desire, yearning, frustration, - universal emotions that seem especially poignant to me now in my current situation. I mean, let's look at some lyrics here...
Tired of Sex
I'm tired / So tired / I'm tired of having sex (so tired) / I'm spread / So thin / I don't know who I am
Getchoo
You know this is breaking me up / You think that I'm some kind of freak, uh huh / But if you come back to me / Then you will surely see / That I'm just fooling around
No Other One
Nobody knows me like her / Nobody knows her like me / We're all we've got and we don't want to be alone
Across the Sea
Why are you so far away from me? / I need help and you're way across the sea / I could never touch you / I think it would be wrong / I've got your letter / You've got my song
The Good Life
When I look in the mirror / I can't believe what I see / Tell me who's that funky dude / Starin' back at me ... Excuse the bitchin / I shouldn't complain / I should have no feeling / 'cause feeling is pain / As everything I need / Is denied me / Everything I want / Is taken away from me / But who do I got to blame / Nobody but me / And I don't wanna be an old man anymore / It's been a year or two since / I was out on the floor / Shakin' booty making sweet love all the night / It's time I got back to the good life
Falling For You
I'd do about anything to get the hell out alive / Or maybe I would rather settle down with you / Holy moly baby wouldn't you know it / Just as I was bustin' loose / I gotta go turn in my rock star card / And get fat and old with you....
Butterfly
I'm sorry for what I did / I did what my body told me to / I didn't mean to do you harm / Everytime I pin down what I think I want it slips away / The ghost slips away...
The lyrics I've pointed out have to do with a lot of different things in my life... pretending as Anne-Marie while trying to get back to being Todd, relating to Bryan and "Julia," being with Hall ... pining for Alia... I've got a lot on my mind lately. This will probably be a long post and my lyrical analysis definitely increases that.
Maybe I'm seeing parallels where there are non,e or maybe it speaks to how universal these themes truly are. I just think they take on a weird new dimension when I consider my situation... doing things I never thought I would with a life I never asked to have... I mean, a year ago, I never really understood how anybody could get "Tired of Sex." Even when I understood the song as an indication of exhaustion from the rock and roll lifestyle, I still thought sex was an unassailable virtue, one thing that was truly good. Even as a woman, I began to take for granted that sex is enjoyable from either side, as much as I would like to get back on the other team.
But this entire family crisis situation - the funeral and everything - had a weird, unexpected side effect on Hal.
We first had sex in late January. In February and March we averaged, I would say, 6-8 sessions per month. We'd have maybe one go during the week, and then one or two on weekends, tops. I never felt like doing it when I was on my period, and he never asked to.
I became something I kinda looked forward to, the special perk of being Anne-Marie. When I shed my self-consciousness about Anne-Marie's body type and just let myself be free, it became strangely enjoyable to watch this dude get hard for Anne-Marie's body, and then put it to work. I was actually starting to enjoy it, although I never thought Hal was all that great at it (no offense to Anne-Marie.) There was also the fascinating advantage of not having to be "up" to start with, so while I never initiated it, I never had cause to turn it down either.
Eventually I learned to turn off the part of my brain that is averse to being the female part of the equation, partly out of enjoyment, partly out of perspective. I came to realize the person I see in the mirror is not Todd Casey, no matter how much I cling to that identity - I'm not Todd a lot of the time, but sex is basically the only thing there is to enjoy about being Anne-Marie. Nobody is going to look at me and think "that dude is so gay" because, well, gay dudes don't have vaginas. And in a few months, I won't either, so I'll be back to my usual preference. And I am psyched for that, but until then I make due with what I've got - a surprisingly sensitive and able woman's body, and a man who makes for a reliable if un-astounding partner.
Which brings me to the early part of April, when we found out Hal's dad was in the hospital. Right after that, shit started getting turned upside down at Hal's dental practice. I don't know the details, but Anne-Marie/Julia would. Some kind of filing clusterfuck that is at least partly related to her inexperience at filing and resentment from older co-workers. So he's got all that stress and emotional weight on him, good time to relieve your stress with some fucking, right?
I guess stress and grief turn Hal into an unstoppable screwing machine. In the 30 days of April we did it for about 22 of them, way up from our 6-8 average. We didn't do it the week of the funeral since we were all very busy and I happened to be on the rag*, and then afterward it was right back to it.
(*Now there's a feeling I have kept from this blog. I'm so burnt out during those times I tend to avoid the blog, and then I forget to write about it when I come back.)
I don't know when to say enough is enough, please get off me. I don't want to be rude and part of me still likes it, but eventually I've just got to say "Dude... if you keep using that thing it's gonna fall off." I haven't had much occasion declining sex in my life, so I'm not equipped for this discussion. I feel like at his age, he's risking hurting himself or something. But this is not the problem. As annoying as it can be, more sex is not something I'm complaining about at this point. No, the real problem came afterward. Pardon the pun.
After one session Saturday night, I left the bed to let Hal drift off to sleep. I never really got over the part of me that only wanted to take care of business and leave, so what I do most of the time is get up, read a book or surf the internet, and let him drift off, returning to bed about 20 minutes later. I got up, went to the washroom, cleaned myself up a bit, and as I was heading back through the bedroom to the stairs, I heard... sobbing.
Once I realized what was happening, I felt a mixture of pity, guilt, and anger. Pity because of how upset he is, feeling he's had to hide it all this time. Guilt because I'm not equipped to comfort him with anything other than sex, which is clearly not what he needs. Since I'm not really emotionally invested in this whole marriage, I feel awkward trying to comfort him anything more than a cursory pat on the back. Anger, because I'm the only one who can comfort him, I'm all he's got, and I haven't got the ability nor inclination to give the support he needs. It's a fucking reminder that I'm a substitute, a pretender, a liar. I'm not his wife, and after 9 months, I'm still fucking clueless about marriage.
This is a goddamn untenable situation, and I need to get out of it soon.
So all I could do was get back in the bed, hold him, and tell him sympathetically, "It's okay, sweetie." I sounded like an asshole, but it seemed to help.
But I've found that at least that part of me is still male - I find masculine emotional vulnerability uncomfortable, and it's a real turn-off. Now I really am tired of sex.
Never thought I'd see the day.
-Todd/AM
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Todd/Anne-Marie: Under Pressure
Family gatherings are weird enough for me. I was proud of myself for the way I played Hayley's birthday, with the whole New York thing, I didn't really see Conner's coming. Sunday was his 11th birthday.
The next day was his grandfather's funeral.
Talk about surreal. He died on Friday, so while Hal and his siblings are making funeral arrangements, I'm still thinking about the birthday stuff and trying to console the kids. Hayley was very upset, and Conner was just blank... I guess everyone handles death in their own ways. I haven't been to a funeral in years, and again, this isn't really my family, but I tried to will myself to feel it during the service.
Anne-Marie and Ellie appeared during the visitation. They kept a low profile. Anne-Marie offered her condolences to her "boss." Kalli didn't introduce herself to anyone, and spoke only to me, Julia and Bryan. She looked really upset I think that might actually have been the first time they met. They went off to talk, and probably so that Ellie could cry without people wondering who she was and why she was there. It was actually quite busy, as Mr. Adkisson had a number of acquaintances come to pay their respects, as well as people from various volunteer groups he'd been involved with (that's probably where most people thought "Kalli" came in, come to think of it.) His widow, Lucille, was very stoic through the whole thing. I offered her my condolences and she just gave me a hug and told me, sadly, that it was his time.
After Anne-Marie and Ellie left, we held the wake at Trudy's house. I found Bryan sitting apart form the other "kids." It was a gorgeous day, so she was sitting on the back porch by the pool. It had been a little while since we'd had a good talk so I took of my shoes and dipped my legs in sitting next to her.
"How are you holding up?"
She shrugged. "He wasn't my grandfather. I'm okay."
I told her "That's now what I'm talking about. You seem like you've been really stressed out lately."
She said she didn't want to talk about it. I told her she could always talk to me, no matter what, because we were still best friends and she was still the most important person I had. The person I cared most about in this place.
She still didn't want to talk about school, but then said something else. "Todd... have you ever wondered what would've happened if we didn't turn into Anne-Marie and Ellie? If we were someone else?" I nodded. Sure, the thought had crossed my mind. "Do you know how easily we could've been him? How easily we could've woken up old, and sick?"
I told her people who were that sick didn't typically go on beach vacations to Maine.
She responded, "My great uncle. He used to travel all around the world. I never really knew him much, he spent a lot of time in Africa and Europe and Asia and stuff. He was a photographer. Hearing stories about him was what inspired me to buy a camera. He was back in Canada for a little while two years ago, preparing to go to the Australian Outback. Then he had a heart attack and died. He was well enough to book the flight and make his plans, and then he was dead. He was like fifty. How can you tell me that couldn't have been us?"
I thought for a moment before responding, "Because it wasn't us, Bryan. We've got two months before we go back. Why are you fixating on this?"
"I'm just... afraid, I guess."
I didn't have much to say to that. I wrapped my arm around her, she rested her head on my chest. After a while I told her, "I'm worried about you, man. I just want you to know things are going to be all right, okay?"
She said, "I just wanna go home."
"Me too."
We've both been through the ringer this past year. I think now, just the waiting is the hardest part.
-Todd/A.M.
The next day was his grandfather's funeral.
Talk about surreal. He died on Friday, so while Hal and his siblings are making funeral arrangements, I'm still thinking about the birthday stuff and trying to console the kids. Hayley was very upset, and Conner was just blank... I guess everyone handles death in their own ways. I haven't been to a funeral in years, and again, this isn't really my family, but I tried to will myself to feel it during the service.
Anne-Marie and Ellie appeared during the visitation. They kept a low profile. Anne-Marie offered her condolences to her "boss." Kalli didn't introduce herself to anyone, and spoke only to me, Julia and Bryan. She looked really upset I think that might actually have been the first time they met. They went off to talk, and probably so that Ellie could cry without people wondering who she was and why she was there. It was actually quite busy, as Mr. Adkisson had a number of acquaintances come to pay their respects, as well as people from various volunteer groups he'd been involved with (that's probably where most people thought "Kalli" came in, come to think of it.) His widow, Lucille, was very stoic through the whole thing. I offered her my condolences and she just gave me a hug and told me, sadly, that it was his time.
After Anne-Marie and Ellie left, we held the wake at Trudy's house. I found Bryan sitting apart form the other "kids." It was a gorgeous day, so she was sitting on the back porch by the pool. It had been a little while since we'd had a good talk so I took of my shoes and dipped my legs in sitting next to her.
"How are you holding up?"
She shrugged. "He wasn't my grandfather. I'm okay."
I told her "That's now what I'm talking about. You seem like you've been really stressed out lately."
She said she didn't want to talk about it. I told her she could always talk to me, no matter what, because we were still best friends and she was still the most important person I had. The person I cared most about in this place.
She still didn't want to talk about school, but then said something else. "Todd... have you ever wondered what would've happened if we didn't turn into Anne-Marie and Ellie? If we were someone else?" I nodded. Sure, the thought had crossed my mind. "Do you know how easily we could've been him? How easily we could've woken up old, and sick?"
I told her people who were that sick didn't typically go on beach vacations to Maine.
She responded, "My great uncle. He used to travel all around the world. I never really knew him much, he spent a lot of time in Africa and Europe and Asia and stuff. He was a photographer. Hearing stories about him was what inspired me to buy a camera. He was back in Canada for a little while two years ago, preparing to go to the Australian Outback. Then he had a heart attack and died. He was well enough to book the flight and make his plans, and then he was dead. He was like fifty. How can you tell me that couldn't have been us?"
I thought for a moment before responding, "Because it wasn't us, Bryan. We've got two months before we go back. Why are you fixating on this?"
"I'm just... afraid, I guess."
I didn't have much to say to that. I wrapped my arm around her, she rested her head on my chest. After a while I told her, "I'm worried about you, man. I just want you to know things are going to be all right, okay?"
She said, "I just wanna go home."
"Me too."
We've both been through the ringer this past year. I think now, just the waiting is the hardest part.
-Todd/A.M.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Bryan/Ellie: Nothing between us
It's nearly 2 AM and I can't really sleep. I'm stressed out of my mind.
For a while things were pretty good. I was hanging out with Emily plenty, but was getting less and less jealous when she'd ditch me for her boyfriend Mike - since I had Leanne to turn to. Leanne was becoming my secret little affair. I let myself believe it was a healthy arrangement.
I dunno if Ellie - the real Ellie - would be into girls. That's not my place to say. But I am. And I was in a position to have one when I needed one, when I needed to prove my manhood (even though she only liked me if I was a girl.) It's a shame that being a girl doesn't make it easier to deal with them.
I'm keep Leanne a secret, based on the reasoning that Ellie is young and possibly confused, why make a big coming out deal when I'm not even gonna be her in a few months? But until then, I want my fun. So on nights when Emily won't care whether I'm around, I head off to Leanne's place for a little study session.
It has been great having someone else to relate to. Emily's great and all, but I feel like there was only so much of myself I could share with her. Leanne...... she gets me, as much as anyone could without knowing my whole story. And she's in a better position to understand Bryan-as-Ellie than Todd, no offense, because Todd is a grown woman and getting laid regularly (whether she likes it or not -- and part of her defs does, no matter what she says.) Until Leanne I had nothing but sexual frustration.
Now I've got some release... but also some guilt. Because I care about this chick, but I feel bad for lying to her. I'm making out with her under false pretenses. If she knew what I really was, she'd probably be disgusted.
I never thought I'd say this, but it feels... wrong to take advantage of this.
But every time I try to man up and end it, I just take one look into those eyes of hers and they take my breath away.
And then I get so wrapped up in Leanne that when Emily's relationship with Mike goes rocky - the girl is a walking drama bomb - I'm not around to be her counselor, and then a rift forms between me and her.
I mean come on. I've got to have room in my life for more than one friend, right? I was a pretty popular guy as Bryan, I was in high demand. but between the secrecy of my relationship with Leanne, my girltalk with Emily and my occasional meetings with Todd - not to mention boys who still want to know me because they think I'm on the market, and the band we've sorta formed, it's exhausting as hell and I don't feel like I'm as satisfied as I ought to be. It should be easier! I'm overeating, not sleeping (as I already said) and getting zits.
Fuck it all! Too much drama! augh!
This has been... sorta helpful... but maybe I've gotta get something done for once in my life (like homework? Fuckkkk my marks are low.) I can't get out of here soon enough.
-Bry/El
For a while things were pretty good. I was hanging out with Emily plenty, but was getting less and less jealous when she'd ditch me for her boyfriend Mike - since I had Leanne to turn to. Leanne was becoming my secret little affair. I let myself believe it was a healthy arrangement.
I dunno if Ellie - the real Ellie - would be into girls. That's not my place to say. But I am. And I was in a position to have one when I needed one, when I needed to prove my manhood (even though she only liked me if I was a girl.) It's a shame that being a girl doesn't make it easier to deal with them.
I'm keep Leanne a secret, based on the reasoning that Ellie is young and possibly confused, why make a big coming out deal when I'm not even gonna be her in a few months? But until then, I want my fun. So on nights when Emily won't care whether I'm around, I head off to Leanne's place for a little study session.
It has been great having someone else to relate to. Emily's great and all, but I feel like there was only so much of myself I could share with her. Leanne...... she gets me, as much as anyone could without knowing my whole story. And she's in a better position to understand Bryan-as-Ellie than Todd, no offense, because Todd is a grown woman and getting laid regularly (whether she likes it or not -- and part of her defs does, no matter what she says.) Until Leanne I had nothing but sexual frustration.
Now I've got some release... but also some guilt. Because I care about this chick, but I feel bad for lying to her. I'm making out with her under false pretenses. If she knew what I really was, she'd probably be disgusted.
I never thought I'd say this, but it feels... wrong to take advantage of this.
But every time I try to man up and end it, I just take one look into those eyes of hers and they take my breath away.
And then I get so wrapped up in Leanne that when Emily's relationship with Mike goes rocky - the girl is a walking drama bomb - I'm not around to be her counselor, and then a rift forms between me and her.
I mean come on. I've got to have room in my life for more than one friend, right? I was a pretty popular guy as Bryan, I was in high demand. but between the secrecy of my relationship with Leanne, my girltalk with Emily and my occasional meetings with Todd - not to mention boys who still want to know me because they think I'm on the market, and the band we've sorta formed, it's exhausting as hell and I don't feel like I'm as satisfied as I ought to be. It should be easier! I'm overeating, not sleeping (as I already said) and getting zits.
Fuck it all! Too much drama! augh!
This has been... sorta helpful... but maybe I've gotta get something done for once in my life (like homework? Fuckkkk my marks are low.) I can't get out of here soon enough.
-Bry/El
Monday, April 13, 2009
Todd/Anne-Marie: Easter
Have I mentioned what a chore it is to put up with the Adkissons sometime? Not Hal, and not the kids, I mean, but... the family unit. Sure, as Todd I've had some family gatherings, but those were pretty tough to deal with and they were my actual family. With all the crap I deal with while playing Anne-Marie, my trip to Maine can't come soon enough.
Take Trudy (please.) Hal's judgmental sister, who has found every bit of incompetence I've shown to be more evidence Anne-Marie isn't right for her brother, even though they've been married for like 12 years and have two kids and everything, and all those mistakes have more to do with me having less than a year's worth of experience as a wife and mother. Like when she sees me and scoffs, "I swear it's like you don't even know how to dress yourself," it hurts more than it should, considering the circumstances (why should I be offended? I just am.) It's just a really bitchy thing to say.
This weekend involved more than the usual amount of family BS. Hal's and Trudy's (and Wayne, their other brother) father is in the hospital. He's in his 70's, has been undergoing chemotherapy, and had a stroke. Things do not look good. So we brought the kids over to see him, and he couldn't say much, and we wished him a quick recovery before being sent off. It was weird to me... I have never met this old man, he's just somebody's sick grandpa. And I feel bad, and I don't feel bad, and I feel bad for not feeling as bad as I should. The entire transformation has thrown my perception of life and death out of whack (and don't get my started on the way my mind wandered when we went to the Easter service... religion is so different when you've been part of a profoundly bizarre experience like this.)
So Trudy chastises me for not seeming concerned about her father, and I say of course I am (not really but she has no right to accuse me.) So, having had enough of it, I just close my eyes and let Todd out for one little moment.
"Trudy... you are such a bitch."
Okay, that's probably unfair of me to say considering we had just gotten back from the hospital where her father is lying, possibly on his deathbed. But I'd seriously had enough of her treatment toward me. I've tried being nice but she snipes at me at every opportunity. I've left it off the blog because it doesn't enter into the Inn-related things I tend to talk about, and I don't wanna remember her bitter old face when I'm back in Toronto, but this has really been getting to me lately. And all I ever wanted to know is why, and I guess I got a little closer to the answer when she retorted, "Oh, don't act like I'm the one who started this."
Not having Anne-Marie's backstory to draw on, I just sat there silently, while she smugly walked away. In a rather emotional state, I called up Anne-Marie to ask her what just happened, and she sighed and said she had some things to explain to me.
Apparently the animosity between Trudy and Anne-Marie has been there from the start, going back before Anne-Marie and Hal were married. Trudy and her husband were going through a rough patch in their young marriage and had a trial separation, during which time the husband, Chris (I think?) met Anne-Marie and began a fling with her. Then he reconciled with Trudy and somehow Anne-Marie fell in with Hal and eventually they got married. That would seem to be the end of it, but I guess Trudy has never come to grips with the fact that her brother's wife has had sex with her husband, and has always been suspicious of the two of us.
And here I thought this was all because Anne-Marie wanted to be Ellie's cool aunt.
So, the rest of the weekend proceeded like that. Bryan's getting weirdly aloof and I don't much like it, but I guess there's no problem so long as things get back to normal as soon as they can. After that confrontation - and finally learning what it was about - I just tuned it out. So, she doesn't like the way I cook the ham, or how I clean the dishes. Whatever. Just more impetus for me to leap back out of this life and forget it. It's not my fault she can't let go of grudges from over a decade ago. In fact, if there's one lesson I'm going to take with me from this profound experience, it's that life isn't worth holding on to stupid things like that for too long. It's hard to say, if you haven't spent a year in someone else's body, exactly how one reaches that conclusion. I used to think all of our experiences were what made us, what set us in stone, but if there's one thing I've learned, it's that nothing is so monumental it will always remain. Things change.
And of course, I'm ready to change back.
-Todd/AM
Take Trudy (please.) Hal's judgmental sister, who has found every bit of incompetence I've shown to be more evidence Anne-Marie isn't right for her brother, even though they've been married for like 12 years and have two kids and everything, and all those mistakes have more to do with me having less than a year's worth of experience as a wife and mother. Like when she sees me and scoffs, "I swear it's like you don't even know how to dress yourself," it hurts more than it should, considering the circumstances (why should I be offended? I just am.) It's just a really bitchy thing to say.
This weekend involved more than the usual amount of family BS. Hal's and Trudy's (and Wayne, their other brother) father is in the hospital. He's in his 70's, has been undergoing chemotherapy, and had a stroke. Things do not look good. So we brought the kids over to see him, and he couldn't say much, and we wished him a quick recovery before being sent off. It was weird to me... I have never met this old man, he's just somebody's sick grandpa. And I feel bad, and I don't feel bad, and I feel bad for not feeling as bad as I should. The entire transformation has thrown my perception of life and death out of whack (and don't get my started on the way my mind wandered when we went to the Easter service... religion is so different when you've been part of a profoundly bizarre experience like this.)
So Trudy chastises me for not seeming concerned about her father, and I say of course I am (not really but she has no right to accuse me.) So, having had enough of it, I just close my eyes and let Todd out for one little moment.
"Trudy... you are such a bitch."
Okay, that's probably unfair of me to say considering we had just gotten back from the hospital where her father is lying, possibly on his deathbed. But I'd seriously had enough of her treatment toward me. I've tried being nice but she snipes at me at every opportunity. I've left it off the blog because it doesn't enter into the Inn-related things I tend to talk about, and I don't wanna remember her bitter old face when I'm back in Toronto, but this has really been getting to me lately. And all I ever wanted to know is why, and I guess I got a little closer to the answer when she retorted, "Oh, don't act like I'm the one who started this."
Not having Anne-Marie's backstory to draw on, I just sat there silently, while she smugly walked away. In a rather emotional state, I called up Anne-Marie to ask her what just happened, and she sighed and said she had some things to explain to me.
Apparently the animosity between Trudy and Anne-Marie has been there from the start, going back before Anne-Marie and Hal were married. Trudy and her husband were going through a rough patch in their young marriage and had a trial separation, during which time the husband, Chris (I think?) met Anne-Marie and began a fling with her. Then he reconciled with Trudy and somehow Anne-Marie fell in with Hal and eventually they got married. That would seem to be the end of it, but I guess Trudy has never come to grips with the fact that her brother's wife has had sex with her husband, and has always been suspicious of the two of us.
And here I thought this was all because Anne-Marie wanted to be Ellie's cool aunt.
So, the rest of the weekend proceeded like that. Bryan's getting weirdly aloof and I don't much like it, but I guess there's no problem so long as things get back to normal as soon as they can. After that confrontation - and finally learning what it was about - I just tuned it out. So, she doesn't like the way I cook the ham, or how I clean the dishes. Whatever. Just more impetus for me to leap back out of this life and forget it. It's not my fault she can't let go of grudges from over a decade ago. In fact, if there's one lesson I'm going to take with me from this profound experience, it's that life isn't worth holding on to stupid things like that for too long. It's hard to say, if you haven't spent a year in someone else's body, exactly how one reaches that conclusion. I used to think all of our experiences were what made us, what set us in stone, but if there's one thing I've learned, it's that nothing is so monumental it will always remain. Things change.
And of course, I'm ready to change back.
-Todd/AM
Saturday, April 04, 2009
Todd/Anne-Marie: Living my lives
Considering everything that's been going on lately, I sometimes forget to mention what life is like as Anne-Marie. Between all my misadventures with Donna and Julia, my hanging out with Bryan and meeting Darren and Ginessa, it might seem like my entire life is based around me, Todd, just happening to look like someone else.
I guess all the other stuff just seems so much more mundane. Like it's less relevant than the stuff pertaining to the Inn. Like, my mind's been overwhelmed lately with preparations to go back (2 1/2 months if I'm not mistaken!) that I hardly have time or motivation to mention my Anne-Marie life. After all, does anybody care how accustomed I've gotten to doing the laundry of a prepubescent boy, and a pubescent girl? Or how good I've gotten at preparing different meals to fill the weeks, fewer and fewer of which involve the microwave?
Maybe not. but sadly that doesn't mean I can skip doing those things. It's just that, while I'm doing them, I tend to block out the part of my mind that is Todd (this happens during sex as well,) and then when I sit down to write my occasional blog entries, it's usually because something dramatic has happened with a fellow Inn-visitor, not because I mixed a red pair of panties in with my whites.
A few days ago, I was grocery shopping. I was reaching for the last box of Honey Nut Cheerios when I see another hand grab at the same time. I look over at the man attached to that wrist. He smiles awkwardly and lets go. "I don't need them," he says. I shrug and go on my way.
A little bit later I run into him again, this time in the coffee aisle. He's staring at the different types of tea, eyes glazed over. I happened to need tea as well, so we got to talking.
"I didn't used to drink tea, but my girlfriend got me hooked on the stuff," he chuckled. "Now she's gone and I've got no idea what to get."
"I didn't used to drink tea either," I mentioned. I neglected to add, "Until I became a woman." It's a weird affectation I've picked up from acting more mature.
After a little bit of pleasant chit-chat, mostly tea-related, he tells me his name's Jack, he's a Grad Student at some University around here. He looks to be about my age - the age I was when I was a man. We actually ended up doing a little joking around, making up funny stories about each different type of tea ("Who is Earl Grey anyhow?") As we started to hit it off, I suddenly got very wary, and asked him "Say... you've never been to Maine, have you?"
He just shrugs and says no. He asks me why I'd ask and I play it off, "You just reminded me of someone. Never mind."
He's about to say something else, starting with "I don't know if I'm out of line here, or anything, but..." I stop him and hold up my hand, specifically my ring finger. "Little word of advice. If you're going to hit on chicks in the middle of the day at the supermarket, check their hands."
"Ah," he looked embarrassed, "I was hoping you were divorced or... a widow, or single for whatever reason. I'm not very good at this. Did I mention my girlfriend just left me? Six years. I transferred out here to be with her. All of our friends were hers, pretty much."
"Well, it was a nice try," I consoled him, "I mean, try not to dwell on the sympathy angle too much, but you seem like a decent guy."
He was about to walk away. I stopped him, "Look. Don't get the wrong idea or anything, but why don't you give me your e-mail address or something? If you really don't know anybody around here, maybe I can help."
He shrugged, hesitantly, "I don't see why not," and handed me his business card. I wasn't sure what I intended to do with it... maybe pass it along to "Julia," or whatever. I'm definitely not in the market for an affair or anything, but I guess I just took the compliment too well. Anne-Marie isn't a young hottie or anything but I've always looked in the mirror and thought she had a certain milfishness. It's just that I never get looks out in public.
I checked my reflection to see if there was anything in particular that might've seemed overly appealing about me today, but no. No significant cleavage, no bare legs, bum looking nondescript... I just look like a normal lady. Not even wearing makeup, barely brushed my hair. So whatever this dude was looking at, it must've been very genuine, and, I dunno, I thought that was nice. It reminded me of those times on public transit when I'd find myself making casual conversation with a pretty girl. Left me with a similar feeling... minus the mild arousal.
It's the kinda feeling you hold onto, no matter what life you're living... it's hard to explain.
-Todd/AM
I guess all the other stuff just seems so much more mundane. Like it's less relevant than the stuff pertaining to the Inn. Like, my mind's been overwhelmed lately with preparations to go back (2 1/2 months if I'm not mistaken!) that I hardly have time or motivation to mention my Anne-Marie life. After all, does anybody care how accustomed I've gotten to doing the laundry of a prepubescent boy, and a pubescent girl? Or how good I've gotten at preparing different meals to fill the weeks, fewer and fewer of which involve the microwave?
Maybe not. but sadly that doesn't mean I can skip doing those things. It's just that, while I'm doing them, I tend to block out the part of my mind that is Todd (this happens during sex as well,) and then when I sit down to write my occasional blog entries, it's usually because something dramatic has happened with a fellow Inn-visitor, not because I mixed a red pair of panties in with my whites.
A few days ago, I was grocery shopping. I was reaching for the last box of Honey Nut Cheerios when I see another hand grab at the same time. I look over at the man attached to that wrist. He smiles awkwardly and lets go. "I don't need them," he says. I shrug and go on my way.
A little bit later I run into him again, this time in the coffee aisle. He's staring at the different types of tea, eyes glazed over. I happened to need tea as well, so we got to talking.
"I didn't used to drink tea, but my girlfriend got me hooked on the stuff," he chuckled. "Now she's gone and I've got no idea what to get."
"I didn't used to drink tea either," I mentioned. I neglected to add, "Until I became a woman." It's a weird affectation I've picked up from acting more mature.
After a little bit of pleasant chit-chat, mostly tea-related, he tells me his name's Jack, he's a Grad Student at some University around here. He looks to be about my age - the age I was when I was a man. We actually ended up doing a little joking around, making up funny stories about each different type of tea ("Who is Earl Grey anyhow?") As we started to hit it off, I suddenly got very wary, and asked him "Say... you've never been to Maine, have you?"
He just shrugs and says no. He asks me why I'd ask and I play it off, "You just reminded me of someone. Never mind."
He's about to say something else, starting with "I don't know if I'm out of line here, or anything, but..." I stop him and hold up my hand, specifically my ring finger. "Little word of advice. If you're going to hit on chicks in the middle of the day at the supermarket, check their hands."
"Ah," he looked embarrassed, "I was hoping you were divorced or... a widow, or single for whatever reason. I'm not very good at this. Did I mention my girlfriend just left me? Six years. I transferred out here to be with her. All of our friends were hers, pretty much."
"Well, it was a nice try," I consoled him, "I mean, try not to dwell on the sympathy angle too much, but you seem like a decent guy."
He was about to walk away. I stopped him, "Look. Don't get the wrong idea or anything, but why don't you give me your e-mail address or something? If you really don't know anybody around here, maybe I can help."
He shrugged, hesitantly, "I don't see why not," and handed me his business card. I wasn't sure what I intended to do with it... maybe pass it along to "Julia," or whatever. I'm definitely not in the market for an affair or anything, but I guess I just took the compliment too well. Anne-Marie isn't a young hottie or anything but I've always looked in the mirror and thought she had a certain milfishness. It's just that I never get looks out in public.
I checked my reflection to see if there was anything in particular that might've seemed overly appealing about me today, but no. No significant cleavage, no bare legs, bum looking nondescript... I just look like a normal lady. Not even wearing makeup, barely brushed my hair. So whatever this dude was looking at, it must've been very genuine, and, I dunno, I thought that was nice. It reminded me of those times on public transit when I'd find myself making casual conversation with a pretty girl. Left me with a similar feeling... minus the mild arousal.
It's the kinda feeling you hold onto, no matter what life you're living... it's hard to explain.
-Todd/AM
Wednesday, April 01, 2009
Todd/Anne-Marie: Decisions
I've had a lot on my mind lately, and I've made some decisions.
Bryan and I have agreed to stay in Connecticut - to stay as Anne-Marie and Ellie.
It's just too much hassle to go back to our real lives, and honestly, I'm starting to love this. I get to go to bed every night with a man I am slowly realizing I love, and raise two beautiful, wonderful, well-behaved children. Plus I'm rich - it's awesome to be able to just sponge off a successful dentist forever. And anytime I want, I can just climb on top of him, and he gives me what I need. He's like a stallion. He makes me weak in the knees.
Bryan, too, agrees that we're better off. She - I might as well start calling her Ellie now - is loving the chance to re-do high school from a girl's perspective. The leering boys, the cheerleaders, the hormones. She's also told me she's lost interest in the whole "Leanne" thing. It was more of a phase where she was just denying the truth - she couldn't want to find some guy to mess around with.
Now that we've accepted our fates - hell, embraced them - the future looks pretty good. Honestly, I'm considering going down to the sperm bank, getting some of Hal's guys, and squeezing out one of our own. After all, my clock is ticking, and that's something I'd really like to try, now that I can.
I'm really excited. Suddenly, I know what I want in my life. And that feels wonderful. Mrs. Hal Adkisson. Anne-Marie.
OH, yeah, one last thing.
Check the date.
April fools!
-TODD!
Bryan and I have agreed to stay in Connecticut - to stay as Anne-Marie and Ellie.
It's just too much hassle to go back to our real lives, and honestly, I'm starting to love this. I get to go to bed every night with a man I am slowly realizing I love, and raise two beautiful, wonderful, well-behaved children. Plus I'm rich - it's awesome to be able to just sponge off a successful dentist forever. And anytime I want, I can just climb on top of him, and he gives me what I need. He's like a stallion. He makes me weak in the knees.
Bryan, too, agrees that we're better off. She - I might as well start calling her Ellie now - is loving the chance to re-do high school from a girl's perspective. The leering boys, the cheerleaders, the hormones. She's also told me she's lost interest in the whole "Leanne" thing. It was more of a phase where she was just denying the truth - she couldn't want to find some guy to mess around with.
Now that we've accepted our fates - hell, embraced them - the future looks pretty good. Honestly, I'm considering going down to the sperm bank, getting some of Hal's guys, and squeezing out one of our own. After all, my clock is ticking, and that's something I'd really like to try, now that I can.
I'm really excited. Suddenly, I know what I want in my life. And that feels wonderful. Mrs. Hal Adkisson. Anne-Marie.
OH, yeah, one last thing.
Check the date.
April fools!
-TODD!
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Todd/Anne-Marie: Loose threads.
As much as I feel like I know a lot about the people who came before me on this blog, I haven't interacted with many of them directly. So I feel like it would be out of line asking Jessica, a former professional detective, to help me seek out the original Julia and Kalli. I figure from her road trip stories she'd probably be good at it, maybe even dig it, but she's probably real busy with school these days. What troubles me is that I got so focused on undoing all the mischief of the Inn - not just to me, but to everyone - that I can't seem to accept the fact that they probably aren't going to appear anytime soon. So this means Julia and Kalli will have a couple new tenants in their bodies, even if all goes as planned.
Anyway, it'd be a big help for my own curiosity at least, to find these people and be able to say what's happening one way or the other. The investigative skills I learned in journalism are probably neolithic compared to the ones she learned as a cop. But here's what I've got.
to the best of my knowledge, Julia and Kalli are currently in Washington state under the surname Johnson. Now for starters, I can't go searching through through the Washington phone directory looking for all the Johnsons, even if I knew what town they were in, which I don't. Being on the other side of the country probably suggests they won't be making it out to Maine anytime soon, which means they're probably going to fall into that "forced to stay put and accept" category I've been working so hard to stay out of.
Which is what brings me to my next loose thread. Donna Hayes, my evil little enabler down the block. She was so intent that I not go back to Maine, but by the time I returned from New York she couldn't wait to hear me out.
With a fair bit of reluctance I found myself back in her kitchen, drinking her tea.
I told her, "If you want to save some time, there's a blog where some of us write. Maybe you could even... pitch something in?"
She pursed her lips and cocked her eyebrows. "Is that one of those internet websites? I don't know much about that," she smiled dismissively. "I'm so behind the times. Why don't you just tell me your story yourself."
"Okay then," I began, searching my mind for the right opening line. "I don't know if it's occurred to you how random the inn's transformations can be. Sometimes people gain a few years, sometimes they lose them. Sometimes they change race. And sometimes - shockingly frequently - it changes their sex."
I let it sit there for a moment. She nodded insistently. "Go on."
I couldn't believe she seemed so interested in what I was saying. So I continued. "My name is Todd Casey. I'm a 24-year-old man from Toronto, Ontario. Canada."
"You don't say." She didn't seem all that shocked.
"I woke up last summer in the body of your friend Anne-Marie. Until then I'd been poor, a freeloader, a slacker. I was comfortable being lazy. And now that I live a life where everything is given to me, and I can afford to be lazy... I hate it. All this luxury, it comes with dependence on Anne-Marie's husband. As crazy as it sounds, this entire experience has made me want to change my life - as soon as I get back to it. Taught me not to coast, that I should make something of myself, because back in Canada, I don't have someone to bring home the bacon for me."
She seemed confused, "So why don't you stay?"
"This might be hard for you to understand, Donna, but I don't enjoy being a woman. I don't enjoy being a wife or a mother or a homemaker or a soccer mom or whatever Anne-Marie is. Whatever I look like, that's what I'm not. And I need to go back to being what I am."
"A 'slacker'?"
"A man. An independent man."
"Well, if that's the way you feel - Todd, was it? - I wish you luck. I know now that I can't change your mind. Maybe if you lived as long as I have you'd see it form my perspective, but you've made up your mind and I respect that."
"Lived as long as you have?" I stood up, "Lady, you won't even tell me your real name or where you're from. How am I supposed to take your word for it?"
"You really want to know?"
"Yeah."
"Come back when you've done your little change. Come back when you're you again and I'll tell you. I'll tell you on one condition."
"What's that? Are you extorting me? You're way richer than me--!"
"No, I don't want money." She sipped, "I want to meet you. The real you. This Todd person you claim to be."
"Why?"
She paused a while, her face fading up in blush as she smiled evilly. "I want you to make love to me."
I gagged a little. I don't know why - I've had worse - but the fact that she was suddenly using my curiosity about her background to cheat on her husband was utterly disgusting.
"Forget it," I grumbled, walking out.
"What's the problem, Todd? Am I too much woman for you now? Rather wrap yourself around Hal's big, thick--"
"That's enough!" I shrieked. "I have fucked for a lot of reasons. Love. Gratitude. Revenge. Even one time - just once - money. But this is just sick. Why? Why do you want this? What is your purpose lady? Are you just messing with my head? You're a fucking bitch." I really laid into her. "You're insane and I'm leaving."
As I was slipping on my shoes, I heard an unnerving sound. Sobbing. I whispered, "Oh brother," to myself and turned. "What's wrong?"
"You want to know why? Because I'm an outcast, Anne-Marie." I wished she wouldn't call me that. "How long I've spent trying to build up this life, and tricking myself into believing these people knew me, liked me for who I am inside, not how much I'm worth. My husband married me so my daddy - sorry, Donna's daddy - would make him vice president. Now he's gone all the time. I'd divorce him, but we had a pre-nup and I'd get nothing. I'd be ruined, Anne-Marie, so I have to stay in this loveless goddamn marriage with a man who fucks around all week long in New York City while I stay at home and watch Soaps. This sounds sick, I know, but you're the closest thing I've had to a real friend in years, and I only realized it because you reminded me that I don't belong here. So go. Leave. I know I can't."
I didn't know what to make of it. If it was an act, it was Oscar-worthy. I felt really ill in my stomach at her words.
I thought it over. Maybe I could use a little practice before returning to Alia. Maybe I could convince Bryan to go in my place. It wasn't even about learning the truth as it was... pity. I felt sorry for this sad woman whose life has clearly not been satisfying, no matter where she came from. Goddamnit she was persuasive.
All I said was a muttered, "We'll talk about it later." And I left.
So that's the way things stand.
The sooner I can leave the Inn behind the better. It's brought out the worst in a lot of people.
-Todd/Anne-Marie
Anyway, it'd be a big help for my own curiosity at least, to find these people and be able to say what's happening one way or the other. The investigative skills I learned in journalism are probably neolithic compared to the ones she learned as a cop. But here's what I've got.
to the best of my knowledge, Julia and Kalli are currently in Washington state under the surname Johnson. Now for starters, I can't go searching through through the Washington phone directory looking for all the Johnsons, even if I knew what town they were in, which I don't. Being on the other side of the country probably suggests they won't be making it out to Maine anytime soon, which means they're probably going to fall into that "forced to stay put and accept" category I've been working so hard to stay out of.
Which is what brings me to my next loose thread. Donna Hayes, my evil little enabler down the block. She was so intent that I not go back to Maine, but by the time I returned from New York she couldn't wait to hear me out.
With a fair bit of reluctance I found myself back in her kitchen, drinking her tea.
I told her, "If you want to save some time, there's a blog where some of us write. Maybe you could even... pitch something in?"
She pursed her lips and cocked her eyebrows. "Is that one of those internet websites? I don't know much about that," she smiled dismissively. "I'm so behind the times. Why don't you just tell me your story yourself."
"Okay then," I began, searching my mind for the right opening line. "I don't know if it's occurred to you how random the inn's transformations can be. Sometimes people gain a few years, sometimes they lose them. Sometimes they change race. And sometimes - shockingly frequently - it changes their sex."
I let it sit there for a moment. She nodded insistently. "Go on."
I couldn't believe she seemed so interested in what I was saying. So I continued. "My name is Todd Casey. I'm a 24-year-old man from Toronto, Ontario. Canada."
"You don't say." She didn't seem all that shocked.
"I woke up last summer in the body of your friend Anne-Marie. Until then I'd been poor, a freeloader, a slacker. I was comfortable being lazy. And now that I live a life where everything is given to me, and I can afford to be lazy... I hate it. All this luxury, it comes with dependence on Anne-Marie's husband. As crazy as it sounds, this entire experience has made me want to change my life - as soon as I get back to it. Taught me not to coast, that I should make something of myself, because back in Canada, I don't have someone to bring home the bacon for me."
She seemed confused, "So why don't you stay?"
"This might be hard for you to understand, Donna, but I don't enjoy being a woman. I don't enjoy being a wife or a mother or a homemaker or a soccer mom or whatever Anne-Marie is. Whatever I look like, that's what I'm not. And I need to go back to being what I am."
"A 'slacker'?"
"A man. An independent man."
"Well, if that's the way you feel - Todd, was it? - I wish you luck. I know now that I can't change your mind. Maybe if you lived as long as I have you'd see it form my perspective, but you've made up your mind and I respect that."
"Lived as long as you have?" I stood up, "Lady, you won't even tell me your real name or where you're from. How am I supposed to take your word for it?"
"You really want to know?"
"Yeah."
"Come back when you've done your little change. Come back when you're you again and I'll tell you. I'll tell you on one condition."
"What's that? Are you extorting me? You're way richer than me--!"
"No, I don't want money." She sipped, "I want to meet you. The real you. This Todd person you claim to be."
"Why?"
She paused a while, her face fading up in blush as she smiled evilly. "I want you to make love to me."
I gagged a little. I don't know why - I've had worse - but the fact that she was suddenly using my curiosity about her background to cheat on her husband was utterly disgusting.
"Forget it," I grumbled, walking out.
"What's the problem, Todd? Am I too much woman for you now? Rather wrap yourself around Hal's big, thick--"
"That's enough!" I shrieked. "I have fucked for a lot of reasons. Love. Gratitude. Revenge. Even one time - just once - money. But this is just sick. Why? Why do you want this? What is your purpose lady? Are you just messing with my head? You're a fucking bitch." I really laid into her. "You're insane and I'm leaving."
As I was slipping on my shoes, I heard an unnerving sound. Sobbing. I whispered, "Oh brother," to myself and turned. "What's wrong?"
"You want to know why? Because I'm an outcast, Anne-Marie." I wished she wouldn't call me that. "How long I've spent trying to build up this life, and tricking myself into believing these people knew me, liked me for who I am inside, not how much I'm worth. My husband married me so my daddy - sorry, Donna's daddy - would make him vice president. Now he's gone all the time. I'd divorce him, but we had a pre-nup and I'd get nothing. I'd be ruined, Anne-Marie, so I have to stay in this loveless goddamn marriage with a man who fucks around all week long in New York City while I stay at home and watch Soaps. This sounds sick, I know, but you're the closest thing I've had to a real friend in years, and I only realized it because you reminded me that I don't belong here. So go. Leave. I know I can't."
I didn't know what to make of it. If it was an act, it was Oscar-worthy. I felt really ill in my stomach at her words.
I thought it over. Maybe I could use a little practice before returning to Alia. Maybe I could convince Bryan to go in my place. It wasn't even about learning the truth as it was... pity. I felt sorry for this sad woman whose life has clearly not been satisfying, no matter where she came from. Goddamnit she was persuasive.
All I said was a muttered, "We'll talk about it later." And I left.
So that's the way things stand.
The sooner I can leave the Inn behind the better. It's brought out the worst in a lot of people.
-Todd/Anne-Marie
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Bryan/Ellie: Jam sesh
So a while back I met Emily's brother Dennis who is kind of a musician, in the way that a teenage boy with a guitar is a musician. I made the mistake of showing off a bit to him, even though in this body I'm kinda terrible, and for a while he would ask if I wanted to hang out with him and jam.
Nothing ever really came with that, and anytime I'm over at Emily's to have a sleepover or whatever, if I'd see him he'd get kinda awkward. It happens. When you're a teenager there's no shortage of stuff to make you awkward, whether you've been transformed or not.
So last Friday night I was at Emily's place when she gets a text from her boyfriend Mike. They've been really off and on. She's really into him and he kinda plays it cool... which honestly isn't unlike me, but seeing it from this perspective, it seems unfair to her (especially since she gets my panties all worked up whenever she comes around, so there's I guess a bit of jealousy from me.)
ANYWAY what happened was Mike texted her and asked if she wanted to come over and do stuff. For a while it was almost like she was gonna blow him off and hang out with me, but I could tell she really wanted to go. Since I'm pretty comfortable at her place - hell, more comfortable than at Ellie's - it was okay that I stayed and finished the movie (Wall-E.)
As I was going, I ran into Dennis, who'd been in the basement. I was putting on my jacket, and he sidles up to me. "Listen I'm not a creeper or anything. It's still early, I've got some people downstairs you might want to meet."
There are times when I forget that I'm small and basically defenseless (I'm not much of a fighter, but I could get crazy against a dude like him.) So I began to trust him, but I told him that if anything went wrong I would tell Emily. He just looked at me and asked what she'd been telling me about him. I said it was hard to explain.
But whatever. As I mentally prepared myself for the worst, he led me to the basement, where he had his guitar on a stand, a bass leaning up against an old couch, and a small drum kit. Behind the drums was a girl Dennis' age, with moppish short brown hair and emo-glasses. Sitting across from them was a more conventional looking blonde girl on a cushy chair. She looked, and must've felt, somewhat out of place. Good figure, low-cut top.
He gestured to the drummer chick and then to the other, "Ellie, this is Leanne and May." May stood up and wrapped her arms around him. Girlfriend. Duh.
"Leanne and I jam together sometimes, and I thought that maybe you'd wanna join, since your night kinda got ruined by my sister leaving." He looked over at Leanne, "Ellie's pretty good at guitar for her age." He looked back at me, "Ever played bass?"
I rolled my eyes. I didn't really wanna be the cliche chick bass player.... as much as I love the Pixies, Smashing Pumpkins, and to a lesser extent Sonic Youth. Sure, I can play, but only bothered to learn as much as any guitarist who is actually good at that instrument.
Whatever. I slung the bass over my shoulder. It felt like a monster in my little arms (for those unfamiliar, bass guitars have considerably longer necks than real guitars.) We tinkered around, I didn't attempt anything tricky. It wasn't the same thrill as when I had the guitar in my hands but it was nice anyway.
Eventually May, who was probably getting tired of the scenario, looked at her watch. She noted it was getting late to Dennis and he took the guitar strap off his shoulder. Without much explanation, they hurried upstairs. "Uh, if you wanna play the guitar you can," he said leaning over the railing, "but if you break any strings you're paying."
I was going for the guitar when Leanne said "Mind if we take a break?" I said sure, but was a little disappointed I couldn't rip into some non-talkbox Frampton.
She went over to the mini-fridge and looked through it. "You drink?" She grabbed two bottles of cheap American beer.
"Sure."
She opened one and handed it to me. "Are you sure? I don't want to corrupt any little children." She smirked.
I laughed. "Believe me, I'm plenty corrupted already."
She grinned, "Oh yeah? you don't look like you've done much."
I joked, "Only to myself."
She nodded and sipped, "Good to keep in practice. So tell me... why'd you keep looking over at May?"
"Was I?"
"Dennis didn't notice 'cause he was in front of you, but I could tell. I figure there's two reasons. One is that you can't figure out why she's with him... because you want him." I shook my head. She sipped again. "The other is you couldn't help noticing her awesome chest."
My eyes darted right back over to her. She looked back at me.
"Look," she blushed, "You're really young and probably really confused, but I remember when I was your age. Figuring out what you want, why you don't see boys the way all your girlfriends do. Maybe you're not ready, maybe I'm reading you wrong."
"You're not." I told her abruptly, blurting out "I don't ever wanna touch a penis." (One that doesn't belong to me.)
She inched closer, and I closed my eyes. Oh God, the softness of her lips, the way her fingers brushed my thigh. I let myself enjoy it for just a second before something struck me and I jolted back.
"Oh, wow," I exclaimed, "That was... I mean, it was really sudden." But my mind had darted back to Ellie, to the Inn and how I would leave. I've said on this blog how I had feelings for Emily but I didn't mean to do anything about them, or anything at all. Because I know things are going to be weird for Ellie once we change back. But at the same time, the desire to feel something like that... was just overwhelming.
"Is something wrong?" she seemed sincere.
"I'm just... I'm.... maybe you're right. Maybe I'm not ready."
"It's okay," she leaned back a bit, separating the two of us further, "I'm kinda just got out of a thing, and I don't want you to think you're just a rebound. It's not, like, fair to you."
And I'm thinking: Well, in a few months, I'm going to be a whole other person, and that's not really fair to you, so I guess we're even.
"It was nice though," I said to comfort her. "And maybe sometime we can again. Just... don't tell Dennis, okay? Because then he'll tell Em, and I don't wanna deal with that."
She nodded, it seemed fair.
And then we started kissing again.
Ellie, Todd said you read this, and I'm sorry, I guess, but I couldn't help myself. A cute teenage lesbian (bi?) was coming onto me and I couldn't say no. Maybe that's how you ended up letting Todd Jones feel you up on your Aunt's couch. Let's call it even.
I mean, it's not like Leanne's gonna become my girlfriend.
Probably.
-Bry/El
Nothing ever really came with that, and anytime I'm over at Emily's to have a sleepover or whatever, if I'd see him he'd get kinda awkward. It happens. When you're a teenager there's no shortage of stuff to make you awkward, whether you've been transformed or not.
So last Friday night I was at Emily's place when she gets a text from her boyfriend Mike. They've been really off and on. She's really into him and he kinda plays it cool... which honestly isn't unlike me, but seeing it from this perspective, it seems unfair to her (especially since she gets my panties all worked up whenever she comes around, so there's I guess a bit of jealousy from me.)
ANYWAY what happened was Mike texted her and asked if she wanted to come over and do stuff. For a while it was almost like she was gonna blow him off and hang out with me, but I could tell she really wanted to go. Since I'm pretty comfortable at her place - hell, more comfortable than at Ellie's - it was okay that I stayed and finished the movie (Wall-E.)
As I was going, I ran into Dennis, who'd been in the basement. I was putting on my jacket, and he sidles up to me. "Listen I'm not a creeper or anything. It's still early, I've got some people downstairs you might want to meet."
There are times when I forget that I'm small and basically defenseless (I'm not much of a fighter, but I could get crazy against a dude like him.) So I began to trust him, but I told him that if anything went wrong I would tell Emily. He just looked at me and asked what she'd been telling me about him. I said it was hard to explain.
But whatever. As I mentally prepared myself for the worst, he led me to the basement, where he had his guitar on a stand, a bass leaning up against an old couch, and a small drum kit. Behind the drums was a girl Dennis' age, with moppish short brown hair and emo-glasses. Sitting across from them was a more conventional looking blonde girl on a cushy chair. She looked, and must've felt, somewhat out of place. Good figure, low-cut top.
He gestured to the drummer chick and then to the other, "Ellie, this is Leanne and May." May stood up and wrapped her arms around him. Girlfriend. Duh.
"Leanne and I jam together sometimes, and I thought that maybe you'd wanna join, since your night kinda got ruined by my sister leaving." He looked over at Leanne, "Ellie's pretty good at guitar for her age." He looked back at me, "Ever played bass?"
I rolled my eyes. I didn't really wanna be the cliche chick bass player.... as much as I love the Pixies, Smashing Pumpkins, and to a lesser extent Sonic Youth. Sure, I can play, but only bothered to learn as much as any guitarist who is actually good at that instrument.
Whatever. I slung the bass over my shoulder. It felt like a monster in my little arms (for those unfamiliar, bass guitars have considerably longer necks than real guitars.) We tinkered around, I didn't attempt anything tricky. It wasn't the same thrill as when I had the guitar in my hands but it was nice anyway.
Eventually May, who was probably getting tired of the scenario, looked at her watch. She noted it was getting late to Dennis and he took the guitar strap off his shoulder. Without much explanation, they hurried upstairs. "Uh, if you wanna play the guitar you can," he said leaning over the railing, "but if you break any strings you're paying."
I was going for the guitar when Leanne said "Mind if we take a break?" I said sure, but was a little disappointed I couldn't rip into some non-talkbox Frampton.
She went over to the mini-fridge and looked through it. "You drink?" She grabbed two bottles of cheap American beer.
"Sure."
She opened one and handed it to me. "Are you sure? I don't want to corrupt any little children." She smirked.
I laughed. "Believe me, I'm plenty corrupted already."
She grinned, "Oh yeah? you don't look like you've done much."
I joked, "Only to myself."
She nodded and sipped, "Good to keep in practice. So tell me... why'd you keep looking over at May?"
"Was I?"
"Dennis didn't notice 'cause he was in front of you, but I could tell. I figure there's two reasons. One is that you can't figure out why she's with him... because you want him." I shook my head. She sipped again. "The other is you couldn't help noticing her awesome chest."
My eyes darted right back over to her. She looked back at me.
"Look," she blushed, "You're really young and probably really confused, but I remember when I was your age. Figuring out what you want, why you don't see boys the way all your girlfriends do. Maybe you're not ready, maybe I'm reading you wrong."
"You're not." I told her abruptly, blurting out "I don't ever wanna touch a penis." (One that doesn't belong to me.)
She inched closer, and I closed my eyes. Oh God, the softness of her lips, the way her fingers brushed my thigh. I let myself enjoy it for just a second before something struck me and I jolted back.
"Oh, wow," I exclaimed, "That was... I mean, it was really sudden." But my mind had darted back to Ellie, to the Inn and how I would leave. I've said on this blog how I had feelings for Emily but I didn't mean to do anything about them, or anything at all. Because I know things are going to be weird for Ellie once we change back. But at the same time, the desire to feel something like that... was just overwhelming.
"Is something wrong?" she seemed sincere.
"I'm just... I'm.... maybe you're right. Maybe I'm not ready."
"It's okay," she leaned back a bit, separating the two of us further, "I'm kinda just got out of a thing, and I don't want you to think you're just a rebound. It's not, like, fair to you."
And I'm thinking: Well, in a few months, I'm going to be a whole other person, and that's not really fair to you, so I guess we're even.
"It was nice though," I said to comfort her. "And maybe sometime we can again. Just... don't tell Dennis, okay? Because then he'll tell Em, and I don't wanna deal with that."
She nodded, it seemed fair.
And then we started kissing again.
Ellie, Todd said you read this, and I'm sorry, I guess, but I couldn't help myself. A cute teenage lesbian (bi?) was coming onto me and I couldn't say no. Maybe that's how you ended up letting Todd Jones feel you up on your Aunt's couch. Let's call it even.
I mean, it's not like Leanne's gonna become my girlfriend.
Probably.
-Bry/El
Friday, March 20, 2009
Todd/Anne-Marie: Mystery of the bra
After we got home from New York things kinda took a turn for the lazy around here. That's what happens, I guess, you just formulate routines and get through the day. For the most part I've been getting up early, exercising, cleaning, cooking, watching TV... just being a lazyass pampered housewife I suppose.
And then one day, Hal decides to go fishing in the cushions of the couch, and what does he find?
A bra.
At first, he thought it was pretty amusing. "Honey, you're such a slob, I love you," blah, blah, gag me.*
(*I love late 80's valley girl slang, I have no idea why.)
But as he hands it to me, something immediately catches my attention... the fact that it's obviously not mine. I would know if I lost a bra in the living room sofa, and I know this is not quite Anne-Marie's size. There were only a couple of possible suspects as to the owner of the bra - it was probably "Julia," whom we'd hired to watch the house while we were in New York.
So I drove over there on the weekend, went up to her place, made sure Todd-2 wasn't around, and threw the bra down on her kitchen table. "Look," I say, "I'm a pretty open-minded person and all, and whatever you do in Julia's body isn't any of my concern, but for God's sake please don't leave your underwear in my furniture."
Seemingly unnerved, she glares at the bra a moment, then looks up at me with those big, brown eyes. God, Julia's a hottie. I think about what I've just said, then immediately smack my own face and correct myself. "I mean... your furniture. Oh, God, I mean, I know it's yours, I don't really think of any of this as mine... this is just very stressful."
"No, it's not that..." she says quietly, clearing her throat. "That's not mine."
I tell her again, "It's not mine."
She just shakes her head. She means it's not Julia's, either. She explained: Saturday night, when she was supposed to be looking after the house (the Adkissons have a cat and some fish.) "Julia" had to run some errands, so she had "Kalli" watch over the house for just a few hours.
We just sat there quietly a moment, realizing exactly what had been going on. About twenty minutes went by, neither of us hardly saying anything, just trying to figure out exactly how to deal with this, when "Kalli" and Todd-2 walked in the door, laughing. J and I were on the couch. "Julia" spoke up - "Hi Todd, could you, um, let us talk a while?"
"Uh, sure thing Jules," he left, uncertain exactly what was going on. He gestured at me, "Who's this? I'm Todd."
I gave him a firm, nonplussed handshake. "Anne-Marie."
"Are you two related?"
'Julia' - "It's complicated. Do you mind?"
"No, sure thing ladies," he said. "See you tomorrow Kal?" She nodded. He kissed her on the cheek as he left.
As soon as he was gone, I tossed the bra at her. "What's up, Kal? Thought you might want this."
She rolled her eyes and groaned. "Here we go."
"What do you think you're doing?" Anne-Marie/Julia started in, suddenly sounding very motherly, "He is way too old for you."
"Not that it's any of your business, Julia but we just went to the movies."
"What are you doing leaving your underwear at my house?" she continues. "You shouldn't be..." she let the ellipses complete her thought.
Ellie folded her arms across her chest. "I don't know if you've noticed, but I'm old enough to take care of myself," indicating Kalli's body.
I watched on as they proceeded to play out a typical-sounding mother-daughter argument, in the bodies and voices of these equally-aged girls. Apparently what happened in South Carolina is that they ran into Todd-2, who was looking to get back with Julia. Anne-Marie, however, was determined to stay faithful to her husband, and didn't want to complicate matters by taking on Julia's ex-boyfriend, so somehow, the affection gets shifted over to Kalli, and somehow nobody thinks at first what a horrible idea for a girl with the mind of a 14-year-old but a body a decade older to have a sexually experienced boyfriend, who would probably have some expectations.
Ellie/Kalli pleads innocent - they haven't had sex and she doesn't plan on it. I attest that all I found was a bra, which is hardly exonerating evidence and nobody's too thrilled about the idea of her letting him get to second base. She admits, yeah, it's been getting kind of heavy, but she never intended to go all the way, and was up front with him about it.
Then she did awful that thing ever teenage girl I've ever known does in an argument - takes it someplace else beyond reason.
"And so what if I did it, anyway?"
Now that's a Pandora's Box to open. As soon as Anne can say anything in response, Kalli is firing the salvo. "We've been living like this for months. I'm not the same person I was when I was Ellie, and you can't treat me like some dumb kid. Kalli definitely wasn't a virgin, so what point would there be in denying it, if I wanted it?"
Anne, suddenly overwhelmed, sat on the couch with her elbows on her knees. She collected her thoughts a moment before starting in, "You should be taking care of yourself... no matter whose life you've got. You've only known Todd [Jones] for a few weeks. If he's your first experience... and don't forget Kalli's experiences are not yours... it might affect you when we go back. These are just decisions too big for us to handle with lives that won't be ours forever."
I nodded along. Anne was seeming surprisingly wise.
Then Kalli pointed at me and asked, "Why is it okay for her to have sex with Uncle Hal?" I must've looked surprised for a moment, but she added, "Dude, I totally read the blog."
Anne sighs and says, "Because... It just is." Not really a good answer, but she continued. "Todd had experience enough to make the right decision, and because I know my husband, and trust him. We agreed."
"Weren't you worried she'd, like, fall in love with him because of the sex?"
I laugh quietly, self-deprecatingly. "Ellie, sex isn't love." It's the kind of thing a man is more likely to say than a woman.
Ellie got a little somber, sitting on the arm of the chair near me. "It's just not fair. I'm so free right now, and in a few months I have to give it all up and go back to the way things were."
I sit next to her and pat her shoulder. "I know it isn't fair, but you have a whole life of your own to go back to. You have awkward teen years to live out, and a terrible, terrible first time with a boy who is equally clueless as you to look forward to."
She smiled. "Todd, you're a goof." I've been called worse. "But I'm just worried that things aren't going to work out once we leave these lives. That's the big question."
I shrug and say that's a problem for Julia and Kalli to deal with. Ellie shoots me a look. "Didn't... Aunt Anne tell you?" I shake my head and look over at "Julia," who seems guilty of something.
Her voice turned grave. "Um, I guess I never mentioned it. Todd, I haven't been able to contact the original Kalli and Julia. We have no idea where they are, and we may not be able to get them their lives back."
Oh.
-Todd/AM
And then one day, Hal decides to go fishing in the cushions of the couch, and what does he find?
A bra.
At first, he thought it was pretty amusing. "Honey, you're such a slob, I love you," blah, blah, gag me.*
(*I love late 80's valley girl slang, I have no idea why.)
But as he hands it to me, something immediately catches my attention... the fact that it's obviously not mine. I would know if I lost a bra in the living room sofa, and I know this is not quite Anne-Marie's size. There were only a couple of possible suspects as to the owner of the bra - it was probably "Julia," whom we'd hired to watch the house while we were in New York.
So I drove over there on the weekend, went up to her place, made sure Todd-2 wasn't around, and threw the bra down on her kitchen table. "Look," I say, "I'm a pretty open-minded person and all, and whatever you do in Julia's body isn't any of my concern, but for God's sake please don't leave your underwear in my furniture."
Seemingly unnerved, she glares at the bra a moment, then looks up at me with those big, brown eyes. God, Julia's a hottie. I think about what I've just said, then immediately smack my own face and correct myself. "I mean... your furniture. Oh, God, I mean, I know it's yours, I don't really think of any of this as mine... this is just very stressful."
"No, it's not that..." she says quietly, clearing her throat. "That's not mine."
I tell her again, "It's not mine."
She just shakes her head. She means it's not Julia's, either. She explained: Saturday night, when she was supposed to be looking after the house (the Adkissons have a cat and some fish.) "Julia" had to run some errands, so she had "Kalli" watch over the house for just a few hours.
We just sat there quietly a moment, realizing exactly what had been going on. About twenty minutes went by, neither of us hardly saying anything, just trying to figure out exactly how to deal with this, when "Kalli" and Todd-2 walked in the door, laughing. J and I were on the couch. "Julia" spoke up - "Hi Todd, could you, um, let us talk a while?"
"Uh, sure thing Jules," he left, uncertain exactly what was going on. He gestured at me, "Who's this? I'm Todd."
I gave him a firm, nonplussed handshake. "Anne-Marie."
"Are you two related?"
'Julia' - "It's complicated. Do you mind?"
"No, sure thing ladies," he said. "See you tomorrow Kal?" She nodded. He kissed her on the cheek as he left.
As soon as he was gone, I tossed the bra at her. "What's up, Kal? Thought you might want this."
She rolled her eyes and groaned. "Here we go."
"What do you think you're doing?" Anne-Marie/Julia started in, suddenly sounding very motherly, "He is way too old for you."
"Not that it's any of your business, Julia but we just went to the movies."
"What are you doing leaving your underwear at my house?" she continues. "You shouldn't be..." she let the ellipses complete her thought.
Ellie folded her arms across her chest. "I don't know if you've noticed, but I'm old enough to take care of myself," indicating Kalli's body.
I watched on as they proceeded to play out a typical-sounding mother-daughter argument, in the bodies and voices of these equally-aged girls. Apparently what happened in South Carolina is that they ran into Todd-2, who was looking to get back with Julia. Anne-Marie, however, was determined to stay faithful to her husband, and didn't want to complicate matters by taking on Julia's ex-boyfriend, so somehow, the affection gets shifted over to Kalli, and somehow nobody thinks at first what a horrible idea for a girl with the mind of a 14-year-old but a body a decade older to have a sexually experienced boyfriend, who would probably have some expectations.
Ellie/Kalli pleads innocent - they haven't had sex and she doesn't plan on it. I attest that all I found was a bra, which is hardly exonerating evidence and nobody's too thrilled about the idea of her letting him get to second base. She admits, yeah, it's been getting kind of heavy, but she never intended to go all the way, and was up front with him about it.
Then she did awful that thing ever teenage girl I've ever known does in an argument - takes it someplace else beyond reason.
"And so what if I did it, anyway?"
Now that's a Pandora's Box to open. As soon as Anne can say anything in response, Kalli is firing the salvo. "We've been living like this for months. I'm not the same person I was when I was Ellie, and you can't treat me like some dumb kid. Kalli definitely wasn't a virgin, so what point would there be in denying it, if I wanted it?"
Anne, suddenly overwhelmed, sat on the couch with her elbows on her knees. She collected her thoughts a moment before starting in, "You should be taking care of yourself... no matter whose life you've got. You've only known Todd [Jones] for a few weeks. If he's your first experience... and don't forget Kalli's experiences are not yours... it might affect you when we go back. These are just decisions too big for us to handle with lives that won't be ours forever."
I nodded along. Anne was seeming surprisingly wise.
Then Kalli pointed at me and asked, "Why is it okay for her to have sex with Uncle Hal?" I must've looked surprised for a moment, but she added, "Dude, I totally read the blog."
Anne sighs and says, "Because... It just is." Not really a good answer, but she continued. "Todd had experience enough to make the right decision, and because I know my husband, and trust him. We agreed."
"Weren't you worried she'd, like, fall in love with him because of the sex?"
I laugh quietly, self-deprecatingly. "Ellie, sex isn't love." It's the kind of thing a man is more likely to say than a woman.
Ellie got a little somber, sitting on the arm of the chair near me. "It's just not fair. I'm so free right now, and in a few months I have to give it all up and go back to the way things were."
I sit next to her and pat her shoulder. "I know it isn't fair, but you have a whole life of your own to go back to. You have awkward teen years to live out, and a terrible, terrible first time with a boy who is equally clueless as you to look forward to."
She smiled. "Todd, you're a goof." I've been called worse. "But I'm just worried that things aren't going to work out once we leave these lives. That's the big question."
I shrug and say that's a problem for Julia and Kalli to deal with. Ellie shoots me a look. "Didn't... Aunt Anne tell you?" I shake my head and look over at "Julia," who seems guilty of something.
Her voice turned grave. "Um, I guess I never mentioned it. Todd, I haven't been able to contact the original Kalli and Julia. We have no idea where they are, and we may not be able to get them their lives back."
Oh.
-Todd/AM
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Todd/Anne-Marie: The city so nice they named it twice.
I've been piecing this entry together over the past few days, so if it seems disjointed, I apologize... but that laundry isn't going to fold itself.
Once Hal insisted the New York trip not be a girls-only trip, he got very excited about it and started making a ton of calls. It turns out there are a number of ways to entertain yourself in New York that kids are able to participate in.
Friday afternoon, we picked the kids up from school and drove straight to New York, depositing our stuff at the hotel in New Jersey. I had a little moment of Inn-magic when the kids got in the car, and my iPod was still plugged into the sound system, so very suddenly and very uncharacteristically, the family was treated to "Wrong 'Em Boyo" by the Clash. Hayley asked what it was, and when I said it was a punk band from the 70's, she just shrugged and said "Oh, I knew it was something old." Kids today.
At the hotel, we were all to change into our finest duds, as our first stop was a nice restaurant whose name was something Italian I cannot remember. I don't typically dress like a slob, but as I was picking out a set of earrings to bring on the trip I wondered if maybe I was overdoing it. How deeply entrenched in Anne-Marie's place I sometimes feel. But as I slipped on the very tasteful dress I'd brought along, I put on my brave face, and turned to see Hal fiddling with his tie. Envy. I straightened it for him, although I never much liked ties, only had one job where I had to wear one, and haven't been to that many weddings/funerals.
Sidenote: this was the first hotel I'd stayed at since Maine, and part of me expected to wake up one morning totally changed again. I used to have nightmares about it.
Saturday was the busy day, because I had gone behind Hal's back and made plans that didn't involve the family. Under the pretense that I was going to shop for something sexy and intimate to wear, I palmed the kids off on Hal, who took them to the Museum of Modern Art for a few hours. Turns out Hal's into art. Who knew?
(*To cover my tracks I did pick up a little something. It's uncomfortable as hell but it's not like I have to walk around in it... I feel like it's time to try spicing up my sex life a bit, as I'm starting to get bored with the routine.)
The real plan was to head to a little out-of-the-way coffee place in Tribeca, to meet some fellow Inn visitors. I had no idea what to expect or what I hoped to get out of the experience. I have thus far only met the ones directly involved in my life, most of whom are keen to get back to their old arrangements asap (the enigmatic Donna being the exception.) Here we have people whose last trip to the inn was years ago, some of whom don't ever intend on going back.
As I was fumbling through my purse for the proper currency to pay for my latte (have I ever mentioned how much I hate American money? It's all green!) I heard a voice behind me. "Anne-Marie?" A shock ran through my system, the way it does whenever I am unexpectedly called by that name, although being called "Todd" has had the same effect lately. I turned to see a gorgeous Latina woman in a beige turtleneck, scarf, jeans that rose just above her hips, and a light coat. I looked into her eyes and asked, tentatively, "...Ginessa?"
She smiled and nodded. "That's me." After ordering her drink, she pointed to some seats in the corner. She turned and smiled,
"Sorry, Darren likes sitting where no one can see her."
"No problem. I guess I expected as much from the blog. Have you been following it lately?"
"Not really," she replied a little nonchalantly, "only what Darren tells me. To be honest it’s really Darren’s thing. She thinks it’s a good way to cope with being a girl; where as that ceased to be an 'issue' for me a while ago."
"Really, so you don’t know much about me?"
"I know you’re married too, right? How do you like it?" she smiled.
I didn't really know how to answer, so I just tried to be honest. "It's... tough. I've been really good friends with Anne-Marie, and kind of doing her a favor by keeping things good with her husband. The trouble is that usually I compromise in his favor because I don't want to rock the boat. I don't think this is anything like a real marriage, not that that's a subject I know anything about." I looked at her expectantly.
She said nothing for a while, before asking, "Should I call you Todd? This is always awkward and I don't want anyone to feel more uncomfortable than they already are."
"Todd is good, please."
"Todd, it sounds like you’re doing a very noble thing. I often feel the same way about my marriage. Women have to put up with a lot of crap from men. Just remember there’s such a thing as girl power," she smiled at me at wryly. I smiled too, which kind of broke the awkward tension. It made it easier to open up.
From there the conversation really took off. She asked me if I found it hard to just pick up in the middle of a relationship. I told her it was like wearing someone else's old shoes - they don't fit right, but they're not rigid, either. The Adkissons had reached a comfortable zone, although before I came into it, there had been some marital difficulties, suspicions, arguments that in some ways haven't been resolved. I underlined it was probably very different for her, thinking about her newlywed situation.
"The fucked up thing is, like, wanting to get your way, but also wanting what's best for the family. I don't come first in my own life most of the time, and that's... frustrating."
She asked me what I knew about her, I said not much apart from what was written. She was originally a guy called Mark, and as Ginessa, certain green card issues forced her to marry a guy. That raised her eye brows.
She objected by saying "forced" was a strong word. She told me it was a choice she made, and not a very easy one. I said I understood perfectly - that she wanted to stay in her home country, rather than get deported to a place she knew nothing about. She pointed out that there were other options if she wanted them, but realized there was something appealing about the stability her husband Gavin was offering - that after the tumult of her life after the transformation, she needed something to hold on to, and she was tired of feeling like she was doing something wrong.
I told her again I understood - that it's not easy inheriting someone else's crap. I'd never so much as babysat before suddenly finding myself playing house. Ginessa agreed but then said something to illustrate the difference in our situation.
"But you can stand all that, because you tell yourself, 'Its okay, I'm going back.' But I'm not going back, I've been this way for a few years now and I like it! Jaime..." she coughed and did some finger-quotes "Darren... sometimes just doesn't get it. If she wants to keep trying to go back, that's fine for her, but sometimes I feel like she resents me because I never tried. She's been a woman for nearly 2 years and I think she still believes it's less than being male. You don't agree do you?"
I didn't know what to say. She was getting very emotional - not teary-eyed, just kinda caught up in her little speech. And I really don't know what I think, and I'm not in the same place to judge. So I said to her, trying to be sensitive, "I don't really... but I do think of being Anne-Marie as less than Todd, not because being a mom is for losers or anything but because I'm not me and I can't be me like this. I don't look down on you because you never went back, it kinda looks like you're rocking this. I hope you don't think bad of me because I am."
She nodded; "No you’re right, sorry. I think that’s a respectable point of view. I didn't want to sound too self-righteous or anything. It’s just that Darren can be so frustrating."
There was then a lull in the conversation and she asked a very difficult question. "If you had gone to the Inn and woken up more like Jaime, or like me... a woman, but without any baggage or responsibilities... what do you think you'd do? I mean, do you think you could've gotten used to it, if you couldn't go back?"
I didn't know what to tell her. It was a scary thought: made me realize that physically I have gotten as comfortable being a woman as I could ever imagine. Perhaps the only reason I'm not staying is because I want to give Anne-Marie her life back, not so much because I want to get back to my own. And if that was not possible... and if nobody was counting on me... would I be okay to stay? What if I could just coast and never worry about Todd's problems again?
After thinking on all this a while, all I told her was, "Thankfully, I don't really have to think about that. There's someone out there that belongs in this life a lot more than I do."
I thought a moment and added, "Plus sometimes I just get the urge to be a guy... watch hockey, do some boxing, feel a woman's breasts that aren't my own. Like say, Blondie by the counter. I bet she's good for a go." I snickered, eyeing a gorgeous chick getting her coffee. Ginessa turned and got a somewhat embarrassed look on her face.
"Todd - that's Jaime."
My face flushed red, and we both burst out into laughter. Jaime came up to us. "Hey Ginessa, and you must be Todd. What's so funny?" We both quieted the urge to keep laughing. Ginessa just smiled at Jaime and said, "I'll tell you later."
Jaime sat down and shook my hand, very politely. I gave her a once-over trying to re-orient my perception of her, but I couldn't. I know that from the blog Darren was a tough military type guy, but here's this very smartly-dressed young lady, with her hair done back and the top couple buttons on her blouse undone, teetering in a pair of knee high two inch heel boots that didn’t scream "combat." She just looked like... a woman. Maybe she was thinking the same of me, but I have an image to keep up. If I could walk around all day in band t-shirts and cargo shorts I probably would. But no, Jaime is a head-turner, and mine wasn't the only head affected in the place, I can tell you that.
Darren sipped her coffee and asked me what I thought of New York. I told her that I loved it every time I came, and it was way better than the suburbs. I missed that rhythmic, pulsing vibe you get from a busy city. It's not Montreal, which is pretty much my favorite city, or Toronto, which will always be home, but it's a great place to be. We briefly made chit-chat about Darren's life, before Darren asked what we'd been talking about before she came in, and I looked kind of embarrassed saying vaguely that it was mostly about married life.
She rolled her eyes and said we probably had a lot in common. Ginessa looked embarrassed. And then something kinda bad happened. My obnoxiousness instinct kicked in. It doesn't come up a lot when I'm being Anne-Marie but I can't resist the urge to make other people feel uncomfortable just to test them and amuse myself. I know it's rude and not very nice, but it's so easy to do in a situation like this. So I started riffing.
"Well sure we do," I started in, "But we disagree on a lot of key points. Ginessa here likes the reverse cowgirl position, whereas I've always been a fan of straight-up missionary. She's a very take-charge kind of gal, and I'm just lazy."
"Todd!" she interjected, now both a little embarrassed but somewhat pleasantly surprised (I get the impression Ginessa would like to talk about sex but doesn’t around Jaime). She gave me a playful slap on the arm. Darren was practically squirming at what Ginessa and I thought was a harmless joke.
"No need to get uptight, Ginny.... we're three mature people here. We've all had sex in one body or another." Darren averted her eyes. "And I'm sure that when you guys were guys, you had no problem with locker room talk."
"It's not funny," Darren said.
"Give it time," I sipped my coffee. "Comedy is tragedy plus time. I make these jokes because I'm not serious about it. Ginessa maybe is, but I'm not really into it. So I kid, okay? Look, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings."
Darren gave me a death-glare and muttered, "You didn't 'hurt my feelings.' You just sounded really..."
"Really what?"
"Really girly! You’re not at all what I expected." she says, disapprovingly.
"Oh, sorry Rambo," I groaned, "But what color are your panties? You only think I sound girly because of what I look like. Look at me, man." I had trouble calling her that because even if intellectually I know she's Darren, she just looks like chick. "“Maybe I look like Anne-Marie Adkisson, but my name is Todd Casey. No matter what I look like I'm still a 24-year-old guy who can't help but stare when he's sitting next to hot chick such as yourself."
I cringed inside the way you realize you’ve said something you shouldn’t. I love to go on and on and seldom know when to stop. Worse, I had admitted something she'd probably already noticed - her looks really had my attention.
Before the flustered Darren/Jaime could start in, I instantly tried to apologize for being a dick. I explained that laughing about it was one of the ways I get through my days. There's so much stress that goes along with being wife-mother-woman that if I didn't let my Todd-side out every so often I'd go insane. I’m not sure if Darren bought it. She did bring up her thing with routine, how it's helped her get through some tough times. It seemed we were starting to find some common ground. Still, I regret what I said and how I said it.
It wasn’t long before we all finished our coffees. Still sensing a bit of tension I decided to leave and catch a cab back to the hotel.
The remainder of the trip was uneventful. We went to see the Lion King that night, and on Sunday after brunch I took Hayley to a spa. My God I never knew a massage could be so good. I may have seemed a little out-of-sorts that night as we drove home.
I began to think about the two women I'd just met. I've gotten used to thinking of myself as being a woman "for now," but I still wonder what would happen if "for now" became "forever." Knock on wood. I wondered where I fit between the two of them. Ginessa has grown a healthy attachment to her body and life. She seems to love her man, and doesn't have any hang-ups about anything about herself. I wasn't even that confident when I was in my original body. She makes a great girl and yet there's something scary about that if I try to see myself in her shoes. Still, if I had to keep going like this, I'd want her in my corner.
Darren, I related to. No, we didn't get along all that well, but that probably has more to do with our actual personalities. Even as a woman, she seemed a little like the jocky alpha-male type I always hated in high school (and who always hated me back because I had an easy time getting chicks without showering with guys. Guess the joke's on me these days, huh?) But I completely understand her - she made an attempt to get back to her original life, and it didn't work out, and now her future is uncertain. That's not a comfortable situation to be in.
I guess I'm somewhere in between. Like I told Ginessa, it isn't being a woman that bothers me anymore, it's being Anne-Marie Adkisson. And every time I have that thought, I wonder if the real Anne-Marie would also rather be anyone else. And the idea that I might have to pass this body along to a third owner, frankly, bothers the hell out of me.
And the idea that something might go wrong, and I'd have to get my third set of shoes for walking... and the idea that those might be the last...... I don't want to go there either.
-Todd/AM
Once Hal insisted the New York trip not be a girls-only trip, he got very excited about it and started making a ton of calls. It turns out there are a number of ways to entertain yourself in New York that kids are able to participate in.
Friday afternoon, we picked the kids up from school and drove straight to New York, depositing our stuff at the hotel in New Jersey. I had a little moment of Inn-magic when the kids got in the car, and my iPod was still plugged into the sound system, so very suddenly and very uncharacteristically, the family was treated to "Wrong 'Em Boyo" by the Clash. Hayley asked what it was, and when I said it was a punk band from the 70's, she just shrugged and said "Oh, I knew it was something old." Kids today.
At the hotel, we were all to change into our finest duds, as our first stop was a nice restaurant whose name was something Italian I cannot remember. I don't typically dress like a slob, but as I was picking out a set of earrings to bring on the trip I wondered if maybe I was overdoing it. How deeply entrenched in Anne-Marie's place I sometimes feel. But as I slipped on the very tasteful dress I'd brought along, I put on my brave face, and turned to see Hal fiddling with his tie. Envy. I straightened it for him, although I never much liked ties, only had one job where I had to wear one, and haven't been to that many weddings/funerals.
Sidenote: this was the first hotel I'd stayed at since Maine, and part of me expected to wake up one morning totally changed again. I used to have nightmares about it.
Saturday was the busy day, because I had gone behind Hal's back and made plans that didn't involve the family. Under the pretense that I was going to shop for something sexy and intimate to wear, I palmed the kids off on Hal, who took them to the Museum of Modern Art for a few hours. Turns out Hal's into art. Who knew?
(*To cover my tracks I did pick up a little something. It's uncomfortable as hell but it's not like I have to walk around in it... I feel like it's time to try spicing up my sex life a bit, as I'm starting to get bored with the routine.)
The real plan was to head to a little out-of-the-way coffee place in Tribeca, to meet some fellow Inn visitors. I had no idea what to expect or what I hoped to get out of the experience. I have thus far only met the ones directly involved in my life, most of whom are keen to get back to their old arrangements asap (the enigmatic Donna being the exception.) Here we have people whose last trip to the inn was years ago, some of whom don't ever intend on going back.
As I was fumbling through my purse for the proper currency to pay for my latte (have I ever mentioned how much I hate American money? It's all green!) I heard a voice behind me. "Anne-Marie?" A shock ran through my system, the way it does whenever I am unexpectedly called by that name, although being called "Todd" has had the same effect lately. I turned to see a gorgeous Latina woman in a beige turtleneck, scarf, jeans that rose just above her hips, and a light coat. I looked into her eyes and asked, tentatively, "...Ginessa?"
She smiled and nodded. "That's me." After ordering her drink, she pointed to some seats in the corner. She turned and smiled,
"Sorry, Darren likes sitting where no one can see her."
"No problem. I guess I expected as much from the blog. Have you been following it lately?"
"Not really," she replied a little nonchalantly, "only what Darren tells me. To be honest it’s really Darren’s thing. She thinks it’s a good way to cope with being a girl; where as that ceased to be an 'issue' for me a while ago."
"Really, so you don’t know much about me?"
"I know you’re married too, right? How do you like it?" she smiled.
I didn't really know how to answer, so I just tried to be honest. "It's... tough. I've been really good friends with Anne-Marie, and kind of doing her a favor by keeping things good with her husband. The trouble is that usually I compromise in his favor because I don't want to rock the boat. I don't think this is anything like a real marriage, not that that's a subject I know anything about." I looked at her expectantly.
She said nothing for a while, before asking, "Should I call you Todd? This is always awkward and I don't want anyone to feel more uncomfortable than they already are."
"Todd is good, please."
"Todd, it sounds like you’re doing a very noble thing. I often feel the same way about my marriage. Women have to put up with a lot of crap from men. Just remember there’s such a thing as girl power," she smiled at me at wryly. I smiled too, which kind of broke the awkward tension. It made it easier to open up.
From there the conversation really took off. She asked me if I found it hard to just pick up in the middle of a relationship. I told her it was like wearing someone else's old shoes - they don't fit right, but they're not rigid, either. The Adkissons had reached a comfortable zone, although before I came into it, there had been some marital difficulties, suspicions, arguments that in some ways haven't been resolved. I underlined it was probably very different for her, thinking about her newlywed situation.
"The fucked up thing is, like, wanting to get your way, but also wanting what's best for the family. I don't come first in my own life most of the time, and that's... frustrating."
She asked me what I knew about her, I said not much apart from what was written. She was originally a guy called Mark, and as Ginessa, certain green card issues forced her to marry a guy. That raised her eye brows.
She objected by saying "forced" was a strong word. She told me it was a choice she made, and not a very easy one. I said I understood perfectly - that she wanted to stay in her home country, rather than get deported to a place she knew nothing about. She pointed out that there were other options if she wanted them, but realized there was something appealing about the stability her husband Gavin was offering - that after the tumult of her life after the transformation, she needed something to hold on to, and she was tired of feeling like she was doing something wrong.
I told her again I understood - that it's not easy inheriting someone else's crap. I'd never so much as babysat before suddenly finding myself playing house. Ginessa agreed but then said something to illustrate the difference in our situation.
"But you can stand all that, because you tell yourself, 'Its okay, I'm going back.' But I'm not going back, I've been this way for a few years now and I like it! Jaime..." she coughed and did some finger-quotes "Darren... sometimes just doesn't get it. If she wants to keep trying to go back, that's fine for her, but sometimes I feel like she resents me because I never tried. She's been a woman for nearly 2 years and I think she still believes it's less than being male. You don't agree do you?"
I didn't know what to say. She was getting very emotional - not teary-eyed, just kinda caught up in her little speech. And I really don't know what I think, and I'm not in the same place to judge. So I said to her, trying to be sensitive, "I don't really... but I do think of being Anne-Marie as less than Todd, not because being a mom is for losers or anything but because I'm not me and I can't be me like this. I don't look down on you because you never went back, it kinda looks like you're rocking this. I hope you don't think bad of me because I am."
She nodded; "No you’re right, sorry. I think that’s a respectable point of view. I didn't want to sound too self-righteous or anything. It’s just that Darren can be so frustrating."
There was then a lull in the conversation and she asked a very difficult question. "If you had gone to the Inn and woken up more like Jaime, or like me... a woman, but without any baggage or responsibilities... what do you think you'd do? I mean, do you think you could've gotten used to it, if you couldn't go back?"
I didn't know what to tell her. It was a scary thought: made me realize that physically I have gotten as comfortable being a woman as I could ever imagine. Perhaps the only reason I'm not staying is because I want to give Anne-Marie her life back, not so much because I want to get back to my own. And if that was not possible... and if nobody was counting on me... would I be okay to stay? What if I could just coast and never worry about Todd's problems again?
After thinking on all this a while, all I told her was, "Thankfully, I don't really have to think about that. There's someone out there that belongs in this life a lot more than I do."
I thought a moment and added, "Plus sometimes I just get the urge to be a guy... watch hockey, do some boxing, feel a woman's breasts that aren't my own. Like say, Blondie by the counter. I bet she's good for a go." I snickered, eyeing a gorgeous chick getting her coffee. Ginessa turned and got a somewhat embarrassed look on her face.
"Todd - that's Jaime."
My face flushed red, and we both burst out into laughter. Jaime came up to us. "Hey Ginessa, and you must be Todd. What's so funny?" We both quieted the urge to keep laughing. Ginessa just smiled at Jaime and said, "I'll tell you later."
Jaime sat down and shook my hand, very politely. I gave her a once-over trying to re-orient my perception of her, but I couldn't. I know that from the blog Darren was a tough military type guy, but here's this very smartly-dressed young lady, with her hair done back and the top couple buttons on her blouse undone, teetering in a pair of knee high two inch heel boots that didn’t scream "combat." She just looked like... a woman. Maybe she was thinking the same of me, but I have an image to keep up. If I could walk around all day in band t-shirts and cargo shorts I probably would. But no, Jaime is a head-turner, and mine wasn't the only head affected in the place, I can tell you that.
Darren sipped her coffee and asked me what I thought of New York. I told her that I loved it every time I came, and it was way better than the suburbs. I missed that rhythmic, pulsing vibe you get from a busy city. It's not Montreal, which is pretty much my favorite city, or Toronto, which will always be home, but it's a great place to be. We briefly made chit-chat about Darren's life, before Darren asked what we'd been talking about before she came in, and I looked kind of embarrassed saying vaguely that it was mostly about married life.
She rolled her eyes and said we probably had a lot in common. Ginessa looked embarrassed. And then something kinda bad happened. My obnoxiousness instinct kicked in. It doesn't come up a lot when I'm being Anne-Marie but I can't resist the urge to make other people feel uncomfortable just to test them and amuse myself. I know it's rude and not very nice, but it's so easy to do in a situation like this. So I started riffing.
"Well sure we do," I started in, "But we disagree on a lot of key points. Ginessa here likes the reverse cowgirl position, whereas I've always been a fan of straight-up missionary. She's a very take-charge kind of gal, and I'm just lazy."
"Todd!" she interjected, now both a little embarrassed but somewhat pleasantly surprised (I get the impression Ginessa would like to talk about sex but doesn’t around Jaime). She gave me a playful slap on the arm. Darren was practically squirming at what Ginessa and I thought was a harmless joke.
"No need to get uptight, Ginny.... we're three mature people here. We've all had sex in one body or another." Darren averted her eyes. "And I'm sure that when you guys were guys, you had no problem with locker room talk."
"It's not funny," Darren said.
"Give it time," I sipped my coffee. "Comedy is tragedy plus time. I make these jokes because I'm not serious about it. Ginessa maybe is, but I'm not really into it. So I kid, okay? Look, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings."
Darren gave me a death-glare and muttered, "You didn't 'hurt my feelings.' You just sounded really..."
"Really what?"
"Really girly! You’re not at all what I expected." she says, disapprovingly.
"Oh, sorry Rambo," I groaned, "But what color are your panties? You only think I sound girly because of what I look like. Look at me, man." I had trouble calling her that because even if intellectually I know she's Darren, she just looks like chick. "“Maybe I look like Anne-Marie Adkisson, but my name is Todd Casey. No matter what I look like I'm still a 24-year-old guy who can't help but stare when he's sitting next to hot chick such as yourself."
I cringed inside the way you realize you’ve said something you shouldn’t. I love to go on and on and seldom know when to stop. Worse, I had admitted something she'd probably already noticed - her looks really had my attention.
Before the flustered Darren/Jaime could start in, I instantly tried to apologize for being a dick. I explained that laughing about it was one of the ways I get through my days. There's so much stress that goes along with being wife-mother-woman that if I didn't let my Todd-side out every so often I'd go insane. I’m not sure if Darren bought it. She did bring up her thing with routine, how it's helped her get through some tough times. It seemed we were starting to find some common ground. Still, I regret what I said and how I said it.
It wasn’t long before we all finished our coffees. Still sensing a bit of tension I decided to leave and catch a cab back to the hotel.
The remainder of the trip was uneventful. We went to see the Lion King that night, and on Sunday after brunch I took Hayley to a spa. My God I never knew a massage could be so good. I may have seemed a little out-of-sorts that night as we drove home.
I began to think about the two women I'd just met. I've gotten used to thinking of myself as being a woman "for now," but I still wonder what would happen if "for now" became "forever." Knock on wood. I wondered where I fit between the two of them. Ginessa has grown a healthy attachment to her body and life. She seems to love her man, and doesn't have any hang-ups about anything about herself. I wasn't even that confident when I was in my original body. She makes a great girl and yet there's something scary about that if I try to see myself in her shoes. Still, if I had to keep going like this, I'd want her in my corner.
Darren, I related to. No, we didn't get along all that well, but that probably has more to do with our actual personalities. Even as a woman, she seemed a little like the jocky alpha-male type I always hated in high school (and who always hated me back because I had an easy time getting chicks without showering with guys. Guess the joke's on me these days, huh?) But I completely understand her - she made an attempt to get back to her original life, and it didn't work out, and now her future is uncertain. That's not a comfortable situation to be in.
I guess I'm somewhere in between. Like I told Ginessa, it isn't being a woman that bothers me anymore, it's being Anne-Marie Adkisson. And every time I have that thought, I wonder if the real Anne-Marie would also rather be anyone else. And the idea that I might have to pass this body along to a third owner, frankly, bothers the hell out of me.
And the idea that something might go wrong, and I'd have to get my third set of shoes for walking... and the idea that those might be the last...... I don't want to go there either.
-Todd/AM
Tuesday, March 03, 2009
Todd/Anne-Marie: Why I was not in New York this weekend
Sometimes, I utterly forget that I'm married.
I wear the ring, I share my bed, I cook and clean for the guy, and yet it's remarkably easy for me to just push him out of my head when I need to. Like say, when I spontaneously promise Hayley a trip to New York on a few days' notice, along with a spa trip and whatever other tourist goodies might come her way.
It wasn't long before it dawned on me that it wasn't really my call. When Hayley went to ask her dad about it, he asked me to see him in the bedroom. I felt like I was called into the principal's office. I sat on the bed. He stood by the dresser.
"What's this I'm hearing about a New York trip? Hayley said you were taking her there this weekend."
Somewhat ashamed, I just looked down at my feet and said, "Maybe."
"That's... you can't just do that, Anne-Marie. We need to talk about this."
"Okay, so let's talk."
"You can't just go off on a trip whenever you feel like it!" he says. "Last summer you disappeared for nearly a month with my sister's daughter. Anything could've happened to you. We were so worried. And you've been making plans to go back there this summer."
He goes on and on and I guess I'm supposed to feel guilty, but from my perspective nothing's wrong. I was starting to feel really bummed out for being talked to in that way, but at the same time... I zoned out because it didn't really apply.
So I told him, "Yes, but can we keep this about New York?"
"I'm not made out of trips, Annie. You should've consulted me first."
"I'm sorry," I said, "I just... I panicked, because I realized, in case you didn't notice, we kind of forgot our daughter's birthday. I thought it might offset that a little bit."
"I just don't think we can afford it. Between this and your little Maine vacation..." he keeps bringing Maine into it. I want to deal with that at another time.
I start to reason with him, "Look. I've been cutting back spending. I haven't bought clothes or shoes in months." It's true, I've indulged in a little shopping since transforming, usually with "Julia," but for the most part I live on the cheap like I did when I was poor. "We've saved plenty to make both this and Maine work."
"Okay look, we'll go online, we'll find a Holiday Inn in Secaucus or something, and we can drive into the city next weekend. I don't know about this spa thing, but we can at least see a show or something."
I just look at him. "We?"
He laughs, "You didn't think you were gonna go to New York City without me and Connor, did you?" I guess not. "And we'll talk about Maine too. Could be very romantic." He kisses me on the cheek. I want to tell him, "Um, no, we will not talk about Maine, you are not coming to Maine." but at this point he left the room.
I guess it was a little presumptuous to assume I could make these plans without involving Hal. I don't mind him coming along to NYC, because now there's a chance I can get away and see those other nearby Inn folks I've been talking with (through the magic of Facebook, MSN and E-Mail.) But I really do not like the idea that he'll follow his wife to Maine. That's just asking for trouble.
Meanwhile in South Carolina...
From what I hear, "Julia" and "Kalli" escaped just in time to miss a massive storm in that area, flying into Logan a few nights ago (maybe they should've stopped in on Art and Ashlyn!) and driving the few hours back to our neck of the woods. Kalli's mom's angina flared up so she was called back home, and, having nothing better to do, went, with "Julia" as a secret chaperon. They came back one heavy. This is where it gets weird.
I don't know what has been running through Anne-Marie's mind since she became Julia, but she was certainly very concerned that I do my best to keep up her relationship with her husband. I've done my best and tried to put a positive spin on it, but it's still kind of a chore to get down with the guy every now and again. But it was all for a good cause.
Anyway, when "Julia" got back in town, she was immediately contacted by an old flame of Julia's - very unfortunately named Todd Jones (T2, or Jonesy for the purposes of this blog.) And for whatever reason, she decided that somehow it would be appropriate for her to bring this guy back to Connecticut, where she is a married woman living in another person's body with her similarly transformed 14-year-old niece. Doesn't this all sound a little inappropriate?
I don't know what to think. Is she banging this guy? And if she is, should I be upset? After all, I wish the new me would keep up relations with Alia alive, but s/he hasn't, and I just have to live with it. And she can't sleep with her own husband, and, what, should she be a nun? I guess not. It just pisses me off that there's not another option. Hal cheating on me with her sounds really good right now.
And what kind of example does this set for "Kalli," who for all intents and purposes is the same age as Julia? I feel like I'm the only mature one around here and that is not a good role for me.
Ugh, it's so frustrating.
And as if that wasn't bad enough...
Friday mornings I go to the gym. Last week, after my session, I was drying off from the shower and changing back into my day clothes... self-consciously trying to eyeball the nubile young ladies and re-create some of Bry's observations for my own (no luck) when I get cornered by who else but Donna, wearing her workout gear.
Apparently, she didn't take kindly to the tone I took in my voicemail. She gives me this stern look before just sighing. "Anne-Marie, I can tell you have something you want to get off your chest." I froze - as luck would have it, my hands happened to be cupping my breasts at the time. She continued, "I want you to know that no matter what, I'm your friend and I'm here for you. We disagree on some things, and maybe someday you'll see my point of view, but for now, I'd still like us to be close."
Despite knowing I am not the Anne-Marie she knew, Donna still seems to be treating me like the person I look like. It makes me wonder if Donna truly understands what the Inn does to people. I just shook my head and continued to dress. "Whatever."
"If that means unburdening yourself and telling me all about who you used to be, I'm ready to hear it. If it means helping you get through this, I'll be glad to."
I scoffed. "Is this, like, a joke to you? Are you messing with me? Whatever. If you want to talk, we'll talk, but not today." I just wasn't in the mood for her crap.
More later - I've got to start dinner.
-Todd/AM
I wear the ring, I share my bed, I cook and clean for the guy, and yet it's remarkably easy for me to just push him out of my head when I need to. Like say, when I spontaneously promise Hayley a trip to New York on a few days' notice, along with a spa trip and whatever other tourist goodies might come her way.
It wasn't long before it dawned on me that it wasn't really my call. When Hayley went to ask her dad about it, he asked me to see him in the bedroom. I felt like I was called into the principal's office. I sat on the bed. He stood by the dresser.
"What's this I'm hearing about a New York trip? Hayley said you were taking her there this weekend."
Somewhat ashamed, I just looked down at my feet and said, "Maybe."
"That's... you can't just do that, Anne-Marie. We need to talk about this."
"Okay, so let's talk."
"You can't just go off on a trip whenever you feel like it!" he says. "Last summer you disappeared for nearly a month with my sister's daughter. Anything could've happened to you. We were so worried. And you've been making plans to go back there this summer."
He goes on and on and I guess I'm supposed to feel guilty, but from my perspective nothing's wrong. I was starting to feel really bummed out for being talked to in that way, but at the same time... I zoned out because it didn't really apply.
So I told him, "Yes, but can we keep this about New York?"
"I'm not made out of trips, Annie. You should've consulted me first."
"I'm sorry," I said, "I just... I panicked, because I realized, in case you didn't notice, we kind of forgot our daughter's birthday. I thought it might offset that a little bit."
"I just don't think we can afford it. Between this and your little Maine vacation..." he keeps bringing Maine into it. I want to deal with that at another time.
I start to reason with him, "Look. I've been cutting back spending. I haven't bought clothes or shoes in months." It's true, I've indulged in a little shopping since transforming, usually with "Julia," but for the most part I live on the cheap like I did when I was poor. "We've saved plenty to make both this and Maine work."
"Okay look, we'll go online, we'll find a Holiday Inn in Secaucus or something, and we can drive into the city next weekend. I don't know about this spa thing, but we can at least see a show or something."
I just look at him. "We?"
He laughs, "You didn't think you were gonna go to New York City without me and Connor, did you?" I guess not. "And we'll talk about Maine too. Could be very romantic." He kisses me on the cheek. I want to tell him, "Um, no, we will not talk about Maine, you are not coming to Maine." but at this point he left the room.
I guess it was a little presumptuous to assume I could make these plans without involving Hal. I don't mind him coming along to NYC, because now there's a chance I can get away and see those other nearby Inn folks I've been talking with (through the magic of Facebook, MSN and E-Mail.) But I really do not like the idea that he'll follow his wife to Maine. That's just asking for trouble.
Meanwhile in South Carolina...
From what I hear, "Julia" and "Kalli" escaped just in time to miss a massive storm in that area, flying into Logan a few nights ago (maybe they should've stopped in on Art and Ashlyn!) and driving the few hours back to our neck of the woods. Kalli's mom's angina flared up so she was called back home, and, having nothing better to do, went, with "Julia" as a secret chaperon. They came back one heavy. This is where it gets weird.
I don't know what has been running through Anne-Marie's mind since she became Julia, but she was certainly very concerned that I do my best to keep up her relationship with her husband. I've done my best and tried to put a positive spin on it, but it's still kind of a chore to get down with the guy every now and again. But it was all for a good cause.
Anyway, when "Julia" got back in town, she was immediately contacted by an old flame of Julia's - very unfortunately named Todd Jones (T2, or Jonesy for the purposes of this blog.) And for whatever reason, she decided that somehow it would be appropriate for her to bring this guy back to Connecticut, where she is a married woman living in another person's body with her similarly transformed 14-year-old niece. Doesn't this all sound a little inappropriate?
I don't know what to think. Is she banging this guy? And if she is, should I be upset? After all, I wish the new me would keep up relations with Alia alive, but s/he hasn't, and I just have to live with it. And she can't sleep with her own husband, and, what, should she be a nun? I guess not. It just pisses me off that there's not another option. Hal cheating on me with her sounds really good right now.
And what kind of example does this set for "Kalli," who for all intents and purposes is the same age as Julia? I feel like I'm the only mature one around here and that is not a good role for me.
Ugh, it's so frustrating.
And as if that wasn't bad enough...
Friday mornings I go to the gym. Last week, after my session, I was drying off from the shower and changing back into my day clothes... self-consciously trying to eyeball the nubile young ladies and re-create some of Bry's observations for my own (no luck) when I get cornered by who else but Donna, wearing her workout gear.
Apparently, she didn't take kindly to the tone I took in my voicemail. She gives me this stern look before just sighing. "Anne-Marie, I can tell you have something you want to get off your chest." I froze - as luck would have it, my hands happened to be cupping my breasts at the time. She continued, "I want you to know that no matter what, I'm your friend and I'm here for you. We disagree on some things, and maybe someday you'll see my point of view, but for now, I'd still like us to be close."
Despite knowing I am not the Anne-Marie she knew, Donna still seems to be treating me like the person I look like. It makes me wonder if Donna truly understands what the Inn does to people. I just shook my head and continued to dress. "Whatever."
"If that means unburdening yourself and telling me all about who you used to be, I'm ready to hear it. If it means helping you get through this, I'll be glad to."
I scoffed. "Is this, like, a joke to you? Are you messing with me? Whatever. If you want to talk, we'll talk, but not today." I just wasn't in the mood for her crap.
More later - I've got to start dinner.
-Todd/AM
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